Is it o.k.? Am I being a jerk?

[Mayk]

So.. here's a current struggle... and I'm so wrapped up in being hacked off I can't see through to be forgiving and it's not my nature...

I'm adopted, found my birth mother when I was 31 yrs old (50 now) we've been close. I travel across the country often to see her and she travels to see me, we've spent holidays together etc and blended our familes. So before DD's surgery (back) she bought a 1st class ticket to come for 8 days to be here and help. Her husband got sick (not death bed sick) and she decided she needed to be there so she cancelled. They did make the opening game for their favorite college football team where they have season tickets, the week after DD's surgery. Many of you know I had 16 days in the hospital with DD... after I came home my mother never offered to use her tickets or reschedule to come help. All the while, I'm hiring people and friends are cooking and we are all up around the clock for weeks. About a week after we get home, I get a note from her saying.. Next August she is going to join a freind on a trip to Africa and she's taking Granddaughter #2 (only #2 because of age she's a year younger than DD) and would DD and I like to meet her in Paris for a few days before they head to Africa. She wants me to know she can't pay for us but she would love to see us. Mind you..I'm operating on about three hours of sleep a night at this point in time it's been for about 21 days. She tries to tell me because Granddaughter #2 doesn't get to travel she needs to do this for her. Well my DD could care less about Paris and I'm going to have to explain why we are going to Paris to see her grandmother and cousin and then they are leaving for Africa and we are not.

A little behind the scenes and why I'm so pissed. My mother has taken GD#2 (granddaughter #2) to Hawaii, Southern California, Florida and her parents took her to all these places too so this 14 year old child has traveled. My mother has "plenty" of money, she's driving a brand new Mercedes SUV (top of the line) has two homes and just sold a vacation home on an island on the west coast. She's not strapped for Cash. Her husband is a builder..very successful. This will be her third trip to Africa and she spent three weeks in Russia last year. She and her husband came to our home this spring spent 10 days rented a car drove all over looking for property and never once spent any time with DD like taking her to lunch or dinner.. They take GD #2 to lunch and dinner all the time, since they live in the same city, once a week in fact in the middle of the week and to church every Sunday. Also during the hospital stay, when we were making a return trip to the PICU and DD was really sick I mentioned the Neruo Surgeron was very concerned.. she laid into me that of course he was concerned because he was worried for his own backside because he should not have done both surgiers at once. (Basically saying I should have listened to her experts, she's affiliated through a guild with a children's hopsital and their doctors had a different opinion).. I was in tears and she was chewing me out... I bit my tongue and said nothing but that I needed to go... I kept quiet. I also never said anything about them not spending any time with DD during the 10 day visit, I just decided to let it go...

Back to getting the email to join them in Paris.. I BLEW A GASKET, this one, I didn't let go! I wrote a hateful email about how she hadn't offered to come and help, I was exhausted trying to return to work and take care of DD around the clock. My hired caregiver had a family emergency and I lost most of my support. Friends we trying to pick up the pieces and she was writing me about a trip to Paris. At present time we are in the middle of building a new home, we have one kid at very expenisive oout of state college, one that graduates in the Spring and would like to attend the same college (ACT/SAT Scores will determine that) and DD will be 16 next year, so another car on the horizon. Therefore, I don't have money to make a trip... I also mentioned how she blasted me while I was in tears in the PICU and how she spent 10 days in our home and no time with DD.. Well as you can imagine, we haven't talked since. She did write a note and say she was sorry I was all stressed out and lashing out and she would come if I told her to... Like I'm going to say come now.. and help. Thanks.. but no thanks... It was my mother's birthday last week. I had DD send her a card and call her and DD has continued to call her. I haven't talked to her and right now.. I have zero interest and I'm just seething angry...which of course eating at me more than her..

So DD last night says to me.. I miss Grandma I want to go and see everyone.. I tell her maybe in June she can fly out (she's gone solo before). DD has always gone in August. She says I would rather go in August around my birthday. I say.. "well I think Grandma is headed back to Africa" (I don't mention GD #2 is going)... DD says.. "I want to go to Africa". My heart is in a knot along with my stomach.. when or if she hears GD #2 went to Africa and she wasn't invited.. it's going to crush her.

At this point.. I'm not even sure what to think anymore. I guess when she gave me up for adoption I would always be different. Believe me... my brother, she's paid a bunch for and they live in one of her homes so GD#2 can live in a "very exclusive" school district and pay next to nothing for rent.. so I know.. I'm different and I also don't need the financial help.. but it just felt like at the worst time she punched me in the stomach. When I was my most tired, most worn out, most worried and frayed.. she wasn't here to help and she was planning a lovely vacation... that included me if I wanted to pay to meet her in Paris... (I've never been, I've always wanted to go and I was suppose to go for my 50th.. but we had this little surgery thing pop up and our home sold... so there you go.. still not going to Paris or Italy which is on the top of my list).

