Showing Appreciation

[joflier]

How is your s/o with telling you they appreciate the little things you do?

Mine is a very macho man who isn''t very good at saying those things, and I find myself having to read between the lines quite a bit. Example - I send him little 1 or 2 sentence emails during the day at work. He only responds about 1/2 the time. So I just figured I was bugging him while he was preoccupied with work, and that he didn''t really care if I sent them or not. So I quit. Then I hear "well gee, I haven''t heard from you at all today..."
I really dislike reading between the lines, but he''s just not good at coming out and saying "I like it when ____". This happens with a lot of small things. My ex, on the other hand - was really good at saying when he appreciated something. So this is very different. Is it a manly macho thing, or what?

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Mine is really bad at it. In fact I''m feeling a bit down today because of it. The night before last our dog got a hold of DH''s new sun glasses. They weren''t super expensive ($150), but they were a birthday present from me to DH. I discovered the carnage around 3am. While getting back into bed I woke DH up and when he asked what was going on I mentioned the glasses. I felt so bad about it, he really liked them. So last night after work I went and called in the SGH warranty, buying him a new pair at 1/2 off (still a $75 cost to me). All I got was an "oh, thanks." I thought I was doing the nicest thing for him and he barely blinked.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

I''m sure he doesn''t mean to make you feel unappreciated, or leave you guessing all the time, so if it bugs you, tell him. Or stop doing certain things and see if that elicits a comment. I''m not a patient enough person to keep doing something if I want it to be appreciated but don''t know if it is or not.

I see it like this - you don''t like reading between the lines, he doesn''t like saying certain things. Two things that can''t both be resolved. So, 50% of the time, you have to read between the lines, the other 50% he has to say these things.

Manly macho fills me with horror though, so maybe I''m not the right person to help here!

 

[joflier]

Hudson -Awww - that''s really nice of you to do that! See? Grr....why can''t they show it a little better - yanno? I''m sure he''s probably really thrilled to have a new pair.

MrsM - This is true....actually we probably do about a 50/50 split. The big things -he''s good with saying something. It''s just the little things. If he ever does nice little things for me that I appreciate, I always make sure and let him know. (of course then he downplays it like it was really nothing, and he doesn''t know why i''m saying thank you)

 

[Haven]

It took me a while to recognize DH''s brand of showing appreciation, I probably just didn''t "get it" until a year or two into our relationship. As I like to say: He doesn''t really emote. Ever.

I''m accustomed to people showing their appreciation with words and physical gestures, and DH is accustomed to showing his appreciation by taking care of things.

For example, for years he would drive up and down inner Lake Shore Drive to find a spot for his car so I could park in his parking garage when I came to visit him at his condo, and we wouldn''t have to waste time looking for a spot once I got there. This doesn''t sound like that big of a deal, but it was huge. It often took him an hour to find a spot, and that meant it would have taken me or us an hour to find a spot together, thus wasting a lot of our time. (He lived in a really busy area of the city, obviously.)

We had a couple long conversations about this issue because I took his style as him not being affectionate, and it really bothered me. He shared that, in his eyes, it''s not what you say that matters, it''s what you do. And I think he''s right. He may not tell me that he loves me or that he''s so happy to be with me a lot, but he *shows* it by taking exceptional care of our home and our pets, and by taking care of me when I start to slack on things that I normally do. It''s hard to explain, but I feel more loved by him than I have ever felt before even though he doesn''t really say he loves me very much. He acts like he does, which I think is much more important.

So, like you, I totally had to read between the lines because all of these things weren''t as obvious to me then as they are now. But, once I figured out how to read him, I realized that I am so very loved. I bet it''s the same with you guys.

Your story about the emails reminds me of how I used to hide funny notes in DH''s condo when we were first getting serious, and while I thought they were hilarious and touching, he NEVER said anything about them. So, after a while I stopped hiding them. Fast forward a few years to our first year of marriage: DH and I were switching night stands (long story) so I took everything out of his nightstand drawers and mine to make the transfer. What do you think I found in there? Every stupid little note, drawing, token, etc. that I EVER gave him. He had even clipped all those hidden notes together and put them in an envelope. I was SHOCKED. When I told him I was surprised that he kept them he said "Of course I kept them, I love those things! I was so bummed when you stopped hiding them."

Sounds familiar, huh?

I bet your guy really appreciates everything you do for him, and why wouldn''t he? You''re awesome, Jo, and he''s lucky to be with you.

 

[sbde]

Date: 4/7/2010 2:14:24 PM
Author: Haven
It took me a while to recognize DH''s brand of showing appreciation, I probably just didn''t ''get it'' until a year or two into our relationship. As I like to say: He doesn''t really emote. Ever.

I''m accustomed to people showing their appreciation with words and physical gestures, and DH is accustomed to showing his appreciation by taking care of things.

For example, for years he would drive up and down inner Lake Shore Drive to find a spot for his car so I could park in his parking garage when I came to visit him at his condo, and we wouldn''t have to waste time looking for a spot once I got there. This doesn''t sound like that big of a deal, but it was huge. It often took him an hour to find a spot, and that meant it would have taken me or us an hour to find a spot together, thus wasting a lot of our time. (He lived in a really busy area of the city, obviously.)

We had a couple long conversations about this issue because I took his style as him not being affectionate, and it really bothered me. He shared that, in his eyes, it''s not what you say that matters, it''s what you do. And I think he''s right. He may not tell me that he loves me or that he''s so happy to be with me a lot, but he *shows* it by taking exceptional care of our home and our pets, and by taking care of me when I start to slack on things that I normally do. It''s hard to explain, but I feel more loved by him than I have ever felt before even though he doesn''t really say he loves me very much. He acts like he does, which I think is much more important.

