Miss World Called Off the Wedding

[diamondseeker2006]

I'm in the "give the ring back" camp, btw. I don't really want to see you on Judge Judy having to explain what an a$$ this guy is in a year and then have to pay damages for tossing his property away. Just give it back to him, don't say anything about it other than "I believe this is yours". And walk away to a better life.

This. And...you have to tell your mother.

Best of everything to you!!!!!

 

[stargurl78]

Well, I owe you an apology for doubting your story in the other thread. But you have to admit it was rather hard to believe!! Anyways, I'm sorry and it's great to hear that you have left him!! You made the right decision, even though it may be hard to believe that right now.

One last word of advice: PLEASE DO NOT GET BACK TOGETHER WITH THIS GUY IN THE FUTURE!! If you are feeling doubtful about your decision to leave him, just come back to this thread and everyone here will help you get through it.

 

[Lady_Disdain]

You don't have to tell your mother all the gory details. Just tell her that he screwed up majorly in ways that you don't think would make him an appropriate husband. Later, you can give more details, if you want.

 

[Enerchi]

How are things today, MG? Its a few days later, maybe more/maybe less dust settling about calling off the wedding?

HAve you told your mom/family about why it was called off?

Has your ex been trying to contact you (please don't connect with him... a clean break, IMHO, is best in this case)?

I hope each day gets just a slightly bit better to get thru.

 

[Lotus99]

I'm also glad you called it off. It may not seem like it now, but in a few years, you'll know you dodged a bullet on this one.

I was in a relationship a while back, and was dreaming of marrying him and bearing his children. As time went on, he changed and it became more obvious it was never going to work. It was extremely painful to dump him, but I knew it was for the best. I was also in that "I'm getting old" stage, and never thought I'd meet Mr. Right. I'm happy to say I did meet Mr. Right in my mid 30s. One thing that helped was looking for a man that was kind, treated me right, and wasn't a loser. Beyond that, by this age, we all have some baggage and some flaws. How a man treats you (and others) is more important than any perceived minor flaws.

I'd advise you to take some time for yourself and to enjoy being single. Don't rush out there looking for someone new right away.

You might tell your mother that he cheated on you, without all the details of with whom and for how much. If she knows he cheated on you, that will be enough for her to know you made the right decision.

 

[Gypsy]

Regarding your mom. It depends on what kind of mom you have and how she felt about him.

Personally, I would say something like: " I am not going to go into greater detail that this, and I hope you'll respect that as this is very difficult for me. But there were multiple incidents involving prostitutes and unsafe sex and I cannot marry or date someone I can't trust and I couldn't continue to put my own health at risk."

That gives enough detail that she should get a big picture idea that he's an ass. But avoids a longer explanation. And she will understand that you did the ONLY SMART THING that you could have done.

If you want to explain more later you can. And if you don't want to... you don't have to.

 

[marygrace]

Calling off the wedding was the easy part. Figuring out what to do next is much worse.

Remember that I have an injured knee and ankle. Mobility is a problem.

I am staying the guest room. It has a separate entrance. I can limit my interaction with him. I am trying to decide where to go. I want to leave the city. I moved here for him. My family and friends are elsewhere.

I am receiving Incompletes for the semester. I will take my finals when my brain settles down enough to think.

My therapist suggested that I get away for a bit, then come back and take care of what I need to do. When I have healed, I just might do that.

She is also on board for (oh god please don't yell at me) couples therapy. POS and I are doing an "intensive weekend" program. The couples therapist said it is designed to determined whether a couple can work things out or break up peacefully. I need this. No matter what the outcome, I need this closure.

I had been feeling like everything is my fault in this relationship when I know now this assumption is false. I may not have been perfect but he has done much wrong.

The day I called off the wedding, I found out he had a 2 month affair with a 22-year-old in early 2009. My dad had not even been dead a year. Yes, get your popcorn out. Our relationship a complete train wreck. During that time, he acted like a complete *ssh*le and I was being unreasonable, blah, blah, blah. Where has his penis not been?

