Do you mind the question, "What do you do?"

[rubyshoes]

You know, in the new year, when I'm not totally swamped at work and home, I will start a new thread in Hangout so you and I can connect through LT or DB (I hate the no private message policy!). I do need an editor to look at my stuff so... that would be awesome.

P.S. I too am a proud owner of the Infinity set in yg. Just need to take pix for SMTB. Will do if/when the sun actually comes out.

 

[Smith1942]

You know, in the new year, when I'm not totally swamped at work and home, I will start a new thread in Hangout so you and I can connect through LT or DB (I hate the no private message policy!). I do need an editor to look at my stuff so... that would be awesome.

P.S. I too am a proud owner of the Infinity set in yg. Just need to take pix for SMTB. Will do if/when the sun actually comes out.

Sure, be happy to! And I'll be gentle, I promise. You must be really keen in order to have written TWO novels! How long are they, and what's the vague subject? I know you probably don't want to go into specifics here, but just give me an idea. Cowboy novels? Romance novels? Mystery? Am very curious!

Congrats on your infinity set! Yay! Isn't it lovely?

 

[zoebartlett]

Smith, I'm late to replying to a statement you made, but you said a page earlier that the question "What do you do?" is closely linked to how much money a person makes. I don't think people having a typical conversation (to get to know you or just in general) automatically jump to that thought. Okay, so you feel your husband's parents are like that, but they must be the minority. I really think people are just curious and looking for common ground, something to talk about, etc. I don't see it as offensive at all.

Ditto Alj.

 

[Smith1942]

Smith, I'm late to replying to a statement you made, but you said a page earlier that the question "What do you do?" is closely linked to how much money a person makes. I don't think people having a typical conversation (to get to know you or just in general) automatically jump to that thought. Okay, so you feel your husband's parents are like that, but they must be the minority. I really think people are just curious and looking for common ground, something to talk about, etc. I don't see it as offensive at all.

Ditto Alj.

For some it's an innocent question, for others, not so much, and you can't tell. I think some people judge more than they let on.

I second what Andelain was saying, that sometimes she doesn't feel like going into details about what she does. I think people are too nosy these days in general, and ask too many questions. When I got married, I had no fewer than five people ask me how we'd arranged our finances and whether we had joint accounts.

I still think that questions about fun/hobbies/interests are better because they are about the person's individuality. And you don't risk asking what they do when they've just been laid off! (The past few years with the credit crunch made this scenario more relevant, of course.)

 

[pandabee]

Like others, I think it depends largely on the context. While I love what I do, I don't always like sharing it because I know people do automatically come to conclusions about how much money I make, especially since DBF and I are in the same profession so you can imagine double the salary of just one of us. We are in our mid-20s, just graduated so we are doing well for ourselves compared to others in our age range but we're quite frugal with our money so it's not like we're looking to throw money away or be pushed by salespeople to purchase something more expensive (i.e. at a car dealership or when talking with a realtor, for a few specific examples).

 

[msop04]

I usually don't mind the question itself. Sometimes I can get a little tired of explaining what I actually do at work because it sounds very abstract to someone who isn't in the industry. I don't find the question rude at all, but maybe that's just because I don't mind answering it.

But what about in these contexts?

- At the doctor's office. (Why, are you going to give me better care if I'm a lawyer rather than a road sweeper?)

I have gotten the question from doctors and the intent was not to chit chat or find health risks in my working environment. It was for the doctor to know at what level he was going to present information to me. If I work in health care he can use medical terms. If I have a higher education he assumes he can give complex information. If my occupation makes him doubt my intellectual capacity he will give a simplified explanation. It sounds harsh, but doctors have to explain medical conditions to all their patients in a way that the patient can understand, and knowing the patient's occupation gives a starting point on what level to explain things. I met a woman at the NICU who said that her baby weighed as much as a packet of milk. That was her level of understanding her baby's condition.

Exactly. People need to get off of their high horses, try to be subjective and use their brains in understanding why this question is necessary. Health care providers couldn't care less about your actual occupation (or lack thereof) -- environmental risks make a difference as to how we proceed with therapy or even diagnose you. There is also important counseling that is given in the medical field... it is imperative that it is understood by the patient. We don't ask to know how much money you make, we ask so that we can try our best to ensure that the patient is getting the absolute best and complete medical care possible. Nothing more, nothing less.

