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How do you cope with bereavement?

JanesJewels

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 29, 2012
Messages
248
I woke up at 4am missing you, and now it's almost 6. As you used to say, I can't lie there any longer.

Last time I wrote to you in the night, the floor lamp next to me started wobbling, so maybe you're here now, too.

December 31st approaches, the last day I saw you. You lived for another three months but I never laid eyes on you again. On Christmas Day you were in a lot of pain. It was the only Christmas of my life that you took no photos, didn't cook a whole turkey, and didn't send out your Christmas letter. And still, I didn't see it. I thought you had years. You'd been in pain in February 2013 and then made a great recovery. In October 2013 you went on a long weekend to the city, something you hadn't done in years, and despite all the bone cancer you were actually gardening, bending and stretching that was usually out of the question. It seemed the medicine had turned back time by at least five years.

But in the department store that holiday, you said you were going to look at the nightgowns on sale "for when I get sick." Well, that stopped me in my tracks. And still I didn't realize. "You've got years, Mom", I said.

And when we were all out in the car, you went to mail some letters. Dad and I watched you walk back to the car. "She's not getting any better, and time is marching on," he said. And still I didn't realize. He was right. Spookily portentous in the way that only Dad can be, but right.

Then your test results at the end of January were just dandy and you booked a cruise to Africa. You got worse in March but told me you had months. We planned to go to Margaret's house and get pizza. We said goodbye, I hung up the phone and you disappeared.

So, what would you think of us all now? N. continues her life's good works. Dad continues to go to his activities, and the house is pin-neat. I have done nothing this year except look after Dad, and my house looks like a bomb's hit it. I would like to get back to my hobbies, the gym, my friends and work, but I just can't seem to get there. I turned some work down today. Since you died, so unexpectedly, the world feels like walking through an empty house whose happy family have packed up and left.

I bought you a Christmas present. It's a Swarovski crystal rabbit holding out a bunch of flowers, your favorite blue ones. Remember how we used to love my beautiful childhood rabbit and play with him before bed? I am going to place the rabbit next to a photo of you, so he is holding out the flowers. The rabbit is me, Mom. Swarovski used to do some of those flowers in a crystal bunch and I was going to put them in your grave but they were discontinued. Since the interment was a fiasco, I couldn't have put them in the grave anyway, as it turns out. So the rabbit will offer the flowers to your photo instead. It's the best I can do. It probably sounds stupid, but the idea of flowers being permanently held out to a picture of you gives me comfort. It's like a sign of respect, especially since you and me had a thing for that childhood rabbit of mine. I only recently discovered how I got that rabbit. I knew the boys next door had given him to me, but I didn't know that it was because Dad had taken the oldest boy to the hospital when he cut himself badly, as the family had no car. The rabbit was a thank you, Dad says.

Tonight I'm thinking of the poem that we discovered in your favorite book, "The Shell Seekers." Well, I guess it's morning now. But let's read the poem again, for fun.

"September", by Louis Macniece.

September has come,
It is hers whose vitality leaps in the autumn,
Whose nature prefers trees without leaves,
And a fire in the fireplace.
So I gave her this month and the next,
Though the whole of my year should be hers,
Who has rendered so many of its days intolerable or perplexed,
But so many more so happy.
Who has left a scent on my life,
Who has left my walls dancing over and over with her shadows,
Whose hair is twined in all my waterfalls.
And all of London, littered with remembered kisses.

It's light outside. Where has the night gone? In remembrance of you. D xxxxxx
 

Okie_girl

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jun 4, 2011
Messages
316
Oh Jane, I can hear the pain and sadness in your words. I wish I could say something to make you feel better, but sometimes words are just not adequate. I'm so glad you are going to see a counselor, I hope you find that helpful.

Do you journal? I have found that to be very helpful for me.

For me, the holidays bring things back to the surface. This will be my first holiday season without my father. I am going to try really hard to be thankful for what I have and what I had, but I know I will be missing my daddy.

Thinking of you and sending warm thoughts your way.
 

