Does this neighbor situation sound like boundry crossing?

[MichelleCarmen]

Hi everyone,
Just curious here...we have a neighbor who I've chatted with occasionally. At the start of the summer twice he made comments about a specific grocery item I was buying and how it was bad for the environment and I thought it was odd that he was tracking my shopping (watching me unload my groceries) and that he'd have the nerve to comment to me to my face on it, but I just tried to make light of it b/c it was just food and he tends to drink a couple of beers when he's outside so his judgment might be a bit impaired.

We've also gone on a vacation, camping, & hiking and he'd seen me unloading the car and asked me where we went and since these were trips, I'd say, not quite thinking it was that big of a deal. Then things started to get a bit weird because my husband had surgery and was recovering in the house and he hadn't seen my dh in a week, and it came out that he had told the neighbor by us that we had broken up or divorced (something like that) and I had to correct him. That kind of irked me. Then about a month later, I was doing the garbage and he came out, with a drink in his hand, and asked me why my husband works long hours and asked how come he never sees my kids (who were inside the house, but he didn't know), and I was realizing I was having to defend my family's activities and decided that I would avoid him. He also said that the next time he sees my dh, he would intercept him to talk to him. I went into the house and told my DH about the guy asking where everyone was, etc., and my dh told me he never talks to the guy because he wants to avoid him so he runs into the house when he gets home.

Well, I went out of town for two days, came home for two days and then was gone for two days working long hours and on one of those days, the neighbor DID intercept my dh and asked him where I was.

Does this sound creepy like nosy or like a stalker? He's living w/a woman & she has kids, so he's not a single man at home and he works but gets home early and he stays outside until around 7 so I cannot come home or leave w/out him seeing me come/go.

I didn't start literally jumping out of my car & racing into my house until I found out he had asked my dh where I was.

Does it sound like I'm over-reacting? I've never had a person confront me AND my dh about where we've been on a continual basis to where it's when I'm WORKING and he's asking where I am so it creeps me out.

 

[kenny]

Re: Does this neighbor situation sound like boundry crossing

EWW!

Here's what I'd do.
I'd stop rushing into the house.
When he asks those questions I'd have myself and my SO respond with only, "Why would anyone ask THAT?"
Then walk away.

After a few of those I think he'll stop.

Don't feel guilty doing this.
You are not being rude.
He is.

 

[missy]

Re: Does this neighbor situation sound like boundry crossing

Mc, I am sorry you are dealing with this. Your neighbor is being creepy, rude and invasive. I am not sure how I would handle this but I just might ignore him completely. And I agree with Kenny. Stop rushing into the house to avoid him. It's your right to come and go as you please.

His behavior makes me angry for you and I wish I had more concrete advice. I wonder if speaking with his SO would be helpful or it could be she's just as creepy as he is and in that case I would avoid/ignore them both. Is there anyway you could fence in or plant trees/bushes/foliage around your property so he wouldn't have a view of you at all?

 

[Matata]

Re: Does this neighbor situation sound like boundry crossing

Why not tell him that your actions and those of your family are nothing for him to be concerned about and that you would appreciate it if he would stop intruding in your personal business. That's the polite wording...amend as you see fit

 

[VRBeauty]

Re: Does this neighbor situation sound like boundry crossing

That would creep me out too. Challenging you on your grocery purchases and starting rumors that you're divorced certainly goes beyond a "neighborhood watch" type of concern.

I like Kenny's approach. If that doesn't work, I'd cut straight to the chase - some version of "My family's [whereabouts] [activities] [purchases] are none of your business."

I'm sure someone else could come up with a more diplomatic way of stating that...

 

[kenny]

Re: Does this neighbor situation sound like boundry crossing

If my suggestion doesn't work put something in your front yard that will really make his head explode.
Invite him to join your next S&M bondage GTG.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Re: Does this neighbor situation sound like boundry crossing

Thanks, Missy & Kenny (and everyone - sorry, we were typing at the same time...so I didn't type everyones' names). It's feeling like it's just now getting out of hand...like he had been watching us but, it wasn't until we started light chit chatting that he started making the blunt comments & inquiries that made it clear it's probably been going on for the past two years.

One other thing is, they had said our vent needed cleaning and said they'd help us b/c they had a ladder. Well, the kids and I ended up going to swimming lessons, so the guy & his girlfriend came over to our house and climbed up on our roof while we were gone and cleaned it. I wasn't sure if I was to thank them or be creeped out. By climbing a ladder, they could see inside all our top windows! I keep the front blinds closed and keep all my back windows open, so the only way to see in my house is for someone to trasspass into the back yard OR climb on a ladder

We're in a cul-de-sac. The only way to avoid them is to move. DH and I are talking about moving out onto acreage, but have a lease to full-fill.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Re: Does this neighbor situation sound like boundry crossing

If my suggestion doesn't work put something in your front yard that will really make his head explode.

hahaha Kenny.

