Kid question #2

[lambskin]

No excuse for this kid. He sounds like a spoiled brat who waited until the last possible minute to procure the camera-3 days- and left the responsibilty for mom to get the stuff he needed. Shame on the mom for not having him follow through with a thanks and shame on him for being an entitled sh*t. You are such an accomplished photographer and your help would have been invaluable-his loss.

 

[House Cat]

How do you reprimand a college age child for anything, let alone not sending a thank you note? My college age kids are adults. If I didn't raise them well enough by now, then they are going to have to figure out these lessons on their own. It's called LIFE. I am not going to be their mommy, yelling at them when they are 20+ years old. I respect my children and myself too much to behave that way.

 

[Queenie60]

I have an 18 year old and a 22 year old. I would never allow them to accept a gift and not reply to the giver. Kids these days are very rude and I say "shame on their parents" for not teaching them and riding their butts to acknowledge a gift. When someone takes the time to purchase or give something as generous as you have given, that should always be acknowledged. I am sorry that you had to experience this extreme rudeness - you're very generous and I hope that maybe someday you will at least receive a phone call from the sh....t head. I would contact the mother and ask her if the camera worked out for him??? You're a nice guy Kenny

 

[kenny]

... He sounds like a spoiled brat who waited until the last possible minute to procure the camera-3 days- and left the responsibilty for mom to get the stuff he needed. ...

FWIW the school or teacher is at fault for the short notice.
The kids were told Thursday to bring their cameras to class the following Monday.
The ridiculously short notice (especially for a 35mm FILM camera of only 2 brands, something not easy to find) was not the kid's fault.

 

[tuffyluvr]

... It was so generous of you to lend your equipment ...

Thanks, but the gear wasn't lent; it was given.

I very grateful for all the responses.
As usual it has helped me get this off my chest, flesh out the topic and understand a bit more.

Oopsie! For some reason I thought you gave it to him for the semester. It is just utterly RUDE and ungracious that he didn't thank you! You saved him *at least* a couple hundred bucks, and your gear is surely much nicer than anything he would have purchased used. A call to say 'thank you' is the least he owed you!

 

[purplesparklies]

I do believe a thank you was in order.

I wonder if this young man understands that photography is a passion of yours and that you take great pride in your equipment. Could it be that he thinks this was likely just old equipment tucked up in a closet somewhere and nearly forgotten? He may not realize the way you value the items and therefore not see it as the wonderful gift that it was.

 

[Jambalaya]

I'm not in the slightest bit fooled by the excuse that it's a generational thing. Every person with English as their first language knows the meaning and the use of the phrase "thank you." Words don't change their meaning according to your age, and "thank you" is one of the most well-known English terms the world over. And everybody knows that when something is done for you, you say thank-you or its equivalent in whichever language you use. Every language has a thank-you equivalent. When you choose not to say thank-you, you are choosing to be entitled, you are choosing to be ill-mannered, you are choosing to communicate that you are above the giver. The giver is so far beneath you that they give you a gift - something free that they paid their own hard-earned money for - and you don't need to say thank-you, because you are superior to the giver. That's what these little so-and-sos are saying. I feel very strongly about this. Being polite costs nothing. I simply cannot imagine any universe in which I am given luxurious camera equipment out of the kindness of someone's heart and I don't write a fulsome thank-you letter.

Ooooh, I would give that little boy what-for, I really would. Actually, I'd ask for the stuff back. I'd say that since I haven't heard from him, I assume that the equipment didn't mean that much to him and I know someone who could use it and be very grateful. Then I'd sell it on e-bay. This boy needs to learn a hard lesson.

And he may be post-18, but he is a little boy who can't use basic English phrase like thank-you. He's at college so he's never earned money, never paid bills, never run a household or has any idea of just how much life costs, and therefore how utterly grateful he should be that the perfect camera equipment for his course - by N-ikon no less - just fell into his lap like a gift from the gods.

I also don't agree that it was a favor for his mother and she did the thanking so it's OK. She is infantilizing him by doing his thanking for him......and the camera equipment is for HIS course, not his mother's.

Shame on him and shame on the parent.

