Childhood punishments

[luckystar112]

Kind of feeding off another thread here....I''m kind of interested in knowing how you were disciplined as a child. Were you spanked? Do you think it''s okay to spank your kids? How much is TOO much?

In my case I was spanked, but only a handful of times. My mother used it as an absolute last resort, and because of that I can practically tell you the circumstances around every time it happened.
She would ask me to stop whatever bad thing I was doing.
If I wouldn''t stop, she''d repeat herself.
If I STILL didn''t stop, she''d warn me (very calmly) that if I kept it up I was going to get a spanking. Then she would make me repeat her words back to her to make sure I heard her.
Only then, if I kept it up, did I get a spanking...and only after she reminded me that she told me that was what was going to happen.

And when I got spanked I had to lean over my bed with my pants and underwear on...and she cupped her hand. It never hurt...I was more embarressed and mad at her than anything else.

I plan on using that same strategy with my kids.

I can only think of one time I ever got grounded. I was in the seventh grade and I got caught smoking a cigarette. I was grounded for one month. I missed halloween.

Mostly, my mother''s number one method of punishment, was making me sit in the living room with her where she would give me these "talks". OH MAN.....I do NOT miss those talks. Sometimes she would yell, depending on how mad she was. Sometimes she would cry, depending on how dissappointed she was. I HATED having those talks with her. I would have to be completely silent while she went off on me for an hour. It was more annoying than anything else. But hey, I guess it''s better she vented her frustration that way then pulling out a paddle.

Lastly, I didn''t earn my privacy until I was in high school. Anything in my room or backpack before that was open to investigation at any time. I absolutley hated it, but looking back I realize that it was a smart thing to do. A lot of the stuff she found ended up being the subject of one of our "talks" and I really think she prevented me from being a drug addicted teen mother. Not that I was into drugs...but if she didn''t care I could have been one day!

So, I appreciate how I was raised and plan on doing the same for my kids. I think I turned out okay! lol. Maybe I should tell her that...hmmmm.

 

[Maisie]

I was spanked very occasionally as a small child.

It was when my mother married her second husband when I was about ten that the hitting started for me. It was too hard and across the face. Back hands hurt the most. I hated him so much. He even hit me when I was pregnant with my first child (I was 18 and still living at home).

I don't spank my children at all. I don't feel that its appropriate as a punishment. I hate the thought of hurting the children to make them do as I ask. I sit them down and talk to them. James is 2 1/2 and we just remove him to the sofa for some time out if he is being naughty. I have five children and they are extremely well behaved. They and their feelings are respected by my husband and myself. We share an open and honest relationship and we can discuss anything.

I honestly don't agree with spanking - however softly you do it.

Thats just my opinion though

 

[lumpkin]

My mom tended to spank or hit, but that's how things were done when I was a kid.

My kids respond pretty well to losing TV, computer and video games. But I think littler kids need more immediate consequences. And I don't mean a beating. I generally do what your mom did (ETA: Monarch and Luckystar, not Maisie! Oh, geesh I'm making a mess -- I mean not what your stepdad did Maisie) -- I think it's best to warn first, several times, then it's a single spank with an open hand. One of my husband's friends said they had a workshop at church and said it was best to spank with something other than your hand so the child doesn't confuse your hand for anything but a loving touch. Well, ummm BULL! My mom used a yard stick (not very often but I still remember each and every time) when I was a kid, and I had absolutely no confusion as to who was wielding that yard stick. Things were done differently when I was a kid. I do not believe it's good to use an implement to spank with.

I usually hear when my kdis are disciplined at school -- they no longer allow corporal (spanking, paddling, etc.) punishment at school. I would not punish again, unless it was something severe, but we do talk it over and go over what else they could/should have done.

From my experience, setting ground rules ahead of time and making sure my kids understand what is expected when we go somewhere helps a lot. Letting them know what kinds of things to expect in a new situation helps. Paying attention to them helps -- my younger one will act out a lot more when he feels he's being ignored. A lot of times we can avoid a problem before one comes up, and I try to do that. Sometimes my kids just test me though, to see if I'm going to follow through, especially if it's something they THINK I might waffle on (which I do on occasion

).

