Input wanted please--

[ame]

Every year my family "adopts" a family through my parents church. We are typically given a family that is large and needs a lot of help. The family they gave us this year is a smaller family (smaller meaning "only" 5 people) and the list is essentially giftcards. Normally we get a big family (like 7 or more sometimes) needing LOTS of stuff, and asking for specific stuff, this time we got "giftcards" to a variety of stores, nothing specific for anyone. That's abnormal for what we're usually given, since the organizers usually try to give us a family we can overload. We like to give them the things they ask for and need, plus a little extra to really give them a nice christmas.

The family this year has a 13 year old girl and I was thinking besides just gift cards, I wanted to get her a makeup bag with some neutral makeup. I was thinking about getting her a makeup bag, filled with brushes, an eye palette with neutrals, a neutral blush, a lip gloss or some tinted lip balm, and maybe a mascara and lash curler and some remover wipes or something along those lines. My mom liked that idea because it's starting her off right and it's something to open that's not just a gift card.

But when DH heard that he flipped out. His initial response was "you don't know if they are letting this girl wear makeup. You also don't know if she's white, black, latina, or asian or which race this child is, and she is a CHILD." (which is why I said neutrals, they work for all skintones.) He further went off screaming at me that "you people (meaning my family) do not get that what is "fun" for you is not "fun" for other people. They need help, and they're already probably ashamed to ask for it, and here you are trying to make what they need "fun" and going overboard with this crap every year. You don't get it. Get them what's on the list and quit trying to be heroic every year."

I am debating going and buying it all, setting it aside, and then if I discuss further with my parents and they agree with what he's saying, I can take it back.

Thoughts?

 

[rosetta]

I would definitely not buy any makeup for a 13 year old without checking with the parents first. I don't really get why your husband blew his top though. Best to get everything on their list, but if you want to get them extra stuff, I think you shouldn't be discouraged from doing so!

 

[smitcompton]

Hi Ame,

I think giving should be fun for the giver and the receiver, after essentials are taken care of. I'm with you, most girls like the makeup-nailpolish thing and as long as its not too big, I would take a chance and get it. Find out from the pastor their ethnicity or race and find the appropriate make-up.

Just my own 2 cents. I do not like gift cards as gifts. Perhaps grandma can do it for teens, but not a needy family, the exception food. Its a nice thing you do ame.

Annette

 

[junebug17]

He has a point of not knowing her skin tone, and her parents might not allow her to wear make-up yet. A shame he got so mad when you're just trying to do something nice though I think it would be nice for her to have something to open too - when my daughter was 13 she was really into those gift baskets that have body wash, lotion, body spray etc.

 

[ame]

We won't be told anything about this family other than ages and sex of the people. They give us no input beyond that, which is tough. We have no way to contact them or confirm with the parents what is ok. I did think that if the child isn't allowed to have it, the mom can always snatch it for herself Either way. When I was 13, I had a TON of makeup, high end by that point, because I spent MY money that I earned on it. I also was doing my own fake nails (I know...) and had been dying my own hair for several years. I couldn't wear makeup to school technically, but I still kinda did.

I am considering getting the Bobbi Brown Makeup for Teens book to go with it and maybe I'll scale back on the actual MAKEUP items and get like nailpolish, skincare, and like lipgloss and makeup brushes and stuff.

I have no idea why DH flipped out, but he seems to not like that we go all out, he feels like we're obnoxious by trying to impose our idea of fun on people who are in dire straits and that our desire to provide them with a nicer christmas than is possible for them right now is "obnoxious" and embarrassing. The lady that runs this thing at the church or usually does, goes out of her way to give us the "hardest cases" because she knows what we do. She knows our family well, and she knows we really want to help the families we get. We're not trying to embarrass them. We want to give them what they need and things they otherwise would not ask for in this situation but would maybe like to have.

My prize purchase last year was that LeapPad 2 thing, the one child wanted it, and it was sold out EVERYWHERE, and two days before the gifts were due I came across three of them at Target, and grabbed two of them and ran like a spaz to the register, so each of the kids got one and neither was left wanting for anything. Apparently the grandmother raising them was brought to tears that we were not only willing to provide ONE, but made sure BOTH kids were gifted such a thing, PLUS games appropriate for each age. Knowing that both kids had a great gift beyond what they "needed", something that will entertain and educate, something that they'd otherwise probably want but not get, that is why we go "nuts".

 

[marymm]

As another POV re: gift cards versus actual gifts to people in need - often gift cards can be stretched further, whether by going to the after-holiday sales or by carefully choosing exactly what is needed by the family member(s).

