How old before kids "fend for themselves?"

[Skippy123]

It's sort of shocking to me that kids in middle school and high school can't fend for themselves. I would think by the time is 10 or so they'd have the knowledge and skills to put together a fairly balanced meal and cook some basic dishes.

I agree! I knew how to make a fried egg in 5th grade, wash dishes and put them away. pour my own bowel of cereal. I was a latch key kid in 3rd grade. I made my own lunch in Middle school and same with my sister.


My boys help me bake, seriously, they stir ingredients together. They will be 3 years old in April. I also unload the dishwasher in the morning and they help me, they put the spoons, and forks away. It isn't pretty but I want them to be able to do this. They sweep too, not very well, but at least it is teaching them. If they spill, I hand them a wash cloth so they clean up.

I will say, I didn't know how to make a baked chicken breast, when I got married; I knew how to make lasagna, bake, fry stuff but now I wish I knew how to cook more so I really want to empower my kids, especially if they show interest.

They also carry in groceries, why not?! even if they drop things, they learn. they are willing, it will help us all in the future! I love how they want to try and do most things!

eta: that is great Cozystitches!!!

 

[TooPatient]

You're gonna shot me for this but....I actually showed up at my son's middle school with hot food!! Not all the time but I brought him burgers, pizza, soup and leftovers from dinner. We live walking distance from his school and I worked at home so it was an easy thing to do.

The purpose of this was to try to get him to gain weight as he was extremely under weight and lactose intolerant. If I didn't "force feed" him he would not eat and he wouldn't be hungry either and could care less if he ate all day. Oh, I also made him full breakfasts with pancakes, french toast, eggs, bacon, hot cereal, etc. Whatever it took to get him to eat. Today he is an excellent cook who calls me for recipes and cooking advice while preparing meals for himself and his roommates.

You do what you have to do for their health!

Like I mentioned earlier, "A" is (finally) up to 113 pounds. This is after a full year of my cooking every last meal for her and carefully watching what she eats. It is really hard when they don't feel hungry and just don't think about eating!

I got a thermos from REI and will send leftover dinner or hot soups in that. Stick it in her lunch box with a bottle of water, chunk of whole grain bread, piece of fruit, and a plastic bowl & spoon. She's good at bringing home anything she hasn't eaten so I know (reasonably) accurately what she's eaten in the day.

I'd rather she take on more of the responsibility for caring for herself but if she doesn't feel hungry and is at a very unhealthy weight (she was when she moved in with us) you deal with that and teach other responsibilities first.

I don't like that I'm teaching a 14 year old girl to count her calories and fat intake and the likes, but it is needed so that she can make sure she is eating ENOUGH of this stuff.

 

[Skippy123]

Oh and I just recalled this, I talked to a Montessori teacher and they encourage Helping with cooking and other chores. My boys were showing interest or I think I would of waited in letting my boys help me, but they do show interest and enjoy it!
http://www.pinterest.com/amandavm26/montessori-in-the-kitchen/

in case anyone wants to read about the Montessori Method. I am a stay at home mom so of course I supervise my kiddos.
http://www.montessorimom.com/what-montessori-method/

 

[amc80]

I agree! I knew how to make a fried egg in 5th grade, wash dishes and put them away. pour my own bowel of cereal. I was a latch key kid in 3rd grade. I made my own lunch in Middle school and same with my sister. My boys help me bake, seriously, they stir ingredients together. They will be 3 years old in April. I also unload the dishwasher in the morning and they help me, they put the spoons, and forks away. It isn't pretty but I want them to be able to do this. They sweep too, not very well, but at least it is teaching them. If they spill, I hand them a wash cloth so they clean up. I will say, I didn't know how to make a baked chicken breast, when I got married; I knew how to make lasagna, bake, fry stuff but now I wish I knew how to cook more so I really want to empower my kids, especially if they show interest. They also carry in groceries, why not?! even if they drop things, they learn. they are willing, it will help us all in the future! I love how they want to try and do most things! eta: that is great Cozystitches!!!

Barrett is 17 months and I already have him helping me unload the dishwasher. I give him a piece of Tupperware and point to a cabinet, and he walks over and puts it in there. It's a slow process but at least he's helping!

 

[Skippy123]

I agree! I knew how to make a fried egg in 5th grade, wash dishes and put them away. pour my own bowel of cereal. I was a latch key kid in 3rd grade. I made my own lunch in Middle school and same with my sister. My boys help me bake, seriously, they stir ingredients together. They will be 3 years old in April. I also unload the dishwasher in the morning and they help me, they put the spoons, and forks away. It isn't pretty but I want them to be able to do this. They sweep too, not very well, but at least it is teaching them. If they spill, I hand them a wash cloth so they clean up. I will say, I didn't know how to make a baked chicken breast, when I got married; I knew how to make lasagna, bake, fry stuff but now I wish I knew how to cook more so I really want to empower my kids, especially if they show interest. They also carry in groceries, why not?! even if they drop things, they learn. they are willing, it will help us all in the future! I love how they want to try and do most things! eta: that is great Cozystitches!!!