 

[rainbowtrout]

Neither of my parents hit me, ever.
The worst punishment for me was that they would hide the phone away/turn off the Internet and not let me call my boyfriend to explain why I hadn't called him that night. That used to infuriate me. Mom would also cry and just be act totally heartbroken, yadda yadda--eventually when I realised she could turn on the spigots for policemen too, this made me mad as well since it felt like manipulation. Sometimes they would threaten to give away my cat if I didn't do my chores, etc. And god forbid if I made a B on a test, ever!

But honestly I have to say it didn't make me do whatever made them mad LESS, it made me do it MORE, because I was so angry. I think it was the hormones, or maybe I am just contrary. When I was not a hormone crazed teen, all they usually had to do was explain why they were disappointed and voila. Luckily for them I was a pretty good teen, so doing things "more" was stuff like showing up 15 mins late to be picked up after school. Rude, but not dangerous.

I think if they had spanked me, especially when I was older, it would have had an adverse effect. The few times my mother whacked me, when I wasn't shocked, I whacked her back (also a teen at the time). Then she cried, of course. Bleh.

My father has a different take on it with my brother (traditional Italian, I guess no hitting daughters, but boys is OK), and I have seen them nearly come to fistfights because neither of them will back down. This is really, really not healthy.
The result of this was that my brother got used to violence, and smacked my stepmother one day because she was yelling at him. With my mom the exchange for violence never being OK for me was that it was also never OK for HER (the few times she smacked me were seriously an exception or she was drugged out for legitimate health reasons, etc). Otherwise the message is that when you're big you can hit people too...But from even having spent the amount of time I have with dad's family, I find that I have to resist the urge to hit people sometimes, just because that was seen as an ok problem resolution tactic. Have a problem at school? Beat the kid up, don't look weak. Have a problem on the street? Beat the kid up. My brother came to dad one day asking to borrow the brass knuckles to go beat up a rival skinhead!!

Dad didn't give them to him, but he still got into the fight and then kicked the kid with steel toed boots when he was down.

So....violence is bad. Obviously situations like the OP's mother are an exception.

 

[laine]

A few punishments stand out in my mind. Stomping up the stairs (like when sent to my room) meant I had to walk up and down them 5 or 10 times without making noise. Slamming my door meant opening and closing it 10 times quietly. All of which is so hard to do when you''re really mad.

We also used to get pepper on our tongues (instead of soap) for back talking. I suppose that could be why I hate spicy stuff today.

 

[snogirl17]

i got spanked when i deserved it (and i know i did)... i turned out just fine.
what i don''t agree with is the parents that do it publicly, that humiliates the child.
Yes i know people take it to far, but i don''t see anything wrong with a little putsch after attempts to try something else.

 

[rainbowtrout]

I think the big deal is to never, ever hit/spank your child while you are still angry at them. Sets up a whole different dynamic.

 

[Mara]

i was spanked, and quite often as well!! i was really mischevious as a child and i am sure my poor mom had her hands full, esp as she was a single parent. mostly i was just really hyper, they'd probably term me with ADD now, but i just was really active and hyper and impish. so yeah i got spanked a lot. honestly, and i know it's a topic many have opinions on, but i definitely believe in a few swats on the butt now and then. while i don't think it kept me from acting up necessarily, i definitely always knew what the consequence was. my mom also did a lot of the 'i'm counting to three' now thing, and that i do remember was a pretty good way of keeping me in line, i mean i didn't WANT to get spanked because yeah, it burned! but i'd pretty much dance around and do whatever til 2.5 and then act good at 3. and if i was out she'd do it in public i'm sure. i try to think about how much work i was when getting her mother's day gift each year hehee.

lol how funny to remember the days!!! i am sure once we have a kid i am going to get all my impish high energy kid karma back at me and have some little hellion! yikes. i do think it can make a difference if you are really angry when you do it...vs a more 'discipline' kind of approach. the funniest thing i remember is that my mom would always threaten me with the 'belt with spikes' even though it never actually materialized. i was scared of that thing for years!! once when i was about 7, i sneaked into her closet while she was gone to look for it and all i found was a pink leather belt with raised rivet round studs. i was like hmm is this it?? she finally admitted when i was older there never was a belt with spikes. foiled!

