Heartbreak

[Burke]

Just went through a terrible break up for New Years with the man that I fully expected I would be married to within the next year. I am having such a hard time dealing with it, and I just don't know how to make myself feel better. I don't really have any close friends. Just mainly acquaintances, and as a nurse I only work 3 days a week, so I find myself with nothing but time to sit on my couch and cry. I just look ahead and see nothing to look forward to, just endless hours of sitting in my house alone. I don't post much, but I have been around for a long time, and feel as though I sort of "know" everyone on here. Suggestions for the ways to deal with heartbreak and how to move on? Thanks for listening to me

 

[VRBeauty]

First of all, hugs to you. I'm sorry to hear about your disappointment and heartbreak.

Please give yourself time. This happened only a few days ago, and you're (quite normally) going through a time of grieving. What you're feeling like and doing today does not define your future.

If you don't start to feel better after a week or two, consider seeing a counselor to help you move on.

When you start feeling better, start thinking about how you might get out and meet some more people.

I'm sorry - I'm not feeling very eloquent today. Trust me when I tell you that I've been in your shoes, and that the pain does diminish over time, and that there will come a time when your life is too full of new wonders to even think about this past relationship.

 

[Matata]

So sorry that you're in pain. Allow yourself to grieve the end of the relationship. Here are some things that may help you through a tough time:
volunteer somewhere doing something that you really like. If you can't think of anything you'd like, just try some different things: volunteer to walk dogs at a local shelter, shelve books at the library. Local newspapers usually list volunteer opportunities;

if you haven't already, join a gym or some other exercise group situation -- keeping your body challenged helps with moods;

choose a counselor to talk to for help working through relationship issues;

try to cultivate some of your acquaintances into friendships or look for other ways to get involved in life outside your circle;

don't be hard on yourself; don't be your worst critic;

and trite as this seems -- take it one minute, one hour, one day at a time and things will get better. Healing doesn't happen overnight;

Spread your wings and fly Burke. Life is full of wonderful experiences but you have to get out there and seek them out, make them happen.

 

[pregcurious]

Give yourself at least a month to start feeling slightly better. You can be experiencing not only emotional pain, but also physical symptoms of withdrawal, which are difficult to manage. I remember going through something like this; during the first month, I would sometimes feel completely overwhelmed, and have a very bad physical sensation. It took about a year to feel completely back to normal, and I stopped thinking about the person randomly. I am now happily married, and just had my 15th anniversary. There's so much to look forward towards.

 

[Tekate]

After 10 years of marriage ex husband quits job, goes to college, meets 19 yr old and dumps me after being together 15 years.. I was 32.. I went into another world... I was lucky in one way.. I worked for IBM at the time and there were tons of young adults to my age around and I just slowly started to hang out and did some 'wild and wilder crazy things' I joined a softball team (and I suck at any sport except sitting in the sun and met my husband of 26 years and i've got my two sons (ex didn't want kids so I 'loved his ass' so much I gave up that idea).. find yourself.. I found that I truly didn't know what food I really liked.. (always made italian as that was 'his' fav) I liked to travel (he didn't).. I liked to laugh (he was funny but caustic) I felt like nothing (he made me feel that way) and started to feel alive.. it took a lot of time but try to remember and I mean remember this: parse all things thru "does this make me feel happy?" "does this make me feel good?" when we give so much of ourselves to make a relationship work.. when we don't know what OUR likes, loves, needs, wants are because as women (most times not all of course) we are the ones who care give (not I didn't say caregiver) we care and give... do you like to read.. well get your kindle and read at your local Starbucks, whole foods, or go to the library.. get out, work at the local animal shelter walking dogs.. do for YOU YOU YOU YOU.. if you didn't know the relationship was on the skids.. then you were giving all.. now in my life I give all to my kids (they are grownups now but they are and always my first priority) I give to my husband but if it get's to a point where I am unhappyish (new word!) I recycle me and find out why I am not my usual self.. usually I am trying to be all to husband, kids etc... the world won't end if you don't get the effing laundry done.

I am so sorry that your hopes and dreams ended.. but I can ASSURE you.. there are new dreams, new hopes and new happiness for you. sending healing, loving vibes your way.

 

[purplesparklies]

Awwww.....I am so sorry you are dealing with such a challenging time in your life. My sis went through this last year at this same time of year and I know she was just devastated. She is such a strong, smart, dynamic woman and we were all taken aback at how much her breakup affected her.

She is infinitely happier now, though. She now recognizes that there were signs that she did not recognize at the time that showed a glimpse of the negativity and controlling nature of her now ex. She now knows she dodged a bullet and is so thankful to not have married him and had children with him as was the plan. She gave herself time to grieve the loss of the relationship she thought she had with the man she thought he was.

