How to let go of resentment and negativity?

[Indylady]

How do you let go of resentment and negativity?

I recently had a very emotionally draining problem in my work place, an area of my life that I work very hard for, and one that is very meaningful for me. I don't want to get into the details on a public forum, but did want to provide a context so that dear PS'ers would not worry about me. Though the problem nearly a month ago and was resolved soon after, I find myself thinking of it often and continuing to feel a great deal stress, including strong resentment, sadness, disappointment and anger. It has become a major problem for me; I think of it often, and I find myself getting stressed about it all over again. The others involved, that caused my stress--are likely not even bothered or thinking of this experience anymore. My resentment of them and the situation is likely to only bring me down. There's a saying that I don't remember now--something along the lines of, "Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." How can I help myself let it go?

Thanks in advance!

 

[missy]

Hi Indylady, I'm sorry you had such an unpleasant experience. It is a tough one to be able to let go of resentment and negativity but it is the best thing you can do. Don't think of it as forgiving the other parties involved so much as moving on for what is best for your emotional and physical well being. It's not so much as for the other person/people involved as it for yourself.

Holding onto anger and resentment hurts you in the long run. You cannot control the behavior of other people and life is not always fair but you certainly can control the way you react and feel when others behave badly/unfairly. Don't give them the power to keep hurting you. Let it go, take the lesson(s) learned and move on and forward. Remember what happened so you can hopefully not have a repeat and perhaps (without knowing the details) move on to better and more positive experiences elsewhere if necessary when the time is right.

In the meantime enjoy activities that bring you inner peace. Whether that be yoga, meditation, running, reading, watching old movies etc. I find time is seamless and oh so enjoyable when I am cycling for hours on end by the shore. These things bring me peace and happiness and make other issues less powerful and troubling and puts things in a greater perspective for me.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this and sending you hugs for a successful resolution within yourself.

 

[Ally T]

Sorry you have been put through such stress, Indy.

What helps for me is to ask myself what I learned from the whole experience. Even if what I learned was that such & such was a two-faced cow bag, at least I LEARNED something positive from the whole episode. It is tough to turn it around, but it does help. Make a list of what happened, how it made you feel & what you learned. Then try to move forwards. Good luck.

 

[JewelFreak]

IndyLady, resentment & anger are a heavy burden to carry around, as you're finding. It's a very human reaction; everyone except Buddhist monks experiences it -- and they do too before they learn how to let it float downstream.

One thing I do involves serious thinking about the saying, "Look at the past, but don't stare at it." Learn the lessons the incident can teach you, but don't rehash it over & over. I ask myself, "Can I change the past?" No, it's done. Over. "Am I permanently injured by it?" No. "Am I going on to better things in life?" Definitely! Do those people matter to your inner, real, self? Not at all.

Whatever character faults led them to cause the situation will make them get into similar ones again. If you resent that they sort of skated on this one, be sure the time will come when they won't. You may not be around to see it, but Karma is powerful. Leave them mired in their unpleasantness. If you carry them along in your life, they win; by letting them not matter, you do.

Wish them the best & cast them off downstream. Stop yourself when you begin thinking about them, change the mental subject. Lighten your own load. (The more you do it, the better you get at it.)

--- Laurie

 

[iLander]

There's a Taoist exercise that helps teach this point, exactly:

Imagine two people facing each other, hands up, palms pushing against each other. They are angry and each hopes to push knock the other over. They push with all their might, but they are equally matched. Then one suddenly stops pushing and withdraws his hands. Their balance is lost and his opponent falls. The first man "wins" because he has stopped pushing, his anger is gone. It's more effective to actually try this with a friend, but do you get the idea? By giving up his anger, he is the ultimate victor, and his anger can no longer be used against him.

Or you can just put super glue on the schmuck's keyboard.

 

[rubyshoes]

I understand exactly what you are talking about. Here is what I did:

I wrote an "open letter" to the person and I didn't hold anything back. I was mad and it was super nasty! I wrote down every single horrible outcome I would like that person to experience. Then I tore it up.

That helped some.

Then, I wrote an "open letter" to myself with a list of things I learned. And believe me, you learn SOMETHING from every negative experience. For eg you could write "I will not be a pushover in the future. If I feel like saying something, I will say it instead of holding back" or "I have learned loaning money to friends is a terrible idea unless I am ok with never getting it back" or "I have learned I have a really low tolerance for flaky people and it is really not worth it to me to maintain friendships with them" etc. You get the drift...

That helped too.