 

[KimberlyH]

I was hit a sum total of 5 times. Included in those were being slapped across the face twice in one sitting by my mom (she was braiding my hair and I wouldn''t stop whining, I always wanted it perfect, and she slapped me from behind on each cheek out of frustration) and once by my dad (we were at a friend''s house and I wouldn''t stop screaming "I hate her," her being my sister. My mom used to pinch the back of my arm when we were misbehaving in public (e.g. the grocery store) as she could do so discreetly and make her point. It hurt and it shut us up.

They made us sit in chairs in the living room and kitchen, away from one another, when we fought.

If we got bad grades, anything lower than a C, we lost all priveleges until our next report card came out. Now TV, no telephone, no seeing friends. That was the harshest punishment, and most effective. I only got on D and it was a B by the time my punishment was up.

Do I think they were effective? As I said, the punishment for grades worked the best. I can understand why a parent might spank, but if I have kids it''s not something I would do for a myriad of reasons. My parents both slapped me out of frustration, not as punishment, which is the worst reason to hit in my mind.

Overall I was a good kid, did what I was told and stayed out of trouble, and my sister was a bit wild (especially during HS) and we were treated the same (meaning punished the same way for same infractions, etc.). Nothing phased her, she''d do something she wasn''t supposed to, get grounded, serve her punishment and then do something else she wasn''t supposed to. She never got mad, doing the thing she shouldn''t of was worth the two weeks of being grounded for her.

I think punshments have to be determined based on the child''s personality, there is no pat answer about what is right and wrong. My husband was hit and has told me that he can''t imagine his parents being able to have controlled his behavior if they didn''t. It''s a good thing we agree we wouldn''t hit our own kids though.

This is an interesting subject as I don''t resent my parents or think they were wrong for spanking/hitting me and my sister and I both turned out to be good people but it''s not the way I would deal with my own kids.

 

[Aloros]

I was spanked a little bit, and nothing that ever really hurt...it was mostly startling.

The punishment my mom came up with later though, was pretty great (I mean in retrospect...it wasn''t great at the time!). If we were throwing a temper tantrum, she would take photographs...ones she''d show to us later.

Realizing exactly how ridiculous you look ends a tantrum pretty quickly. No one wants their picture taken when they''re red-faced, on the ground, kicking and screaming.

 

[oshinbreez]

My sister, brother, and I were spanked when we were young. When we got older, we got grounded. No tv, no phone, no going anywhere, no friends over, nothing. We were always warned before any punishment took place.

When I had kids, I did the same thing. I had a wood cutting board that I cut in half and put the kids name on "their" paddle. I let them decorate them. Both of them wrote "I love you Mommy" and put hearts and flowers on them. All I would have to do was pick up the paddle, and they''d quit whatever they were doing.

Up until a certain age, kids don''t understand and their memory is so short, that talking to doesn''t work. A swat to the butt does work. Or a smack on the hand also works. When the kid gets older, then talking to and time out will work. But, the main thing is to teach kids respect. "Don''t talk when others are talking." "Don''t back talk". "Share" When I see a kid back talking and cussing their parents, I feel like slapping them across the face. Both the kids and the parents. When mine decided to throw a temper tantrum because they didn''t get what they wanted, I gave them a good spanking so they had something to cry about. They only did it a few times. And I wouldn''t give in to them. I was consistent with the rules, and both my son and daughter had the same rules. They both had responsibilities. I was a pretty strict parent, and my kids hated me at times. There were times when they told me I was the "meanest mom in the world". I''d smile and say "Thank you. I''m doing my job".

