Do you mind the question, "What do you do?"

[Smith1942]

Of course, it's a normal question in many contexts.

But what about in these contexts?

- Someone you met five minutes ago at a party. Or even seconds ago when first introduced. "This is Smith"/"Oh, hello Smith. What do you do?" Yes, this has happened.

- At the doctor's office. (Why, are you going to give me better care if I'm a lawyer rather than a road sweeper?)

- From teachers at your child's school, or on school enrollment forms.

- Misc - any situation where you have just met someone.


Yes, I know that asking someone's occupation is part of getting to know someone. But I'm talking about transient acquaintances whom you might never see again, or people that you have literally just met.

Personally? I think it's veiled rudeness in those situations. It's nosiness. What they're saying is, "How much money do you earn, how intelligent are you and how educated are you?"

It's also a way that people can put you in your box. Accountants are boring, nurses are caring, journalists are moral-free, etc etc.

I might start telling people I'm an embalmer. Or a maintenance mechanic with a travelling fairground.

Do YOU ever find this question nosy/unnecessary?

 

[TooPatient]

I have no problem with that question. I'm asked it routinely and have asked others also. It is part of getting to know a person. It also may be a thing you have in common or at least an area of interest that opens up conversations. It shows interest in the person.

If someone doesn't ask these "uncomfortable" questions then the conversation is likely to be deadly dull and superficial.
What's left?

Where are you from? -- nope.
What sort of work do you do? -- nope.
Do you have kids? -- Ooops. They are trying and having trouble. Or just had a miscarriage.
Did you see that episode last night? -- Oooops. They don't have a TV and think watching programs like that is a waste.
Do you have animals at home? --- Oooops. Their dog just died?
Have you tried the new chicken salad at Whole Foods? --- Oooops. They are vegan.
I love that ring! --- Ooops. Now they are self conscious and trying to hide their hand.
That dress looks great on you! -- Ooops. Beauty is only skin deep and how dare you comment. (Yeah... heard that one )


ETA: I don't mean that to come across as rude to anyone. I'm just trying to figure out what doesn't leave people uncomfortable. There have been lots of things mentioned lately as things to avoid and it just feels like there isn't much left.
People are so careful it is frustrating. I feel like I'm always making random small talk with people IRL. Nothing of substance. Just "Wow it is cold" and "Do you think it will snow soon". There is only so much enthusiasm I can manage for yet another weather conversation.

 

[JulieN]

"what do you mean?" *blank stare*

I prefer to ask people, "what do you do for fun?"

 

[Smith1942]

I have no problem with that question. I'm asked it routinely and have asked others also. It is part of getting to know a person. It also may be a thing you have in common or at least an area of interest that opens up conversations. It shows interest in the person.

If someone doesn't ask these "uncomfortable" questions then the conversation is likely to be deadly dull and superficial.
What's left?

Where are you from? -- nope.
What sort of work do you do? -- nope.
Do you have kids? -- Ooops. They are trying and having trouble. Or just had a miscarriage.
Did you see that episode last night? -- Oooops. They don't have a TV and think watching programs like that is a waste.
Do you have animals at home? --- Oooops. Their dog just died?
Have you tried the new chicken salad at Whole Foods? --- Oooops. They are vegan.
I love that ring! --- Ooops. Now they are self conscious and trying to hide their hand.
That dress looks great on you! -- Ooops. Beauty is only skin deep and how dare you comment. (Yeah... heard that one )


ETA: I don't mean that to come across as rude to anyone. I'm just trying to figure out what doesn't leave people uncomfortable. There have been lots of things mentioned lately as things to avoid and it just feels like there isn't much left.
People are so careful it is frustrating. I feel like I'm always making random small talk with people IRL. Nothing of substance. Just "Wow it is cold" and "Do you think it will snow soon". There is only so much enthusiasm I can manage for yet another weather conversation.

