Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Much???

[momhappy]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

It sounds like it may be really hard to stand up to SIL based on her reactions. But someone has to give her a reality check of how things may be if she goes through with it as planned -

I don't mean to be dense on this, but why? Why does someone have to give her a reality check?

That's already been tried by Tuffy's DH, and it was not well received. Why would anyone expect a second attempt to suddenly get through to her? I really don't think it will; what it will more likely do is this:

It will build instant resentment toward the soul who tries to deliver the reality check, *and* I'd bet my whole year's salary that the ripples from that resentment will continue for years after the actual wedding itself. It is not worth it.

She will get a reality check.....when she begins receiving all the declinations from her intended guests. Those guests will not be at family holiday gatherings, birthdays and other milestone events to endure the ripples over the years, so let them be the bad guys.

It's enough for now for Tuffy and DH's family to just say "we so want to be a part of your special day, so we will be attending the wedding. We won't be joining for the cruise, but we'll be sending our best wishes to you and your guests for a fun time."

I completely agree. Why should someone try to plan someone else's wedding? Sure, OP may have been open-minded enough to want to please others (and I can see why since she said that she wanted an anti-wedding), but other people might not be so receptive and they have their own vision for their big day. I truly find this difficult to understand. I can't imagine how hurt I would be if a family member came to me and said that others in the family have been talking and they've all decided that that my wedding plan stinks You might think that you're giving her a helpful reality check, but she will likely not view it that way, especially based on the response she's already had to the previous conversation. It sounds like you already have a "plan B" (meeting them for the wedding, but skipping the cruise), so if it was me, I'd skip the family drama and start controlling the things that were in my control (my participation in the trip).
I realize that I may not share in the popular opinion here - these are just my thoughts and I hope that the situation works out in one way or another. These types of family dramas can be so tricky to deal with, so I feel bad that you're going thought this OP.

 

[ennui]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Has the groom proposed yet? That's the part that cracks me up.

Do all of the guests have passports? That's another small hurdle.

 

[MollyMalone]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Has the groom proposed yet? That's the part that cracks me up.

Well, a formal proposal is not a prerequisite to getting married, or planning a wedding. Hard for me to imagine that his parents have been covertly hatching this plan with their not yet daughter-in-law as a kind of surprise shotgun marriage.

I just wanted to clarify ... I think it's very nice of the FILs to offer $20K for the wedding, considering that it is traditional for the bride's parents to pay. The problem is that they added the condition of doing it on the European cruise, and it's possible that they don't even see this as a flaw.

Leaving aside the question of why that tradition (of the bride's parents bearing the bulk/all of the wedding costs) still holds sway, I'm wondering: do the parents (bride's, groom's or jointly) of most couples marrying in their mid-30's -- as are the bride and groom here -- foot the bill for the wedding? That hasn't been true for anyone I know in real life, even younger couples; unless they were in, or fresh out of, college or grad school, the bride and groom were the hosts of a wedding they themselves could afford... altho' family members might offer to contribute towards the cost.

 

[MollyMalone]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

The idea that a wedding day (or in this case, 2-week cruise) is Only About Us strikes me as bizarre (can't think of any other social event where basic consideration of the collective others would be given such a pass) and unfortunate, for it's spawned many a Bride/Groomzilla.

But your SIL already has had a reality check & because the plan has apparently been revised, were I your mother-in-law, tuffy, the only thing I would say to my daughter is something along the lines of
"I see how excited you are about the upcoming cruise & I want to let you know how much I appreciate you planning it so that there won't be a wedding on the ship. I didn't know it until several years ago, when you treated me to the Bahamas cruise, but seasickness -- even on a big cruise ship -- is a real problem for me, along with feeling claustrophobic. So athough a 12-night cruise isn't in the cards for me, I am really looking forward to the symbolic wedding in Dublin or wherever you two decide; I think it will be lovely, and as special as you and [fiancé's name] are together. And because the legal ceremony has special meaning, I'd love to see the solemnization here at the courthouse too. Perhaps we could plan a brunch or lunch before or after?" [if mom is willing to spring for the costs of that]

I.e., the courtesy of heads-up regrets early on, so the fact that I won't be on the cruise itself isn't a secret, doesn't come as a later surprise.

 

[momhappy]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Has the groom proposed yet? That's the part that cracks me up.

