IYO, Is it appropriate to kiss your SO in public?

[ringbling17]

It's funny that this topic came up because I was just arguing with my husband about this last week.

My husband and I are both asian, I am Filipino and my husband is Cambodian.

Growing up in my family, my parents showed me very little affection, but my grandparents hugged and kissed me to death. My parents never told me they loved me or gave me a kiss or hug, but I can say that I did see them hug and hold hands all the time. They still do now even though they are in their 60's. My parents show affection to my kids all the time, especially my dad. They hug them, kiss them, let them sit on their laps, play with them, but unfortunately because I live so far away, my kids don't get to see them all the time.

My husband's family shows absolutely no affection, I have never seen anyone in his family hug, kiss or hold hands. EVER! I have never seen them hug or kiss my kids, in fact, if my kids see them, they will be luck to even get a hello. Of course, I always make sure my kids go up to their grandparents and say hello and hug them, but you can see that it is quite awkward.

My husband grew up in an environment where I guess it wasn't considered proper to touch in public or in front of anyone for that matter, so he very seldom shows me and the kids any affection. Being married to my husband is quite challenging. I crave affection. I want it and we have fought over it many times. I am not talking about groping in public, I am talking about giving a simple kiss when we see each other or say goodbye, holding hands and a hug. It makes me so mad sometimes because even if I sit on the couch next to my husband, he will get up and sit on the other couch. If my kids go sit next to him, he gets up and sits in the other room. Even if we are walking on the street, he will not walk next to me. He walks ahead of me so it always looks like I am trying to catch up with him.

If there is any touching between us, I always initiate it and it's gotten to the point that I don't want to bother anymore.

Also, saying I love you is a problem. He never says it and I always say it. When I ask him if he loves me, he says "yeah".

I have gotten so frustrated over the years that I have even thought about leaving him. Seriously! I've often thought that I can't be with someone who doesn't show me that he loves me. It's almost like we are roommates or something!

My sister suggested we get counseling but being asian, I seriously doubt my husband would go for it. Asians don't tell other people their problems, according to my husband. My husband is mad I even told my sister.

Last week, something snapped in me and I told him I would leave him if he didn't change. I am broken too.

 

[chrono]

Butterfly,
I am sorry that you aren't in a happy situation right now. When I read your post, I feel as though your DH and I are one and the same. I feel uncomfortable being on the receiving end of a public hug or even a peck on the cheek. I do not feel at ease having DH sit next to me on a 2 seater couch. I rarely initiate any touching between us and when I do, it feels out of place or strange. I also cannot say "I love you" to him even though I feel it in my heart. I show my affection in other ways though.

 

[monarch64]

Some of these stories are heartbreaking! I wish I could give you affection-cravers a giant hug, you deserve it. No one should be deprived of the basic human need that is bonding by touch.

My neighbor and her boyfriend (she's Italian, he's Japanese) broke up due in part to the fact that he was so anti-physical affection. It's been a year since they broke up, but he still calls her all the time and tells her he loves her/wants to marry her. All she can ever think of is that he put up such a fuss over her wanting him to hold her hand in public. It's really sad. They obviously love each other but they can't get past the conditioning.

 

[Sparklelu]

I have no problem with showing affection in public to an extent. I think there is a time and place for everything. A quick kiss or a hug or a similar style of affection is always fine. Its the hanging all over slobbering on each other is unattractive to me and not something I enjoy seeing. I have even seen and have no issue with a friendly pat on the behind from one partner to another, and I'm OK with that. Shoving your hand in their crotch, not so much! And I've seen that.
Its the overtly sexual behaviors that break the social contract for that particular public space.. Don't tell me to look away if I don't like it. You are the one who should respect the code of conduct expected .
Example: a few months ago I was in the ER for gallbladder pain. There was a young couple ( mid 20's)who came in at the same time not only did they hold hands the entire time (OK with me) but every few minutes he either leaned in for a long kiss or she to him. I'm sure tongues were involved. She also rubbed her hand up and down his thigh frequently.
It was uncomfortable to watch. Time and place.
Add to story, she was there because she too had abdominal pain and was nauseated!

 

[madelise]

I crave affection. I want it and we have fought over it many times. I am not talking about groping in public, I am talking about giving a simple kiss when we see each other or say goodbye, holding hands and a hug. It makes me so mad sometimes because even if I sit on the couch next to my husband, he will get up and sit on the other couch. If my kids go sit next to him, he gets up and sits in the other room. Even if we are walking on the street, he will not walk next to me. He walks ahead of me so it always looks like I am trying to catch up with him.

Last week, something snapped in me and I told him I would leave him if he didn't change. I am broken too.

