Get divorced or not?! I'm in love with another man!

[kenny]

Age of new man is not related to my advice to, "Leave them both and heal thyself."

There is good reason males, and females, closer to peak breading age are widely considered more sexually desirable ... but that has nothing to do with the elephant in so_confused's living room.

 

[wetsawblade]

I've been registered here since 2012 & have never figured out which of the many threads would b my first reply, though there were hundreds that tempted me.

So this is mine:

Enjoy your new experience, but with all respect to you, please make sure you put your finances first and foremost. It takes work, but very important moving ahead.

Best wishes.

 

[Gypsy]

I
Enjoy your new experience, but with all respect to you, please make sure you put your finances first and foremost. It takes work, but very important moving ahead.

Fantastic advice.

And welcome wetsawblade!

 

[so_confused]

Thank you, everyone, for offering your advice & opinions. I'm thankful to you all.

All of your advice has given me a lot of clarity into what I need to do to move forward. I've tried therapy but it hasn't helped at all. My best way to move forward is to sort out my finances and get the divorce papers sorted out. I don't need his agreement but for various reasons, it's best that he agrees. If he doesn't, then I'll still do it.

As for the younger man, many of you are right. He's the catalyst for my getting out of this mess of a marriage. Whether or not it works with him, who knows?! I need to do this for ME, for my self-respect. I need to move on and start a new life afresh.

Thank you thank you.

 

[Gypsy]

Listen, I don't know what your experiences with therapy have been, but take the fact that it hasn't worked up till now with a grain of salt.

I had been to several therapists before I found the right one-- it was a mix of personalities clicking, making sure they were CBT trained (this is important), and ME being truly ready to hear the feedback and change.

The last one is key. You have to have an open heart and mind and willingness to really work on yourself and face hard facts, or else you are right... therapy is a waste of time.

When and if you are ready, give it another shot. You may be surprised.

 

[Gem Queen]

Ok. Here I go. When you were fully committed to your marriage, did your husband have a reason to go to a Hooker? My word. Dig deep for the answer. You know men only need a few things to keep them content, and sex is, by far, the most important.
Unless he's a sex addict or into smbd or kink, then why would he go to a hooker. What state do you live in?
I work as a court reporter in a family law courtroom. Ive been in family law for almost 20 years. I do prefer it. I've seen it All. You can't make this stuff up.
I can offer you some guidance regarding financial issues and a few other things.
Also, use the new "young" man as a stepping stone. My girlfriend dated one of the judges for quite a while. He was older than her. At first she thought it was awesome to be dating an older man, especially someone who was held such high esteem. After a while, she noticed thing and circumstances that just didn't happen to younger men, and it was a turnoff. They ended up breaking up and he eventually married someone that we knew that as much younger than even her. It did bother her. But I told her, hey, look. At least you're not the one that will have to change his a diapers. Lol. Kind of gross, right? Something to think about. Men aren't usually in for the long haul and can't always handle life. Any sign of sickness or menopause, they are looking for something younger. I don't say that about all of them, I am very fortunate, but like I've said, I've seen it all, for example, the lady or ladies that have had viginal rejuvenation because their husband was cheating on them. Crazy huh!
Be like the lady on Eat, Pray, Love, and if you have the finances, take off and find yourself. Good luck!

 

[Gypsy]

Ok. Here I go. When you were fully committed to your marriage, did your husband have a reason to go to a Hooker? My word. Dig deep for the answer. You know men only need a few things to keep them content, and sex is, by far, the most important.
Unless he's a sex addict or into smbd or kink, then why would he go to a hooker.

Okay so, it was her fault he went to hookers? Because she didn't put out enough. Because it's a man's sexuality is his wife's responsibility?

Men aren't usually in for the long haul and can't always handle life. Any sign of sickness or menopause, they are looking for something younger.

And... men will be men? We can't expect better from them? Instead we perpetuate the myth's of patriarchy that they can't be responsible for their dicks? That they are somehow not made for fidelity? That they not made for commitment? And that just excuses them?