Well, a formal proposal is not a prerequisite to getting married, or planning a wedding. Hard for me to imagine that his parents have been covertly hatching this plan with their not yet daughter-in-law as a kind of surprise shotgun marriage.

I just wanted to clarify ... I think it's very nice of the FILs to offer $20K for the wedding, considering that it is traditional for the bride's parents to pay. The problem is that they added the condition of doing it on the European cruise, and it's possible that they don't even see this as a flaw.

Leaving aside the question of why that tradition (of the bride's parents bearing the bulk/all of the wedding costs) still holds sway, I'm wondering: do the parents (bride's, groom's or jointly) of most couples marrying in their mid-30's -- as are the bride and groom here -- foot the bill for the wedding? That hasn't been true for anyone I know in real life, even younger couples; unless they were in, or fresh out of, college or grad school, the bride and groom were the hosts of a wedding they themselves could afford... altho' family members might offer to contribute towards the cost.

I don't think it's common these days for the bride's parents to foot the bill. Most couples I know pay for much of it themselves and the families might contribute in some ways.

 

[jordyonbass]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Leaving aside the question of why that tradition (of the bride's parents bearing the bulk/all of the wedding costs) still holds sway, I'm wondering: do the parents (bride's, groom's or jointly) of most couples marrying in their mid-30's -- as are the bride and groom here -- foot the bill for the wedding? That hasn't been true for anyone I know in real life, even younger couples; unless they were in, or fresh out of, college or grad school, the bride and groom were the hosts of a wedding they themselves could afford... altho' family members might offer to contribute towards the cost.

I don't know about it being a tradition based on age as the wife was 30 and I was 26 when we got married, however my father did raise this as being a tradition when we were originally planning our wedding. I won't go into the argument that ensued about who would pay for what as all our parents offered to contribute relatively handsome sums of money for our wedding, but in the end we started working 12 and 13 day fortnights to foot in the bill in order to stop the problems and stress it was causing everyone as well as us.

 

[ennui]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

In my experience, the question of "who pays" depends on the age of the couple and the wealth of the parents. However, I know couples who have been together for years and years and don't get married at all.

Clearly, PS caters to the traditionalists who buy engagement rings, and not the "who needs a piece of paper" crowd.

 

[momhappy]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

The idea that a wedding day (or in this case, 2-week cruise) is Only About Us strikes me as bizarre (can't think of any other social event where basic consideration of the collective others would be given such a pass) and unfortunate, for it's spawned many a Bride/Groomzilla.

But your SIL already has had a reality check & because the plan has apparently been revised, were I your mother-in-law, tuffy, the only thing I would say to my daughter is something along the lines of
"I see how excited you are about the upcoming cruise & I want to let you know how much I appreciate you planning it so that there won't be a wedding on the ship. I didn't know it until several years ago, when you treated me to the Bahamas cruise, but seasickness -- even on a big cruise ship -- is a real problem for me, along with feeling claustrophobic. So athough a 12-night cruise isn't in the cards for me, I am really looking forward to the symbolic wedding in Dublin or wherever you two decide; I think it will be lovely, and as special as you and [fiancé's name] are together. And because the legal ceremony has special meaning, I'd love to see the solemnization here at the courthouse too. Perhaps we could plan a brunch or lunch before or after?" [if mom is willing to spring for the costs of that]

I.e., the courtesy of heads-up regrets early on, so the fact that I won't be on the cruise itself isn't a secret, doesn't come as a later surprise.

I can agree with you that a wedding is not necessarily an Only About Us (the bride & groom) event. However, if you're planning a destination wedding, and you are okay with a smaller guest list as a result, then a bride & groom should plan as they wish. If the SIL in this scenario begrudges guests for not making the cruise, then yes, that's pretty selfish. I suppose the only way to determine how SIL will feel about it is by having a conversation like the one you posted above. It sounds pretty reasonable and less of an attack on the bride and her wedding plans.

 

[LLJsmom]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

The idea that a wedding day (or in this case, 2-week cruise) is Only About Us strikes me as bizarre (can't think of any other social event where basic consideration of the collective others would be given such a pass) and unfortunate, for it's spawned many a Bride/Groomzilla.