I think people have become WAAAYYYY too touchy and self-important. It's not personal all the time -- not even most of the time -- and contrary to what some may believe, it's not all about you. If I were a person that took offense to almost everything that was said to me, it might be in my best interests to just avoid a potential conversation with anyone... or maybe just avoid people in general.

 

[packrat]

thank you msop, another voice of reason.

 

[msop04]

...... I'd rather be allowed a chance to define myself in conversation with a new person rather than having my job do it for me.

Well, in order to define yourself in conversation, you first have to BE in conversation, and that's less likely to happen if the very entry questions that lead to the conversation are offensive.

I don't mean to be pointed, but it seems the reason for the offense is that you're going in with a presumed expectation of being judged. What would happen if you went into it instead with the presumption that people you don't know are looking to find common ground with you and become friendly? Maybe not everyone else is like your family in wanting to judge????

This. Exactly what alj said.

 

[msop04]

thank you msop, another voice of reason.

No problem, packrat. It's just so frustrating and tiring to read where some people have the potential to take offense to literally anything that is said. Sometimes it may be best not to speak to anyone -- wait, then they'd probably think we're being snobbish and judging them.

Goodness, ya just can't win with some people, KWIM?!

 

[Smith1942]

I disagree, I think it's so much nicer to ask questions about people's interests and hobbies, which gives a much greater chance of getting to know their individual quirks and talents.

 

[packrat]

That's why I fall back on the humor/sarcasm...just can't win for losing sometimes.

 

[monarch64]

I was going to include another experience of mine with this question when I responded way upthread, but I couldn't decide exactly how to put it. I think I have it figured out now, so here goes:

When I first met my ex-husband, it was late at night and we were at a bar in a major U.S. city just being young and carefree (well, I was). I never asked him what he did. In my experience, most men I met back then brought it up first and made sure to tell me what they did so I would be impressed. My ex-husband never mentioned it. So, a week or two later when he was expressing that he was falling in love with me and that I was different from the women he usually met because the first thing they always asked was "what do you do for a living?" I was just relieved that he hadn't started talking about himself and his career immediately.

I don't think it's the worst question in the world, but there are definitely certain times you can tell when the other person is fishing to see if you suit their needs. I have an acquaintance who, while she has done very well for herself financially, has just gone through her 3rd divorce. When searching for new potential partners, she has a very definite figure in mind of what the potential suitor must earn per year or she will not consider him. So, I'm sure she is one of the people who puts others in a box when asking the question. They do exist!

 

[LLJsmom]

Nah, I don't care. Maybe they are asking to start conversation. Or maybe there are asking to be nosy, or judgmental. They can draw whatever conclusions about me. If I don't know them, I don't care what they think. But not answering makes me feel like I am not being me. So I tell them, and they can think whatever. And if they draw an incorrect assumption based on my answer, it's just amusing and is something for me and my DH to laugh over.

 

[aljdewey]

I disagree, I think it's so much nicer to ask questions about people's interests and hobbies, which gives a much greater chance of getting to know their individual quirks and talents.

I can fully appreciate that's what you think, and I respect that. But the reality is, not everyone else thinks like you, and if you want to socialize with others, it requires a tolerance and patience to accept that others' approaches may be different from yours. There is no one definitive right approach, after all.

I nearly said this in another thread, but I honestly do find that people see exactly what they want to see in others. If you are looking for insult and offense, that's what you'll see in most people. If you are looking for genuine interest and sincerity, that's what you'll see in most people.

 

[Rhea]

I find that Britains tend to ask less than Americans from the SE where I'm originally from. I'm not overly bothered about the question but I'm never sure how to answer it as my job brings up politics very quickly. It's fine with friends but extended family and people I don't know can start expressing opinions that I don't agree with and it can be uncomfortable figuring out how to get out of the conversation. I've had to attempt to politely extract myself from conversations with my mother's friends and my uncle on more than one occasion.

 

[Karl_K]

I hate that question....
I answer computer consultant - I hear all about their slow slow computer and they want me to tell them how to fix "it gives me some strange error message" in 10 words or less. I just want to say in a loud voice...stop surfing **** sites and you wont get that error.

