Nick names...

[Ara Ann]

Question and semi-rant.

When you meet someone for the first time, and are introduced by their first name, do you ever automatically 'shorten' it without asking which name they prefer?

Or after a while of knowing someone, do you begin to use their shorter form of a longer name?

I am asking because a certain pet peeve of mine has been steadily creeping into my life and I am not sure how to address it.

This is probably totally silly to most of you and perhaps I should brush it off, but it is irksome.


My full name is Barbara and I always introduce myself as Barbara. My husband introduces me as Barbara.

But recently, I became involved in a few local groups and even after I introduced myself as Barbara, they respond with "Barb" and then refer to me to others as "Barb." No offense to other 'Barbs' out there, but I personally can not stand being called Barb, it is not my name and that is not how I introduce myself either...

This is how my screen name evolved, I use the last part of my name, Ara, instead of the first!

I ask this because I just received some mail from some friends of ours and it is addressed to DH & Barb and am just fed up with this....seems everywhere I go, within our circle of friends and even at church, people are determined to shorten my name (even those who used to call me by my full name!) and it's like nails on a chalkboard, but I don't want to come off as being snotty by correcting them either.

I guess I would never do this to someone else, so it bothers me when others do it to me, for instance, I would never call someone named David, "Dave" without being introduced in that way, or call a Cynthia "Cindy."

Suggestions on how I can politely let people know I prefer my actual name to a shortened nick name and not come off as being overly sensitive (even though I probably am being overly sensitive! )

Do I start correcting people and tell them my name is Barbara? Or I prefer Barbara? Or just let it go and 'become' Barb.

 

[elrohwen]

I'm pretty careful about it. When I send emails to people I haven't met (at work) I start with the full name and then see how they sign the return email. It seems common at work to err on the side of the full name, because lots of people call my husband by his full name (none of his friends or family ever have though) and a female friend is called by her full name to the point where people don't know who I'm talking about when I use the shortened version (all of our friends use the shortened version).

My name cannot be shortened (my parents very specifically wanted me to have a name that couldn't be shortened, because they hate their full names) so I don't know how I'd feel about it from the other end. People have been mispronouncing my last name forever (maiden and married) and I know how annoying it can be to correct everyone, so I guess I try to avoid making people correct me about their first names.

In general though, people don't do it to be annoying - they just don't think it's a big deal. Have you tried telling them you prefer Barbara? I think most people would be glad to know which you preferred even if they didn't ask upfront.

 

[fieryred33143]

People shorten my name regularly. It doesn't bother me, I actually like it.

Like El (teehee), I try to be careful of how I address people until they tell me otherwise. ETA: I don't think it's rude if you correct someone. It's your name and your choice on what to be called! It may be a little awkward when you do but they'll move on.

 

[elrohwen]

People shorten my name regularly. It doesn't bother me, I actually like it.

Like El (teehee), I try to be careful of how I address people until they tell me otherwise. ETA: I don't think it's rude if you correct someone. It's your name and your choice on what to be called! It may be a little awkward when you do but they'll move on.

Hey, did I tell you that you could use the shortened version?

 

[Ara Ann]

Thanks ladies.

Yes, a new co-worker (I work remotely, from home) has been calling me Barb too, even though I sign every e-mail with Barbara. She has a shortened name herself, Patty, from Patricia, so probably assumes I like my shortened name too. This was another recent instance that added to the name dilemma.

It's just weird, that it is happening more and more, from all over! I have NEVER had so many people from all different groups just disregard my introduction and call me Barb! Not sure why it's happening all at the same time.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

This is probably totally silly to most of you and perhaps I should brush it off, but it is irksome.
.

I don't think it's silly that this bothers you. Our names are our identities and having your name changed (which is basically what those people are doing) is a bit presumptious of people to do. Not sure how you handle it though. After you correct them, it may be awkward for a second, so be prepared to have a quick change of subject handy Good luck.

 

[Haven]

This must be so frustrating!

If I was in the same situation, I'd just say "I go by Barbara" with a smile whenever someone called me Barb.

The only names I shorten without permission are people's screennames here on PS. Otherwise, I never call anyone anything other than what they TELL me to call them.

I've had several students over the years who, like you, prefer their full name. One current student has an unusual foreign name and she hates it when people shorten it. She's corrected people in class several times, and nobody has ever taken offense to it. I've met several students over the years who make it clear that they prefer their full name--it's your right to do so!

ETA:

I can actually relate in a somewhat roundabout way--I really hate it when strangers email me and use my first name in the greeting. I always address people by their title and last name until I get the go-ahead from them to use the first name.

 

[junebug17]

Ara, I understand why it bothers you, I think I would feel the same way. My husband's boss has run into this, and my husband says he just very politely says "I prefer to be called..." My husband says it wasn't a big deal at all. I would just politely inform people you'd rather be referred to as Barbara. They won't know unless you tell them!

