Post by NeedSomeAdvice » October 30th, 2008, 10:51 pm
Hi everyone,

Ok I''m a total dummy and I posted this under my regular account even though I wanted to remain anonymous. It doesn''t really matter if you guys know my actual identity - I just didn''t want BF stumbling across this since he definitely knows about PS. I''ve messaged the admins to remove my post under my actual screen name.

So BF and I had a fight tonight, that left me wondering how to get past this frustration, and wondering if I''m the one at fault, and really need to readjust my perspective. Please be honest and candid, because I AM asking for advice, but I DO ask that the responses be polite and respectful.

So here''s the background leading up to tonight:

BF likes to drink and I don''t (meaning I like have a glass of wine or two, or a cocktail, but my stomach doesn''t like alcohol, and I hate the aftereffects of being drunk, i.e. being sick, whereas he does like to get drunk). For the last year, he hasn''t been able to because of health issues (alcohol affected medications he was on) but over the last few months, a new med has made things MUCH better, and I am so thankful for that. The one bad effect is that alcohol doesn''t seem to affect the efficacy of the medicine (knock on wood) which means he''s gone back to drinking. In his defense, he is not a bad drunk - he isn''t abusive, or even close to it. He doesn''t go around getting into fights or smashing things up, or becoming depressed or anything. But he DOES become a little more insensitive - kind of the "hearing but not listening" and he can get a bit confrontational and aggressive. We have arguments about my relationship to my mom and how she is too controlling and guilt trips me, when he drinks, because the way he brings it up is very critical. So the lead up from this is that not too long ago, we had a discussion/BIG BIG fight, in which he pretty much gave me an ultimatum: he''s not going to stop drinking. Without giving too much away, both of us are going into very high-stress jobs soon - and he definitely doesn''t want to give that up in those conditions. I can''t understand why he can''t just have one drink - he can''t understand why I have such a problem with it when he''s not acting like a total jerk, etc. What happened is that I gave in, because I mean, a LOT of people our age drink, and many drink more heavily. BF drinks maybe once or twice a week, although he does drink more on the heavy end when he does. His concession was that he would try very hard not to be a jerk when he drank. So this led to tonight.

Tonight, we''re drinking - me just a couple glasses of wine - him a lot more. Things are going well, but ok, I admit it, I''m a total control freak. Part of it is growing up with my mom, who is an amazing, strong woman, but has also been very controlling - and unfortunately I picked up the same traits. So here is the stupid reason for tonight''s argument, and why a lot of you will (rightly) tell me that I am at fault. My rule is, fine, drink, I will do my darnedest to not be a brat, to accept it as long as you''re being nice, to not give you crap. In return, if you''re going to pass out in bed (the bed we share since we live together), I want you to brush your teeth. Yes, it is SO stupid, but it''s my one thing - the little thing that I want. And he rarely ever does when he drinks. And then I get mad, because it''s one thing, and he gets mad because it is really dumb and trivial. So we fight. And we did tonight. And it got into other stuff - like how his competitive drive drives me crazy sometimes. Amazingly, he''s not competitive about big stuff - he''s amazingly chill about that, but little things, like him not letting me have the remote when football is one, or canceling one of my shows recording on the DVR because sports is on, stuff like that. And I feel like I concede a lot, because it''s a lot easier than dealing with the hassle. But sometimes, I just don''t want to, and tonight, it was so much a case of "well, I conceded my entire position on the drinking issue! A huge issue, that really concerns me, that I really care about, so why can''t you do this one thing?" and it comes down to the "well, why are you being so controlling, and it always has to be your way?" counterargument.

Not to mention that I''ve been feeling frustrated because I feel like he''s taking me for granted. Like, he was sick a couple weeks ago. I nursed him, brought him food, made him tea, brought him cold medicine every few hours, cleaned up, etc. I got sick right after - and he said he was sorry, then kind of nothing. I still cleaned up, still made food, he didn''t show sympathy, and I''m a total neat freak. And he''s not. And it happens that he doesn''t do little chores right away and I end up doing them, making me more resentful. And I don''t want to feel this way, because I love him, I have an amazing man that I want to spend the rest of my life with, and I feel really ungrateful. But I can''t help still feeling frustrated. So what do I do?

I am so sorry for this being so long. I don''t turn to my old home friends because they don''t know him that well - we''re in different cities and lives, and it''s hard to talk about this. My close friends here are also good friends with BF - and I don''t want to prejudice any of them against him through my side of the account. I am talking to a good friend about all this too, but I really just need some sympathy, but also a wake-up call, because I''m worried that I''m being totally unreasonable, that I have him on too tight a leash, and worried that I''ll drive him away.

Please help, and thank you all so much.