I was actually thinking of making a sculpture of the environmentally unfriendly water bottles that he commented on and displaying it in my front yard.

 

[dragonfly411]

Re: Does this neighbor situation sound like boundry crossing

Yes. This sounds invasive, creepy and even scary. Until yesterday, I was the first person to give people the benefit of the doubt. Not anymore, you absolutely never know, never. I would NOT show that you are scared by him, but I would make a point to have words, and if you have to, send him a letter asking that he do not ask you personal questions.

 

[amc80]

Re: Does this neighbor situation sound like boundry crossing

Creepy. Next time he asks you were you were say you were at the shooting range. I'd also get one of those signs from an alarm company and stick it in the front yard. His knowledge of your whereabouts and schedule is a bit concerning.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Re: Does this neighbor situation sound like boundry crossing

Yes. This sounds invasive, creepy and even scary. Until yesterday, I was the first person to give people the benefit of the doubt. Not anymore, you absolutely never know, never. I would NOT show that you are scared by him, but I would make a point to have words, and if you have to, send him a letter asking that he do not ask you personal questions.

Sorry you had something that changed your mind. Those moments kind of wreck things, huh?

I guess the easiest solution is go about my day but say I'm busy if he tries to talk? The other day, he yelled out from his yard how busy we are when I was rushing into the house.

Glad I'm not sounding totally paranoid. It's just knowing someone keeps tabs PLUS confronts, makes me uncomfortable. I see people come and go but wouldn't question them on their activities because I'm not their parent. I feel bad for his girlfriend. Wonder if he's like that with her but 100X worse. One day her and I were talking and he kept yelling her name from inside the house and she mentioned he could be "mean" a couple of times. I wasn't sure how to interpret that.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Re: Does this neighbor situation sound like boundry crossing

Creepy. Next time he asks you were you were say you were at the shooting range. I'd also get one of those signs from an alarm company and stick it in the front yard. His knowledge of your whereabouts and schedule is a bit concerning.

We have an alarm. So do they. He also informed me he owns a gun and has it because if someone breaks into the house, he's not going to let them tie up and torture his girlfriend and her daughter. I was thinking WTF...***WHO*** even imagines stuff like that???

He knows I don't have a weapon. We have a beebee gun but no ammunition b/c I don't want my kids using it and their air soft guns can't do much more than possibly break a window. We've never tried, but someone said that they break windows (eta - meaning the pellets can break windows - not that the person breaks windows...nobody has intentionally done that...it happened to someone on accident.)

 

[VRBeauty]

Re: Does this neighbor situation sound like boundry crossing

One other thing is, they had said our vent needed cleaning and said they'd help us b/c they had a ladder. Well, the kids and I ended up going to swimming lessons, so the guy & his girlfriend came over to our house and climbed up on our roof while we were gone and cleaned it. I wasn't sure if I was to thank them or be creeped out. By climbing a ladder, they could see inside all our top windows! I keep the front blinds closed and keep all my back windows open, so the only way to see in my house is for someone to trasspass into the back yard OR climb on a ladder

That's trespassing in my book, but I'm not a lawyer. I'd post a no trespassing sign. I would even send a letter to the effect that "on such and such a date you told me that you and your GF had, without our permission, used a ladder to access our roof to clean a vent. This letter is to notify you that we consider that trespassing, and we will file a complaint with the police if you do anything like this again..."

Seriously.

Aside from the question of trespassing and very likely snooping, there's the question of liability, should something happen to creepy neighbor while he's on your property. I would not let that admission go without a response.

ETA - does your local police dept. offer any sort of neighbor mediation service?

 

[Circe]

Re: Does this neighbor situation sound like boundry crossing

Huh. Yeah, I'd be wigged out, too. I think Kenny's advice is very sound: I say just deadpan him and keep asking what he means by that until he gives up. It can be surprisingly effective.

As for the bigger picture - your creepy stalky neighbor who has made a point of telling you he has a gun, but seems well-intentioned if COMPLETELY MANNERLESS - I think moving sounds great once your lease is up, but in the meantime, you don't want to let this guy drive you inside your house, or feel uncomfortable coming and going. Have you tried saying you're just not a people person? "Sorry, Bob, I'm a terrible introvert. Wish you well, but I'm not a big talker. Bye!" If he acts offended or aggressive over that ... maybe *then* check in with local law enforcement to see if they have any suggestions?