But your SIL already has had a reality check & because the plan has apparently been revised, were I your mother-in-law, tuffy, the only thing I would say to my daughter is something along the lines of
"I see how excited you are about the upcoming cruise & I want to let you know how much I appreciate you planning it so that there won't be a wedding on the ship. I didn't know it until several years ago, when you treated me to the Bahamas cruise, but seasickness -- even on a big cruise ship -- is a real problem for me, along with feeling claustrophobic. So athough a 12-night cruise isn't in the cards for me, I am really looking forward to the symbolic wedding in Dublin or wherever you two decide; I think it will be lovely, and as special as you and [fiancé's name] are together. And because the legal ceremony has special meaning, I'd love to see the solemnization here at the courthouse too. Perhaps we could plan a brunch or lunch before or after?" [if mom is willing to spring for the costs of that]

I.e., the courtesy of heads-up regrets early on, so the fact that I won't be on the cruise itself isn't a secret, doesn't come as a later surprise.

Molly, that is the nicest and most considerate message I have read. You would have to script that for me to come up with anything close. If that doesn't work I don't know what will. I always thought that the wedding is for the bride and groom to have the pleasure of the company of the invitees, not for the invitees to be honored by even being invited. Am I saying that clearly? I mean the guests are not the ones lucky to get the invite. The couple is lucky people want to be there. So bottom line. They should make it nice and easy for all their guests or they simply won't show up. That was my philosophy for my wedding. So bride and groom need to suck it up if people don't choose to submit themselves to conditions over which they have no control.

I do feel really badly for the MIL.

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

The problem that MIL and DH are having with the cruise-plus-wedding is that because of the time restrictions (ship docks at 8:30am, departs at 5pm) they won't get to spend any time with SIL the day before her wedding, the night of her wedding (when the real party will be), or the day after. Really they will only have a few hours in the afternoon to spend with her and they are having a really tough time with that. If they were just having a regular wedding (destination or not), the family would have the rehearsal dinner the night before, the whole day of the wedding and perhaps a brunch the day after. MIL is really sad because if she doesn't go on the cruise she will not be able to enjoy much time with her daughter, yet if she goes on the cruise, she will not enjoy any of the time because she will feel claustrophobic and sick. I just don't think there is any really great solution. Someone is going to be hurt no matter what.

I haven't said anything to SIL, and don't plan on it. DH spoke his piece and I have advised him not to give his opinion any more. MIL may or may not voice her concerns. At this point we will have to wait and see.

 

[telephone89]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

So they aren't even getting legally married on their DW. Why doesn't everyone just go witness their legal marriage, go for dinner after and the couple will go on the 'DW' with their inlaws? Parents/family don't have to fly internationally, no one has to get seasick, kids still pocket $20k. Everyone wins.

What honestly annoys me about this is that people don't think the 'legal' part of marriage is what's important - its all about the show. Its the white dress, and the cake, and the dancing. NO that is not what marriage is about, and that's not what people for (at least) a century have been fighting for (interracial, gay, etc). All they are doing in dublin is playing dress up - that is not a wedding. /rant

Sorry for that. Pretty hot topic with myself.

 

[LLJsmom]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

The problem that MIL and DH are having with the cruise-plus-wedding is that because of the time restrictions (ship docks at 8:30am, departs at 5pm) they won't get to spend any time with SIL the day before her wedding, the night of her wedding (when the real party will be), or the day after. Really they will only have a few hours in the afternoon to spend with her and they are having a really tough time with that. If they were just having a regular wedding (destination or not), the family would have the rehearsal dinner the night before, the whole day of the wedding and perhaps a brunch the day after. MIL is really sad because if she doesn't go on the cruise she will not be able to enjoy much time with her daughter, yet if she goes on the cruise, she will not enjoy any of the time because she will feel claustrophobic and sick. I just don't think there is any really great solution. Someone is going to be hurt no matter what.

I haven't said anything to SIL, and don't plan on it. DH spoke his piece and I have advised him not to give his opinion any more. MIL may or may not voice her concerns. At this point we will have to wait and see.

What kind of daughter did MIL raise, that she wouldn't know or ask her own mother if she would be ok going on a cruise? Or does MIL need to grow a backbone and tell her daughter that cruises make her ill? Is it Daughter's fault if mother never tells her daughter? I guess this is the advantage of having an in your face family. You will always know where you stand. All this drama and uncertainty might be eliminated if only people could speak up. OP, your DH spoke up and did his part. Now mom should do the same. I would not be able to be a mother who would be afraid to tell her daughter the truth about something so important. I always try to tell my daughter my opinion. She may not agree with me but that doesn't stop me. If mothers cannot tell their daughters the truth, what kind of relationship would that be? And if she doesn't, someday she may resent her daughter. However, I do think Molly's kind words are a wonderful way to communicate that.