Then, she focused on herself. She started to run just as a means to decompress. She ran 2 half marathons this year. She also participated in two mud runs. She met her current boyfriend at her first mud run back in June. He seems fantastic. He makes her smile and laugh.

Things were very dark but now the future up is so very bright. Get yourself some shades because once you drag yourself from the darkness and find you again, you will see that your future is bright also. Good luck!

 

[anne_h]

Hi Burke,

Sorry to hear your news. Losing a loved one is painful.

Look up information on the stages of grief. It will help you understand what you are and will be going through. In short, there are five main stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. The stages were originally defined for people grieving a death, but later research shows we go through similar patterns when losing pretty much anything close to us, be it a relationship, job, or even a pet. BTW, it's not a linear process. You may go from one stage to a different one, back to another one, and sometimes feel more than one at once (um, been there, lol).

Right now you are experiencing the pain of withdrawal from someone that was a key part of your life. He was your friend and partner. That hurts! Your old habits and comforts (with him) no longer work, and that is no fun. You are also realizing the dreams you had for the relationship can no longer be realized.

My advice is - it just happened, things are going to be sucky for awhile. Give yourself at least a month to just feel rotten. Just do whatever you do or don't feel like, and that may include chocolate and ice cream! Cry when you need to. If you're okay with it, let others in your life know what is going on so they can support you.

BTW, avoid the temptation to continue communicating/seeing your ex, if applicable. Research indicates this tends to delay the healing process. But if it happens, that's okay too.

Slowly, you will probably feel interested in getting back into outside activities. Go with it! As the others said, have fun and take care of YOU.

Hope this helps, and keep us posted!

Anne

PS - I know you mentioned not having a lot of friends or getting out much. You can also find various support forums online for dealing with the loss of a relationship. Counselling is another option if you want to talk about your feelings, although it costs more.

 

[chrono]

I'm sorry for what you are going through. It helps to be so busy that you don't have time to dwell on it. Join a club or do some activity that is new and exciting or familiar (hobby) so that you aren't cooped up at home. Meet new friends. Basically, take the time where the priority is you and only you, but yet not be alone.

 

[TC1987]

It's over, and men never sit around and mope and cry. They replace. So, do what men do: Focus on replacing. Take a travel nurse assignment in some interesting location, and put your stuff into storage and rent out your house or sublease the apartment or whatever temporarily? Get a second job? Start a new degree, like a MBA or healthcare administration masters or some other non-nursing degree that gets you into situations where you meet men? Take noncredit adult education courses where you'd meet marriageable men?

Nursing is a workplace full of women, children, families, and elderly, not a good place to find a date or mate. Discussions on AllNurses said that nurses most often wind up marrying cops or paramedics or EMTs or something, because those are the only single males they meet through work. So, you have to escape the women-and-families world and get out somewhere else to meet men. There have been a lot of women take jobs in Alaska just to land a husband. ;-D

 

[Smith1942]

Oh, I am so sorry to hear this, Burke. Heartbreak is uniquely awful. When my ex - I thought he was the love of my life - and I broke up I literally thought I would never, ever get over it. But I absolutely did and comparing then with now, with the distance of a few years, I can hardly believe the difference in my feelings. I know, I know, it's an old chestnut, but the one about time working wonders really is true. But it does take time, and there will be setbacks. But it's all part of the process of moving forward.

You said that you fully expected to marry this man, but think of it this way: If he broke up with you, then he cannot have been the right guy. The right guy would never let you go. The right guy would never hurt you like this. And over New Year!

Take a piece of paper and write down all the things you didn't like about him or things that made you a bit crazy. Even really small things. Then, write down all the reasons he wasn't right for you, such as the above. Read it over, and keep it.

In the meantime, do not contact him. Do. Not. Contact Him. As the months pass, do not contact him. Not on his birthday, not at Christmas, not if you hear that he's broken his leg. The only way to get him fully out of your life and to make room, someday, for someone new, is to divest your life of him completely.

I know that sounds harsh, but I have seen friends keep in touch with exes for years and it held them back. They did themselves no favours. They were always hoping for more, and it never came, and it did nothing for their self-confidence. Each contact brought him back into their minds, and there was always an emotional thread tying them to him still. For years. Bad idea.

The less you can train your mind to think about him, the better. Eventually you will find that you forget about him for small gaps of time, and then you'll find that those gaps lengthen until you find you don't think of him much.

I've learnt a thing or two about acceptance this year. I won't bore you, but I've had seven pieces of really bad news in the last 13 months and all of them are situations which I am powerless to change. By nature I am a rant-and-railer, not an accepter. But 2013 taught me a valuable lesson about acceptance. Feel the pain, and since there's nothing you can do about it, accept the situation. Cry it out. Face it. Accept that all you dreamed of with him will never be. Honestly, the fastest way through this is to feel the pain in its entirety. In time, it will be fully banished, and will not linger if you can truly face the situation for what it is, right now.