Barrett is 17 months and I already have him helping me unload the dishwasher. I give him a piece of Tupperware and point to a cabinet, and he walks over and puts it in there. It's a slow process but at least he's helping!

aww that is great! my sons are so proud and I praise them lots and they love it! I bet Barrett thinks it is a blast being like mommy!


eta: also, this is something where all parenting is going to be different so of course do what works best for you and your kiddos. Some start early and some start later, they all eventually get to the same end result.

 

[ringbling17]

My 13 yo is in 8th grade and she has been doing her own breakfast since 6th grade. We don't pack lunches though. She walks
to the bus stop on her own and back (It's only a block away, 5 houses down, but it is very far compared to NY). She also does her own laundry and is expected to clean up her room and bathroom and do chores around our house. She does the dishwasher as well and empties it out when it is done, takes out the trash and cleans the dog area.
I haven't trusted her to actually cook anything yet, but she prepares stuff with me and adds ingredients to stuff. She uses the toaster oven and microwave.

My 8 yo also makes her own breakfast, does her own laundry ( with help of course), and loves to help out in the kitchen. She vacuums, cleans her bathroom and does light chores around the house.

There is quite a difference though between my 13 and 8 yo. My 8 yo loves to help out and do stuff on her own, but my 13 yo hates it.
I don't ever have to tell my 8 yo anything. She knows that for the morning she has to prepare her clothes, plus she get her 5 yo sisters clothes out without me asking, she gets up on her own and gets herself ready, makes her breakfast and gets all her gear on. When its time to go, she comes up to my room and tells me its time for her to go to the bus stop (2 houses away).

My 13 yo has to be dragged put of bed (although there's a huge time difference. She gets up at 5:30 and my 8 yo gets up at 7) and told three or four times - "get up, get ready, go downstairs!". She has missed the bus bc she didn't get up when her alarm clock went off claiming she didn't hear it buzz for one hour after it went off.

She won't brush her teeth without me asking her if she did it, while my 8 yo knows she needs to do it right away.

A lot of times when I return home from working nights on Sat. morning, everyone is still asleep. When I wake up later on during the day and ask if everyone brushed their teeth in the morning, the only one who did was my 8 yo!

But, as far as schoolwork, my 13 yo is super smart while my 8 yo is average.

 

[dk168]

When they can demonstrate knowledge of food groups, a balanced meal, and food hygiene for prep, cleanup, and storage. Also helpful to know emergency procedures for choking when alone.

I would add knowledge of how to deal with fire, burns, scalding and cuts.

My mum was banned from the kitchen by the cook after she poured water into a hot wok that caught fire!

DK

 

[JaneSmith]

When they can demonstrate knowledge of food groups, a balanced meal, and food hygiene for prep, cleanup, and storage. Also helpful to know emergency procedures for choking when alone.

I would add knowledge of how to deal with fire, burns, scalding and cuts.

Yes, I agree, if they are cooking. Actually, if any kid is left home alone they should also know first aid and emergency procedures.
I think if a young child can put together a cold lunch by themselves in the morning with no supervision but with a responsible adult in the house, they only need the food knowledge.

MC, I don't know how I'd deal with an underfed kid. Feed them, obviously, as you did; but it would be a difficult thing indeed to bring up to their parents. It would depend on how well I knew them and their situation. A casual mention along the lines of "gosh so-and-so can really put it away! Ha ha ha!' maybe?

 

[JaneSmith]

An old article from The Newyorker had this tidbit in with a lot of stereotyping dross.

"In 2004, Carolina Izquierdo, an anthropologist at the University of California, Los Angeles, spent several months with the Matsigenka, a tribe of about twelve thousand people who live in the Peruvian Amazon. The Matsigenka hunt for monkeys and parrots, grow yucca and bananas, and build houses that they roof with the leaves of a particular kind of palm tree, known as a kapashi. At one point, Izquierdo decided to accompany a local family on a leaf-gathering expedition down the Urubamba River.
A member of another family, Yanira, asked if she could come along. Izquierdo and the others spent five days on the river. Although Yanira had no clear role in the group, she quickly found ways to make herself useful. Twice a day, she swept the sand off the sleeping mats, and she helped stack the kapashi leaves for transport back to the village. In the evening, she fished for crustaceans, which she cleaned, boiled, and served to the others. Calm and self-possessed, Yanira “asked for nothing,” Izquierdo later recalled. The girl’s behavior made a strong impression on the anthropologist because at the time of the trip Yanira was just six years old."