If I were you, Kenny, I'd find it very difficult to continue to be friends with this family. I can't get past such a basic and appalling lack of respect and manners. They must think very poorly of you.

 

[amc80]

Even my 3 year old knows to say thank you for everything. We started teaching him please and thank you from the time he could first talk. He may be a butthead, but damnit, he will be a polite butthead. His teacher told me she uses him as an example of good manners for the rest of the class, because none of the other kids do it. I guess it was just a priority for us.

This "kid" is an adult and he is beyond rude. The fact that it is likely generational doesn't excuse it.

I think I would play dumb and ask the mom if he got the equipment, since you haven't heard from him despite multiple requests.

 

[Jambalaya]

Even my 3 year old knows to say thank you for everything. We started teaching him please and thank you from the time he could first talk. He may be a butthead, but damnit, he will be a polite butthead. His teacher told me she uses him as an example of good manners for the rest of the class, because none of the other kids do it. I guess it was just a priority for us.

This "kid" is an adult and he is beyond rude. The fact that it is likely generational doesn't excuse it.

I think I would play dumb and ask the mom if he got the equipment, since you haven't heard from him despite multiple requests.

Exactly.

 

[House Cat]

I'm not in the slightest bit fooled by the excuse that it's a generational thing. Every person with English as their first language knows the meaning and the use of the phrase "thank you." Words don't change their meaning according to your age, and "thank you" is one of the most well-known English terms the world over. And everybody knows that when something is done for you, you say thank-you or its equivalent in whichever language you use. Every language has a thank-you equivalent. When you choose not to say thank-you, you are choosing to be entitled, you are choosing to be ill-mannered, you are choosing to communicate that you are above the giver. The giver is so far beneath you that they give you a gift - something free that they paid their own hard-earned money for - and you don't need to say thank-you, because you are superior to the giver. That's what these little so-and-sos are saying. I feel very strongly about this. Being polite costs nothing. I simply cannot imagine any universe in which I am given luxurious camera equipment out of the kindness of someone's heart and I don't write a fulsome thank-you letter.

Ooooh, I would give that little boy what-for, I really would. Actually, I'd ask for the stuff back. I'd say that since I haven't heard from him, I assume that the equipment didn't mean that much to him and I know someone who could use it and be very grateful. Then I'd sell it on e-bay. This boy needs to learn a hard lesson.

And he may be post-18, but he is a little boy who can't use basic English phrase like thank-you. He's at college so he's never earned money, never paid bills, never run a household or has any idea of just how much life costs, and therefore how utterly grateful he should be that the perfect camera equipment for his course - by N-ikon no less - just fell into his lap like a gift from the gods.

I also don't agree that it was a favor for his mother and she did the thanking so it's OK. She is infantilizing him by doing his thanking for him......and the camera equipment is for HIS course, not his mother's.

Shame on him and shame on the parent.

If I were you, Kenny, I'd find it very difficult to continue to be friends with this family. I can't get past such a basic and appalling lack of respect and manners. They must think very poorly of you.

See, maybe this is due to my own personal issues, but your post hits every raw nerve I have.


As I said, I grew up with a woman who only gave with strings attached. You sound almost exactly like her.

You would really give someone a gift and if they didn't properly thank you, you would call them up and demand the gift be returned? You would really do that? Do you realize how low you stoop when you do something like this? AND it proves that the gift was given for self-promotion, not out of the goodness of your own heart. When this is done, this isn't a gift at all, it is a DEBT! The worst part is that it is a debt that the recipient never even signed up for!

Gift giving isn't about the recipient's reaction, it is about wanting to do something nice for another person out of the kindness of your heart, PERIOD, END OF STORY. If you feel that YOU are ENTITLED to some other sort of behavior out of the recipient because you gave them a gift, it is YOU that has the issue.

 

[Trekkie]

I don't really have anything of value to add, but I thought I'd point out that this:

Every language has a thank-you equivalent.

is not quite true

In my second language there is no word for thank you. Nor is there in any of its sister languages. The English colonised us and forced us to use a word as "thank you" that actually means something entirely different, but until then we had existed quite happily for hundreds of years without thank-yous.

Not really relevant to the discussion, but a fun little factoid to share with you all.