I'm always careful about what I call a person, I want to be sure I'm addressing a person by the correct name. I just think it's important, and common courtesy.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Just wanted to add to my post that you may find that those who've called you Barb for a while may not remember to call you Barbara at first. lol! There are a couple people I know who decided to change their names (shorten) and only half the friends use the new variation of the name. Talk about confusing for everyone.

 

[Kaleigh]

I would just ask them nicely to call you Barbara... That Barb isn't a name you care for...

One of my BF's is Patricia, no way would I call her Pat.

Another is Cheryl , wouldn't think of calling her Cher..

Joanne asked me to call her Jo.. Not everyone does, but her closest friends do...

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Haven - is there a rule re: teachers' names and what parents call them? I'm always unsure when I email a teacher if I should put "Mrs. Last Name" or can just write first name. Some of the teachers send notifications using their first names and others say the Mrs. Last Name" version. This would be for elementary school. Also what about the principal? Some (teachers included) call him by his first name and others call him Mr.

 

[Ara Ann]

Thanks again ladies...

I think it is less awkward for me to correct new people I am just meeting than it is for people with whom I have been acquainted for a while, like people at church, who had always called me Barbara before, but now call me Barb. It's like, why suddenly did they change my name? And now I have to correct them? Just strange. But I think the more that people call me Barb, the more others will too. I want to stop it if I can.

 

[Haven]

Haven - is there a rule re: teachers' names and what parents call them? I'm always unsure when I email a teacher if I should put "Mrs. Last Name" or can just write first name. Some of the teachers send notifications using their first names and others say the Mrs. Last Name" version. This would be for elementary school. Also what about the principal? Some (teachers included) call him by his first name and others call him Mr.

I don't know if there's a rule, but I just always call people by their title and surname until they indicate that I should do otherwise. When I taught high school most parents called me "Mrs. Haven" when we first met, either in person or via email. I would never address anyone by their first name (in that type of situation) until they told me to do so. I always called parents "Mr. Soandso" when I first contacted them, too, of course.

We had a new principal at my last school and he started emailing me in the summer, and all of his emails were addressed to "Lori". I found this to be so disrespectful. My school had a culture of calling everyone by their titles and surnames, too, so it felt especially out of place.

I teach adults now and I call them "Mr. Surname" until they tell me to use their first names. I think it's just common courtesy.

Of course, when we're out with friends and meeting new people it's all first names. I'm talking about the workplace or other non-social interactions.

 

[Haven]

Thanks again ladies...

I think it is less awkward for me to correct new people I am just meeting than it is for people with whom I have been acquainted for a while, like people at church, who had always called me Barbara before, but now call me Barb. It's like, why suddenly did they change my name? And now I have to correct them? Just strange. But I think the more that people call me Barb, the more others will too. I want to stop it if I can.

Yes! You must intervene!

I bet once you tell a few people and they start calling you Barbara again it will spread to the rest of the group.

We have a particular family friend whose name is Arthur, and he goes by Arthur. He's a lawyer, and over the years I've run into people who know him through work. I can always tell when they don't *really* know him because they'll say "Oh, Art! Great guy." It's so weird to hear someone call him Art, because that's not his name!

 

[elrohwen]

Haven, I wonder if that is a culture primarily in schools? Would you do the same in another business environment?

I've worked for three different companies and I can say people would look at me very strangely if I used Mr Surname in the first email I sent them. It's definitely not the culture here, but it seems totally natural in schools (if I had a kid I would call a teacher Mr So-and-so)

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Haven - is there a rule re: teachers' names and what parents call them? I'm always unsure when I email a teacher if I should put "Mrs. Last Name" or can just write first name. Some of the teachers send notifications using their first names and others say the Mrs. Last Name" version. This would be for elementary school. Also what about the principal? Some (teachers included) call him by his first name and others call him Mr.

I don't know if there's a rule, but I just always call people by their title and surname until they indicate that I should do otherwise. When I taught high school most parents called me "Mrs. Haven" when we first met, either in person or via email. I would never address anyone by their first name (in that type of situation) until they told me to do so. I always called parents "Mr. Soandso" when I first contacted them, too, of course.

We had a new principal at my last school and he started emailing me in the summer, and all of his emails were addressed to "Lori". I found this to be so disrespectful. My school had a culture of calling everyone by their titles and surnames, too, so it felt especially out of place.

I teach adults now and I call them "Mr. Surname" until they tell me to use their first names. I think it's just common courtesy.

Of course, when we're out with friends and meeting new people it's all first names. I'm talking about the workplace or other non-social interactions.