JanesJewels

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 29, 2012
Messages
248
Okiegirl, thank you. I know you have suffered a lot since 2010. I so wish I had wise words of comfort for you, like you had for me. I am so very sorry about your daddy, and your other losses of course. People say it gets better, but that "better" takes time, much, much more time than other people think, especially others who have not experienced major bereavement. A quote in one of my grief books says, "The bereaved cannot communicate with the unbereaved."

I will be thinking of you on Thanksgiving and on Christmas Day, Okiegirl. I will check in and write to you on this thread to see how you're doing. And in the meantime, I'll be holding you in my thoughts.

All my love,


Jane

P.S. You asked if I journal. Guess this thread is my journal. Somehow it helps to send it into the ether.
 

JanesJewels

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 29, 2012
Messages
248
Early morning again, been awake since about 4.30. The Dates are bothering me tonight. The personal calendar of the cancer journey. Maybe if I write you down here, Dates, you'll stop bothering me.

September 11, 1999 - mastectomy.
December 20, 2012 - It's back for good, spine and pelvis. Explains those back pains the doctors ignored for four years.
February 21, 2014 - Phone call. Getting worse.
March 6, 2014 - test results, spread to liver. Ten years to the day I met my husband. Is the universe having a laugh, or what?
March 11, 2014 - start of chemo. You were terrified.
April 1, 2014 - Second chemo. Glad of it. The only thing worse than having chemo is not having chemo. Oh - chemo canceled. Too sick. And it's April 1st. Confirmed - the universe is having a laugh.
Fri April 4, 2014 - 3pm. Phone call. Confusing message. I've got weeks or months to live but you need to get here pronto.
Sat April 5 , 2014 - 5am. Phone call. It's too late. "Mom is in hospital with two hours to live."
Sat April 5, 2014 - 7am. Phone call. It's all over.

Dates, dates, go away, come again another day. Why can't I just forget you all and be happy?
 

Sunstorm

Brilliant_Rock
Trade
Joined
Feb 5, 2014
Messages
1,789
Hi OP, I am only beginning to read your thread as I just found out. I will certainly have more to add, I can hear you and feel your deep pain. I am very sorry about this but nothing anyone says makes it go away. I have had different losses, my favorite kitty was really hard, sorry to those that are not animal lovers and my grandma I was really close to passed away a year and a half ago. Although she has been extremely kind to all during her life and before her disease that lasted around 7 years she helped everyone and was friends with all her neighbors, none of them came to her funeral. One long time friend came from very far and she was quite old herself. I too lost her by just missing out on seeing her. I was there and I only went to visit her once or twice a month as she was not close. I was at the hospital but sent by my dad to see an allergologist. I got there minutes after she went into cardiac arrest and had been taken to ICU. People were strange and I could not find her favorite nurse, the head nurse at my dad's department and when I was told where to find her, she was crying, then I knew something was very wrong and left to ICU, she was in a coma and her functions never came back and she finally passed away a week later. I know this is my story but it may resonate with yours as I have been told that most the time the ones you are so close to do not wait for you because they do not want to cause you pain. My friend's mom passed away from pancreatic cancer at 60 and although my friend was with her almost nonstop at the hospital she left to take a nap when her mom passed away. This is really hard that you almost made it there but not quite, yet I am sure that it is true that they try not to hurt you as much as possible. It is extremely hard to get used to them not being there and you not being able to talk to them anymore. I had 7 years to gradually get used to it with my grandma as because of her disease she could talk less and less on the phone. I used to talk to her several times a day. It is extremely hard in the beginning as you have to break a habit and the gap is never filled, you do keep thinking they went on vacation but will come back. My mom told me she wanted to dig out her own mom who passed away unexpectedly for years afterwards and would have done anything for her to come back. Death is not reversible, everything else, well, there is always that chance. In this case the loss is extremely tough as time cannot be turned around. Yes, journals help, writing helps, a lot but it feels like it only helps with about 1 % of the pain, then eventually you realize you are slowly getting better. I myself lost a baby too and that was the hardest, then I almost felt that I would not make it for the six months as it is nonstop excruciating pain. I understand how you must feel, perhaps people tell their stories sometimes not because they are selfish but because they can relate, those that do relate understand the depth of your pain but I promise that it will get better. No, it will never completely go away but at least you can function, with some losses even daily functioning is impossible for a while. Hope you are doing better and better, I am sure you are but you do not notice it as it is a very slow process.
 

