mom doesnt want me to marry FI...

[slg47]

she is usually kind of dramatic but that's what she said.

Here's the story...

today I was supposed to fly home for spring break. The public transportation would cut it close (they don't run as early on Saturdays) and I was running a risk of missing my flight by taking it. I didn't want to take a taxi and my FI didn't want to drive me to the airport.

anyway, when I got to the airport, it was very close to the time of my flight. I asked if I could go to the front of the line because my flight was so soon, and they pointed me to the back of the line. After standing in numerous lines (and missing my flight in doing so), when I got to the front of the security line, someone was calling out people who had flights that were soon to come to the front of the line (this person was not there when I was in the line).

the airport redirected me to another city, but in the other city, the connecting flight was full?? so I am returning to the original city and probably will not make it to my destination for 2-3 days.

OK, so, my mom is FURIOUS at my FI for not wanting to drive me to the airport. She doesn't want me to marry a "jerk" who doesn't prioritize me. I think she is so angry because this is one of the main reasons she left my dad (although my dad was an extreme example...while my mom was giving birth to me he wouldn't call the nurse!)

I am slightly annoyed that FI didn't want to drive me, but I see it as more of a cultural thing (he is from the NE, I am from the south). However this is an issue we have discussed in our relationship (I feel like I prioritize him and do lots of things for him and this is not reciprocated).

Anyway...I know you PSers have lots of good advice...so any is appreciated. Thanks for listening.

 

[Miss Sparkly]

I'm sorry to hear this. I wish that I had some great piece of advice but I don't. I'm in the same situation but married so I will be tuning back in to see what the psers have to say. Good luck

 

[JulieN]

Confused, what does this have to do with him being from the NE? I've driven and picked up friends and SOs from the airport, and I'm on the west coast.

Do you live with your fiance? Is it very far from his house to your house?

 

[slg47]

Julie I am not sure...I am just trying to rationalize? It seems like part of the whole not opening doors thing...couples I know over there (in general, not everyone) seem to be more independent and less dependent on each other.

 

[VRBeauty]

sig - you need to listen to your own gut... and it's possible that it will take a while before you'll be able to hear what it's telling you.

From what you've told us, my initial reaction is that sometimes mother does know best... and that you yourself have misgivings about either how your fiance prioritizes you in his life, or how he shows his love for you. That said, your mother's comments could be clouded by her past and yours could be influenced by the travel ordeal you just went through. Or... your mother is dead-on and this latest ordeal is helping you to see the issue (and possibly your own misgivings) more clearly.

I know you'll get lots of opinions and good advice here, but I also think the best thing you can do right now is to tune out other voices and be still with your feelings... try to get a good sense of what your gut is telling you.

Good luck.

 

[Munchkin]

This isn't a cultural thing and it certainly wasn't nice of him. If you were my child I would be angry with him, too. I am from the NE and when I got to the line about your FI not wanting to drive you, my immediate thought was "why the heck not?" I actually re-read it thinking that perhaps you had written "couldn't." Unfortunately, I was wrong. I just don't get why he didn't drive you.

If you don't mind me asking, how old is he? You mentioned spring break so I wonder if he is still in college. A piece of this could be immaturity/laziness. I remember having to be prodded to do things for my parents in college that I now understand are simply the right thing to without being asked. That said, I was always willing to do things for my DH, and he the same.

I think you do need to have a frank talk about how being part of a couple can mean doing inconvenient things because they will make the life of your partner easier. Sometimes you just need to put the other person first. It shouldn't be that you are ALWAYS putting the other person first, though, because that leads to an unbalanced relationship.

 

[mrscushion]

I think he should have driven you to the airport. You'd do the same for him, right?

Putting that aside, I think your mom is just angry about you not coming home when she expected you to. That, and she has had bad experiences that have obviously shaped and influenced her views -- she doesn't want you to make the same mistake she did. I think once she's calmed down and you're actually out there, you should talk about her worries and give her the sense that she doesn't have anything to worry about (if you think she doesn't, that is).