Suggestions? Opinions.. would you be pissed... or just let it slide saying to yourself..... well, she left you behind.. you are different suck it up and make nice so your daughter has one grandmother... she deserves that... What would you do?

 

[Cozystitches]

I don't have advice for you Mayk, just wanted to give you virtual hugs. I think the situation sucks. Hugs Hugs Hugs Hugs Hugs Please know that you are in my prayers.

 

[vintagelover229]

Mayk:

I don't have much advice (I am also adopted) but I wanted to say that the Lord won't ever give you more than you can handle. I would be honest with your daughter with regards to the trip-and have HER ask her grandma to bring her along. Then deal with that if/however it pans out.

In regards to how you feel-you are totally justified in your feelings. It's messed up. This is quite possibly something you'll never have answers too-my relationship with my adopted parents is *unique* and my bio family (although not well off) have loved/accepted me for who I am-even when I was at my worst-while my adopted parents had judgements/didn't like me/weren't there during the times a real family should have been. Our relationship is MUCH better now that I'm in a healthier place in my life (and I have their first grand child) and I've just taken the attitude that I am who I am-they are who they are-and we both need to accept that if we want a relationship (or more so I need to accept them how they are if I want a relationship.) They are good people and so I take them for what they are and feel that God put us in one another lives to teach us/learn something. That is quite possibly the reason your in your bio families life.

With regards to your anger please read Matthew 5-it will hit very close to home. Since you are a follower of Christ I'm sure this passage will mean something to you.

HUGS!

 

[Mayk]

Mayk:

I don't have much advice (I am also adopted) but I wanted to say that the Lord won't ever give you more than you can handle. I would be honest with your daughter with regards to the trip-and have HER ask her grandma to bring her along. Then deal with that if/however it pans out.

In regards to how you feel-you are totally justified in your feelings. It's messed up. This is quite possibly something you'll never have answers too-my relationship with my adopted parents is *unique* and my bio family (although not well off) have loved/accepted me for who I am-even when I was at my worst-while my adopted parents had judgements/didn't like me/weren't there during the times a real family should have been. Our relationship is MUCH better now that I'm in a healthier place in my life (and I have their first grand child) and I've just taken the attitude that I am who I am-they are who they are-and we both need to accept that if we want a relationship (or more so I need to accept them how they are if I want a relationship.) They are good people and so I take them for what they are and feel that God put us in one another lives to teach us/learn something. That is quite possibly the reason your in your bio families life.

With regards to your anger please read Matthew 5-it will hit very close to home. Since you are a follower of Christ I'm sure this passage will mean something to you.

HUGS!

Thank you VL.... For sharing... I did go back and read Matt 5...all the way through... I am hoping with time and the holidays.... My heart will soften. I know being angry is taking its toll... Praying for forgiveness to find me.... Families are complicated... Some more than others.

 

[ame]

I don't think you are being a jerk. But I do think you're expecting too much from her. You might have developed a relationship with her later in life, but it's not a traditional mother and daughter relationship. She's not your mother in the same way the mother who raised you is, and she's making it known that she doesn't want that relationship by treating her other children and grandchildren differently and or better than you and your kids. You're maybe putting too much expectation of fairness and equality on that, and hoping for her to share her emotional wealth, time wealth and material wealth the same way she would with her other family and she's just not interested in doing that with you, for whatever her reasons are, perhaps because she thought she'd never know you, and the fact that you've found her and built a relationship with her later in life, maybe she's never been completely comfortable with that? Or her husband isn't your father and doesn't fully like that you exist in her life so he isn't cool with that?

You won't know and especially probably not now, so I'd say cool it, and just move on with your life as it is, be glad you had what relationship you had, and if your daughter wishes to see her, that's fine, but time will either heal this rift or it won't.

 

[TooPatient]

Oh, Mayk!

Big hugs to you and your daughter! You don't need this kind of drama right now.


I do think you should be angry and hurt. She wasn't there at a time she should have been.
BUT you need to decide what you see your relationship with her being. Do you want her a part of your life? If so, you need to learn to accept who she is. If not, move on with your life.

My mother did not attend my wedding. She had been invited but chose to make a big emotional scene instead. I had to go through all of the planning with no mother, no grandmother (health issues), and no friends able to really join me in planning. The morning of my wedding, I had NO idea what I was going to do because I had no one to even zip up my dress
Guess what? A friend surprised me that morning and changed her plans to not only zip my dress but help with getting ready that day and again for pictures!