As to the 13-year-old girl, as others have pointed out, you don't know the family so you don't know the parents' view on makeup nor do you know if the girl is even into makeup and, if she is into makeup and allowed to wear it, you don't know her preferences or style. I will say I would be hard put to think of one single young teenager girl who is permitted to wear makeup who chooses to wear neutral shades...

I get that you want to choose actual gifts, and that you want the girl to have an "extra" (not just a gift card), but what if you select one of those Bonne Bell Lip Smacker variety packs or some pairs of colorful thick socks? These have nothing to do with family rules or with race/skin type but are still fun (and useful) gifts for a young girl.

 

[qtiekiki]

Sorry your DH blew up over the issue. But I would not be happy with someone giving my daughter make-ups. I would be ok with lip gloss, but not full on make-ups.

 

[VRBeauty]

I agree with your husband. Not all parents allow their daughters to wear makeup at 13, and it could be seen as disrespectful of them to make that decision for them. In considering the family's needs, you have to keep in mind their need for dignity.

 

[partgypsy]

I also kind of agree with your DH. I was not allowed to wear makeup through high school. Most of my girlfriends did not wear makeup simply because, well they just didn't. My niece is 13 and doesn't wear it. So it's a highly personal preference. Some people may even see it as some kind of inference, like they are not pretty without makeup.

There are some things that are pretty safe regardless of the girl, which are nice bath products (things to put in a bath, shower gel, body lotion) and lip balms or tints. But other than that you may be wasting money buying things that she would never use.

 

[movie zombie]

not only do I agree with your husband, i'd go a step further.
while you had high end makeup at 13, not every girl is allowed to have makeup and not every girl is going to be able to keep up with the expense of having even low end makeup......and in some ways it is also saying that girls must have make up or they're not real girls, girls need to be sexy, etc.
the message you are sending may not be a message her parents want her to receive.
if they asked for gift cards, get them gift cards.
empower them to be able to make their own shopping choices.....and feel good about that!
and if you absolutely must send the message that girls must have makeup, go to a makeup store and get a gift card......an additional gift card over and above what they asked for or the spending "cap".
yeah, i'm with your husband.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

The make-up idea is fun, but 13 is probably too young. That would make her in probably either 7th or 8th grade. By 8th grade, many girls are wearing full makeup, though in 7th, I do see some girls wearing it, but it looks inappropriate (mostly because they do not know how to apply it and wear too much!). How about getting her something fun that isn't full face makeup, like an assortment of philosophy lip glosses...

http://www.philosophy.com/holiday-gift-set/under-the-mistletoe-lip-shine-set,en_US,pd.html

or bubble bath/gel

http://www.philosophy.com/holiday-gift-set/peppermint-stick-stocking-stuffer-duo,en_US,pd.html

If you have a Nordstrom Rack by you, then you might be able to find Philosophy shower gels there. The other day, I bought Carmel Apple in the jumbo size for $13.95. They also have the lip glosses there, as well, so you can get a better deal on them. I plan to buy one for a girl who wants to wear make-up (she's 10 or 11) b/c they're clear and candy cane, etc, are fun, not really adult. I had a tube of the candy cane and felt silly wearing it so I gave it to a friend's daughter.

 

[monarch64]

If I were a 13 year old girl without money to buy things for myself, I would appreciate having gift cards with which to do just that. Being able to choose and buy your own personal care products at that age (if there is a WalMart or other discount department store GC involved) would probably mean a lot to a teenage girl.

I think your idea is really sweet and thoughtful, but probably more appropriate for a niece or cousin you actually know.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

Ame--your DH is offering his perspective; you may not like his delivery, but makes some valid points.

You and your family are kind to provide help to families at Christmas. If you wanted to provide body products--there are alternatives, like lotion and shower gel. Thing is GC's are very useful--altho people eschew them--as people can get not only what they want, but need.

cheers--Sharon

 

[Mayk]

Ame, I love your idea and agree about buying thing like lip gloss or make up brushes. Maybe a gift card for Walgreens in a make-up bag.

We go the YMCA every year and pick angels off the tree. I always let DD pick a girl her age and plan her Christmas. I love to see her shop for someone who isn't as fortunate. It's a highlight of our year. I always include gift receipts when we are doing gifts.

 

[Smith1942]

I think the Bobbi Brown Makeup For Teens is a wonderful idea. 13 isn't that young - she might be only a few months off her 14th birthday. Girls become fascinated by lipgloss etc at about age 10 - probably because they're not allowed to wear it! I remember Avon doing a line of kids' nail polish and lipglosses for about age 10 - it was play stuff, but even so. I remember loving it. Even at my well-respected school, at age 13, girls were allowed to wear what was described in the school rules as "discreet daytime makeup."