Rosey

Rough_Rock
Joined
Nov 23, 2014
Messages
5
Janes Jewels,

I am a long time lurker who felt compelled to finally join due to your post.
My sincerest condolences on your loss-no matter our age or stage in life the death of a parent changes our world.
I too have experiences the death of a parent ( suddenly) and have since chosen to perpetuate his memory by helping
Others cope with this inevitable part of living.
I am a social worker employed in palliative care for over 10 years and without knowing
Further specifics would tell you that there is nothing you could have done differently -if you knew differently you would have done differently. The timing of her death was such that she may have wished to spare you the act of seeing her in that capacity, wanting you to recall her in better times-I can't tell you how many times I have experienced just that with my clients and helped them cope with their guilt of not getting there on time. I too felt the same with my own experience and have since realized I had no way of knowing it would be the last time-nor did you.
There are various stages to the grieving process and there will be times you will feel a bit better and then the next feel worse - sometimes you will even question ( if you haven't already) how the world can seem so normal when your entire life has changed or how can you ever be happy again? There's no magic answer to these questions but in time, I hope you too will be able to look back and and see that you can, a little differently then before, but you can and will smile again.
I think seeing a counsellor is a great idea and I hope that that person helps you grieve appropriately while addressing your concerns. Sending you warm thoughts and wishes during this emotionally difficult and challenging time.
 

Rosey

Rough_Rock
Joined
Nov 23, 2014
Messages
5
Janes Jewels,

I am a long time lurker who felt compelled to finally join due to your post.
My sincerest condolences on your loss-no matter our age or stage in life the death of a parent changes our world.
I too have experiences the death of a parent ( suddenly) and have since chosen to perpetuate his memory by helping
Others cope with this inevitable part of living.
I am a social worker employed in palliative care for over 10 years and without knowing
Further specifics would tell you that there is nothing you could have done differently -if you knew differently you would have done differently. The timing of her death was such that she may have wished to spare you the act of seeing her in that capacity, wanting you to recall her in better times-I can't tell you how many times I have experienced just that with my clients and helped them cope with their guilt of not getting there on time. I too felt the same with my own experience and have since realized I had no way of knowing it would be the last time-nor did you.
There are various stages to the grieving process and there will be times you will feel a bit better and then the next feel worse - sometimes you will even question ( if you haven't already) how the world can seem so normal when your entire life has changed or how can you ever be happy again? There's no magic answer to these questions but in time, I hope you too will be able to look back and and see that you can, a little differently then before, but you can and will smile again.
I think seeing a counsellor is a great idea and I hope that that person helps you grieve appropriately while addressing your concerns. Sending you warm thoughts and wishes during this emotionally difficult and challenging time.
 

Begonia

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 2, 2011
Messages
3,212
Hi Jane. It's been a while...

You are in such pain. It's hard to hear, but oh so familiar to many of us. The grief stricken can identify with every word you've written and every emotion/thought you're having.

It's a rough patch you're going through. It will get a bit better Jane in time. Just hang on.

Let. That. Guilt. Go. Your Mom doesn't want you to feel that. She just wants you to feel her love for you. She feels your love for her.

Think of a special memory - I find the ones where we howled with laughter especially helpful. Now laugh if you can. If you can't laugh yet, see if the memory can bring a smile. Dwell in that moment and hold that smile as long as you can. That's the place in between where she is and you are. You can meet her there.

About the fear...of our own mortality. Been there. Still there. My mom died and then my FIL died unexpectedly two weeks later. Of cancer too. Died three days after diagnosis. Husband has the fear too. Every twinge or pain has huge significance. My clock started to tick when Mom died, except I can't tell how many years are left on the clock. I didn't know what the hell to do with the fear. I wracked my brain trying to figure out how to deal with it. The only thing that helps, somewhat, is to turn my daily moments into Zen moments. For example, I'll make a big pot of tea and tasty snacks for my boys (husband and two sons) and sit down and just be with them fully and mindfully. I'm not sure if there is an afterlife (although there are days I'm convinced there is) but I know immortality comes from moments like that. Tea with my boys. I'll live on in them, and one day they will sit and drink tea with their boys.

