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Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Much???

tuffyluvr

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Hi all!!! I haven't been around in a long time, but I am here because I desperately need some neutral third-party perspective…

My sister-in-law (who is soon to be engaged) called me today to let me know that she booked her wedding for May 2016. I am excited for her, but my stomach dropped when she told me that they held rooms for a 12 day long european cruise. I feel like this is a lot to ask of her guests… it's an 11 hour/$1200 flight from Los Angeles (where most guests will be traveling from) to Amsterdam (where the cruise departs from), and her guests will each have to take 2 weeks off work and spend $3000 per person for the cruise, plus incidentals (hotel rooms for shoulder nights, pet sitters, transportation, etc). My husband and I don't care for cruises, and neither does her mother, but we have a hard time telling her so, because we want to support her if this is what she really wants. HOWEVER, I am afraid that it is going to turn out to be a disaster if most of the invited guests can't make it due to the expense and amount of time away from work/home. She told me that her friends think that the cruise sounds awesome and they can be counted in, but I have to question if that will still be the case when the time comes to pay for everything and get time off of work. She is only planning on inviting 20-25 guests, and I feel like if only 8 people end up going she will be really disappointed.

I am trying not to let my personal feelings get in the way, I am so happy that she is getting married, but honestly, my husband and I are not going to be excited to spend $8,000-$10,000 dollars on a vacation that we don't want. Please tell me your opinions: am I being too harsh--should I just be happy for her, or should I voice my concerns to her???

BREAKDOWN:
Total cost: approx $4,200 per guest for travel expenses, plus incidentals
Total time away from work/home: two weeks
IS THIS TOO MUCH TO ASK OF WEDDING GUESTS???
 

Niel

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Hahahaha the ridiculousness of it all!
I'm trying to imagine myself in this situation.... What would I do with my kids? 2 weeks? That's more than half of my PTO for a whole year. The costs would be many months of mortgage payments! I get sea sick. I'd have to get a passport. And these are just issues off the top of my head. And I'm not even going! I can't imagine how you'd be ok with this, so no, you're not out of line

Yes this is absurd
 

tuffyluvr

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

I get 10 days PTO for the entire YEAR!!! This would be my one and only vacation for 2016 :(sad
 

Matata

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Those who can afford the expense and want to go will go; those who can't won't so it doesn't much matter what one's personal opinion is regarding whether she's asking too much of her guests. She is either aware of the financial implications and doesn't care or is perhaps using this as a way to get only the few people there who she really wants; or she is unaware. Either way she is the one who will have to accept whatever happens.

If you don't want to go or don't want to/can't spend the money, just tell her in a nice way that you can't do it.
 

ponder

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

I'm sorry but in a case like this I feel that the bride and groom should be responsible for covering their guests travel and accommodations expenses.

This is utterly ridiculous.
 

LLJsmom

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Wish her a wonderful life with her new husband, and a great vacay/wedding. Tell her you don't have the time or the money for HER wedding. Let her be responsible for her own disaster, if no one turns up. Don't enable her inconsiderate actions. Take responsibility for yourself and your actions, not those of others.
 

PintoBean

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Wow... I think that when you plan a destination wedding like that, there is a real chance that it may be a very intimate ceremony, possibly just the bride and groom. And if the couple is ok with that, then go for it. To expect your invitees to have that amount of time and money available to participate in the ceremony is a tall order.

And as to the question how much is too much, everyone's comfort level is different, and that has to be respected.
 

VRBeauty

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Yes.
 

diamondseeker2006

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

They really should elope if that's where they want to get married. I think family and friends can have a party to celebrate locally when they return. I would politely give my regrets. There is NO WAY I would spend $10k and be gone for 2 weeks on a vacation I did not want. This is a great honeymoon for them but absurd to expect anyone else to pay for that.

I would absolutely express my concerns to her. I'd say that sounds like a dream of a honeymoon and you are so happy for them to do that if they wish, but you won't be able to attend.
 

jordyonbass

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

I have friends who were going through this same issue; they were wanting to get married overseas but the cost was so high that it caused arguments between friends and family. If your friends want to go through with the destination wedding then they have to also understand their list of guests may be countable on the one hand and cannot be upset or disappointed if people can't make it. Unfortunately there are newlyweds who think that their wedding is so important that everyone will drop everything in their life to come to their wedding and anyone who can't afford the money or time doesn't care about them. My friends had to be brought back to reality and I am concerned your friends may need the same tuffyluvr.

