Family Member Driving me Nuts!

[Sky56]

There are a few difficult people in my family and I understand the challenges of being around people who can make rude remarks.

It used to get under my skin more in the past; what helped me was the realization that it's their problem, not mine, and finding out later that many other people have noticed those same deficiencies. Walking away, minimizing contact, or making a short firm comment to the person has helped. "I do not allow people to disrespect me," or, "It hurts me when you talk to me like that." The person always has gotten a shocked look on their face....shuts up, and doesn't say it ever again. Though I admit I am more often the silent one who walks away, deciding that the person will in the future be barely allowed the privilege of my presence. Good results have happened...with minimized contact and later unforseen family events, better relationships have occurred and some of the offenders actually matured and began behaving more respectfully.

 

[anne_h]

I thought kenny made some interesting points.

I personally believe we are all responsible for our own happiness. I know this is sometimes easier said than done.

Anne

 

[Jambalaya]

Thank you for your advice, one and all. I do appreciate it xxx

 

[D_]

I like Kenny's way of thinking, though I have to say it actually can be quite hard to be out into practice at first (I'm still trying too!).
Certain culture/upbringing puts duty before self.

I also notice that when some people complaint (not necessarily Jambalaya, I don't know her well enough to know one way or another) they are seeking for support, affirmation etc. rather than solution. When people give them possible solutions they'll nod, say thank you etc. with no intention of ever trying it out because why would they? When the problem disappears, so will all the reasons to complaint, well wishes, hugs etc. And the problem will just take another face/shape at another time. To some people who have to hear this it can be very tiring. But fortunately for each person that finally gets sick off the complaining and drift away, there are 2-3 other people who stick around because, well, "that's what friends are for", right?

 

[Jambalaya]

Oh, another annoying and depressing sideswipe from Uncle on the phone just now. I ended the call immediately.

I keep telling myself, he's old and cranky and alone, and is a dyed-in-the-wool Conservative who thinks that people who don't have children are going against God and all that, hence we are never going to truly get along. Repeat to self: Don't let him get to you, don't let him get to you, don't let him get to you.....

He doesn't seem to like me very much as an adult. He seems to have such problems with the fact I'm overweight and haven't had children. I'm not even sure why he wants to spend Christmas with me. Probably just doesn't want to be alone.

Anyway, I mustn't let him get to me. It doesn't matter what he says. I have my own very private reasons for being overweight and not having children, none of which he is privy to, of course.

 

[KaeKae]

Jambalaya,
Forgive me if you've already covered this. Based on what you have told us about this man, I am assuming that he has children? Where are they in all of this?
KK

 

[Jambalaya]

Thanks, KaeKae. He has one adult child who sees him as little as possible. (And one other who is NC, no contact). That first child has his three grandchildren, who he doesn't see that much, although their parents are happy to use him as babysitting occasionally, about three times a year. These things are all further reasons why I've felt sorry for him. Anyway, we kind of pass him round the family. No one really wants him, which is largely a result of his personality. Interestingly, his adult child is as unpleasant as him. They're like two peas in a pod and they can't stand each other because they're so similar. They never did get on, even when she was a child.

I feel better now. I've realized that I'm completely done with him, and I have reminded myself that he has an abusive personality and always has had, and it's actually not personal. This has been a long time in coming. He started being not-so-nice about ten years ago. Of course, like most negative people, he wasn't negative all the time and he has been very kind to me in the past. However, those days are long over, and I'm of the opinion that those kindnesses are firmly in the past. His wife, my aunt, had a beautiful personality and a beautiful soul, and was so, so lovely to me when I was growing up, and continued to be so all my life until she died.

But anyway, it helps to remember that he is just a verbally abusive person and he will verbally abuse anyone, and if there is nothing to abuse he will just make something up. It's all on him. I'm done with him except the odd duty. I'm going to call him much less. It's a pity he has to be such a sh*t, but there it is. He was always the same.

And his punishment, you know, is that most of his life he's been grumpy and unhappy no matter how well things are going for him, and it's the same with his adult child. They are two of the most miserable people you'll ever meet, despite having been very blessed throughout their lives with excellent health and loving partners and career satisfaction. Yet when you look at family albums, down the years the two of them are staring completely unsmiling at the camera as if they're looking at a loaded gun. Then I have other family members who are sunny and happy, and they get SO much more out of life. I think of Uncle and Cousin, and how miserable and abusive they are, and I just thank my lucky stars that I don't have their temperaments. I am much sunnier than them - I know I've been a bit down on PS occasionally (someone said I was whining and someone else said she rolled her eyes at the sight of this thread) but it's only because I've had those tough few years that middle-aged people have when older family dies, and my family passings have come close together. When my parents were alive, they were a great buffer between Uncle and the younger generation.

I don't miss my parents and sibling quite as horribly as I did. The pain has eased.

 

[december-fire]

Jambalaya,

I thought you might like this quote.

“An entire sea of water can’t sink a ship unless it gets inside the ship. Similarly, the negativity of the world can’t put you down unless you allow it to get inside you.”
~Unknown

 

[Jambalaya]

Thanks, december-fire, that's really sweet of you. I like that saying a lot.

 

[Sky56]

I like the saying, too. People often reap what they sow. The unhappy, nasty elder often ends up alone, his family shunning him.
My mother and mother-in-law were warm, great people and when they were ill or old, family rallied around them to help.

 

[Jambalaya]

Yes, and I've always thought that he was very lucky his very easygoing wife stayed with him. Interestingly, his adult child who is unpleasant like him also has an extremely nice, extremely easygoing spouse, as did his domineering, controlling mother. These bullies sure know how to pick 'em.

If anything happened to me, Uncle would certainly be significantly more alone, since I have pesky ideas about charity, empathy etc that don't afflict certain other family members!