If I tell them I'm a Diamond designer they want details then they tell me all the horror stories they ever heard about jewelers. on and on and on and on. Till I want to jump in the pond and swim away and if there isn't a pond to dig one.

So I just answer professional geek 9 times out of 10 they go oh ok and move on to something else. lol

 

[Smith1942]

It's interesting that quite a few people have said that they are uncomfortable with the question, and also that a few others also have found it to be a status-seeking question on occasion. Clearly, it isn't just me who doesn't really like it. I mean, it's not the worst question ever, but I'd just rather be asked about something a bit more fun, like my interests.

Karl, your **** example is absolutely hilarious!

I'm a book editor. They say everybody's got a book in them, and when they hear what I do, I hear all about it. And then they want my contact details, etc etc. And if they don't have a book in them, you can bet that their friend, or their aunt, or their best friend's brother's uncle's cousin has.

 

[TooPatient]

It's interesting that quite a few people have said that they are uncomfortable with the question, and also that a few others also have found it to be a status-seeking question on occasion. Clearly, it isn't just me who doesn't really like it. I mean, it's not the worst question ever, but I'd just rather be asked about something a bit more fun, like my interests.

Karl, your **** example is absolutely hilarious!

I'm a book editor. They say everybody's got a book in them, and when they hear what I do, I hear all about it. And then they want my contact details, etc etc. And if they don't have a book in them, you can bet that their friend, or their aunt, or their best friend's brother's uncle's cousin has.

THAT is just tacky!

I've heard similar stories from others. I don't think asking the question (What do you do?) is rude, but I do think trying to take advantage of a person like that is!

We do know a couple of doctor/dentist sorts socially. I have NEVER spoken to them of my health and choose to work with someone else to keep that social/professional relationship separate. Same goes for other people! It would NEVER cross my mind to ask someone to help me in a professional way. I may mention a project I'm working on just in conversation but no more so than I would with anyone who doesn't work in that particular area. If they offer to take a look or put me in contact with someone great but I'm not about to suggest it or push the issue. Even if they did offer, I'd be a little hesitant because I'd hate to have bad feelings in a friendship if something didn't turn out to work.

 

[isaku5]

I was always proud to answer, " I'm a teacher." The next question was, "what grade do you teach? Grades nine to thirteen (back when we had a thirteen). Then, of course, it was about the subjects I taught. On it went until I commented that the individual must be looking at getting qualified to teach.

Invariably after that, the answer was never in a million years, but you have two months off in the summer hinting that I must lounge by the pool while enjoying a cold beverage.

The comments ended when the subject of 'salary' came up. I simply said that, I found it fair, but I wasn't there for the money: I just loved the job and the students and trying to keep one step ahead of those rascals.

 

[House Cat]

I hate that question....
I answer computer consultant - I hear all about their slow slow computer and they want me to tell them how to fix "it gives me some strange error message" in 10 words or less. I just want to say in a loud voice...stop surfing **** sites and you wont get that error.

If I tell them I'm a Diamond designer they want details then they tell me all the horror stories they ever heard about jewelers. on and on and on and on. Till I want to jump in the pond and swim away and if there isn't a pond to dig one.

So I just answer professional geek 9 times out of 10 they go oh ok and move on to something else. lol

 

[swingirl]

How should one answer that question if they don't work? Should they say "Nothing"?

Or what if your "job" isn't in your career field? Or if you are under employed? Awkward. If a question could cause embarrassment it shouldn't be asked. When getting to know someone they will tell you about themselves as the relationship is develops. You'll know soon enough what they "do" if they think it's important for you to know.

 

[rosetta]

Er, I have to ask about my patients' occupations. I'm about to give them some pretty toxic treatment so I'd like to gauge how this will affect their lives, jobs, family, everything. A large proportion will not be able to work through the treatment. We need to make a plan for 3, 6 months sometimes even a year ahead.

It has never, ever occurred to me that anyone would be offended by this question. To me, it's such a mundane small talk sort of question in social circles. I ask way more awkward and intrusive questions at work!

 

[Smith1942]

Er, I have to ask about my patients' occupations. I'm about to give them some pretty toxic treatment so I'd like to gauge how this will affect their lives, jobs, family, everything. A large proportion will not be able to work through the treatment. We need to make a plan for 3, 6 months sometimes even a year ahead.