Eventually the resentment and negativity will subside. Venting to friends or on boards like PS helps, because you know someone else "hears" you and they support you. Have you heard of Byron Katie? I am not super familiar with her work, and some of the things she says are a little too la la land-y for me but she has these worksheets you can do that are AWESOME. Check out her website http://www.byronkatie.com

 

[crown1]

You have already received some good ideas. My thought would be for you to realize that all of us go thru things of this nature over a life time. I have certainly been in some myself. Although I find it difficult, I have to try to understand there are always three sides to a story. Some how I have to find a way to move on. It does no good to hang onto unpleasant thoughts as it only brings us down. I have found being grateful for what I have been given and trying to do better myself helps me. I also know I have not been without fault in my life and I have to forgive if I expect to be forgiven. Difficult to do, absolutely. I am pulling for you to get past this difficult time. I wish you the best!

 

[JewelFreak]

Maybe you've seen this story. I keep it to read, myself, when I need to. It might help.


An old Indian grandfather said to his grandson, who came to him with anger at a friend who had done him an injustice....

"Let me tell you a story. I, too, at times have felt a great hate for those who have taken much with no sorrow for what they do. Hate wears you down and does not hurt your enemy. I have struggled with these feelings many times.

"It is as if there are two wolves inside me. One is good and does no harm. He lives in harmony with all around him and does not take offense when none was intended. He will only fight when it is right to do so, and in the right way. He saves all his energy for the right fight.

"But the other wolf, ahhh!

"He is full of anger. He cannot think because his anger and hate are so great. It is helpless anger, for it will change nothing.

"Sometimes it is hard to live with these two wolves inside me, for both of them try to dominate my spirit."

The boy looked intently into his grandfather's eyes and asked, "Which one wins, Grandfather?"

The old man smiled and quietly said...

"The one I feed."

 

[movie zombie]

I ask myself why i'm still hurting/angry/resentful....what is it in me from my past. usually there is something from my childhood or experience which is triggered and results in this holding on. once I realize my response is from a particular incident/experience/etc I find it easier to work through and move on.

 

[kgizo]

Little reminders to let go help me. Put a private note in your outlook calendar first thing in the morning for the next couple of weeks that you are not invested in the past, or whatever quote works for you. Buy yourself a little treat for working through the incident successfully. It should be something you will use often (ie, splurge lipstick or purse) and whenever you use it remind yourself to let the negativity go. Know that it is normal to feel this way and you will work through it in time. If you find that certain situations, like meetings, trigger the feelings read a joke or look at your fav photo right before walking into the meeting so that you are at your happiest heading into the tense situation. Best of luck to you!

 

[msop04]

An old Indian grandfather said to his grandson, who came to him with anger at a friend who had done him an injustice....

"Let me tell you a story. I, too, at times have felt a great hate for those who have taken much with no sorrow for what they do. Hate wears you down and does not hurt your enemy. I have struggled with these feelings many times.

"It is as if there are two wolves inside me. One is good and does no harm. He lives in harmony with all around him and does not take offense when none was intended. He will only fight when it is right to do so, and in the right way. He saves all his energy for the right fight.

"But the other wolf, ahhh!

"He is full of anger. He cannot think because his anger and hate are so great. It is helpless anger, for it will change nothing.

"Sometimes it is hard to live with these two wolves inside me, for both of them try to dominate my spirit."

The boy looked intently into his grandfather's eyes and asked, "Which one wins, Grandfather?"

The old man smiled and quietly said...

"The one I feed."

********************************************************************************************************************************
One thing I do involves serious thinking about the saying, "Look at the past, but don't stare at it." Learn the lessons the incident can teach you, but don't rehash it over & over. I ask myself, "Can I change the past?" No, it's done. Over. "Am I permanently injured by it?" No. "Am I going on to better things in life?" Definitely! Do those people matter to your inner, real, self? Not at all.

I absolutely love this story, as it is very true -- so thanks for posting it! I have a lot of trouble with holding onto resentment and anger as well, so I appreciate everyone's suggestions of ways to rid oneself of such negativity.

 

[msop04]

I also wanted to comment that this is a very good thread that can help a lot of people -- very constructive!

 

[smitcompton]

Hi,

I do best if I can remove myself from the situation for a while. Every day you are reminded of the situation that caused your anger/resentment. If you are able to take a week off you may feel better on your return if you had a great time off.
I usually allow myself to wallow a bit , a week or so) and then each time your thoughts turn to the incident again, you must forcibly think of something else. Watch an engrossing movie, visit with your most uppy friend, and do things that you really enjoy.

Each week you should feel less anger, although it may return from time to time. Divert yourself by doing other things. If possible stay away from those people as much as you can until your anger has lessened. Lick your wounds and come back stronger.