Food for thought: my wife and I got married last year with 80 guests, we had a full ceremony and reception and the groomsmen and I wore elaborate pirate outfits instead of suits. The cost for our entire wedding reception and ceremony was about the same cost as 4 guests for this friend's upcoming wedding. Actually, I probably would have got some change in a 4 digit amount from what those 4 guests are going to pay.
 

distracts

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Yikes. I don't understand destination weddings like this. One of my friends is getting married next spring on some island, and the resort the wedding is at is really far from all the other resorts there, and very expensive, and flights are expensive, and I want to go, but honestly my husband and I are more last-minute-planners when it comes to vacations. We usually decide and book 1-2 weeks prior to leaving (yes, even our honeymoon and vacations to other countries). The only reasons I'm strongly considering going are because 1) many of my best friends will be there (and definitely so since they are in the wedding party) - but unfortunately no one can tell me yet how long they'll be there, which makes it harder for me to plan, because if my friends are only going to be there three days, it's not really worth it for me to spend thousands of dollars to go, and 2) it's a place my husband would like to go, and he likes to have one beach vacation a year - but it's more expensive than places we normally go. So yeah. Even with those two very great things in favor of going, I'm still hesitating. I feel your pain.

No real advice. I guess the tough part is that she's your SIL so there may be some sort of obligation there.

Also, "soon to be engaged" and the wedding is already booked? If the wedding is booked, isn't she ALREADY engaged? Like, an engagement is an agreement to get married, and it sounds like they already have that... sheesh, people. :angryfire: :angryfire: :angryfire: :angryfire: :angryfire:

jordyonbass|1440131198|3917049 said:
and the groomsmen and I wore elaborate pirate outfits instead of suits

oh.my.god.

THIS IS SO AMAZING
 

sonnyjane

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Totally ridiculous and don't pander to it if you don't have the funds.
 

KaeKae

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

The simple answer is: Yes.

I didn't spend that much on my own wedding and honeymoon combined. Granted, that was 26 years ago.

But: If my daughter wanted to ask her family and friends to spend that much time and money on her wedding, I would tell her, loud and clear, that she was asking much, too much, of her guest list.

However, it may be that I am the wrong person to answer, as I really don't understand the rationale behind destination weddings. If you want to get married in an exotic locale, that's great: elope. If you want to be married with your friends and family in attendance, that's great: plan something in a central or your home location. Or, combine the two with an elopement and party/reception afterward.
 

JDDN

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Goodness gracious great balls of expensiveness!!

You can certainly be happy for her but in no way does that obligate you to do whatever she wants. A destination wedding is one thing, but a cruise that requires one to be gone for 2 weeks is a little unrealistic. And not to mention the expenses that go along with that.

I think it would be completely fine to very kindly let her know that while the cruise and party happenings sound amazing, you and your hubby just can't make it work for financial and work related reasons. If she finds that very few people will be attending, you could suggest a reception or party locally that would allow more people to celebrate with them.

They may be in the haze of elation and not have thought this out completely. I understand you feel torn, but don't feel obligated to do something that won't be good for you and your husband.

And.....this is hysterical.

jordyonbass said:
the groomsmen and I wore elaborate pirate outfits instead of suits.
 

diamondringlover

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

wow..thats something...I would have to pass on this...just wow..most people dont have that kind of money laying around and if they did they wouldnt want to spend on someone else's wedding.....
 

yennyfire

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Yeah, I'm with everyone else. Unless they are paying for their guests to attend, I wouldn't even consider going. Taking two weeks off of work is enough of a challenge, but spending $10K on top of that for a vacation that you wouldn't even enjoy is asinine!

Sounds like she either hasn't thought this through or just doesn't care....
 

momhappy

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

I agree with the others here. She is definitely being ridiculous and I hope that her expectations are low because you're right, not many folks will show up. The longest I've left my kids is a long weekend and I'd have a hard time with anything more (I certainly wouldn't leave for 12 days!!!). Heck, I'd even feel terrible for leaving my dogs for that long :shock: This is one of those times when you politely decline (probably along with most everyone else invited). It sounds like you've done a good job keeping your feelings to yourself and I would continue with that strategy. Maybe there are other ways that you can show your support - like offering to help with the planning, etc.
 

chemgirl

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Um no way. I wouldn't even attend my sister's wedding if she demanded I take 2 weeks off.

I don't see how anyone with kids will attend.

