jealousy in a relationship

[livannie]

Do you ever get jealous in your marriage or relationship over stupid things? My husband told me a co-worker asked him today in a text message if he could give her a ride to work tomorrow. He told me he has given her rides before. And he told me tonight he wanted to make sure he told me about it so I wouldn't be suspicious if I saw their text messages. I just get jealous easily probably because of the divorce of my parents and I hate being a jealous person. I think I get like that also because he works so much, I pretty much just get to see him Sundays only and wish we had more time together. I know I sound stupid. Just want to know if I am the only one who is so sensitive.I trust my husband and can't picture him ever cheating or anything, I just get jealous if he pays another girl attention at all for some reason.

 

[TooPatient]

Gah!!!!

Big post eaten


Short answer is -- NO you are NOT alone.


My DH knows that he is NOT to EVER EVER EVER give a ride to a female, take her to lunch/coffee, chat socially with her, or any other non-work related thing. Ever.
He knows he is also to NOT get a ride with a female co-worker even to a team lunch. Ever.

Work-related discussion is his office or her office (or co-worker office) NOT in any sort of arms' reach with the door OPEN -- fine.
Anything else -- Absolutely not. Period.


LONG backstory. May come re-type later if this one posts...



ETA --

It posted!

Backstory (well, backstory involving DH -- I've got more) --

DH used to take a "just friend" to lunch 2-3 times per week, talk on the phone almost nightly, attend events together, etc. He even spent time in her home helping her prepare holiday dinners (that I was not invited to but DH was). She'd cancel lunch if she knew I was coming. She invited him to dinners and activities but specifically did NOT invite me. (yes... I sat alone watching TV while eating microwaved food for a couple of holidays ). He'd come home and not eat dinner because they had a late lunch.

This woman was married but it was CLEAR she was looking for an upgrade. She wanted a guy with a college degree (said loudly in front of her husband) who could actually make money. (to be fair to her husband, he had some sort of degree and was making $80,000+ per year...)

DH says nothing happened, but all of the sudden he quit talking to her very often. He actually said one day that he saw I was correct and it wasn't healthy.



I feel VERY VERY strongly that the marriage comes first. If you want to socialize with a co-worker of the opposite sex, invite them and their spouse to a bbq or coffee or something as COUPLES to form a friendship among all.

Thankfully after that mess (mentioned above), DH agrees.

 

[livannie]

Wow TooPatient! I could not have handled what you did. I am glad your husband realized it was wrong and stopped.
I, myself, don't think I'd ever ask a married man for a ride. I would try to imagine how that would make his wife feel. My mom has always told me to trust no woman around my husband, so now I question every woman's motives that seems even just a liitle bit friendly with my husband. He had another co-worker who had recently gotten divorced that would keep asking him to go to her house and fix her car. I would get a little upset about it and he would get mad at me and I felt dumb being mean to this poor divorced woman. She has asked him a few times and would come by with cookies for my husband as payment. My husband is a really friendly person, that's what I liked about him when we first met, but I just don't like him being too friendly with other women. But I hate being a jealous person at the same time.

 

[sonnyjane]

This topic comes up every so often here on PS. While there have been specific incidents where one woman in particular crossed a line repeatedly with my husband (so she is now blacklisted lol), I wouldn't go so far as to forbid him from having solo interactions with ANY woman. I have lost at least half a dozen close friendships with men, men I had no attraction to whatsoever but went to school with and had a lot in common with, because their wives were jealous and "forbade it". It really sucks.

 

[TooPatient]

I know what you mean. I hate feeling like a jealous person and it gets frustrating sometimes when DH thinks it is dumb because it is "just being friendly" but it is SOOOOooo easy to have it go from there.

Maybe he can fix her car but you come along to help her fix dinner or pull some weeds? At the very least, I'd be likely to drop in with some lemonade or something unannounced. (he may be great, but the gesture would likely put any thoughts out of her head)

I like finding the compromise so everyone gets what they need and no one feels uncomfortable or hurt or unable to do stuff.... whenever reasonable.
But I don't put up with other women crossing reasonable boundaries.



