How do all the ps'ers convince their husbands

Yes i believe that is where he is coming from but i did have othe jewellery that i got rid of to get a ring in addition to saving.
I am not saying i will spend that much. I am saying i would love to.
I do not think it is fair for me to save then put it into something for us when he did not do the same.
See what i mean?
In the end i may just save it and do nothing.

ok I think I understand (oh man am I going to get flammed for this) So she's the one that wants to move and therefor they'll have a morgage 50k could go on the down payment(that would make sense). I don't think she meant allow but Agree, so my thought see what amount he would agree to for bling and see how you feel about it ( if they'll be any resentment on your part) are you still yearning for that 50 k ring or is the house more important I think it's about priorities here.

My husband really couldn't care less about jewelry or diamonds but before our 30th anniversary made the announcement that he'd like to get me something nice (smooth operator lol) so I went oh really, then please can I pick it out myself lol.(My original e-ring is a 0.05 diamond we were babies at the time him 19 me17.) I wanted a 1- 1.5 carat, otherthings got in the way I understood it was not perfect timing,(I said I could wait) it was still important to him that he get me something nice at the time not later so I got the setting of my dream with a half a carat in it. It turned out to be win/win. Hope this helps

Written by Abby12 » May 1st, 2012, 5:40 am:Ok, perhaps i need to clarify.

I am not asking for permission. I am asking for his accePyance and blessing to do it.
I did not get a ring because he had debt and kids. This is not first marriage.
I really want to move to a different house which would then mean we have a mortgage. Fine.
He believes that this money saved could be better used to buy furniture and put towards a new home.
I believe that we can save together, but then also have fun money savings too.
He never said i could not do it. He just does not agree with it because i
I would want to spend like 50k or whatever.

that'll buy a nice ring...

Written by packrat » May 1st, 2012, 8:33 am:So..ok, you each have your own play money, yes? You save yours and he spends his, yes? What does he spend HIS play money on? Himself? If so, then he can shut his pie hole. "Hey, guess what, I've bought 50k in toys and fun things for ME with MY play money but YOU get to spend YOUR play money on things for US" Cuz yeah, that's fair. If he's not spending it on himself, what's he doing w/it? Spending it on his kids? Regardless, maybe he's spending it on stuff for the BOTH of you, he's free to spend it how he wants, and so are YOU. Well hell, even IF he's spending it on stuff for both of you, it's his decision to do that.

agreed.

if you want a house you should both be saving for it.

he had debt and kids......he spends his "play" $ and doesn't save it. seems to me this is an ongoing issue re differences of what $ is for and how it is used.

get the ring if you really want it. don't call it an e-ring....

if you've managed to save $50k over the years for a ring and you're comfortable with spending that on a ring, do it. this has been building for years and will continue to do so until you get a ring.

and a house? is he really ready for such a thing? ongoing expenses and upkeep? how will that be budgeted for? if he's not wanting a house will it be up to you to make sure the $ is there for everything? or do you buy a house on your own and allow him to live there paying you rent?

again, seems to be more going on than merely a discussion about a "ring".......

Written by packrat » May 1st, 2012, 8:33 am:So..ok, you each have your own play money, yes? You save yours and he spends his, yes? What does he spend HIS play money on? Himself? If so, then he can shut his pie hole. "Hey, guess what, I've bought 50k in toys and fun things for ME with MY play money but YOU get to spend YOUR play money on things for US" Cuz yeah, that's fair. If he's not spending it on himself, what's he doing w/it? Spending it on his kids? Regardless, maybe he's spending it on stuff for the BOTH of you, he's free to spend it how he wants, and so are YOU. Well hell, even IF he's spending it on stuff for both of you, it's his decision to do that.

agreed.

if you want a house you should both be saving for it.

he had debt and kids......he spends his "play" $ and doesn't save it. seems to me this is an ongoing issue re differences of what $ is for and how it is used.

get the ring if you really want it. don't call it an e-ring....

if you've managed to save $50k over the years for a ring and you're comfortable with spending that on a ring, do it. this has been building for years and will continue to do so until you get a ring.

and a house? is he really ready for such a thing? ongoing expenses and upkeep? how will that be budgeted for? if he's not wanting a house will it be up to you to make sure the $ is there for everything? or do you buy a house on your own and allow him to live there paying you rent?

again, seems to be more going on than merely a discussion about a "ring".......