 

[ame]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Hi all!!! I haven't been around in a long time, but I am here because I desperately need some neutral third-party perspective…

My sister-in-law (who is soon to be engaged) called me today to let me know that she booked her wedding for May 2016. I am excited for her, but my stomach dropped when she told me that they held rooms for a 12 day long european cruise. I feel like this is a lot to ask of her guests… it's an 11 hour/$1200 flight from Los Angeles (where most guests will be traveling from) to Amsterdam (where the cruise departs from), and her guests will each have to take 2 weeks off work and spend $3000 per person for the cruise, plus incidentals (hotel rooms for shoulder nights, pet sitters, transportation, etc). My husband and I don't care for cruises, and neither does her mother, but we have a hard time telling her so, because we want to support her if this is what she really wants. HOWEVER, I am afraid that it is going to turn out to be a disaster if most of the invited guests can't make it due to the expense and amount of time away from work/home. She told me that her friends think that the cruise sounds awesome and they can be counted in, but I have to question if that will still be the case when the time comes to pay for everything and get time off of work. She is only planning on inviting 20-25 guests, and I feel like if only 8 people end up going she will be really disappointed.

I am trying not to let my personal feelings get in the way, I am so happy that she is getting married, but honestly, my husband and I are not going to be excited to spend $8,000-$10,000 dollars on a vacation that we don't want. Please tell me your opinions: am I being too harsh--should I just be happy for her, or should I voice my concerns to her???

BREAKDOWN:
Total cost: approx $4,200 per guest for travel expenses, plus incidentals
Total time away from work/home: two weeks
IS THIS TOO MUCH TO ASK OF WEDDING GUESTS???

Yes, it is. Beyond. If she wants to pay out of pocket for them, that's one thing, but to expect people to blow their entire PTO? Not happening. They should make that their honeymoon and have a wedding closer to home, esp since their wedding isn't even a legal wedding with this plan, or even a weekend event there that IS legally binding. That's insane. Someone better tell them IMMEDIATELY before they make any other plans. Like, your husband (this is his sister I assume?) or her mother. Like NOW.

 

[House Cat]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Wait...


The "groom" (how am I even saying this?) hasn't even PROPOSED???!!!!


and they AREN'T EVEN GETTING LEGALLY MARRIED??!!!



Am I living in crazy town? We have spent how many pages discussing a pseudo engagement for an imaginary wedding for some completely crazy, self-centered people that you are debating on whether or not to go on a two week, $10,000 out of pocket cruise.............................


This gets worse and worse AND more bizarre as the plot thickens, but honestly...


just.say.no!


ABANDON SHIP!!!! ABANDON SHIP!!! I will throw you a life preserver now!!! Run as far away from these people as you can!!! They are toxic and drama producing and 35 shades of unstable!!!! No one needs this!

 

[MollyMalone]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Oh, that was so sweet of you to say, LLJsmom, thank you. I too feel badly for tuffy's MIL. I never experienced motion sickness until I was nearly 40, and my susceptibility to it has gotten increasingly worse since. As the mother of a son of marrying age, I'm sure it would sadden me immensely to not share in the celebration of his marriage.

 

[Maria D]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

The problem that MIL and DH are having with the cruise-plus-wedding is that because of the time restrictions (ship docks at 8:30am, departs at 5pm) they won't get to spend any time with SIL the day before her wedding, the night of her wedding (when the real party will be), or the day after. Really they will only have a few hours in the afternoon to spend with her and they are having a really tough time with that. If they were just having a regular wedding (destination or not), the family would have the rehearsal dinner the night before, the whole day of the wedding and perhaps a brunch the day after. MIL is really sad because if she doesn't go on the cruise she will not be able to enjoy much time with her daughter, yet if she goes on the cruise, she will not enjoy any of the time because she will feel claustrophobic and sick. I just don't think there is any really great solution. Someone is going to be hurt no matter what.

I haven't said anything to SIL, and don't plan on it. DH spoke his piece and I have advised him not to give his opinion any more. MIL may or may not voice her concerns. At this point we will have to wait and see.