I agree about not asking a married man for a ride. For that matter, I would not ask a man for a ride unless there was not a woman available and then I'd be more prone to call a taxi. (a taxi from anywhere I'm likely to be back home again would be $20 or less so not a huge expense for a rare thing). I don't like to leave anything open to misinterpretation.


I love the friendliness and am also a person who likes to help others, but there are certain lines and I think it is more in how the friendliness comes across and the specific circumstances. For example, I helped a guy in the wine department the other day but it was a quick conversation just telling him what stores in the area have kosher wine and "DH and I order our wine from ____". That sort of interaction is harmless and doesn't lead to any sort of potential misunderstanding. (I don't know his name, have never met him before, was no closer than 5 feet at any time, mentioned in passing I'm married (while wearing rings), etc)

Hard to explain!


Teaching DH where those boundaries are ("How would you feel if it had been me in that situation with a guy?") was (and is) a long road!


General guidelines:
If a woman walks up and you let her kiss you, I WILL flatten her. (This actually happened once... -- minus the flattening... hence the fair warning! --- This scrawny woman ran down the hall, kissed him, and ran off without so much as introducing herself to me or even saying "Hi.". He proceeded to blush and try to downplay the whole thing..... Oh.... He'd also visited her alone in her apartment while her husband was out.)
Handshake okay. Hug, NOT okay. Kiss..... see the first guideline.



Okay....
Reading that and remembering other stuff, I have to say...... WTF is wrong with these MARRIED women!?!?!?
Heck...... WTF gives running up and kissing a man (on the lips!) who is clearly with someone?!?!
Since WHEN is kissing other women, visiting ALONE in their homes, and going out on what would be called "dates" if both parties were single considered okay?!?!?

 

[TooPatient]

This topic comes up every so often here on PS. While there have been specific incidents where one woman in particular crossed a line repeatedly with my husband (so she is now blacklisted lol), I wouldn't go so far as to forbid him from having solo interactions with ANY woman. I have lost at least half a dozen close friendships with men, men I had no attraction to whatsoever but went to school with and had a lot in common with, because their wives were jealous and "forbade it". It really sucks.

This is exactly the sort of situation where I would encourage bbq or coffee or theater or dinner or whatever with both couples (or even group of friends). If husband & wife are friends with the person it feels a lot more okay and less likely to be an issue.

 

[kenny]

My SO of 13-years is SUPER jealous, though I have never done anything to warrant it.
His ex cheated on him.

It really really sucks for me.

My ex cheated on me too, but somehow it dawned on me that my SO and my ex are different people so I do not abuse my SO in this way.

 

[Dancing Fire]

So many jealous PSers...

 

[TooPatient]

My SO of 13-years is SUPER jealous, though I have never done anything to warrant it.
His ex cheated on him.

It really really sucks for me.

My ex cheated on me too, but somehow it dawned on me that my SO and my ex are different people so I do not abuse my SO in this way.

I'm glad you are able to move past hurt feelings so well. I think each of us handles emotions differently and I feel that a lot of how you move on has to do with the current relationship also.

Calling discomfort and requests to not have social contact one-on-one with someone who could become a temptation at some point abuse seems a bit much. We each have our quirks and pain from past experiences. DH does not enjoy watching movies of a certain sort (regarding family life) because of the painful memories so even though I very much enjoy that sort of movie, we do not watch them. I don't want to do something that would make him uncomfortable. That should go both ways.

If you look at two people interacting, it is the little stuff that sends signals from one to the other. There are some people out there who are "just friendly" in a way that is easily interpreted as flirting (often with the general feel of looking for a relationship, not just a "harmless flirtation"). When those people are around others with a tendency towards the same thing, interactions can quickly go beyond what most people would consider "friendly" and into topics/behaviors that most people would consider inappropriate for those in a committed relationship. Usually, neither person means anything by it. They probably both just see it as "friendly".