 

[slg47]

the thing is, I don't think FI doesn't love me. I think that's just how he operates in relationships...he doesn't treat the girl like a princess (which is fine!) but sometimes it leaves me wanting more.

 

[slg47]

I am in grad school. He is 27 and I am 25. I totally acknowledge that I am an idiot for not taking a taxi.

mscushion...yes, I would have driven him to the airport. that's what irks me. Even if I had to get up at 5, I would have. I asked him to yesterday and he just didn't want to, and me being stubborn decided to take the public transportation.

 

[paperumbrella]

Hi slg,
I don't post very often, but I felt compelled to tell you that this is a personality/respect issue, and most assuredly NOT a cultural issue. When I need a ride to the airport, my bf just assumes that he is taking me, and his only question is "what time?". I think if I were in your mom's shoes, I would similarly be a little concerned that your FI didn't take you to the airport, despite the hardship that this caused you, just because he "didn't want to". Nobody wants to take someone to the airport, but it's one of those things that you just do for your friends and loved ones because it is the nice and helpful thing to do. Obviously I cannot make any sweeping generalizations about your relationship based on one situation, but I would not be thrilled with my sister (I don't have kids) marrying some guy who does not reciprocate the efforts that she puts in to the relationship (as you say happens in your relationship). Perhaps this is a one off thing, or perhaps his other great qualities make up for this issue.

Edited to add:
Does he know that you would feel more appreciated and loved if he made more of an effort with small gestures like holding doors? If not, I would explicitly spell it out for him, some guys don't do these things automatically, but perhaps he would if he knew how much it meant to you. If he does know how you feel about this, but hasn't made any moves to be more thoughtful in this area, I think this is a very different issues.

 

[slg47]

thanks everyone for your input. I guess what irritates me the most is that I called him and told him mom was upset, and why, and that I was slightly upset...I guess I feel like since he knows I am upset he should be calling/emailing/something. This is another common theme, when I am upset I feel like I have to ALERT HIM and then TELL HIM what to do (hug/etc)

ugh, sorry I am ranting...just really upset.

 

[zoebartlett]

I don't see this as a cultural thing either, and I don't understand why your FI didn't drive you to the airport. If my husband said that he simply didn't want to do something like that for me, I'd be upset. It's one thing if he was sick or something but just 'cause he didn't feel like it?

 

[slg47]

well he does have a few hrs of work/errands to do today but nothing that would have interfered with his ability to drive me to the airport. I guess I am wondering if he was with someone else if he would want to drive that person to the airport, or is this just how he is?

 

[JulieN]

Even if it were inconvenient, you're leaving to go home for spring break, he won't see you for at least a week. And it's a Saturday. I think he should have taken you out to breakfast and then driven you to the airport! My bf knows I love Egg McMuffins, and I'm not a morning person but he is, so if I have to go somewhere with him very early, he'll pick up a McMuffin for me.

 

[tigian]

I am in grad school. He is 27 and I am 25. I totally acknowledge that I am an idiot for not taking a taxi.

mscushion...yes, I would have driven him to the airport. that's what irks me. Even if I had to get up at 5, I would have. I asked him to yesterday and he just didn't want to, and me being stubborn decided to take the public transportation.

Hi Slg47,
This is the part that I'm not comfortable with in all that you've described. As I was reading the scenario, I wast thinking he may have had other things he had to take care of, maybe he was not feeling well, etc. IMHO, when I'm in a relationship, we do things we don't particularly want to do, but we do them because it is important to the other person. Have you had a discussion with him about how you are willing to do things for him that he doesn't seem willing to do for you?

 

[slg47]

Even if it were inconvenient, you're leaving to go home for spring break, he won't see you for at least a week. And it's a Saturday. I think he should have taken you out to breakfast and then driven you to the airport! My bf knows I love Egg McMuffins, and I'm not a morning person but he is, so if I have to go somewhere with him very early, he'll pick up a McMuffin for me.

Julie that is so sweet

 

[february2003bride]

Honestly, your mom is right. Not that you shouldn't marry your FI, but that him not wanting to drive you to the airport was selfish.