 

[smitcompton]

Hi,

I see I ignored relevant info in my last post. If our student was only given 3 days to get this equipment, I do think he is using it. I also did not realize that a modern camera would be a digital camera, as I am not at all savvy about cameras in general. If the Nikon would do the job, I'll bet he is happy with it. I was too stern in my assessment. I have nieces who sometimes ignore my questions or even acknowledge getting a gift. I have to ask if they received it. I still think you should ask the mother if he is using it and liking it.


Annette

 

[kenny]

Trekkie that's fascinating.
Thanks for sharing.
I'm very surprised a culture could have no word for thank you.
It's so automatic, natural, but sometimes dangerous to assume one's values are universal!
I'll tell ya, the older I get the more that people vary thing comes up and bites me in the butt.
... just when I think I'm so good at respecting diversity too.

Actually it's my people vary thing that prompted this thread.
Maybe not thanking is another thing to 'respect'.
This thread has confirmed my suspicion that there IS some difference between the generations on this topic ... and that it drives some of us batty.
I suspect the older we are the more likely it is to annoy us. (shall we discuss 'phone manners' next?)

This thread has touched nerves and pulled up some surprisingly strong emotions and feelings.
Yes, I'm disappointed in the kid, but I'm not going to get all bent out of shape or cause a scene.
My expectations are my problem, but yeah I wouldn't give him anything additional.

But this kid is not his parent.

His mom is one of the finest people I have ever met.
I've 'known' her for around 15 years the way you 'know' me, but on another forum.
This forum format can reveal a lot about a person if you're the transparent type, like I think I am.

Around 7 years ago I posted on that forum I was going to be doing some traveling.
She sent me a PM inviting me to stay with her family for a week since it was in her corner of the country.
I was floored.

The visit was wonderful.
I've posted I once taught a teen how to figure out guitar chords by ear by listening to a song.
It was her other son.
Since then he's devoured guitar and music and she to this day expresses her gratitude for the gift I gave her son even though it was just an hour I spent alone with him.
During that visit I also left a Taylor Baby guitar with him (of course after asking permission from the two parents, in private).
Another nice gift.

I'm old.
I'll never have kids and it touches me to give something, that has importance to me, to kids when the rare opportunity presents itself.
So yeah me getting 'touched' is my reward, but a thanks is a nice gesture too.

Again thanks for all the posts here.

 

[Jambalaya]

I'm not in the slightest bit fooled by the excuse that it's a generational thing. Every person with English as their first language knows the meaning and the use of the phrase "thank you." Words don't change their meaning according to your age, and "thank you" is one of the most well-known English terms the world over. And everybody knows that when something is done for you, you say thank-you or its equivalent in whichever language you use. Every language has a thank-you equivalent. When you choose not to say thank-you, you are choosing to be entitled, you are choosing to be ill-mannered, you are choosing to communicate that you are above the giver. The giver is so far beneath you that they give you a gift - something free that they paid their own hard-earned money for - and you don't need to say thank-you, because you are superior to the giver. That's what these little so-and-sos are saying. I feel very strongly about this. Being polite costs nothing. I simply cannot imagine any universe in which I am given luxurious camera equipment out of the kindness of someone's heart and I don't write a fulsome thank-you letter.

Ooooh, I would give that little boy what-for, I really would. Actually, I'd ask for the stuff back. I'd say that since I haven't heard from him, I assume that the equipment didn't mean that much to him and I know someone who could use it and be very grateful. Then I'd sell it on e-bay. This boy needs to learn a hard lesson.

And he may be post-18, but he is a little boy who can't use basic English phrase like thank-you. He's at college so he's never earned money, never paid bills, never run a household or has any idea of just how much life costs, and therefore how utterly grateful he should be that the perfect camera equipment for his course - by N-ikon no less - just fell into his lap like a gift from the gods.

I also don't agree that it was a favor for his mother and she did the thanking so it's OK. She is infantilizing him by doing his thanking for him......and the camera equipment is for HIS course, not his mother's.

Shame on him and shame on the parent.

If I were you, Kenny, I'd find it very difficult to continue to be friends with this family. I can't get past such a basic and appalling lack of respect and manners. They must think very poorly of you.

See, maybe this is due to my own personal issues, but your post hits every raw nerve I have.