Kenny,
I'm not trying to say you are wrong for feeling it really really sucks for you. In fact, it does! Since you feel that way, it is absolutely correct.
I just wanted to explain how it can be less easy for some of us to let go of past hurts and fears for the future. I guess a good way to put it would be that I feel like my DH is SUCH a good guy and SO nice and sees the good so easily in others that I am afraid he won't recognize when someone is looking for more than just friendship.



ETA:
I think it is important for people to recognize jealousy when they feel it and acknowledge that feeling to their partner. Talking about it and (where possible) finding a compromise that makes everyone happy (along with recognizing what is NOT something you can or should compromise on) is a much healthier approach than suffering and being angry/hurt/fearful in silence. It is only through recognizing the feelings and being open with each other that you can both be fully aware and have a relationship that works.
People are different. What one person is comfortable with may be very uncomfortable for the next. Talking and being open means that both are able to share and work together to find the solution that works for them.
Heck, I feel a lot better when DH talks about the women he used to work with just like the men. If it is just part of normal conversation it feels like there is nothing hidden and they really are JUST co-workers.

 

[Circe]

Not by the standards already discussed, no. Half of my closest friends have been men. I'm bi. By these standards, I wouldn't be allowed to have any friends, at all, ever!

A friend's ex was very jealous. Apparently, once, she asked him if he ever thought about a mutual friend during sex. Aaaaand now try NOT to think of a blue-eyed polar bear! I feel like that mentality can introduce illicit thoughts where nine had existed previously. No, nothing ever happened with the mutual friend: yes, they did eventually break up, as they were one completely different pages about many things, including, but not limited to jealousy.

I think that's actually the most important thing - that both partners share an outlook when it comes to this, or are at least close enough to find empathy for one another. My first boyfriend was the jealous type, and I found it stifling and insulting. But if I'd been the jealous type back? I guess we would have had a happy, sex-segregated life, where he only had guy friends, and I only had girl friends. But as that wasn't the case ... I'm happier with me and my husband both having friends of various genders, and sharing those friendships to expand our mutual social circle. If either of us ever felt like things were crossing into an uncomfortable level of intimacy - like to the point that it was taking away from the attention we'd normally lavish on one another - we'd talk about it. And I think we'd both be okay minimizing outside connections, because the marriage comes first. But I'm really, really happy it's not a blanket policy.

P.S. - when it comes to rides, I'd probably ask another lady first, but for safety reasons. Yes, typing that out, it sounds paranoid. But we all have our paranoid zones ... the idea that a dude would take it as an invitation to hit on me isn't threatening, since I know I could shut that down. It's the spate of Uber molestation/harassment type-stories that make me leery ... and I bet many women would take that as an insult to their SO's.

 

[Gypsy]

I have trust issues. So take this with a grain of salt. I've been cheated on before by ex-boyfriends.

A person can cheat even while being seemingly 'transparent'. One ex-boyfriend cheated on me with a girl who was in another relationship (they were both cheating, special) and he would give her rides and tell me about it every time, so I wouldn't feel jealous. And I thought... wow, what a great guy... all the while they were shacking up at every opportunity. Where there is intent to cheat, there will be a way.

First, read this: http://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503 It was recommended to my husband and me as part of just general per-marital counseling, but I found it be by far the most interesting and informative book on how to PREVENT infidelity.

I FULLY believe that VERY FEW infidelities occur just because a person has impulse control issues, or one spouse just wanting variety. And instead I believe that the reason most infidelities occur (and I will likely get flamed for this) is because of a lack or issue in the relationship. Some need not being met. Not because the third party was irresistible or was magically perfect. I think if you strengthen your relationship from the inside out and make it rock solid, that is the best way to avoid infidelity.

And that book really both of us to do that with our marriage.

Just to explain before someone flames me... when I say 'some need not being met'... I don't mean that as an excuse for infidelity. Being unfaithful is a BAD and WRONG reaction to such a lack. A correct way to deal with a need not being met is to talk to your spouse and work with them about what you need. NOT to cheat on them. BUT... I do believe that most of the time people cheating is a SYMPTOM of a larger problem. NOT the problem itself.

That's ALL I meant by that.

