Don''t wanna get married...

[ForteKitty]

I''ve been dating someone for about 6 months, and hints about marriage have come up. Problem is, I don''t want to get married. I''ve never daydreamed about my "perfect wedding", nor have I ever wanted kids. Everytime the topic comes up, i get antsy and uncomfortable... to the point where he''s calling me a commitment-phobe to my face. I''m 26... shouldn''t i be ready by now?

 

[Layne]

I don''t think you should "be ready by now". Some people just don''t want to get married. I think that is a fine decision and one you make for yourself. Being married isn''t about a wedding or having kids, IMO although those feelings/wants should be conveyed. And, I think 6 months isn''t that long to be dating- it sounds like he might be pressuring you a bit too much. My suggestion is to put some thought into why you don''t want to get married- as I said, nothing wrong with that- but just to discover more about yourself and hopefully to have a good conversation with your boyfriend about it. Also to find out his feelings about marriage- reasons he wants to get married and when, what his expectations are, etc.

You will get it figured out!

 

[SoonIHope]

You''ve only been together 6 months! Just tell him you''re not ready to have that conversation yet and see how things go. I think if your relationship progresses well over the next year or so, then you will be able to tell if spending the rest of your life with him is something that seems appealing or not. That said, you don''t need to have a fancy wedding if you don''t want! Is it marriage or "weddings" that you don''t want?

If you really don''t want kids, that is something you should be honest with him about (do you think there''s a chance you''d change your mind, or are you dead set on not having any?) since that might be important to him. But basically, I would say that your squeamishness about marriage at this point doesn''t mean much more than you haven''t found anyone you would want to spend the rest of your life with yet. Not to say that it couldn''t be your boyfriend - just that you haven''t FELT that you want to spend the rest of your life with anyone yet. I think that as your relationship grows, you''ll be able to tell if the idea of losing him seems more intimidating than the idea of committing to one person for the rest of your life, and then marriage will seem right. Or not.

If you really don''t WANT to get married, and that doesn''t interfere with your relationship(s)...then you could always just not get married!

 

[Kaleigh]

FK,
I don't think it's how long you've dated this guy at all. Sounds like you pretty well know what you want. 26 is an age where you are still young, but I've seen your posts and you are pretty clear about things. So I don't think it's a matter of age in your case. If this guy is right for you, and you adore him, just be honest. Many people are happy to have a life partner without the certificate that goes with marriage. And many people here don't want kids . That's fine too. But if he wants kids, then that's something you guys need to sort out. Some people think that they can change the other person's mind over time. If that's what he's thinking, he will be very wrong. Just my 0.2

 

[Mara]

26! That''s so young!

I don''t think you have to be ''ready'' at any particular time. I have a friend who is 37 who is just now starting to think about marriage, well now she''s having a problem finding a guy...but it''s all about timing.

He may be ready, you may not be...it may or may not work out based on the timing. 6 months is not very long AT ALL personally...we didn''t start talking about marriage until after 1.5 years or so.

I would have an open conversation with him and just be like ''Look I''m happy with you and having a good time but I''m not ready to get married and I don''t want to be pushed or coerced or made to feel like it''s wrong. If you can''t handle it, sorry but I''m going to have to say goodbye.''

If he really wants to get married and you know that you won''t be ready anytime soon, he shouldn''t waste his time hoping just like you wouldn''t want to in that same situation. I really believe in honesty in situations like this especially if one person is SO far down the path and the other is just at the beginning. Sometimes the two will never meet up at the same spot. Stick to your guns and just be honest.

 

[MissAva]

Be honest, tell him that you do not want to marry. If he needs to get married then he will find someone else. And to be honest 6 months....that seems to soon to be discussing something so major. I would tell him to throttle back.

 

[ForteKitty]

I don''t have issues with commitment... just the idea of marriage. I don''t believe that one has to be married to be in a committed relationship. Marriage is just a piece of paper to me. When I hear my friends talk about their dream weddings and how precious it will be, I can''t help but roll my eyes... all I see is $$$ flying outta their pockets.

Dangit... now i''m a commitment-phobe and a scrooge.

