How do I tell my husband I want a new engagement ring?

[CaliSun]

Hello,

For all those men who wonder ''how important is it to get her the ring she wants?'' please read my story and let me know your thoughts...

After dating for about 6 years, the time came to think of engagement. At that point, I just wanted to get married. I told my husband that the ring was not that important. Huge mistake! But the reality of it all is, if we waited to get married until we had enough saved for a ring, we''d still be dating.... We wanted to move to the other coast and I couldn''t bring myself to do it without being married first and having the wedding near our families. And not being married was holding us up from moving to where we wanted to be.
Anyway, he proposed with his mother''s first e-ring. This ring is about 35 years old, .33 carats w/2 small side stones and is white gold. Totally not my style. Plus, the white gold had yellowed so I had to take it to be ''re-dipped'' after he proposed. The only way he lucked out with that ring is that it fit me.
I wore the ring while we were engaged, but once we were married, the ring went back in the box never to be worn again. It does not match my wedding ring and I simply don''t like it. The setting is odd and I prefer platinum. I certainly was not about to pick out my wedding ring based on that ring... So I went with a simple shared-prong eternity band to still have a little bling.
At the time, my husband was aware that I was not happy with my e-ring. He told me that the time was not right for us to spend gobs of money on a ring, but after we were married for a bit, the ring would be replaced. He told me let''s shoot for our 5-year anniversary so it will mean something. That sounded fair to me.
Well, we are coming up on our 4th anniversary and apparently he has forgotten all about this. I think he''s under the impression that I''m okay with all of this. But the bottom line is, I want a new ring. I don''t want the one I have to be reset. I want a 1-1.5 carat round stone, tiffany style setting. That''s what I''ve always wanted. But he''s never asked.

How do I tactfully approach this? I don''t want to hurt his feelings and at the same time, I don''t want him to see this as an unneccessary expense. As in, why do you need that, you already have an e-ring... I feel that every lady deserves one super nice piece of jewelry in their lifetime. I am willing to purchase my own as long as I know my hubby is okay with me spending from our savings.

Thanks in advance for your help

 

[movie zombie]

tell him with the 5th anniversary coming up you''ve started researching a replacement e-ring as you had discussed at your time of engagement. i''m betting he hasn''t forgotten; its just not on the male radar.

mz

 

[LadyBlue]

I''m agree with movie zombie, In a playful voice, I will remind him that in one more year you will be getting the e-ring of your dreams

 

[LaraOnline]

You are in a near identical situation to me! I also had to make a big compromise on my e-ring to marry the man of my dreams...

Around my fourth anni, I started getting a pulse up for the 'upgrade' ring... I started researching and eventually mentioned to my husband that I had started looking for my new ring.

I won't say it was COMPLETELY a dream run... he seemed surprised when I first brought itup, and did attempt to give me the guilts a couple of times...and then once I had 'sold' him on the go-forward, he attempted to turn my ring into a new fridge... or perhaps shade cloths for the patio... but I was certain that my desire was legitimate and fair.

I pushed on, took responsibility for pretty much the whole transaction, although I did get a lump sum from our joint account for the sale. I paid the rest out of my own account. (Didn't go into much detail with him!!)

When it finally arrived, he could see the pleasure and pride I have in the ring. I've been surprised by his support.

He often makes little comments about how sparkly or pretty it is. I think he's glad I have it. (!) Got it a couple of months after my fifth anni. Both rings are engraved with our names and wedding date.

So now, he understands...took me just over a year from go to whoa, and it didn't involve any nagging. Just a calm and steady certainty!!

But believe me when I say, I've done him PLENTY of favours!