 

[NYCsparkle]

we had a lot of the 1..2...3....and we almost never got to 3. my sister got whacked with my moms flip flop a few times and she''d chase me with it, but i was too fast

. it was the basic groundings and taking away stuff in our house.

 

[VegasAngel]

Well, my mother was a hair puller. I think we were spanked here & there I dont remember though. My father was verbally abusive more than anything-he was always screaming at the top of his lungs & had quite a temper- I unfortunately aquired his yelling/bad temper.

My daughter is 16 months old. I often think about the best way to discipline. She is quite the handful & can pretty much drive the most calm person crazy. I really, really dont want to spank because I know in my case it would be out of anger & besides that when I think hard about it, Why is ok to hit someone? Is that what I want to teach her? To hit when she is trying to get her point across? I also dont want to scream/yell which when she doesnt quit, is what I have been doing. I have been wanting to get a Supernanny/Nanny 911 book-I need to do it.

 

[divergrrl]

I wasn''t spanked...I was beat--daily. My mom even sent me to the ER for stitches in my upper lip when I was 5. (still have scar & missing part of my lip). She was nuts though & always lost it (for offenses like leaving a glass in the sink instead of dishwasher, or not moving a decorative plant to vacuum underneath it during my daily vacuuming chore) and would pull me around the house by my hair beating & slapping my head, neck, back, etc. until I was 16 and got taller than her and fought back once.

I became a rebellious child, part of it was my nature, part was her reluctance to let me leave the house, wear makeup in highschool, cut off my long hair (can you blame me? lol), so she had her hands full, but obviously did not have the coping skills to deal with learning how to discipline a child.

As a mother myself ( I waited until I was 34 to have my son because I was afraid of becoming her---telling my dh the whole way to Labor & Delivery that I changed my mind & didn''t think it was a good idea for us to have a baby...

) I leaned on my pediatrician a lot when it became clear that I would have to begin disciplining my toddler. He was great at recommending reading in child development & also told me that his philosophy is that spanking is never neccessary. (He''s an old New Yorker too...raised two daughters who are now out of college). Granted my experience with discipline only extends to that of a 2.5 year old, but I have had immense success with time-outs, and keeping his schedule consistent, as well as getting down on his level and talking TO him instead of AT him.

For me, this is a huge success, because many times I have felt my blood boil, the steam pour out of my ears & knew the Jekyll & Hyde transformation into my mother was a doorway I *could* walk through (as that is my "learned" behavior from growing up, therefore my knee-jerk reaction) and I am able to calm myself quickly and use my "tools" I''ve picked up from reading endless parenting books. I just read & read, file things away in my mental parenting tool box, pull them out as needed, see what works & discard the rest.

I know things will become more challenging as Jake gets older & new baby girl gets here, but I remind myself that you can discipline without humiliating or debasing your children. I am not here to be their buddy (and I am strict on my rules about what I consider important -- no hitting, no throwing food, no running in the street, wearing helmets on bikes, not climbing on furniture/counters) and I pride myself on my consistency. I don''t reward negative behavior (whining etc) and I am trying to teach him to be a good person & am teaching myself how to be one too in the process.

Intersting note, the word discipline is Latin, meaning "to teach". It doesn''t mean to beat the bejesus out of or belittle or create unreasonable fear.

Everything I''ve read says that spanking is an outdated form of discipline, and doing it when you are angry teaches your kids its ok to hit when you lose it, and waiting until you are calm is disturbing. It does not teach children to take responsibility for their actions or how to make good choices, which is far more important.

At any rate, I can never hit my kids. It goes so much deeper than just a swat on the bottom, its about a cycle of violence that spans generations that I have a responsibility to break. I''m just glad that current child development/psychology philosophy is with me on this one. It makes it easier for me.....

Diver

 

[FireGoddess]

I was spanked. And not a few times. Always on the bottom, never on the face.

