Just stopping by as I have a few minutes while my patient showers. I will be more free after Thursday when my guest goes home. Missy, I know I haven't replied to you on my other thread and I'm sorry - I'm just so busy right now, tired from night duties too. Thank you for your advice, though.
Have you ever hit a life stage where many of your closest friends start having horrendous problems? I mean, as in their lives - which previously seemed completely manageable - turn into total train wrecks?
As you might know, I've had my own challenges over the past few years involving a lot of family illnesses, caregiving, resultant career issues, etc. Things are actually getting easier for me now but it's hard to relax and enjoy it because, suddenly, these friends' lives seem to have fallen apart, and of course they love to lay it all on my shoulders.
When I say problems, I'm talking really serious stuff - cancer, multiple bereavements, divorce, domestic violence. One friend, age 49, had cancer three years ago and in the last two years her mother, father, and sister have all died. Her parents were 77 and 81, but her sister was only 43. She lost all three of them in a two-year period, and obviously has worries about her own cancer returning because her sister died young of the same cancer.
Another friend, aged 50, lost her father, then her husband lost his father, and now her husband has had an affair and they are probably getting divorced. All within a year. And she loves to tell me how she has no money, too.
A third friend, 38, her husband is verbally and physically abusive but she feels trapped with a huge mortgage and two small kids. You know - your average nightmare when you're young about how your life might turn out. This friend is also my cousin and I had a recent thread on it.
I honestly feel I'm running out of sympathy from tragic-event overload. My cousin knew full well what she was getting into with that horrible man but married him and had his children anyway. The friend who's getting divorced, she and her husband have had professional salaries for twenty-five years and no kids, and yet they still rent, and she is always going on about how she doesn't have a penny to her name. That's despite a joint income which must be at least $160k and probably pushing $200k. The friend with cancer and the multiple bereavements - well, none of that is her fault and she's probably the least depressing of the three, but she is definitely vulnerable, cries a lot when I see her, etc.
I have had some work success recently (before this intense bout of caregiving, which will get easier). Also, some of the worst events of the last few years have started to recede in my mind. I've actually started feeling lighter and happier. However, my friends' problems threaten to ruin it, because they're so depressing, and even if I manage to put their problems aside, it leaves me with three less people to have fun with!
Any advice on how to handle this life stage? I'm thinking it's a case of mind over matter and I'll just have to close a mental door on their troubles, and it's either that or suffer alongside them when I've suffered enough of my own troubles in the last few years. For example, I looked after a mentally ill family member in my home for six and a half years 2007 - 2013 (I was still working outside the home) and that really was horrendous. I wouldn't have done it had I known what it would be like. He stabilized but it took six and a half years. He doesn't live with me any longer as he's all better now. Then some family members died and became ill, and - well anyway, things are better now, with the deaths further in the past, and a new life beckons, but now everyone around me has fallen apart! I guess I'll just have to insulate myself from their troubles and find some happier people to hang out with, but WWYD? (What would you do?)
By the way, I have never, ever laid my worst times on others' shoulders the way these three do to me. During my worst times, I have curled up at home and said very little to friends. That's because it's been glaringly obvious to me that friends are not equipped to handle such serious things. I do believe that problems of this magnitude are a job for family members and mental health professionals. It's not that I'm unsympathetic to their plights, but I feel it's completely unfair to expect a friend to handle problems like this. It probably sounds awful, but I find the lives of these three so depressing that I probably wouldn't mind not seeing much of them from now on. Leaves me with a bit of a friend-gap, though.
When I say "laying it on my shoulders" I mean that I'll be having a perfectly nice day and then I'll get an utterly desperate text message from one saying she has no money and nowhere to go and she's so terrified, etc. This is the one with the large joint income of 25 years. Example: I was having a fantastic day last week because I at last had some work success. I was so happy. Then I got this depressing text message from her all about her marriage breaking up and that she was terrified, etc. Good days have been thin on the ground for me, for quite some time, and she managed to ruin that one with a series of desperate text messages. That's how it happens. The other two sent me desperate emails, one when she knew full well I was in Puerto Rico for a mere three days, attempting to have some fun for a change.