The problem that MIL and DH are having is that SIL does not want what they consider to be the "proper" wedding. Going against the grain here, but I think they are going for way too much control here!

"they won't be able to spend any time with SIL the day before the wedding."
So what! My husband and I didn't have a rehearsal dinner and my mother didn't see me until noon of the day of, with ceremony at 6 pm. We didn't have a rehearsal dinner because with only a maid of honor and best man and an officiant who couldn't arrive until 5pm day of there was nothing to rehearse. Not only did everyone survive, mom and I have a wonderful relationship.

"Really they will only have a few hours in the afternoon to spend with her"
Again, so what? It is obviously not important to your SIL to spend more than a few hours with mom/brother on her wedding day. This isn't all that unusual. Many people get married with a small civil service and a simple cake and champagne reception afterwards. They often go on to have great familial relationships. Your SIL is getting married, not dying. There will be plenty of quality time to spend with her afterwards.

"perhaps a brunch the day after"
Brunch the day after became a thing (I think) when people stopped pretending they hadn't already consummated the relationship and therefore weren't driven to rush out and get the honeymoon started. They wanted to spend more time with their guests, many of which had travelled some distance. Again, obviously not important to your SIL.

"If they were just having a regular wedding (destination or not)"
They do not want a regular wedding. You can't make them want one. If they didn't like the cruise idea, the donation from future BIL's parents wouldn't be accepted. If I were in your shoes, I would stay out of it with MIL and tell my husband to face facts that his sister is fine with getting married without it being an inclusive "everybody's happy" event. She's basically inviting you to her elopement. If it's important to YOU to have all this time before and after the ceremony with her then go on the whole cruise. If it's not, but important to actually witness her real? pretend? ceremony, then choose to be there for that. If that doesn't seem worthwhile (I personally would not take time off and spend a bunch of money to spend a couple of hours watching my brother get married in a foreign country) then don't even do that. Instead, wait until they get back and celebrate some other way; a small party in their honor.

But to try to make this couple conform to other people's - even MILs - idea of the "proper" way to get married is controlling.

 

[iLander]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Wait...


The "groom" (how am I even saying this?) hasn't even PROPOSED???!!!!


and they AREN'T EVEN GETTING LEGALLY MARRIED??!!!



Am I living in crazy town? We have spent how many pages discussing a pseudo engagement for an imaginary wedding for some completely crazy, self-centered people that you are debating on whether or not to go on a two week, $10,000 out of pocket cruise.............................


This gets worse and worse AND more bizarre as the plot thickens, but honestly...


just.say.no!


ABANDON SHIP!!!! ABANDON SHIP!!! I will throw you a life preserver now!!! Run as far away from these people as you can!!! They are toxic and drama producing and 35 shades of unstable!!!! No one needs this!

I'm with housecat. It's just getting silly now. I would offer to go the courthouse with them and leave it there.

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

The problem that MIL and DH are having with the cruise-plus-wedding is that because of the time restrictions (ship docks at 8:30am, departs at 5pm) they won't get to spend any time with SIL the day before her wedding, the night of her wedding (when the real party will be), or the day after. Really they will only have a few hours in the afternoon to spend with her and they are having a really tough time with that. If they were just having a regular wedding (destination or not), the family would have the rehearsal dinner the night before, the whole day of the wedding and perhaps a brunch the day after. MIL is really sad because if she doesn't go on the cruise she will not be able to enjoy much time with her daughter, yet if she goes on the cruise, she will not enjoy any of the time because she will feel claustrophobic and sick. I just don't think there is any really great solution. Someone is going to be hurt no matter what.

I haven't said anything to SIL, and don't plan on it. DH spoke his piece and I have advised him not to give his opinion any more. MIL may or may not voice her concerns. At this point we will have to wait and see.

The problem that MIL and DH are having is that SIL does not want what they consider to be the "proper" wedding. Going against the grain here, but I think they are going for way too much control here!

"they won't be able to spend any time with SIL the day before the wedding."
So what! My husband and I didn't have a rehearsal dinner and my mother didn't see me until noon of the day of, with ceremony at 6 pm. We didn't have a rehearsal dinner because with only a maid of honor and best man and an officiant who couldn't arrive until 5pm day of there was nothing to rehearse. Not only did everyone survive, mom and I have a wonderful relationship.