Yes, this is why the British stick to two subjects - the weather and everyone's health. Like Eliza Doolittle at the races.

 

[Smith1942]

"what do you mean?" *blank stare*

I prefer to ask people, "what do you do for fun?"

Yes, that's a good one.


The trouble with asking someone what they do is when they answer with something like, "I stick labels on cans at a factory" or "I clean windows." I mean, there's not much you can say if someone has a very ordinary occupation. I think I read somewhere in a Miss Manners-type column that in such a situation, you simply ask, "Do you enjoy that?"

 

[justginger]

I find that usually Americans are more sensitive about this topic than other cultures. We had a night dive/snorkel 2 nights ago with only one other person on the boat (American). My Australian husband introduced himself and immediately asked what the guy did for a living. He doesn't find it rude in the least and doesn't hesitate to ask, nor will he hesitate to answer when asked. Same thing for all my Aussie friends and family. There are far fewer taboo topics down under, less worry about salaries and judgement - perhaps less judgement itself, except among the youngest generation who wants everything bigger and better and NOW. I unconsciously bristled as soon as he asked the other guy, old habits die hard, but the man was very accommodating and happy to answer. He does development with AT&T, by the way.

 

[FrekeChild]

For the doctor's office it can be very pertinent to your health. Say, if you're a "waste engineer" you're probably going to be getting sick more often than an office administrator. Or, if you're an enbalmer, you're going to be exposed to certain chemicals that a gardener isn't. Certain professions carry certain health risks. It is actually quite relative to your care. And it might not seem important now, but in the event that you ever become disabled and no longer able to work, should you apply for Social Security Disability from the federal government, lawyers, judges, legal assistants, doctors, nurses, adjudicators and more are going to be going over your records with a fine tooth comb looking for any kinds of discrepancies related to your work and any job limitations you might have.

How do I know this? Well, it's what I did, until I became a stay at home mom. I was a legal assistant for a SSD attorney and one of my specialties was reading medical records and noting anything out of the ordinary.

 

[JulieN]

I find that usually Americans are more sensitive about this topic than other cultures.

The US has greater inequality, both in the distribution of wealth and intergenerational mobility, than most other large rich countries. In this measure, at least we are still better than China!

 

[JewelFreak]

C'mon, folks. This is PC gone barmy. By that reasoning, you can't even comment on the weather -- Maybe a branch broke off in the wind & crushed somebody's house. "How are you?" "How do you do?" when you meet someone -- maybe they aren't well. Why not just look at them and not say a single word? Then or ever. How self-conscous can you get?

People ask me at parties all the time if we have children. No. It makes me sad, but for pete's sake, I can say No without wrenching my heart & banging on walls in tears & screeching. It's not an impolite question -- just one from someone trying to find common ground to talk about. So I ask about theirs -- and it's off to the races, one topic leading to another. It's called a "conversation."

So somebody is a window washer. Only a snob would assume they were ashamed of it. Are you one? Ask about washing windows on high scaffolds, shudder for me, but maybe it leads to an interesting insight.

Bull feathers about unequal incomes in America. Whatever their material situation, humans are still human and, as social animals, interested in each other -- part of a genetic need to form bonds. The wonderful thing about America (used to be) that wealth is never static; the rich guy could lose it all next week; the poor one finally get an idea he's been working on off the ground, on the way to success. Sorry, but if you are afraid of embarrassing someone without much money, that says more about you than about him.

--- Laurie

 

[missy]

Ditto Laurie.

And I'll add that I mind when I'm not asked when my dh is asked.
That happens believe it or not. Rude imo to assume the dh has the"real" career. Doesn't happen often but still I'm surprised it happens at all.

 

[JewelFreak]

Good point, Missy. Makes me annoyed too. In Europe when I had an appointment with someone I didn't know, he often asked me if my husband worked in the scientific industry too. As if he had to put his influence in to get me a job or something. I made sure to look extremely surprised when I said, "No. He works for a bank."