I don't want this to be about me. You'll find what works for you in time, or what helps you through the unbearable moments.

Remember to take good care of yourself. Grief is exhausting I know.

Goodnight sweetie.
 

momhappy

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 3, 2013
Messages
4,660
A question for those of you who lost someone a year or more ago - did you improve over time? I recently spent some time with someone who lost a loved one a year and a half ago. It was very obvious that this person is not doing well at all. 90% of their conversations are about the lost loved one, losing the loved one, etc. and the other 10% of their conversations are about their experiences at grief counseling. This type of behavior has caused this person to lose not only a job, but it has also damaged some of the relationships in their life. It is my opinion that this person is depressed and the therapy, grief counseling, etc. seem to be providing limited relief. In fact, from an outside perspective, the grief counseling seems to be making it worse in the sense that it seems that dealing with the loss/grief has become all-consuming. Has anyone else experienced grief counseling and found it helpful? Thanks and big hugs to those here….
 

NTave

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Aug 15, 2011
Messages
279
I don't think you ever get over a loss..but counseling can help. I have had some big losses in my life, we all have, and I know I used different means to cope. One way was running, and I ran out all my hurt, all my sense of loss, all my sadness, until I messed up my knees to the point of permanent damage. I recommend exercise, but probably not to that extreme. I rely on my friends, and I talk til I get it out. I let myself have a good cry. Im also ok with paying someone to listen to me for 45 minutes spill out my guts. But its important not to let it take over. Sadness can do that. When I was at my saddest, I still made myself do three things every day. I took the pressure off myself that way. I made a focus of one thing for myself, one thing for my kids, one thing for my home. It could have been as simple as doing dishes, making the kids their favorite dinner, and doing my makeup. But it got me out of bed. I give that advice to everyone who is going through something really hard. Sometimes we push ourselves to hard when we have something else that is occupying our heart and our mind, and we need to heal and take the pressure off while still functioning.
 

momhappy

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 3, 2013
Messages
4,660
^Yes, I agree that you never fully get over a loss. However, I just wondered how common it was for a loss to be be affecting someone's daily functioning so much a year and a half later? I realize that it's healthy to talk, but to talk almost 24/7 about the lost loved one (or the grief counseling required to manage the loss of the loved one) seems unhealthy. Other family members obviously suffered the loss too, but they seem to have moved on better (although, still grieving the loss). This person even refuses to cook any more (they somehow relate it to the loss), which means that they eat prepared, microwave meals for lunch & dinner every day. I certainly wouldn't have expected this person to have gone back to what they considered normal, but I guess that I expected/hoped that some healing could have occurred during the year and a half.
 

Okie_girl

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jun 4, 2011
Messages
316
Jane, thank you for your kind words. I hope I didn't sound dismal about the holidays. I will be spending Thanksgiving with my brother and his family. He has 3 young adult children, and an adorable granddaughter, so I will be surrounded by family! My dad will be missed, no doubt, but I am thankful that I have family that I love, and that loves me, too.

momhappy...I am by no means an expert, but the situation you are describing sounds a little like complicated grief. In my case, yes, I improved over time. One of my losses was quite traumatic, so it has taken a while, but am I better? Definitely. Just as a point of reference, I am approaching the 2 year mark. I still am not quite as engaged with the world as I should be, but I definitely have made tremendous progress. But...I wanted to. I think sometimes there is a sense that if one "moves forward" then that means we are forgetting our loved one. Not so...but sometimes it takes a while to figure that out.
 

JanesJewels

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 29, 2012
Messages
248
OVincze - thank you so much for your sweet, message. It all helps. I am so, so very sorry about your losses, particularly your baby. No words really, just a hug. (((((OVIncze))))). Thank you for writing it all out for me. xxxx

Edit: What you wrote about your mom wanting to dig out her mom...that's how I feel. You sharing that makes me feel not so crazy after all. Sometimes I imagine her grave and the ashes at night in the cold and it just seems so harsh. It's a very pretty spot by day, ancient churchyard, lichen gate, consecrated ground in a hamlet so small and peaceful you'd never know it was there. Lovely on a summer's day but on a winter's night, with the cold and the snow and the wind? Sometimes I can hardly believe that her remains are there in such cold and dark. It does indeed make you want to dig them up. It's not legal though - I did actually check. You need a license and ashes are treated the same as a buried body, so it's an exhumation - I mean, it's not happening. Doesn't stop the odd stray thought about it though.
 

