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Eeek! Gave my DH the cold sore virus, he's super upset!

LaraOnline

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Sorry if this is way TMI.

My hubby and I have been together for eleven and a half years, and I just transmitted the virus (by absolute mistake obviously!!) about a week ago.

We were just finishing up our 10 year wedding anniversary weekend and while I was scrupulous about avoiding contact - once I knew it was there - I didn't make a massive deal about it.
However he leaned in for a kiss - I ducked - he got me fair on the damn thing!
Unfortunately right when I was highly contagious.
God it's a horrible disease. I caught it from my own mother as a toddler. She suffers from them very badly.
Anyway two days later it's clear he's caught it and he is really p****ed!
We're going into day five now and the whining is getting more intense, not less.
Do I send him flowers? What do I do with this?
He's carrying on like I deliberately infected him with AIDS.
I'm not sure how to make it up to him.
 

missy

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Have him start taking Lysine at least 1000 mg twice a day. That might help a quick resolution.

And tell him to stop acting like a baby. It wasn't done on purpose and it was his actions anyway as he leaned in to kiss you after you warned him.
 

OreoRosies86

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I'm sorry but really? I wouldn't be sending flowers, I would tell him to stop making you feel so horrible about something you contracted through no fault of your own and didn't willfully pass along to him either :rolleyes:
 

CJ2008

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Lara it would bother me if he was that upset and trying to make feel guilty :sick: I'd probably start feeling pissed myself...

But if I wanted to be nice, yes, I'd buy some medication or have him go to the dermatologist, they can prescribe something (I forget the name of it), and then I'd tell him to stop. :sick:
 

LaraOnline

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Thanks missy. I've got the lysine tabs out.
It's so embarrassing.
There is a lot of sighing and banging things (eg meds) going on.

I told him - light heartedly - tonight that as a dedicated rugby player who was happy to break teeth, risk a broken nose, rebuilt knees, scarring etc that he was really carrying on quite a lot.
Unfortunately he took exception to my comment. :(sad
Oh well what's done is done. It's so awful.
Add me to the very long list of people desperate for a cure or at least a permanent end to recurrent symptoms of this horrible disgusting disease. :blackeye:
 

marymm

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Well, he should be super upset, right? You clearly are not thrilled with having the virus - your descriptives are entirely negative - however, you have lived with the virus your entire life and thus somewhat accustomed to the knowledge you do indeed have the virus and that the virus will reappear periodically with generally obvious symptoms. Your DH, on the other hand, is brand new to the diagnosis and to experiencing the virus... I would cut him some slack as he slams around and looks daggers at you - your reaction might well have been similar if you'd contracted the virus as an adult rather than a toddler.

Once the info sinks in for your DH and he comes to terms with the reality, I am sure he will remember you yourself were a victim of this highly contagious virus, and that he was not as careful as he should have been. Fault and blame are pointless at this stage, but my guess is he is angry and upset he has the virus, and he is still acting out. If he doesn't come to terms shortly, however, and he was my DH, I might be inclined to slap him upside the head (I am not sure if I mean this metaphorically or literally), and remind him he kissed you and you tried to avoid it... he needs to own up to his own responsibility in contracting the virus and stop blaming you.
 

April20

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I would pour the man a couple fingers of scotch and call it a day. It's not like you did it on purpose!
 

packrat

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hahahaha omg I'm sorry I shouldn't laugh but merciful heavens, I have a hard time w/men who carry on like we're in the throes of Armageddon. I've gotten cold sores for 30 years. I've also had 2 C sections and a few other surgeries. I'd rather have a cold sore. It's not AIDS. Or cancer. Nothing has to be amputated. I know *very* few men who get cold sores at the rate women do, and just b/c you have the virus in your body doesn't mean you're getting one every month, it could be years. Most people who suffer from cold sores go on to lead happy and fulfilling lives.
 

armywife13

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packrat said:
hahahaha omg I'm sorry I shouldn't laugh but merciful heavens, I have a hard time w/men who carry on like we're in the throes of Armageddon. I've gotten cold sores for 30 years. I've also had 2 C sections and a few other surgeries. I'd rather have a cold sore. It's not AIDS. Or cancer. Nothing has to be amputated. I know *very* few men who get cold sores at the rate women do, and just b/c you have the virus in your body doesn't mean you're getting one every month, it could be years. Most people who suffer from cold sores go on to lead happy and fulfilling lives.
I 100% agree, packrat. Well said.
 

RSargent

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I think your DH is probably mad at the situation and does not blame you personally. He will get over it. Just tell him that his strong reaction has been difficult for you. He knew you had the virus before he married you, right? There is always that risk of exposure.
 

monarch64

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RSargent|1390070405|3595546 said:
I think your DH is probably mad at the situation and does not blame you personally. He will get over it. Just tell him that his strong reaction has been difficult for you. He knew you had the virus before he married you, right? There is always that risk of exposure.