 

[yennyfire]

Re: Does this neighbor situation sound like boundry crossing

If my suggestion doesn't work put something in your front yard that will really make his head explode.
Invite him to join your next S&M bondage GTG.

I'm almost afraid to ask...Kenny, what is that????

 

[JewelFreak]

Re: Does this neighbor situation sound like boundry crossing

I'm sorry you have this situation -- ick! Kenny's advice sounds good to me -- advice columnists recommend that response to invasive questions too. I'd say it in a completely amazed tone of voice (which is what you feel).

Yeah, this guy sounds like a big pest. It does get creepy. I doubt he's dangerous but you do want to keep a distance. He has no sense of social boundaries, obviously.

Don't run into the house, just do your stuff -- if he tries to talk, saying brusquely, "Sorry, Elmer, too busy right now" ought to get the point across after a couple of times, especially if you do not catch his eye. I would not get into a conversation with him AT ALL. Give this type a tiny inch & they take a mile. If he asks why you haven't been chatty, there's your chance to tell him you just don't wish to have a friendship.

Good luck! Don't worry -- being distant should do it. If they get on your roof again, call the police -- or Kenny!

--- Laurie

 

[Enerchi]

Re: Does this neighbor situation sound like boundry crossing

Add me to the crowd!! this guy is a walking weirdo... and they can be like little time bombs - they may go off and they may not, but you just never know.

Not sure if it is even worth running it by the local police precinct just to give them a heads up that, while nothing has happened, he has made 'stalking' type comments about your whereabouts and your routine, enough that it is making you uncomfortable. My guess- nothing would/could be done, but at least it would be on record and should he become even more forward, you do have the initial report as back up.

I agree- confront the b4st4rd!! He clearly has no manners or social skills, so its not like he'd be affronted by your forwardness! it may be the better way to relate to him, as well. Sometimes, confronting like w like, has the better end result.

Good luck, MC. I hope this guy backs off...but somehow... I think you're going to have to force a confrontation for him to change his pervy behaviour.

 

[Boatluvr]

Re: Does this neighbor situation sound like boundry crossing

I would seriously consider doing a background check on this guy. He sounds totally creepy to me. My brother is a policemen - he has told me many times to 'listen to my gut'. You need to find out what/who you are dealing with. If he does have a gun and he has already exhibited questionable behavior? WTF! This gives me the 'willies'.

 

[marymm]

Re: Does this neighbor situation sound like boundry crossing

Um, not to creep you out further, but is there any chance while the guy was up on your roof he could have installed any cameras or other snoop technology? He's crossed so many boundaries that if it were me, I'd wonder what else he was up to when he was up on my roof when no one was home. (Sorry, not trying to spread paranoia, that's just where my mind went when I read this thread)

 

[kenny]

Re: Does this neighbor situation sound like boundry crossing

If my suggestion doesn't work put something in your front yard that will really make his head explode.
Invite him to join your next S&M bondage GTG.

I'm almost afraid to ask...Kenny, what is that????

I don't know; I just googled up something shocking for the nosey neighbor.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Re: Does this neighbor situation sound like boundry crossing

I would seriously consider doing a background check on this guy. He sounds totally creepy to me. My brother is a policemen - he has told me many times to 'listen to my gut'. You need to find out what/who you are dealing with. If he does have a gun and he has already exhibited questionable behavior? WTF! This gives me the 'willies'.

My husband has talked to him a few times and says there's something "not right" in the guy's eyes, but I'm always the people pleaser who tries to be nice to people but I'm almost tempted to tell him flat out that he shouldn't be asking my dh where I am. Yes, I can look up his info, but I like the idea of contacting the police so a report has been made. I'll see first if he quits talking to me and gets the hint. I had thought the other day about a restraining order obviously don't have any grounds and hopefully do not. But, yeah, I can look up basic online stuff...

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Re: Does this neighbor situation sound like boundry crossing

Um, not to creep you out further, but is there any chance while the guy was up on your roof he could have installed any cameras or other snoop technology? He's crossed so many boundaries that if it were me, I'd wonder what else he was up to when he was up on my roof when no one was home. (Sorry, not trying to spread paranoia, that's just where my mind went when I read this thread)

Ugh, God, I hope not, but you know, that thought DID cross my mind. What if he dropped something down our dryer vent? I just thought of it the other day!!! Then we were watching Breaking Bad (of all shows to bring out the crazy ideas in people - lol) and the guy had some little radar thingy and it made me wonder if I could buy something to detect if my house is bugged. I mentioned it to my son, but he just laughed. Maybe I can get the other son do rig something up. My husband and I text each other all day long so our conversations would be extremely chopping & not make any sense in bits and pieces.