 

[rosetta]

We are often with members of the opposite sex, we work late, nights, weekends, we perform intimate examinations. We need to trust each other and and we do, or our marriage would be unhappy and probably wouldn't survive. I cannot imagine worrying about what my husband is up to all the time. He sees women alone every single day and plenty of them would like to be his wife in my place, let alone have an affair. Unfortunately, society (read: desperate women) still thinks of male doctors as a bit of a catch! Me they just find scary

I'm not jealous at all. Neither is my husband. He's been cheated on by a previous girlfriend, I've never been cheated on. So I guess the lack of jealousy is not to to with past experiences with us, but more a function of our personalities. I've never actually thought of ourselves as "not jealous types" and I've only just realised it's something we have in common. You learn something new every day huh?

 

[Rhea]

This topic comes up every so often here on PS. While there have been specific incidents where one woman in particular crossed a line repeatedly with my husband (so she is now blacklisted lol), I wouldn't go so far as to forbid him from having solo interactions with ANY woman. I have lost at least half a dozen close friendships with men, men I had no attraction to whatsoever but went to school with and had a lot in common with, because their wives were jealous and "forbade it". It really sucks.

This is exactly the sort of situation where I would encourage bbq or coffee or theater or dinner or whatever with both couples (or even group of friends). If husband & wife are friends with the person it feels a lot more okay and less likely to be an issue.

No, I'm not easily made jealous. Probably because my husband makes me feel valued and puts our relationship first. I've lost a few guy friends too and it does suck. It's not always easy or possible to include the partner of the person in a decades long relationship just because that person exists.

M & I met at work and had a great time catching up for a couple hours every few months type of relationship. When he started inviting his partner it limited what we could talk about. She didn't like discussing social or government policies and the relationship really changed. His partner got jealous and M & I are no longer friends. That really hurt. It can be hard to maintain a friendship with someone when you incorporate their partner because the topics you discuss change. I get that's what jealous partners may be going for but it can damage the initial friendship quite a bit and make it unsustainable.

My best friend is male and when my husband and I both hang out with him it's just odd. The three of us have nothing in common and the men end up reverting to universals like sports or debating the best road to take to get somewhere. When I hang out with B husband just shoos me along without him. I'm pleased they know each other and it works well in larger groups, but they bore each other. I'd hate to end a good friendship I've had since age 14 because the men don't have anything in common! And to be honest, if husband asked me to do so without a reason would make me question my marriage. My marriage comes first but that type of request would make me uncomfortable and suspicious of husband.

 

[JewelFreak]

Neither DH nor I are jealous, thank goodness. He has had friendships with women he worked with & I've had good buddies who were male; never any danger to our relationship.

Jealousy springs from insecurity within oneself. Especially in situations where one partner knows the other is simply buds with someone of the other sex & still is jealous, he or she will do the best thing for the relationship by working on his or her own self-doubts. It can be done & definitely makes for a happier life.

It isn't acceptable, however, to ask anyone over & exclude the partner -- ever! That sends a big fat red flag up, probably with good reason. It doesn't mean the "hunted" has any plans to cheat but it does signal the host(ess) likely does. Then it's time to insist on honesty & to get together as couples -- or at least the "invitee" should bring his or her partner along.

Sometimes we go through tough situations -- but as Kenny says, it is not fair to dump that on a subsequent lover, understandable as the impulse is.

--- Laurie

 

[Circe]

Neither DH nor I are jealous, thank goodness. He has had friendships with women he worked with & I've had good buddies who were male; never any danger to our relationship.

Jealousy springs from insecurity within oneself. Especially in situations where one partner knows the other is simply buds with someone of the other sex & still is jealous, he or she will do the best thing for the relationship by working on his or her own self-doubts. It can be done & definitely makes for a happier life.

It isn't acceptable, however, to ask anyone over & exclude the partner -- ever! That sends a big fat red flag up, probably with good reason. It doesn't mean the "hunted" has any plans to cheat but it does signal the host(ess) likely does. Then it's time to insist on honesty & to get together as couples -- or at least the "invitee" should bring his or her partner along.

Sometimes we go through tough situations -- but as Kenny says, it is not fair to dump that on a subsequent lover, understandable as the impulse is.