--- Laurie

 

[zoebartlett]

Interesting. I don't see how it's a rude question to ask someone what he/she does for a living. I think people ask out of curiosity, not to be nosy.

 

[SB621]

Nope doesn't bother me. Though I'm a military spouse so most ppl assume I don't work. If they only knew the truth that I was the breadwinner we would be shunned from the military community

But nope I really don't care because I could answer in truth about my job, I could say I'm a mother (also a job) etc. It doesn't bother me. I will also say that I very rarely think before I talk nor am I fantastic on picking up on ppls discomfort so I think a could ice breaker is me always ask what they do. I mean it in context of what they do for work, for fun, etc. I don't particular care how they answer. Typically the more creative teh answer the more I usually like the person.

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

No I don't mind at all. It's usually just people trying to find something to talk about so no big deal. I'm also a special education teacher and have never had anyone say anything negative about my career. There are plenty of teacher bashers online but I have yet to meet someone who said anything negative to my face.

 

[chrono]

Someone at a party? My guess is that he/she is trying to find common ground to start a conversation.
Doctor's office? They need to know if there are health hazards to be considered (exposure to chemicals, ergonomics, etc).
School? Never figured the reason for that one.

 

[TooPatient]

C'mon, folks. This is PC gone barmy. By that reasoning, you can't even comment on the weather -- Maybe a branch broke off in the wind & crushed somebody's house. "How are you?" "How do you do?" when you meet someone -- maybe they aren't well. Why not just look at them and not say a single word? Then or ever. How self-conscous can you get?

People ask me at parties all the time if we have children. No. It makes me sad, but for pete's sake, I can say No without wrenching my heart & banging on walls in tears & screeching. It's not an impolite question -- just one from someone trying to find common ground to talk about. So I ask about theirs -- and it's off to the races, one topic leading to another. It's called a "conversation."

So somebody is a window washer. Only a snob would assume they were ashamed of it. Are you one? Ask about washing windows on high scaffolds, shudder for me, but maybe it leads to an interesting insight.

Bull feathers about unequal incomes in America. Whatever their material situation, humans are still human and, as social animals, interested in each other -- part of a genetic need to form bonds. The wonderful thing about America (used to be) that wealth is never static; the rich guy could lose it all next week; the poor one finally get an idea he's been working on off the ground, on the way to success. Sorry, but if you are afraid of embarrassing someone without much money, that says more about you than about him.

--- Laurie

Ditto to all!

Laurie, you said it so much better than I managed half asleep last night!

You can't avoid every last possible "offensive" question or there would be NOTHING left to talk about. You couldn't even NOT talk because that could be offensive too!

We all have things in our lives that we may not be comfortable discussing at length. So what? You learn how to respond POLITELY when asked and then shift the conversation on to other areas.

I didn't bold it but YES to the last paragraph too!
I am about to be the first person in my family to finish a college degree. I grew up in run down houses, the back of a van and a 100 year old chicken coop converted to a one-bedroom "house". The rest of my family is still not very well off but are proud of the work they do. They aren't embarrassed to say that they sell car parts or feed kids lunch at school -- in fact they love to talk about their work!
America is far from locking people into a particular situation. With the right attitude and hard work, you can reach whatever you want!

 

[Efe]

People are way too sensitive about everything, in my opinion. I wonder sometimes how anyone gets anything done with all the energy they expend on being offended.

 

[Dee*Jay]

I don't mind, but I sometimes find it challenging to describe. For the past three days I've been at my grandmother's funeral and relatives I haven't seen for decades asked me what I do. I think in that case it's a matter of genuine interest (we are family after all) but I found myself "dumbing down" what I do to make it more understandable. Not that my work is complicated, but it's just outside the realm of what most people think about.