I was about to say the same! Sorry he's being a giant baby, Lara. I think even knowing the circumstances, if this happened to me, I would have more than a little self-pity going on if I'm being honest. At least now that you are both carriers you don't have to be so careful and anxious about kissing each other!
 

momhappy

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Um, as married people, you pretty much agree to share just about anything (and unfortunately, that sometimes means things that you may not want to). Your husband sounds like he's being a big baby about it and it's rather insensitive of him to be mad at you over something like that. Personally, if my husband got mad at me over something like that, I'd be upset with him for acting that way - and I certainly wouldn't be thinking of ways to "make it up to him" (like buying him flowers, etc.). For pete's sake, it's not like you've given him the plague.
 

NOYFB

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April20|1390065585|3595501 said:
I would pour the man a couple fingers of scotch and call it a day. It's not like you did it on purpose!


FTW
 

AprilBaby

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Over here you can take valcyclovir at the first hint of an outbreak and kill it before it comes out. Two tablets as soon as you feel symptoms, two tablets 12 hrs later. It has saved me for the last couple of years. Once it's out use denivir cream every two waking hours to kill it faster. After 34 years neither my hubby or my children have it. I got it from my dad. I haven't had actual blisters in years because of the valcyclovir (valtrex)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Valaciclovir
 

LLJsmom

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Tell him he's lucky that he had 10 years without it. I don't know how you were able to monitor it so scrupulously for so long. Well done!! (I'm kinda not kidding!) :wink2:
 

Circe

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I ... don't think there's anything to be made up?

Look, I get cold sores. They suck. Back when I was dating, I would tell guys about it on the second or third date, and we'd go from there. Only one ever cared: most, if anything, were far too laissez-faire about it for my comfort.

When my husband and I got together, he knew I get cold sores, and I knew he got canker sores. So we've both been careful, and so far he hasn't gotten cold sores. A few months ago, though, I got my first canker sore. Wow, those things hurt like a mofo'. My main reaction, I think, was quiet incredulity at how little he'd whined about his ... I certainly didn't blame him for it!

So I just ran the reverse question past him to see how he'd feel if he got cold sores after all this time and he looked at me like I was crazy and said, "Not ... happy? But it wouldn't be like it was anybody's fault ...."

Which I think is basically what it comes down to. HSV is indeed a crappy virus. I hope they find a cure soon. Co-sign me for Valtrex being awesome for prevention, and allow me to recommend Zovirax, a cream, for making them go away in double-time. But if he's trying to make you feel guilty, he needs to knock it off, pronto.
 

SB621

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Well Lara I actually really feel for your husband. My DH (boyfriend at the time) gave me the virus in college. It was horrible. I mean I had cold sore's for months on end and it really depressed me. For someone being 21 and in a brand new relationship it was like a death sentence at the time. It took at least 5 years for it to calm down with me and get to the point of it only happening 1-3 times a year vs. multiple times a month.

So just try to be patient with your DH, it really is very emotionally when it first happens and is quite a shock to realize you will now have it for the rest of your life. I realize he is being dramatic but try to just grin and bare it. Once it settles and it sinks it with him he will be more reasonable about it. I'm sorry!!!!
 

JewelFreak

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I like the couple fingers of whiskey for him. Then tell him he'll live. Nobody ever died from a cold sore. I got the virus in college when I hugged a friend whose mother had died in a fire. The first few years it showed up a few times but I haven't had any outbreaks in about 20 yrs. Tell him -- and it's true -- that high tension & emotional upheavals can make it worse, or even cause a breakout. Calm is what he needs to be, oooommmmmmm.

--- Laurie
 

Circe

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monarch64 said:
Circe, canker sores are not contagious. http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/canker-sore/basics/definition/con-20021262

The best remedy I have ever found is to use alum, a powdered substance that can be found in the spice aisle. It hurts like a sonofab*tch, but sprinkle a little on a canker sore and after the pain stops in about 30 seconds, the thing will be entirely gone.

Huh! I had a doctor tell me they were different strains of HSV, one in the mouth, the other on its periphery. But since I wasn't the one having them, I never googled ... Sonuvabitch! Doubly glad I didn't try to guilt him, then, and thank you for the tip!
 

justginger

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Oh Lara, you're married to a true blue bloke, aren't you? Dying and angry, simultaneously. :roll: :wink2:

In my relationship, it's DH who gets them. He has a small one now - stress of travel brought it on. He usually gets them 1-3 times/year, and I've never had one. Ever. I was pretty careful in the beginning, but now I'm lax. It seems I'm naturally resistant. I would have thought after more than a decade together, with no transmission, your DH would have been, too. Obviously it was only your extreme caution that prevented transmission up until now. He really should be THANKING you...I don't know any other couple who have prevented HSV spread for so long!
 

LaraOnline

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JewelFreak|1390083720|3595726 said:
Tell him -- and it's true -- that high tension & emotional upheavals can make it worse, or even cause a breakout. Calm is what he needs to be, oooommmmmmm.

--- Laurie
Lol. If you knew my husband....