My mother hasn't called, sent a card, or so much as e-mailed to see how it went or congratulate me or anything.

Such is life.
We have been through ups and downs. She is an alcoholic (had been sober 10+ years) with all the challenges that come along. There are times we'll talk once a week and visit in person (hour drive) regularly and other times we'll go for months at a time without so much as a phone call. I know that if I want her in my life, I can't expect her to be supportive of me being in college or wanting to have a good career. She may or may not be there when I need her most. (If your kid had a bad car accident and called you on the way to the emergency room, would you make the 2 1/2 hour drive to get there? Mine didn't. She told me to figure out my own way home.)



So do you WANT to have her in your life? Can you accept who she is and the relationship she has with others?

I think you need to talk to your DD and let her know the situation. Be calm and just give the facts. Tell her that her grandmother is taking her other granddaughter to Africa but has only invited her to meet them in Paris for a few days. I really doubt she'll want to meet them there. I also doubt that she'd want to call and ask to go with when she wasn't wanted to begin with.

 

[Cluless]

Oh Mayk,

I'm sorry for this situation you are in, families are always so complicated it seems. Since you asked if it was me I'd let it go just for the sake of family unity (but that's me) doesn't mean I would not feel resentment from time to time but hey it's life. I found this quote that sort of put it in perspective and now I got it hope it also helps you xo.

 

[Mayk]

For a little perspective... We've been very close. We've shared many things, including her frustrations with my brother and his wife and her DH on occasion... When DD was born she spent a month with me. She's always treated the cousin differently but because it was on another coast and not in DD!'s face... I've always ignored it. My daughter has plenty, her cousin's parents are partiers and will do for themselves before their daughter... So I've never bemoaned it. In fact I always do way too much for her (niece) at birthdays and Christmas because I know that.I bought her uggs when her mother wouldn't spend the money, she slept in she was so excited).. This one stung because it would be shoved in DD's face that she was different... Bottom line I don't want her to know her Grandmother thinks differently of her. I'm less worried about me. I'm a big girl and had it all figured out before she arrived on the scene... I'm mad at the message it send to DD.

 

[Mayk]

Thank you for the support and reps. You are correct. I have to decide what role she will lay in my life... With her being on one coast and me on another I have control... Also what role she will play in DD's without detrimental impact...

 

[Cluless]

Mayk, I think you have found your own answer here;

My daughter has plenty, her cousin's parents are partiers and will do for themselves before their daughter... So I've never bemoaned it. In fact I always do way too much for her (niece) at birthdays and Christmas because I know that.I bought her uggs when her mother wouldn't spend the money, she slept in she was so excited)..

I think your mom knows your daughter is very well cared for and feels the need to care for the other granddaughter she's doing the same thing you are for her . Unfortunately maybe it comes out to you as favoritism. I'm sorry i'm horrible at expressing my thoughts on paper I hope you understand what I'm trying to say xo

 

[Mayk]

Mayk, I think you have found your own answer here;

My daughter has plenty, her cousin's parents are partiers and will do for themselves before their daughter... So I've never bemoaned it. In fact I always do way too much for her (niece) at birthdays and Christmas because I know that.I bought her uggs when her mother wouldn't spend the money, she slept in she was so excited)..

I think your mom knows your daughter is very well cared for and feels the need to care for the other granddaughter she's doing the same thing you are for her . Unfortunately maybe it comes out to you as favoritism. I'm sorry i'm horrible at expressing my thoughts on paper I hope you understand what I'm trying to say xo

I totally agree and why I've never said anything.. This one, meeting them in Paris to see then before they head to Africa was just so over the top... My daughter would much rather see the animals then anything in Paris. She knows about the other trips they have taken but I always remind her we travel and she does a camp every year... She is special and has a lot...completely blessed This one just stung for DD and seemed so "in her face". You are different... You are not invited to Africa but we are going,.. Nice seeing you in Paris..

Not paying for us... Not a biggie because she has never paid for anything for us. I pay all our airfares including flying the whole family to the west coast for holidays.. It was how she said it in the email... She was sure to tell me she wasn't paying like she's strapped for cash. Also, I've always asked her not to leave anything in her will to me.. If she would like to leave DD something that's would be nice but I don't need anything and dearly the niece will have more pressing needs. I've asked for things like pictures...