Also, I do think (in this country anyway, which is really my only point of reference) that people think of what you do as "defining" you. Not saying whether this is right or wrong, but I do believe some people think in these terms. For instance, one of my cousins is a doctor but she decided to become a SAHM and raise her twins. Twice this week I heard her say "I'm really a doctor, but right now I'm raising the kids." Personally I think raising children is the most important job in the world (although I don't have any), but that is how she phrased her answer.

 

[junebug17]

I don't think people mean any harm in asking, usually it's just a conversation starter - I'm usually asked at the hair dresser, nail place, or some business function of my husband's. That said, I kind of wish people wouldn't ask - I'm a care-giver for my mother, and I really don't feel like talking about it and when I respond the topic tends to prompt more questions. Of course the person asking this doesn't have any way of knowing I'd prefer not to talk about it! I guess I could just say I'm not working right now, but somehow one feels obligated to say something more productive than that lol. Anyway, for the most part I find it's just a question people ask to have something to talk about.

 

[crown1]

I have no problem with that question. I'm asked it routinely and have asked others also. It is part of getting to know a person. It also may be a thing you have in common or at least an area of interest that opens up conversations. It shows interest in the person.

If someone doesn't ask these "uncomfortable" questions then the conversation is likely to be deadly dull and superficial.
What's left?

Where are you from? -- nope.
What sort of work do you do? -- nope.
Do you have kids? -- Ooops. They are trying and having trouble. Or just had a miscarriage.
Did you see that episode last night? -- Oooops. They don't have a TV and think watching programs like that is a waste.
Do you have animals at home? --- Oooops. Their dog just died?
Have you tried the new chicken salad at Whole Foods? --- Oooops. They are vegan.
I love that ring! --- Ooops. Now they are self conscious and trying to hide their hand.
That dress looks great on you! -- Ooops. Beauty is only skin deep and how dare you comment. (Yeah... heard that one )


ETA: I don't mean that to come across as rude to anyone. I'm just trying to figure out what doesn't leave people uncomfortable. There have been lots of things mentioned lately as things to avoid and it just feels like there isn't much left.
People are so careful it is frustrating. I feel like I'm always making random small talk with people IRL. Nothing of substance. Just "Wow it is cold" and "Do you think it will snow soon". There is only so much enthusiasm I can manage for yet another weather conversation.

yup! everybody too touchy. if you are not comfortable with the question don't answer. turn the question on them. ask another or just walk away. all of us have things we dislike, that is natural. taking it all as a personal attack does one no good. move on leaving the person wondering but try not to let it color your life. some of us are actually trying to be friendly and passing time in conversation with no ulterior motives.

eta: should have read all the responses. looks like a lot of us do not find it all that bad. lots of good responses.

 

[OreoRosies86]

Nope! I don't care a single bit. In fact, I love talking about what people do.

 

[Smith1942]

Well, I don't like it. Sometimes it's innocent, but lots of times people are basically trying to place you on the income/class scale, so they can find out if you're "above" or "beneath" them on those scales. Lots of people are very judgemental underneath it all. Hanging out with my husband's family has taught me that - unlike my own family, they are obsessed with people's markers of power, status, etc. And that is what is often behind this question. Maybe more so in a big city environment. Or even if they're not judging you, another reason is to define you by what you do, which I think is wrong. Certain professions tend to dislike this question more than others, like doctors, who tell me that people start asking them about their ailments at parties. Anyway, I'd rather be allowed a chance to define myself in conversation with a new person rather than having my job do it for me. Because lots of people's jobs don't reflect their true selves, unique creative talents, etc. I really don't see that it matters what you do, in a social situation.

Missy - I hear you on people treating your husband's job as more important. You say it's only happened a couple of times - well, it happens all the time to me! He is a columnist on a New York newspaper so I guess his work is more visible than mine, but ever since I got married it's been Mr Smith the genius and Ms Smith the secretary, according to his family. His brother actually told me that I should be updating my husband's blog every day with his columns, as if my job is to do his admin, despite me having an advanced degree and my own career!