As I said, I grew up with a woman who only gave with strings attached. You sound almost exactly like her.

You would really give someone a gift and if they didn't properly thank you, you would call them up and demand the gift be returned? You would really do that? Do you realize how low you stoop when you do something like this? AND it proves that the gift was given for self-promotion, not out of the goodness of your own heart. When this is done, this isn't a gift at all, it is a DEBT! The worst part is that it is a debt that the recipient never even signed up for!

Gift giving isn't about the recipient's reaction, it is about wanting to do something nice for another person out of the kindness of your heart, PERIOD, END OF STORY. If you feel that YOU are ENTITLED to some other sort of behavior out of the recipient because you gave them a gift, it is YOU that has the issue.

Obviously you're welcome to read anything you like into what I say. I stand by my argument that not saying thank-you for a luxurious gift like Kenny gave is the height of rudeness and this kid should learn some manners.

 

[Jambalaya]

I don't really have anything of value to add, but I thought I'd point out that this:

Every language has a thank-you equivalent.

is not quite true

In my second language there is no word for thank you. Nor is there in any of its sister languages. The English colonised us and forced us to use a word as "thank you" that actually means something entirely different, but until then we had existed quite happily for hundreds of years without thank-yous.

Not really relevant to the discussion, but a fun little factoid to share with you all.

That's really interesting, trekkie. Ha ha, when I wrote "every" I knew there'd probably be some exceptions! But feeling thanks, feeling gratitude for something that someone has done for you - whatever you want to call it - is an emotion, too. When you want to express thanks or feeling grateful or acknowledge a kindness in the languages you're talking about, how do you do that? Is there a phrase that means something similar to thank you?

 

[Laila619]

How do you reprimand a college age child for anything, let alone not sending a thank you note? My college age kids are adults. If I didn't raise them well enough by now, then they are going to have to figure out these lessons on their own. It's called LIFE. I am not going to be their mommy, yelling at them when they are 20+ years old. I respect my children and myself too much to behave that way.

You don't need to yell at them. I'd just tell my son it was inconsiderate to not write some sort of thank you note or e-mail.

 

[House Cat]

I'm not in the slightest bit fooled by the excuse that it's a generational thing. Every person with English as their first language knows the meaning and the use of the phrase "thank you." Words don't change their meaning according to your age, and "thank you" is one of the most well-known English terms the world over. And everybody knows that when something is done for you, you say thank-you or its equivalent in whichever language you use. Every language has a thank-you equivalent. When you choose not to say thank-you, you are choosing to be entitled, you are choosing to be ill-mannered, you are choosing to communicate that you are above the giver. The giver is so far beneath you that they give you a gift - something free that they paid their own hard-earned money for - and you don't need to say thank-you, because you are superior to the giver. That's what these little so-and-sos are saying. I feel very strongly about this. Being polite costs nothing. I simply cannot imagine any universe in which I am given luxurious camera equipment out of the kindness of someone's heart and I don't write a fulsome thank-you letter.

Ooooh, I would give that little boy what-for, I really would. Actually, I'd ask for the stuff back. I'd say that since I haven't heard from him, I assume that the equipment didn't mean that much to him and I know someone who could use it and be very grateful. Then I'd sell it on e-bay. This boy needs to learn a hard lesson.

And he may be post-18, but he is a little boy who can't use basic English phrase like thank-you. He's at college so he's never earned money, never paid bills, never run a household or has any idea of just how much life costs, and therefore how utterly grateful he should be that the perfect camera equipment for his course - by N-ikon no less - just fell into his lap like a gift from the gods.

I also don't agree that it was a favor for his mother and she did the thanking so it's OK. She is infantilizing him by doing his thanking for him......and the camera equipment is for HIS course, not his mother's.

Shame on him and shame on the parent.

If I were you, Kenny, I'd find it very difficult to continue to be friends with this family. I can't get past such a basic and appalling lack of respect and manners. They must think very poorly of you.

See, maybe this is due to my own personal issues, but your post hits every raw nerve I have.


As I said, I grew up with a woman who only gave with strings attached. You sound almost exactly like her.