 

[AChiOAlumna]

FK...don''t feel that you "should" be ready for anything...that''s society talking. I knew when I was 16 that I didn''t want children and I''ve always maintained my honesty with myself and my SOs. It wasn''t something I was willing to be pressured into, but I respected those who didn''t want to remain with me because they did want children. Take your time and let your BF know you''re not ready. If he is interested in pursuing the relationship with you, he will. If he wants more and now, then he isn''t the man for you.

26 is still young and there''s nothing wrong with searching for a partner who will respect and honor your needs.

 

[ForteKitty]

I should clarify:

he''s not pushing me to get married to him... just talking about marriages in general, and where this relationship is headed. AND he wants me tohis family''s Tahoe Christmas ski trip. I love snowboarding, but being stuck in a hotel with his whole family for 5 days freaks me out.

 

[ForteKitty]

Date: 11/16/2005 11:43:26 PM
Author: Matatora
I would tell him to throttle back.

Throttle.... heh heh... he races, so that will definitely get the point across! (sorry, i''m just soo cheesy sometimes)

 

[Kaleigh]

Nah, don''t get down on yourself. I remember Oprah saying to many brides that they were just looking forward to the wedding, but afterwards all th hard work begins. Hey she and Stedman are very happy. All in all it''s what works for YOU. What makes YOU happy, ya know??? Also tell the BF to chill. Take time and enjoy dating and what goes with it. If he really pressures you it''s time for THE TALK.

 

[ForteKitty]

Thanks everyone! I don''t feel so bad anymore.

 

[fisiogrl]

Hey!

I didn''t want to get married either, and there is nothing wrong with that!

But after 2 years of dating and then living together and his family being fairly traditional.....plus, I swear he has been dreaming about his wedding since he was a little girl... I mean little boy....! Well we got married last year and I just adore him. So, if that''s what it takes to keep him, its worth it!

In the end I loved planning the wedding, go figure.

My sister has been happily ''unmarried'' living with her boyfriend for 12 years.

Both ways work, but I have better jewellery!


PS. I would NEVER have been ready at 26 though, try 36....

 

[eks6426]

6 months isn''t long--especially at 26--you have lots of time no matter what you decide. You could tell him to give in another 6 months then see how you feel.

Is it the idea of the wedding or the idea of the actual marriage that freaks you out?

As for the family trip...how about getting your own hotel/condo etc. not in the same complex as the rest of the family so you could visit some with them, but still have your own time together?

 

[appletini]

Maybe he''s just not *the one*. As for the kids, I never wanted kids either, but early on with the BF, I knew he''d be perfect the daddy and I want to children with him someday (at least 5 years from now). Good Luck!

 

[Caribou]

Date: 11/17/2005 9:09:28 AM
Author: appletini
Maybe he''s just not *the one*.

That''s what I was going to say.

I have a good friend who swore the entire time I knew her (18 years now) that she would never get married. She been married a year now. I ask her now and she says she just hasn''t meet ''the one'' yet. My EX told me he would never marry...well as far as I know he is married now...I just wasn''t the one (thank God for me

).

It''s the same with kids...this friend of mine (above) she never wanted kids either..now that''s all she talks about. My SO told me that he thought he never wanted kids but realized one day that it wasn''t that he didn''t want to have kids, he just didn''t want to have them with the girl he was dating at the time (they dated 6 years) but him and I have our kids name picked out and aren''t even engaged yet.

I think being with the right person has a lot to do with how you view what''s important in your life. I mean, maybe you won''t ever get married or maybe you just haven''t found that person that makes you want to get married.

 

[jaysonsmom]

Date: 11/16/2005 11:06:13 PM
Author:ForteKitty
I''ve been dating someone for about 6 months, and hints about marriage have come up. Problem is, I don''t want to get married. I''ve never daydreamed about my ''perfect wedding'', nor have I ever wanted kids. Everytime the topic comes up, i get antsy and uncomfortable... to the point where he''s calling me a commitment-phobe to my face. I''m 26... shouldn''t i be ready by now?

Forgive me for being rude, but I have a question. I remember you mentioning a steady boyfriend for a long time (around 4-7 years?) and that you had told him that you''d buy your own diamonds etc etc.....what happened to that guy? What was your past dating record like? Perhaps that can help us better figure out whether you''re really a commitment-phobe, or just not ready for this current guy. Because I was in 2 long term relationships that ended nowhere, and when I started dating my husband at 26, I just KNEW he was the one, and within 6 months we were engaged! Maybe you just don''t feel it because he''s not THE ONE

 

[kenny]

Don't get married till you are 100% comfortable.
Half end in divorce already.