I took all the picture of us out of their frames and ripped them apart. I put the frames on the curb for someone else to reuse. They were picked up within the hour.

I attacked wicker furniture with Hulk strength. I ripped them apart with my bare hands. My bare hands! When I noticed that I was bleeding, I stopped. I pulled out the thorns and took a shower.

He came home. I found out what happens when a couple lives in house ... stops being polite ... and starts getting real.

I told him I didn't like the ring. I saw it as thoughtless. He bought it online, sight unseen, with the wrong shape, in the wrong ring size. He threw the box across the room and yelled, "Why must you ruin everything that was special?'

ORLY?

So this is where I am now. Something hit the fan and the mess is all over the place.

 

[VRBeauty]

MaryGrace - I understand the mobility limitations you're facing, and I understand that staying in the same place may be somehow cathartic, but it seems to me like you're rubbing salt in the wounds - your and his.

You have the means to move out. Even if you only move into a hotel for a few nights, don't you think it might be worthwhile to have some time when you're not even thinking about his presence, or where he is or when he might return? Don't you have any friends nearby who could help you pack the essentials so you can move out?

This is going to be difficult enough without living in the same place. Please consider giving yourself at least a brief respite from the situation.

ETA - or - is the apartment/condo whatever in your name? Can you force him out?

 

[junebug17]

Thanks for checking in marygrace, I know that it's going to be hard dealing with the aftermath of canceling the wedding. I know you are injured, but I would seriously get my own place as soon as possible, even if it's just temporary until you figure out what you want to do long term.

I'm not going to yell at you - in fact, I mentioned in a previous post I feel weird sometimes giving advice online to people about such important decisions. But I have to be honest - if it was me I don't think I'd even bother with this couple's counseling weekend. I just think it would be better to move on with your life - Things seem so broken that I just don't see the point. Too much has happened and I don't think you could ever trust this man again. To me, he's proven himself to be a person of bad character and you're better off alone. But you sound like you really want to do it, and it's your choice. I can offer my opinion, but in the end you have to decide what's best for yourself!

Kind of odd that the issue of the ring re-surfaced, with all the other things going on. The ring seems kind of minor compared to all the other stuff, but I guess you just had to get your anger over it out of your system Your discussions with this guy seem really unproductive - I'd avoid talking to him.

It's your life and your decision - I think you need to spend some time figuring out what you really want. But I think the first step is moving out.

I wish you all the best, and that you can get to a place of peace and contentment in your life!

ETA: You know what, I thought about the ring thing, and if it made you feel better to let him know how your felt about it, then it was worth it!

 

[Porridge]

I completely agree with Junebug. I can't imagine how this weekend could be of any possible help, and any further contact with this person sounds completely counter-productive. I would advise you to take the energy directed towards wicker furniture and get away from him ASAP. Surround yourself with friends and family and start healing. I don't see how you can do that in your current situation.

Best of luck.

 

[Gypsy]

The wicker furniture was healthy actually, and so was the frames. You needed an outlet for the anger, and that means you were really feeling the anger and that you were present and in touch with your feelings. All good. Who cares that a little wicker suffered. I understand the ring thing. You were angry about EVERYTHING and it was another outlet, plus the sight of it probably makes you feel foolish (unjustly, but I can see your perspective) because it probably symbolizes to you how little he cares about you and how much you have put up with from him.

Another affair does make me wonder what on earth you think this weekend will accomplish, but this is YOUR process and I'm not going to yell at you for that.

I do think you need to leave the city and then just be for a while. And come back and deal when you do.

If he tells you again that you ruined everything... tell him you aren't the one that can't seem to keep his dick in his pants and COMMIT like a real man.