You would really give someone a gift and if they didn't properly thank you, you would call them up and demand the gift be returned? You would really do that? Do you realize how low you stoop when you do something like this? AND it proves that the gift was given for self-promotion, not out of the goodness of your own heart. When this is done, this isn't a gift at all, it is a DEBT! The worst part is that it is a debt that the recipient never even signed up for!

Gift giving isn't about the recipient's reaction, it is about wanting to do something nice for another person out of the kindness of your heart, PERIOD, END OF STORY. If you feel that YOU are ENTITLED to some other sort of behavior out of the recipient because you gave them a gift, it is YOU that has the issue.

Obviously you're welcome to read anything you like into what I say. I stand by my argument that not saying thank-you for a luxurious gift like Kenny gave is the height of rudeness and this kid should learn some manners.

You're big on manners J. I have heard you refer to manners quite a bit on this forum. They seem to be the reason for quite a bit of your anger.

Tell me, what kind of manners are you displaying when you call someone up and demand that they return a gift?

 

[House Cat]

How do you reprimand a college age child for anything, let alone not sending a thank you note? My college age kids are adults. If I didn't raise them well enough by now, then they are going to have to figure out these lessons on their own. It's called LIFE. I am not going to be their mommy, yelling at them when they are 20+ years old. I respect my children and myself too much to behave that way.

You don't need to yell at them. I'd just tell my son it was inconsiderate to not write some sort of thank you note or e-mail.

I agree with this, but a lot of people on this thread have responded that they would do much more than "tell" their kids that they were being inconsiderate.

It is my view that if your college age kid doesn't take the time to send a thank you for gifts received, then they will learn from their behavior very quickly when the gifts stop coming. Like I said, that's life.

It isn't necessary to take our adult children's behavior personally. I know that I raised really good people. If you know that, there is no problem. I know they still need guidance, but I am not going to hover over them at this age. They need to figure this life out, just like we all did at this age.

 

[purplesparklies]

Ooooh, I would give that little boy what-for, I really would. Actually, I'd ask for the stuff back. I'd say that since I haven't heard from him, I assume that the equipment didn't mean that much to him and I know someone who could use it and be very grateful. Then I'd sell it on e-bay. .

I think it is very easy to make grand statements about what you would do under someone else's circumstances. I suspect you would not actually do any of this based on some of your recent posts. If I'm not mistaken, weren't you the poster who was unable to speak up for yourself to a relative who was way out of bounds in his comments to you?

Yes, the kid should have thanked Kenny but I think it is important to keep things in perspective. Just for personal sanity. When we allow ourselves to blow minor irritations into grand personal grievances we are only doing ourselves a disservice. Life is too short to give anyone else that much power over your emotions.

I would certainly hope that you were exaggerating in saying you would not be able to be friends with an entire family over one teenager's transgression. That seems extraordinarily harsh and shortsighted. Life is better when one is able to moderate their moods and stay even-keeled in the face of challenge.

Who knows what extenuating circumstances there may be? There may be absolutely nothing personal about this oversight. Perhaps there have been unfortunate occurrences as of late. It happens. For instance, my father-in-law passed away unexpectedly mid-October. My older son had his Confirmation late October so we had a houseful of visitors from out-of-town. I had surgery early November. My husband has a medical issue that came on suddenly Monday night and required a procedure yesterday afternoon. To say that our lives have been chaotic would be a major understatement. We have been managing the basics but I'm sure we have unintentionally let some things fall through the cracks. If a perceived slight causes a friend to end a friendship then that person was not a true friend.

 

[Jambalaya]

I'm not in the slightest bit fooled by the excuse that it's a generational thing. Every person with English as their first language knows the meaning and the use of the phrase "thank you." Words don't change their meaning according to your age, and "thank you" is one of the most well-known English terms the world over. And everybody knows that when something is done for you, you say thank-you or its equivalent in whichever language you use. Every language has a thank-you equivalent. When you choose not to say thank-you, you are choosing to be entitled, you are choosing to be ill-mannered, you are choosing to communicate that you are above the giver. The giver is so far beneath you that they give you a gift - something free that they paid their own hard-earned money for - and you don't need to say thank-you, because you are superior to the giver. That's what these little so-and-sos are saying. I feel very strongly about this. Being polite costs nothing. I simply cannot imagine any universe in which I am given luxurious camera equipment out of the kindness of someone's heart and I don't write a fulsome thank-you letter.