Other good advise has been given above.

Annette

 

[Begonia]

Be understanding and empathetic with yourself. Shame can beget more anger. It's part of the anger cycle.

I asked a believer of the Tao some of the very same questions. What do I do when I am in a filthy mud puddle and lost? She told me to stand up.

The next time I asked her what to do with a negative situation she said: don't believe everything you think.

Still struggling to stand up and not believe everything I think

 

[Sky56]

hi, you are not alone. It is a problem I struggle with daily. Quotes such as "Living well is the best revenge," and knowing that it only poisons your life and does nothing to your 'enemies.' When I remember these things, and remember the Serenity Prayer (well known in 12-Step sobriety programs) I feel a sense of relief and peace.

But it is on-going...I forget and fall into old habits of thinking and get filled with resentment...then I do those things mentioned above and I get relief. I've accepted the fact that is an ongoing process that probably will never end. I am at peace with that.

I had some severe traumatic experiences a few decades ago - things such as getting close to being killed a few times, escaping injury through the grace of God....rape...verbal abuse throughout my childhood (not from family)...and current and past problems with a difficult family member.

Best wishes to you. ps Talking about it with a close friend, counseling, and writing about it as you have done here helps a lot. I classify myself as a person who struggles from PTSD who lives a normal life and for the most part is a very happy and content person who suffers quite a bit from bad memories. The demon in my head are those memories and negative thoughts about them...one technique is substituting positive thoughts and thoughts of gratefulness for the good things in life...easier said than done, but effective.

 

[luv2sparkle]

IndyLady, I have experienced this too. It is funny, some things I find easy to let go of, others I struggle with. Just yesterday something I heard on tv sparked a remembrance of an old betrayal. I wasn't even paying attention to the tv as I was cleaning my cooktop. But as I heard it I felt like I was having a panic attack. I could feel my heart racing and was having a hard time catching my breath. I felt it for a minute and reminded myself that I couldn't do anything to change the past and forced myself to think about something else. I turned off the tv and started thinking about all the good things I have in my life. Took a few minutes but it did the trick.

It is not that you can ever really forget, but you can not let yourself dwell on it. That would be my best tip. When it comes to mind, don't let yourself dwell on it. Replace the thoughts with something else.

 

[Indylady]

Wow!! So many responses--thank you all from the bottom of my heart! I appreciate the PS community so much, and definitely call upon it in some of my toughest moments. I've read a couple responses, but I just wanted to take a break to say thank you. It feels incredibly affirming to hear that others have gone through this too, to hear that you all care about me, and that you might be willing to take the time to write to me. This emotie is the closet thing I could find that describes my feeling

 

[Rockdiamond]

What a great threat. A lot of great responses. I love the story about the wolves.
My mom had a saying – which I teach to my kids all the time.
"If you're angry, you only have one person to blame"

 

[VRBeauty]

Indy - Many years ago I held a resentment so deep that it consumed a lot of my energy. The object of my resentment was a co-worker and former close friend - I knew I'd need to keep working not just with her but for her, as she was a rising star in our organization. The work I did to get rid of the resentment included looking at my part in the situation as others have suggested. I also worked hard to acknowledge her positive attributes - one little game I played with myself was to go through the alphabet and identify a positive attribute for each letter. As someone who prays, I also prayed for her, especially for her to get the professional recognition that she deserved. I don't recall how long I followed this routine (but it was quite a while) and I won't bore you with the details, but I did have a chance to prove to myself that I had indeed gotten rid of the resentment.

Good for you for recognizing the bind you're in and doing something rid yourself of this resentment!

 

[texaskj]

I'd like to thank everyone who's contributed to this thread. It's one of the best I've ever read on this site.
My theory is that it doesn't matter what religion you are or even if you have one; God, Siddhartha, Allah, Krishna, Zeus, Mother Earth, Father Time, whatever; the universe will take care of things eventually.

Oh, and as I've said before: there are some times you just have to break your give-a-shitter.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I used to hold onto resentments easily and for a long time. All it did was harm me. I am sure most people didn't know or didn't care. I started to pray for them. Not in a condescending way. But pray for all the things for them that I pray for myself (health, happiness, etc). Sometimes I had to fake it. Say it knowing I didn't mean it. With time I started to mean it and my resentment started to dissolve. It is a very freeing feeling not to carry around the heaviness of anger. I can honestly say I don't think I resent anyone at this moment of time. Not to say that won't change. Haha. But prayer works for me. I also remind myself I can't change people, places, or things. That and it is none of my business what other people think of me. All I can do is change my reaction to unacceptable behavior.