Here's a photo! Tiffany style knife-edge solitaire (2.5mm wide)with matching plain band (3.25mm wide). Diamond is F/SI1/1.11c

 

[whitby_2773]

hi calisun

i''m normally anti the upgrade approach, but i think your situation is completely different. your husband never actually GAVE you an engagement ring!

i understand wanting to be tactful, but i do sometimes feel as tho the guilt approach is very convenient for men and works very effectively in making women unwilling to ask for something that they themselves feel is reasonable. you said you didn''t want him to see it as an unnecessary expense - along the lines of ''you already have an engagement ring''. strictly speaking, this isn''t true. his MOTHER had an engagement ring - you...not so much.

i think an engagement ring - a nice one, so long as it''s within budget - isn''t at ALL an unreasonable request. like you, i didnt get engaged with my own diamond - we used my mother''s and had it reset. and for the first few years, it was fine. but i was ultimately given a .83 diamond ring, with .25 on each side - and i loved it very much. THIS was my husband''s ring to me; the ring i was engaged with was a stand in. a special stand in - granted - but a stand in nonetheless. my father bought it for my mother, and it was never really my ring.

i think you''d be well within your rights to start reminding your husband that you have never actually had an engagement ring bought for you, and that it''s coming up to your fifth anniversary as he originally agreed. he may not see the value in it - as many men dont. but this is, in large part, irrelevant; a marriage is a joint thing and you''ve waited. it''s now time for him to come to the party on what''s important to you - even if he doesn''t see the point.

i wish you all the best, calisun. pls let us know how it goes - i suspect this might be a longish process....

 

[Elmorton]

Q:How do I tell my husband I want a new engagement ring?

A: "Husband, I want a new engagement ring."

Seriously - I think it was my priest who, in our pre-marital counseling, said that in a marriage, it''s important to tell your spouse what you want. Whether it''s a diamond or a new car, simply sit down and say "I''ve thought about it, and this is something I want. What do you think?"

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I certainly understand your desire for a new ring! Once you get the okay, we''ll have fun helping you search for the perfect stone!

 

[Kaleigh]

Tell him what you told us. Or direct him to us, we''ll take good care of you. I don''t think it should take too much. You didn''t get an ering... Also tell him buying online, he will save a lot, and will get a stone that is the best of the best..

 

[VRBeauty]

You've already told him!

Now you just need to remind him... and to explain that picking (or putting together) the perfect ring takes time, so the two of you had best start now if he's going to fulfill his fifth anniversary promise!

 

[kcoursolle]

If you can it may also help to save up a little extra money so that the expense isn''t so great. This might help sway him a little.

 

[Lorelei]

Plant the seed, water it regularly and let it grow.

That way he will get used to the idea and it will soon be not if you get your ring but when. You did not get your own e-ring, he was the one who said for the fifth anniversary you could have one so now it is almost time to collect!

 

[bee*]

I definitely think that I''d just say it to him or like MZ said, just say it playfully that as your 5 year isn''t too far away,you''re starting to research.

 

[makemepretty]

When you marry for love, you don''t always get the dream engagement ring. It''s perfectly fine to upgrade whenever you feel the need. Since the first one is pretty small, just keep it and start all over when looking for a new ring. Remind him that dogs may be mans best friend but diamonds are a girls!

I think your husband knows you enough to realize you''re not being greedy, sometimes a girl just needs pretty things. If it''ll keep you married to him another decade or so, I''m sure he''d be happy to oblige.

I always tell my husband anniversaries are to convince me to stay another year bring the presents on..... I kid though. You don''t get a gold star to hang on your wall if you deprive yourself. Tell him what would make you happy and find a way to get it(he''d do the same). I''ve been married 18 years this Monday. We''ve been together since we were 17 and this is what I''ve learned: Husbands are not mind readers, you have to let them know what will make you happy and they really do want you to be happy. It makes their life easier if you are

 

[Black Jade]

