I feel bad, gave an honest opinion on friend''s ring

[lyra]

I've been lurking here for some time, absorbing as much knowledge as I can. I also have some experience, having taken 2 years of gemology courses many years ago (I wanted to become a gemologist then). Anyway, today a neighbour came by to show me the e-ring he had just bought, and asked me to look at it. I asked him if it was okay if I used my loupe (my eyes are bad!!). He said definitely. The first thing I noticed was the colour. He said it was H, I said I didn't think that was quite right. It was definitely yellowish, without using the loupe, and from a distance. It is a WG setting. Looking through the loupe, there was a large inclusion on and slightly to the side of the table at one corner. He said it was VS2--I said I didn't think so. I asked him about the cut grade, and explained that I couldn't possibly assess that on my own. He said it was "Good". He asked me the ballpark price he should have paid. I didn't want to say, and good thing, as my guess was $1K less than what he paid for the .59 ct stone. I did ask him if he looked at more than one stone, and if this was the best looking one to him, and he said yes, so I feel at least he made some good effort there. ETA- there were also other visible inclusions besides the big one.

He is getting it appraised independently, and I told him that if it didn't come back as what he was told he was buying, that he should either seek a refund, or a discount. The advice I gave him before he went to look at loose stones was get the best CUT possible, and go down in colour and clarity if necessary. He had a very small budget. But I feel bad because my husband told me after that I should have just lied or something. He said that's what was "expected". I am not comfortable with lying, obviously. And of course I said that he did good, and that it's a nice ring and she will love it. (I also made sure that he had an upgrade option, which he has at least). I wish he'd consulted me earlier or given me more time. Or that I hadn't been asked for an *honest* opinion! Just venting, and wondering if I did the right things. He immediately told another neighbour that I "didn't like the ring", and her response was "Hmpf! I have a VVS2 and *I* can clearly see the inclusions in mine, what does she know!". Well, that's a whole other conversation...

 

[door knob solitaire]

Wow what a first post.

Hi and welcome, by the way!!

I think your were trying to be helpful. You weren't being catty or condescending. You have years of education on gemology and you have spent some time here and obtained knowledge you were just wanting to impart to a friend. Had you spent months lurking on a plumbing site you may have an opinion on a purchase of a toilet!! OK, that comparison was silly. But you have a passion for it ...and a concern for a friend.

I am sorry the comment from your husband made you second guess...or feel differently about what you said. Just hang tight until the appraisal is done. I am sure when you put your head on your pillow tonight you won't be fretting over the evil you did...because you didn't. (Unless of course you are leaving out the fact that you called his stone a tiny piece of junk and what in the world was he thinking...and that you could have picked one better with your eyes closed

You didn't did you?)

You were only trying to be helpful and there is a short window of time that he must act on the purchase. I think you may have done him a great service.

DKS

PS> I don't think a .59 carat is tiny by the way ...I was just using that for impact!!!

 

[decodelighted]

Ooooh ... sticky situation. I feel for the guy but when you ask for *honesty* -- ya better be ready for it! If he went to the urologist do you think he''d expect to hear "Wow -- what a huge specimen!" -- or get an actual assesment of any, um, signs of illness??

Welcome BTW!!!

 

[lyra]

Thanks for the welcome! I guess it was a longwinded first post.

I originally came here because I''m working on a 25th year anniversary upgrade for next year. So yes, I personally like to be as prepared as possible and take my time. My neighbour was in a rush, and to be honest, the very first thing that popped into my head was "My, that''s a yellow stone!". I''m notoriously bad at judging colour unless I have comparables, so if I see yellow, it must be a bad cut at the very least. My husband has a very keen colour sense. Luckily I kept my first thought to myself.

As an aside, my 20 year old daughter was there, and she later said her first thought was "What a small stone!". Good for her!!

I should add that my own e-ring of 24 years has only a .25 in it, and she got a promise ring from her ex BF that was that size. Sheesh. Times have changed!

