Husband/FI work opposite schedule than you?

[DMBFiredancer]

i was just wondering if anyone else here is going through this...
i work days (730-330) and my FI works midnights (leaves around 8pm and comes home around 730am.) he is also taking classes towards his degree, so on 2 nights i dont even get to see him at all after i get home from work.

i''ve been pretty used to it since we started dating (5 years...lived together for 4 of them) but lately its really started to bother me for some reason. (maybe i didnt deal with how i truly felt for so long?)

i''m just wondering how you guys deal with this....is this something that can become a major issue in our marriage? will it get harder for me to deal with it as time goes on? we dont plan on having kids, so i guess im just starting to get this fear of feeling lonely most nights even though i will be married.

please share your experiences with opposite schedules and how you cope. i''d love to hear some success stories (and even some non-success stories)

thanks

 

[Elmorton]

You asked a question that I'd been thinking a lot about too (although mine is slightly different - I'm curious as to how much time most couples actually spend together and what is "normal").

For the first three months of our marriage, DH and I worked different schedules, too. While it's not uncommon in his line of work to work afternoons to late evenings (around midnight), his previous job had him going from about 4pm to 1 or 2am with an hour for dinner. I left for work at 6am and arrived home at 5pm. We survived it because he had a couple mid-week days off and then I had weekends weekends off so we'd squeeze in time there and he worked close to our house so he'd come home for dinner. Otherwise, I hated it the situation. I tried to stay up and wait for him, but it would result in my getting 4 hours sleep and then sleeping through our dinner together the next day. I've never been so exhausted than those first months.

He started at a new paper in Nov and has more reasonable hours now - he works 9-5 on days that he doesn't cover something and mid-afternoon to about 11:30 on nights that he works til deadline. So our schedule is only partly opposite now. Also, since moving here, my job situation hasn't been the best (working part-time) so we're seeing each other a lot more than ever. It's been very good, but I'm also feeling very unproductive and actually missing a little bit of the time we used to spend apart. We're really searching for a balance, and probably won't find it until I'm working full time or closer to full time.

So...coping stuff. Do you have pets? It sounds silly, but DH and I used to talk a lot about how the kitties kept us company when the other wasn't there. Just being able to talk to something/one and not feel like a fool can be comforting. While I was frustrated a lot with DH's schedule, I would also push myself to be a better friend since I had more time with my friends. I had two friends that I'd call for long conversations once a week and then several that I'd sortof "rotate" in to keep in touch. I took an evening class at the Y...

I don't think there is anything wrong with feeling frustrated with the situation. After your FI earns his degree, will his job (and hours) likely change? For us, just knowing that there was light at the end of the tunnel (though we didn't know when that would be) made it a lot more bearable. Have you discussed how you feel with your FI? Maybe just discussing it would help alleviate a little bit of the anxiety, and you can focus together on making the most out your QT as a result.

Hang in there!

ETA: I just realized you have the most ADORABLE kitty as your av, so yes, you likely have a pet. What gorgeous eyes!!

 

[joflier]

DH is self employed, so he works at least 6 days a week and all day, and into the evenings sometimes.....I work from about 2-10 in the evening. For me, it hasn''t been a big deal, because I know that he''s working his but off for me and us and to create a better more comfortable life for the 2 of us! I think too, in your situation, some of those hours will get cut back, once he has his degree, so just look forward to the fact that its just a temporary (on those 2 nights) Good luck, and as always, just talk it out together too! That always helps!

 

[Gemma12]

Hi DMB,

It doesn''t happen very often but when I work nights (5pm- 8am) and DH works days 8 am-7pm we don''t see a lot of each other!

Fortunately we usually have at least a day a week that we spend together (ideally not doing busy work).

DH also comes in early and has breakfast with me as I finish work-heads to work a bit late on those days. Sometimes I go in and have a coffee with him before my shift starts. Fortunately his work is more flexible than mine!

It is hard but doable-you do have to be organised so that your days off aren''t spent running errands and are actually quality time.

HTH!

 

[DMBFiredancer]

thank you for your replies! i do have a kitty, so st least she keeps me company, but its still not the same as having my FI there.
i keep trying to keep in my mind that it is only until his school is done in another year and a half...then hopefully he will find a new job and get on a new schedule.
i''m also trying to keep myself busy with things to do myself - i went to the library and took out some books last night and i am thinking of taking up scrapbooking.

this line really hit me " I would also push myself to be a better friend since I had more time with my friends" - i think i am going to start concentrating on that part of my life, too.

thank you for your advice,everyone!

 

[diamondsrock]

dh and I have been married since 1994 and we''ve been on opposite schedules the whole time. He works early afternoon to late night (sometimes midnight). There is one day per week where he works a day shift. I work 9-5. I have weekends off, plus I get one weekday off. He has 2 weekdays off. So we do get to spend one day per week together, but it''s not easy. At the beginning I was pretty upset with it, but this is the business he is in (chef) so I have to suck it up and deal with it. By now I am used to it so it doesn''t bother me anymore, but it did for a long time. I have my own hobbies and friends to keep me interested so I''m not bored, but sometimes I do envy couples who can have dinner together every night. My teenage son keeps me company, but he''s at the age where he hangs out with his friends, so I find myself alone a lot lately. That part has been tough, but that''s another story!