Ooooh, I would give that little boy what-for, I really would. Actually, I'd ask for the stuff back. I'd say that since I haven't heard from him, I assume that the equipment didn't mean that much to him and I know someone who could use it and be very grateful. Then I'd sell it on e-bay. This boy needs to learn a hard lesson.

And he may be post-18, but he is a little boy who can't use basic English phrase like thank-you. He's at college so he's never earned money, never paid bills, never run a household or has any idea of just how much life costs, and therefore how utterly grateful he should be that the perfect camera equipment for his course - by N-ikon no less - just fell into his lap like a gift from the gods.

I also don't agree that it was a favor for his mother and she did the thanking so it's OK. She is infantilizing him by doing his thanking for him......and the camera equipment is for HIS course, not his mother's.

Shame on him and shame on the parent.

If I were you, Kenny, I'd find it very difficult to continue to be friends with this family. I can't get past such a basic and appalling lack of respect and manners. They must think very poorly of you.

See, maybe this is due to my own personal issues, but your post hits every raw nerve I have.


As I said, I grew up with a woman who only gave with strings attached. You sound almost exactly like her.

You would really give someone a gift and if they didn't properly thank you, you would call them up and demand the gift be returned? You would really do that? Do you realize how low you stoop when you do something like this? AND it proves that the gift was given for self-promotion, not out of the goodness of your own heart. When this is done, this isn't a gift at all, it is a DEBT! The worst part is that it is a debt that the recipient never even signed up for!

Gift giving isn't about the recipient's reaction, it is about wanting to do something nice for another person out of the kindness of your heart, PERIOD, END OF STORY. If you feel that YOU are ENTITLED to some other sort of behavior out of the recipient because you gave them a gift, it is YOU that has the issue.

Obviously you're welcome to read anything you like into what I say. I stand by my argument that not saying thank-you for a luxurious gift like Kenny gave is the height of rudeness and this kid should learn some manners.

You're big on manners J. I have heard you refer to manners quite a bit on this forum. They seem to be the reason for quite a bit of your anger.

Tell me, what kind of manners are you displaying when you call someone up and demand that they return a gift?

Housecat, you can take me to task for my opinion as much as you like but I am not going to get into it with you. Focusing back on the issue at hand, the camera equipment was a luxurious gift that cost Kenny hard-earned money. Money doesn't grow on trees. The kid not thanking Kenny was a real insult. Or perhaps he just thinks that luxury goods should just fall into his lap. His lack of a simple thank-you indicates that this may be so.

 

[Jambalaya]

Ooooh, I would give that little boy what-for, I really would. Actually, I'd ask for the stuff back. I'd say that since I haven't heard from him, I assume that the equipment didn't mean that much to him and I know someone who could use it and be very grateful. Then I'd sell it on e-bay. .

I think it is very easy to make grand statements about what you would do under someone else's circumstances. I suspect you would not actually do any of this based on some of your recent posts. If I'm not mistaken, weren't you the poster who was unable to speak up for yourself to a relative who was way out of bounds in his comments to you?

Yes, the kid should have thanked Kenny but I think it is important to keep things in perspective. Just for personal sanity. When we allow ourselves to blow minor irritations into grand personal grievances we are only doing ourselves a disservice. Life is too short to give anyone else that much power over your emotions.

I would certainly hope that you were exaggerating in saying you would not be able to be friends with an entire family over one teenager's transgression. That seems extraordinarily harsh and shortsighted. Life is better when one is able to moderate their moods and stay even-keeled in the face of challenge.

Who knows what extenuating circumstances there may be? There may be absolutely nothing personal about this oversight. Perhaps there have been unfortunate occurrences as of late. It happens. For instance, my father-in-law passed away unexpectedly mid-October. My older son had his Confirmation late October so we had a houseful of visitors from out-of-town. I had surgery early November. My husband has a medical issue that came on suddenly Monday night and required a procedure yesterday afternoon. To say that our lives have been chaotic would be a major understatement. We have been managing the basics but I'm sure we have unintentionally let some things fall through the cracks. If a perceived slight causes a friend to end a friendship then that person was not a true friend.