Yes, I think that you should bring it up now and remind him, ''playfully'' as someone said, and tactfully, that you''d like a ring of your own, as promised. I don''t think that in your case we can reasonably call it a ''new'' ring, as you''ve never had your own, but more what I would call kind of a placeholder.
As someone else said, I doubt your husband is being mean, just that men do forget these things, they are in fact not on their radar. For my twenty-fifth, my husband had all these wonderful plans for a romantic trip for both of us, which made me happy. But I knew that I also wanted a piece of jewelry, so I asked him if I couldn''t have one. He was surprised that I wanted it, but he said yes. And then I got a lovely anniversary ring. Later in the year, he also thought of giving me a great birthday present of diamond studs, because it was now in his mind that I like jewelry.
The one piece of real advice I would give though, is not have yourself set on an exact ring, though it''s normal to have a ''dream ring'' in mind, especially when you never got what you wanted at first. I don''t know your financial situation, but it strikes me that the ring you have described that you want sounds quite expensive. Given the current financial climate your husband might not feel its in the budget to get you that exact one, and he could feel like this without being ''cheap'' or ''mean''--one way that men show how much they love you can be by saving and planning for long-term financial security, which needs to be balanced with the gifts we women like to get (at least, many of us) in order to feel valued and loved.
I also would not get rid of the family ring, if at all possible, by selling or trading in, to you its ugly and old-fashioned (and also symbolic of you not getting what you wanted the first time) but these things have a way of becoming heirlooms. I can''t help but remember how both me (twenty-five years ago) and my mother (twenty-five years before me) thought of my grandmother''s engagement ring--so wierd and so old-fashioned, that white gold, that filigree, that rather strangely cut diamond set down so low--what we wouldn''t give to have that fantastic art deco piece back in the family now. Not even thinking about the SENTIMENTAL value.

 

[D&T]

Date: 4/24/2009 5:35:30 AM
Author: Lorelei
Plant the seed, water it regularly and let it grow.

That way he will get used to the idea and it will soon be not if you get your ring but when. You did not get your own e-ring, he was the one who said for the fifth anniversary you could have one so now it is almost time to collect!

Did that, done that.. took about 8 months.... and got it

I hope you get yours too.

 

[vespergirl]

You guys already discussed it some years ago, and he said that the 5 year anni would be the time, so I think this is the perfect time for you to remind him. It can become a fun project for you guys to research it together. Good luck!

 

[tlh]

Date: 4/24/2009 10:01:52 AM
Author: vespergirl
You guys already discussed it some years ago, and he said that the 5 year anni would be the time, so I think this is the perfect time for you to remind him. It can become a fun project for you guys to research it together. Good luck!

Yup. I agree. Since you are at your 4th, and finding a stone can take awhile... I''d just bring it up... when he''s paying attn.

"So I started looking for my e-ring today! Our 5 yr ann is only a year away, (and then run this into the same sentance) and when we first got married, we agreed the 5 year anniversary was when I could get a ring of my very own choosing. So I''ve started pricing out diamonds and solitare settings. What is my budget for this ring project, and How much should we set aside each month to cover this?"

It should be a discussion. Even though he promised 5 years ago, you are a team today. It really depends on your current situation and what you can afford. Because as a team whether it is income you bring home, or he brings home, it is should be BOTH your desicions and you should agree.

Best wishes!

 

[Kelli]

Date: 4/23/2009 11:51:17 PM
Author: Elmorton
Q:How do I tell my husband I want a new engagement ring?

A: ''Husband, I want a new engagement ring.''

Seriously - I think it was my priest who, in our pre-marital counseling, said that in a marriage, it''s important to tell your spouse what you want. Whether it''s a diamond or a new car, simply sit down and say ''I''ve thought about it, and this is something I want. What do you think?''

Ditto! You never got one in the first place, it''s hardly an unreasonable request. Stop feeling guilty over and just remind him!

 

[Steel]

Date: 4/23/2009 11:51:17 PM
Author: Elmorton
Q:How do I tell my husband I want a new engagement ring?

A: ''Husband, I want a new engagement ring.''

Seriously - I think it was my priest who, in our pre-marital counseling, said that in a marriage, it''s important to tell your spouse what you want. Whether it''s a diamond or a new car, simply sit down and say ''I''ve thought about it, and this is something I want. What do you think?''

Thritto.

Hi & Welcome CaliSun,

Approaching your 4th, you will know by now that men need a little prompting from time to time. This is such a time.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Ditto to all the others - introduce it based on the discussion you''ve already had, and just keep bringing it up. I really think that most men just don''t get how important these things are to us women, but their intentions are basically good, and with some reminding and some gentle persuasion, they usually are happy to come around and do what it takes to make us happy

And also ditto to the others on not feeling guilty - you were promised this, and as you said, every woman deserves a nice piece of jewelry, and as long as you''re not compromising your finances to buy it, you shouldn''t feel guilty about it at all

 

[Dancing Fire]

tell him either you get a new E-ring or you''ll get a new husband.