So what? We need to lower our expectations of men? Cause WE are the problem? With our pesky expectations of fidelity?


The patriarchy makes a lot of excuses for men. We make lots of excuses for men as a society. I refuse to buy into it.

A women, in or out of marriage is not OBLIGATED to have sex with ANYONE, including her husband. That is her CHOICE.

And If a man is UNHAPPY with his marital sex life he is not ENTITLED by virtue of his penis to CHEAT.

He is entitled to DISCUSS it with his wife. Find out how to FIX IT. Or if it can't be fixed, or she doesn't want to have sex anymore for whatever reason, he is entitled to LEAVE the marriage, if he is unhappy with it. He is entitled to get a divorce. A woman is NOT responsible for a man's choice to cheat. Even if she totally withholds sex forever. With a coworker, with a hooker, or with a hole in the wall.

ONLY the person who is responsible for the cheating made that choice to step outside the relationship.

You know what the problem with men is? Mindset's like the above. Until we change our mindset as a SOCIETY and reject the 'men will be men' excuses then men have NO REASON to do better. And they can.

 

[Tekate]

Leave them BOTH and heal thyself.

+1

seriously.

 

[NTave]

I believe you are too close to the situation to think clearly. Romantic picture can feel much different if you are struggling, I hope you first figure out your finances prior to leaving. Divorce is sad, I don't wish it upon anyone, but if you feel the same as you did 6 years ago then that may be a good decision: but mr new man is not your answer.

 

[momhappy]

Thank you, everyone, for offering your advice & opinions. I'm thankful to you all.

All of your advice has given me a lot of clarity into what I need to do to move forward. I've tried therapy but it hasn't helped at all. My best way to move forward is to sort out my finances and get the divorce papers sorted out. I don't need his agreement but for various reasons, it's best that he agrees. If he doesn't, then I'll still do it.

As for the younger man, many of you are right. He's the catalyst for my getting out of this mess of a marriage. Whether or not it works with him, who knows?! I need to do this for ME, for my self-respect. I need to move on and start a new life afresh.

Thank you thank you.

I wish you the best and I hope that it all works out for you - one way or another. You sound like you know what you need to do and I'm glad to hear that you're looking out for yourself too.

 

[gregchang35]

you have had great advice....resolve one r/ship before moving toward another. there may be a period of being alone which could be helpful in rediscovering yourself.

 

[lulu]

Ok. Here I go. When you were fully committed to your marriage, did your husband have a reason to go to a Hooker? My word. Dig deep for the answer. You know men only need a few things to keep them content, and sex is, by far, the most important.
Unless he's a sex addict or into smbd or kink, then why would he go to a hooker. What state do you live in?
I work as a court reporter in a family law courtroom. Ive been in family law for almost 20 years. I do prefer it. I've seen it All. You can't make this stuff up.
I can offer you some guidance regarding financial issues and a few other things.
Also, use the new "young" man as a stepping stone. My girlfriend dated one of the judges for quite a while. He was older than her. At first she thought it was awesome to be dating an older man, especially someone who was held such high esteem. After a while, she noticed thing and circumstances that just didn't happen to younger men, and it was a turnoff. They ended up breaking up and he eventually married someone that we knew that as much younger than even her. It did bother her. But I told her, hey, look. At least you're not the one that will have to change his a diapers. Lol. Kind of gross, right? Something to think about. Men aren't usually in for the long haul and can't always handle life. Any sign of sickness or menopause, they are looking for something younger. I don't say that about all of them, I am very fortunate, but like I've said, I've seen it all, for example, the lady or ladies that have had viginal rejuvenation because their husband was cheating on them. Crazy huh!
Be like the lady on Eat, Pray, Love, and if you have the finances, take off and find yourself. Good luck!

Wow! I practiced family law for over 30 years and never came to any of these conclusions Just out of curiosity what state are you in?