First, it's NOT a regional thing. Men from the NE are just as chivilirous (sp) as men from the south.

Your FI should open doors for you, and he should have driven you to the airport, especially given your situation. My DH of 8 years (10 years together) and who is from India, always opens doors for me (I told him a long time ago to stop opening my car door though), he would absolutely drive me to the airport, always lets me order first, etc.

And it's not a "princess" thing, it's about respect and putting you first. I personally don't think you should let it slide that he doesn't do small things like that.

 

[megumic]

I am in grad school. He is 27 and I am 25. I totally acknowledge that I am an idiot for not taking a taxi.

mscushion...yes, I would have driven him to the airport. that's what irks me. Even if I had to get up at 5, I would have. I asked him to yesterday and he just didn't want to, and me being stubborn decided to take the public transportation.

I disagree with the bolded. More like your FI is an idiot for simply not driving you to the airport! Personally, I would not have had to ask DH -- he would have just said what time. Also, if he said he didn't want to, I would have demanded a reason why not. Did you ask him why he didn't want to? I feel like there's a piece of this story you haven't shared...

 

[slg47]

Honestly, your mom is right. Not that you shouldn't marry your FI, but that him not wanting to drive you to the airport was selfish.

First, it's NOT a regional thing. Men from the NE are just as chivilirous (sp) as men from the south.

Your FI should open doors for you, and he should have driven you to the airport, especially given your situation. My DH of 8 years (10 years together) and who is from India, always opens doors for me (I told him a long time ago to stop opening my car door though), he would absolutely drive me to the airport, always lets me order first, etc.

And it's not a "princess" thing, it's about respect and putting you first. I personally don't think you should let it slide that he doesn't do small things like that.

yeah, that's the thing. I don't want to be a high maintenance diva and order him around, but I would like to feel appreciated and loved?

 

[february2003bride]

I am in grad school. He is 27 and I am 25. I totally acknowledge that I am an idiot for not taking a taxi.
mscushion...yes, I would have driven him to the airport. that's what irks me. Even if I had to get up at 5, I would have. I asked him to yesterday and he just didn't want to, and me being stubborn decided to take the public transportation.

WHAT? Why? Why would you call yourself and idiot for not taking a taxi? Why PAY for a freakin' taxi when your FI could have gotten off his a$$ and DRIVEN YOU TO THE AIRPORT? It's not he couldn't, it's he wouldn't. And there is a huge difference.

 

[slg47]

I am in grad school. He is 27 and I am 25. I totally acknowledge that I am an idiot for not taking a taxi.

mscushion...yes, I would have driven him to the airport. that's what irks me. Even if I had to get up at 5, I would have. I asked him to yesterday and he just didn't want to, and me being stubborn decided to take the public transportation.

I disagree with the bolded. More like your FI is an idiot for simply not driving you to the airport! Personally, I would not have had to ask DH -- he would have just said what time. Also, if he said he didn't want to, I would have demanded a reason why not. Did you ask him why he didn't want to? I feel like there's a piece of this story you haven't shared...

no, he didn't want to because he had to do some work and errands (not have to be at work at a specific time, just work on his own time) and because it was early. when i mentioned him driving me he seemed annoyed, so I said I would just take the public transportation. He was like "you shouldn't...I think you will miss your flight"

 

[JulieN]

So... ahhh... what are you going to do about it?

 

[slg47]

oh no, he is totally capable. I suppose I could have begged and pleaded with him to drive me but it didn't seem like it was worth it.

 

[neatfreak]

Sorry, but that was super selfish of him. And it has nothing to do with him being from the NE, so not sure where that came from? I'm from the NE and we all are generally nice people who drive our friends and loved ones to the airport.

From what I am hearing it sounds like your mom is seeing this as part of an overall pattern, and frankly I agree that if this is a pattern, it's something you should at LEAST think about.

A marriage is a partnership and you need someone who has your back whether it's convenient for them or not.