Yes, it would be great if she never gave her looks a second thought and spent all day buried in the works of Jane Austen, but you can't deny human nature, and the human nature of the majority of adolescent girls is to want to look pretty. Think about it: she isn't that young, almost certainly has started her periods if she's 13. I think she's definitely old enough for some discreet neutral makeup. She might also have spots she'd want to cover. Who else in her life is ever going to give her nice makeup like the Bobbi Brown line? She will be utterly delighted, I would think.

 

[ame]

I think the Bobbi Brown Makeup For Teens is a wonderful idea. 13 isn't that young - she might be only a few months off her 14th birthday. Girls become fascinated by lipgloss etc at about age 10 - probably because they're not allowed to wear it! I remember Avon doing a line of kids' nail polish and lipglosses for about age 10 - it was play stuff, but even so. I remember loving it. Even at my well-respected school, at age 13, girls were allowed to wear what was described in the school rules as "discreet daytime makeup."

Yes, it would be great if she never gave her looks a second thought and spent all day buried in the works of Jane Austen, but you can't deny human nature, and the human nature of the majority of adolescent girls is to want to look pretty. Think about it: she isn't that young, almost certainly has started her periods if she's 13. I think she's definitely old enough for some discreet neutral makeup. She might also have spots she'd want to cover. Who else in her life is ever going to give her nice makeup like the Bobbi Brown line? She will be utterly delighted, I would think.

I considered getting her one of the Bobbi palettes that has like four shadows and a blush. But I might see if there's a Sonia Kashuk option like that, which is equally good quality at a better price point should she want to find other options. I hate to start her on something that high end and then have something happen and her be unable to replace it. I am reading all of your responses and really thinking about this carefully. I am going to give a gift card on top of what I give, that's a given as that was on the list of requests. And she might well NOT care about this stuff, or the mom might want it for herself. Who knows. But girls of this age DO want to explore, and they're GOING to figure it out, whether their mom wants them to or not. Why NOT give them a decent start? I plan to include a gentle facewash and moisturizer for proper skincare as well.

 

[soxfan]

What about a gift card to sephora? If she doesn't do make up, they have skin care, perfumes, and other beauty essentials.

 

[chrono]

I wear makeup less than 5 times a year and if I have daughters, I would not allow them to wear makeup until they are out of school (college age), so as a receipient, I would frown upon my daughter receiving makeup gifts. I admire your willingness to share your time and money with a needy family but it is better to play it safe. Simple items such as bath items and general facial care products will be a nice addition to the gift cards.

 

[purplesparklies]

My son is 12 and in 6th grade and none of the girls in his class are wearing make-up of any kind. It is not allowed at school. Period. Lipgloss only. I know most of the parents and they are not allowing make-up outside of school either. I know I wasn't interested in make-up at all until I was older. I was very into sports at that age and didn't care in the slightest about make-up. I never did wear much and frankly, I still don't.

 

[iluvshinythings]

I think your DH is probably upset about something else and just sideways venting. You are doing a nice thing and have good intentions so I think his reaction is a little odd but I do agree with him about the make up for a 13 year old.

When my daughter was 13, she was allowed to wear nail polish, lip gloss and mascara. period. Have you thought about an assortment of nail polish and manicure tools?

 

[MichelleCarmen]

My son is 12 and in 6th grade and none of the girls in his class are wearing make-up of any kind. It is not allowed at school. Period. Lipgloss only. I know most of the parents and they are not allowing make-up outside of school either. I know I wasn't interested in make-up at all until I was older. I was very into sports at that age and didn't care in the slightest about make-up. I never did wear much and frankly, I still don't.

Last year, when my son was in 6th, he noticed one girl was wearing makeup and he commented on it and told me she was wearing "too much." I started noticing that the girls in 6th and even a couple 5th graders ALL looked really slightly "off" when they wore makeup, even if it's subtle shades. They over apply the makeup or it just looks inappropriate. Who are they trying to attract? I don't think kids that young should be "dating," although, in 7th grade now, there is PDA that we've had to witness and it's just Kids need to be kids.

Gloss is fine or nail polish. Just ONE fun make-up item on at a time so the rest of the girl still looks like a kid.

 

[decodelighted]

I also kind of agree with your DH. I was not allowed to wear makeup through high school. Most of my girlfriends did not wear makeup simply because, well they just didn't. My niece is 13 and doesn't wear it. So it's a highly personal preference. Some people may even see it as some kind of inference, like they are not pretty without makeup.

HELL NO ON THE MAKEUP. It's hard to believe you'd consider it really. For all you know this girl is a tomboy who will be humiliated by that choice, rather than simply not liking/using it. It really is a case of you viewing things through an extremely narrow prism of your own experience/preferences.