Yeah the fact is it's a horrible, disfiguring and embarrassing blight.
I don't actually blame him for being upset. I'm upset. Wish he was a big more private or philosophical about it, as a courtesy to me.

But as a kind soul has pointed out, I have been as responsible and considerate as possible with regard to personal hygiene for longer than a decade. I haven't spread it to my children either, of course Now I am more concerned than ever.
My guard was possibly a little down due to my excitement and distraction over my anni weekend.

I did even mention at one stage that he knew I had the virus before we married.
He said he thought he was immune.
:???:
I didn't trick anyone. And I happen to think I'm still a special and worthwhile person in spite of it. As is my mother.
Roll on science!! Stigma is cured by science!

Thank you for responding to my thread ladies, you've made me feel 'heard'.
And yes, it is likely he'll have less breakouts than me.
Hope so anyway lol.
 

tammy77

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Millions of people have HSV-1 and unless he's a newborn, it's not going to kill him. :wink2: He married you knowing that you had it and you managed to keep him from getting it for 10 years. Nothing either of you do is going to reverse time, so it's in his best interest to stop taking this so personally. Get a prescription for acyclovir and call it a day.
 

momhappy

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LaraOnline|1390093222|3595829 said:
JewelFreak|1390083720|3595726 said:
Tell him -- and it's true -- that high tension & emotional upheavals can make it worse, or even cause a breakout. Calm is what he needs to be, oooommmmmmm.

--- Laurie
Lol. If you knew my husband....

Yeah the fact is it's a horrible, disfiguring and embarrassing blight.
I don't actually blame him for being upset. I'm upset. Wish he was a big more private or philosophical about it, as a courtesy to me.

But as a kind soul has pointed out, I have been as responsible and considerate as possible with regard to personal hygiene for longer than a decade. I haven't spread it to my children either, of course Now I am more concerned than ever.
My guard was possibly a little down due to my excitement and distraction over my anni weekend.

I did even mention at one stage that he knew I had the virus before we married.
He said he thought he was immune.
:???:
I didn't trick anyone. And I happen to think I'm still a special and worthwhile person in spite of it. As is my mother.
Roll on science!! Stigma is cured by science!

Thank you for responding to my thread ladies, you've made me feel 'heard'.
And yes, it is likely he'll have less breakouts than me.
Hope so anyway lol.

Are the children you mentioned his? Did you carry and give birth to them? If so, I'm pretty sure that you
have made your fair-share of sacrifices all in the sake of marriage/family ;-) It's cold sores, not cancer. Does it suck? Yes, but there are far-worse things in life and you had no malicious intent.
 

canuk-gal

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HI:

It is my understanding that the cure for cold sores is aiding in cooking dinner and family chores. :bigsmile: ;)) I all seriousness, I hope he gets over the CS soon--I do not imagine they are very pleasant. Luckily they are short lived with no long term" disability".

cheers--Sharon
 

violet3

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Oh my god. It's a cold sore for heaven's sake! I have these as well - contracted in adulthood from my college boyfriend (I assume since he had them very badly and I never had even one). It's an annoying problem, but that is all it is. The doctor can prescribe you Valtrex for when you/he feels one coming on - you can pretty much prevent one from occurring at all by taking a super dose of this medication.

Tell your husband to get over it. People in the world have actual real problems and diseases - if this is his worst problem, he's very lucky.

Edit: I'm editing to add that when I first got one (15 years or so ago), I didn't just get one. I got about 10-15 of them all over my chin, rather than on my mouth. I had no idea what was happening and I was very embarrassed and didn't want to go out of my house, so I completely understand the stigma of the virus and how it makes you feel when first faced with it. Over time, and with proper medication, however, I no longer feel that way. I hope your husband feels the same eventually.
 

packrat

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hahahaha I love it-"he married you knowing full well that you get cold sores". Like he knew full well what he was "getting into". hahaha it sounds like some insidious disease or perceived character flaw, and is something to consider when pondering marrying someone. Well jeez..yanno..I really love her but..oof she gets these *cold sores* every now and again..I kinda think that's a deal breaker.
 

JewelFreak

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canuk-gal|1390149370|3596168 said:
HI:

It is my understanding that the cure for cold sores is aiding in cooking dinner and family chores. :bigsmile: ;))
LOL -- the cure for many DH diseases! More doctors should prescribe it.

I like that too, Packrat -- "he married you knowing full well"....that you were a kleptomaniac, serial murderer, dog thief. It's a cold sore, for pete's sake! I hope he's calmed down by now & given up the dramatics. I don't know what it is with men -- they consider it a personal affront if they get anything wrong with their special selves. :nono:

--- Laurie
 

LaraOnline

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You ladies make me LOL

I will follow up for him wrt more sophisticated meds.
I don't actually get an outbreak that often so tbh had pretty much forgotten I was a carrier.
So I've muddled through using only lysine tabs and ad hoc use of Zovirax.

Oh well I'm totally healed now, I look like a normal worthwhile person again. :appl:
 
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