We have a year left on our lease, but with the difficulty in finding a good place, we might move early and pay on both places (we've done this twice before to secure a place...there's a 99% chance we'd have to do this even if we were to buy.

At any rate, I'm going to change the passwords on every account, which I read should be done every six months anyway.

 

[Lula]

Re: Does this neighbor situation sound like boundry crossing

Did this guy live there when the people who rented the house before you did lived there? I'm just wondering if he's the reason the former tenants moved. And, if you are renting this house, your neighbor should absolutely not be on the roof without your permission when you are not home and without the landlord's knowledge, especially if he was performing home maintenance tasks. That's a recipe for a personal injury lawsuit. The information his girlfriend gave you would be warning enough for me to avoid him. I'd be very suspicious of him. At best, he seems to have way too much time on his hands. At the worst, he's an abusive man who may go from harassing you and your family verbally -- and that's what it is if he doesn't stop asking you questions when you directly ask him not to -- to physically confronting you when he knows you're alone. Think about how much information he's gathered about your daily routine that he could use against you in some way. Scary.

 

[TooPatient]

Re: Does this neighbor situation sound like boundry crossing



Let him know that you are not comfortable discussing that with him. Whatever "that" is on any given day. If it is a personal question, make it clear you are not comfortable that you would ask that he not question you again. Then put it in writing to him. Document all of this.
Report anything you can to the police. You need this documented. If it comes to needing additional action (protection orders) you will need to show these reports and documentation.

I've gone so far with a couple of people to end all contact and let our attorney be the one to give them written notice that we do not wish to hear from them again.

 

[WinkHPD]

Re: Does this neighbor situation sound like boundry crossing

I have only read about half of this thread, but something is going on.

MOVE. YOU ARE PROBABLY IN DANGER.

Just my opinion of course and it is "not fair" but if it was my family we would already be gone. Maybe I am just too security conscious because I am a jeweler.

Wink

P.S. Have you talked with the police. If your neighbor is this obnoxious with everyone they will have prior complaints. If your land lord knew and failed to tell you about him you have legal recourse for leaving NOW.

 

[TooPatient]

Re: Does this neighbor situation sound like boundry crossing

I have only read about half of this thread, but something is going on.

MOVE. YOU ARE PROBABLY IN DANGER.
Just my opinion of course and it is "not fair" but if it was my family we would already be gone. Maybe I am just too security conscious because I am a jeweler.

Wink

P.S. Have you talked with the police. If your neighbor is this obnoxious with everyone they will have prior complaints. If your land lord knew and failed to tell you about him you have legal recourse for leaving NOW.

I change my level of discomfort with his actions. Just re-read your posts. If your DH sees something off in his eyes and he's gone so far as the other things you've described.
You should probably still talk with the police, but if he is notified of that he'll probably get VERY angry.

Get out.
Take care of yourself and your family.

 

[lyra]

Re: Does this neighbor situation sound like boundry crossing

You might consider also talking to your landlord about this whole situation. Put it in writing, so that if you need to move, it might be possible to break your lease. They should definitely know about the trespassing too. We make it a point to never get too friendly with the neighbours. We had one neighbour go nuts on us once and we had to move to avoid the constant stress. I'd never want to be in that situation again. I hope things work out for you.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Re: Does this neighbor situation sound like boundry crossing

I never talk to my neighbors.

 

[partgypsy]

Re: Does this neighbor situation sound like boundry crossing

That's inappropriate. Like someone else, it may turn out to be nothing, or it may turn.
On the positive thing, this person may have autistic spectrum disorder and just not really good filter/unaware of how he is coming across. That he is good intentioned, but coming out wrong.
However, it could be that there is something else going on.
What you have to do is document. File a report at the police station stating the different times that this person was invading your privacy and making you feel uncomfortable. And I would be really upfront with him. You have made comments about my groceries, my trips and my family. I am not interested in your opinions of me or my family and it's none of your business and I'd appreciate you that you respect our privacy." Hopefully that will do it, but if it continues, report it.

 

[momhappy]

Re: Does this neighbor situation sound like boundry crossing

Is it possible that he is mentally and/or developmentally challenged in some way? He sort of sounds like someone who is socially awkward and although he's trying to be friendly/neighborly, it's coming across the wrong way.
I always like to give people the benefit of the doubt, but I am also an advocate of personal safety. If you're feeling threatened by his actions, your best bet is to probably minimize contact with him as much as possible. Maybe I'm wrong, but it doesn't sound like there is anything to "document" with the police at this point. It doesn't sound like he's actually threatened you (or your family) in any ways, so he's committed no crimes. If it was me, and I had the ability to do so, I might consider moving.