God, this just made me tear up. This shit is exactly what I went through and am healing from.. And something VERY recent. My ex-fiancé showed his care for me in some ways, but never through affection. The only time we kissed was when we were intimate. I could have written your post. The sitting next to me on the couch thing.. Ok now I'm crying. He did that to me. It hurt so much every time, like he was rejecting me every time. He also never walked next to me, and would walk in front. When I would confront him, he would say I walk too slow. God damn, butterfly. I'm so sorry. I don't wish this upon anyone.. And it's even harder for you since you're married and have kids in the picture...

If you need to talk or connect, you can find me on LoupeTroop.

 

[asscherisme]

We hold hands mostly. He does love to kiss me on my head, and kisses on the lips are not graphic.. Just a nice quick kiss... I think showing affection can be classy without being trashy....

I agree.

 

[JewelFreak]

Gestures of affection, no problem. Behaving like teenagers in heat, SB, embarrasses other people. To me, sex is an intimate & private connection between 2 (or more?) people and should be just that: private. Getting all hot & sweaty, sloppy kisses, etc., says to everyone around, "We aren't interested in you. Only in ourselves & our pleasure." Besides, it's plain embarrassing to watch. Any touching that makes others feel like a fifth wheel is plain rude. "Expressing yourself" is not admirable when it makes others unhappy -- especially when it's something people can easily do somewhere alone.

On a business trip to Calif. once, an old friend asked me to meet her for dinner. She brought her new boyfriend & the meal was miserable! They didn't keep their hands off one another for an entire minute, hands roaming all over one another's bods, cutesie wrestling & giggling & whispering. Finally I said I was going back to my hotel; they obviously weren't interested in my company. They barely noticed I left, I swear.

It's a matter of inner class, to me.

 

[asscherisme]

Gestures of affection, no problem. Behaving like teenagers in heat, SB, embarrasses other people. To me, sex is an intimate & private connection between 2 (or more?) people and should be just that: private. Getting all hot & sweaty, sloppy kisses, etc., says to everyone around, "We aren't interested in you. Only in ourselves & our pleasure." Besides, it's plain embarrassing to watch. Any touching that makes others feel like a fifth wheel is plain rude. "Expressing yourself" is not admirable when it makes others unhappy -- especially when it's something people can easily do somewhere alone.

On a business trip to Calif. once, an old friend asked me to meet her for dinner. She brought her new boyfriend & the meal was miserable! They didn't keep their hands off one another for an entire minute, hands roaming all over one another's bods, cutesie wrestling & giggling & whispering. Finally I said I was going back to my hotel; they obviously weren't interested in my company. They barely noticed I left, I swear.

It's a matter of inner class, to me.

That's just plain rude! I would have left too.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Also, saying I love you is a problem. He never says it and I always say it. When I ask him if he loves me, he says "yeah".

I have gotten so frustrated over the years that I have even thought about leaving him. Seriously! I've often thought that I can't be with someone who doesn't show me that he loves me. It's almost like we are roommates or something!

My sister suggested we get counseling but being asian, I seriously doubt my husband would go for it. Asians don't tell other people their problems, according to my husband. My husband is mad I even told my sister.

Last week, something snapped in me and I told him I would leave him if he didn't change. I am broken too.

B17..hate to say it, but your husband's behavior sounds like most of the (over 35) Chinese husbands.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Butterfly,
I am sorry that you aren't in a happy situation right now. When I read your post, I feel as though your DH and I are one and the same. I feel uncomfortable being on the receiving end of a public hug or even a peck on the cheek. I do not feel at ease having DH sit next to me on a 2 seater couch. I rarely initiate any touching between us and when I do, it feels out of place or strange. I also cannot say "I love you" to him even though I feel it in my heart. I show my affection in other ways though.

Chrono...I think we're husband and wife ...

 

[chrono]

Chrono...I think we're husband and wife ...

DF,
Did you forget that I'm a man?

 

[Dancing Fire]

Gestures of affection, no problem. Behaving like teenagers in heat, SB, embarrasses other people. To me, sex is an intimate & private connection between 2 (or more?) people and should be just that: private. Getting all hot & sweaty, sloppy kisses, etc., says to everyone around, "We aren't interested in you. Only in ourselves & our pleasure." Besides, it's plain embarrassing to watch. Any touching that makes others feel like a fifth wheel is plain rude. "Expressing yourself" is not admirable when it makes others unhappy -- especially when it's something people can easily do somewhere alone.

