Written by VapidLapid:I really agree with Monarch64. I just want to add that you do not know the details of their marriage, or any arrangements or agreements on things that they may have come to, yet they keep it looking normal because they both want to give the kids a normal childhood. If you really think your hand has to stir their pot then keep all your records of his activites for her IF she divorces him.
Written by ame » March 6th, 2012, 3:22 pm:If he's using company funds for personal things, that opens you AND him up to serious issues with taxes, audits, etc. I would simply tell him "I don't know what's going on, but there have been a lot of purchases not related to the business that I think you need to be aware of and reimburse so you don't get audited." One of my former partners was using our company to finance his wife's lavish shopping and buy stuff for his girlfriendS plural, and he got NAILED in the audit. One by one you could hear the auditor yell out "Tiffany and Company, is NOT A BUSINESS EXPENSE. Plastic Surgeon NOT A BUSINESS EXPENSE" and so on for like an hour. He had to pay it all back to the company, we had to pay for his indiscretions, and the IRS froze all of his personal assets to make sure there was no more fraudulent spending using company funds for personal use. All of our credit was frozen, and we had to pay a fortune to those companies that decide how good your business credit is. Our AMEX's all got frozen and we couldn't pay our vendors til it was settled. Our accountant was aware of all of it, and ended up being audited herself, AFTER he fired her for not "concealing it" more. It was not worth it.
Written by Amber St. Clare » March 7th, 2012, 1:31 pm:You really don't know for certain and you are assuming that because YOU YOURSELF would have wanted to be told about the infidelity this wife needs to be.It's not your business. She in all probability knows, but chooses to look the other way for whatever reason. You have judged their relationship based on what you would have wanted. You couldn't live with that kind of relationship. Fine. It's not up to you, their employee, to "spill the beans". She may be perfectly fine with it.I sincerely hope you find a new employer soon. It must be awful working under those circumstances.
Written by JewelFreak » March 7th, 2012, 7:08 pm: -- the answer is almost always not to say anything. HE creates the problem & it isn't any of your business, friends or not with his wife. She will eventually figure it out if she doesn't already know. Definitely don't say anything while you still work there!You can't change other people's behavior -- in this case, painful as it may be for you, the best action would be to get out of the way. Good luck -- and assume NO GUILT -- you haven't done a thing wrong!-- Laurie
Written by Graff_Pink » March 7th, 2012, 11:44 am:I have to say that for the most part the general consensus is that she likely knows. Like some of you said, how could she NOT know who her husband is of 20+ years... although I'm sure it happens and there are women (or men) who end up being blind-sided in the end. And as someone else mentioned, who even knows if this is his first time doing this? I go back and forth on that only because he has been so sloppy in the way he's been carrying on with this woman - and I've been working here for 5 years now - and have never stumbled upon anything before, so his behavior seems so... amateur. But then, perhaps he is just getting cocky and careless if she truly doesn't know (and has never figured anything out) - OR like it has been said, if they have an arrangement he simply doesn't care. Honestly, it's so hard for me to wrap my head around the idea of an arranged marriage in the sense that two people would come to terms with living... well, a lie. It's very hard for me to fathom - not because I want to judge but more because it seems so empty and sad and so I'm not sure I even understand it. Of course I am speaking from complete inexperience in that arena - and hope to never have that kind of relationship (god forbid!) - so who am I to judge? The only thing I DO know is what it feels like to be cheated on by someone who professes to love you (and vice versa) and it is awful. Terrible. Harrowing. I wouldn't wish that experience on my worst enemy. Well no, perhaps on the woman who was knowingly carrying on with my ex, but I'm pretty sure she's getting hers now!My friend seems oblivious, at least to me. She truly does - my husband thinks so too. One of the reasons I love her so much is that she is a very honest, very sweet, very good, kind person. She grew-up under very strict parents and was very sheltered, and her husband is the first man she dated (in college), was "with" and has been with for most of her adult life. She is often times naive to the world and how things are - she's not internet savvy or phone savvy or really tuned-in to pop culture. She's a lovely, suburban, stay-at-home, soccer mom type who's life centers around her kids and making a nice home. I do NOT think she is a stupid person at all - she's very bright! - but I DO think her to be very out of touch. Sheltered. Simple likes, simple tastes, simple life. But then... maybe that's her best defense in living with the jerk she's with? People learn to cope in so many different ways. If she opened her eyes and woke up a bit she would see what most people do - but could be she just doesn't WANT to. I don't know. I don't think it's a happy marriage, but I also don't believe she thinks he's carrying on. Again, it's anyone's guess.Although it makes me feel badly, my first priority will be getting a my work situation in order (hopefully sooner rather than later) and then once I don't have that over my head I will follow my heart from there. Maybe confront him, maybe tell her, maybe just walk away and leave it all alone altogether - I haven't decided and don't know that I can right now. What I do agree with in what most of you said - and including my husband - is that I need to think of myself, our family and our situation first and get those ducks in a row before anything else. As for the day to day? It stinks. It feels terrible, it's troubling, it's uncomfortable and it weighs heavily on me. So I just can't wait to be out of here and at least feel not so "in the mix" of things!Again, I really appreciate all of the feedback - and from helping me look at this from all angles.
Written by iugurl » March 7th, 2012, 4:30 pm:Written by Amber St. Clare » March 7th, 2012, 1:31 pm:You really don't know for certain and you are assuming that because YOU YOURSELF would have wanted to be told about the infidelity this wife needs to be.It's not your business. She in all probability knows, but chooses to look the other way for whatever reason. You have judged their relationship based on what you would have wanted. You couldn't live with that kind of relationship. Fine. It's not up to you, their employee, to "spill the beans". She may be perfectly fine with it.I sincerely hope you find a new employer soon. It must be awful working under those circumstances.Why do you say that? In my experience, few women (or men) know or even suspect their spouse is cheating, if they have an otherwise "good" marriage. I work in mental health and have had hundreds of patients who have come in and told their "side" - that they were blindsided by their spouse who up and left. There have been a lot who started to suspect right before the end, but the affair had been going on 6 or more months. I can only think of 2 that admitted they knew and ignored it...I think that it is offensive to assume that "intelligent" women would know if their spouse was cheating (only dumb women can be duped?) You would not believe how sneaky people can be! Perhaps not this particular guy, but I have seen some amazing double lives. If a spouse wants to hide something, there are ways to be extremely clever about it. If they had an open marriage or some other arrangement, why would he need to sneak around, lie, and pay for things out of the business account?
Written by MissStepcut » March 8th, 2012, 2:58 pm:I once was in a similar situation and told the friend, with proof. She not only stayed with him, but was mad at me for a year after. People don't always react the way you think or wish they would. I vote for saying out of it, because I will never get myself mixed up in that sort of thing again.
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