Need perspective, friend''s wedding

[Waited2Long]

Hey folks, just wanted to bounce something off everyone here. I''m going to a wedding soon and the dress code is "formal". After my fiancee spent $170 on a dress today and seeing that a tux rental is going to run about that, I''m starting to wonder if we''re all being a little crazy here. I''ve never been to a formal wedding. Is this a common thing in some regions of the US? At first glance it seems a bit presumptuous to me, but maybe I just need to get out more. We''ve never spent that much on wedding gifts when we''ve gone to weddings in the past. Thoughts? TIA

 

[fire&ice]

I think you should invest in a nice traditional tux. Hubby bought his at Brooks Brothers for about $500.00. More and more to do''s these days are Black Tie. It''s really nice to own your own & I think you will be surprised at how much use you will get out of it.

Another option - good to the Jr. League bargin box or the Good Will. My dad bought a very nice wool tux at the Good Will for about $35.00!

And for your to be, get a nice slinky black skirt & several dressy tops or scarf - it can go a REAL long way!

 

[SquareCut]

You can buya designer one at SYMS for less than that price.

 

[FireGoddess]

DH''s tux rental for our wedding ran $75...maybe you should comparison shop for your rental. I do understand your sentiment though...in our situation, us getting married has been the only time we''ve needed one...but maybe we don''t know the right (or wrong) people.

 

[rainbowtrout]

consignment shop + tailor has been FI''s route to nice suits..

 

[pearcrazy]

Do you have an S & K Menswear store anywhere near you? We rented DH a tux last Christmas for around $50. Simple black tux with plain white shirt and black tie. He already had some nice black dress shoes to wear. He looked fabulous.

 

[Blenheim]

Date: 5/21/2006 10:24:35 AM
Author: fire&ice
I think you should invest in a nice traditional tux. Hubby bought his at Brooks Brothers for about $500.00. More and more to do''s these days are Black Tie. It''s really nice to own your own & I think you will be surprised at how much use you will get out of it.

Ditto. Maybe we just run with the right (or wrong) people, but my fiance and I go to about four black tie events a year. He, my dad, my brother, and my future father-in-law all own their own tuxes, and they''ve gotten plenty of use out of them.

Since you''re engaged, have you thought about what you''re wearing to your own wedding? That''s another time that you might want to wear a tux.

And there are random occasions that are just more special if you wear a tux. My sixteenth birthday party was a dinner party for my friends at my parents'' house. My dad wore his tux and acted as a host and waiter. So cute!

 

[Sparkster]

My understanding of ''formal'' is that men wear a suit and tie. A suit is where the jacket and pants are the same, not a jacket thrown with any pair of pants.

''Black tie'' events are when you wear a dinner suit/tux - ie, bow tie.

 

[JulieN]

Suit and tie is semi-formal. Formal is preferable to black/white tie (since that's rather sex specific.)

I don't think it's presumptuous to request guests to wear formal attire. You abide by a certain dress code at work, at the beach...

 

[Gypsy]

I don't think that's accurate Julie.

Black Tie is black tie. That's why it's called that. Formal means suits-- dark ones (black, charcoal... not navy, though) for men and long dress lengths for women. ( Semi formal is lighter colored suits and very nice sport coats/ slacks for men, tea length or above the knee for ladies.) The difference between black tie and formal for women is practically non-existent (more jewelry lol) today, but for men there is a definite option to wear a nice dark suit (and an evening tie) with a 'formal' attire event. You don't need a tux... although I would recommend SYMS as well (that's where my fiance got his designer one at a twice a year clearance for fifty bucks--plus 150 in tailoring at our local tailor) if there is one near you should you decide to go that route.

But if there is doubt... feel free to call a wedding attendant. Usually the Maid or Matron of Honor is a good person to call... if you don't know them... the the groom or (if you are very brave) the bride to clarify.


As for thoughts. Well, honestly... it's their event. You can choose to attend or send your regrets. While I do feel that 'black tie' is an onorous expectation (though it hasn't stopped us from attending a couple of these), I think that formal dress is to be expected. It's a solemn occassion and a celebration. While it may not be your preference for how you choose to celebrate your day-- that is your choice. But this is theirs... and no, it's not presumputous at all. If they didn't tell people how to dress you'd get a bunch of panicked women calling the bride wondering what the heck to wear... and a bunch of other people showing up in khakis, a button shirt and a tie to a 5 star hotel because they don't know better. The pictures would be horrifying, the hotel staff would be horrified, and the bride would be in tears.

 

[diamondfan]

I think formal is dressy and a nice dark suit works well. Black tie is pretty straight-forward, a tux. I am not a guy but I think that is pretty cut and dried. For women, dressy/cocktail/black tie almost seems to be interchangeable...some people wear long gowns for black tie and some wear dressy cocktail dresses...but I think for formal, you cannot go wrong with a dark suit...