It has never, ever occurred to me that anyone would be offended by this question. To me, it's such a mundane small talk sort of question in social circles. I ask way more awkward and intrusive questions at work!

But Rosetta, your patients are seriously ill and about to receive debilitating treatment. That's different. Why does my local GP need to know my job when there's nothing wrong with me and I'm just getting on their books so I can go for my annual check-up?

 

[Smith1942]

How should one answer that question if they don't work? Should they say "Nothing"?

Or what if your "job" isn't in your career field? Or if you are under employed? Awkward. If a question could cause embarrassment it shouldn't be asked. When getting to know someone they will tell you about themselves as the relationship is develops. You'll know soon enough what they "do" if they think it's important for you to know.

Quite.

 

[Smith1942]

I was always proud to answer, " I'm a teacher." The next question was, "what grade do you teach? Grades nine to thirteen (back when we had a thirteen). Then, of course, it was about the subjects I taught. On it went until I commented that the individual must be looking at getting qualified to teach.

Invariably after that, the answer was never in a million years, but you have two months off in the summer hinting that I must lounge by the pool while enjoying a cold beverage.

The comments ended when the subject of 'salary' came up. I simply said that, I found it fair, but I wasn't there for the money: I just loved the job and the students and trying to keep one step ahead of those rascals.

I think teachers everywhere are doomed to that stereotype, Isaku! Anyway, nothing wrong with a bit of extended lounging, if you ask me. We only get one life - why should we work till we drop 52 weeks of the year?

What subjects did you teach?

Teaching seems to be getting more dangerous, with the school shootings. This week, a student went in search of the school librarian with a shotgun because the librarian had kicked him off the debate team. And a few weeks ago in my state, a student brutally murdered a teacher in a bathroom after school.Then there's all the mass school shootings. I think teachers should start getting danger money!

How is your health? I think of you often.

 

[rosetta]

Er, I have to ask about my patients' occupations. I'm about to give them some pretty toxic treatment so I'd like to gauge how this will affect their lives, jobs, family, everything. A large proportion will not be able to work through the treatment. We need to make a plan for 3, 6 months sometimes even a year ahead.

It has never, ever occurred to me that anyone would be offended by this question. To me, it's such a mundane small talk sort of question in social circles. I ask way more awkward and intrusive questions at work!

But Rosetta, your patients are seriously ill and about to receive debilitating treatment. That's different. Why does my local GP need to know my job when there's nothing wrong with me and I'm just getting on their books so I can go for my annual check-up?

Because they also need your full occupational health records. For example, your GP will need to know if you've had occupational exposure to asbestos if you present with weight loss, cough or haemoptysis. My husband is a GP. He has several severely depressed patients. All of them are investment bankers working in the city, every single one of them presented with a trivial unrelated symptom and knowing their occupation meant he asked focused questions that brought out the truth. He will ask if you work with birds if he thinks you have psittacosis. Perhaps you work in a factory packing cans and could have leptospirosis. He diagnosed Lyme disease in a patient who worked in the New Forest.

Doctors are building a picture of you as soon as you walk in the door. The picture will get adjusted as they get to know you. It has absolutely nothing to do with judging you in any way. Your occupation doesn't always have any bearing on your health, but sometimes it does. We won't know unless we ask you though.

 

[Smith1942]

Er, I have to ask about my patients' occupations. I'm about to give them some pretty toxic treatment so I'd like to gauge how this will affect their lives, jobs, family, everything. A large proportion will not be able to work through the treatment. We need to make a plan for 3, 6 months sometimes even a year ahead.

It has never, ever occurred to me that anyone would be offended by this question. To me, it's such a mundane small talk sort of question in social circles. I ask way more awkward and intrusive questions at work!

But Rosetta, your patients are seriously ill and about to receive debilitating treatment. That's different. Why does my local GP need to know my job when there's nothing wrong with me and I'm just getting on their books so I can go for my annual check-up?

Because they also need your full occupational health records. For example, your GP will need to know if you've had occupational exposure to asbestos if you present with weight loss, cough or haemoptysis. My husband is a GP. He has several severely depressed patients. All of them are investment bankers working in the city, every single one of them presented with a trivial unrelated symptom and knowing their occupation meant he asked focused questions that brought out the truth. He will ask if you work with birds if he thinks you have psittacosis. Perhaps you work in a factory packing cans and could have leptospirosis. He diagnosed Lyme disease in a patient who worked in the New Forest.