 

[door knob solitaire]

Lyra...I didn''t mean to imply a complaint about the length...trust me ...I am the windiest

wind bag on the board. My posts are rarely short

. I meant that is quite a delimma to be your first post.

When do you think he will learn from the apprasial? I seem to be rooting for your findings. Is that terrible?

DKS

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Hello!
Don''t feel bad - he asked for an opinion! It''s a tough position to put you in, not least because if the appraisal confirms your opinion, and you''d told him it was perfect etc, he would suspect that you''d lied. You were in a no win situation and you did your best, I think!

Jen

 

[lyra]

DKS- I''m not sure when he gets the appraisal. I''m not sure if he''ll tell me about it or not either. I think he''s proposing today, not sure. But ack! I just can''t get it out of my head how yellow that stone looks. It has to be the cut, more than the actual colour I think. I have smaller G, H and I stones and they are all very white. I think I''m obsessed.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Welcome, Lyra! You certainly will fit in well here!

I would have had to be tactfully honest, too. I think my first question would have been...can you still return this?! I hate seeing anyone getting a poor quality diamond. We have made mistakes in the past not knowing what we were doing and I hate to see anyone else buying poor quality for an engagement ring. But hopefully she is blissfully ignorant about diamonds and will just be thrilled to be engaged. Ugh!

 

[lyra]

I know she told him to go for size above all other considerations. I can understand that. Most younger women around here feel the same way. I tried to be tactful, but I''m so bad at that when I''m really put on the spot in front of several people like I was. And eagle-eyed daughter was noticing things from a good 3 feet away. (I''ve taught her well, although she often says I''m unrealistic in my expectations for what she should have for an engagement ring!)

To balance this out, I have a 17 year old daughter as well, who has never even imagined wearing any sort of diamond. I bet she''ll be the one to get some huge honker someday, and not care the slightest.

Thanks for the welcome. It might be hard to shut me up now.

 

[gwendolyn]

Don''t feel badly. He asked for honesty! From someone wielding a loupe! If he was looking for a pat on the back to calm the jitters or summat, then he should''ve said so.

 

[lumpkin]

I think it was better to tell him the truth as tactfully as possible. If he hasn''t proposed yet he still has time to change the ring, and if it comes back from the appraiser the way you think it will, he will value your opinion. If you had lied, then he got an appraisal (and hopefully the appraiser will be honest) and it came back the way you think it will, what would he think then? That you didn''t respect him, his money and his fiance enough to be honest?

I know a lot of people will say they want an honest opinion when they want someone to agree with them, but I always say, "Don''t ask my opinion if you don''t want it!" Honesty with tact is always the best way, IMO.

 

[Stone Hunter]

I agree with Lumpkin. I''ve asked people for their honest opinion. And then I''ve listened to their points. Valid points. And i''ve taken their advise.

Now when I don''t ask I don''t accept advice...but he asked you.

 

[Harleigh]

Hee hee hee...you used my favorite word...honker! Love it!

Welcome to PS!

You''ll fit right in, let me tell ya!

I think you handled the situation the best way you could at the time, and if he really does get it appraised, he should be in for a big shock, which may make him mad that you were right, but at least you DIDN''T lie to him. It seems you spoke to him with tact and diplomacy, and much like many men, he probably HATES when he realizes he should have asked for help.

Try not to worry, and be sure you let us know if you find out what the stone was graded at!

 

[diamondfan]

Hi and welcome!

This is one of those sticky times, because he asked you, and if he did not want your honest feedback he should not have asked for it. You were only trying to help. And, the people who are making catty comments are only showing their lack of knowledge, which may not make you feel better but does at least explain their silly remarks.

I am sorry you are in this boat, since you are clearly not trying to be nasty or hurtful and are only trying to help him. I am always curious about people who SAY they want your help and want you to be truthful, but really do not want to hear it in the long run, or the short run either!

Good luck, and maybe try not to answer the door next time he comes calling!