The relative is different. He's 90 and I don't want to give him a heart attack. Also he has been very kind to me in my life. Just drives me crazy on occasion. Agree it's easy to make grand statements. But you know, that camera equipment was amazing - it's Nikon, too! - and it just fell into the kid's lap from a great height at the right time, and he can't even say thank-you? But I have a whole branch of family like this, and they are so arrogant and entitled that I don't really bother with them. "Little" things like not saying thank-you for a really wonderful gift are not little things after all. They are insights into a person's character, and their levels of arrogance and self-absorption.

 

[kenny]

Ooooh, I would give that little boy what-for, I really would. Actually, I'd ask for the stuff back. I'd say that since I haven't heard from him, I assume that the equipment didn't mean that much to him and I know someone who could use it and be very grateful. Then I'd sell it on e-bay. .

I think it is very easy to make grand statements about what you would do under someone else's circumstances. I suspect you would not actually do any of this based on some of your recent posts. If I'm not mistaken, weren't you the poster who was unable to speak up for yourself to a relative who was way out of bounds in his comments to you?

Yes, the kid should have thanked Kenny but I think it is important to keep things in perspective. Just for personal sanity. When we allow ourselves to blow minor irritations into grand personal grievances we are only doing ourselves a disservice. Life is too short to give anyone else that much power over your emotions.

I would certainly hope that you were exaggerating in saying you would not be able to be friends with an entire family over one teenager's transgression. That seems extraordinarily harsh and shortsighted. Life is better when one is able to moderate their moods and stay even-keeled in the face of challenge.

Who knows what extenuating circumstances there may be? There may be absolutely nothing personal about this oversight. Perhaps there have been unfortunate occurrences as of late. It happens. For instance, my father-in-law passed away unexpectedly mid-October. My older son had his Confirmation late October so we had a houseful of visitors from out-of-town. I had surgery early November. My husband has a medical issue that came on suddenly Monday night and required a procedure yesterday afternoon. To say that our lives have been chaotic would be a major understatement. We have been managing the basics but I'm sure we have unintentionally let some things fall through the cracks. If a perceived slight causes a friend to end a friendship then that person was not a true friend.

Good point.

Frankly his mom is going through a bitter divorce now.
She was very very worried about the effect it'll have on her 3 boys.
Camera-boy is her youngest.

 

[monarch64]

Kenny, sorry to hear your friend is going through a bitter divorce. Yes, that will surely affect her boys, especially the youngest having to think about that while in college worrying about college things.

Regarding this situation (again,) yes, it would be great if the 18 year old Kenny so generously gave very nice camera/equipment to would have been gracious enough to reply to his message as well as thank him personally, but that hasn't happened. To approach that perceived wrong with contempt and vitriol in some sort of retaliation is even more ungracious, though. None of us are perfect. We all make mistakes and hopefully learn from them. In this case, let's hope that at some point the recipient of the camera and equipment does reach out to Kenny and acknowledges the very generous gift.

I also want to point out (sorry if this has been brought up already) that it's entirely possible that the package with the camera, etc. were opened, and in his haste, the recipient misplaced, lost, or threw out the note Kenny included accidentally? And then it slipped his mind in all the hubbub of classes and assignments and college life to ask his mom how to contact Kenny? And that maybe, after all this time, he feels embarrassed that he lost the note and it has been too long now to bother contacting Kenny/saying thank you? Just trying to think like a college kid who is probably dealing with a fair amount of stress and perhaps not having such an easy time navigating college as well as his parents' divorce.

My mother raised us to always write thank you notes, even if the giver was someone we saw every day. I have received two thank yous in the mail from my mother this week--one for bringing a homemade dessert to her Thanksgiving dinner, and another for her recent birthday present and for visiting her. Note: she is also in her seventies and has time to do these things! I try to write thank you notes as necessary, but boy...sometimes I fail. I hope I don't have people out there who are raging with anger over me! I don't expect notes from anyone I give things to, and often do not receive them. If I do receive them, sometimes they arrive much later than Miss Manners would deem appropriate. Oh well. I just can't get worked up over this, miffed as I might be about not having my gift acknowledged.