On a business trip to Calif. once, an old friend asked me to meet her for dinner. She brought her new boyfriend & the meal was miserable! They didn't keep their hands off one another for an entire minute, hands roaming all over one another's bods, cutesie wrestling & giggling & whispering. Finally I said I was going back to my hotel; they obviously weren't interested in my company. They barely noticed I left, I swear.

It's a matter of inner class, to me.

Or more?..
you know the old saying..."Two is company, three's a crowd"..

 

[SB621]

Gestures of affection, no problem. Behaving like teenagers in heat, SB, embarrasses other people. To me, sex is an intimate & private connection between 2 (or more?) people and should be just that: private. Getting all hot & sweaty, sloppy kisses, etc., says to everyone around, "We aren't interested in you. Only in ourselves & our pleasure." Besides, it's plain embarrassing to watch. Any touching that makes others feel like a fifth wheel is plain rude. "Expressing yourself" is not admirable when it makes others unhappy -- especially when it's something people can easily do somewhere alone.

On a business trip to Calif. once, an old friend asked me to meet her for dinner. She brought her new boyfriend & the meal was miserable! They didn't keep their hands off one another for an entire minute, hands roaming all over one another's bods, cutesie wrestling & giggling & whispering. Finally I said I was going back to my hotel; they obviously weren't interested in my company. They barely noticed I left, I swear.

It's a matter of inner class, to me.

Well just look the other way then Sorry but I disagree. I think it is great to see people in love. Life is short so I'm going to express myself however I see fit and spend less time judging others for being happy.

 

[SB621]

Big hugs Butterfly! I have no advise but just wanted to let you know how broken I would be about this too. Is counseling an option?

 

[boerumbiddy]

To some creatures, a public demonstration of affection is an irritation:
To others, it's beyond uncomfortable, it's creepy. The visceral reaction cannot be controlled. I have a strong aversion to casual hugging and arm-grabbing by acquaintances, though I would have no objection to a warm hug and kiss from a Significant Other. It all depends on culture and circumstances. It must be very, very hard for couples with incompatible kiss indexes.

 

[urseberry]

For madelise, butterfly17, and anyone else who wants one, here is a hug. You are good and worthy and have every right to ask for affection in a relationship.

 

[MrsAkin]

Here in Turkey it's acceptable for spouses to hug or at least walk hand in hand in public. But lips touching is totally inappropriate. I don't like seeing spouses kissing, groping or doing whatever in public. It makes me feel like I'm prying into their special moments. In my opinion making out is not the sole way of showing that you love each other. Kissing on the forehead, cheek or hand are better and more discreet ways for expressing love. Mind you, I'm not judging anyone. Just stating the values I grew up with. When we're out walking I'm mostly on my husband's arm. It's a way of showing we're a couple in a respectable way. I feel safe and loved this way. We used to hold hands but I think we're past that stage in our relationship. Wives here have a special place in the public eye and you're expected to behave according to your place. More so if you're a mother.

Of course there are different codes for every situation. For example my in-laws are more traditional than my family about public displays of affection and my husband never touches me when we are with the men of his family. You want to know something even more distressing? Back in the day it was a big no-no for the bride to speak in front of his father-in-law. Poor brides couldn't speak with their husbands outside of their bedrooms. I still get up from my chair when my FIL walks into a room out of respect but I'm luckier than my two sisters in law as FIL doesn't even speak to them whereas we can have decent conversations. It also was inappropriate to hug and care for your children in front of older relatives. My brother in law who is 10 years older than me became a father at the age of 21 and he couldn't show affection to his two beautiful children when his father was around. But when the third child came, he was much older and things became more relaxed for them. Now he's not afraid to spoil his youngest. My grandmother used to tell me that she only caressed her children's hair when they were asleep for the fear of them becoming spoilt. Such a waste of precious time...

 

[makemepretty]

I love it when my husband shows affection in public, from a kiss to putting his hand on the small of my back when steering me out of the movie theater so I don't get lost. He likes to sit right next to me when we go out to eat, instead of across. I think it's important for people to see happy couples, especially kids. So many couples fight, cheat and divorce that seeing a couple showing affection is a rarity. My son said that when he sees an old couple holding hands it makes him smile because he knows that'll be his parents in their old age.

 

[arkieb1]

Butterfly,
I am sorry that you aren't in a happy situation right now. When I read your post, I feel as though your DH and I are one and the same. I feel uncomfortable being on the receiving end of a public hug or even a peck on the cheek. I do not feel at ease having DH sit next to me on a 2 seater couch. I rarely initiate any touching between us and when I do, it feels out of place or strange. I also cannot say "I love you" to him even though I feel it in my heart. I show my affection in other ways though.