Hi,

Like another posted stated, I was behind you until you said $50K as an amount. I think we'd ALL love to have that kind of budget to play with, but the fact is, it's really a lot to spend on a ring even if you have unlimited funds. Can you find something beautiful for $10K and buy and enjoy it? Not worry about your husband thinks?

Yes, you are a grown adult and should be making your own decisions and should not need his permission, but you should at least look at a bit of compromising to even things out. I think buying a nice 1 ct in a gorgeous setting is easily doable with $10K and you'll have money left over for later projects or just to have in savings.

I don't know...well, I do know. Even if my dh saved up $50K on the side in fun money, I'd be annoyed if he spent it on even one of his very favorite things (even if I didn't think it was useless). It's just a lot of money to blow on one thing!

50K does seem high, in view of the fact your husband is experiencing financial challenges. The home you are creating together and the fact he is providing support for his children is an important piece of your relationship. Trust me, the ring can wait until after you have settled down, furnished your home and created some semblance of stability. If you feel left out or your wants and needs ignored because he thinks 50K is too much to spend on a ring, then perhaps you might rethink your priorities.

If you have the means to spend the 50K on yourself, while your husband struggles to furnish your home and feed the kids then I am afraid your problems might be much deeper than a ring on your finger.

I do hope you can put this into perspective and consider a compromise. A nice diamond ring does not have to cost 50K. It is possible you are wearing PS tinted glasses.

Good luck and please keep us updated.

That's why I'm trying to figure out where HIS fun money is going. His kids? His parents? If in the amount of time she's SAVED her fun money and it equals 50k, let's say it's been 2 years, he's also gotten them same amount I assume over that same amount of time. I would assume they each have the SAME amount coming to them weekly or however they do it. SO, it stand to reason, he's already gotten 50k, so what did he spend it on? He can't be experiencing too awful much financial hardship if he's had the same 50k in fun money, doled out along the way. If he bought 50k in toys for his kids, well, that's not really so much a reason for her not to get to spend her money on what she wants. He should already have money set aside in the financials to provide for his kids. The fun money is supposed to be fun money, not child support money, that's why she's terming it fun/play money, I'm guessing? I don't know. I don't get it. If his parents were having a hard time and he gave them his fun money, well, still, that's a grand gesture and very thoughtful, but that doesn't mean she can't spend hers the way she wants.

I can't see spending 50k on anything for myself, period. However, if JD and I each set aside money and it totaled 1000 over a 1 year period (which for US is a LOT of money) and he'd been spending his on fancy coffees and taking his mom out to eat or bought his mom something, and then squawked when I wanted to spent my saved 1000 on a purse for me, that's pretty knock ya upside the head-worthy.

[quote="laylah|1335889213|3184828"]50K does seem high, in view of the fact your husband is experiencing financial challenges. The home you are creating together and the fact he is providing support for his children is an important piece of your relationship. Trust me, the ring can wait until after you have settled down, furnished your home and created some semblance of stability. If you feel left out or your wants and needs ignored because he thinks 50K is too much to spend on a ring, then perhaps you might rethink your priorities.

quote]
..are there more important things than diamonds?...

Thanks everyone for your opinions.

There is of course more details but i am comfortable leaving it as is.
I will keep you posted.......

Written by laylah » May 1st, 2012, 10:20 am:50K does seem high, in view of the fact your husband is experiencing financial challenges. The home you are creating together and the fact he is providing support for his children is an important piece of your relationship. Trust me, the ring can wait until after you have settled down, furnished your home and created some semblance of stability. If you feel left out or your wants and needs ignored because he thinks 50K is too much to spend on a ring, then perhaps you might rethink your priorities.

If you have the means to spend the 50K on yourself, while your husband struggles to furnish your home and feed the kids then I am afraid your problems might be much deeper than a ring on your finger.

I do hope you can put this into perspective and consider a compromise. A nice diamond ring does not have to cost 50K. It is possible you are wearing PS tinted glasses. 8-)

Good luck and please keep us updated.

Great post!

I can see how this "want" can seriously cause stress and friction in the marrige.

What if the husband loses his job? Is this possibility ever on anyone's mind? Assuming that the wife also works, will her sole income be sufficient to cover all basic living expenses for a while?

Amount of money spent on luxuries should not be a significant percentage of one's financial responsibilities and goals (home, kid's education, own retirement, and etc.). If this $50K is invested in conservative mutual (stock and bond) funds, it will turn into a nice safety sum when one retires.

I'm just wondering if there is a way to have your cake and eat it too?