And your comment "I would like to feel appreciated and loved?" makes me wonder if this is a pattern. If it is, that's a problem IMO. I wouldn't marry someone who didn't make me feel appreciated and loved.

 

[slg47]

So... ahhh... what are you going to do about it?

this is the thing. I am not sure. I have told him in the past that I feel like I put more into the relationship than he does. Of course I am not perfect by any means, but sometimes I do not feel appreciated. Right now I am uber upset because I am stuck in the airport and might not make it until TUESDAY?!?!?!?! Honestly he doesn't see it as a big deal. I will probably show him this thread and ask him what his thoughts are, since it seems pretty universal that your BFs/FIs/DHs/partners/friends/whatever would drive you to the airport and not gripe about it.

 

[suchende]

Whatever this tells you about him/the relationship, I think it's safe to assume he'll become less considerate over time, and not more. Don't go into marriage thinking he's going to change for the better.

As for if he'd act differently if he were in a relationship with someone else... if you dump him for this selfish behavior, possibly!

Did you make it clear to him that you were cutting it close for making your flight, or was he not really clear on the possible consequences?

 

[slg47]

Whatever this tells you about him/the relationship, I think it's safe to assume he'll become less considerate over time, and not more. Don't go into marriage thinking he's going to change for the better.

As for if he'd act differently if he were in a relationship with someone else... if you dump him for this selfish behavior, possibly!

Did you make it clear to him that you were cutting it close for making your flight, or was he not really clear on the possible consequences?

he discouraged me from taking the public transportation because he thought I wouldn't make it.

 

[paperumbrella]

Ok, two more thoughts based on your follow-up posts. First, I do strongly feel that people treat us as we teach them to do so. What was your reaction when your FI said he didn't want to take you to the airport? Did you just say ok, or did you express your displeasure with that answer? Because I'm trying to think of what I would do if my FI said he didn't want to take me to the airport, and I think I would laugh, say, "Well, yeah, duh!! But I need to be there by 8, so we will need to leave the house by 7:30" and then smile, kiss him on the cheek, and say thanks.

Second, some people need more explicit instruction on how to best treat their partners. For instance, I know that I have high expectations for by birthday plans in order to feel best loved, so I spell out for my BF what I would like: dinner, flowers, and suggestions on the present. Some people feel that if they have to spell out what they want, it doesn't mean as much, but I feel that I would rather ask and get what I want, than hope that he reads my mind correctly. It sounds like your FI needs instructions on how to best treat you. How do you feel about providing this for him?

 

[neatfreak]

Whatever this tells you about him/the relationship, I think it's safe to assume he'll become less considerate over time, and not more. Don't go into marriage thinking he's going to change for the better.

As for if he'd act differently if he were in a relationship with someone else... if you dump him for this selfish behavior, possibly!

Did you make it clear to him that you were cutting it close for making your flight, or was he not really clear on the possible consequences?

he discouraged me from taking the public transportation because he thought I wouldn't make it.

Then he should have driven you dear!! I think you live near me and I know the transit can be a PITA to either airport and he should too.

It's one thing to not be able to drive you, but it's another thing entirely to make you miss your flight because he's lazy.

When I have to go somewhere early, my DH may not WANT to drive me, but he does. Same with him. No one WANTS to get up crazy early to drive someone to the airport, but you do it because you love them.

 

[junebug17]

Sig, I am hesitant to judge your entire relationship on one instance of him not doing something for you. Was this the exception or the rule? Does he usually help you out if you need it, or do you notice other instances where he could be of help to you, and he chooses not to? I guess it was a bit cold of him not to give you a ride. Most of us would do it for a friend, never mind a fiance.

But only you really know how much of an issue this is in your relationship. If this is a common occurrence in your relationship (him not making you a priority) and you find yourself often troubled by it, then maybe you need to address it before marriage.

I don't know...are there other things about your fiance that have bothered your mother in the past? Again, it seems strange to me that your mother doesn't want you to marry him because of this one incident. I could see it bothering her, but enough to tell you not to marry him? I feel as if there must be more.