 

[upgrade]

I fully agree that being direct is the way to go! When I was wanting my upgrade I dropped a lot of hints which only resulted in frustration for me and hurt feelings for him. Had I sat down with him and had a direct conversation about it, it would have been a much smoother process.

It took a while for him to understand why this mattered to me, though. He though it was just a ''thing'' and I already had a ''thing'' so who cares? I had to explain to him that an engagement ring is something that a girl dreams of her whole life and it''s the single thing she''ll own that she will wear every single day until she dies. That alone makes it worth spending money on! Once he understood that it was a symbol of so many things for me and that it would really make me feel special and appreciated and like he felt I was worth it, he was totally on board and we started saving.

My advice to you would be to remember that the male brain doesn''t work like the female brain and sometimes you have to just spell it out! Like some previous posters said, he''s not a mind reader! Tell him what you want (nicely, of course!) and why you want it and what it means to you. Then you can set a budget and start saving and looking!

Good luck and please let us know what happens!

 

[D&T]

Date: 4/24/2009 1:47:12 PM
Author: upgrade
I fully agree that being direct is the way to go! When I was wanting my upgrade I dropped a lot of hints which only resulted in frustration for me and hurt feelings for him. Had I sat down with him and had a direct conversation about it, it would have been a much smoother process.

It took a while for him to understand why this mattered to me, though. He though it was just a ''thing'' and I already had a ''thing'' so who cares? I had to explain to him that an engagement ring is something that a girl dreams of her whole life and it''s the single thing she''ll own that she will wear every single day until she dies. That alone makes it worth spending money on! Once he understood that it was a symbol of so many things for me and that it would really make me feel special and appreciated and like he felt I was worth it, he was totally on board and we started saving.

My advice to you would be to remember that the male brain doesn''t work like the female brain and sometimes you have to just spell it out! Like some previous posters said, he''s not a mind reader! Tell him what you want (nicely, of course!) and why you want it and what it means to you. Then you can set a budget and start saving and looking!

Good luck and please let us know what happens!

 

[pyramid]

Date: 4/24/2009 6:48:46 AM
Author: makemepretty
When you marry for love, you don''t always get the dream engagement ring. It''s perfectly fine to upgrade whenever you feel the need. Since the first one is pretty small, just keep it and start all over when looking for a new ring. Remind him that dogs may be mans best friend but diamonds are a girls!

I think your husband knows you enough to realize you''re not being greedy, sometimes a girl just needs pretty things. If it''ll keep you married to him another decade or so, I''m sure he''d be happy to oblige.

I always tell my husband anniversaries are to convince me to stay another year bring the presents on..... I kid though. You don''t get a gold star to hang on your wall if you deprive yourself. Tell him what would make you happy and find a way to get it(he''d do the same). I''ve been married 18 years this Monday. We''ve been together since we were 17 and this is what I''ve learned: Husbands are not mind readers, you have to let them know what will make you happy and they really do want you to be happy. It makes their life easier if you are

Yes, I learned that the hard way. Oh and my ex didn''t want me to be happy, whilst I dreamt of a new ring, he was off making another man''s wife happy

However, the man I like now, I am happy to have ring or no ring, it doesn''t matter when it is real love.

 

[Steel]

Date: 4/24/2009 2:13:11 PM
Author: Pyramid

Date: 4/24/2009 6:48:46 AM
Author: makemepretty
When you marry for love, you don''t always get the dream engagement ring. It''s perfectly fine to upgrade whenever you feel the need. Since the first one is pretty small, just keep it and start all over when looking for a new ring. Remind him that dogs may be mans best friend but diamonds are a girls!

I think your husband knows you enough to realize you''re not being greedy, sometimes a girl just needs pretty things. If it''ll keep you married to him another decade or so, I''m sure he''d be happy to oblige.