 

[Gem Queen]

Gypsy, you're totally right about what you say. I'm not saying that he has the right to cheat. I don't believe in that stuff.
I wonder if they had the conversation about each other's expectations. Sex plays such an important role in many marriages, especially in a man's mind. I have talked to a lot of men on this issue. They are, for the most part, very single minded. Having compatibility in that arena is a tricky thing. I don't know about this obligation thing, whether to have sex with their spouse or not.
I just know what I see and hear. I'm sure there is a third side to this story.

 

[Gem Queen]

LuLu. I'm in Orange County California. Where are you?

 

[lulu]

Gypsy, you're totally right about what you say. I'm not saying that he has the right to cheat. I don't believe in that stuff.
I wonder if they had the conversation about each other's expectations. Sex plays such an important role in many marriages, especially in a man's mind. I have talked to a lot of men on this issue. They are, for the most part, very single minded. Having compatibility in that arena is a tricky thing. I don't know about this obligation thing, whether to have sex with their spouse or not.
I just know what I see and hear. I'm sure there is a third side to this story.[/quot

I'm in Florida but I practiced in Michigan.

 

[so_confused]

Gem Queen, I was hesitant about responding to you. But, I'd really like to know what the problem was. The sex was great, or so I thought. There were many years when he had sex with me on a regular basis, whilst frequenting prostitutes. As mentioned in my opening post, I'd long suspected but didn't have proof, thought maybe I was paranoid. There was no real reason for him to go to prostitutes. For the longest time after the discovery, I thought maybe he was a sex addict. He was into a lot of pornography. But, let's face it, many men are too. I even joined a support group and read up a ton of literature. However, I do NOT think that he's a sex addict. And these days, I don't think he goes to them anymore. I don't actually know what he does for sex now and frankly, I don't care!

He said that b/c of our arguments (during which I said, in anger, that I didn't love him, which wasn't true), he felt hurt and insecure. Hence, the reason for seeking comfort outside of our marriage. I know this is BS!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I agree it is important to try a few different therapists before you assume therapy would not help you. However, I do disagree CBT is the be all and end all. There are dozens of different therapy styles and it is not one size fits all. I suggest you think ultimately how you think people change. If it is by their thoughts, then sure, CBT would make sense. Many people feel they must change their feelings or actions first. Personally I consider myself integrated. I use a variety of techniques (CBT being one) but ultimately am client centered. I also use quote a bit of motivational interviewing and solution focused. I encourage my patients to interview a prospective therapist. Comfort, in my opinion, has to be there. They could be highly skilled but if you do not trust the therapist, not much will happen. I am a huge believer in what I call, "right words, wrong mouth." Sometimes I get to be the right mouth. Sometimes I am not.

Divorce is difficult. Even in the most "black and white" circumstances. It is very much like a death. The dreams you had won't happen and that has to be grieved. Some people take longer than other people. People also show their true colors in a divorce so I understand the desire for it to be civil. Take care of yourself emotionally, physically, and financially. And remember, all decisions are made with incomplete information. You can do this. You deserve more.

 

[Gem Queen]

It sounds like you did everything right in trying to figure it out. Playing the insecure card is cowardly and he probably believed you would swallow his bullshit to make you feel that you were to blame. Life is way too short to be miserable. Not that it was my business, but I'm really glad you explained. I would totally back YOU! That's a form of mental abuse.

 

[Gem Queen]

One more thing he probably doesn't go to prostitutes any more because the excitement of getting away with it doesn't matter any more. It's not taboo in the sense that he's married and shouldn't be doing it. My cousin's husband was totally into ****. He would lock himself in his office and watch it. he wouldn't touch her. The ended up divorcing.

 

[wetsawblade]

I
Enjoy your new experience, but with all respect to you, please make sure you put your finances first and foremost. It takes work, but very important moving ahead.

Fantastic advice.

And welcome wetsawblade!