"Really they will only have a few hours in the afternoon to spend with her"
Again, so what? It is obviously not important to your SIL to spend more than a few hours with mom/brother on her wedding day. This isn't all that unusual. Many people get married with a small civil service and a simple cake and champagne reception afterwards. They often go on to have great familial relationships. Your SIL is getting married, not dying. There will be plenty of quality time to spend with her afterwards.

"perhaps a brunch the day after"
Brunch the day after became a thing (I think) when people stopped pretending they hadn't already consummated the relationship and therefore weren't driven to rush out and get the honeymoon started. They wanted to spend more time with their guests, many of which had travelled some distance. Again, obviously not important to your SIL.

"If they were just having a regular wedding (destination or not)"
They do not want a regular wedding. You can't make them want one. If they didn't like the cruise idea, the donation from future BIL's parents wouldn't be accepted. If I were in your shoes, I would stay out of it with MIL and tell my husband to face facts that his sister is fine with getting married without it being an inclusive "everybody's happy" event. She's basically inviting you to her elopement. If it's important to YOU to have all this time before and after the ceremony with her then go on the whole cruise. If it's not, but important to actually witness her real? pretend? ceremony, then choose to be there for that. If that doesn't seem worthwhile (I personally would not take time off and spend a bunch of money to spend a couple of hours watching my brother get married in a foreign country) then don't even do that. Instead, wait until they get back and celebrate some other way; a small party in their honor.

But to try to make this couple conform to other people's - even MILs - idea of the "proper" way to get married is controlling.

I have to respectfully disagree with you here. SIL 100% DOES want her family there. She wants them all to take the cruise and she wants everyone (her future in-laws, her family, and her friends) to hang out the entire 12 days--she told her brother (my DH) that she really does hope that he will come on the cruise and gave the alternative of meeting in Dublin rather begrudgingly, but said that if they absolutely cannot take 12 days on the ship, that is the alternative. They are a very close-knit family, and the family is not trying to "stand up to her" or tell her that her idea is crappy, they are just trying to tell her that 12 days and $5,000+ is a lot to ask, but it would hurt them not to be with her for her wedding.

To be clear, I have spoken about this with DH and MIL, but I have not told her that I think it's a bad idea. In fact, no one has said that it's a bad idea, they've just stated their concerns (getting time off work, MIL getting seasick, etc). She asked me my thoughts when she called to tell me the plan and I told her that I did think that it was a lot to ask of her guests and I didn't think that everyone who she invites will end up attending, but if that is what she has her heart set on then we support her and will do our very best to be there with her. She said that everyone she told thought it was a great idea and said that they would come. I honestly think that she will be sorely disappointed if they don't and I don't think that her expectations are realistic, but I am not going to argue with her.

I know this is a lot of back-and-forth, and everyone has a right to their own opinion, but I know the family dynamic and it hurts me to think that MIL or SIL might end up hurt and disappointed on what is supposed to be a joyous day.

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Wait...


The "groom" (how am I even saying this?) hasn't even PROPOSED???!!!!


and they AREN'T EVEN GETTING LEGALLY MARRIED??!!!



Am I living in crazy town? We have spent how many pages discussing a pseudo engagement for an imaginary wedding for some completely crazy, self-centered people that you are debating on whether or not to go on a two week, $10,000 out of pocket cruise.............................


This gets worse and worse AND more bizarre as the plot thickens, but honestly...


just.say.no!


ABANDON SHIP!!!! ABANDON SHIP!!! I will throw you a life preserver now!!! Run as far away from these people as you can!!! They are toxic and drama producing and 35 shades of unstable!!!! No one needs this!

I'm with housecat. It's just getting silly now. I would offer to go the courthouse with them and leave it there.

I've actually been to two European destination weddings (one in Italy, one in Sweden) and neither one was a legal ceremony, so I'm not going to judge them for that. Though, to be fair, both couples had strong ties to the places they got married, so even though the ceremonies weren't legal, they were very special to those people. Because getting married in Europe carries more restrictions than getting married in the US it makes sense to me why they would do it that way. I am a baffled about why SIL chose Ireland--she's never even been there before!

I don't think they are toxic or unstable, but I do think that the plan is a bit strange and I don't "get it".

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Oh, that was so sweet of you to say, LLJsmom, thank you. I too feel badly for tuffy's MIL. I never experienced motion sickness until I was nearly 40, and my susceptibility to it has gotten increasingly worse since. As the mother of a son of marrying age, I'm sure it would sadden me immensely to not share in the celebration of his marriage.