JanesJewels

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 29, 2012
Messages
248
Rosey - there are no words to express how touched I am that you signed up to talk to me. I wish I could send you some flowers. I'm sorry I haven't got back to you before now, I've just been very depressed since my family member went home on Nov 10 and I was left truly to my own devices for the first time since the death. I do hope you see this message.

I am very sorry to hear that you experienced a sudden death of your parent. Mine was a 15-month terminal journey, and I honestly don't know which is worse - the strain of the anticipation or the depth of the shock you must have felt.

About helping others, I have wanted to join a volunteer chemo team at the local hospital; it's called being a chemo concierge, and you get blankets and ice for the patients, fetch nurses, and talk to them if they want. I'm anticipating that sometimes the patients might throw up on me, which I'm OK with. The reason I wanted to volunteer for chemo is because my mom was so completely, utterly terrified the only time she had it, and if I can take some of that away for someone, her fear will not have been in vain.

However, I have to admit that at the moment and perhaps for some time to come, I'm in no fit state to carry out that role. We will see.

Thank you again so much for writing to me xxx
 

JanesJewels

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 29, 2012
Messages
248
Hi Begonia, thank you so much for your kind and helpful words. They really are helpful. It was very insightful what you wrote about your clock starting to tick when your mom died. I think mine did at the terminal diagnosis on December 20, 2012. You don't really realize it at the time.

Yes, that heightened awareness of mortality is pretty difficult. I wasn't there at mom's end, but I was told all about it, I know the hospital etc. so I could imagine it. I had these awful thoughts. I was like, So this is how it all ends. In a hospital bed, in a gown, that's where we breathe our last. I mean, rationally I knew that but after Mom I knew it at a much truer level. And it seemed so graceless and clinical - such an anticlimax. Why can't we breathe our last in a piano bar at the Ritz? And then I thought, we start our marriages in a wedding gown and we end them in a hospital gown. Bad thoughts, but death is a big shock to the system. Also, Mom was the only truly good person in our family, and it was a shock to realize that being good doesn't save you either. I mean, I knew that, but now I know it as a fact, not as a concept.

I'm more sad, really, than guilty, about not being there. I was so determined to be there that I can't figure out how that moment got away from me. Thank God I had the presence of mind to give a message to her through my dad during that horrendous phone call in the night of Friday April 4. The message was to tell her how much I loved her, and she said, "That's nice." I have read enough not to be upset that she didn't say it back, because when someone is close to death their communication levels decrease and any speech is monosyllabic, and she was only about 70 mins from death at that point. But really, I am so thankful that she was awake! She was awake and she received my message! My poor sister was belting down the highway, living three hours away with kids to organize, and Dad phoned her too late so Mom was totally unresponsive by the time she got there, and died shortly after, and my sister was just in time to feel her body start to cool. Isn't that awful. Perhaps I was better off not being there. Her oncologist said she looked "pretty shocking" the day before.

Thanks again for replying.
 

JanesJewels

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 29, 2012
Messages
248
NTave - thanks so much for your reply, and for sharing what helped you to cope. I'm sorry about your knees and the running! I don't know where you got the energy - I've found just having a shower challenging sometimes. If you have kids, perhaps that helps you to keep going too. I'm so sorry for your losses xxxx
 

JanesJewels

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 29, 2012
Messages
248
Momhappy, if your relative is still talking about the loss 24/7 after 18 months I'd guess it might be because she doesn't feel heard and validated. If you don't receive adequate social support in the initial weeks and months after a death, like I didn't, I think there's a much greater chance of getting stuck.

As to whether bereavement counselling is useful, I had my first session on Monday this week. It's hard to judge from one session, but if you don't have many people to really, really talk to, like I don't, I think it could be very valuable. She did tell me I was depressed, which made me feel even more depressed - as if I was really in trouble, rather than experiencing the natural result of going through a major bereavement. I don't think being told it was very helpful. Have you heard of the bumble bee story? Apparently, if you calculate the weight/volume of a bumble bee's body and then the power of its wings relative to the body, it shouldn't be able to fly. But no one's ever told the bumble bee that its wings are weak so it flies anyway. It's kind of like that. So my point is, she needs to find the right counsellor. But yes, it sounds as if she could use some professional guidance. Perhaps a trusted family member could gently suggest it.
 