 

[Circe]

I would have been angry and hurt, too. My parents were less than 100% helpful when I went through a tough time: on the plus side, telling myself to accept their limitations has helped me keep from being hurt repeatedly since. On the other hand, I'm not capable of disassociating from the bad without also disassociating from the good, and we're less close now. I don't tell them anything emotionally important about myself, because I know the odds are much better than average they'll disappoint me.

Odds with my parents are around 95%. With people with better odds, I don't know if I'd recommend this approach. If she's at all receptive to criticism, has any history of modifying her behavior, etc., I think writing the most politely worded letter - not e-mail, letter - you can compose might be worthwhile. I'd suggest apologizing for speaking impulsively but reiterate the feelings of being unsupported and of feeling like there's an inequity here that's affecting her relationship with her grand-daughter, your DD, and suggest closing with an "I love you" and a request that she think about what you've said for a day or two before replying. And go from there.

 

[minousbijoux]

Mayk, I think you have found your own answer here;

My daughter has plenty, her cousin's parents are partiers and will do for themselves before their daughter... So I've never bemoaned it. In fact I always do way too much for her (niece) at birthdays and Christmas because I know that.I bought her uggs when her mother wouldn't spend the money, she slept in she was so excited)..

I think your mom knows your daughter is very well cared for and feels the need to care for the other granddaughter she's doing the same thing you are for her . Unfortunately maybe it comes out to you as favoritism. I'm sorry i'm horrible at expressing my thoughts on paper I hope you understand what I'm trying to say xo

First, I am sorry you are feeling so let down; I really dislike feeling that way with my family. I agree with Cluless on this and it seems that you do too. Sometimes, people have their blind sides and maybe your Mom is just not aware - at least until you wrote the email - that you have been feeling this way. It sounds like maybe part two would be a follow up phone call to clear the air between you? It does seem like you both must be holding a lot of feelings that would likely dissipate were you to talk. It also sounds like you are close enough to do that with her.

Due to my family of origin, I am always feeling a little like the odd woman out. As I've gotten older, I've been able to deal with it more and more and feel it less and less. Despite the fact that I have an amazingly loving and close knit family, my own personal stuff still comes to the surface sometimes (especially where grandchild favoritism comes in). My job is to figure out how much of it is my own stuff and how much of it really is the situation at hand. And then I talk to my family about it which just about always solves the problem.

I hope that helps - big hugs to you because I know its hard. DD is really lucky to have you!

 

[kenny]

I'm sorry you are disappointed Mayk but your and her expectations of how family members 'should be' had 31 years to develop differently.

Family is a place were expectations are all over the map.
There is not just one way (aka the right way) for family members to behave.
I am continually astonished at how family expectations vary in people.
People who accept diversity do not accept it equally in their own families, probably since they were raised together (not apart for 31 years).

How family members are 'supposed to be' is one the biggest can of worms we all have to confront as we age and increasingly branch out and become ourselves, which is often different than what we were taught as children.
The reality is family members just vary.

+1 on this graphic.
She owns her choices and does not have to please you, but you own your expectations.
IMO, situations like this are a time to adjust your expectations.
I'd communicate all this with your DD.

 

[movie zombie]

yes, I would be royally ticked off.
you've "unloaded" in your e-mail to her.
actually, a healthy thing to do under the circumstances.....but what now?
I think i'd decline the meet and greet [because that is all that it really is] in Paris.
i'd tell DD that we were not invited to Africa.
then i'd plan a trip with her.

you are not going to be able to shield your daughter from the inequality.
it is going to become more apparent as she gets older.....she's already 16.
she is going to be hurt but she has to forge her own relationship with your mother.

we all want to shield our child from hurt.
your daughter however wants a relationship [at this point] with your mother.
i'd allow her the freedom to explore that with your mother but i'd also remove myself from having a very close relationship with your mother? why? well, its rather one sided it seems in that she is unable to be there for you. you have the right to decide what you need from any relationship and if its not there to also change your role in the equation. i'm not saying be rude but i'd not be overly friendly, making trips to see her, etc. i'd facilitate DD's ability to go visit with your mother when DD desires to do so...... and part of removing myself from the equation would be to be there for DD when the reality sets in re disappointment.

 

[partgypsy]

Wow, it is sad when family plays those favorite games. The only thing I'm a bit confused about, are you referrring to your biological or adopted Mom? I am assuming bio mom, but I could be wrong.
I think one of the posters got it right. She gave you away for adoption; while you have a relationship now, she never expected to have this kind of relationship with you or your daughter (her granddaughter). All her behavior she is making clear, that you and your daughter as not on the same level as her other children/grandchildren.