Thanks for all your kind words and support--I feel like you understand the situation really well even though you don't know us. MIL and DH would be absolutely heartbroken not being there with my SIL for her wedding, and she would be deeply saddened with them not being there too. That is what is most upsetting here.

 

[momhappy]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Wait...


The "groom" (how am I even saying this?) hasn't even PROPOSED???!!!!


and they AREN'T EVEN GETTING LEGALLY MARRIED??!!!



Am I living in crazy town? We have spent how many pages discussing a pseudo engagement for an imaginary wedding for some completely crazy, self-centered people that you are debating on whether or not to go on a two week, $10,000 out of pocket cruise.............................


This gets worse and worse AND more bizarre as the plot thickens, but honestly...


just.say.no!


ABANDON SHIP!!!! ABANDON SHIP!!! I will throw you a life preserver now!!! Run as far away from these people as you can!!! They are toxic and drama producing and 35 shades of unstable!!!! No one needs this!

I'm with housecat. It's just getting silly now. I would offer to go the courthouse with them and leave it there.

I've actually been to two European destination weddings (one in Italy, one in Sweden) and neither one was a legal ceremony, so I'm not going to judge them for that. Though, to be fair, both couples had strong ties to the places they got married, so even though the ceremonies weren't legal, they were very special to those people. Because getting married in Europe carries more restrictions than getting married in the US it makes sense to me why they would do it that way. I am a baffled about why SIL chose Ireland--she's never even been there before!

I don't think they are toxic or unstable, but I do think that the plan is a bit strange and I don't "get it".

I can certainly see why you don't get it - I don't either. It would definitely not be my dream wedding, but to each their own I guess. I really hope it works out for everyone. It's sad that such a joyous event has to be so complicated.

 

[azstonie]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Well, the bottom line:

They can invite you.

You can go or not go.

Just like for any other event. The fact that they are/aren't getting marrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeed doesn't matter.

How *you* choose to dedicate your time and money is the most personal function, expectations of others be damned. Expectations are the building blocks of disappointment.

Get ready for the Free Climb Christening! Low low cost of $5,000 per person!
Hang Gliding Happy BIrthday! Only $500 just for YOU!
Swim with the Dolphins-a-versary! Special for you---$1000.
Fund My Colonoscopy! Bets on how many hemorrhoids! Internal/external bonus prize!

 

[star sparkle]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Thanks for all your kind words and support--I feel like you understand the situation really well even though you don't know us. MIL and DH would be absolutely heartbroken not being there with my SIL for her wedding, and she would be deeply saddened with them not being there too. That is what is most upsetting here.

I dunno, I don't know that I completely buy this. My idea of my absolute ideal wedding was different than what my actual wedding was for precisely some of the reasons you're describing. I would have loved to have done a destination somewhere amazing and it probably would have cost the same amount (or more!) per person as your SIL is asking of her guests. HOWEVER, it was more important to me to have my mom and brother share the day with me, and they would never have been able to afford to attend. So, rather than stomp my feet and proclaim that it's my day, my rules, and blah blah blah, I planned a super intimate (16 guests) local wedding that was both something I loved and something that was feasible for my guests to actually attend, and then DH and I did an extravagant honeymoon.

I get that it IS their wedding and they should do as they wish, but IMO it's about priorities. Is she going to be more sad if they aren't there, or more sad if she can't do a 12 day cruise/wedding? Because if her sadness of them not being there outweighs her desire for the cruise wedding thing, she'd make different arrangements. If I had planned this super expensive destination wedding which made it impossible for people to attend either due to cost or time off or motion sickness, I don't think I'd have had any right to be upset if/when my invitees declined. Don't be disappointed/upset/mad/heartbroken that whoever can't share your day with you because you planned something they can't do, ya know? There are plenty of other options out there for her if it's really that upsetting.

 

[Maria D]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

I don't buy it either. How can she be deeply saddened if she knows her mother will be physically uncomfortable if she goes through with these plans?

 

[ennui]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

I'm hoping that once the rush of adrenaline wears off, the bride will be more practical and accommodating.

 

[missy]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Well, the bottom line:

They can invite you.

You can go or not go.

Just like for any other event. The fact that they are/aren't getting marrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeed doesn't matter.