Meaning I know you want and saved for a 50k ring. What is your dream ring size/setting/etc may I ask? Because there are a ton of nice things on the estate market and you *might* be able to get what you want size/setting wise without spending that much money. Then you'd still have money left in savings AND you'd have your ring.

Just a thought!

It seems like there are quite a few major expenses on your horizon - the ring, the new mortgage, the new furniture...

If you haven't already, maybe you two could speak to a financial planner. Sometimes talking to a neutral third-party (one who has the whole picture and not just the glimpses that we do) can help.

But if you do buy that $50,000 ring, please post lots of pictures.

Written by packrat » May 1st, 2012, 10:38 am:That's why I'm trying to figure out where HIS fun money is going. His kids? His parents? If in the amount of time she's SAVED her fun money and it equals 50k, let's say it's been 2 years, he's also gotten them same amount I assume over that same amount of time. I would assume they each have the SAME amount coming to them weekly or however they do it. SO, it stand to reason, he's already gotten 50k, so what did he spend it on? He can't be experiencing too awful much financial hardship if he's had the same 50k in fun money, doled out along the way. If he bought 50k in toys for his kids, well, that's not really so much a reason for her not to get to spend her money on what she wants. He should already have money set aside in the financials to provide for his kids. The fun money is supposed to be fun money, not child support money, that's why she's terming it fun/play money, I'm guessing? I don't know. I don't get it. If his parents were having a hard time and he gave them his fun money, well, still, that's a grand gesture and very thoughtful, but that doesn't mean she can't spend hers the way she wants.

I can't see spending 50k on anything for myself, period. However, if JD and I each set aside money and it totaled 1000 over a 1 year period (which for US is a LOT of money) and he'd been spending his on fancy coffees and taking his mom out to eat or bought his mom something, and then squawked when I wanted to spent my saved 1000 on a purse for me, that's pretty knock ya upside the head-worthy.

again in agreement with packrat.

2 ct
But ps has made me picky.........
Maybe i need to not want a d color vs1 ideal cut

Written by Abby12 » May 1st, 2012, 12:08 pm:2 ct
But ps has made me picky.........
Maybe i need to not want a d color vs1 ideal cut

I'm assuming you're referring to a round? I've seen quite a few BEAUTIFUL AGS ideal cut rounds in good color on the secondary market for around 25-30k. Granted they aren't D color-but they are G/H in color. I think you could save a pretty penny going the preloved route-and then still have funds left over to buy whatever you need for your new home

Actually I was wrong. Here is just over 2 carats and D color and SI clarity (dont know if it's eye clean) for 26k
http://www.diamondbistro.com/category/215/Loose-natural-Diamonds/listings/28176/210-Ct-AGS-Triple-0,-BN-Signature-Diamond,-D-SI-1.html

And a little lower at I in color but VS2 in clarity and 2.6 carats
http://www.diamondbistro.com/category/215/Loose-natural-Diamonds/listings/27816/26-ct-AGS-000-Round-I-Color-VS2-Clarity.html

Written by Abby12 » May 1st, 2012, 12:08 pm:2 ct
But ps has made me picky.........
Maybe i need to not want a d color vs1 ideal cut

i'm not that greedy. i'll take a nice 2.5ct F VS2..

Written by distracts » April 30th, 2012, 3:48 pm:Yeah, Circe, but he is probably insulted/emasculated by the idea that she's given up on him getting her a ring and is going to do it on her own. It's silly, but that's probably how he's feeling and why he's against it. WE know that even if he's using the words "I won't allow it," that's BS since one adult cannot disallow another adult from doing something independently, but at the same time we also know if OP goes against that her husband will probably be upset, and she probably doesn't want to upset him. Which involves a lot of probablies.

I know my fiance felt like the ring was a measure of his manliness/worthiness or whatever. I dunno, I didn't even want a ring (haha, laugh at me now that I've been sucked into PS), but he insisted, and he literally spent five times my initial budget and would have spent a lot more if I hadn't put my foot down and said I wouldn't let him buy me anything more expensive until after we were married. But he was afraid of social judgment or something. I dunno.

In conclusion: boys are dumb. Do what you want.

Charming! (no snark)

We don't ask permission, but would consult each other before any big purchases. He just wouldn't object to me spending my own money, but I'm very happy with my engagement rings so no chance of an upgrade there.

As of this month, I took over the management of our joint money, and as a result, I'm keeping my own expenditure more in check than before. I think I'm the family banker now and I like saying NO to random acts of money squandering. Oh the power muhuhuahaaa.

