Input wanted please--

[movie zombie]

actually, I have a chemical allergy which means I am allergic to most make up.
chemical? EDTA.

what, this is a jewelry website and no one mentioned getting her a pendant?!

actually, I think that is also out of line unless she gets it with her gift card after getting her real needs taken care of.

pie? think i'm in for a pumpkin cheesecake!

 

[Kaleigh]

actually, I have a chemical allergy which means I am allergic to most make up.
chemical? EDTA.

what, this is a jewelry website and no one mentioned getting her a pendant?!

actually, I think that is also out of line unless she gets it with her gift card after getting her real needs taken care of.

pie? think i'm in for a pumpkin cheesecake!

Pumpkin cheese cake... OMG yes please!!!! Yummmm...

 

[ame]

I will figure out the best course of action and see how it goes as the gift cards pour in. We usually make them significant value, for each person. We also usually include money outside of giftcards so they can pay bills or have a meal out in most cases (that's usually my grandpa's inclusion). And whatever I do for the girl, I will include a giftcard so she can get whatever she wants--and if there's a specific store mentioned for her, in which case I will throw that in. As for gift receipts, they won't accept them. We've tried in the past, in most cases for the reasoning that if something is broken they can exchange, but the social workers won't allow it so we put them in an envelope to give to the social workers just in case. We never know what happens with them.

FWIW: I am also violently allergic to Physicians Formula, as well as most skincare, anything with castor oil and lanolin in it (so burt's bees is out), and I get pussy, bleeding blisters from something as seemingly simple as aquaphor (hope you weren't eating!) but in general nearly anything lip related I cannot touch. I usually can only use Vaseline on "rare occasions" even. I have the tinted one that I use for when I need to "dress up" and that's about all I ever do with lip stuff. My mom is the same way.

IF I get makeup or skincare, it will be as super-sensitive-hypoallergenic as I can get, based on what I use for myself simply because I don't react, and I'd like to assume (keyword assume) no one else will because I am the guinea pig for all of it. IF I get makeup it will really be SIMPLE, and will again include an added gift card to let this girl go bonkers on whatever else.

 

[Gypsy]

I am allergic to Physicians' Formula.......

Oh wow. Good to know. I've only used their mascara, and have not reacted to it, so that's why I recommended that.

Make up is a mine field.

I'm on board with pecan pie or pumpkin cheesecake. Or anything with chocolate.

 

[AprilBaby]

Great idea! Get gift card to bakers square! I want silk pie!

 

[luv2sparkle]

I didn't read all the pages, but I just wanted to say Ame, that I love what you and your family are doing. What a sweet thing. I don't think it even matters as much what goes into it. It seems to me that all the thought and time you put into doing this will make it just perfect, no matter what you decide about the make-up. How sweet and thoughtful you are.

 

[Smith1942]

I didn't read all the pages, but I just wanted to say Ame, that I love what you and your family are doing. What a sweet thing. I don't think it even matters as much what goes into it. It seems to me that all the thought and time you put into doing this will make it just perfect, no matter what you decide about the make-up. How sweet and thoughtful you are

.

+1.

Actually, +1000.

 

[LaraOnline]

I think something extra that is FUN is an amazing idea! My family didn't have much so I'm very familiar with getting JUST the necessities. The extra little things that are just because are so special when you don't have much.

Please do keep in mind the variety of opinions on makeup at 13 BUT you should have FUN gathering together something nice for this girl. Even if you knew her, you aren't guaranteed to get just exactly the right thing -- your kind and generous thoughts will shine through!

A fun and personal gift is what Christmas is all about.
My daughter has just turned nine. For at least a year she has shown an Interest in makeup.
And she is an extremely studious and unpretentious girl attending a good school.
She likes all kinds of lipstick, mascara, shiny highlighter type lotions ( say, pinky silver and bronzey gold).
She loves all types of nail polish. She has to have a plentiful supply of remover as she is not allowed any at school.
She also adores hair chalks.

Make of that what you will! Ame, I applaud you and your personal, generous approach to this young lady.

 

[LaraOnline]

asking for gift cards is not asking for $.
it is asking to be empowered to shop and provide for one's child as other parents who have more are doing.
it is asking to be recognized as an adult who can make proper decisions for one's own child.
it is asking to be able to buy the right color, size, etc. for one's own child.
it is asking to be able to enjoy an experience with one's own child and not treated as a "have not".
it is asking to be treated as equal and responsible.
it is asking to help in the way they have decided they need to be helped, not in the way that someone else thinks they need to be helped.

admittedly, it is also possible to exchange the cards for $ and use that $ for drugs.
it is also possible to use the cards strictly for the parents own benefit and the kids will go w/o.

but once a gift is given, it is given.
what happens after that is the receiver's responsibility.
the receiver could exchange clothing gifts for other things as well.
mom could take that high end make up for herself.

at the end of the day, my choice would be to Respect the desires of the family and put aside my own desire to fulfill my own need regardless of how good my motivation might be. it is the holiday season. I would want that family to celebrate in a way that makes them all feel good. my choice would be an additional gift certificate that would allow the family to purchase the food of their choice for a holiday meal.....or special meal later in 2014.

but then it isn't me, is it?!

