I lost my dad. So sad.....

[susimoo]

My PS buddies,

I have wanted to post this for a while, but wasn't able to. I have some diamond updates for you in the next few days at couldn't post them without acknowledging what has been one of the hardest times in my life.

My dad has been ill/not quite himself for a little over a year, getting loads of tests etc. He had a heart complaint, but given his age, 78, he was in good shape. He was given the option to have heart bypass surgery to give him a better quality of life in the coming years.
He chose this option. When he went in for the operation in February, he was told his heart had deteriorated considerably since his last tests in November 2010.

The operation took place on 22.2.11. It was a success. We were all so happy and relieved. He came home about 10 days after the surgery and was so positive and happy. That only lasted a couple of days and then he became despondent and very negative about his recovery.

We had been told that this was a normal reaction to such a serious operation.

Anyway, he seemed better if depressed. On Friday 25.3.11 I took him and my mother to the doctors as he was breathless. The doctor took blood tests and changed his medication. The doctor was very pleased with his progress to date and told him to continue as normal.
Having spoken to my dad he said several things to me that meant he was thinking about death. I was worried but pushed it to the back of my mind.

The next day he was better, not great, but better. He wanted to go and get a haircut. So I took my parents and our daughter Sara into town. He got his haircut and we went to one of my brothers house for lunch.

He ate, laughed and had a wee sleep. On the way home, we dropped dad off at the house and we went to the supermarket. When we came home I dropped mum off .

I asked mum if she wanted me to come in with her, she said no. I paused, everything was ok, so went home. (we live across the road from each other)

Less then 10 mins later I got the call. Mum and dad had spoken when she got home. She had made him comfortable on his chair and she went upstairs to change. When she came down, he was gone.

I called the ambulance whilst holding his hand, mum and Sara were hysterical in the kitchen. I couldn't/didn't do anything. I knew he was gone. I feel very guilty about not doing anything. It haunts me.

I cannot believe it. It sounds silly but I never once thought he wouldn't get through it. He was the strongest most determined man I have ever known.

Now, in less than 10 weeks Sara and I move to Australia, to be with my husband who went out in January to start his new job.

I am so lost. I cannot believe he is gone and now I have to leave my mum. I have 4 brothers who will take the best care of her ever, but I feel so guilty.

PS friends, if you made it through my epic post (sorry), tell me how to get through this. If you have been in a similar position, what helped you.

I have seen many here get great help and support. I need your words of wisdom now. Thank you for taking the time.

 

[Jennifer W]

You know that I'm thinking about you and your family. I don't have any words to lessen your grief, only time can do that, but you're in my thoughts and prayers.

Looking forward to seeing you soon, when you're ready to go out and face the world again.

Hugsxxx

 

[Autumnovember]

I can't even begin to explain how sorry I am for your loss!

From the bottom of my heart, I am so so sorry you had to go through this.

I'm going to keep you in my prayers for a while---and hope that you and your family are able to have some peace in your hearts.

Again, I am very sorry

 

[kelpie]

Oh Susan, I'm so sorry. I can't imagine the grief you and your family are feeling. All I can say is I want to offer you a hug and let you know that many people are thinking of you and your family and wishing you well. Your Dad sounds like an amazing guy.

 

[dani13]

Oh Susan, I am so sorry. Your story made me cry. I know no one can heal your pain right now, but I will be praying for you, your dad, and your family as you go through this very difficult time. Lots of HUGS.

 

[Circe]

I am so terribly, terribly sorry for your loss. Anything else I could say feels trite ... but I'll be thinking of you and your family.

 

[JewelFreak]

Susan, my father died in a similar way, after heart problems for a couple of years. The day he died, he talked about how much better he was feeling, almost joyously. That night he was gone in seconds. He was 53, I, 17. Nothing anybody can say can take away the sadness & loss. There are a few things I've realized, though, in the 45 years since then.

It seems the last thing possible, but the time will come when you are more grateful to have known your dad than you are sad to have lost him. As you experience things good as well as hard, meet the challenges thrown up by life, you'll reach inside yourself for strength & you will realize much of it comes from what he taught you or examples he showed you as he faced his own life. Somehow that knowledge becomes stronger and more important, the older you get.

He is with you forever. Stuff he taught you, interests he may have opened up, your model of what a good man is, all that & more, are part of you. He changed you -- and you will pass that on to everyone in your life, thereby changing them. His life mattered & you carry it within you every day.

Practical advice, I can tell you how I did it with Dad & my mother, who died after 2 horrific years of fighting cancer. One day at a time, an hour at a time if necessary, not looking to tomorrow because you can't change tomorrow yet. Don't feel guilty for grieving -- the idea that we're selfish to do so is wrong. What better gift can we ask than that somebody misses us? If you feel like bawling, go ahead. It will ease as time passes & you realize his goodness, his love, honesty, gifts, his self, are still all around you.

You could not have saved him, so waste no time on that. We assume that burden when inevitability is inexplicable. Your mom isn't alone either; you have no guilt on her part. He wants you to go on with your life & live it well -- he raised you to do that. He's with you on the journey.

--- Laurie

 

[packrat]

I'm really very sorry about your Dad.

 

[OUpearlgirl]

I am so sorry for your loss. I have no great words of advice, but you and your family are in my thoughts.

 

[JewelFreak]

Not to make the last post too long, I am doing this one separately. This sermon helps me every time I lose someone.