JanesJewels

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 29, 2012
Messages
248
Okiegirl - happy thanksgiving! I am so glad you're with your family. :wavey:
 

JanesJewels

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 29, 2012
Messages
248
A poem for those coping with recent and not-so-recent losses:


"Remember Me" by Christina Rosetti

Remember me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land,
Where you can no longer take me by the hand,
Nor I half-turn to go, yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that planned,
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember; do not grieve.
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far that you should forget and smile,
Than that you should remember and be sad.
 

momhappy

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 3, 2013
Messages
4,660
JanesJewels|1417081068|3791155 said:
Momhappy, if your relative is still talking about the loss 24/7 after 18 months I'd guess it might be because she doesn't feel heard and validated. If you don't receive adequate social support in the initial weeks and months after a death, like I didn't, I think there's a much greater chance of getting stuck.

As to whether bereavement counselling is useful, I had my first session on Monday this week. It's hard to judge from one session, but if you don't have many people to really, really talk to, like I don't, I think it could be very valuable. She did tell me I was depressed, which made me feel even more depressed - as if I was really in trouble, rather than experiencing the natural result of going through a major bereavement. I don't think being told it was very helpful. Have you heard of the bumble bee story? Apparently, if you calculate the weight/volume of a bumble bee's body and then the power of its wings relative to the body, it shouldn't be able to fly. But no one's ever told the bumble bee that its wings are weak so it flies anyway. It's kind of like that. So my point is, she needs to find the right counsellor. But yes, it sounds as if she could use some professional guidance. Perhaps a trusted family member could gently suggest it.

This person has actually had a ton of support (before, during and after the death of the loved one). From the diagnosis to the death, there was support and/or counseling from lots of family & friends, the church, hospice, and grief counseling/therapy after the loss (which still continues 18 months later). This person also lives in the same city as all of their family (siblings, parents, etc.) and they all have close relationships with one another.
The constant talking about the loss seems to be out of the fact that the loss is all-consuming for this person. I know that it's very difficult for them, but it has been difficult for us (and others) too and it makes things very awkward & painful to have the loss revisited in almost every conversation.
Thanks for sharing your experience with bereavement counseling. I hope that you can gain some relief….over time….. Hugs to you.
 

Rosey

Rough_Rock
Joined
Nov 23, 2014
Messages
5
Janes jewels,

Thank you for your reply- I hope the support and feedback you are receiving here is providing you with some strength during these dark hours. From an outside perspective you appear to be grieving in a healthy way - though you don't readily have the support you did seek it out indicative of your insight into your emotions. I hope this professional is able to provide with some helpful tools as you trek through these murky waters. I believe people do not realize that grief is not just grief-it is the exacerbation of your relationship with this person that comes spilling out. Unresolved feelings, locked up anger and frustrations and past hurts play a critical role in the grief process- a good therapist IMO should explore your relationship with your mom as a way of working through your grief-hope this helps and isn't so preachy and if so I apologize - my desire to help those in need has resulted, as you are well aware, in my desire to post -if it helps even one person I will be happy to have done so.

Momhappy,

It sounds to me like the person you are speaking of is in the depths of complicated grief. When the death of someone prevents you from being able to cope and do their daily activities it is considered to be a grief that has not been properly addressed. As an outsider it appears that their are either personal or familial issues that were preexisting prior to said persons death that have only been exacerbated since the death occurred. This person needs regular ongoing therapy to address the issues at hand rather then continuing to spiral downward as a result of them. I wish them luck and patience to those surrounding them. It is not easy to continue to relive the past for those who have grieved but when someone close to you is unable to do the same you have no choice. Wishing those close to them ( not sure what your relation is) peace patience and understanding for their loved one to get the help and support they need.
 

momhappy

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 3, 2013
Messages
4,660
Rosey|1417114965|3791335 said:
Janes jewels,