Keep updating us honey. We are here. ((HUGS)) and much love.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I missed the original thread and am only catching on now. My only advice -- MOVE OUT now. Tonight. Go to a hotel. Get some space. I see bad things coming if you stay, more mess, more drama, more hurt, more damage.

 

[mrs jam]

You are letting a complete and utter ******* take years off of your life. How much lower does he have to go before you realize how worthless he is as a human being? You wrote that you were concerned you were too old to go back to the dating scene (totally not true); well, the stress you are putting yourself through is going to age you well beyond your years, emotionally and physically. He is disgusting. This whole situation that you are allowing and prolonging is disgusting.

 

[marygrace]

My plan is to stay in the guest bedroom with its private entrance until my medical stuff is figured out. It will probably take a week. Then, I will go stay with my cousin, far, far away in Chicago.

I do not want to stay in a hotel until I leave because of my cats. I want to be around my cats! He won't go because it is his house and I just moved in 3 months ago.

That's the gist of it for now.

 

[monarch64]

My plan is to stay in the guest bedroom with its private entrance until my medical stuff is figured out. It will probably take a week. Then, I will go stay with my cousin, far, far away in Chicago.

I do not want to stay in a hotel until I leave because of my cats. I want to be around my cats! He won't go because it is his house and I just moved in 3 months ago.

That's the gist of it for now.

You do realize you are making excuses, right? Even the medical stuff. There is wonderful health care in Chicago. There are hotels that take pets.

I know how hard it is to leave, believe me. And I know you are feeling down right now in more ways than one and that you are not completely mobile, but where there's a will, there's a way. I just hope you don't end up backsliding into making peace with this guy and ending up wasting more time with him.

Good luck.

 

[Enerchi]

Please stay strong, marygrace, in your resolve to leave this person in that week time frame (AT THE MOST!! earlier, please!!, if you can)

This man is clearly a master manipulator - he's 'fooled you' a few times already, he's proven to himself that its a game he is good at, he can play you like a fiddle. This could be just another challenge for him - see if he can get you to stay. There will come the promises, the begging, the pleading... then unfortunately, the threatening will follow after. It can be a pretty slippery slope from threats to action. Your safety is paramount. You are only a door or drywall away from him.

A cheap hotel room could be your best insurance policy. Pack up your cats and go. Whatever you leave behind, they are just "things" and things can be replaced - you can't.

Please think about this.

 

[Gypsy]

My plan is to stay in the guest bedroom with its private entrance until my medical stuff is figured out. It will probably take a week. Then, I will go stay with my cousin, far, far away in Chicago.

I do not want to stay in a hotel until I leave because of my cats. I want to be around my cats! He won't go because it is his house and I just moved in 3 months ago.

That's the gist of it for now.

You do realize you are making excuses, right? Even the medical stuff. There is wonderful health care in Chicago. There are hotels that take pets.

I know how hard it is to leave, believe me. And I know you are feeling down right now in more ways than one and that you are not completely mobile, but where there's a will, there's a way. I just hope you don't end up backsliding into making peace with this guy and ending up wasting more time with him.

Good luck.

Yeah. I've gotta agree with this. You are making excuses.

I traveled cross country 2000 miles with 3 cats in a Camry. I had pneumonia.

Fly out your best friend, sister, cousin, brother, mother, father. Rent a car, drive home or to Chicago or wherever with that person. Or hire movers and fly the cats out. You said in the other thread that you are comfortable financially.

Sweetie, can you think of ANYTHING that is MORE worthwhile to spend money on than yourself, your self respect and your mental health? Why were you so ANGRY with that ring? Because it SHOWED YOU how LITTLE he values you. If you were angry with him? Then you should be FURIOUS with yourself, because you are DEVALUING yourself by staying. Get yourself out of there, to a hotel at the least. YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THIS. Have faith in your own self worth, pack up (Pay someone to pack you up, I've done it twice!), grab your cats. AND LEAVE.

NOW.