Doctors are building a picture of you as soon as you walk in the door. The picture will get adjusted as they get to know you. It has absolutely nothing to do with judging you in any way. Your occupation doesn't always have any bearing on your health, but sometimes it does. We won't know unless we ask you though.

Yes, I see. Interesting!

 

[rosetta]

Er, I have to ask about my patients' occupations. I'm about to give them some pretty toxic treatment so I'd like to gauge how this will affect their lives, jobs, family, everything. A large proportion will not be able to work through the treatment. We need to make a plan for 3, 6 months sometimes even a year ahead.

It has never, ever occurred to me that anyone would be offended by this question. To me, it's such a mundane small talk sort of question in social circles. I ask way more awkward and intrusive questions at work!

But Rosetta, your patients are seriously ill and about to receive debilitating treatment. That's different. Why does my local GP need to know my job when there's nothing wrong with me and I'm just getting on their books so I can go for my annual check-up?

Because they also need your full occupational health records. For example, your GP will need to know if you've had occupational exposure to asbestos if you present with weight loss, cough or haemoptysis. My husband is a GP. He has several severely depressed patients. All of them are investment bankers working in the city, every single one of them presented with a trivial unrelated symptom and knowing their occupation meant he asked focused questions that brought out the truth. He will ask if you work with birds if he thinks you have psittacosis. Perhaps you work in a factory packing cans and could have leptospirosis. He diagnosed Lyme disease in a patient who worked in the New Forest.

Doctors are building a picture of you as soon as you walk in the door. The picture will get adjusted as they get to know you. It has absolutely nothing to do with judging you in any way. Your occupation doesn't always have any bearing on your health, but sometimes it does. We won't know unless we ask you though.

Yes, I see. Interesting!

Outside of work, I do see your point about it being a nosey question. But my view is this: I'm not sure whether this person is asking it to be nosey, to gauge if they are wealthier/poorer than me, are genuinely interested, or have no other small talk at all. I just give them the benefit of the doubt and chalk it down to to small talk!

 

[Karl_K]

Doctors are building a picture of you as soon as you walk in the door. The picture will get adjusted as they get to know you. It has absolutely nothing to do with judging you in any way. Your occupation doesn't always have any bearing on your health, but sometimes it does. We won't know unless we ask you though.

I have had Doctors ask me computer questions(what to buy, how to fix and so forth) and one even went and got his laptop during my appointment and I fixed it for him.
At the time I didn't really think anything of it but afterwards was like what? did that just happen.
When I was doing more home user support I had many Doctors for clients but that was the only one who asked me to fix a computer in the treatment room while I was there as a patient.

 

[isaku5]

I was always proud to answer, " I'm a teacher." The next question was, "what grade do you teach? Grades nine to thirteen (back when we had a thirteen). Then, of course, it was about the subjects I taught. On it went until I commented that the individual must be looking at getting qualified to teach.

Invariably after that, the answer was never in a million years, but you have two months off in the summer hinting that I must lounge by the pool while enjoying a cold beverage.

The comments ended when the subject of 'salary' came up. I simply said that, I found it fair, but I wasn't there for the money: I just loved the job and the students and trying to keep one step ahead of those rascals.

I think teachers everywhere are doomed to that stereotype, Isaku! Anyway, nothing wrong with a bit of extended lounging, if you ask me. We only get one life - why should we work till we drop 52 weeks of the year?

What subjects did you teach?

Teaching seems to be getting more dangerous, with the school shootings. This week, a student went in search of the school librarian with a shotgun because the librarian had kicked him off the debate team. And a few weeks ago in my state, a student brutally murdered a teacher in a bathroom after school.Then there's all the mass school shootings. I think teachers should start getting danger money!

How is your health? I think of you often.

Hi Smith1942

I taught English and French mainly, but was also qualified in latin and history.

My health right now is not too bad, but I notice from month to month I'm weaker and more tired. I do what I want to do now not so much what I feel I should do. DH has been very supportive and helpful.

I can't plan in advance so no more concerts, travels - pretty well everything I used to enjoy is out.
Bummer.

Nevertheless, I have lots of pleasant memories of things we used to do and enjoy! No weeping here.