Not Invited!

[soulsis]

Well....I know I don''t post here often..but I am going MAD! My wedding is in like 5 weeks.

In our invitations when we wrote them out we would address them to the people that were invited, such as "Mr John Smith & Miss Carmen Blahblah". We got several RSVPs back from DF''s family that apparently are inviting whom THEY want to. We received this invite back with SIX additional people added to it! Then yesterday I get another one with the same thing! DF was irrate, as was I. This is putting us 11 people over our limit already. I would have been okay with it (maybe) if it wasn''t so rude in the first place. DF''s family is not contributing whatsoever to the wedding, so I don''t believe that they can just call up their friends and invite them. His mom gave an open invite to all of his cousins, aunts and uncles. I am livid! Who''s wedding is this anyways?????

 

[XChick03]

That is just unbelievable!!! I would be so upset, I can''t even imagine why they would go behind your back like that. I fear I am going to have some wedding planning troubles from my FMIL, but she better never do anything like this.

 

[SarFarSuperstar]

Oh man, I would be livid!

I would suggest you call anyone who RSVPd with extra people and explain, as calmly as possible, that you simply cannot accomodate the extra guests but would like to have the intended invitees attend. My fiance and I are going to do the same thing (very specific invitations) but apparently that doesn''t always work. Good luck with this! Stand your ground- these people are out of line.

 

[icekid]

ohhhhh I would be so mad too! People can be so ridiculously rude. Fortunately for FI and me, neither of us have large families so we should hopefully be able to invite everyone that my slightly crazy FMIL would like

 

[Kaleigh]

Man that sucks. I would be pissed too. I guess either you suck it up and have them. Or tell your FMIL that this is not allowed. Sorry but you alloted for so many and just can accomodate the extra people. The nerve of her. Geez!!!

 

[ChargerGrrl]

Oh wow- I feel for you!

This is a fear of mine. I really hope this doesn''t happen when i send invites out in July. What I''m planning to do to prevent "non-invitees" is to include a line on the RSVP card that reads something like:


____ seats have been reserved in your honor.


And then I''ll fill in the blank with the number that corresponds to each party. Or, since we''re printing our own invites, I may just go ahead and print a quantity with the numbers "one" and "two".

GOOD LUCK!

 

[FireGoddess]

I am sorry to hear about this! I feel your pain. Here''s something to make you feel better - you could have married my husband.

My husband is from another culture and it''s basically an insult to mail invites - he had to hand deliver them. I explained to him that the people''s names on the invites were the only ones who were invited. A lot of good that did. I explained that this is an AMERICAN wedding and we only invite a certain number of people, there is assigned seating, blablabla, you can''t just bring friends with you. I got 150 acceptances. OVER 200 PEOPLE SHOWED UP, because people just BROUGHT THEIR FRIENDS with them. I was LIVID. One guy actually complained he had nowhere to sit. I told him if he hadn''t brought 5 extra people with him, maybe he WOULD have a place to sit. If that wasn''t bad enough, and to show you the extent to which this went on, someone who WAS NOT INVITED called DH up on his cell phone, while we WERE IN THE LIMO going to the ceremony, asking to be PICKED UP AND BROUGHT TO THE WEDDING. Can you believe it? Calling to tell the groom to pick up someone to go to the wedding he wasn''t invited to.

I need to stop writing. I''m reliving it all over again. See, it could totally be worse!!!!!! You have 2 choices - you can try to accomodate these rude people, or let them know you can''t. Just try to breathe and remember in the long run, this is just a day. An extended family is forever. Regardless how rude, if you can accomodate them, try, even though you really just want to smack them.

 

[soulsis]

Date: 4/13/2006 12:30:05 PM
Author: FireGoddess
I am sorry to hear about this! I feel your pain. Here''s something to make you feel better - you could have married my husband.