 

[sunseeker101]

MaryGrace, I had to laugh when I read, "I told him I didn't like the ring. I saw it as thoughtless. He bought it online, sight unseen, with the wrong shape, in the wrong ring size. He threw the box across the room and yelled, "Why must you ruin everything that was special?''

Enerchi is right, master manipulator is shockingly apparent here. He's painting himself as a paragon of good intentions and pure soul that you've so nastily vexed and disappointed with your (as he's trying to make out: unjustified) anger and heart-break. You're such a bad, bad woman! I can guarantee you that this type of claptrap is the tip of the iceberg and time spent in any kind of therapy with him will be fruitless and confusing. He most likely believes the seriousness of your complaints are ridiculous and that you're just kicking sand in his face as punishment, after all, you're still there, right? Idiots like this are 110% political and cynical (read: compassion-less) in their interpersonal dealings. The closer you are the more abuse you'll receive, and you've already taken enough of a beating to risk any more, I would say!

As for what to do, I would exit with minimal contact ASAP. It'll likely be egotistically irresistible to him to try to win you back (and then play with your head and self-respect). Avoid at all costs.

Very much hoping you carry out the evacuation unencumbered by false hope, memory-lapse, self-blame (or the million-and-one other traps hidden on the route). Good luck.

 

[minousbijoux]

MaryGrace, I had to laugh when I read, "I told him I didn't like the ring. I saw it as thoughtless. He bought it online, sight unseen, with the wrong shape, in the wrong ring size. He threw the box across the room and yelled, "Why must you ruin everything that was special?''

Enerchi is right, master manipulator is shockingly apparent here. He's painting himself as a paragon of good intentions and pure soul that you've so nastily vexed and disappointed with your (as he's trying to make out: unjustified) anger and heart-break. You're such a bad, bad woman! I can guarantee you that this type of claptrap is the tip of the iceberg and time spent in any kind of therapy with him will be fruitless and confusing. He most likely believes the seriousness of your complaints are ridiculous and that you're just kicking sand in his face as punishment, after all, you're still there, right? Idiots like this are 110% political and cynical (read: compassion-less) in their interpersonal dealings. The closer you are the more abuse you'll receive, and you've already taken enough of a beating to risk any more, I would say!

As for what to do, I would exit with minimal contact ASAP. It'll likely be egotistically irresistible to him to try to win you back (and then play with your head and self-respect). Avoid at all costs.

Very much hoping you carry out the evacuation unencumbered by false hope, memory-lapse, self-blame (or the million-and-one other traps hidden on the route). Good luck.

Absolutely dead on post. Very, very well said. MaryGrace, please listen! You did nothing wrong and are not responsible for "ruining" anything. It is who he is that he must pass the blame to you. It is who you are that you are struggling with whether to take that responsibility - don't take it, RUN. You can think it through after.

Hugs and dust for you.

 

[VapidLapid]

...

I traveled cross country 2000 miles with 3 cats in a Camry. I had pneumonia.

Fly out your best friend, sister, cousin, brother, mother, father. Rent a car, drive home or to Chicago or wherever with that person. Or hire movers and fly the cats out. You said in the other thread that you are comfortable financially.

Sweetie, can you think of ANYTHING that is MORE worthwhile to spend money on than yourself, your self respect and your mental health? Why were you so ANGRY with that ring? Because it SHOWED YOU how LITTLE he values you. If you were angry with him? Then you should be FURIOUS with yourself, because you are DEVALUING yourself by staying. Get yourself out of there, to a hotel at the least. YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THIS. Have faith in your own self worth, pack up (Pay someone to pack you up, I've done it twice!), grab your cats. AND LEAVE.

NOW.[/quote]



This is very wise.

 

[amc80]

Get out. Now. I lived with my ex after we broke up. Nothing as crazy as your story...and I really thought we could still be friends. Wrong. I didn't realize how completely miserable I was living with him. It was pure torture. And we were friendly! We'd even hang out, go out to dinner, etc. I had no idea how completely stressed and sad I was living with him, until I finally moved. It took about 7 months to move (we were in a lease)...and the minute I had my own place it was such a relief. A giant weight was lifted off my shoulders, and at that point I realized how crappy the previous months had been.

