Should I be quiet because I'm a houseguest?

[kenny]

We are staying with my SO's family for the holiday.
They live were it is very cold at night.
The house is heated and VERY hot!!! ... Easily 85+ degrees F.

I'm sweating and miserable.
I casually mentioned it felt hot but my SO's mom says, 'The thermostat is set to 68 degrees'.
I checked, and she's right.
Clearly it is out of calibration but it's not my house and I'm not sure if it is okay to continue the conversation.
I constantly struggle with 'teaching moments' when visiting here or when they visit our house and my SO insists that I STFU since he is quite loyal to his family and says I can come across as a know-it-all.
I'm sure he's correct, so I work on it.

What would you do/say?

What's surreal is they have fans running all over the house too.

Last T-Day I posted that after the feast they left the cooked turkey and everything out on the kitchen counter for several hours, maybe 5 hours IIRC.
I found an appropriate opportunity in the last 12 months to talk about food-safety and why meat should be refrigerated within an hour of leaving the oven.
But this year the same thing happened, so I'll not be having leftovers tomorrow.

I really try to respect diversity, especially as a guest, but sometimes you just wanna slap someone.

 

[kenny]

On a related note ...

I brought some organic Blue Agave low glycemic sweetener to give them.
SO's dad is diabetic and this is probably healthier than the yellow, pink, or blue paper packets of artificial sweetener he puts in his 6 cups of daily coffee.

I bought it since I began backing and was looking for healthier sugar substitutes.
Costco had a two-bottle pack that was way cheaper than other stores.

My SO doesn't know I brought it.
I have a really excellent relationship with his dad.

 

[monarch64]

That sucks! I HATE trying to sleep when I'm too hot. It's probably one of the worst things ever, honestly.

If you're staying all weekend, or at least another night, I would say something in the morning. Ask for one of their 92 fans to have in the room you sleep in, and aim it towards your bed. There's no reason you should be uncomfortable, and a gracious host/hostess should have no problem accomodating your needs.

What does your SO think or say?

ETA: scratch all that. I just read your posts again. Don't eat the leftovers but don't bother trying to school the family on food safety if you already have done so. And go out to a drugstore and buy yourself a little room fan that you can plug in and use in the room you're sleeping in.

Families are hard, especially when they're yours, and even more especially when they're NOT yours. It's good you get along with SO's dad. I hope he is receptive to the sweetener you brought.

 

[kenny]

What does your SO think or say?

Thanks M64.

He is one-zillion percent biased in favor of his mom.
She can do no wrong.
I can.

We don't have the perfect relationship but I love him almost as much as chocolate and my Octavia.

Actually my SO's asleep now under the ceiling fan which is on the highest speed and an additional floor fan.
How dumb is that? ... not him, but that they turn the heat so high that everyone is wasting electricity using fans.

 

[monarch64]

Aww. Well, speaking from experience, your SO is caught between pleasing the two people he loves most in the world.

 

[kenny]

Aww. Well, speaking from experience, your SO is caught between pleasing the two people he loves most in the world.

You mean his mom and his dad?

 

[monarch64]

Aww. Well, speaking from experience, your SO is caught between pleasing the two people he loves most in the world.

You mean his mom and his dad?

I would laugh back if I thought you were actually laughing. Try to find something positive about the situation and know that this is just a few days.

We didn't travel to do holiday stuff with my family this year, even though they are mostly all about 30 minutes away. Too much stress/tension. We had a really relaxing day to ourselves. I highly recommend not doing a big holiday shindig if possible, although I know most times it can't be helped. Better to see family in small doses in day-to-day circumstances when the expectations are much lower.

Sorry, off my soapbox, having realized I was on one.

I hope you get some rest tonight, Kenny. Btw your Octavia and ring that you posted recently is just beautiful.

 

[Karl_K]

Do they have arthritis?
Since mine has got to the point it bugs me I find keeping it warm(~80 year round) in the house helps.
And yes I run fans.
The added cost is a small price to pay for the reduced symptoms.

 

[asscherisme]

I think if you say something you will create tension between you and your so because he asked you not to. But I do feel for you. I hate hate being hot. Especially when its cold out. And at night its the worst. My ex was ALWAYS cold and at night was the worst. We would always fight over the thermostat! Its only a few days.

Is there a window in the room you are sleeping in that you could open? If you don't feel safe sleeping with it open, could you at least cool the room down a little?

I have a family member that I sometimes visit overnight and her house is always hot. I have to confess when she is not paying attention, I lower the thermostat and then raise it when I leave. She has never noticed! But then again she is very old. I justify myself that I'm saving her money I also pack short sleeves and shorts to sleep in. Because even lowering it, its still hot in her home.

 

[crown1]

On a related note ...

I brought some organic Blue Agave low glycemic sweetener to give them.
SO's dad is diabetic and this is probably healthier than the yellow, pink, or blue paper packets of artificial sweetener he puts in his 6 cups of daily coffee.

I bought it since I began backing and was looking for healthier sugar substitutes.
Costco had a two-bottle pack that was way cheaper than other stores.