Thanks, Haven. I'll be sure to use the Mrs./Mr. title for now on. I was all over the board calling some by first and some by last. Also, some of the teachers don't use my name at all...instead they will call me R's mom...What is going on there? Do they not know my name? lol! Then some kids call me Mrs. MC and others call me by my first name. If only all these rules would be sent home in the school handbook every year

 

[Haven]

Haven, I wonder if that is a culture primarily in schools? Would you do the same in another business environment?

I've worked for three different companies and I can say people would look at me very strangely if I used Mr Surname in the first email I sent them. It's definitely not the culture here, but I can see how it would be in schools (if I had a kid I would call a teacher Mr So-and-so)

I think the culture usually guides these norms. The year I spent working in the business world between undergrad and grad school I always used "Mr. Soandso" in my first interaction with strangers. I can't imagine emailing someone I don't know and addressing them by their first name! From what I can remember, as that was nearly a decade ago, people used my surname, too. But who knows--maybe it was because I used theirs first.

I'm not keen on being overly familiar with strangers in general, though, so I'm probably a bad example. In my current school I'm on a first name basis with most of my colleagues, but I still started out by addressing them using their titles and surnames. On the other hand, when I taught high school we used titles and surnames all the time. I'm still very close with three people from that time, and we STILL call each other Mr. and Mrs. Soandso. It's a habit, now! (We use first names, as well, but it's funny.)

ETA:

MC--That is WEIRD that some teachers call you R's mom! Haha, I can't even imagine that.

I don't know. I always err on the side of politeness, so using titles and surnames is what I do. It's becoming a very informal world, though, so maybe I'll soon be outmoded.

 

[elrohwen]

Thanks for responding! I was just curious I think we could all use more politeness!

And I got to thinking about what would happen if everyone at my company did the same thing ... I would probably go batty because they would be pronouncing my last name wrong. At least my first is easy. haha

 

[Ara Ann]

Thanks for responding! I was just curious I think we could all use more politeness!

.....

I think this is what irks me about the name issue...I think our society as a whole has become so informal that being polite has gone by the wayside. Addressing someone as they are introduced is just as simple as being polite in my book.


It helped to talk this through and I will politely and confidently correct any future 'Barb' callers I encounter! Maybe I'll start introdcing myself as 'Ara' instead, so I can explain the back story too!

 

[somethingshiny]

I always use the name the person uses when introducing themselves.

Even my baby sister likes to use her full name so I learned to use it too. For many years she went by the nickname but she prefers the more mature full name and I respect that.

I always introduce myself by my full name and I wonder why people shorten it too. It doesn't particularly bother me, but I always notice it.

My best friend gets downright p!ssed if anyone shortens her name and will immediately correct them. I can respect that. If you're comfortable correcting the offender, I don't see a problem with it.

 

[Munchkin]

Drives.Me.Crazy.

Seriously. My name is Elizabeth. I love my name. I have never gone by Liz. I have a number of family nicknames, but I have never gone by Liz. It simply isn't me. My husband and I both use the name Elizabeth when I'm introduced, yet people routinely shorten it to Liz. To me it seems presumptuous to assume familiarity enough with a new person to shorten their name. I wouldn't do it.

It especially drives me crazy in the workplace, and I've struggled over the years with finding the most appropriate way to make my name clear while not offending others. Even a polite, smiling, "oh, please, call me Elizabeth" has occasionally been met with irritation. Yet, at the same time, a piece of me feels like "why the heck do I feel awkward/rude asking to be called the name I just introduced myself as!?" I think I'm even more surprised that it occurs so frequently in the workplace, given that I always try to treat new people with as much professionalism, formality and courtesy as possible.

So, I totally get when you are coming from and no, I don't do it.

 

[packrat]

I'm not a fan of nicknames unless that's how the person likes to be addressed. Tho, I do shorten names of people at times, when I know them. Like at work, sometimes I'll call Tammy, Tam, and Teri, Ter. If they didn't like it, I wouldn't call them that.

Teachers..at school they call me Missi, and I call them by their first names since that's how they refer to themselves in email and on the phone w/me. Unless London is around, then it's Mrs whatever, and always the principal is Mrs Principal whether London is there or not. I still call my school teachers Mrs/Mr. Whatever, even tho several of them when I see them have said I'm not in school anymore, it's ok..I can't do it. I notice my brother can't do it either.

My mom has some relative named Curtis. Not Curt. He's quite a bit younger and mom said "Hi Curt" once to him years ago and his mom went ballistic. "HIS NAME ISN'T CURT IT'S CURTIS!" (bellering, at a wedding no less) So..he became It's Curtis that day, and that's still how she refers to him.

I'd say if you don't like it, identify yourself as Barbara every time, sign emails that way, on the phone "this is Barbara", and hopefully they'll catch on. Otherwise, a big smile and "I go by Barbara" will let them know!