My husband is from another culture and it''s basically an insult to mail invites - he had to hand deliver them. I explained to him that the people''s names on the invites were the only ones who were invited. A lot of good that did. I explained that this is an AMERICAN wedding and we only invite a certain number of people, there is assigned seating, blablabla, you can''t just bring friends with you. I got 150 acceptances. OVER 200 PEOPLE SHOWED UP, because people just BROUGHT THEIR FRIENDS with them. I was LIVID. One guy actually complained he had nowhere to sit. I told him if he hadn''t brought 5 extra people with him, maybe he WOULD have a place to sit. If that wasn''t bad enough, and to show you the extent to which this went on, someone who WAS NOT INVITED called DH up on his cell phone, while we WERE IN THE LIMO going to the ceremony, asking to be PICKED UP AND BROUGHT TO THE WEDDING. Can you believe it? Calling to tell the groom to pick up someone to go to the wedding he wasn''t invited to.

I need to stop writing. I''m reliving it all over again. See, it could totally be worse!!!!!! You have 2 choices - you can try to accomodate these rude people, or let them know you can''t. Just try to breathe and remember in the long run, this is just a day. An extended family is forever. Regardless how rude, if you can accomodate them, try, even though you really just want to smack them.

Well thanks FG...you made my situation look minor. I am speechless...

 

[snuga]

You have every right to be upset, that is terrible!!

I am fuming over here!

 

[klavigne]

Wow, I''d be really PO''ed!! Thats one of the main reasons me and FI turned down $20k from her parents. My FMIL is already trying to take over the planning, which is why we turned down the money in the first place.
SO FI, not be one to rock the boat, didn''t say anything. So I had to tell FMIL that it was our wedding and she can make all the suggestions in the world but at the end of the day things are going to BE DONE OUR WAY regardless of how she feels about it. If it hurts her feelings tough, all the things she''s trying to push on us hurt our feelings, and it''s our wedding and we ARE going to be happy. Anyone who doesn''t like that can jump in the river!!!
If your FMIL is anything like mine I''d stand up to her on this and just say no way, if you let her get away with these type of things now just imagine what future holiday guilt will be like.

 

[pearcrazy]

I''m always amazed at the lack of wedding etiquette by some people. I''m really sorry about the wedding crashers. Here''s a website full of etiquette faux pax. http://www.etiquettehell.com/content/eh_main/gen/eh_index.shtml

 

[ivanadiamond]

Oh Soulsis,

I feel for you! I had the same thing happen, my best advice is to have a family member or a wedding party member contact them and explain that space is limited and let them be the bad guy. Don''t do it yourself, it puts you in too much of an uncomfortable situation. This shouldn''t be for you to deal with. I had my MIL help me, a lot of people from her end wanted to bring their kids and she told them no instead of making me do it, sure a few people were ticked, but sheesh, I didn''t want kids at my wedding.

HUGS TO YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[stretch4]

Soulsis, I am soooo sorry!!! Honestly, I know exactly how you feel. As I open all my response envelopes, I am just waiting to see some ridiculous numbers. My FI and I decided not to invite children to the wedding, as we are paying for the wedding ourselves, and we can only afford so many people (plus, the reception goes to midnight, and we are not paying lots of money so people can leave hours before the reception ends!). We made sure that the inner envelopes only had the names of the people we wanted to invite, and I made sure my FI''s mother knew our intentions in case she spoke with anyone. So far, so good. But the moment someone from my FI''s side responds with more than their alloted number, I''m having my FI or his mother address the situation. Bottom line is that we simply cannot afford it, plus it would not be fair to pick and choose which children, etc. are allowed to come and which are not allowed. And, I''m not just making up this fear. My FI''s sister''s response cards did not require anyone to say how many people would be attending, and even though she did not invite any children, several families showed up with their 3+ children in tow!

And FG, how horrible!!!!!

As I read your post, I could just feel my blood pressure rising!