Thanks! I've long admired your wisdom and diamond expertise.

 

[monarch64]

I've been registered here since 2012 & have never figured out which of the many threads would b my first reply, though there were hundreds that tempted me.

So this is mine:

Enjoy your new experience, but with all respect to you, please make sure you put your finances first and foremost. It takes work, but very important moving ahead.

Best wishes.

This is really sound advice. Even though I was warned to do this before I divorced, I didn't, and paid the price for it even though the marriage I left was short. It sucked. Definitely have your ducks in a row financially if at all possible, OP. Unless there is immediate danger to your person, make a plan and stick to it, and seek legal counsel. There are resources for parties such as yourself that are free and easily accessible.

I hate to say this, but as time has gone by here on PS there have been marriages that have failed. I sometimes wonder why there isn't a divorce help thread somewhere on PS. Sometimes people post in Hangout about their situations, but apparently the stigma is strong here (and understandably so) and this can be a difficult place to gain insight and knowledge on how to go about things when one is contemplating, going through, or has divorced. Perhaps in the future we can have a subforum on the topic? It's a reality that a percentage of us have or will face at some point, and it would be nice to have the support of familiar posters if that event arises.

 

[Gypsy]

I agree it is important to try a few different therapists before you assume therapy would not help you. However, I do disagree CBT is the be all and end all. There are dozens of different therapy styles and it is not one size fits all. I suggest you think ultimately how you think people change. If it is by their thoughts, then sure, CBT would make sense. Many people feel they must change their feelings or actions first. Personally I consider myself integrated. I use a variety of techniques (CBT being one) but ultimately am client centered. I also use quote a bit of motivational interviewing and solution focused. I encourage my patients to interview a prospective therapist. Comfort, in my opinion, has to be there. They could be highly skilled but if you do not trust the therapist, not much will happen. I am a huge believer in what I call, "right words, wrong mouth." Sometimes I get to be the right mouth. Sometimes I am not.

Divo

Tacori, my therapist is integrated and client centered as well. CBT is a tool in her belt, and one that I specifically requested she use, but she uses whatever techniques work for the patients she has. Narrative is another that she uses with me, with success.

What I specifically DID not want was someone who would quietly listen to me talk, say "how do you feel about that" or "hmm" a couple times then charge me a 100 bucks. I had two therapists like that. Complete waste of time. I wanted someone who would challenge me, who would make me think and rethink things I had believed about myself, my family and my world. I wanted a partner in getting healthy. And it was darned hard to time.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I agree it is important to try a few different therapists before you assume therapy would not help you. However, I do disagree CBT is the be all and end all. There are dozens of different therapy styles and it is not one size fits all. I suggest you think ultimately how you think people change. If it is by their thoughts, then sure, CBT would make sense. Many people feel they must change their feelings or actions first. Personally I consider myself integrated. I use a variety of techniques (CBT being one) but ultimately am client centered. I also use quote a bit of motivational interviewing and solution focused. I encourage my patients to interview a prospective therapist. Comfort, in my opinion, has to be there. They could be highly skilled but if you do not trust the therapist, not much will happen. I am a huge believer in what I call, "right words, wrong mouth." Sometimes I get to be the right mouth. Sometimes I am not.

Divo

Tacori, my therapist is integrated and client centered as well. CBT is a tool in her belt, and one that I specifically requested she use, but she uses whatever techniques work for the patients she has. Narrative is another that she uses with me, with success.

What I specifically DID not want was someone who would quietly listen to me talk, say "how do you feel about that" or "hmm" a couple times then charge me a 100 bucks. I had two therapists like that. Complete waste of time. I wanted someone who would challenge me, who would make me think and rethink things I had believed about myself, my family and my world. I wanted a partner in getting healthy. And it was darned hard to time.

I understand and am glad you found a good fit. Not everyone responds well to CBT so that was my point. There are many theories that don't include, "how does that make you feel?" Over and over again.