Thank you for your reply- I hope the support and feedback you are receiving here is providing you with some strength during these dark hours. From an outside perspective you appear to be grieving in a healthy way - though you don't readily have the support you did seek it out indicative of your insight into your emotions. I hope this professional is able to provide with some helpful tools as you trek through these murky waters. I believe people do not realize that grief is not just grief-it is the exacerbation of your relationship with this person that comes spilling out. Unresolved feelings, locked up anger and frustrations and past hurts play a critical role in the grief process- a good therapist IMO should explore your relationship with your mom as a way of working through your grief-hope this helps and isn't so preachy and if so I apologize - my desire to help those in need has resulted, as you are well aware, in my desire to post -if it helps even one person I will be happy to have done so.

Momhappy,

It sounds to me like the person you are speaking of is in the depths of complicated grief. When the death of someone prevents you from being able to cope and do their daily activities it is considered to be a grief that has not been properly addressed. As an outsider it appears that their are either personal or familial issues that were preexisting prior to said persons death that have only been exacerbated since the death occurred. This person needs regular ongoing therapy to address the issues at hand rather then continuing to spiral downward as a result of them. I wish them luck and patience to those surrounding them. It is not easy to continue to relive the past for those who have grieved but when someone close to you is unable to do the same you have no choice. Wishing those close to them ( not sure what your relation is) peace patience and understanding for their loved one to get the help and support they need.

Thanks, Rosey. Many other family members have made the choice to end their relationships with this person for many reasons, but one of which was due to the fact that they could no longer continue to revisit the loss all of the time (as it was constantly brought up by this person). This person also tries to project their feelings unto others - saying that they must be terribly depressed, they need counseling, etc. Not everyone grieves the same way, so to be told how to grieve, how to get help, etc. can be offensive to someone who prefers to grieve & heal in their own ways. My husband was deeply affected by the loss too and I'm amazed that he is able to cope with this person. I try to be as supportive as I can and I follow his lead when it comes to our relationship with them. My hope is that in time, they will heal and have the ability to move forward with their life.
 

Jambalaya

Ideal_Rock
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Thanks, Rosey xxx I really appreciate everything you write, more than you can know.
 

Jambalaya

Ideal_Rock
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Everyone who has ever lost someone should read what Rosey wrote. It's very relevant and helpful in terms of older/not-so-recent losses, in my opinion, especially the part about old resentments and unresolved hurts. Rosey has made a great contribution to this topic, IMHO. I care for my family because I don't want lingering feelings like she describes when they're gone...I figure it would be too late to fix anything then (however, the very act of caring can bring on resentment if you give up too much of your life). But her post has reminded me of a main reason why I do what I do - because it's very, very important to me not to have regrets. There are no do-overs once someone's passed.
 

Rosey

Rough_Rock
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Mom happy,

The projection of said person is merely a reflection of her own thoughts. If comfortable and thus able to do so, when in the midst of her projections reflect them back to her in a nonjudgmental way and see how she responds; I think this could be her indirect way of trying to obtain familial support ( though not in the healthiest of ways). I do understand it is difficult and emotionally draining to discuss the issue all the time. It's great that you are supportive of your spouse and following his lead- sounds like his grieving process has been a healthier one.

Jambalaya,

Thank you so much for your kind words:) As mentioned if I could make a difference in even one persons life it's worthwhile -that's why I do so what I do... I was just patiently waiting for the right moment to do try and do it over here too!:)
 

Jambalaya

Ideal_Rock
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Rosey, you are clearly very experienced in what you do - you express what you have to say so well! Your clients/patients are so lucky to have you!
 

Rosey

Rough_Rock
Joined
Nov 23, 2014
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Thank you so much jambalaya - when you love what you do, it's not just a job, it's a vocation and I really feel like this is mine.
I wish i could could help everyone-truly. Thank you for your kind words and high praise! xo
 

JanesJewels

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 29, 2012
Messages
248
I haven't posted in a while, as I have been feeling slightly better and sleep has been a little better; however I'm still spending wayyy too much time in my pajamas. But I'm tired a lot. I'm determined the pajama habit will stop, though.

Tonight the chemo names are bothering me. Lying in bed, for the last couple of hours they've been flying through my head like ticker-tape. Like the dates, maybe if I write them down they'll go away.