Be strong.
Don't give into social pressure.
There is no such thing as, You are supposed to . . .

And you must agree with your partner on kids.
Kids deserve TWO parents who want them.

Don't go into marriage assuming your partner will change.
You can't change anyone, except yourself.

 

[codex57]

Date: 11/16/2005 11:44:38 PM
Author: ForteKitty
I don''t have issues with commitment... just the idea of marriage. I don''t believe that one has to be married to be in a committed relationship. Marriage is just a piece of paper to me. When I hear my friends talk about their dream weddings and how precious it will be, I can''t help but roll my eyes... all I see is $$$ flying outta their pockets.


Dangit... now i''m a commitment-phobe and a scrooge.

Don''t stress. You just don''t value marriage as much as the generation before you. That comes from a combination of things (like the crazy high divorce rate). You''re not alone. Lots of people have your same attitude now. Me and my wife didn''t want a huge wedding either, but felt forced into it by family. My coworker across from me feels the exact way as you; that marriage is just a piece of paper and weddings are just another way to waste a ton of money.

 

[platinumrock]

There is nothing wrong with being a commitment-phobe! At age 26, it''s very common. My husband and I were the biggest commitment-phobes....til we met each other. We were either phobic about commitment in general or phobic about commiting to the wrong person.

Like others have stated, 6 months is still in the early stages of the relationship. If you feel pressured and uncomfortable whenever your bf mentions marriage, you have every right to let him know that you are not ready to "go there" yet. You simply want to enjoy the relationship and let it develop. He needs to respect that. If not, he will drive you away even more.

 

[ForteKitty]

Date: 11/17/2005 11:51:13 AM
Author: jaysonsmom

Forgive me for being rude, but I have a question. I remember you mentioning a steady boyfriend for a long time (around 4-7 years?) and that you had told him that you''d buy your own diamonds etc etc.....what happened to that guy? What was your past dating record like? Perhaps that can help us better figure out whether you''re really a commitment-phobe, or just not ready for this current guy. Because I was in 2 long term relationships that ended nowhere, and when I started dating my husband at 26, I just KNEW he was the one, and within 6 months we were engaged! Maybe you just don''t feel it because he''s not THE ONE

haha, not rude at all. That was about 2 years ago, and I woke up one day realizing that I dont love him. We were together for over a year in the beginning of college, then broke up for about 3 years, and got back together for another 3... then we started having problems. I realized that not only did i not love him, i didn''t respect him too much either because he was such a pushover. So yeah... that''s that.

My new guy, however, is pretty great and I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him, but I guess my thoughts on marriage have changed. I see how my married friends have all lost their identities, and it scares me. I want a life partner, not a shackle. *NOT dissing anyone who is married, by the way. I''m strictly talking about my friends and myself.*

Maybe this guy isn''t the one... maybe he is. I don''t know at this point.

I just want people to stop asking me when i''m gonna get married already!

 

[movie zombie]

kenny has it right....

old saying goes something like this: women marry and hope the man will change, a man marries hoping she won''t change.

another is that what attracts you to the person can end up driving you totally crazy.

so, don''t marry until YOU decide you want to and with the person that is right for you. personally, i think marriage shouldn''t be legal until age 30..........

peace, movie zombie

 

[Lorelei]

ForteKitty you have to do what you feel is right FOR YOU! If that means that marriage doesn't appeal to you that is fine. Maybe one day you might change your mind, if you do then that's fine too! It is a huge commitment ands isn't for everyone. As Kenny says try not to worry about society/ family pressure - you are entitled to feel the way you do. As for kids, I knew from when I was a tiny child I was never going to be a Mother, again it isn't for everyone. I was completely honest with my Husband before we got engaged that I didn't want children and he was fine with that and still is, 20 years later. I don't regret my decision for many reasons, among them I can use my nurturing instincts in other ways. These choices are yours to make, your mind is also yours to change if maybe you feel differently in the future. Stick to your guns and your instincts, they won't lead you far wrong!