 

[eks6426]

Black tie is indeed a tux. That being said, I think it''s incredibly arrogant of a bride & groom to require black tie for their wedding. I understand "formal" meaning dark suit (which most men will have in their closet) to keep the khaki crowd dressed up, but to it''s ludicrous to require guests to have to rent attire. If you don''t want to rent a tux, I''d definitely call the MOH or the groom and see if a dark suit will work.

 

[pebbles]

I used to work at a tuxedo store in college, and "formal" means suit and tie for men. "Black tie" means tuxes and usually long dresses for women. If the invitation says formal it looks like you can get away with wearing a suit.

 

[fire&ice]

I don''t know about other parts of the states - but - formal is *assumed* in ANY wedding after 7:00 - and "tails" for the groomsman. Formal attire includes a suit for men.

It doesn''t sound like they are requiring tuxes. I don''t think it is presumptous in the least to require a certain dress code. We attend at least 6 black tie events a year. The effort is a good deal of the fun. Maybe it''s a Southern thing.

 

[marvel]

Date: 5/22/2006 9:34:28 AM
Author: pebbles
I used to work at a tuxedo store in college, and 'formal' means suit and tie for men. 'Black tie' means tuxes and usually long dresses for women. If the invitation says formal it looks like you can get away with wearing a suit.

What pebbles said

I live in California and would terpret formal the same way

black tie=tux
formal=suit

Women can get away with anything because we always look hot

 

[Blenheim]

My etiquette book says that a "formal" event in the evening indicates black tie or white tie, a formal event in the morning indicates the morning equivalent (I would assume a morning coat), and that "semiformal" indicates a suit. My experience, in Virginia, pretty much agrees.

That being said, I don''t think that the bride and groom would wig out if you wore a tasteful dark suit. Since it seems to vary by part of country, it would probably be a good idea to call someone in the wedding party and ask.

 

[JulieN]

Date: 5/22/2006 12:40:41 PM
Author: Blenheim
My etiquette book says that a ''formal'' event in the evening indicates black tie or white tie, a formal event in the morning indicates the morning equivalent (I would assume a morning coat), and that ''semiformal'' indicates a suit. My experience, in Virginia, pretty much agrees.

That being said, I don''t think that the bride and groom would wig out if you wore a tasteful dark suit. Since it seems to vary by part of country, it would probably be a good idea to call someone in the wedding party and ask.

ditto.

 

[Waited2Long]

Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond. I apologize for the confusion of the wording. I honestly don't recall what terms the invitation used, but we did clarify with the groom then that men are indeed expected to wear a tuxedo. I wrote "formal" because I thought it meant the same thing; the invitation may or may not have said black tie.
I appreciate the responses. Perhaps I should have asked a more direct question: What % of weddings have you been to where all male guests were expected to wear tuxedos? I'm glad to see that some had the same reaction I did. I'm in my thirties and have been to my share of weddings, but I doubt I've even seen a tuxedo since my high school prom. More importantly though, I'm also glad some of you don't see anything wrong with it.
This may be some evidence: When I rented the tux on Sunday I said I needed a tux for a friend's wedding. The salesperson asked what wedding party I was in so they could look it up. I said I wasn't in the wedding party. They seemed fairly confused and didn't understand why I needed a tuxedo. When placing the order in the computer system, the only way for them to do it was to make up a fake wedding event for the computer to accept the order.

 

[Sparkster]

Whether it''s a tux/or non tux event, you guys have got it easy. You can buy a tux for a few hundred dollars and wear the same one over and over again. Us women couldn''t possibly wear the same dress twice (or at least that''s our excuse for buying a new dress everytime!)

 

[Gemklctr]

Date: 5/22/2006 12:40:41 PM
Author: Blenheim
My etiquette book says that a ''formal'' event in the evening indicates black tie or white tie, a formal event in the morning indicates the morning equivalent (I would assume a morning coat), and that ''semiformal'' indicates a suit. My experience, in Virginia, pretty much agrees.

That being said, I don''t think that the bride and groom would wig out if you wore a tasteful dark suit. Since it seems to vary by part of country, it would probably be a good idea to call someone in the wedding party and ask.

In fact, I''m told that here in Virginia/DC area in certain quarters you should assume that any wedding after 5/6pm is formal/tux, even if the invitation doesn''t say so. In my experience, formal means tux, not a suit, but I agree that you''re unlikely to be thrown out for a nice dark suit. I recommend Jos. A. Banks for a good $150 tux during their annual sale.

 

[teebee]

Date: 5/22/2006 6:50:30 PM
Author: Waited2Long
Perhaps I should have asked a more direct question: What % of weddings have you been to where all male guests were expected to wear tuxedos?