 

[portoar]

Now is the time to take charge of your wedding! I would urge you to phone everyone who invited extras, politely tell them that you only have x number of seats and you cannot accomodate extra guests. Be polite but firm. If you get any grief, have DF get on the line and politely but firmly back you up. I would be mad, too, which is why we had exactly 4 people at our wedding . . . our mothers and our brothers. We did not even invite any friends or other family members.

 

[icekid]

Date: 4/13/2006 12:28:09 PM
Author: ChargerGrrl
Oh wow- I feel for you!

This is a fear of mine. I really hope this doesn''t happen when i send invites out in July. What I''m planning to do to prevent ''non-invitees'' is to include a line on the RSVP card that reads something like:


____ seats have been reserved in your honor.


And then I''ll fill in the blank with the number that corresponds to each party. Or, since we''re printing our own invites, I may just go ahead and print a quantity with the numbers ''one'' and ''two''.

GOOD LUCK!

I am thinking of doing the ___ seats have been reserved too. And hopefully avoid these sort of lovely situations.

 

[jorman]

oh my gosh!

Soulsis- that is like my biggest fear coming to life! I am so sorry for you (and quite pissed for you too actually). We are having a very small BBQ with family and closest friends- about 75 people, which is only 37.5 couples- not many(the max the room can hold is 90 at the very very most). We have already cut the guest list 3 times to get it down to the smallest number we could. Even now if every single person we invite comes- we are over the limit. No stress, right?

A few months ago my grandfather died and we are at the viewing. Friends we haven''t seen in YEARS come out of the woodwork to pay their respects. Well, MY MOTHER (Lord, help her), who is not the typical kind of mother and who has had nothing to do with the planning, paying or inviting, starts telling anyone who will listen about what we are planning, and we have chosen and THEN...dun dun dun....SHE STARTS INVITING THEM TO COME!!!!!!!!!!

Hello???!!!!!?!!! She is not paying for this post elopment celebration- WE ARE. If we are over the limit they will move us to the next sized room and the price increases by $3500!!!

So, I politely pulled my mother aside and explained to her as nicely as I could the situation at hand and the extreme importance that she stop inviting people we don''t really know to the party. She was defensive, so then I had to let her know that if they moved us to the next room because she invited people.... ahem.....who weren''t invited- I would send the bill to her.

(disclaimer: none of you know my mom and as harsh as that sounds- it was necessary. The best way I can explain her is a mix between the mom on Ya Ya Sisterhood, Everybody Loves Raymond, Hope Floats and Beaches...She just needs tough love).

So enough with my story- Long story- I understand your pain. What are you going to tell your mom in law to be?

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 4/13/2006 5:37:17 PM
Author: jorman

So, I politely pulled my mother aside and explained to her as nicely as I could the situation at hand and the extreme importance that she stop inviting people we don''t really know to the party. She was defensive, so then I had to let her know that if they moved us to the next room because she invited people.... ahem.....who weren''t invited- I would send the bill to her.

Hurray for you! Well done. I would do exactly the same thing if that were my mother.

Sometimes moms get caught up in their enthusiasm, and I know some of it is well intentioned, but that still doesn''t mean they can be left to run amok. Good for you for having the maturity to speak up nicely and let her know that she couldn''t continue on that path.

 

[soulsis]

We are going to their house for Easter tomorrw. DF will bring it up in the most tactful way possible. And if that doesn''t work...we''ll try his way

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 4/13/2006 6:56:32 PM
Author: soulsis
We are going to their house for Easter tomorrw. DF will bring it up in the most tactful way possible. And if that doesn''t work...we''ll try his way

Is that bouncers at the door? Cool! Fight!!

 

[fountainfairfax]

Oh, Soulsis, do I feel for you! I think it really should fall to the parent who is related to these "extras" to call and say that they must have misunderstood, blah, blah, blah.....you should''nt have to deal with this kind of stress. Good luck and stand your ground or refuse to pay for these extras....