 

[Rosebloom]

I didn't read the other responses as I'm short on time this evening, but I wanted to share two of my favorite books that might be of comfort to you:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B008TC55HY/ref=oh_details_o02_s00_i00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/159285849X/ref=oh_details_o01_s00_i00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

 

[pregcurious]

Time and distance help me. It's difficult when you cannot get time and distance away from a person that you have resentment towards. It's also infuriating when that person does not recognize (or more likely refuses to recognize) what they did to deserve your anger.

At the end of the day, I realize that while the person deserves my anger, I want to rise above it because the anger somehow keeps me down at their level, constantly under their power.

 

[blondie~]

I agree. This is a good thread. Many of your responses have helped me come to terms with an issue I've been having. Thank you.

 

[Indylady]

Missy, thank you so much. You are truly kind, and I love reading your posts. You are totally right about both 1) letting it go and 2) finding things that give me peace. Perhaps this is a blessing in disguise; this experience did force me to take a moment to reflect on the people I was working with and whether or not I was actually happy with my work. Lots of hugs back to you.

Alex, thank you. Learning is truly something to be grateful for.

Jewelfreak, you are absolutely right. Resentment and anger are heavy burdens to carry around. Thank you. You have given me such insightful questions to ask myself, and I will absolutely do my best to cast the others, and this experience, downstream. You are right; there is no permanent injury. I'll let karma take care of this one. Thank you so much for your post.

Ilander, thank you. Letting go is likely the only way that I can regain my balance without falling down from this experience. You are absolutely right. I really enjoyed reading your post, and will certainly keep it in mind when things get tough.

Rubyshoes, thank you. I have actually tried that exercise--to write down my thoughts, and then to tear up the paper and symbolically "let it go." It worked for me; I just haven't remembered it in years. Thank you--your reminder is truly helpful.

To all--I apologize that I have taken some time in writing my responses. It has been difficult road for me as I read, process and reflect as I read and write my responses. I have been reading them every day. I am truly, positively, deeply grateful for your comments, advice, hugs and love. It means so much to me.

 

[Gypsy]

Great thread. I struggle with this as well. I don't have ANY answers. But maybe some of the advice here can help me find some.

 

[iLander]

Indy, I don't know what happened, but I'm sorry that you went through it. I think it was something in the moon phase, I had a big work issue too. Politics and BS are everywhere these days. All I know is that us two fabulous chicks didn't deserve any of that nonsense!

 

[TooPatient]

I've been reading Touching Spirit Bear so that we can all talk about it when "A" has to read it for school this year. Some pretty upsetting realizations and feelings have come up over the last week. This book has been great! It may be that it is just some easy-read middle school book, but it has some great moments. I can't help but think through my own emotions right now and this book has been reminding me of the dangers of holding onto anger.

 

[dragonfly411]

This thread is really helpful for me today. I've had a family group of women that have repeatedly been bringing up some negativity from the past. This stuff all happened 3 years ago, and I still am having people I hardly know coming to me and saying that they have said this or that, and asking for truth. Last night, it all came to a bit of a head with the aunt of the group. We live in a small town and every one knows every one. I laid some of the truth out for her, but not all of it, since she decided to air it publicly on FB. You know. Three years later. . Anyway. I'm having to find ways to let go of the anger and the resentment. I am not bitter, nor still angry over the events that happened then. I am angry when they continue to talk to everyone about it. THREE. YEARS. LATER.

I decided this morning that a) I cannot let them continue to poison me. and B) I should pray for them. They apparently have some horrible unhappiness within them to want to cause someone else misery so badly.

That being said, I am having a hard time dealing with this continuous resurfacing. Any ideas on how to let go, when they keep bringing it all back up? Again, not angry over past events, angry over present drama from it. I can pray all I want, but when a stranger appraoches a friend to ask about the situation......

P.S. I have asked them to stop. Repeatedly.

 

[Indylady]

Crown1, JewelFreak, MZ, KG, MSOP04, Smit, Begonia, Sky, Luv2Sparkle, RockDiamond, VR, Texas, Tacori, Rosebloom, Preg, Blondie, ILander, TooPatient, and DragonFly, thank you all.

Crown1, I appreciate your support so much, and it helps to know that I'm not the only one going through this.

JewelFreak, your story was incredible. Thank you. Truly wise words.

MZ, I will think and reflect back. It is always a good idea. Thank you.

KG, quotes and reminders are such a good idea. Its so easy to get lost in the moment, and to forget to step back (I find that some quotes help me do that--step back, that is!) Thank you!

MSOP04, it helps to hear that someone else identifies with what I'm going through, though I do hope these feelings can work their way out of your system quickly.