How would you handle all these desperate messages? Of course, I don't always respond, but just reading them is enough to bring me down.
Have you ever hit a life stage where many of your closest friends start having horrendous problems? I mean, as in their lives - which previously seemed completely manageable - turn into total train wrecks?
As you might know, I've had my own challenges over the past few years involving a lot of family illnesses, caregiving, resultant career issues, etc. Things are actually getting easier for me now but it's hard to relax and enjoy it because, suddenly, these friends' lives seem to have fallen apart, and of course they love to lay it all on my shoulders.
When I say problems, I'm talking really serious stuff - cancer, multiple bereavements, divorce, domestic violence. One friend, age 49, had cancer three years ago and in the last two years her mother, father, and sister have all died. Her parents were 77 and 81, but her sister was only 43. She lost all three of them in a two-year period, and obviously has worries about her own cancer returning because her sister died young of the same cancer.
Another friend, aged 50, lost her father, then her husband lost his father, and now her husband has had an affair and they are probably getting divorced. All within a year. And she loves to tell me how she has no money, too.
A third friend, 38, her husband is verbally and physically abusive but she feels trapped with a huge mortgage and two small kids. You know - your average nightmare when you're young about how your life might turn out. This friend is also my cousin and I had a recent thread on it.
I honestly feel I'm running out of sympathy from tragic-event overload. My cousin knew full well what she was getting into with that horrible man but married him and had his children anyway. The friend who's getting divorced, she and her husband have had professional salaries for twenty-five years and no kids, and yet they still rent, and she is always going on about how she doesn't have a penny to her name. That's despite a joint income which must be at least $160k and probably pushing $200k. The friend with cancer and the multiple bereavements - well, none of that is her fault and she's probably the least depressing of the three, but she is definitely vulnerable, cries a lot when I see her, etc.
I have had some work success recently (before this intense bout of caregiving, which will get easier). Also, some of the worst events of the last few years have started to recede in my mind. I've actually started feeling lighter and happier. However, my friends' problems threaten to ruin it, because they're so depressing, and even if I manage to put their problems aside, it leaves me with three less people to have fun with!
Any advice on how to handle this life stage? I'm thinking it's a case of mind over matter and I'll just have to close a mental door on their troubles, and it's either that or suffer alongside them when I've suffered enough of my own troubles in the last few years. For example, I looked after a mentally ill family member in my home for six and a half years 2007 - 2013 (I was still working outside the home) and that really was horrendous. I wouldn't have done it had I known what it would be like. He stabilized but it took six and a half years. He doesn't live with me any longer as he's all better now. Then some family members died and became ill, and - well anyway, things are better now, with the deaths further in the past, and a new life beckons, but now everyone around me has fallen apart! I guess I'll just have to insulate myself from their troubles and find some happier people to hang out with, but WWYD? (What would you do?)
By the way, I have never, ever laid my worst times on others' shoulders the way these three do to me. During my worst times, I have curled up at home and said very little to friends. That's because it's been glaringly obvious to me that friends are not equipped to handle such serious things. I do believe that problems of this magnitude are a job for family members and mental health professionals. It's not that I'm unsympathetic to their plights, but I feel it's completely unfair to expect a friend to handle problems like this. It probably sounds awful, but I find the lives of these three so depressing that I probably wouldn't mind not seeing much of them from now on. Leaves me with a bit of a friend-gap, though.
When I say "laying it on my shoulders" I mean that I'll be having a perfectly nice day and then I'll get an utterly desperate text message from one saying she has no money and nowhere to go and she's so terrified, etc. This is the one with the large joint income of 25 years. Example: I was having a fantastic day last week because I at last had some work success. I was so happy. Then I got this depressing text message from her all about her marriage breaking up and that she was terrified, etc. Good days have been thin on the ground for me, for quite some time, and she managed to ruin that one with a series of desperate text messages. That's how it happens. The other two sent me desperate emails, one when she knew full well I was in Puerto Rico for a mere three days, attempting to have some fun for a change.
How would you handle all these desperate messages? Of course, I don't always respond, but just reading them is enough to bring me down.
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