I was also sent to my room. This was like TORTURE back then, considering there was no phone, no tv, no games, no nothing. I was lucky if there was a library book in there to read.

While I don''t agree with spanking and don''t intend to do that to my kids, I am appalled by the number of people who really need to DISCIPLINE their children, but don''t. Not ever telling a child no is NOT doing the kid any favors!

One of my nephews is hands down the most horrible little child I have ever met. I say that in all honesty. The kid SPAT in his grandmother''s face and tried to do the same to me, and his mother did not punish him. They are not American and don''t speak English, so I couldn''t say what I wanted to say to him (or do what I wanted to do - which was show him how that was NOT to be tolerated). I wanted to choke that kid. I saw him a year later and he had gotten better - apparently now that he was in school the other kids taught him a lesson or two...by hitting him back when he hit them. While I am glad he learned it somewhere....he should have been learning it at home.

 

[hlmr]

Date: 6/11/2007 12:33:16 PM
Author: divergrrl
I wasn''t spanked...I was beat--daily. My mom even sent me to the ER for stitches in my upper lip when I was 5. (still have scar & missing part of my lip). She was nuts though & always lost it (for offenses like leaving a glass in the sink instead of dishwasher, or not moving a decorative plant to vacuum underneath it during my daily vacuuming chore) and would pull me around the house by my hair beating & slapping my head, neck, back, etc. until I was 16 and got taller than her and fought back once.

Everything I''ve read says that spanking is an outdated form of discipline, and doing it when you are angry teaches your kids its ok to hit when you lose it, and waiting until you are calm is disturbing. It does not teach children to take responsibility for their actions or how to make good choices, which is far more important.

Honestly Jeannine, my heart breaks for you when I read how your Mom treated you. Considering your mother''s history and remembering what I''ve read here before about how she acts with your son sometimes, I would seriously question whether or not he and the new baby coming, should be left alone with her.

I was spanked as a child and my father used the belt and the stick sometimes, but always in anger. I agree 100% that waiting until you are calm to spank is very disturbing. I think for most parents spanking comes only when they have exhausted any other ideas that might get the behaviour to stop.

I did spank my son occasionally when he was younger, but I wished I hadn''t. I think at those times I took the easy way out for myself and released my frustration....I don''t think it did much for him in the way of learning. I really don''t believe it is necessary and it teaches children that the bigger, more powerful people in your life are allowed to hit you. To me, that''s a bad lesson to model. Children are so smart, and there are so many other ways to teach them what they need to learn without resorting to corporal punishment.

Also Maisie, my heart goes out to you too! Kudos on bringing up your children the way you feel is right in your heart and your mind.

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 6/11/2007 1:07:42 PM
Author: hlmr

Date: 6/11/2007 12:33:16 PM
Author: divergrrl
I wasn''t spanked...I was beat--daily. My mom even sent me to the ER for stitches in my upper lip when I was 5. (still have scar & missing part of my lip). She was nuts though & always lost it (for offenses like leaving a glass in the sink instead of dishwasher, or not moving a decorative plant to vacuum underneath it during my daily vacuuming chore) and would pull me around the house by my hair beating & slapping my head, neck, back, etc. until I was 16 and got taller than her and fought back once.

Everything I''ve read says that spanking is an outdated form of discipline, and doing it when you are angry teaches your kids its ok to hit when you lose it, and waiting until you are calm is disturbing. It does not teach children to take responsibility for their actions or how to make good choices, which is far more important.

Honestly Jeannine, my heart breaks for you when I read how your Mom treated you. Considering your mother''s history and remembering what I''ve read here before about how she acts with your son sometimes, I would seriously question whether or not he and the new baby coming, should be left alone with her.

I was spanked as a child and my father used the belt and the stick sometimes, but always in anger. I agree 100% that waiting until you are calm to spank is very disturbing. I think for most parents spanking comes only when they have exhausted any other ideas that might get the behaviour to stop.