0% - Perhaps a lot of this has a lot to do with what area of the country you are in. I''m in my thirties as well as is my fiance and neither of us has attended or been invited to a wedding where tuxes were the required attire of male guests. And we''re not total bumpkins or anything - it''s just not "done" here. I just think that all of the rules for attire are significantly more fluid and relaxed here than elsewhere. There may be a couple of events during the year when I see men in tuxes - but generally those are the individuals being honored at the event or the individuals hosting the event, while the vast majority of gentlemen are in dark suits.

 

[Sparkster]

Perhaps I should have asked a more direct question: What % of weddings have you been to where all male guests were expected to wear tuxedos? I''m glad to see that some had the same reaction I did. I''m in my thirties and have been to my share of weddings, but I doubt I''ve even seen a tuxedo since my high school prom. More importantly though, I''m also glad some of you don''t see anything wrong with it.

I''ve never been to a wedding where the guests wore black tie. The only ones who were in black tie were the wedding party.

If the bride and groom would like guests to attend black tie attire, then I don''t see it as a problem - it''s their prerogative. No different to attending a halloween party, fancy dress party, black and white party (guests wearing black/white only) and so on. It is much easier for us girls though as many of us already own evening wear but not as many men do.

I love the look of men in dinner suits (black suit, bow tie with that stiff collar) but have never liked the morning suit look (vest, tails, long tie, top hat).

 

[pebbles]

Date: 5/22/2006 6:50:30 PM
Author: Waited2Long
Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond. I apologize for the confusion of the wording. I honestly don''t recall what terms the invitation used, but we did clarify with the groom then that men are indeed expected to wear a tuxedo. I wrote ''formal'' because I thought it meant the same thing; the invitation may or may not have said black tie.
I appreciate the responses. Perhaps I should have asked a more direct question: What % of weddings have you been to where all male guests were expected to wear tuxedos? I''m glad to see that some had the same reaction I did. I''m in my thirties and have been to my share of weddings, but I doubt I''ve even seen a tuxedo since my high school prom. More importantly though, I''m also glad some of you don''t see anything wrong with it.
This may be some evidence: When I rented the tux on Sunday I said I needed a tux for a friend''s wedding. The salesperson asked what wedding party I was in so they could look it up. I said I wasn''t in the wedding party. They seemed fairly confused and didn''t understand why I needed a tuxedo. When placing the order in the computer system, the only way for them to do it was to make up a fake wedding event for the computer to accept the order.

When I worked at the tuxedo store we had to enter orders the same way. It''s done that way so that all the tuxes for a particular wedding came in together at the same time, as we had several warehouses that the tuxes came from. It''s also done that way because sometimes the coat was taken from one warehouse and the pants another depending on the size you needed.

I personally have never been to a wedding where the men other than those in the bridal party had to wear tuxes....and we''ve been to some pretty hoity-toity weddings. One of my girlfriends wanted to have a black tie wedding but we talked her out of it.

You sound like you are around the same age as me (early 30''s) and I only know of a couple of friends that went to black tie weddings.

I have to admit though, something about a man in a tux....

And I also have to say, that NO ONE looks nice in those morning suits! Ugh! I tried to talk every bride that wanted to have them out of it!

 

[curlygirl]

Date: 5/22/2006 6:50:30 PM
Author: Waited2Long
Perhaps I should have asked a more direct question: What % of weddings have you been to where all male guests were expected to wear tuxedos?

I would say about 50% of the weddings I''ve gone to have been black tie (that''s what we call it in NY)--including my own! I really wanted a very formal event and so I specified "black tie" so nobody would misunderstand. I agree with Sparkster that men have it sooo much easier than women--that tux can be worn over and over again but we have to have a new dress for every occasion. Not that that''s a bad thing...

 

[klavigne]

In the NYC area there are almost no weddings that require a tux. Around this area weddings are in excess of $30,000 for a run of the mill wedding. I''m in my early 30''s as well and have been to quite a few extravagant weddings, $50,000+, and there were no tuxes except on the wedding party. It never hurts to ask though, Hope this helps.

 

[soulsis]

Poor guy. In my opinion I wouldn''t go. Not even think about it. But that''s just me. I own one dress and it is my wedding dress. I think that this kind of imposition is kind of rude. It''s like telling people that you only accept gifts from Tiffanys!

I stood up for my BF last year. I had to purchase a dress $200, a gift $70 and they asked me to bring meat platters $200 and I never saw them after that day. They moved away. Hahahaah. That doesn''t include all the money I forked over for the stag (renting a limo too). I will never be a part of anyone''s wedding again. i am still choked that I have to pay $400 for my sister''s wedding (I am a BM) and my daughter is a FG ($200 dress). Obviously some people do not look at the expenses that others take on for each other.