alli_esq
Brilliant_Rock
- Joined
- Mar 18, 2008
- Messages
- 909
I decided that this is such a long question, I'm going to break it up into two parts in here, and then add a second post with my other question since it's a little different than these two. I would be so so happy to get some advice from people who have been married for longer than I have, though--this is so complicated and is a very emotional issue for DH and myself...and I just would love to hear what y'all have to say about it:
1. Being independent people and not super young when we got married (I'm 29 and he's 33), DH and I have always had our individual accounts, paid our individual bills and saved in our individual accounts. Meanwhile, we have lived together for over 3 years and split 50-50 ALL of our joint expenses during that time (even during periods when I was a student and then again when I was unemployed/employed part-time).
However, the only way that I have found for us to make sure that we are splitting rent, food expenses, bills for the apartment, etc. (since DH has always made more than I have since we got together, and I have many tens of thousands of dollars more than he does in student loans) has been to literally keep a running tally of what we "owe" each other.
This is effective in assuring us that we are splitting the bills 50-50, but it is very time consuming and rather unpleasant for me. However, because we have a small budget and my discretionary income is very limited, what with all my responsibilities to my student loans (I make at least $800-$1,000 less than he does every month, and I owe at least $800 more in student loans than he does each month--neither of us has credit card debt), I don't see any other way for this to work. I keep track of every dime I spend, whereas DH just gets a general idea of what he spends and doesn't stress about it, since he is contributing both to his 401(k) and his savings account each month. If we were to both contribute the same amount to a joint checking account from which we paid rent, utilities, groceries, restaurant, etc. expenses for when we're together, I would probably be without any extra money for myself to do other things, and I would constantly be afraid that we were going over our budget, since DH doesn't balance a checkbook at all and doesn't keep receipts.
So, the first issue I have is that I don't know how to combine our income in such a way that I wouldn't have to constantly be adding and subtracting what we "owe" one another, but at the same time, I do not want to have to be concerned that we are spending more than we have budgeted. As it is, I am constantly checking my accounts and balancing my checkbook, making sure that I know exactly how much I have to spend on discretionary things like going out to dinner, to movies, etc., and if I did not have a strong handle on that, I am certain I would occasionally go over my budget, which is something I never (or at least VERY rarely) do now. Any ideas?
2. We have a joint savings account, but that has only basically been for wedding gifts and this last year's tax refund. DH is in a position to save each month, but he puts the money he saves into his separate savings account. I, on the other hand, have not been in a position to save anything (not for retirement, not for anything really) in about a year due to un- and under-employment. Now that I am more regularly employed, however, I am trying to catch up with my student loans, and because of that, I have VERY little room in my budget for anything discretionary, and I don't anticipate being able to save anything at all until the winter.
DH has a lot of emotional issues tied to money (short version: his parents and grandmother threw him out of their homes when he got out of college and while he always worked multiple jobs at a time, because he had accumulated so much student debt, he legitimately feared homelessness for many years--really, until his late 20s when he got the job he has now), and I know he does not feel comfortable being the only one saving between us, and putting that money into a joint account. I certainly don't want to have to convince him that that is the "right" thing to do if he doesn't feel comfortable with it.
I am wondering--although I know most of you out there who are married have situations where you feel that all of your and your SO's income is both of yours...is this something that I can introduce into our relationship reasonably at a time when I am unable to save and he is saving all the money between us? I do not want to spend his money, and I intend to remain solely responsible for my own student debt (as I made the decision to accumulate that debt before I met him), but having grown up in a house where all income was joint income (i.e. my dad worked and my mom didn't), I feel that until we combine finances, DH are still just sort of "playing house" and aren't MARRIED in the conventional way I have always had in my mind. What would you do?
1. Being independent people and not super young when we got married (I'm 29 and he's 33), DH and I have always had our individual accounts, paid our individual bills and saved in our individual accounts. Meanwhile, we have lived together for over 3 years and split 50-50 ALL of our joint expenses during that time (even during periods when I was a student and then again when I was unemployed/employed part-time).
However, the only way that I have found for us to make sure that we are splitting rent, food expenses, bills for the apartment, etc. (since DH has always made more than I have since we got together, and I have many tens of thousands of dollars more than he does in student loans) has been to literally keep a running tally of what we "owe" each other.
This is effective in assuring us that we are splitting the bills 50-50, but it is very time consuming and rather unpleasant for me. However, because we have a small budget and my discretionary income is very limited, what with all my responsibilities to my student loans (I make at least $800-$1,000 less than he does every month, and I owe at least $800 more in student loans than he does each month--neither of us has credit card debt), I don't see any other way for this to work. I keep track of every dime I spend, whereas DH just gets a general idea of what he spends and doesn't stress about it, since he is contributing both to his 401(k) and his savings account each month. If we were to both contribute the same amount to a joint checking account from which we paid rent, utilities, groceries, restaurant, etc. expenses for when we're together, I would probably be without any extra money for myself to do other things, and I would constantly be afraid that we were going over our budget, since DH doesn't balance a checkbook at all and doesn't keep receipts.
So, the first issue I have is that I don't know how to combine our income in such a way that I wouldn't have to constantly be adding and subtracting what we "owe" one another, but at the same time, I do not want to have to be concerned that we are spending more than we have budgeted. As it is, I am constantly checking my accounts and balancing my checkbook, making sure that I know exactly how much I have to spend on discretionary things like going out to dinner, to movies, etc., and if I did not have a strong handle on that, I am certain I would occasionally go over my budget, which is something I never (or at least VERY rarely) do now. Any ideas?
2. We have a joint savings account, but that has only basically been for wedding gifts and this last year's tax refund. DH is in a position to save each month, but he puts the money he saves into his separate savings account. I, on the other hand, have not been in a position to save anything (not for retirement, not for anything really) in about a year due to un- and under-employment. Now that I am more regularly employed, however, I am trying to catch up with my student loans, and because of that, I have VERY little room in my budget for anything discretionary, and I don't anticipate being able to save anything at all until the winter.
DH has a lot of emotional issues tied to money (short version: his parents and grandmother threw him out of their homes when he got out of college and while he always worked multiple jobs at a time, because he had accumulated so much student debt, he legitimately feared homelessness for many years--really, until his late 20s when he got the job he has now), and I know he does not feel comfortable being the only one saving between us, and putting that money into a joint account. I certainly don't want to have to convince him that that is the "right" thing to do if he doesn't feel comfortable with it.
I am wondering--although I know most of you out there who are married have situations where you feel that all of your and your SO's income is both of yours...is this something that I can introduce into our relationship reasonably at a time when I am unable to save and he is saving all the money between us? I do not want to spend his money, and I intend to remain solely responsible for my own student debt (as I made the decision to accumulate that debt before I met him), but having grown up in a house where all income was joint income (i.e. my dad worked and my mom didn't), I feel that until we combine finances, DH are still just sort of "playing house" and aren't MARRIED in the conventional way I have always had in my mind. What would you do?