I know you already sent an email. But I also think it would be healthy to write a letter that is more kindly worded. About the positive things you feel about her, and that you want her to have relationship with your daughter, and your daughter would like to know her grandmother. If you don't feel comfortable doing that, then allow your daughter to write to her grandmother, and let them sort it out themselves. 16 is plenty old enough for whatever happens. It's not like it's a secret that you were adopted, correct?

Don't expect an Africa trip out of this. But maybe they will exchange letters and develope a relationship more naturally. And while things seem crazy right now, there is no reason why you can't plan a special trip with you and you DD in the future.

 

[TooPatient]

yes, I would be royally ticked off.
you've "unloaded" in your e-mail to her.
actually, a healthy thing to do under the circumstances.....but what now?
I think i'd decline the meet and greet [because that is all that it really is] in Paris.
i'd tell DD that we were not invited to Africa.
then i'd plan a trip with her.

you are not going to be able to shield your daughter from the inequality.
it is going to become more apparent as she gets older.....she's already 16.
she is going to be hurt but she has to forge her own relationship with your mother.

we all want to shield our child from hurt.
your daughter however wants a relationship [at this point] with your mother.
i'd allow her the freedom to explore that with your mother but i'd also remove myself from having a very close relationship with your mother? why? well, its rather one sided it seems in that she is unable to be there for you. you have the right to decide what you need from any relationship and if its not there to also change your role in the equation. i'm not saying be rude but i'd not be overly friendly, making trips to see her, etc. i'd facilitate DD's ability to go visit with your mother when DD desires to do so...... and part of removing myself from the equation would be to be there for DD when the reality sets in re disappointment.

This is exactly what I was coming back to add! (especially the bolded, but the rest too)

Your daughter will realize at some point. She probably already has noticed some of the differences.
She needs to have whatever relationship she is comfortable having, but she needs to be aware of the situation to make her own choice. You won't be able to protect her forever. There will come a time when she has it rubbed in her face and it WILL hurt. I think it would hurt a lot less if she was allowed to see the full relationship now and have time to adjust to the idea. Can you imagine what it would feel like to discover at the age of 25 (college graduation?) or 30 (marriage?) or older (birth of a child?) after thinking that you have a great relationship and are "equal" to the other granddaughter?

 

[Mayk]

Wow, it is sad when family plays those favorite games. The only thing I'm a bit confused about, are you referrring to your biological or adopted Mom? I am assuming bio mom, but I could be wrong.
I think one of the posters got it right. She gave you away for adoption; while you have a relationship now, she never expected to have this kind of relationship with you or your daughter (her granddaughter). All her behavior she is making clear, that you and your daughter as not on the same level as her other children/grandchildren.

I know you already sent an email. But I also think it would be healthy to write a letter that is more kindly worded. About the positive things you feel about her, and that you want her to have relationship with your daughter, and your daughter would like to know her grandmother. If you don't feel comfortable doing that, then allow your daughter to write to her grandmother, and let them sort it out themselves. 16 is plenty old enough for whatever happens. It's not like it's a secret that you were adopted, correct?

Don't expect an Africa trip out of this. But maybe they will exchange letters and develope a relationship more naturally. And while things seem crazy right now, there is no reason why you can't plan a special trip with you and you DD in the future.

She's my biological mother. My adoptive mother died when I was 21 years old.

I've always encouraged DD to call and write even when she's not good at it being a teenager. I've thought it was important and when I went through my divorce I told DD her grandmother was a safe place to take her frustrations with her dad and me. They have aways been close just not like the GD who lives closer.

I know I need to write or call. My heart just isn't in the right place yet. I'm still bitter... Which isn't good. I guess maybe I m being a jerk.

Also, not 100% sure I would allow DD if she was asked go to Africa with my 71 year old mother... I would feel safer allowing her to travel to Europe with her... If I wasn't making the trip. As for me.... I have zero interest in Africa I want to do Italy so bad I can taste it!

 

[Mayk]

yes, I would be royally ticked off.
you've "unloaded" in your e-mail to her.
actually, a healthy thing to do under the circumstances.....but what now?
I think i'd decline the meet and greet [because that is all that it really is] in Paris.
i'd tell DD that we were not invited to Africa.
then i'd plan a trip with her.

you are not going to be able to shield your daughter from the inequality.
it is going to become more apparent as she gets older.....she's already 16.
she is going to be hurt but she has to forge her own relationship with your mother.

we all want to shield our child from hurt.
your daughter however wants a relationship [at this point] with your mother.
i'd allow her the freedom to explore that with your mother but i'd also remove myself from having a very close relationship with your mother? why? well, its rather one sided it seems in that she is unable to be there for you. you have the right to decide what you need from any relationship and if its not there to also change your role in the equation. i'm not saying be rude but i'd not be overly friendly, making trips to see her, etc. i'd facilitate DD's ability to go visit with your mother when DD desires to do so...... and part of removing myself from the equation would be to be there for DD when the reality sets in re disappointment.