This.

Actually, in this case I'm thinking gift cards make the gift giving more transactional.
Gift cards are all about impersonal giving, similar to granny's $20 note in a Chrissy card.
Practical yes but transactional. Other families haven't insisted or asked specifically for gift cards in years past, probably because the spirit of the programme inspired them to ask differently. The programme doesn't really seem to be about a straight transfer of money.
But I agree it would be a shame to get the family things they don't want or need.

 

[ame]

I got my hands on the list and it's...really not much. Not even specific gift cards, not much at all, frankly. We are not allowed to give cash anymore, either. Any money donated not in the form of a gift card gets handled by the social worker to pay specific bills.

Also of note...we were given either a different family than originally expected OR they told us the wrong ages.

The ages are 16 yo girl, 14 yo boy and 9 yo girl.

There's not one specific thing, just a few clothing sizes. The 16yo is about my clothing size. But literally NOTHING specific.

 

[momhappy]

I've sponsored families for the Holidays for years and there's never really anything specific on any given list, which is fine with me. Gift cards from places like Target, WalMart, etc. would allow a family to get pretty much everything that they need/want (clothing, toys, houseware items, food, etc.). Having the gift cards gives them the ability to shop as they see fit, which is what they would be doing anyways if they had their own funds to do it.

 

[ame]

This is the first time we were given a list that was not incredibly specific with specific toys and clothing items being requested. The list literally states ages, sexes, clothing sizes which they put on via the social worker and "gift cards". No specific stores, no specific anything. And that this year no cash can be given directly to the family. So we'll figure something out as a group to help them and get them what they need plus hopefully a fun something for each of them.

 

[TooPatient]

This is the first time we were given a list that was not incredibly specific with specific toys and clothing items being requested. The list literally states ages, sexes, clothing sizes which they put on via the social worker and "gift cards". No specific stores, no specific anything. And that this year no cash can be given directly to the family. So we'll figure something out as a group to help them and get them what they need plus hopefully a fun something for each of them.

I'm glad you found out now and not later!

Good luck! I'm sure your family will make it a special time for them.

 

[ame]

I hope so. We really try to give the families we get a great holiday and I really hope that we're successful.

 

[dragonfly411]

Ame - I did want to say that I do think you are awesome for being generous, so I hope you don't think that I don't think that. I think it's a great thing to give to others. I have a group who sponsors a family locally and each of us gets the gifts of one individual. It's a truly fulfilling thing to do. I do hope you find the right thing. I just don't think Makeup is the best way to go for a girl so young in a family you don't know. I agree with the idea of working around the stores she has specified, to try to find something there she would like. Another thought I had was a cute calendar, or maybe a journal, OR maybe a silver bracelet or necklace that says something like hope, love, or something positive.

 

[aljdewey]

Ame,

I think it's wonderful that you're generous enough to think beyond yourself in wanting to make others' Christmas special and memorable.

I'm going to restrict my comments to the story you told about your husband, and I have two comments on that.

First, I agree with him that make-up is a choice laden with potential pitfalls because 1) her parents may not allow it (and then they get to be the 'bad guys' on Christmas, which isn't fun), or 2) they may have cultural observances that don't allow it. With so many parents here saying they'd not want their child to receive make-up, I'd take that as a pretty good indication that perhaps a better choice could be made.

That said, ANY gift is likely to be unsuitable for any number of reasons. I probably like to do a "movie in a box", including some theater popcorn, redbox rental vouchers, movie candy, etc. that a family can do together, but I'm sure someone would chime in about the potential evils of candy, supporting obesity in kids, blah blah. It seems there's no shortage of opportunities for people to take a kind gesture and turn it into a platform for their crusades. I think to an extent, one needs to worry less about coming up with the 'perfectly PC gift' and focus more on hoping that your thoughtfulness is conveyed no matter the gift.

Second, while I may share your hub's opinion that make-up is really not the best choice, I do not understand his anger about your desire to make someone else a nice Christmas or his terming your family as "you people". That, I think, is out of line. It is not a character flaw for people who are fortunate enough to have more than they need to want to share it with others who have less. The world honestly needs MORE of that sentiment, not less. I wholeheartedly disagree with his characterization that you are all trying to be 'heroic'; I think you're trying to pass along the very magic that Christmas should be, and it's a damn shame he doesn't appreciate that basic premise even as he disagrees with your choice of gift.