If you manage to make progress and then he contacts you in a few weeks or months, reflect on the hard work it takes to get over someone and think about how far you've come. You don't need to have contact with him if he reaches out and you'd rather not go down that road.

Another strategy that I employ when faced with great pain: Distraction. Don't underestimate the power of distraction. This is a great time to spring-clean, have a clear-out, or - in my case - learn about art.

The day will come when you will be very glad this break-up occurred because it will lead you to a man who is right for you, someone you have not yet met. It may not feel like it, but the Wheel of Fortune is beginning to turn in your favour. This break-up has a reason - so that you can meet the man who would never hurt you like this.

Take it easy - I wouldn't push yourself to date again for a while, until you really feel ready, which could be quite a while. Going on a date with someone you have no interest in because you're not really ready to date is depressing and only makes the ex seem better.

Cherish yourself a little - I recommend nutritious food, cosy pyjamas, warm baths and anything soft and cuddly.

I am so sorry you're going through this. There really is no way round it, only through it. Getting over him will be a project, and at first you will go through the motions and feel as if you're faking it, and then after a while you will find that the things you do - such as new activities - no longer feel like hollow distractions, but genuinely interesting.

It will get better, I promise. Here's a cyber-hug.

(((((Burke)))))

 

[momhappy]

So sorry to hear about your break up. They are never easy. Give yourself some time and know that it's okay to be sad for a while (as long as it's within a "norma" range of sadness). Don't allow yourself to become overwhelmed with sadness or you risk depression. I suggest trying to keep yourself busy - I know that you said that you don't do much or that you don't have many friends. Now might be a good time to pursue a hobby, a sport, etc. Maybe take some classes, join a gym, etc., which will not only keep you busy, but it's also a great way to meet new people.

 

[innerkitten]

I've been there. It actually does feel like your heart is literally breaking. It is true that time heals all wounds and you are going to be okay. But right now it's probably hard to imagine that because you're right in the middle of it.

I agree that seeing a counselor is a good idea. Or talking to a sibling or a parent or an old friend even if it's just on the phone. You probably need some support.

Also now might be a good time to start something like a class, try new type of exercise, or take a mini vacation. Something that makes you feel good and takes your mind off things.

 

[Laila619]

I'm so sorry. Break ups are just horrible. Big hugs.

In time, you will be able to move on and find someone even better suited to you.

 

[SignedMe]

Burke, I'm so sorry to hear that you're hurting. Losing a relationship is always hard, and unfortunately there is no way get past pain other than simply going through it. But, it's not all bad. There are silver linings. You have now freed yourself to find the one...the right one, the one you will spend your life with and the one who will treat you as you deserve to be treated. That's certainly worth celebrating, if nothing else.

Like others have said, find ways to assimilate yourself into life. Do you have hobbies? Interests? Now is the *perfect* time to explore them. Take a trip, join a book club, google singles outings in your area that focus more on "self" or "friendship" than on "relationships" -- these clubs exist. Instead of looking at the "empty" time you have, figure out how to fill that up. These are things within your control, things you can proactively do, things you can feel excited about looking forward to. Yes, you're going to have to get outside your comfort zone, but that's okay -- maybe it's time for that?

What he did sucks, but it only can hurt you until you say "You know what? This is okay, I'll be fine."

 

[AprilBaby]

(((Hugs)))

 

[Burke]

Thanks everyone for the hugs and support, it really does help Some of my coworkers invited me to go out tonight, so I did take the opportunity to get out of the house and try to enjoy myself. I am trying to figure out what to do, and trying to remain with no contact. Although even if I contact him, I'm sure not to hear anything back, as things got particularly unpleasant during our last conversation. He had another woman that he had been flirting with via text message, but he was mad at me when I confronted him about what I had found, and it just escalated from there unfortunately. He believes that it is okay to get women's numbers and flirt with them over the phone, regardless of whether we are in a committed relationship or not. He said that only his wife gets the courtesy of him not flirting with other women, and we aren't married. This is unacceptable to me, and therefore we decided to go our separate ways. But he has this way of making me feel bad, like it really was my fault, and I should have just been quiet about what I found so I wouldn't be hurting like I am right now. I'm just so sad and confused, but I know that time is the only thing that can help that. Thank you all so much for being so supportive, I have such respect for the advice that you all give and appreciate every single one of you for listening to me

 

[Gypsy]

No advice, just lots of hugs. I'm sorry Burke.

 

[rubyshoes]

Really sorry to hear about this, Burke. But I believe all things happen for a reason. Keep the faith, you will find love again and it will be the lasting kind. It will happen.

 

[luv2sparkle]

i am so sorry you are going through all this pain. ((((Hugs))))

 

[braga123]

So sorry you are going through this. I have been there. IT GETS BETTER! Take the time to explore your interests, to meet new people, and one fine day...