Jeannine, I too am so sorry to read about how your mom treated you. It speaks volumes about you how you are committed to ending the cycle there and not doing the same to your own children.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

I can't speak as a parent, because I don't have any children yet, but I can say that I was spanked (and slapped, and punched and beaten) as a child. I can't see any difference between different levels or severity of corporal punishment, as far as I am concerned, it is assault and any is too much. That's my intuitive response, based on my experience rather than any moral or philosophical standpoint, and try as I do to see this from another perspective, I just can't. I can't say someone else is wrong or right in how they raise and discipline their child, all I can say is that is I personally was damaged by this. Even seeing this thread initially upset me a little. When I do have children, I can never risk leaving them alone with my parents. This will cause no end of grief for all of us, but because as far as they are concerned, they were doing the right thing, I could never trust or respect them. I left home the minute I was legally able to (at 16) and although we keep in touch, I have never been back since.

Jen

 

[Haven]

I was NEVER hit, spanked, slapped, or yelled at as a child. My parents remained extremely calm, they never let the situation escalate, and they always spoke to me in a respectful tone. I''m sure it was difficult for them to always keep their cool, (and when I hit a parked car the DAY I got my license my mother ALMOST lost it) but I think their parenting skills really paid off in the end.

Now I''m a very calm adult, and I''m able to approach situations rationally, even when I''m extremely upset. I''m not a parent, so I cannot speak from parenting experience, but I DO teach at-risk high school freshmen and sophomores, and they DO try very hard to get me angry. These kids are gangbangers, and they''re used to being screamed at by adults. In my experience, the teachers who yell and scream and allow the situation to escalate are the ones who have more behavior problems, and students that disrespect them. My students can be a handful at times, but I always treat them with respect, and I would NEVER yell at them. In return, they ACTUALLY listen to what I have to say, and I think it''s because I don''t use anger to punish them.

I can''t imagine spanking my child, but then again, I can''t even imagine having a child of my own. I''m sure it''s extremely difficult to decide how to discipline your children.

What an interesting glimpse into people''s past--thank you for sharing such personal (and sometimes painful) memories.

 

[surfgirl]

We got spanked when we were told to do/not do something repeatedly. It was a last resort and we probably deserved it. Always on the butt and I think we both turned out like normal well adjusted adults. I see no problem with spanking and quite frankly, I see kids on a daily basis who could do with a good swat across the butt. I see WAY too many bad parenting episodes going on in real life where the parents just let the kids do whatever they please without any repercussions. And then there''s the issue of hollow threats and no follow through. It seems to be a national epidemic right now. Kids need boundaries and discipline, IMO.

 

[Maisie]

Date: 6/11/2007 4:16:22 PM
Author: surfgirl
We got spanked when we were told to do/not do something repeatedly. It was a last resort and we probably deserved it. Always on the butt and I think we both turned out like normal well adjusted adults. I see no problem with spanking and quite frankly, I see kids on a daily basis who could do with a good swat across the butt. I see WAY too many bad parenting episodes going on in real life where the parents just let the kids do whatever they please without any repercussions. And then there''s the issue of hollow threats and no follow through. It seems to be a national epidemic right now. Kids need boundaries and discipline, IMO.

I agree with you here. There are far too many mothers doing the whole ''Jonny mummy doesn''t want you to keep hitting Billy.... now come on darling stop it........... mummy is getting cross now............ stop it now or mummy really will get cross ....'' and so on. No consequences for their actions and most of the time mummy is sitting with her head in her hands wondering where she went wrong.

For me its a personal choice to find another way to discipline other than spanking. My kids are upset enough if I tell them I don''t want to be friends until they behave nicely. I guess its what works for the parent really.

 

[divergrrl]

Date: 6/11/2007 4:24:13 PM
Author: Maisie

Date: 6/11/2007 4:16:22 PM
Author: surfgirl
We got spanked when we were told to do/not do something repeatedly. It was a last resort and we probably deserved it. Always on the butt and I think we both turned out like normal well adjusted adults. I see no problem with spanking and quite frankly, I see kids on a daily basis who could do with a good swat across the butt. I see WAY too many bad parenting episodes going on in real life where the parents just let the kids do whatever they please without any repercussions. And then there''s the issue of hollow threats and no follow through. It seems to be a national epidemic right now. Kids need boundaries and discipline, IMO.