Solid Advice! Thank you!

 

[smitcompton]

Hi Mayak,

I will share with you some of the things I have learned passing through this life.

1. When people live a good distance away from the action, in this case daughters operations, they cannot guage what you need from them. Life continues for them as usual, and unless you request it you most probably will not get help. You should have requested help from your mother when you got home. I think she would have come. You don't really expect her to stop living her life when she thinks things are going OK?

2.I personally do not believe that people have to do things equally for either children or grandchildren or friends etc. Your mother sees that child often and has developed her own rapport with the GC. Taking one child on a trip is enough of a job, she doesn't need two.
You have said your daughter wouldn't care, but it seems she would like to go to Africa now. I think its better to explain this trip is for GM & and that GC. I would ask your mom to do something with your DD -just the two of them. It certainly doesn't have to be to Africa.

3. Try not to pit one cousin against the other. Its not their fault. Not to be trite, but life is unequal, no matter how much we want it to be other wise. Just ease your daughter through this. It does not mean you mother doesn't love your daughter. Proximity has made them bond with GD#2. I say lucky GD#2. Lucky DD, she has you. Thats usually enough in life!

4. Keep the relationship with your Mom. She has come thru in the past. For me, I have no doubt she loves you, and what a surprise you are in her life.

Annette

 

[SB621]

Oh MayK, your story is weighing heavy on me. I debated about responding but at the very least wanted to share my sympathies with you. Family is fickle and it is so hard to sometimes fine the "right" way to do things. I guess I just try to find the "right" way I can live with it. I could write novels about my family and still feel like I will never get out all the resentment I have towards them. I'll keep it short and say my grandparents have 10 grandchildren of which I'm the only girl. My other cousins have parents that are very well off. Mine are not good with money and have never made great decisions. period. about anything. Growing up I hated...perhaps not the right word, it broke me down on many levels to see my grandparents treat my cousins differently. They exceled at sports (their parents paid for big name travel teams), they exceled at school ($$$ private)....they pretty much exceled at everything and I thought were highly praised. I was just average. My grandparents ended up picking up alot of the bills for stuff for me. Though nothing was extravagent if I truly needed something they would help. They did not do this for my cousins. Now it is 15 + years later. I am close with 1 of my cousins, everyone else is rather distant. We had a unqiue conversation where I learned many of my other family members did not like the attention or the financial stability my grandparents gave me. They thought my grandparents were showing favoritism to me and it actually caused many fights among everyone. It is almost amusing to me that I grew up with a complex of being inferior to them, while they grew up annoyed that no matter what they did they felt they never got the attention I did. Ok so perhaps my story wasn't soo short.

Anyhow I just wanted to say yes this is shitty what your mother is doing. I think by trying to not rock the boat she is actually making it worst. My heart goes out to both your DD and your GD#2 because it is not fair to either of them. I have no advice on how to handle it. I can tell you my way is I don't speak to my family very much anymore. It is of course compounded with dozens of other issues I have with them so that is not based off of what I wrote above. I don't believe in band aid solutions. I don't always forgive and forget when I have been hurt, and it is so much worse when family is the cause. I think the email you sent to your mother was probably very theraputic for you?? I know it would have been for me. And truly I'm horrified she dropped all that on you when your DD was in the hospital. I will just say take a step back. If you mother wants to come around and be an active person then she will. I would talk to your daughter about all this. At 15 yo she is mature enough to understand, and she actually might even give you some good insight. perhaps in a few weeks when things are calmer with your DD, the move, the raw emotions you have had the last month you'll know what you are comfortable with doing. Until then ((((BIG HUGS))))))

 

[VRBeauty]

Mayk: My parents went through estate planning recently. A couple of things became clear from that and other conversations with my mother (my father may as well be mute ) about what they perceive as their responsibilities to their children where money is concerned. I'm not sure how universal these views are, but they may be a factor in what you're going through...

1 - My parents saw "fairness" as taking into account their kids' needs and resources. One of my SILs' parents appear to be fairly well-off and has only two (now grown) children. My mother was reasoning that she and my father could leave that brother and his family a smaller share of their estate since (they assumed) this family would be inheriting from the other side of the family.

2 - My parents are also willing to help out (especially where grandkids are involved) based on need, not taking into account bad spending habits or financial decisions their adult children may have made... even though my parents are themselves models of frugality and careful spending.