 

[pennquaker09]

I don't like it. I don't necessarily find it rude, however.

My first name is McKinnley, but I use my middle name, Trevor. My family and a few of our close friends call me Trey or Trev. I will usually let those slide, but I don't like it when people I don't know call me Kenny. I can't help but correct them when they do. I much prefer Trevor.

 

[zoebartlett]

I wait and see if the person tells me that he/she prefers to be called by a nickname, otherwise I use the full name. Sometimes I ask that person which name she/he prefers if I've heard both. My mom has a very common nickname, and even that can be shortened. She hates when people call her by the even shorter name.

I have a nickname and it doesn't bother me when people call me by that name or my given name. I just wouldn't do it to someone else because some people have a strong preference.

 

[luv2sparkle]

Sometimes it bothers me if people shorten my name, sometimes not. I guess it kind of matters how it sounds when they say it.
Have you ever known someone who puts a strange inflection to names or words that grates on your nerves?

I don't routinely shorten names, but my son has a girlfriend names Gillian and for some reason all of us in the family want to
shorten it when we talk to her. She doesn't like it, so we never do it. But I want to really bad. I don't know why. Maybe because it
seems so formal and we want to make it seem more less formal. I don't know but we never to it. I wouldn't want to offend
her or hurt her feelings.

I think everyone has a right to be called what they want to, and I wouldn't feel bad about saying that to people.

 

[zoebartlett]

Haven - is there a rule re: teachers' names and what parents call them? I'm always unsure when I email a teacher if I should put "Mrs. Last Name" or can just write first name. Some of the teachers send notifications using their first names and others say the Mrs. Last Name" version. This would be for elementary school. Also what about the principal? Some (teachers included) call him by his first name and others call him Mr.

Obviously I'm not Haven, but I'll post my preference, if you don't mind, MC.

I actually prefer that my students' parents call me by my first name, and I prefer to call them by theirs too. Calling someone Mr. or Mrs. is too formal for me.

I can't imagine calling my principal or superintendent Mr. or Mrs. X. I'm always on a first name basis with my bosses.

 

[zoebartlett]

Teachers..at school they call me Missi, and I call them by their first names since that's how they refer to themselves in email and on the phone w/me. Unless London is around, then it's Mrs whatever, and always the principal is Mrs Principal whether London is there or not. I still call my school teachers Mrs/Mr. Whatever, even tho several of them when I see them have said I'm not in school anymore, it's ok..I can't do it. I notice my brother can't do it either.

Packrat (It feels funny calling you that now that I know your real name ) -- I teach in the same school district that I attended when I was growing up. Many of the teachers that I've had or knew back then are still teaching there, and a few are administrators now. It's SO hard calling them by their first name, even though I've been working in my district for quite a few years.

 

[merilenda]

I definitely understand how you feel. My name is Julia, and people have been calling me Julie my entire life. I don't understand why they see it and immediately assume that I go by that. Occasionally people that I don't know very well will take it upon themselves to call me Jules. This also bothers me. A couple of very close friends call me Jules, and I'm completely fine with it. But it just feels weird when others do it - like it's too intimate. For the most part, I always go by Julia, and I don't like it when people take it upon themselves to shorten it!

 

[doodle]

My first name is Magdalen, but I go by Maggi. I have people call me Mag or Mags all the time, and I HATE IT. I've responded with everything from "I prefer Maggi" to "Who's Mags?" to get my point across, and my responses vary depending on who the person is. Where I live, the name shortening thing is common and is usually a sign of familiarity or affection, so I try to handle it carefully as I don't want to offend someone for doing something that is meant kindly, you know? As much as I hate Mag and Mags though, I do routinely let my DH's best friend get away with it. He's a really nice guy, and I know he means it as a way of showing that he likes me, so I just don't have the heart to undercut that when I know that for him, it'd be almost like rejecting a hug, haha! Someone I just met doing it though, I'll set 'em straight quickly. The introduction thing can be tricky though. I have a friend, Vincent, who was introduced to me by a friend years ago as Vince, and I called him that for years before he finally told me that he despised being called Vince. I honestly never knew because that's how I was introduced to him, and I've since made every effort to correct it. We even joke about it now, and I'll spell his name "Vince....nt" sometimes because I went through a long phase where the "-nt" was an afterthought.

 

[Ara Ann]

Wow, glad I am not the only one with name sensitivity issues!

Kind of reminds me of "Anne of Green Gables" - how Anne insists her name is spelled, "Anne, with an 'e'."

So far so good...no more 'Barbs' yet! Except for the e-mailing co-worker and I am not going to take issue with her, since it's only in e-mail...but I will have more confidence about addressing this now...even if it falls on deaf ears, I can try anyway!