http://www.newyorker.com/arts/critics/books/2012/07/02/120702crbo_books_kolbert?currentPage=all

 

[Cozystitches]

Here's a list of chores....some I'm surprised by. Just food for thought

http://www.flandersfamily.info/web/age-appropriate-chores-for-children/

 

[MichelleCarmen]

When they can demonstrate knowledge of food groups, a balanced meal, and food hygiene for prep, cleanup, and storage. Also helpful to know emergency procedures for choking when alone.

I would add knowledge of how to deal with fire, burns, scalding and cuts.

Yes, I agree, if they are cooking. Actually, if any kid is left home alone they should also know first aid and emergency procedures.
I think if a young child can put together a cold lunch by themselves in the morning with no supervision but with a responsible adult in the house, they only need the food knowledge.

MC, I don't know how I'd deal with an underfed kid. Feed them, obviously, as you did; but it would be a difficult thing indeed to bring up to their parents. It would depend on how well I knew them and their situation. A casual mention along the lines of "gosh so-and-so can really put it away! Ha ha ha!' maybe?

Yeah, I can't say anything to his parents. I do know their situation and it's not financial strain, but more about priorities and choosing to do one thing over another, such as having the time to make your kids' lunches or spend that time doing something else, and the choice is something else. I saw the same with the other child not being fed. The choice was to play on the internet rather than feed the child and when she asked for food the parent waved her out of the room (hence making *me* responsible for the kids because I was in the next room watching their interaction). This is such a big annoyance for me. I know it shouldn't be and I should nicely feed kids who's parents are too lazy, but you know, it bugs the sh*t out of me when the same people never take responsibility and I see a child wearing the same jeans for a week because the parent decides the kid should be doing he/her own laundry and as a result never launders their clothes.

 

[TooPatient]

When they can demonstrate knowledge of food groups, a balanced meal, and food hygiene for prep, cleanup, and storage. Also helpful to know emergency procedures for choking when alone.

I would add knowledge of how to deal with fire, burns, scalding and cuts.

Yes, I agree, if they are cooking. Actually, if any kid is left home alone they should also know first aid and emergency procedures.
I think if a young child can put together a cold lunch by themselves in the morning with no supervision but with a responsible adult in the house, they only need the food knowledge.

MC, I don't know how I'd deal with an underfed kid. Feed them, obviously, as you did; but it would be a difficult thing indeed to bring up to their parents. It would depend on how well I knew them and their situation. A casual mention along the lines of "gosh so-and-so can really put it away! Ha ha ha!' maybe?

Yeah, I can't say anything to his parents. I do know their situation and it's not financial strain, but more about priorities and choosing to do one thing over another, such as having the time to make your kids' lunches or spend that time doing something else, and the choice is something else. I saw the same with the other child not being fed. The choice was to play on the internet rather than feed the child and when she asked for food the parent waved her out of the room (hence making *me* responsible for the kids because I was in the next room watching their interaction). This is such a big annoyance for me. I know it shouldn't be and I should nicely feed kids who's parents are too lazy, but you know, it bugs the sh*t out of me when the same people never take responsibility and I see a child wearing the same jeans for a week because the parent decides the kid should be doing he/her own laundry and as a result never launders their clothes.

Lack of food or clean clothing due to internet games and other fun stuff is just I hate to see kids in that sort of situation

IF the parents are trying to gradually increase responsibilities in life that is all good. They do need reminders for awhile but sometimes you have to let them make a bad choice and live with the consequences while they are still minor consequences. A day or even a week with no clean pants may be worth it if the lesson is learned and they get a lifetime of clean clothes.

Even with me doing all of the laundry for "A" I have found her digging through the hamper for dirty clothes to wear for the day because she "has" to wear this specific shirt or jeans.

 

[ruby59]

Here's a list of chores....some I'm surprised by. Just food for thought

http://www.flandersfamily.info/web/age-appropriate-chores-for-children/

Sorry, my opinion only, but they remind me of the Duggarts (?) parents who had way too many children then they were capable of taking care of, so they used them like free help.

I believe that children should be taught on how to do things, only for the fact that they do not get to college and not have a clue how to live independently. My daughter actually had to teach one of her dorm mates on how to laundry and change the sheets of her bed.

Childhood is for such a limited period of time. Let kids be kids. Yes, know the basics, so you can come home and fix a snack. Keep your room clean. Contribute as part of the family. But that list made me cringe.