I agree with you here. There are far too many mothers doing the whole ''Jonny mummy doesn''t want you to keep hitting Billy.... now come on darling stop it........... mummy is getting cross now............ stop it now or mummy really will get cross ....'' and so on. No consequences for their actions and most of the time mummy is sitting with her head in her hands wondering where she went wrong.

For me its a personal choice to find another way to discipline other than spanking. My kids are upset enough if I tell them I don''t want to be friends until they behave nicely. I guess its what works for the parent really.

This garbage drives me nuts. I may be a patient mom, but I have no time for this nonsense. Jake hits me (or someone/anything else) and he gets a TIMEOUT, right then--no second chances--he''s 2! He wouldn''t understand. There must be immediate consequence for his actions. I say ''Jake we don''t hit, you are going into time-out". Yeah, its inconvenient for me to drop everything to "parent" & do the time out right then, no matter where we are or what we are doing, but IMO, that''s my job & I must say, his hitting stopped. (every once in a while (every other month?) he''ll test me to see if I''m still firm on that boundary....lol...but developmentally that''s his job, its how he gauges what boundaries are set)

Diver...(who puts herself in timeouts some days...lol)

 

[divergrrl]

Honestly Jeannine, my heart breaks for you when I read how your Mom treated you. Considering your mother''s history and remembering what I''ve read here before about how she acts with your son sometimes, I would seriously question whether or not he and the new baby coming, should be left alone with her.

We haven''t seen her in months & no worries, she''s not allowed to be alone with them anymore if she does show back up. Thanks for the concern though. I hate talking about it, but a few threads lately have hit close to home. blah blah blah....

I tried to give benefit of doubt..people can grow...yada yada...no luck. She''s virtually disappeared this time. That''s ok..DH & I are a safe haven for our kids. We will protect them from anyone who might mistreat them.



Diver

 

[Haven]

Just to clarify--I was NOT saying that my parents did the ''Jonny mummy doesn''t want you to keep hitting Billy.... now come on darling stop it........... mummy is getting cross now............ stop it now or mummy really will get cross ....'' thing--rather, they made it very clear from the beginning who was in charge and they did so without any type of force (verbal or physical.) My mother did (and does) have one hell of an evil eye, ughh, I get the chills just thinking about it.

I also cannot stand the whole "Well, I want my child to like me/be my best friend so I''m not going to assert any control" nonsense. We can always tell which students have parents like that--they are the most out of control, entitled, bratty kids in the bunch. I feel like there are a lot of parents nowadays who don''t actually parent, they just let their kids run wild, and it''s sad because they turn into beasts by the time they reach my classroom.

True story--I called home during the second week of school to tell a parent that I sent her son to the dean because he was disrupting my class, and she actually said "I know, he''s so bad . . . what should I do?" I thought: You''re asking ME? I''m his English teacher, and YOU are his parent! It was horrible, and it just goes to show how badly kids need boundaries.

 

[dianne]

Maisie-Your response made me gasp a bit and kept my mouth open in disbelief that you were also hit while pregnant and Divergrrl-Your post just flat out made me cry. I just feel compelled to tell you both how sorry I am you have such harsh memories of your childhood.

I applaud you both for taking necessary steps to stop the abuse. You are both amazing women, don''t ever forget that!!

 

[dianne]

Date: 6/11/2007 2:55:59 PM
Author: Mrs Mitchell
I can''t speak as a parent, because I don''t have any children yet, but I can say that I was spanked (and slapped, and punched and beaten) as a child. I can''t see any difference between different levels or severity of corporal punishment, as far as I am concerned, it is assault and any is too much. That''s my intuitive response, based on my experience rather than any moral or philosophical standpoint, and try as I do to see this from another perspective, I just can''t. I can''t say someone else is wrong or right in how they raise and discipline their child, all I can say is that is I personally was damaged by this. Even seeing this thread initially upset me a little. When I do have children, I can never risk leaving them alone with my parents. This will cause no end of grief for all of us, but because as far as they are concerned, they were doing the right thing, I could never trust or respect them. I left home the minute I was legally able to (at 16) and although we keep in touch, I have never been back since.