I did see later in the thread that you do now have sizes, and if I recall correctly, you live in the Midwest in an area where cold weather may be the norm. Perhaps some nice warm jackets would be good gifts. Where you can't include receipts, I'd probably include a little note in the gift where the jackets were purchased so the families could exchange if they weren't suitable.

ETA: If you wanted something personal, perhaps a locket for the girls or an I.D. bracelet for the boy (maybe with gift cards for engraving of their choice). Again, the point isn't to pick something that's iron-clad perfect - we all buy gifts from time to time for people we don't know well, and we just do the best we can and hope that our sincere thought is conveyed by the effort.

 

[ame]

Thank you! I don't know what his "deal" was/is about it, but he thinks of this stuff SO differently. And for as well as he otherwise would communicate his feelings on something, he sure sucked at this particular instance.

Since we do have sizes, coats are actually now part of our list, as are gloves. That was something my aunt and uncle said right out of the gate, because we have no idea what they have in hand, and we're going to make sure they're attended to that way, so they should be covered there, thankfully.

With the ages being defined--there is NOT a 13 year old girl, and NO stores being identified (like none, nothing specific beyond sizes, ages and sexes at all), we are going to have to be creative across the board even with gift card requests. They will definitely have a good fund to get things for themselves and for the household plus at least something for each to open that is practical and then something fun.

 

[dragonfly411]

Thank you! I don't know what his "deal" was/is about it, but he thinks of this stuff SO differently. And for as well as he otherwise would communicate his feelings on something, he sure sucked at this particular instance.

Since we do have sizes, coats are actually now part of our list, as are gloves. That was something my aunt and uncle said right out of the gate, because we have no idea what they have in hand, and we're going to make sure they're attended to that way, so they should be covered there, thankfully.

With the ages being defined--there is NOT a 13 year old girl, and NO stores being identified (like none, nothing specific beyond sizes, ages and sexes at all), we are going to have to be creative across the board even with gift card requests. They will definitely have a good fund to get things for themselves and for the household plus at least something for each to open that is practical and then something fun.

AME!!!!!!!!!!! I just had an idea. What if you provided funding for them to do a family photo shoot together?? Many lower income families cannot afford to have professional photos done and I know those memories are something the entire family would cherish for a lifetime! Photographers will generally make a point to do group photos as well as individuals. You could also request that they do so. Then individuals have photos of themselves as well as group photos that they can enjoy.

May not even be an interest but it was a random thought!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I got my hands on the list and it's...really not much. Not even specific gift cards, not much at all, frankly. We are not allowed to give cash anymore, either. Any money donated not in the form of a gift card gets handled by the social worker to pay specific bills.

Also of note...we were given either a different family than originally expected OR they told us the wrong ages.

The ages are 16 yo girl, 14 yo boy and 9 yo girl.

There's not one specific thing, just a few clothing sizes. The 16yo is about my clothing size. But literally NOTHING specific.

There was a gift card drive that we participated in last year. All of the recipients were teens who went to an alternative school. One gift card that was really popular/highly requested were ones to gas stations, so gift cards to stores that had both food/gas (and even clothes) might be great (just in case the family doesn't have a car). And, keep that in mind...if you have an approximate idea of which city they live in, make sure the gift cards are easily accessible in case transportation is an issue.

ETA - and we gave a GC to a store that sells EVERYTHING - food, clothes, gas, makeup, housewares, gardening, etc....

 

[ame]

We plan to do something like target or walmart despite no one in my family patronizing walmart, but we know others will, and we're going to do several gas station cards. They're definitely local to us, probably within my parents church or a neighboring parish, so that helps us with local options. My mom is going to call to see if there would be any specific store requests from the family, especially related to the kids so they can get what they want more specifically.

I will mention the family photo idea to my mom and she can pass that on and see if that's an option they will allow. Doing what I do, I obviously know LOTS of photographers who would help out, but that might cross lines for anonymity.

 

[Laila619]

Make up is not a good idea IMO. That said, it's very sweet that you do this every year, Ame. You are a kind and thoughtful person.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

We plan to do something like target or walmart despite no one in my family patronizing walmart, but we know others will, and we're going to do several gas station cards. They're definitely local to us, probably within my parents church or a neighboring parish, so that helps us with local options. My mom is going to call to see if there would be any specific store requests from the family, especially related to the kids so they can get what they want more specifically.