 

[jaysonsmom]

I have a 9 year old and an 11 year old. I make all the meals including packing their lunches. HOWEVER, I know they can totally fend for themselves too. When I leave them at home with Dh, who is completely incompetent in the kitchen, my kids can:

1) get Breakfast themselves (toast, toaster waffles, cereal etc)
2) they can make lunches themselves: sandwiches, heat up canned soup, use small toaster oven for snacks such as pizza rolls etc
3) Even make tea and hot chocolate etc for everyone. electric kettle.

As for fending for themselves in other ways, they have been setting the table for dinner, helping me with putting away groceries, loading dishwasher, doing laundry taking out trash etc for about 2 years now.. my younger one is a girl, so she started doing a lot of these things younger than her brother, because she likes to mimic mommy and daddy doing household chores.

I feel that both my kids are very responsible, and pretty mature for their age, so in the past year, if I need to drop one off for a sports practice, or piano etc, the other can be left for about 15 minutes by themselves without me worrying too much.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

When they can demonstrate knowledge of food groups, a balanced meal, and food hygiene for prep, cleanup, and storage. Also helpful to know emergency procedures for choking when alone.

I would add knowledge of how to deal with fire, burns, scalding and cuts.

Yes, I agree, if they are cooking. Actually, if any kid is left home alone they should also know first aid and emergency procedures.
I think if a young child can put together a cold lunch by themselves in the morning with no supervision but with a responsible adult in the house, they only need the food knowledge.

MC, I don't know how I'd deal with an underfed kid. Feed them, obviously, as you did; but it would be a difficult thing indeed to bring up to their parents. It would depend on how well I knew them and their situation. A casual mention along the lines of "gosh so-and-so can really put it away! Ha ha ha!' maybe?

Yeah, I can't say anything to his parents. I do know their situation and it's not financial strain, but more about priorities and choosing to do one thing over another, such as having the time to make your kids' lunches or spend that time doing something else, and the choice is something else. I saw the same with the other child not being fed. The choice was to play on the internet rather than feed the child and when she asked for food the parent waved her out of the room (hence making *me* responsible for the kids because I was in the next room watching their interaction). This is such a big annoyance for me. I know it shouldn't be and I should nicely feed kids who's parents are too lazy, but you know, it bugs the sh*t out of me when the same people never take responsibility and I see a child wearing the same jeans for a week because the parent decides the kid should be doing he/her own laundry and as a result never launders their clothes.

Lack of food or clean clothing due to internet games and other fun stuff is just I hate to see kids in that sort of situation

IF the parents are trying to gradually increase responsibilities in life that is all good. They do need reminders for awhile but sometimes you have to let them make a bad choice and live with the consequences while they are still minor consequences. A day or even a week with no clean pants may be worth it if the lesson is learned and they get a lifetime of clean clothes.

Even with me doing all of the laundry for "A" I have found her digging through the hamper for dirty clothes to wear for the day because she "has" to wear this specific shirt or jeans.

My younger son also digs through the dirty clothes to wear a shirt or shorts that aren't freshly laundered because he is obsessed with clothes. He has a lot of shirts he had to have at the beginning of the year and now never wears them so I let it slide, but be sure he is at least rotating through outfits. I'd never let him go an entire week in the same unwashed pants, though, which is really gross, IMO...at that point, a parent NEEDS to step in.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Here's a list of chores....some I'm surprised by. Just food for thought

http://www.flandersfamily.info/web/age-appropriate-chores-for-children/

Sorry, my opinion only, but they remind me of the Duggarts (?) parents who had way too many children then they were capable of taking care of, so they used them like free help.

I believe that children should be taught on how to do things, only for the fact that they do not get to college and not have a clue how to live independently. My daughter actually had to teach one of her dorm mates on how to laundry and change the sheets of her bed.

Childhood is for such a limited period of time. Let kids be kids. Yes, know the basics, so you can come home and fix a snack. Keep your room clean. Contribute as part of the family. But that list made me cringe.

There are a few odd ones on the chore list, but it'd be GREAT if my 13 year old painted all the walls while cooking dinner and watching his younger brother. I can't even juggle that.

Really, though, my kids can do some of that stuff and they have a weekly chore chart (and both kids get allowance), but I don't like making kids into mini-adults so we try and strike a balance. They both obviously should know how to shower & do hygiene stuff, but I don't expect them to trim the hedges outside. Being a capable adult really means knowing how to be properly groomed, clean the house, & make food for oneself and learning all this comes with growing older. They shouldn't have to do all the adult chores when they're little or be responsible for siblings around-the-clock.