So, like you, I totally had to read between the lines because all of these things weren''t as obvious to me then as they are now. But, once I figured out how to read him, I realized that I am so very loved. I bet it''s the same with you guys.

Your story about the emails reminds me of how I used to hide funny notes in DH''s condo when we were first getting serious, and while I thought they were hilarious and touching, he NEVER said anything about them. So, after a while I stopped hiding them. Fast forward a few years to our first year of marriage: DH and I were switching night stands (long story) so I took everything out of his nightstand drawers and mine to make the transfer. What do you think I found in there? Every stupid little note, drawing, token, etc. that I EVER gave him. He had even clipped all those hidden notes together and put them in an envelope. I was SHOCKED. When I told him I was surprised that he kept them he said ''Of course I kept them, I love those things! I was so bummed when you stopped hiding them.''

Sounds familiar, huh?

I bet your guy really appreciates everything you do for him, and why wouldn''t he? You''re awesome, Jo, and he''s lucky to be with you.

haven, you''ve described my DH to a T here. i must admit, at times i still do get a bit bummed to not HEAR nice things from him, but i suppose at the end of the day the fact that he shows how he feels rather than saying it is a better thing.

joflier, i think it is really just a hangup some men have - mine included.

 

[Amber St. Clare]

My husband isn''t good about saying things...but it''s the THINGS he does that let''s me know how he feels--warming up the car for me in cold weather, checking on my gas tank and filling up the tank; buying CDs, books, etc. of things he knows I''m interested in --getting tickets for performers/shows he doesn''t necessarily like but I do...

My grandmother told me years ago don''t listen to what a man SAYS, watch what he DOES. And she was right.

 

[JSM]

Date: 4/7/2010 2:39:44 PM
Author: Amber St. Clare

My grandmother told me years ago don''t listen to what a man SAYS, watch what he DOES. And she was right.

Absolutely. It was my turn to do the dishes but I didn''t feel well last night, and left them to stink up the place! DH got up half an hour early this morning and washed every single dish in the sink. <3

He doesn''t always tell me in words (unless I remind him!), but sometimes these gestures mean so much.

 

[joflier]

Date: 4/7/2010 2:14:24 PM
Author: Haven

Your story about the emails reminds me of how I used to hide funny notes in DH''s condo when we were first getting serious, and while I thought they were hilarious and touching, he NEVER said anything about them. So, after a while I stopped hiding them. Fast forward a few years to our first year of marriage: DH and I were switching night stands (long story) so I took everything out of his nightstand drawers and mine to make the transfer. What do you think I found in there? Every stupid little note, drawing, token, etc. that I EVER gave him. He had even clipped all those hidden notes together and put them in an envelope. I was SHOCKED. When I told him I was surprised that he kept them he said ''Of course I kept them, I love those things! I was so bummed when you stopped hiding them.''

Sounds familiar, huh?

I bet your guy really appreciates everything you do for him, and why wouldn''t he? You''re awesome, Jo, and he''s lucky to be with you.

Yup - pretty much! lol
Even though we''ve known each other so long, there''s still a lot I don''t get about him. You had a good phrase - doesn''t emote. Actually that describes both of us pretty well. We emote about ''stuff'' (work, friends, family) just not much about each other. We just don''t get all warm and fuzzy on the outside. I''m going to pilfer your phrase. I like that one.

 

[Lilac]

DH is really great about telling me he appreciates the things I do. We''re both very emotional and mushy people (sometimes a little sickly sweet, but I love that about him and about our relationship) so we tell each other on a daily basis how much we love each other and we thank each other for little things every day. We send little emails, texts, or leave notes for each other.

I''ve been thinking about it since I saw this thread this afternoon, and I think it has a lot to do with our age when we met. DH and I were both teenagers and fell in love very quickly and we were very young (16/17), and let''s be honest - teenagers can be pretty dramatic and get carried away with feelings sometimes! It was definitely true love between DH and I and not just "puppy love," but I think because we were so young we got in the habit of writing long overly expressive love letters to each other on a daily or weekly basis and we never got out of the habit. It has lessened slightly as we''ve both become busier, but we began our relationship with frequently expressing our emotions (through both words and actions) and we''ve been like that ever since.

I spent the last few days with my father for Passover and noticed he is the type of man who expresses his emotions through actions but rarely words. He loves when I call him and loves when I come see him, but he doesn''t really ever say it. He cares about my stepmom and loves her, but he very rarely, if ever, expresses it in words. He''s very bad with expressing his love through words, but he''s wonderful at showing his care and appreciation through actions.

 

[PumpkinPie]

luckily my husband is good at saying and doing - he doesnt talk about his own feelings much, except where they relate to me - he tells me he loves me everyday, that he misses me when I work on a weekend, and he always thanks me for things I do for him. He picks me up from work most days, kisses me goodbye every day, sometimes packs my lunch, leaves me surprise chocolates in my lunch bag, is always available for a hug and a million other ways

 

[Gayletmom]

My mom, who''s a therapist and sees some couples, sometimes refers to people having different love languages. I think that there is a book on the subject but the basic premise is just what Haven described-we each have our own way of showing love. For women, we often prefer verbal and/or romantic expressions (flowers, candy, etc) and men often show their love by doing things for people. You can see why we often misinterpret each other.

Anyway, it''s really interesting stuff and I like Haven''s direct approach of discussing what says "I love you" to each of us.

Gayle