I don't mean to dismiss anyone's opinion here or say their feelings aren't valid. We all have our peeves. In light of all the tragedies in the world recently, this seems a rather insignificant thing to get particularly upset over.

Kenny, I wish your friend the best and hope that the divorce isn't too hard on her sons. You were very kind to do what you did for her son and it's unfortunate that he didn't contact you to hear what you wanted to tell him about the accessories. I'm sure you aren't losing sleep over it, but it's good that you got to talk it out here.

 

[kenny]

Thanks, Mon.

 

[purplesparklies]

Kenny, how awful for your friend and her boys. I hope all of them are able to find strength and peace during such a difficult time. As an adult whose parents divorced during my childhood, I know it isn't easy for anyone involved and the challenges persist long after the divorce is final.

Thank you for being a light in their lives and for showing that young man kindness. Even if he does not say the words, I'm sure the equipment is much appreciated and he will think of you kindly when he uses it.

 

[monarch64]

Thanks, Mon.

You're welcome. To make up for this most ungracious behavior on the part of a boy whose got some learnin' to do, I present you a dark, hairy man and a dark chocolate, salted caramel pie for everyone to share.

 

[kenny]

Thanks, Mon.

You're welcome. To make up for this most ungracious behavior on the part of a boy whose got some learnin' to do, I present you a dark, hairy man and a dark chocolate, salted caramel pie for everyone to share.

OH MY!
Decisions Decisions!

How 'bout I compromise?
You send both over and I'll just lay on my back while he feeds me sweetness.

 

[Jambalaya]

The thing is, this wasn't a small gift. It wasn't a pie that Kenny baked for his birthday or a $20 gift card. It was a whole bunch of pro Nikon camera gear that has helped the kid in his college course, translating into much-needed course credit. I don't think that his parents' divorce excuses him from writing a thank-you letter to Kenny.

We do the younger generation no favors at all in the long run when we make excuses for their shabby behavior.

 

[aljdewey]

You know, my 8-track player was top of the line too (once upon a time), and it was flawless even as it sat in my attic for years.

By no means am I trying to minimize Kenny's thoughtfulness or the magnitude of what he provided to that kid. I've been in a similar spot; I had really nice film equipment in my attic that hadn't seen the light of day for years, which I gifted to a friend's daughter who was majoring in graphic arts. Though precious to me and costly when it was relevant, it was definitely not among anyone's hot seller list anymore, as Kenny's wasn't.

(In my instnace, the recipient did extend a thank-you; I wasn't expecting it and was pleasantly surprised. I knew her parents had taught her well, but I wouldn't have jumped to blame them if she hadn't thanked me. Parents teach their kids what should be, but they can't demand perfect judgment/execution.)

This isn't about value though; honestly, one could argue that Kenny's gift was perhaps more valuable in this instance since film cameras are much harder to come by these days and were required for the course.

Yes, the kid should have given a thank you.......but, I'm sure we ALL could find cringe-worthy transgressions in our youth that we'd handle much differently with the hindsight of some years under the belt. Youth isn't an excuse, but it is enough to warrant a bit of recognition that he is still a *young* adult who will make mistakes that are not basis for declaring character defects. And, if we're going to expect acceptable behaviors from young adults, then I'd hope one of the behaviors we expect from more seasoned adults is patience and mercy.

 

[missy]

In my opinion the value of a gift does not determine if a gift is worthy of a thank you. The value does not matter in the way that the thought behind it does and the generosity of the gesture. Honestly the parent is at fault as much as the kid is if not more. It is from the parent one learns one's values up to a certain point that is. Depending on the age of the child of course as by a certain age it is on the child much more so and then entirely up the child as compared to the parent of course.

So no it is not OK the child/young adult did not acknowledge the kindness of Kenny's gift with a simple thank you nor respond to his requests to contact him. Doubly rude. And I don't think it is OK just because it is a "generational" thing. That does not give it any more license as acceptable behavior as does saying it is a "guy" thing when men are clueless about certain things as discussed in previous threads. Men will be men and this generation will be rude and clueless about polite and respectful behavior? Ummm not OK and that is not a reasonable or good excuse. IMO.