It's hard to get 2 weeks of vacation, and I don't care how comfortable you are financially, that is a lot of money. Will there be showers, bachelor/bachelorette parties etc? This is actually the most presumptuous and absurd wedding I have ever heard of and I watch at lot of TLC.
 

Asscherhalo_lover

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

There's no way. No way. Just no. A week long cruise leaving from the continental US is a lot to ask, and will usually cost maybe 3k for a couple, 10k and two weeks is pure crazy. I wouldn't be surprised if they are doing this so they can get theirs for free. Most cruise lines give the "trip coordinator" a free room after booking so many others on board.
 

AGBF

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

I never heard of anything like this before. Is this a "kind" of wedding? I know that "destination weddings" exist, but I thought that they were simply weddings held in unusual locales, not ones that took up huge chunks of guests' time and money for lodging. In other words, I thought that if one decided to attend, one paid for one's airfare and a night or two of lodging.

I would not choose to attend a destination wedding, although I would be willing to travel to someone's hometown or home country for a wedding if i were very close to him. The proposed wedding you describe is so bizarre that it made me wonder if it had ever been done before, though! Has it? Or is this idea peculiar to your sister-in-law?

PS-You do not have to attend. You can offer to give her a reception at your home for a few people, just cake and coffee, once they return.

AGBF :wavey:
 

gregchang35

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

$4200 is a lot to ask in my opinion.
is the soon to be sister in law - your husband's brother soon to be wife or is it your brother's soon to be wife?

If it were my bother (not that he would do that)...i would say something about their expectations....how may ppl are they expecting to attend? also ask him are they really expecting ppl to provide a gift, too?? That is a lot of coin in anyones language unless you are rolling in it.

If it is your husbands side.. he will need to have that conversation. Or turn down the invitation and have them over to your house for coffee/dinner when they get back and you can give them or not a wedding present.


Maybe this is a way of them telling everyone not to come to their wedding?

the mind boggles.....
 

marymm

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

For me personally the whole ask is way too burdensome and I would send regrets. Even if DH and I could afford the $8400, I would not be willing to allocate 2 weeks of away time from home and work to this kind of destination wedding event.
 

distracts

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Asscherhalo_lover|1440157949|3917130 said:
There's no way. No way. Just no. A week long cruise leaving from the continental US is a lot to ask, and will usually cost maybe 3k for a couple, 10k and two weeks is pure crazy. I wouldn't be surprised if they are doing this so they can get theirs for free. Most cruise lines give the "trip coordinator" a free room after booking so many others on board.

Yep, a lot of destination wedding places give the bride and groom a very hefty discount due to how many people they are responsible for booking. It adds an extra ick factor to asking other people to shell out so much money.

I have attended one destination wedding... at Disneyworld. Because who doesn't want to go to Disney!? The day of the wedding was entirely packed with activities and food, and behind-the-scenes looks at things, and whatnot, so that really made it worth it. I hadn't been to Disney since I was about six years old, so going back as an adult was a blast. The couple had their wedding at Disney because both of their families were all over the country, so would have to travel to their wedding and pay for lodging regardless, and there were a lot of kids in their family, so they figured if everyone was traveling, why not go somewhere fun? That seems like a logical rationale for a destination wedding.

AGBF|1440158284|3917133 said:
I would not choose to attend a destination wedding, although I would be willing to travel to someone's hometown or home country for a wedding if i were very close to him. The proposed wedding you describe is so bizarre that it made me wonder if it had ever been done before, though! Has it? Or is this idea peculiar to your sister-in-law?

It's becoming increasingly common. When I was planning my wedding and visiting the wedding forums regularly, there were always people either planning things like this or bemoaning the fact that they were invited to one.

gregchang35|1440160158|3917136 said:
Maybe this is a way of them telling everyone not to come to their wedding?

My husband briefly wanted to have a destination wedding because he doesn't like his family and wanted to find a way to make it so that they wouldn't be at the wedding while still actually inviting them to the wedding. So it's not unheard of, lol.
 

rubybeth

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

tuffyluvr|1440125010|3917024 said:
I am trying not to let my personal feelings get in the way, I am so happy that she is getting married, but honestly, my husband and I are not going to be excited to spend $8,000-$10,000 dollars on a vacation that we don't want. Please tell me your opinions: am I being too harsh--should I just be happy for her, or should I voice my concerns to her???

BREAKDOWN:
Total cost: approx $4,200 per guest for travel expenses, plus incidentals
Total time away from work/home: two weeks
IS THIS TOO MUCH TO ASK OF WEDDING GUESTS???