My husband's brother is pretty much obsessed with power, money and status, and the first thing he asks someone is what they do, so he can find out if they're worth his time or not. That's why he asks. It's people like that who make me want to reply that I'm a grave-digger.

 

[Akvileja]

I usually don't mind the question itself. Sometimes I can get a little tired of explaining what I actually do at work because it sounds very abstract to someone who isn't in the industry. I don't find the question rude at all, but maybe that's just because I don't mind answering it.

But what about in these contexts?

- At the doctor's office. (Why, are you going to give me better care if I'm a lawyer rather than a road sweeper?)

I have gotten the question from doctors and the intent was not to chit chat or find health risks in my working environment. It was for the doctor to know at what level he was going to present information to me. If I work in health care he can use medical terms. If I have a higher education he assumes he can give complex information. If my occupation makes him doubt my intellectual capacity he will give a simplified explanation. It sounds harsh, but doctors have to explain medical conditions to all their patients in a way that the patient can understand, and knowing the patient's occupation gives a starting point on what level to explain things. I met a woman at the NICU who said that her baby weighed as much as a packet of milk. That was her level of understanding her baby's condition.

 

[Smith1942]

C'mon, folks. This is PC gone barmy. By that reasoning, you can't even comment on the weather -- Maybe a branch broke off in the wind & crushed somebody's house. "How are you?" "How do you do?" when you meet someone -- maybe they aren't well. Why not just look at them and not say a single word? Then or ever. How self-conscous can you get?

People ask me at parties all the time if we have children. No. It makes me sad, but for pete's sake, I can say No without wrenching my heart & banging on walls in tears & screeching. It's not an impolite question -- just one from someone trying to find common ground to talk about. So I ask about theirs -- and it's off to the races, one topic leading to another. It's called a "conversation."

So somebody is a window washer. Only a snob would assume they were ashamed of it. Are you one? Ask about washing windows on high scaffolds, shudder for me, but maybe it leads to an interesting insight.

Bull feathers about unequal incomes in America. Whatever their material situation, humans are still human and, as social animals, interested in each other -- part of a genetic need to form bonds.The wonderful thing about America (used to be) that wealth is never static; the rich guy could lose it all next week; the poor one finally get an idea he's been working on off the ground, on the way to success. Sorry, but if you are afraid of embarrassing someone without much money, that says more about you than about him.

--- Laurie

Yes. I address all service people as "Boy!" and why on earth would I talk to a window cleaner? How embarrassing.

My point, JF, along with the label-sticking example, was that not everybody has some fascinating job to talk about which adequately reflects the special and unique blend that makes up their personality. If you really want to get to know someone, you'll find out much more about them and their uniqueness/talents/creativity by asking them what they do for fun, or what their hobbies are, or what's their biggest dream. My friend's partner, for example, worked for the local electricity board for years. In his spare time he is a wonderful artist, and recently some of the publishing houses in London have been accepting his work for book covers and other illustrations. Well, call me snobby but I'd be much more likely to be fully engaged when talking about his art and his creative talents than about his electricity board. Because his art is about him and his uniqueness, whereas the electricity board isn't.

 

[OreoRosies86]

So why not steer the question in a direction that sparks an interesting conversation?

"By trade I am a forensic accountant. But my real passion is science fiction! In fact, I'm preparing a manuscript right now and shopping for a publisher. How about you?"

Assume the best in people and they might surprise you.

 

[Smith1942]

So why not steer the conversation in a direction that sparks an interesting conversation?

"By trade I am a forensic accountant. But my real passion is science fiction! In fact, I'm preparing a manuscript right now and shopping for a publisher. How about you?"

Assume the best in people and they might surprise you.