No excuses- move. If you need to stay local until your foot gets better, find a hotel that takes pets. Or find any hotel and board the cats for a week.

 

[distracts]

MG, I know you are hurting but how have you not yet figured out that there's no such thing as closure to a breakup? This man conducted a two-month affair behind your back (read: he cheated on you numerous times), among numerous other indiscretions. Therapy with him will not bring closure. Continuing to live with him will not bring closure. All it will do is screw with your head more and leave you more confused and more hurt. I recommend you move into a hotel for the next week or two, board your cats, and finish your incompletes so you can move out of the city. As someone who has taken incompletes before for health problems, trust me that it is much easier to complete them asap, no matter how screwed up you are, rather than taking a break before doing them - no matter what is going on in your life, the information is still a lot fresher now than it will be in several months. The sooner you take your finals, the sooner you can move on. And moving on is what you need to do.

If you don't like the thought of a hotel, it's possible you could find a bed & breakfast, a garage/poolhouse/guesthouse apartment, or an apartment that allows short-term leases and rent for a month, which would give you enough time to finish your semester and get plans in place to move back to your friends and family. Please don't continue living with this jerkwad. I am worried it will just cause you more pain and hurt.

 

[mary poppins]

So glad you called off your wedding. Stay strong.

Just saw this and thought of you. Maybe this is the right place for your e-ring:

http://www.aol.com/video/moving-on-letting-go-and-making-money/517352868/?icid=maing-grid7|main5|video-module|sec3_lnk1|156646

neverlikeditanyway.com

 

[anon489]

Mary Grace - I am so truly sorry that you are in this position but I wanted to ditto what Distracts says and unfortunately I am speaking from personal experience.

I am now separated from my husband as a result of his infidelity. I didn't read your original post but gather from this thread that your circumstances are far more extreme than mine in terms of your fiancee's behaviour. I stayed with my husband for about a year after I found out about his emotional (possibly also physical but have never found out for sure) affair because we have a young child. We were in marriage counselling for most of that time. I wanted closure, I wanted him to show remorse, I wanted him to beg me for forgiveness, I wanted him to do everything he could to save our marriage.

None of that happened. Instead, I spent a year slowly going out of my mind as he continued to behave inappropriately and manipulate me into believing that it was my fault. He would say all the right things in marriage counselling and then continue with the same old behaviour afterwards. I didn't trust anything he said and was constantly searching for new evidence about what he had been up to, and I kept finding it. It was like death by a thousand cuts. I kept thinking that at some point he would "get it" because no reasonable person could think or behave the way that he does. But I have now realised that he will never get it because he is a complete narcissist. (I'm not sure whether this applies to your situation, but I did some reading on narcissistic personality disorder and it was a complete eye opener for me.) I am normally a very strong, capable person who does not put up with crap but I was completely broken by the time we finally split.

I completely understand why you feel the need for closure, but I honestly think you are unlikely to get it and you are likely to put yourself through hell trying to. Also, I would encourage you to think long and hard about what "closure" is for you. If I'm honest, I'm not sure that even if my husband had done all the things I wanted him to do that I could ever have trusted him again anyway. I was focussed on getting "closure" and on what he was or wasn't doing to save our marriage when I should have been focussed on my deal breakers in a marriage (dishonesty and infidelity being two of them). If I had done that, I would have left much sooner than I did.

 

[marygrace]

MaryGrace, I had to laugh when I read, "I told him I didn't like the ring. I saw it as thoughtless. He bought it online, sight unseen, with the wrong shape, in the wrong ring size. He threw the box across the room and yelled, "Why must you ruin everything that was special?''