Adriamycin - you're called the Red Devil. To my surprise, you are actually red. But the name is really because you can sometimes have such harsh side-effects. And some people who have a terminal recurrence have you in their past. I don't care for you. You make people sick and you don't prevent a certain number of relapses.

Cytoxan - all I know about you is that you're often given in the ghastly unholy trinity with adriamycin and taxotere. ACT, that's what you lot are called when you're together.

Taxotere - see above. You're the T in ACT. As far as I'm concerned, you three need to smarten up your act, because despite your undoubted power to land people in the hospital, you only work approx 30% of the time. That's 70% of the time you do nothing but make people sicker. Surely, surely there has to be a better way. I wait for the moment when you are all consigned to oncological history. If that happens in my lifetime, I will go out to the finest restaurant, dine on the best dishes, and drink the most vintage wine in celebration of the fact that we have found something better.

Taxol

Xeloda - you're the only one given in a pill at home. I suspect it was you who knocked Mom over the edge that night, and you're the reason I didn't call her to say goodnight, because she had taken you for the first time and I thought you might make her feel sick. You make me feel sick now, all these months later. Dad had to give you back to the cancer center instead of throwing you away himself, because you're so toxic.

Halaven

Doxil

Abraxane

Mitoxantrone - you were a surprise. I'd never heard of you. You're blue. You were supposed to turn Mom's eyeballs and nails blue, but you didn't. Lying in bed in the last couple of hours, I have only just realized all this time later that the reason the blue tinge didn't appear is that she was in liver failure so the liver didn't process you and you didn't get into the body in the way you were meant to. No, you didn't work. I'm sure you tried your best though. You have a reputation for being a mild but effective chemo. The onc said that if Mom's tumors had been at all chemo-sensitive, you would have worked. Too little, too late. But that's what happens when you fail to scan a patient with advanced cancer for fourteen whole months. Mom was already in liver failure by the time she received you. She was so terrified of you, did you know that? But she needn't have worried.

Gemzar - are you kidding me? You sound delightful. Like a gem bazaar. But some have found you an easy and effective chemo, even if the doctors didn't give Mom the chance to take you. So I won't go on about your cruelly ironic name.

And now, the anti-hormonals, our heroes:

Tamoxifen - you gave us many more good years with Mom (1999-2004) and mild side-effects. How can I ever thank you? Too bad the doctors didn't realize back then that you need to be taken for 10 years not 5. If only Mom had been born six years later, she'd have been in time for the changed recommendation and quite possibly would be here now.
Anastrozole - you did what tamoxifen could no longer do. Thank you for that wonderful six months of high-quality remission.
Femara - OK, I don't know you, but what a funny name. Fem-ara. I wonder if there's a drug for a predominantly male cancer with the name Masc-ara.

And the others:
Dexamethasone - you gave Mom back her appetite in her last few weeks. She sounded happy after she took you. Thank you.
Xgeva - you strengthened Mom's bones as the cancer spread over them. Thank you. No fractures thanks to you.
Jumbo DCAL tablets - you tried your best.
Painkillers - I wish she'd taken you more.

And the day approaches when the last time I laid eyes on you, Mom....December 31st, 2013. It's not a calendar date you can forget. How weird that you lived until April 2014 but I never saw you again after Dec 31st. When I wake up in the morning on that day at the end of this month, the clock will have ticked over to just a few hours past a full year. That gray, windy morning, when you and I had a minor argument, and I climbed aboard the bus to go to the airport. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that we would never see each other again.

I've ordered the Swarovski rabbit with the blue flowers. I look forward to seeing it holding its little bunch of forget-me-nots out to your photograph. Oh - and I had the locket engraved on the back with the words from your family headstone: "Forever in our thoughts with love." I'm going to pick it up next week. I've missed wearing it.

Anyway, thanks to all the drugs that worked. Too bad about the ones that didn't - and cancer, you may think you won and I guess you did, but you never got Mom's hair, and as a result I have a precious lock of it. So go F888 yourself!
 

JanesJewels

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 29, 2012
Messages
248
God, it's past 4am. How did that happen. :(sad
 

JanesJewels

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 29, 2012
Messages
248
I just don't understand cancer. Why would a body want to self-destruct?
 
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