My SO doesn't know I brought it.
I have a really excellent relationship with his dad.

Kenny, I have some experience with insulin dependent diabetes and I would not use the Blue Agave. I do not favor the artificial packets either. Stevia would be my choice. The agave I have read about is a fructose syrup which I don't think I would recommend. I do not claim to be an expert just my understanding. Had you brought it to our home it would not have been used. Not trying to tell you what to do just offering my perspective. You seem to be an intelligent guy so maybe you know something I have missed.

 

[Ashleigh]

I think you should make your opinion known to your SO. It's up to him if he wants to talk to his family about lowering the heat so that they needn't switch on so many fans. Speaking to his mum directly is a no-no. You can try his dad though if you are confident your SO won't be upset.

 

[JewelFreak]

Kenny, I know what you are experiencing. I could barely stand to be in the same room with my MIL & DH adored her. FIL was a zero; whatever was easy was ok with him, as long as it didn't require effort. I just hated every minute of staying with them. It was almost worse when they visited us; nothing in my household was done right (except a looooong booooring conversation w/MIL congratulating me on getting his shirts so clean; amazing we Colonists could do that, out in the wilderness as we are -- conducted in our house in the middle of San Francisco ). Yawn.

Here's how I dealt: "It's temporary." We'll get outta here soon & my mama taught me to be a cheerful guest even if it hurts. "It's temporary." They're not going to live forever; the day will come when I won't have to deal -- and it did. I did not want DH to have any reason to resent my attitude toward them -- not good relationship strategy. "Do not teach." They've been doing what they're doing forever; my whippersnapper ideas only drop into a dark sinkhole with other stupid suggestions. If I go nuts at MIL's lecturing me on how to spend an entire day scrubbing my counters, she feels the same when I give her the benefit of my "radical" youngster ideas.

The old saw that you can't change other people; you can only change how you react to them applies here in spades. SO chooses to live with you, not them. Take a deep breath, have an extra martini, & let it all roll off you -- they are not your responsibility. And open a freaking window at night. Chin up!

--- Laurie

 

[missy]

Kenny, can you open the window in the guest bedroom at night so you can get the temperature cooler for sleep? I am very temperature sensitive and there is truly no way I could sleep (or even hang out during the day) in an overly warm room for me. And my dh understands this and has supported me when I have discussed this issue (a hot topic in my family pun intended) with others when their home is too warm for me. If they are not suffering from a medical condition I would absolutely bring it up with his parents. If they are dealing with health related issues due to temp and that is why they keep the house too warm then try to open the window in your guest bedroom and get some fans to keep the air circulating. Or...hotel/motel room? I mean sleep is important and this way you can have quality time with your SO's family during waking hours. This is what I would do. Good luck, I hope you are able to resolve this issue satisfactorily for all involved.

 

[AprilBaby]

Many older people are cold all the time even if it's warm outside. As a kid we would go to my grandparents for Easter and the heat would be set for 75 degrees and the ovens would all be on. Even at ten I thought I would die of the heat. But there were wearing long underwear under their clothes! I guess dress light and open a window at night. I get it. ( you sound like you are going thru man o pause)

 

[blackprophet]

What about suggesting a programmable thermostat? Under the guise of saving energy? Nothing about the house being to hot. Just that they can set it to turn down when they are out (or sleeping ) and turn up when they are there. And wont have to play with it all the time.

 

[Boatluvr]

I'm guessing maybe they are a little older? My mother (who is 8 is always 'chilled'. It drives me crazy. Rather than putting on a sweater she turns the heat up and I roast. Such is life. I go to bed early and I'm grateful to be able to open the window - even when it's 30ish degrees out. I just need fresh air. To me there is nothing worse than being too warm! I will frequently be in shorts and a t-shirt when she's all bundled up. I feel for you Kenny. Take frequent walks to cool off and good luck with the rest of this visit.

 

[VRBeauty]

Kenny, I know your heart is in the right place, but... you might consider taking that blue agave home and using it in your own coffee:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-jonny-bowden/debunking-the-blue-agave_b_450144.html

My sibs and I have the same problem with the temperatures in my parents' house when we visit there - I think part of it is the old people being cold all the time thing, and part of it is just that we're all a lot more active than my parents. Even in my own house I tend to crank the heat up when I'm relatively inactive, and down when I'm up and doing stuff. Health conditions can also play a roll in the need for more heat too. My mother is getting chemo that makes her feel cold all the time... I imagine diabetes, which can cause blood flow problems (hence some of the more horrible side effects of this horrible disease) has a similar effect.

Just pretend you're vacationing in the tropics and run around in a tee shirt and shorts!

 

[movie zombie]

I agree with VRBeauty.....the agave just isn't any better for your SO's dad.

and I also agree with VR re "pretend": but take it a step further and wear swim trunks/shorts, flip flops, carry a towel and a spray bottle of water! mimic a beach scene in your mind!

or you could spring for a new thermostat and installation as your holiday present to the family............

me? I'd be staying at a hotel/motel during the night so I could get some sleep. I cannot sleep in a warm and/or stuffy room.