Enerchi is right, master manipulator is shockingly apparent here. He's painting himself as a paragon of good intentions and pure soul that you've so nastily vexed and disappointed with your (as he's trying to make out: unjustified) anger and heart-break. You're such a bad, bad woman!

Exactly. Thank you.

I want to be in Chicago RIGHT NOW. I saw the sports doctor today. Everything is healing well. Now I want to take my finals because I refuse to let this relationship mess up the hard work I put into this semester. REFUSE. It is very important to me. After that, I am gone. Just one more week. I can do this.

I choose to stay in the guest bedroom because it is convenient and filled with all my stuff -- the bedroom set I have had since I was 17, my soft sheets, my pillows, my comforter, everything. It feels like home and I am probably regressing to half my age. Hotels make me feel Lost in Translation. I just want to be around family right now. My room is the closest thing I have.

I understand your concern. I assure you that this room is practically detached from the house. The entrance is on the side of the house. The only other way to get to it is to go downstairs, go through the garage, and walk through storage space to get to the other door. It is very private.

I don't have close friends here. Thus, no where else to stay. My current arrangement is quite peaceful. Chicago is better and I can't wait to run to the open arms of unconditional love and support.

 

[marygrace]

Mary Grace - I am so truly sorry that you are in this position but I wanted to ditto what Distracts says and unfortunately I am speaking from personal experience.

I am now separated from my husband as a result of his infidelity. I didn't read your original post but gather from this thread that your circumstances are far more extreme than mine in terms of your fiancee's behaviour. I stayed with my husband for about a year after I found out about his emotional (possibly also physical but have never found out for sure) affair because we have a young child. We were in marriage counselling for most of that time. I wanted closure, I wanted him to show remorse, I wanted him to beg me for forgiveness, I wanted him to do everything he could to save our marriage.

None of that happened. Instead, I spent a year slowly going out of my mind as he continued to behave inappropriately and manipulate me into believing that it was my fault. He would say all the right things in marriage counselling and then continue with the same old behaviour afterwards. I didn't trust anything he said and was constantly searching for new evidence about what he had been up to, and I kept finding it. It was like death by a thousand cuts. I kept thinking that at some point he would "get it" because no reasonable person could think or behave the way that he does. But I have now realised that he will never get it because he is a complete narcissist. (I'm not sure whether this applies to your situation, but I did some reading on narcissistic personality disorder and it was a complete eye opener for me.) I am normally a very strong, capable person who does not put up with crap but I was completely broken by the time we finally split.

I completely understand why you feel the need for closure, but I honestly think you are unlikely to get it and you are likely to put yourself through hell trying to. Also, I would encourage you to think long and hard about what "closure" is for you. If I'm honest, I'm not sure that even if my husband had done all the things I wanted him to do that I could ever have trusted him again anyway. I was focussed on getting "closure" and on what he was or wasn't doing to save our marriage when I should have been focussed on my deal breakers in a marriage (dishonesty and infidelity being two of them). If I had done that, I would have left much sooner than I did.

I am sorry you went through this. I am inspired tht you moved on. I want counseling for the same reason you did. Perhaps I should reconsider,

 

[marygrace]

So glad you called off your wedding. Stay strong.

Just saw this and thought of you. Maybe this is the right place for your e-ring:

http://www.aol.com/video/moving-on-letting-go-and-making-money/517352868/?icid=maing-grid7|main5|video-module|sec3_lnk1|156646

neverlikeditanyway.com

That's hilarious. With my story, I'd probably be accused of being a troll. Lol.

 

[jaysonsmom]

Everyone has said everything I wanted to say...so all that is left is:

GOOD FOR YOU GIRL! YOU MADE THE RIGHT DECISION!

 

[Rhea]

Hey MG, was just thinking about you. Please update us on how your finals are going!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Good luck on your finals and very seriously, you need counseling after you move. A weekend counseling program with him is NUTS, I am sorry to say. Don't waste one more moment on him.