+ 1 I agree I am the same as Chrono and your husband Butterfly. Some people like and need lots of hugging and kissing, it makes them feel happy and wanted and needed and secure, other people like me like their own space. I realise am on the spectrum and dislike pretty well most people hugging me, kissing me and being too near in any way, this is just who I am. It has taken a lot for my husband who likes a lot of physical affection generally to deal with this. I am not a cold person when you get to know me I am warm and generous and caring and kind, but I like my solitude and my personal space. Your husband could be the same for a variety of reasons, and I know this might be difficult to understand but, in my case it does not mean that I love my husband or my son (who is usually all over me like it or not) or any other family member any less!!!!

 

[Mayk]

Butterfly... I wonder if he would read a book.. The Five Languages of Love? Its a great book, not very long but helps you understand the needs of your mate. I'm an Affirmation girl... I like being told I'm loved or appreciate more so than gifts.

We almost always hold hands and light pecks in public..

 

[ringbling17]

Hey everyone! Thanks for all your support. I appreciate it.
I have been busy at work and with school and I read everyone's advice and have just been thinking things over the past few days.
I don't really know what to do anymore. I've told my husband exactly what I want and how I feel and now the ball is in his court.
He said he would try to change so I am going to try and give him that chance and see how it goes.

We've been married for so long I guess I shouldn't just give up now.

My husband is a great husband in other respects. He is an excellent father, even better than me as a parent sometimes bc he is more patient, and he is so understanding when it comes to my craziness and always tries to do everything to make me happy. He very seldom yells at me or gets mad about stuff around the house. Actually he never does. He doesn't complain about the house being messy or if I don't cook or do the laundry. He doesn't bother me when I oversleep. He will get up and take care of all the kids and let me sleep for as long as I like. I don't even go grocery shopping. The last time I went was over a year ago.

Don't get me wrong. Our relationship is not perfect by any means, but I know how good I already have it.

I just wish he could change this one thing!!!

 

[arkieb1]

I also recommend the 5 languages book to both you and your husband here is a link you can do the quiz free online;

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

 

[rosetta]

I love it when my husband shows affection in public, from a kiss to putting his hand on the small of my back when steering me out of the movie theater so I don't get lost. He likes to sit right next to me when we go out to eat, instead of across. I think it's important for people to see happy couples, especially kids. So many couples fight, cheat and divorce that seeing a couple showing affection is a rarity. My son said that when he sees an old couple holding hands it makes him smile because he knows that'll be his parents in their old age.

I am so glad we aren't the only ones who like to sit next to each other, rather than across. I love sitting in booths for this reason. I feel less of a weirdo now thanks!

We are Asian, in our thirties. We kiss everywhere, but not full on heavy stuff. We also hold hands and hug. My parents never kissed me, my father never even hugged me. I think that was a big shame. My Asian in laws both hug and kiss me, so it's not all Asians who don't touch. I prefer to see couples who show public affection, as long as it's not sexual. I still can't kiss my husband on the lips in front of my in laws though!

 

[rosetta]

My heart goes out to all those craving physical affection, and not getting it. It's awful. Like living a half life, leached of colour.

I really hope things change for you.

 

[blodthecat]

If you do something for long enough, it eventually becomes a habit!

Might be time for DF to shake things up a bit

Blod

 

[Lorelei]

If you do something for long enough, it eventually becomes a habit!

Might be time for DF to shake things up a bit

Blod

Good to see you Bloddie!

Butterfly, I am so sorry to read you are hurting and I hope you and your Husband can sort this out, sending you my love dear. xo

 

[DNB]

My DH and I have been married 33 years. He's hispanic and I'm a WASP. Which means, his family is much more emotional, touchy feely, etc. My parents hug me and did when I was very young, but my Dad is a very stiff hugger, obviously not comfortable, but that's how his mom was, even with us grandkids. But, hugs now are pretty much limited to when we greet each other and part. DH and I have always shown affection in public. Now, I'm talking holding hands, arms around each other, quick pecks. He always likes to be as close to me as possible, but me, being an introvert likes my "me" space a lot of the time. My DH is also affectionate with our grown sons and one DIL. As long as both are on the same page, it isn't usually an issue, but for those of you that are unhappy with the state of your relationship, I think it will only cause resentment to build.

One thing I find interesting is the people who state they won't marry someone with a lot of debt, but yet they'll marry someone who isn't on the same page as they are with their personal needs. I knew from day 1 that my DH craved attention and affection because he was used to it. I craved it because I wasn't used to it.

 

[Dancing Fire]

If you do something for long enough, it eventually becomes a habit!

Might be time for DF to shake things up a bit

Blod

WOW! Blod.. you still alive? This must be the British Invasion week.. first it was Lorelei and now you, don't be a stranger...