 

[Caribou]

Date: 11/17/2005 1:49:13 PM
Author: ForteKitty
. I see how my married friends have all lost their identities, and it scares me. I want a life partner, not a shackle. *NOT dissing anyone who is married, by the way. I'm strictly talking about my friends and myself.*

Oh my, I've heard this before. Granted, I'm not married and never have been but I know what you are saying about lost identities. I know people like that.

In some part, if not all, it's to no fault but thier own when people who get married 'lose their identy'. If that's a big issue with you, know that it doesn't have to be that way. You don't have to change you're whole being, and in some cases you don't have to change any of your being, when you get married. If you marry someone who is understanding and respects your independance than you should be able to remain the person you were before you married....the only difference is you are legally bonded and have date a for life every Saturday.

Saying that, it's okay not to want to get married. We don't need men....they are good for somethings.

Also, it's only been six months for the two of you. Don't sweat it. It took 6 months for my BF and I to go on our second date (and then another month for me to admit we were dating and I had feelings for him)..... I didn't want to date him at first (he was too young, I had a lot of men and trust issues, yada yada yada) now I can't imgaine my life without him.

Things can change at any given moment...just enjoy your time together and tell everyone else to shove it up their arse.

 

[Dancing Fire]

FK
you''re an ABC.is he chinese ? is he the traditional type? b/c if he is they usually want to get marry earlier in life .

 

[AGBF]

Date: 11/17/2005 3:11:03 PM
Author: Caribou
We don''t need men....they are good for somethings.

But how often do you have to move a piano?

Deb

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 11/18/2005 6:56:58 AM
Author: AGBF

Date: 11/17/2005 3:11:03 PM
Author: Caribou
We don''t need men....they are good for somethings.

But how often do you have to move a piano?

Deb

''bout every 6 months Deb to vacuum under it before it''s tuned.

 

[ello]

I don''t think you should feel bad at all - you are true to your feelings and that is very important. Your boyfriend sounds like he really cares about you!

 

[ursulawrite]

I had EXACTLY the same fears before I got married (at the age of 26, as it happens). I was terrified about becoming the lowly little woman in the relationship and resisted for months. I love my husband now and I did then, but marriage, to me, seemed outmoded and a waste of time; co-habiting seemed fine for the majority of people in the UK, and I could not picture myself in the big white dress and veiled. God, no. Thing is, he''s American and I''m British, so something had to give, if only for practicality''s sake

Well, I''m happy to report that, at age 29, I''ve never been more content. My husband will always earn much more money than me (something I used to resent and feel competitive about) but I embrace the fears these days and we''re a couple that''s playful, loving, democratic etc. As we always were, in fact.

As for your own situation, only you will know if he''s "the one" and my own personal feeling is that you should co-habit for at least a year before marriage to really test things out.

 

[kenny]

This is not quite a hijack because someone mentioned that men are good for moving pianos, plus I am trying to protect your health.
I own a piano, take lessons, hang out in internet piano forums, have researched pianos themselves for years, own a huge 7-foot top quality grand that is heavier than a Steinway concert grand, and I have piano parties.
I am a pianoholic.
I know a lot about pianos.

Never Move A Piano.
Hire professionals.
Pay them.
Even if it is just to move a piano across the room.

Why?
Many people, and pianos, are injured during moving.
I know it seems like simple grunt work but there are many things people don't know or think of.

Uprights are surprisingly top heavy.
They want to fall over.
And when they do, they want to fall into a large window or a wall.
This wall wants to have electrical wiring right where the piano crashes into it.
This wiring wants to short and cause fires.

The people who try to stop the piano from falling injure or sever limbs, they break backs.
As pianos fall they have been known to kill dogs, cats, and even children.
Pianos particularly love to fall down stairs.
They like to break very strong dollies.

The wheels of grand pianos relish in finding the slats of your hardwood floor that (though they look perfectly fine) are weakened from termite damage.
Then the caster drops into the crushed wooden slat.
Since this happens so fast while the people are pushing the piano across the room the leg snaps off sending the whole piano onto someone's foot.
Unfortunately the foot, while crushed, does not prevent the rim and the plate of the piano from cracking.

I could go on.

Never move a piano.
This is not the time to save money.
Hire professional piano movers with good insurance.