(I don''t have an example anywhere near as disturbing as FG, but at my sister''s wedding our trashy 22 yr old cousin brought 4 of her friends, all dressed in NASCAR shirts and hats, saying that they were her "ride to the racetrack after the wedding." Somewhere between the cocktail hour and reception cousin changed into her NASCAR gear as well for the rest of the reception..... and of course she never RSVP''d and we had to call her, and she said no guest, w/o a mention of her pit crew!

and my former MIL started inviting all her neighbors to my wedding and we had to rein her in....and then she made a big announcement after the ceremony that some people from town showed up just for the ceremony because their house had burned down the week before and they wanted to see something happy but she made sure that they left as soon as the ceremony was over, because JENN DOESN"T WANT EXTRA GUESTS

and she already knew that 4 people in her family had gotten a stomach bug and wouldn''t be able to make it- their seats were paid for. Just to make a point she sent away people suffering when there were empty seats.....)

 

[MissAva]

Wow…the stories on here are crazy.

I cannot believe that people do that. What is the point of spending a thousand dollars on invitations if everyone just ignores them? Yikes, I am really starting to understand why brides get so stressed out while they are planning their weddings.

 

[monarch64]

People can just be ridiculous sometimes, I swear. I honestly don''t know why anyone (family or otherwise) would think it would be alright with the bride and groom to just throw some extra names on an rsvp and think they''d get away with it! That takes some big you know whats.

When my husband and I got married, I can remember people at my work outright asking me if they could come to the wedding because they just wanted to see my dress, etc...fortunately, I had the excuse that the ceremony and reception were at the same location and also that we were sticking to a tight budget. We also had some acquaintances who asked if they could come to the reception in particular. One guy, who is a friend of a friend and who we also find quite obnoxious, seriously almost pleaded with my husband to just come to the reception. We felt SO bad having to tell him there just wasn''t room (we were about a month away from the wedding). However, we were concerned about who he might bring as a guest--he had attended another wedding which we attended also, and brought a girl he''d just met who, in the middle of the bride and groom''s toast, burst out with the F word smack in the middle of a hushed moment. She continued to behave like a drunken lunatic the rest of the night, and ended up catching the bouquet, much to the bride''s dismay.

Soulsis, I agree with the above who said you need to call out the relatives who thought it would be ok to increase your guest list without asking. They are probably counting on you feeling bad and relenting, but don''t!!! Recruit a friend or two for door security, if necessary, lol!! Good luck, and I hope your Easter dinner remains peaceful.

 

[atroop711]

My dh famlily tried that with our wedding. My dh and I paid for this wedding on our own (in NYC) and we paid well over $100/ head 10 yrs ago. So when my mother in law and his family started saying that they invited Moe, Larry and Curly, I told them I AM SORRY BUT NO!. His mother was like but why? I told her that because we are on a budget and if she wants to shell out $150for each of for the 25 ppl she invited then they can come. Well that took care of it. I told her that we want a small intimate wedding and with 120 guest we are at our limit.

Then my mother in law was complaining that she already invited her neighbor and this lady would be insulted so we gave in and said OK you can inviter her since she is very close to you. When this neighbor found out she couldnt'' bring her family and friends (ppl have nerve) she got all pissed off with my mother in law and insulted. She stopped speaking to her after 5 yrs of friendship.

All I can say is explain to those rude ppl who added guest and tell them you just cannot do it.

GL
Annette

 

[fire&ice]

People are funny when it comes to weddings. Uninviited people/children/friends of friends are going to come. It''s unavoidable. Sometimes they just show up. In the end, it may not be worth the fight.

I do have a story about NOT being invited; and I was a little put out. Hubby''s cousin was getting married and all we heard was "it''s really small and we aren''t inviting any of the cousins". Well, from an attendee I heard there were HUNDREDS of people invited. I was/still am put out by not being invited - WHY? - When we got married, she was invited. Not only did she show up with a date, show up with a dress & HAT to rival any bridesmaid - the kicker - in a moment when looking for our photographer, my husband with a surprised very dead pan delivery said "My cousin is sitting for a PORTRAIT" - Yep, there she was in full regalia, posing for HER portrait! Then, years later - I''m not invited to her wedding. Darm, was looking to have MY portrait taken.