(BTW I'm hoping I talked them out of #1, and all of my brothers and I are adamant that we'd rather see them spend their money on themselves rather than scrimping so they can leave us money. For some reason they believe that it's their duty to leave us a monetary inheritance. )

I also agree with part gypsy and AME - the fact that you were given up for adoption may play a role. It also occurred to me that your mother's actions as you've described them are very immature - and that it's possible your mother is just kind of self-absorbed, and emotionally not capable of grasping other people's needs and feelings if they're not spelled out for her.

I honestly think that for your daughter's sake, you need to have a frank conversation with your mother about expectations and your role in her family, or at least your daughter's role in her family, and about how you think her actions would be hurtful your daughter. And - though I totally understand why you reacted as you did, I think the only way you can have that conversation is to start with an apology for unloading on her.

 

[movie zombie]

........., I think the only way you can have that conversation is to start with an apology for unloading on her.

I don't agree with an apology BUT I do agree that a conversation along the lines of ,"I would like to explain to you why I am so very angry and why I sent that e-mail to you." or "I would like you to understand why I sent you such an angry e-mail." or "I would like to explain to you why I am so angry with you." or......something along those lines. if she shows no interest in hearing your "why" then that says lots. if she says, yes, i'd like to hear your explanation, well then, perhaps it is worth having the conversation and being 100% honest.

in either instance defining your relationship with her is ok.

allowing your daughter to define her relationship is also ok.

your mother has thus far defined that relationship for herself and you find that unsatisfactory. you can tell her why it is unsatisfactory. she may or may not accept your view and she may not change her ways. all you can do is to ask her to think about it.
before you try and change anyone else remember how hard it is to change yourself.

you are responsible for your decisions. you can decide to put out an attempt to move forward on this or you can let time take its course. either way is ok. but know that it is ok to set limits even with your biological mother, especially since she seems to have no problem with setting limits, etc. herself.

you've been through so much. I hope you get some rest and take time for yourself. know that I really do understand because the way I look at it you shouldn't have had to ask for her help. had she really cared she would have asked what she could do. for me she is self-centered and probably always has been. that is ok. seriously, it is ok. the unfortunate thing is that you cannot have expectations that she is going to be there for you emotionally. so, again, take care of yourself through all this in all ways.

 

[Mayk]

So many great points... SB and VRBeauty.. Thanks!

I don't know what to say and SB is correct. The email was therapeutic. I had been biting my tongue. I hadn't said a word when they were here on vacation. My step dad made a big scene and my mother made my tell him I was sorry because he walked into my office while she and I were talking and said I'm ready to go. (It was 9 in the morning he was going to the beach and it was the first time I had my mother alone and we were discussing DD's visit to the doctor the previous day). He got mad when I asked if we could have a couple minutes. He walked out of the house and slammed the door so hard my pictures in my office shook. But I apologized, as requested to keep the peace. He then wasted two hours of our builder's time to talk about property he had zero intention in acquiring. He only entertains my mother's wish to return east. He was in rare form for thEir trip. So I was still mad about spring break... Then I was upset because after I made my decision about DD's surgery she kept asking the doctors out west what if questions and would forward the notes to me. I had done my research talked to a number of people and I was certain I wanted to be on this coast for our procedure. So when she started blasting me that night in the PICU I was awestruck that at midnight with me in tears calling to say the procedure had worked that she blasted me I was upset. But I was so tired and mentally frayed I knew it was not the time to react... So when I got home and we were getting up at midnight and 3:00 am and again if DD slid down in the bed and often not going back to sleep... I lost it... I didn't use bad language or call names I just called out the behavior I had found inappropriate. I had lost 10 lbs, I had the worst sinus infection I've ever had.,.. 15 days of antibiotics and steroids didn't cure it and I was toast. I was short on patience and long on exhaustion.

I do have to fix it... I just have to get my heart right and re calibrate my expectations.... To WAY lower....

 

[makemepretty]

I didn't read anyone's replies so excuse me if this has been said before....YES you are being unreasonable and petty.

Someone doesn't HAVE to help you, or offer, or do things fairly between grand kids. Life is not fair, get over yourself.

I help lots of people but nothing p.o.'s me off more than when I hear from someone that I helped someone and they want the same. A favor is a nice thing you do, not something that is required of you. I have a mother that has never once helped in a situation where I need ed it so to see you complain about what you wanted and didn't get seems really immature. I understand that you are hurt feeling wise but be a grown up and just accept it.

 

[dreamer_dachsie]

May you won't like what I am going to say most likely, but I will say it anyways.