--- Laurie

I can think of only one exception to this: I stopped wanting to spend time with a friend's girlfriend after she started making anti-Semitic remarks in my presence. Short of that sort of thing, agree completely.

 

[LaraOnline]

My husband is pretty old fashioned and doesn't encourage one-on-one relationships with women.
In fact, he has turned down a consultancy position that involved driving around for several days at a time, staying out overnight on the road, because it involved travelling with a female work companion. That was purely out of consideration for me and my own personal experience of my marriage, and it was a decision he made without any input from me whatsoever.
If he was giving a woman a lift regularly, I'm sure it would only happen in a group situation.

 

[missy]

I haven't yet read any comments here because I first wanted to post my thoughts and then will go back and read what others experiences are.

My dh is 100% NOT jealous in any way. It is refreshing because I have as many men friends as women friends and in fact 2 of my closest friends (not including my dh who is my best and closest friend) are men and have been in my life for a very long time. One over 30 years and one close to 20 years so it would suck if I couldn't have them in my life. Fortunately my dh does not give my friendship with them a second thought. He is happy I have such good friends. If he was not I would have little choice because I put my dh (and his feelings) first as he does me.

I, OTOH, do have some jealousy issues. Not because I am insecure (though due to recent events I am feeling more vulnerable these days to be sure) but because past history has shown that my dh does not always exhibit grade A judgment when it comes to the opposite sex. While he has not given me any reason for concern in the recent or even distant past I am like an elephant in that I always remember and never forget.

Many years ago (I cannot remember how long ago) an ex colleague was flirting shamelessly with my dh online (and who knows how much IRL!) and I saw a few of her emails and well the sh*t hit the fan. I know my dh and I also know there is no way he would ever cheat on me. Even if our marriage (g-d forbid) were to fall apart he would not do that while we were still married and not separated at least. He is just not that kind of guy. But he allowed the flirtation with his ex coworker to continue and he used ignorance as an excuse.

My dh is a smart guy and I was just so pissed that he allowed her to continue with her (IMO) disrespectful emails (disrespectful to our marriage because she was obviously flirting with him!) and that he used not realizing she was flirting as an excuse. That caused me serious trust issues and it took a long while and process to get back to me trusting him again. I am not easy to forgive a breach of trust. (And of course this ex female colleague is out of his life for good). And to this day I am strict about his female friends. We all get together and that is how I am comfortable. I will say it depends on the woman but in general that is how I still feel. Once burned twice shy.

And I think PSers who "know" me know I love my dh with all of my heart and soul and he loves me the same way and we have been together for over 15 years now. He is an amazing man and I cannot believe how lucky I am that we get to spend our lives together. He is truly my "perfect" match. However he is not perfect and neither am I. But because he is so amazing it is a fact that there are definitely women who are attracted to him. Not everyone has honorable intentions and men can be gullible (and my dh always believes in the best in people till proven otherwise) so I am just being smart. My dh understands this and is OK with it especially given the breach of trust I felt early on and because we put each other first this works for us.

Of course each couple has to decide what is best for their relationship as a couple and as with most things there is no universal right way. But for me this is the only way. So I guess I can be jealous but only when given a reason and for that I make no apologies. One has to work to protect the people and relationships they love. Worthwhile relationships take work and being smart and realistic is worth it when it comes to preserving one's marriage and love and yes trust. And the surest way to keep one's relationship strong and good is through communication. What your expectations are and what your partner's expectations are and to continuously keep the communication open. Marriages (relationships) are constantly moving, changing and hopefully improving and as one navigates through them it is critical to really talk to each other about each other and your relationship. And putting the other first is step one (IMO) for success.

 

[momhappy]

I think that a certain amount of jealousy in relationships is normal. Jealousy can flare up based on various circumstances. In this particular case, it sounds like OPs DH works a lot, which harbors some feelings of insecurity for OP (again, what I would consider to be normal). Don't beat yourself up over it OP, but you should try find ways to deal with it constructively. Have you met the woman or do you know her? Typically, that can help to set your mind at ease, but if it's a business relationship that your DH has with her, then it might not be appropriate to get to know her socially.