I always tell my husband anniversaries are to convince me to stay another year bring the presents on..... I kid though. You don''t get a gold star to hang on your wall if you deprive yourself. Tell him what would make you happy and find a way to get it(he''d do the same). I''ve been married 18 years this Monday. We''ve been together since we were 17 and this is what I''ve learned: Husbands are not mind readers, you have to let them know what will make you happy and they really do want you to be happy. It makes their life easier if you are

Yes, I learned that the hard way. Oh and my ex didn''t want me to be happy, whilst I dreamt of a new ring, he was off making another man''s wife happy

However, the man I like now, I am happy to have ring or no ring, it doesn''t matter when it is real love.

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

For the love of God don''t say that out loud or we are all scuppered

.

Now repeat after me...It matters! (This is a diamond forum)

 

[pyramid]

Steel - Yes, of course, thinking about it logically you know

you are definitely speaking sense into me. Yes ofcourse, diamonds matter, they always will to me that is for sure. Oh and I am still getting one, for myself. They are after all A Girl's Best Friend and I should know.

 

[CaliSun]

Hi everyone!
First, I really want to thank you all for such a warm welcome.
I''ve been looming around PriceScope for a while and it took me some time to muster up the nerve to post. So a big thanks for all your support!
LaraOnline, I appreciate you sharing your circurmstance and am so happy to hear that everything worked out so well for you!
What a beautiful ring! Well worth the wait!!

You''re all right. I just need to spit it out. The longer I go on not saying anything, the more I give this a chance to build resentment between us. I am so lucky to have married my best friend, we are truly a sickeningly good couple... I have no rational reason to think he would say ''No'' except that he wouldn''t understand how much this means to me. So I just need to tell him.
But timing is everything, so I need to wait for the right moment... I''m in sales so I know selling a great idea is all about when you mention it!

A million thanks. I feel a lot better already. This is going to happen for sure!!

I will keep you all posted.

And, for the record, I just want something simple... I love the Tiffany style rings and have been checking out the WF and Excel tiffany settings.

 

[LaraOnline]

If you are interested, there is a thread where I took a few more photos of this ring, as I said it is in the Tiffany style you might be interested in.

I would try to 'enjoy the journey', because I found that my tastes changed the more I thought about the whole thing. In many ways, having the full year to really think about it was a really good idea.

For example, when I first started thinking about upgrades, I thought I was interested in princess / square shapes.
Then I flirted with radiants... and a whole bunch of other stuff...

Anyway, here's the link to the other photos in my SMTR thread! good luck!
I had a few probs getting decent photos, so you might have to quickly scroll through a page or two to get to the profile shots...

Lara's ring!

 

[CaliSun]

That''s so true. If he DID ask me prior to our engagement, I would have said a pave band with a round diamond at the time. But I should probably just do some shopping and trying on to see what feels and looks right since I''ve never done that. Your ring is just beautiful, Lara!
Who knows, maybe I will even get a new wedding band while I am at it - my shared prong setting has been having problems (anyone else have this problem - platinum prongs shifting and diamonds getting loose?) so we shall see.

I have to say, I am amazed that Blue Nile isn''t really recommended here on PS - at least not that I''ve noticed. Supposedly they are the number one online diamond retailer. I was doing a lot of online browsing there until I stumbled upon this site. Now I see that there are a lot of other options out there... I really like a solitaire setting and theirs seems to hide too much of the stone. I like the basket style that WF and Excel offer which is similar to Tiffany''s. In my preliminary research, I''ve been pretty torn between WF and Excel as I really like Excel''s Tiffany setting, but WF gives so much more info about their diamonds. Having diamonds shipped to be set elsewhere doesn''t seem to make sense. Both settings are beautiful however.

As far as budget goes, I''m thinking in the realm of $10-$12k with an online retailer.
Given the state of the economy today, I am grateful that we have a bit of time to give a little more buffer room to feel comfortable with this purchase. It''s just not fun spending from savings these days.
In all reality, this conversation has to be had with my hubby very soon, for crying out loud. Pray for me that this will happen over the next few days!
If all things go well and we are still financially confident, we will likely seek to make this purchase within the next 7-11 months. Our 5th is in May of 2009 so that''s my unofficial deadline!

Thank you all once again and best wishes for a wonderful weekend

 

[LaraOnline]

Are you US based? I'm an Aussie, btw!

You do have a fair bit of time... lots and lots and LOTS of time to browse!!!