ETA:

There is no objective "really nice" when it comes to things like status brands etc. You're putting your own judgements about what would be "best" for her to "start with" etc etc. It's feels somewhat classist. Exerting control over what's chosen. Feeling superior. Yuck.

The urge to help out is indeed a noble one. But I wholeheartedly agree with your husband's sense that it's veering into a more imposing, "here's what you should aspire to" kind of judgyness. As opposed to responding to their stated needs/desires accordingly.

 

[JulieN]

Lots of 13 yos are not interested in makeup or their parents don't allow it. I have a cousin who just turned 16 and her little sister is 13/14, and neither of them wear makeup because they are disinterested.

 

[Cluless]

Hi ame,

Your intentions are good, I would maybe check out this web site and see if there's a chapter nearby and offer to pay for her enrollment to their programs. I can't find a fee but if within your budget it would be way more empowering than make-up.

https://www.girlsinc-online.org/i-belong/find-a-girls-inc

http://www.girlsinc.org/findagirlsinc./girls-inc-usa-and-canada.html

 

[Smith1942]

If you get the makeup, be sure to get the Bobbi Brown Teen instruction book. You don't want THIS to happen:

 

[momhappy]

I agree with your husband - a big, fat "NO" to the make-up idea. To many unknown variables and there's no way that I would purchase make-up for a 13 year-old girl. You don't know if she likes make-up, you don't know if her parents would allow make-up, and you don't know her race (making the appropriate color choices more difficult). Your pushing your own agenda here, and while the sentiment is nice, it's not at all appropriate in my opinion. Stick with the gift cards, so that the family can get what they truly need/want.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I love that it is your family tradition to do this, Ame!!!

I am going to have to agree that make-up is just something strangers cannot buy for someone when they don't even know their race or even if they are allowed to wear it. But what I do know is that my girls at 13 loved some of those bath and body items from Bath and Body Works. We still give those as birthday gifts and that kind of thing. I just think make-up is too personal and needs to be between the mom and daughter.

 

[momhappy]

^FYI - not everyone can tolerate Bath & Body Works products (or similar). Perfumed items (even lotions) can be a real issue for some people. I get terrible headaches from perfume and strongly-scented lotions. Again, I think that gift cards are the way to go here.

 

[dragonfly411]

I think the Bobbi Brown Makeup For Teens is a wonderful idea. 13 isn't that young - she might be only a few months off her 14th birthday. Girls become fascinated by lipgloss etc at about age 10 - probably because they're not allowed to wear it! I remember Avon doing a line of kids' nail polish and lipglosses for about age 10 - it was play stuff, but even so. I remember loving it. Even at my well-respected school, at age 13, girls were allowed to wear what was described in the school rules as "discreet daytime makeup."

Yes, it would be great if she never gave her looks a second thought and spent all day buried in the works of Jane Austen, but you can't deny human nature, and the human nature of the majority of adolescent girls is to want to look pretty. Think about it: she isn't that young, almost certainly has started her periods if she's 13. I think she's definitely old enough for some discreet neutral makeup. She might also have spots she'd want to cover. Who else in her life is ever going to give her nice makeup like the Bobbi Brown line? She will be utterly delighted, I would think.

I considered getting her one of the Bobbi palettes that has like four shadows and a blush. But I might see if there's a Sonia Kashuk option like that, which is equally good quality at a better price point should she want to find other options. I hate to start her on something that high end and then have something happen and her be unable to replace it. I am reading all of your responses and really thinking about this carefully. I am going to give a gift card on top of what I give, that's a given as that was on the list of requests. And she might well NOT care about this stuff, or the mom might want it for herself. Who knows. But girls of this age DO want to explore, and they're GOING to figure it out, whether their mom wants them to or not. Why NOT give them a decent start? I plan to include a gentle facewash and moisturizer for proper skincare as well.

So you asked for input, but you are completely ignoring everyone's input. You SHOULD NOT get a 13 year old girl makeup without knowing the parents and how they raise their child. PERIOD. You may end up making a needy family not want to go this route again by doing something like that. If you want to get them something nice besides gift cards, then get them a gift certificate to a restaurant, or write them a nice card or a nice box of chocolates, but buying a 13 year old make up is the WRONG WAY TO GO!!!!!!

 

[chrono]

^FYI - not everyone can tolerate Bath & Body Works products (or similar). Perfumed items (even lotions) can be a real issue for some people. I get terrible headaches from perfume and strongly-scented lotions. Again, I think that gift cards are the way to go here.

Ditto; anything scented (bath and lotion products, candles, perfumes, etc) bothers me greatly although I know lots of girls would love such things.