 

[ecf8503]

... when I say 'some need not being met'... I don't mean that as an excuse for infidelity. Being unfaithful is a BAD and WRONG reaction to such a lack. A correct way to deal with a need not being met is to talk to your spouse and work with them about what you need. NOT to cheat on them. BUT... I do believe that most of the time people cheating is a SYMPTOM of a larger problem. NOT the problem itself.

Agree. I've been cheated on, and in hindsight there were issues that needed to be addressed and weren't, which I'm sure led to the infidelity. But I also realize there are members of the opposite gender in his workplace, and I can't forbid him from interacting with them - he has to. So I have to have some trust now, and he has to be transparent. It's a work in progress.

 

[Lady_Disdain]

Neither my husband or I are jealous and neither of us has given the other reason to be jealous.

If he told me I couldn't have male friends because he was I afraid I would cheat, he would be an ex. I have no problems talking about a particular friendship, if it was troublesome for some reason, avoiding one on ones, etc. But a blanket "no men" would not be acceptable to me. And I would not impose something similar on him. Perhaps because both of us have always had friends of both genders and it would be very strange to suddenly drop half our acquaintances.

 

[livannie]

A big long post I wrote just got erased too
I was trying to write that I think it's like TooPatient said about her husband being friendly and not knowing when a woman is looking for more than just friendship. My husband is handsome. Everyone I know is always telling me that he is good looking. When we first met I thought he was too good looking for me and I had always been confident in myself.
But I see girls staring at him and smiling and he smiles back. There was this one time a girl was smiling at him in front of me and it wasn't just smiling, it was like hey I am interested in you smiling and when I turned to look at him, he was smiling back. And I asked why were you smiling at that girl who was flirting with you? And he was like what did you want me to do, flip her off? And I was like yeah! Lol. But he is a very friendly person. My friends like how he is easy to talk to and outgoing and I really like that about him but when we met I kinda took it as flirting.
Mom happy he does work a lot. At his normal job and then his parents farm right after. He works till at least 8pm everyday, sometimes later. The only day we spend together is Sunday and sometimes he works then too.
He is too busy to do many things around the house like fixing things that need to be fixed so when he makes time to help fix a lady's car I do get jealous about it.I feel like he barely has enough time for our 2 kids and I.
I think once my kids go to school in a little while and I can get out and socialize with people maybe I won't be as jealous of a person.

 

[sonnyjane]

Neither my husband or I are jealous and neither of us has given the other reason to be jealous.

If he told me I couldn't have male friends because he was I afraid I would cheat, he would be an ex. I have no problems talking about a particular friendship, if it was troublesome for some reason, avoiding one on ones, etc. But a blanket "no men" would not be acceptable to me. And I would not impose something similar on him. Perhaps because both of us have always had friends of both genders and it would be very strange to suddenly drop half our acquaintances.

Right? If a guy said that I couldn't be around other men without supervision I would consider that an abusive relationship, so why is it ok to tell a guy he can't be with a woman unsupervised? The girl that made the "blacklist" in our family WAS someone that we would hang out with together, double-date with (she was also married), etc. The problem arose when I went out of town for a week and her husband was deployed and she asked him to come over at 3:00 AM. He didn't go obviously but after that I figured we probably didn't need to hang out with her anymore. The thing about not riding in a vehicle with someone of the opposite sex is very interesting to me. I quite frequently give rides to male co-workers and when my car wouldn't start last month I called one to pick me up and take me to work. I can't fathom calling a taxi and paying $30 because a man was my only option.... Especially since there's a 98% chance that my cab driver would be a man! Does that count as being alone with a man?

 

[livannie]

My mom told me while my parents were in the process of getting divorced, my dad told her he wished he would have done something with a co-worker. He had to work a lot with this woman, sit in surveillance cars for hours alone with her and he told my mom he wished he would have made a move but didn't because he was ,married to my mom. And that he finally could now. I just think I fear those kind of things will happen to me in my marriage. I think when my mom talks about my dad, I get paranoid. My dad was like the greatest man in the world to me, I thought he was perfect. And now to know he is not scares me. I know I can't compare their marriage to mine but I do sometimes because I don't want ours to ever be close to being like theirs.