 

[House Cat]

People seem to love this thing...

https://nest.com/thermostat/life-with-nest-thermostat/

It seems like it would be a wonderful Christmas gift. I know I would like one...

 

[kenny]

VR, thanks for the heads up on the Agave nectar.
I'll take it home and use it sparingly and not buy it again.

Thanks to everyone for the understanding and the good family advice.
I don't know why but it's helpful to come here and complain bout stuff that you don't want to complain about to the family member .

Families can be a pain in the wazoo!

 

[momhappy]

Personally, as a house guest, I would just be quiet. It's not your place to tell them that their house is too hot and/or that the thermostat might not be working properly. Tough out the weekend and move on with life.

 

[Skippy123]

Can you open a window in the room you are sleeping in and then take breaks there? I guess I would suggest going out, or something.

 

[NOYFB]

I would not say anything. It's not your house and you don't want to run the risk of alienating SO's family. Keep your mouth shut, open a window and use a fan. It's temporary and you'll be home in your comfortable environment before you know it.

 

[missy]

I wanted to add that when I am a hostess and have overnight guests I very much want them to be comfortable and would be mortified if I found out they were suffering in silence. When one has guests it is only gracious and right (IMO) to try to make them as comfortable as possible within reason. Maybe they have no clue Kenny and would be upset if they found out you were suffering and not telling them so they could make it right. Something to think about.

 

[Indylady]

I wouldn't say anything, unless its a convenience that can be overcome with a small-ish gift (let's say, under $500) in which case I'd consider buying a gift that would be for them and for me. I did the same with a washing machine at my aunts house--I was staying for a while, and her machine was just awful, but for some reason no one in the house thought so. I think its because they hadn't seen/used another one in years. My clothes never felt fully clean, even after going through the machine twice.So, I replaced hers. We're also close enough that she absolutely didn't take it as a personal insult or anything like that, and everyone was happy to use the new machine.

If its just a matter of personal preference, and if I'm not close to my hosts, then I wouldn't say anything. If I knew ahead of time, though, I might try to do what I could to make the stay a little easier for myself.

 

[Gypsy]

Haven't read others' responses.

You know I'm not tactful.
My personal feeling are: if it affects health and safety I speak up. When it is with DH's family I DO ask HIM to relay the message-- so I'll point something out to him and he'll go over and tell his mom, so that it comes from him. But if he's not around, I'll say something. ONLY related to health and safety though.

Related to anything else I try to keep my trap shut. I don't always succeed. But I do try.

So in your situation with food safety; I would speak up.
With the thermostat I'd crack a window and hang out of it like a Labrador.

 

[LaraOnline]

I would definitely try and get your SO to check the thermostat. If it's not working properly you are doing them a great family favour by having it fixed and after all that's what sons are for.

 

[junebug17]

Since you've already said something and they really didn't react I don't know what else you can do. Maybe SO can say something to them about getting the thermostat looked at? Looks like you're going to have to sweat this one out. (Sorry, could not resist )

 

[dk168]

Difficult one, however, I would probably grin and bear it for a few days, or sneakily turned down the thermostat a notch or two when no one is looking.

As for the food, saying no to leftovers is an excellent idea!

I just spent one week grinning and bearing it all with my mum and bro, and thank goodness it is over for another 2 years!

DK

 

[TooPatient]

Do you have a thermometer with you?

We have a laser thermometer that we got from Harbor Freight (under $10) and it is great! I took it with me to the office when I was convinced it was freezing and building management didn't believe me. Great to point at windows, doors and other areas to check for proper insulation at home. All sorts of neat uses!

A thermometer doesn't lie. It doesn't complain. It doesn't come across the wrong way. If they are convinced the thermostat is correct and you are wrong then try using a different thermometer to see what it actually is. You could even give them a neat decorative thermometer for Christmas. (or the indoor/outdoor digital weather things)


If you've already mentioned that it is warm, then you need to drop it for now. They know how you feel but they must like the house the way it is.

Re: leftovers --
I watched at my grandparents' house on Thursday and then I watched in my own kitchen on Friday (I cook a full turkey dinner the day after). NEITHER night had food put away in less than an hour after cooking. Thursday was probably 3+ hours. Friday in my own kitchen was around 2 hours. The turkey came out of the oven, I started reducing drippings for gravy, plated food, ate and then straight into the kitchen to put stuff away -- still came out at 2+ hours.
No one in my family has ever gotten sick. No one in my father's family has ever gotten sick (and they're awful at 4-5 hours). No one in my home has ever gotten sick.
Another thing to consider is if you put HOT leftovers in the refrigerator in that kind of quantity, you'll just end up warming everything else that is already in the refrigerator. I'm not sure there is a good solution short of having multiple refrigerators and a team of people so that one is plating and another getting food put away before you even sit down to eat.

Personally, I'd just shrug my shoulders and eat the leftovers. If they are anything like my family they'll be eating leftovers for pretty much every meal through the whole weekend.