I will mention the family photo idea to my mom and she can pass that on and see if that's an option they will allow. Doing what I do, I obviously know LOTS of photographers who would help out, but that might cross lines for anonymity.

Yeah, better to keep it anonymous. Also, if you do a photography gift certificate, be sure to include GCs to stores for clothes because the family may not have clothes that would be ideal for family portraits. A lot of people who do family photos these days, I've noticed (even if they're well-off) still wear jeans, but they always have really nice shirts/sweaters on plus hair done up.

Oh, and that reminds me, you could even give gift cards to hair salons...that's a more practical basic approach to grooming and fun for the 16 year old.

 

[monarch64]

Yes to coats!

Now you can send me the Bobbi Brown schtuff.

 

[Gypsy]

That is hard Ame.

Very hard to get even moderately personal with no information at all.

do you have a used bookstore chain locally? I find that there is usually one 'reader' in a group of five people. So if you have a Half Price Books or anything like that, a give card to one might be a nice thing.

Basic restaurants that are chains would be good to. Panera for Atlanta Bread or Corner Bakery are good ones that have things just about anything can eat at.

 

[Jax172]

I was not allowed makeup at 13 and many girls just are not into makeup - it is a very personal item and not an appropriate gift coming from a stranger. Something like a funky pair of sunglasses could be great. Or a hat or scarf or fun socks. Something that is cool and on trend but more of an accessory so you don't have to worry about sizes.

 

[SC86]

Ame, it seems like your heart is in the right place!

I think makeup is personal (whether you wear it, what you use, etc) and would not like receive it as a gift from someone I didn't know.
Fun, age-appropriate books or board games or accessories (scarf, gloves..) would be a nice "extra" to give.

 

[msop04]

...That said, ANY gift is likely to be unsuitable for any number of reasons. I probably like to do a "movie in a box", including some theater popcorn, redbox rental vouchers, movie candy, etc. that a family can do together, but I'm sure someone would chime in about the potential evils of candy, supporting obesity in kids, blah blah. It seems there's no shortage of opportunities for people to take a kind gesture and turn it into a platform for their crusades. I think to an extent, one needs to worry less about coming up with the 'perfectly PC gift' and focus more on hoping that your thoughtfulness is conveyed no matter the gift.

...Again, the point isn't to pick something that's iron-clad perfect - we all buy gifts from time to time for people we don't know well, and we just do the best we can and hope that our sincere thought is conveyed by the effort.

Can I get an AMEN??!!

100% agree with aljdewey's comments.

Since these families would not be receiving much of anything this holiday season (if it weren't for caring people like Ame and her family), anything in addition to what they've asked for will really touch them -- even if it may not be what they would've chosen for themselves.

Ame, FWIW... you could always make your purchases at retailers such as Wal-Mart, Target, Walgreens, CVS, etc. -- they will take anything back (without a receipt) for a store credit. Problem solved. Kudos to you and your family!

 

[Indylady]

Can I be in for pie too?

 

[movie zombie]

yes, Indy, you too may be in it for pie!
currently, pumpkin cheesecake is being served: would you like a slice?

 

[MichelleCarmen]

That said, ANY gift is likely to be unsuitable for any number of reasons. I probably like to do a "movie in a box", including some theater popcorn, redbox rental vouchers, movie candy, etc. that a family can do together, but I'm sure someone would chime in about the potential evils of candy, supporting obesity in kids, blah blah. It seems there's no shortage of opportunities for people to take a kind gesture and turn it into a platform for their crusades. I think to an extent, one needs to worry less about coming up with the 'perfectly PC gift' and focus more on hoping that your thoughtfulness is conveyed no matter the gift. .

Redbox is a good idea! You're right that parents will chime in about the obesity thing. One year, I volunteered at a school fundraiser where sugary foods were being sold for 25 or 50 cents (I forget)...and some of the kids helped me so I gave a few kids the treats and paid for theirs out of my wallet. The next day, the school called me and apparently one of the parents called and complained about me giving their child (a YOUNG kid - 1st or 2nd grade) the treat b/c the kid was suppose to be watching her weight! Ah!

You can always give things that come in packages and are more easy to share w/the entire family. But, either way, you literally CANNOT win. You might give what you think is fun candy and the kid may have braces and not be allowed to eat it. The variables are literally ENDLESS! Or, they could have celiac, be allergic to nuts, be allergic to milk, be kosher, be vegan, (or as I previously mentioned, diabetic) (All this comes to mind because every year, a new set of food rules are made in the classroom to reflect which kids are super allergic to whatever!) I always bring in treats for school parties and one time stood in the candy aisle for 1/2 hr too paranoid to pick anything b/c I didn't want to be responsible for the nut allergy kid having a reaction. (And, now I always sign up for soda!