 

[missy]

I think a distinction needs to be made regarding emotional intimacy vs physical intimacy. They are both trust violators and I consider both a form of cheating. Emotional intimacy between 2 people other than with one's spouse is definitely cheating and just as bad as having a physical affair if not worse. Though in my book they are both deal breakers.

 

[marymm]

A big long post I wrote just got erased too
I was trying to write that I think it's like TooPatient said about her husband being friendly and not knowing when a woman is looking for more than just friendship. My husband is handsome. Everyone I know is always telling me that he is good looking. When we first met I thought he was too good looking for me and I had always been confident in myself.
But I see girls staring at him and smiling and he smiles back. There was this one time a girl was smiling at him in front of me and it wasn't just smiling, it was like hey I am interested in you smiling and when I turned to look at him, he was smiling back. And I asked why were you smiling at that girl who was flirting with you? And he was like what did you want me to do, flip her off? And I was like yeah! Lol. But he is a very friendly person. My friends like how he is easy to talk to and outgoing and I really like that about him but when we met I kinda took it as flirting.
Mom happy he does work a lot. At his normal job and then his parents farm right after. He works till at least 8pm everyday, sometimes later. The only day we spend together is Sunday and sometimes he works then too.
He is too busy to do many things around the house like fixing things that need to be fixed so when he makes time to help fix a lady's car I do get jealous about it.I feel like he barely has enough time for our 2 kids and I.
I think once my kids go to school in a little while and I can get out and socialize with people maybe I won't be as jealous of a person.

For me, this would be a big red flag - it is one thing to be patient and understanding of the time your DH spends working his full-time job and then working at his parents' farm each day... but especially if my DH worked this much every week, I would not be patient or understanding whatsoever if my DH chose to allocate any of his non-working time to do chores/repairs for someone (woman or man) rather than spending that time with me/our family. For me, it would be a clear sign that he did not prioritize our marriage/family.

 

[monarch64]

Neither my husband or I are jealous and neither of us has given the other reason to be jealous.

If he told me I couldn't have male friends because he was I afraid I would cheat, he would be an ex. I have no problems talking about a particular friendship, if it was troublesome for some reason, avoiding one on ones, etc. But a blanket "no men" would not be acceptable to me. And I would not impose something similar on him. Perhaps because both of us have always had friends of both genders and it would be very strange to suddenly drop half our acquaintances.

Right? If a guy said that I couldn't be around other men without supervision I would consider that an abusive relationship, so why is it ok to tell a guy he can't be with a woman unsupervised? The girl that made the "blacklist" in our family WAS someone that we would hang out with together, double-date with (she was also married), etc. The problem arose when I went out of town for a week and her husband was deployed and she asked him to come over at 3:00 AM. He didn't go obviously but after that I figured we probably didn't need to hang out with her anymore. The thing about not riding in a vehicle with someone of the opposite sex is very interesting to me. I quite frequently give rides to male co-workers and when my car wouldn't start last month I called one to pick me up and take me to work. I can't fathom calling a taxi and paying $30 because a man was my only option.... Especially since there's a 98% chance that my cab driver would be a man! Does that count as being alone with a man?

Wholeheartedly agree with you both.

I came from a home in which jealousy was a problem. Yuck. I also had a long term relationship plus a marriage in which the men were both very jealous yet they were the ones who either cheated or tried to get me involved in "swinging." My ex-husband used to tell me frequently not to wear certain things unless I was with him as they were just too sexy and I might be giving off the wrong signals.

I found someone to share my life with who has no trust issues and is as solid and secure as they come. We're both very grateful to have what we have and I feel healthy now instead of constantly on guard. I am not going to waste time worrying over what could happen if my husband gives someone a ride. I think our time is better spent communicating with each other and continuing to create intimacy. All jealousy does is drive away your partner--it's the thief of joy in a relationship.