How *you* choose to dedicate your time and money is the most personal function, expectations of others be damned. Expectations are the building blocks of disappointment.

Get ready for the Free Climb Christening! Low low cost of $5,000 per person!
Hang Gliding Happy BIrthday! Only $500 just for YOU!
Swim with the Dolphins-a-versary! Special for you---$1000.
Fund My Colonoscopy! Bets on how many hemorrhoids! Internal/external bonus prize!

Haha priceless.

I agree with the fact that it is *their* wedding however unreasonable their choice may be it is *their* choice and whoever shows up shows up. Ultimately it is the bride and groom's choice and they have to accept the fact that probably many people will not be able to (or want to) make this destination wedding work. Period.

When my dh and I got married for the first time we eloped. Much against my family's wishes. It didn't stop us. I wanted to elope when we did as I was ready to get married and wanted to do it and so we did. I felt badly that my family was so against it but not badly enough not to do it.

We still had the "big" wedding a few months later as scheduled when we first got engaged but I got married on my (our) own terms and that is basically how I live my life. As an adult I am not going to let others dictate how I live my life though I will listen and re-evaluate because I know I am not perfect and I can and have been wrong in my choices in the past. However they are *my* choices and I own them.

So while I agree this bride to be is being quite unreasonable in her choice of venue just due to the time and expense for others it is still her right and choice to make and the consequences are something she and her dh to be will have to live with because actions have consequences.

 

[Niel]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

I agree with the others who say that a marriage is about to people and a wedding is a collective social event. To take it from an elopement to a reception takes it from a personal, "do whatever we want" to a, at least small, social obligation.

The catty side of me hopes no one goes no goes on the cruise so the 20k she was earning from his parents has to fund the cruise she's getting "for free"

 

[missy]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

I agree with the others who say that a marriage is about to people and a wedding is a collective social event. To take it from an elopement to a reception takes it from a personal, "do whatever we want" to a, at least small, social obligation.

The catty side of me hopes no one goes no goes on the cruise so the 20k she was earning from his parents has to fund the cruise she's getting "for free"

Niel, a wedding is exactly what the bride and groom want it to be. It could be a collective social event or a more intimate affair between just the couple and a witness or 2. Or both as the case may be as in my experience. It really can be anything the bride and groom want it to be. I don't feel there is one right size fits all.

 

[Niel]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

I agree with the others who say that a marriage is about to people and a wedding is a collective social event. To take it from an elopement to a reception takes it from a personal, "do whatever we want" to a, at least small, social obligation.

The catty side of me hopes no one goes no goes on the cruise so the 20k she was earning from his parents has to fund the cruise she's getting "for free"

Niel, a wedding is exactly what the bride and groom want it to be. It could be a collective social event or a more intimate affair between just the couple and a witness or 2. Or both as the case may be as in my experience. It really can be anything the bride and groom want it to be. I don't feel there is one right size fits all.

You're misunderstanding what I'm saying. I didn't even say wedding, I said elopement vs reception. They can have their wedding whatever they want but when the wedding is expected to involve others I expect some social obligation comes into play. If you want others to join in your day, it becomes an expectation you're placing on them, and I think at least some consideration for them should exist.

 

[missy]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

I agree with the others who say that a marriage is about to people and a wedding is a collective social event. To take it from an elopement to a reception takes it from a personal, "do whatever we want" to a, at least small, social obligation.

The catty side of me hopes no one goes no goes on the cruise so the 20k she was earning from his parents has to fund the cruise she's getting "for free"

Niel, a wedding is exactly what the bride and groom want it to be. It could be a collective social event or a more intimate affair between just the couple and a witness or 2. Or both as the case may be as in my experience. It really can be anything the bride and groom want it to be. I don't feel there is one right size fits all.

You're misunderstanding what I'm saying. I didn't even say wedding, I said elopement vs reception. They can have their wedding whatever they want but when the wedding is expected to involve others I expect some social obligation comes into play. If you want others to join in your day, it becomes an expectation you're placing on them, and I think at least some consideration for them should exist.

OK Gotcha. Yes if you want others to be there you have to take into account these factors. Like I said they have to live with the consequences of their actions no doubt about it. She sounds immature to say the least not to realize this. Or else she does realize it and doesn't care. I have learned a long time ago not to put more effort into a relationship than others are willing to put into that same relationship. Time will tell what matters most to her and her dh to be.