Dreamer_D
Super_Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Dec 16, 2007
- Messages
- 25,505
I think a lot of us have been in this position at some point in our marriage. I know early in my bling mania my husband was sad about my desire to change my ring. He was sentimental. He bought into the implicit social norm that the ring reflects HIM and my love for the ring reflects my love for him. And for a good long while this hurt was present for him when we talked about my jewelery.
He is a very caring and sensitive man, so I was not blunt with his feelings. I assured him I love him and that my rings are just jewelery. But I did just what I wanted to do without giving him desires too much weight in terms of my actual behavior. For me, this issue was a bit of an issue of boundaries and control. I wear the ring, why should he control it or have say in it? I know some men and some couples feel differently about the symbolism of the ring -- that it is a concrete representation of the man's love for the woman. But I don't particularly ascribe to that view. So we had to negotiate a little about this issue until he understood my perspective, I think. For me, letting me do what I want to be happy is a much better example of his love!
He eventually got used to my changing nature. And I also stopped talking to him too much about jewelery and especially any disatisfaction I might have had (which helped a lot). He knows what hijinx I am up to, certainly, but at this point he is secure enough in our marriage that my ring does not make or break his perception of my love. He wants me to always wear A ring, a desire I am more than happy to accommodate. But he does not care anymore WHAT ring I wear.
And he has also learned to take pleasure in my pleasure in my ring. Psychologists call this transformation of motivation -- when one partner adopts and takes on as their own the other partner's goals and desires. Its an ingredient in healthy relationships. But it takes a little time. You just need to help him transform his motivation so his desire to to help you meet your bling goals, not make you bend to his.
He is a very caring and sensitive man, so I was not blunt with his feelings. I assured him I love him and that my rings are just jewelery. But I did just what I wanted to do without giving him desires too much weight in terms of my actual behavior. For me, this issue was a bit of an issue of boundaries and control. I wear the ring, why should he control it or have say in it? I know some men and some couples feel differently about the symbolism of the ring -- that it is a concrete representation of the man's love for the woman. But I don't particularly ascribe to that view. So we had to negotiate a little about this issue until he understood my perspective, I think. For me, letting me do what I want to be happy is a much better example of his love!
He eventually got used to my changing nature. And I also stopped talking to him too much about jewelery and especially any disatisfaction I might have had (which helped a lot). He knows what hijinx I am up to, certainly, but at this point he is secure enough in our marriage that my ring does not make or break his perception of my love. He wants me to always wear A ring, a desire I am more than happy to accommodate. But he does not care anymore WHAT ring I wear.
And he has also learned to take pleasure in my pleasure in my ring. Psychologists call this transformation of motivation -- when one partner adopts and takes on as their own the other partner's goals and desires. Its an ingredient in healthy relationships. But it takes a little time. You just need to help him transform his motivation so his desire to to help you meet your bling goals, not make you bend to his.
. I grew up mostly in Kirkwood, and then left for college, law school, and then working in Chicago for about 7 years. Happy to be home - and to finally be moving to our potential "forever home." 
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