 

[monarch64]

If he has a way of making you feel like any of this was your fault? Bullet dodged.

This guy was sooooo not worth your time. Back to being Burke in 5, 4, 3, 2, now.

 

[urseberry]

But he has this way of making me feel bad, like it really was my fault, and I should have just been quiet about what I found so I wouldn't be hurting like I am right now.

It is not your fault. Your feelings are valid.

Hugs. It will get better soon.

 

[movie zombie]

yes, you dodged a bullet.
yes, it hurts.
lots.

having said that, well, I found keeping busy and getting to know me was what helped in the long run.
having some place to be and interact with.

I love the idea above re packing everything up and taking an assignment far away!

 

[Andelain]

But he has this way of making me feel bad, like it really was my fault, and I should have just been quiet about what I found so I wouldn't be hurting like I am right now.

It is not your fault. Your feelings are valid.

Hugs. It will get better soon.

This right here. He didn't have enough respect for you, you're better off now. Like the others have said, it's OK to hurt and cry right now. When you're ready, you'll find happiness again. I hope that time is soon for you. Hugs and dust from here.

 

[missy]

Hi Burke, I am so sorry you are going through this heartache and pain but I agree with the others here in that it wasn't meant to be. A man who thinks it is OK to flirt with other women (because you're not married ugh) is not a good partner for you to go through life's ups and downs. Believe me, if he thinks it is OK to flirt now just wait till marriage. Sure to get worse. Respect is an integral ingredient for a good relationship and if that's not there nothing that matters is.

I am a big believer in what is meant to be and your soulmate is still out there. Take time (as much time as you need) to mourn the loss of what you thought you had with this man so you can heal and move on. That day will come and just when you feel happy, comfortable and secure in being on your own love will find you. Sending big hugs and comfort your way and hoping that your pain is short lived but in any case I know you will come through this in better shape than you were before this awful experience.

 

[Smith1942]

Hi Burke, I am so sorry you are going through this heartache and pain but I agree with the others here in that it wasn't meant to be. A man who thinks it is OK to flirt with other women (because you're not married ugh) is not a good partner for you to go through life's ups and downs. Believe me, if he thinks it is OK to flirt now just wait till marriage. Sure to get worse. Respect is an integral ingredient for a good relationship and if that's not there nothing that matters is.

I am a big believer in what is meant to be and your soulmate is still out there. Take time (as much time as you need) to mourn the loss of what you thought you had with this man so you can heal and move on. That day will come and just when you feel happy, comfortable and secure in being on your own love will find you. Sending big hugs and comfort your way and hoping that your pain is short lived but in any case I know you will come through this in better shape than you were before this awful experience.

I could not agree more. Read those lines over and over, and pity his poor future wife.

Only his wife gets the "courtesy" of him not flirting with other women? What planet is he on? And who talks like that??

If he flirts now, a trip up the aisle will change absolutely nothing. He just said that because you caught him out and he had to justify himself in the moment.

L.U.C.K.Y. E.S.C.A.P.E.

 

[Mayk]

With every setback we can grow. Like others have said you very likely dodged a bullet. Be good to yourself, give yourself time to heal. Heartache can be all consuming. Counseling is never a bad idea. I'm so sorry for your pain... Hugs!!

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

If you can pick up some extra shifts, do it. Your work will be productive in many ways--getting your mind off the day to day uneasiness you feel, and more $$ for you to take a nice vacation since you earned and deserve it.

take care--Sharon

 

[MissGotRocks]

Burke I am sorry for your pain but being alone is not the worst thing that can be. Being with someone and being miserable can be worse than that. I too am thinking that you might have just dodged a big mistake. Hang in there, keep busy and the sun will shine again for you. I know it seems really impossible now but it will. Nothing - happiness, loneliness, sorrow - ever last forever. Life is an ever changing slate and you will be so much better able to appreciate the good relationship that you'll find because you've known such misery now. Sounds crazy but it is true - it's the bad times that make us so appreciate the good!

 

[VRBeauty]

Ditto what everyone else has said. This man is not worthy of you! And I trust that you know, deep inside, that you did indeed "dodge a bullet," - that his disrespectful behavior would not have magically disappeared when you got married. You deserve so much better than him! If there's any part of you that still thinks that he might still change and become a good life partner, I think Smith's advice is spot-on: "Take a piece of paper and write down all the things you didn't like about him or things that made you a bit crazy. Even really small things. Then, write down all the reasons he wasn't right for you, such as the above. Read it over, and keep it." And picture what your married life would have been like if you had married him and he did not change this behavior. Because - trust us when we say that someone who really cares for and respects his girlfriend would never insist that it's OK to check out other candidates and flirt with other women. What Missy wrote is spot-on. Print out that first paragraph and re-read it any time you start longing with this guy.