First, I am not surprised that she has not spoken to you. A blasting e-mail in which you dump a laundry list of concerns on her is bad relationship behavior. Its called "kitchensinking" and it usually causes others to be defensive. She may or may not have had a clue about all the issues you dumped on her. My MIL did something similar to me at our last family visit. And we have not been close since. I don't trust people who keep things bottled up and then dump it all on your down the road, frankly. So, regarding that isolated incident and the reasons for why you are not presently talking... welll, an apology might be needed to open that door again for that specific bad behavior on your part.

That is completely independent of all the other resentments you have about your relationship with her. I like the graphic others posted as a general rule. Is this because you are adopted? I dunno. Many people have similar issues with birth parents. It think its too simplistic to hang all the issues on that hat-peg.

If you want to repair the deeper issues you will need to resolve the resentment you feel. You can do it by working on yourself -- you don't need to get anything from her to resolve your feelings. Just shift your expectations. Or you can work with her.Tell her that the ways she behaves hurts your feelings, that it makes you feel rejected and sad, that you feel second class and left out... tell her all of that if you want to voice your feelings. But do it in a calm and respectful manner and in the right moment. Focus on your own feelings and ask her to try and meet your needs. And talk about what it would take for your needs to be met. But, know that she may not be able to give you what you need. Sometimes you have to accept others' limitations.

 

[gregchang35]

Mayk,

Sorry that you are going through this. I am not sure if I can offer anymore advice that what has been said before. I guess that forging a r/ship late into the family and also from the other side of the country will have its tolls.

I am sending u big hugs.

 

[Kaleigh]

I think I would wait a bit. Things are raw.

I can see how you feel...

No one can tell YOU that your feelings are wrong..

This post makes me sad...

On many fronts but hoping you all can work through it..

BUT in no way are you being a jerk... You hold firm..

People dissapoint us... How we deal with that goes a mile...

Hugs..

 

[Mayk]

I didn't read anyone's replies so excuse me if this has been said before....YES you are being unreasonable and petty.

Someone doesn't HAVE to help you, or offer, or do things fairly between grand kids. Life is not fair, get over yourself.

I help lots of people but nothing p.o.'s me off more than when I hear from someone that I helped someone and they want the same. A favor is a nice thing you do, not something that is required of you. I have a mother that has never once helped in a situation where I need ed it so to see you complain about what you wanted and didn't get seems really immature. I understand that you are hurt feeling wise but be a grown up and just accept it.

Hey did you miss the part where she didn't help me... didn't show up when her first grand child spent 16 days in the hospital, didn't use her first class ticket but made the home opener of a football game.. and parties afterwards...... hey Makemepretty.. sure I need my big girl pants.. but you kind of have to "do something for me" for me to "appreicate it".. she doesn't give me money and in this case no emotional support... so your post.. wasted on me... completely

 

[Mayk]

May you won't like what I am going to say most likely, but I will say it anyways.

First, I am not surprised that she has not spoken to you. A blasting e-mail in which you dump a laundry list of concerns on her is bad relationship behavior. Its called "kitchensinking" and it usually causes others to be defensive. She may or may not have had a clue about all the issues you dumped on her. My MIL did something similar to me at our last family visit. And we have not been close since. I don't trust people who keep things bottled up and then dump it all on your down the road, frankly. So, regarding that isolated incident and the reasons for why you are not presently talking... welll, an apology might be needed to open that door again for that specific bad behavior on your part.

That is completely independent of all the other resentments you have about your relationship with her. I like the graphic others posted as a general rule. Is this because you are adopted? I dunno. Many people have similar issues with birth parents. It think its too simplistic to hang all the issues on that hat-peg.

If you want to repair the deeper issues you will need to resolve the resentment you feel. You can do it by working on yourself -- you don't need to get anything from her to resolve your feelings. Just shift your expectations. Or you can work with her.Tell her that the ways she behaves hurts your feelings, that it makes you feel rejected and sad, that you feel second class and left out... tell her all of that if you want to voice your feelings. But do it in a calm and respectful manner and in the right moment. Focus on your own feelings and ask her to try and meet your needs. And talk about what it would take for your needs to be met. But, know that she may not be able to give you what you need. Sometimes you have to accept others' limitations.

Dreamer.. Tough love always accepted... you're correct there's some long time backage there and letting stuff build up to keep the peace and then unloading.. not a good practice.. and I should have continued to wait.... just like in the spring, and when figuring out DD's care and when she blasted me at the hospital.. but being tired and exhausted emotionaly and phyically got the best of me.. with no energy.. i broke.... we've all done it.. I said in a post just before yours.. I know I need to fix it.. but I can't until I get my heart right.. and that's going to take me a little time... thanks...