I think spending time on Pricescope has warped my sense of perspective as far as what I'm willing to spend on a stone. $50k doesn't sound as shocking to me as I guess it should. My poor husband!

I think that the fact that you have managed to save up this amount for a ring shows that you really, really want it, and it also demonstrates (I'm making assumptions here) that you are willing to scrimp in other areas so that you can splurge on what really matters to you. My husband is perfectly ok knowing that I'm saving my fun money for a larger stone. I'm not really into high-end clothes, bags, or cars, so he knows I'm not a spendthrift. Jewelry just makes my heart go pitter patter, so that's what I choose to spend the big bucks on rather than clothes, shoes, bags, vehicles, etc.

If you can buy the ring of your dreams without it breaking the bank, I vote that you go ahead and do it! You can wear a big rock on any finger you want. Just don't refer to it as your "engagement ring" if that will bother your ball & chain.

Written by movie zombie » May 1st, 2012, 11:39 am:

Written by packrat » May 1st, 2012, 10:38 am:That's why I'm trying to figure out where HIS fun money is going. His kids? His parents? If in the amount of time she's SAVED her fun money and it equals 50k, let's say it's been 2 years, he's also gotten them same amount I assume over that same amount of time. I would assume they each have the SAME amount coming to them weekly or however they do it. SO, it stand to reason, he's already gotten 50k, so what did he spend it on? He can't be experiencing too awful much financial hardship if he's had the same 50k in fun money, doled out along the way. If he bought 50k in toys for his kids, well, that's not really so much a reason for her not to get to spend her money on what she wants. He should already have money set aside in the financials to provide for his kids. The fun money is supposed to be fun money, not child support money, that's why she's terming it fun/play money, I'm guessing? I don't know. I don't get it. If his parents were having a hard time and he gave them his fun money, well, still, that's a grand gesture and very thoughtful, but that doesn't mean she can't spend hers the way she wants.

I can't see spending 50k on anything for myself, period. However, if JD and I each set aside money and it totaled 1000 over a 1 year period (which for US is a LOT of money) and he'd been spending his on fancy coffees and taking his mom out to eat or bought his mom something, and then squawked when I wanted to spent my saved 1000 on a purse for me, that's pretty knock ya upside the head-worthy.

again in agreement with packrat.

Ye-ah! I love when people agree w/me, thanks MZ!

I'm certain you could get a stunning out of this world shut the front door ring w/way less than 50k. Is there a significance, some sort of meaning to you, to get a D VS1? Go down in color/clarity a bit and you could have two rings I'm betting, an "engagement" ring and a RHR. Far as I'm concerned, any ring you wear on your left hand, just b/c he didn't actually propose w/it, doesn't mean it can't be an engagement ring. If he's going to be a whine baby pee pants about it, that's his problem. He's had fun money that he's blown on we still don't know what, so if he really wanted to, he coulda gotten you an engagement ring. Buuuuut he dint, so get it yourself w/YOUR fun money.

Written by mrs jam » May 1st, 2012, 2:35 pm:I think spending time on Pricescope has warped my sense of perspective as far as what I'm willing to spend on a stone. $50k doesn't sound as shocking to me as I guess it should. My poor husband!

I think that the fact that you have managed to save up this amount for a ring shows that you really, really want it, and it also demonstrates (I'm making assumptions here) that you are willing to scrimp in other areas so that you can splurge on what really matters to you. My husband is perfectly ok knowing that I'm saving my fun money for a larger stone. I'm not really into high-end clothes, bags, or cars, so he knows I'm not a spendthrift. Jewelry just makes my heart go pitter patter, so that's what I choose to spend the big bucks on rather than clothes, shoes, bags, vehicles, etc.

If you can buy the ring of your dreams without it breaking the bank, I vote that you go ahead and do it! You can wear a big rock on any finger you want. Just don't refer to it as your "engagement ring" if that will bother your ball & chain.

That's exactly it! I don't care for fancy cars or handbags and i have saved very hard.
He does not care what hand i wear it on and i am hoping eventually he will be open to it.
He has already said i can do what i want but that is not the point! I want him to agree with it.
He has not bought himself toys or anything major, he just eats out, buys lots of coffee etc whereas i chose to save that money.

Written by Abby12 » May 1st, 2012, 2:52 pm:That's exactly it! I don't care for fancy cars or handbags and i have saved very hard.
He does not care what hand i wear it on and i am hoping eventually he will be open to it.
He has already said i can do what i want but that is not the point! I want him to agree with it.
He has not bought himself toys or anything major, he just eats out, buys lots of coffee etc whereas i chose to save that money.