I think it's way too much to ask of wedding guests--a $10,000 cruise for a wedding is pretty absurd unless you're, like, Beyonce and Jay-Z and your friends are all rolling in money, too. :lol: Voicing your concerns to her may be tricky, but if you know right now that this isn't possible for your family, I would tell her sooner rather than later. She may not realize how difficult this may be for some of her intended guests, and it could change her plans once she realizes only a few friends can make it. Or, it may not, because that may be her plan to begin with. Whatever you do, I would be gentle about it and just let her know that it's an expense you can't really afford and the time off of work is impossible, but you wish her all the best.

And please report back on the outcome of this, I'd love to know how it goes. :bigsmile:
 

kmarla

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

I agree with Diamondseeker on this one. This cruise sounds like an absolutely wonderful honeymoon for the wedding couple, but misses the mark as a wedding venue for two main reasons, too expensive and too long. Perhaps you could suggest that they have a very simple wedding ceremony at home so that those that love and support them can be included without personal hardship. Then those who are able to join them on the cruise could certainly help continue the honeymoon celebration.
 

telephone89

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

I wouldn't say anything to her about how it's rude, etc, but you can certainly say that you aren't in a position to go at this time. You don't need to give an explanation. An invite is not a required attendance, there is a little 'no' box you can check off.

Also - she's not even engaged but her wedding is now planned? Um does the groom know?! If so, then they ARE engaged. :rolleyes:

Anyways - an alternative - where are they actually getting married? Most cruise weddings actually 'wed' in port. If you really want to attend, perhaps you can just fly to the port where they are getting married, stay a few nights and/or do your own thing/vacation. It would certainly be cheaper than a cruise, but you would still be able to attend.
 

iLander

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

I think a lot of brides start out with these ridiculous ideas, but tend to tone them down when everyone says no thank you.

And if the cost starts out at over $4K, I'll bet it ends up over $6K per person, when all is said and done. At least that's how it tends to work on my vacations, somehow. :confused:

And I agree, sounds like a nice honeymoon, not so great for a wedding. Not sure I would want to be trapped on a boat with my in-laws. :rolleyes:
 

baby monster

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

IMO most working adults able to spend that kind of money to attend a destination wedding won't be able to take 2 weeks off from work. It's just not possible unless they're independently wealthy.

We were invited to an island destination wedding last year for DH's cousin but declined. It was around 2.5K per person for a week at an upscale all-inclusive resort. He couldn't take that particular week off work and wasn't excited about spending a week with some of his extended family members. We sent a nice gift off the registry.
 

AGBF

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

distracts|1440166656|3917172 said:
I have attended one destination wedding... at Disneyworld. Because who doesn't want to go to Disney!?

The day of the wedding was entirely packed with activities and food, and behind-the-scenes looks at things, and whatnot, so that really made it worth it. I hadn't been to Disney since I was about six years old, so going back as an adult was a blast. The couple had their wedding at Disney because both of their families were all over the country, so would have to travel to their wedding and pay for lodging regardless, and there were a lot of kids in their family, so they figured if everyone was traveling, why not go somewhere fun? That seems like a logical rationale for a destination wedding.

First, I would not want "to go to Disney".

Second, I have trouble feeling that a wedding belongs at Disney. Not the kind of wedding I want to attend.

Here we get into a "live and let live" area. Not only do I think it is fine for other people, people who are not me, to get married in Disney World, I wish them well. When I say, as I did above, that I do not wish to attend their wedding it is, in part, because I would find it hot and crowded and uncomfortable as well as because it is not what I am used to. But if the bride and groom (or two brides or two grooms) are happy to be getting married and the guests support their love, then it will be a joyous, love-filled occasion.

I am sure I would smile at a video of their wedding and send them a nice gift if I had been invited. Who would not wish them well?

AGBF
 

Lady_Disdain

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Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

If the airfare and cruise work out to $4800, you should budget a lot more. Not only will you need a hotel room for the arrival and departure nights (don't try to go straight from the airport to the docks or, even worse, from the dock to the airport - things will go wrong), taxi fare to and from the airport, etc, but you need to consider shore tours. You are not going to sit around the ship while it is in Vienna or Nuremberg, are you? Throw in some shopping, a special dinner at a local restaurant and I would guess it would all come in at over $6000, as iLander estimated.

I think this is way too much to ask and I would have no problems telling the HC no.
 
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