My point - weddings seem to bring out the quirky in people.

 

[klavigne]

Yeah people are so crazy rude!!! I had to put my foot down and tell off the FMIL. She''s a pain in the ass and tried to pull the crying game with me. I sure am glad that my FI is nothing like her. I basically told her that the wedding was 150 people and she could invite 6 of her friends, then she invites 18 and says that she couldn''t pick which friends to invite because she didn''t want to insult any one. Well guess what, now you get to invite NO ONE!!! I could care less about any of these people, whom I''ve never met before in my life and she expects me to pay $140 each for her friends to party!!! PLEASE WOMAN, get a clue. I realize that she going to be my FMIL, but I see the games she plays and I''m not going to buy into them. Her husband even told me before the fight to stand my ground or she''d walk all over me. She is so calculating and manipulative and she gets away with stuff like this all the time with her family, maybe I earned some respect but to tell you the truth I don''t even care. It is our wedding, things WILL be done our way, and if anyone has a problem with it STAY HOME!!!
Be firm about this!! Stand up for yourself!! Tell anyone who is trying to bring extra people that it will cost $$$$ amount per person and you need a check from them to cover the expense by next Tuesday, the tune should change real fast then!!!!

 

[widget]

Author: fire&ice

I do have a story about NOT being invited; and I was a little put out. Hubby''s cousin was getting married and all we heard was ''it''s really small and we aren''t inviting any of the cousins''. Well, from an attendee I heard there were HUNDREDS of people invited. I was/still am put out by not being invited - WHY? - When we got married, she was invited. Not only did she show up with a date, show up with a dress & HAT to rival any bridesmaid - the kicker - in a moment when looking for our photographer, my husband with a surprised very dead pan delivery said ''My cousin is sitting for a PORTRAIT'' - Yep, there she was in full regalia, posing for HER portrait! Then, years later - I''m not invited to her wedding. Darm, was looking to have MY portrait taken.

My point - weddings seem to bring out the quirky in people.

LOL...F&I....what a FUNNY STORY!!!

This thread amazes me....I never realized how many social idiots there are in the world...and you''re right...weddings seem to bring them out in droves..

widget

 

[movie zombie]

Date: 4/14/2006 11:15:26 AM
Author: klavigne
Yeah people are so crazy rude!!! I had to put my foot down and tell off the FMIL. She''s a pain in the ass and tried to pull the crying game with me. I sure am glad that my FI is nothing like her. I basically told her that the wedding was 150 people and she could invite 6 of her friends, then she invites 18 and says that she couldn''t pick which friends to invite because she didn''t want to insult any one. Well guess what, now you get to invite NO ONE!!! I could care less about any of these people, whom I''ve never met before in my life and she expects me to pay $140 each for her friends to party!!! PLEASE WOMAN, get a clue. I realize that she going to be my FMIL, but I see the games she plays and I''m not going to buy into them. Her husband even told me before the fight to stand my ground or she''d walk all over me. She is so calculating and manipulative and she gets away with stuff like this all the time with her family, maybe I earned some respect but to tell you the truth I don''t even care. It is our wedding, things WILL be done our way, and if anyone has a problem with it STAY HOME!!!
Be firm about this!! Stand up for yourself!! Tell anyone who is trying to bring extra people that it will cost $$$$ amount per person and you need a check from them to cover the expense by next Tuesday, the tune should change real fast then!!!!

not only are you 100% right.....you should teach classes for brides and wedding planners!!!!!!

movie zombie

 

[moon river]

People can be so rude.

 

[sparkly_stars]

how''d it goooo!!!!?

 

[Dee*Jay]

These stories (coupled with the insane reality of my own mother!) are precisely why my happy hubby and I eloped in Las Vegas! It''s not too late Soulsis; book one of those cute chapels and make it YOUR wedding. And with all the $ you save you can even get ELVIS to marry you!