You already have his agreement in that he acknowledges you can do what you want; that's his version of buy-in.

You want him to place the same value/importance on it as you do, and I think that's a bit unrealistic. He can support you by saying "it's your money, do what you want with it" even if he thinks it's a silly way to spend it. Some might think spending his 'fun money' on coffee and small things is a waste, too, and that's also ok.

You don't have to agree on relative value up front. In fact, it's more likely he'll better appreciate the 'value' to you when he sees the happiness it brings you.

I think i am just looking for a happy medium, one where he will not make negative comments about it in the future as he has sometimes done.

Written by Abby12 » May 1st, 2012, 3:37 pm:I think i am just looking for a happy medium, one where he will not make negative comments about it in the future as he has sometimes done.

Maybe he won't be like that when he sees how happy it makes you?

Why would he make negative comments about something you like when he knows you like it? Trying to make you feel bad for buying?

I've been quiet...but my DH is a huge supporter.. of the things I want.. I think because we are on a pretty level playing field when it comes to income.. and I have not been careless.... I just decided not long ago I wanted a pendant.. a nice one.. so I sold all kinds of things... craziness on ebay and I earned all but about $250.00 of the cost (darn ebay and paypal fees.. I need to figure those into the plan next time).. I think there are more ways than one to skin a cat... but I also support my DH's craziness too.. he likes watches and is dreaming of an old car.. if and when the time is right... kids are out of college and he wants it.. I assure you I will be very supportive... I think sometimes it comes down to understanding each other and having a good sense of financial responsibilities... I wouldn't make a purchase that put us at risk or caused tension.. good communication is still the most imporant part of any financial decision in a marriage...

Written by Mayk » May 1st, 2012, 4:29 pm:I've been quiet...but my DH is a huge supporter.. of the things I want.. I think because we are on a pretty level playing field when it comes to income.. and I have not been careless.... I just decided not long ago I wanted a pendant.. a nice one.. so I sold all kinds of things... craziness on ebay and I earned all but about $250.00 of the cost (darn ebay and paypal fees.. I need to figure those into the plan next time).. I think there are more ways than one to skin a cat... but I also support my DH's craziness too.. he likes watches and is dreaming of an old car.. if and when the time is right... kids are out of college and he wants it.. I assure you I will be very supportive... I think sometimes it comes down to understanding each other and having a good sense of financial responsibilities... I wouldn't make a purchase that put us at risk or caused tension.. good communication is still the most imporant part of any financial decision in a marriage...

Hey
Just curious as to what types of things you had success with selling on ebay? I would love to Purge and help fund my diamond sickness

And i agree with your comments completely!

Written by Mayk » May 1st, 2012, 4:29 pm:I've been quiet...but my DH is a huge supporter.. of the things I want.. I think because we are on a pretty level playing field when it comes to income.. and I have not been careless.... I just decided not long ago I wanted a pendant.. a nice one.. so I sold all kinds of things... craziness on ebay and I earned all but about $250.00 of the cost (darn ebay and paypal fees.. I need to figure those into the plan next time).. I think there are more ways than one to skin a cat... but I also support my DH's craziness too.. he likes watches and is dreaming of an old car.. if and when the time is right... kids are out of college and he wants it.. I assure you I will be very supportive... I think sometimes it comes down to understanding each other and having a good sense of financial responsibilities... I wouldn't make a purchase that put us at risk or caused tension.. good communication is still the most imporant part of any financial decision in a marriage...

This is perfect! Mayk - you guys sound like an incredible couple. I love this post. Very positive.

Abby, I hope you get a trinket that you feel happy with. It isn't a bad thing to treat yourself, especially if you've saved and planned for it, which does sound like you have. Sometimes, its ok to put yourself first and it sounds like you guys have a good grasp on the 'responsible stuff'. What about if you didn't use the full amount of what you have put away - but a decent % of the $$$ - then put the search out to PS to find something awesome for you in your financial comfort zone?

Maybe i need to not want a d color vs1 ideal cut

I haven't been here long but the message I've got from Pricescope is that a lot of people would prefer to go down the scale in colour and clarity in order to maximise the size.

Your stumbling block seems to be that not only is this e-ring not being lovingly bestowed upon you, it is something that you know has the potential to cause on-going friction into the future. It's true that we can do whatever we want but we also live with consequences. Of course the consequences can run the other way also, no matter how beautiful the ring you get, you may resent that he played no part in getting you a ring that was important to you and in fact he resented the money that was spent on it.