 

[HollyS]

I'm not jealous of my husband, or worried that he would ever act inappropriately.

That being said, there is no way my husband would give a ride to another woman on a regular basis. He would think of it as an imposition, because of the frequency.

But he would also know that he should not allow another woman to 'need' him, or get used to asking for favors or expecting to receive favors from him.

Your husband is probably thinking that he is merely being a friend. The woman knows better; don't give her any benefit of the doubt as to what her intentions may or may not be.

 

[NovemberBride]

I trust my husband completely and he trusts me. If someone wants to cheat, they will find a way, regardless of how many "rules" are put in place. While I would not want my husband to put himself into a situation where he would be giving off the impression that he is open to infidelity (i.e. going to another woman's house without me in the middle of the night), he works with a number of women and I have no doubt that he has been in their offices alone, gotten coffee with them and ridden to work lunches with them. I don't interrogate him about his actions with co-workers, male or female. Similarly, I work in a field that is dominated by men and I often work very late hours alone with one or more male colleagues, sometimes while traveling on business. If my husband were to tell me I could not socialize with male co-workers, grab a drink with them after work or be in their offices with the doors closed, I would consider that to be controlling and abusive and I would not be staying in that marriage long.

 

[iluvshinythings]

I'm not a jealous person and neither is my DH. We have an agreement to never do something or have a conversation with a member of the opposite sex we wouldn't do/have without our spouse present.

My ex cheated on me while we were married and he constantly accused me of cheating. It got so bad that I avoided leaving the house just to stop the accusations. I went to work and I went home. If I had to stop and run an errand or go grocery shopping I knew I was going to have to pay when I got home. Meanwhile he stayed out all night many times and some woman he claimed he worked with kept calling our house at all hours. It was awful and I won't ever tolerate that again. I won't inflict that on anyone else either. In the future, being accused of cheating without a good reason will be a big red flag that my partner is hiding something.

That being said, if my spouse were putting someone else above our marriage there would be a long discussion and things would change - or else. If he were to leave me alone and have a holiday dinner with someone else, we'd have a big problem.

I think it's reasonable to be jealous in a relationship if there is a good cause. If there's no reason to be jealous other than your imagination or something that happened in a previous relationship, you need to check yourself.

 

[HollyS]

Gah!!!!

Big post eaten


Short answer is -- NO you are NOT alone.


My DH knows that he is NOT to EVER EVER EVER give a ride to a female, take her to lunch/coffee, chat socially with her, or any other non-work related thing. Ever.
He knows he is also to NOT get a ride with a female co-worker even to a team lunch. Ever.

Work-related discussion is his office or her office (or co-worker office) NOT in any sort of arms' reach with the door OPEN -- fine.
Anything else -- Absolutely not. Period.


LONG backstory. May come re-type later if this one posts...



ETA --

It posted!

Backstory (well, backstory involving DH -- I've got more) --

DH used to take a "just friend" to lunch 2-3 times per week, talk on the phone almost nightly, attend events together, etc. He even spent time in her home helping her prepare holiday dinners (that I was not invited to but DH was). She'd cancel lunch if she knew I was coming. She invited him to dinners and activities but specifically did NOT invite me. (yes... I sat alone watching TV while eating microwaved food for a couple of holidays ). He'd come home and not eat dinner because they had a late lunch.

This woman was married but it was CLEAR she was looking for an upgrade. She wanted a guy with a college degree (said loudly in front of her husband) who could actually make money. (to be fair to her husband, he had some sort of degree and was making $80,000+ per year...)

DH says nothing happened, but all of the sudden he quit talking to her very often. He actually said one day that he saw I was correct and it wasn't healthy.



I feel VERY VERY strongly that the marriage comes first. If you want to socialize with a co-worker of the opposite sex, invite them and their spouse to a bbq or coffee or something as COUPLES to form a friendship among all.

Thankfully after that mess (mentioned above), DH agrees.

I'm thinking your "name" . . . TooPatient . . . is very apropos. It's great that your husband finally saw the light. But, seriously?? You spent holidays alone while he left you to go to her house, where you were not invited?