Death is nothing at all…I have only slipped away into the next room. I am I and you are you. Whatever we were to each other, that we are still. Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used. Put no difference into your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh, as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together. Play, smile, think of me. Let my name be ever the household word that it always was. Let it be spoken without effort, without the ghost of a shadow on it. Life means all that it ever meant, it is the same as it ever was. There is absolute unbroken continuity. What is this death but a negligible accident? Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am waiting for you for an interval, somewhere very near, just around the corner. All is well.

Henry Scott Holland
Church of St. Just
Roseland, Cornwall​

 

[iLander]

First, you have nothing to feel guilty for. There is nothing you could have done, that's just the way life it is, it was his time. You did absolutely the best that could be done. Everyone feels that way after some one passes, it's a perfectly natural reaction, but realize it's simply not true. You're not a doctor, you're not a paramedic, and honestly, I don't think even a doctor would have helped in that situation.

You are not superhuman, and no one expects you to be. Please stop expecting that of yourself.

There's nothing you could have done.

Your mother has 4 sons to be near her and you can Skype or call her every day if you want. She will feel fine and be supported, please don't worry about her, you're doing the right thing. Please don't feel guilty, your mother would feel terrible if you changed your plans to stay with her.

You're father isn't gone, half of you is him. He is with you every single day, and always will be. When my mother passed, I took comfort in seeing her chin and her smile, on my face, every single day. And half of her is me. I am also one of those people that believes the spirit lives on and that he is also with you, and your mother, in spirit.

So, try to feel better. It will take time, and you will notice that the good days will (very slowly) outnumber the bad. You won't feel bad forever. Try to enjoy the good memories. Let the guilt go, it's not the truth.

Hugs.

 

[yennyfire]

I am so very sorry Susimoo. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Hugs...

 

[kenny]

So sorry for your loss.

 

[tyty333]

I am so sorry Susimoo.

I have no words of wisdom but maybe if you thought of your father as not really being gone but being on a wonder trip somewhere
doing something he really loved.

 

[susimoo]

Thank you, each and everyone of you. I am with my mum right now and I am trying not to cry. I will reply to you all later.
I feel blessed and humbled in equal measure to receive your replies. I cannot tell you how much all of your words, prayers and thoughts mean to me.

Thank you.

 

[that_someone_special]

I am very sorry for your loss I hope that your happy and positive memories of him can help you through this difficult time.

 

[D&T]

awww Susimoo- I am sooo sorry about your dad . My condolences and lots of [Hugs]

 

[marcy]

I am so sorry about your dad. Hugs to you. Thinking of you and your family.

 

[luv2sparkle]

I am so sorry for your loss, Susimoo. Many many hugs and prayer for you......

 

[yssie]

Oh, susimoo - I'm so sorry. Hugs and words aren't nearly enough - my heart hurts for you.

I'll be praying for peace and healing for you, your mother, and your family in the days, weeks, months to come, and you have friends on here anytime you need a ::hug:: or to vent.

Please take care of yourself, and please don't blame yourself - there is *nothing* that you should've done differently. And as iLander said - whenever your mother needs you, you're just a skype call away.

 

[lliang_chi]

Susimoo, hugs to you! I'm so sorry you're going through such a tough time. Words can't express how anyone can feel in such a situation. Stay strong, friend.

 

[dragonfly411]

I'm terribly sorry for your loss. I'll be sending lots of prayers and positive thoughts to you and your family in this difficult time.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I am so sorry. Guilt is a very common phase of grief, though you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty. The time he spent with you in his final hours were enjoyable and I'm glad you were able to spend that time with him.

Lots of hugs to you and your family.

 

[Skippy123]

My heart goes out to you and your family; I am so very sorry. Thinking of you and your family.

 

[vintagelover229]

I'm so sorry for your loss

HUGS to you and prayers for you and your family during this rough time.

 

[somethingshiny]

I'm sorry you lost your dad. It sounds like you had a close relationship with him. Take comfort in knowing that he got to be with his family during his last days. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Prayers outgoing for your comfort.

 

[princesss]

I'm so, so sorry for your loss.

 

[Blackpaw]

Oh gosh susi im so so sorry im thinking of you and your mum and family...

and remember that though its hard right now, your mum and dad want you to live your life, and would want you to be in Aus with your family...

 

[junebug17]

Oh susi, my heart goes out to you, I'm so very sorry for the loss of your dear father. Please try not to feel guilty, there truly was nothing you could do. And don't feel guilty for living your life. Your mom sounds like she has a great support system, and with all the technology available today it will be easy for you to stay in close contact with her. You and your family have my deepest sympathies and I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. It sounds like you were very close to your dad, I hope the special memories you have of him will bring you some comfort during this difficult time. (hugs)

 

[stci]

susimoo, I'm so sorry for you and I feel your pain.

Your Dad is fine now. He look at you from the sky.

Your Mom have 4 sons near her. Difficulties are for you. You have to leave and the timing is really bad.

Don't feel guilty hon... you have to fight with loss too! I think the thing is do your best for your mother for now and let your brothers do when you must go elsewhere with your love.

I lost my father when I was 19 and I can say he is with me since this time. Mom was very raisonable and only the time can help to alleviate pain. For you and your mom, it's time to cry to help and ask God Father to assist you in your mourning.

Don't forget I love you... and I will pray for your father, you, your mother and all your brothers.

Just close your eyes and try to remember the good time with him...