Elliot - I like that, I like it very much! I'm going to give a more colourful answer next time I'm asked. "Well, I'm a book editor but I also spent ten years in PR which I hated but which was excellent experience. However, I've always been a frustrated jeweller, realtor, and beauty consultant, since I also love diamonds, property, and the colour wheel. I guess you could say I wish I had four lifetimes in order to fit it all in!"

 

[OreoRosies86]

See how that works! Next thing you know they might say "No way! I am a total jewelry addict!"

By the end of the night you could be making plans to go to the gem and jewelry expo together

 

[Smith1942]

That's true - you never know what you might discover about people!

I guess some work stories could be funny too. I had a boss who used to kick me, when I worked as the PR for the Dubai tourist board (Dubai Tourism and Commerce Marketing, to give it its proper title. See, even today I need to give the government its due respect!) True story.

 

[Circe]

Good point, Missy. Makes me annoyed too. In Europe when I had an appointment with someone I didn't know, he often asked me if my husband worked in the scientific industry too. As if he had to put his influence in to get me a job or something. I made sure to look extremely surprised when I said, "No. He works for a bank."

--- Laurie

D'oh. I've actually been using this one at my husband's company parties ever since the first one, where I asked his boss's wife what she did, and she responded with, a) a withering glare, and, b) the response that now that the kids were grown, mostly charity work, but she hadn't had a job in 25 years. At the time, I assumed that she had mixed feelings about being a SAHM (which, as you said in your first reply, probably says more about where my head was at at the time then it does about her), but I suppose she could also have been thinking that only plebes work, or, for that matter, that it was a boring question. But it's been a lifesaver for me - it doesn't put people on the spot like "What do you DO?!?" might, and it's generally a safe bet (his company is kind of .. incestuous - I think all of the couple friends we have through his work met through their work). In the future, I might modify it to something like "So, how do you occupy your time" - it never occurred to me that my asking, "So, do you also work in/for ____" could be the equivalent of asking if they were basically just spousal hires!

So why not steer the question in a direction that sparks an interesting conversation?

"By trade I am a forensic accountant. But my real passion is science fiction! In fact, I'm preparing a manuscript right now and shopping for a publisher. How about you?"

Assume the best in people and they might surprise you.

This answer, I love.

 

[packrat]

I am socially awkward. I do not enjoy meeting people. I do not like talking to people I do not know. Trying to find something to talk about w/people I do not know makes me want to vomit or cry. So, if I am someplace and introduced to someone, rather than stare uncomfortably at my surroundings and wish a hole would swallow me up, I will ask questions.

Where are you from? YES I WILL F-ING ASK THIS. Do you live here? Are you from here? (meaning THIS TOWN not this f-ing country, so I'll just get THAT out of the way shall I?) If you are not from here, I will ask if you are just visiting or did you move here?

See how this works is, this hopefully sparks a con-ver-sa-tion. Where us big kids talk about stuff. Whatcha do see, is I say something, and then you say something back, relating to what I said, and we have a meeting of the minds.

Oh, you're just visiting? Do you have relatives here? (meaning, might I know them, maybe we have that in common)
Oh, you moved here? Did you move for a job, or to be closer to someone here? (cuz there's no other earthly reason for anyone to move here, just so's ya know) Where did you move from?
Oh, you moved for a job-where do you work/what do you do?
Ah, I see, your husbands job, and you stay home w/the kids. I loved staying home w/my kids..how old are yours?

Small talk. Nobody is going to ask another person upon meeting them for the first time who their favorite Loony Tunes character is, or if they believe in God. Do you masturbate? This is also not an appropriate initial meeting question to ask of another person.

However, I find that people are becoming super touchy about everything anymore, so this makes it hard to initiate a conversation w/anyone other than people you've known for a while, for fear of offending or pissing someone off.

I'll just start asking people if they have a lot of money. Or how they stand on the death penalty. Or if they like oral sex. Cuz for whatever reason, those types of questions seem to not spark the instant rage and righteous indignation that innocuous questions do.