Jen

Mrs Mitchell--I feel the same for you as for Maisie and Divergrrl...I am so sorry....I am amazed that, for the few responses so far to this post, several have been about abuse. I am at a loss for words. And I physically feel a little sick.

 

[Kaleigh]

My childhood was all about abuse. I was beaten, slapped, kicked and punched. Mental abuse was a big thing , as well as other types of abuse. But I am a survivor. I chose to survive. When I was little I made myself a promise that when I had kids I would never let them know abuse. That the cycle would be stopped by me. I have raised them with discipline, but with lots and lots of love. I am their biggest cheerleader. And am thankful we have a very open relationship. There is nothing they can''t tell me. Sometimes they tell me too much, LOL. But this day and age, I''ll take that any day. They have turned out pretty darn well, if I say so myself!!!

 

[divergrrl]

Big hugs to you Kaleigh...you too Mrs. Mitchell...

BTW Luckystar...guess you get our view on spanking eh? My only advice to you is to read a lot of parenting books. They are really helpful regardless of what your upbringing was. Read a variety of things so you have lots of ideas to choose from. Find things that work for your family & your children. Whatever you decide to do, be consistent & respectful.

Respect doesn't mean being a doormat, it means checking your knee jerk reactions & using your head when dealing with little people with poor judgement skills. It's hard, it takes work & conscious effort. Every day. Those horribly bratty kids? They have inconsistent parents who don't ever say no.

You'll find your style once you have your kids...and no kid is one size fits all, so what works for me might not work for you. But that will be your adventure & I have to say...its totally worth every second. Your love for them will guide you, just don't let it make you a pushover.

Diver

 

[Maisie]

Date: 6/11/2007 6:17:21 PM
Author: Haven
Just to clarify--I was NOT saying that my parents did the ''Jonny mummy doesn''t want you to keep hitting Billy.... now come on darling stop it........... mummy is getting cross now............ stop it now or mummy really will get cross ....'' thing--rather, they made it very clear from the beginning who was in charge and they did so without any type of force (verbal or physical.) My mother did (and does) have one hell of an evil eye, ughh, I get the chills just thinking about it.

I also cannot stand the whole ''Well, I want my child to like me/be my best friend so I''m not going to assert any control'' nonsense. We can always tell which students have parents like that--they are the most out of control, entitled, bratty kids in the bunch. I feel like there are a lot of parents nowadays who don''t actually parent, they just let their kids run wild, and it''s sad because they turn into beasts by the time they reach my classroom.

True story--I called home during the second week of school to tell a parent that I sent her son to the dean because he was disrupting my class, and she actually said ''I know, he''s so bad . . . what should I do?'' I thought: You''re asking ME? I''m his English teacher, and YOU are his parent! It was horrible, and it just goes to show how badly kids need boundaries.

Haven I wasn''t saying that your parents were like this. I was responding more to surfgirls points about what she has seen happening with parents while out and about. I hope you weren''t offended by me

 

[Maisie]

Date: 6/11/2007 7:06:51 PM
Author: dianne
Maisie-Your response made me gasp a bit and kept my mouth open in disbelief that you were also hit while pregnant and Divergrrl-Your post just flat out made me cry. I just feel compelled to tell you both how sorry I am you have such harsh memories of your childhood.

I applaud you both for taking necessary steps to stop the abuse. You are both amazing women, don't ever forget that!!

Thankyou! I feel like I am a good mother. I love my kids so much - I would do anything for them. I didn't have that commitment from my mother while I was growing up. She was more worried about her husband leaving her and so she let him do what he wanted. We were really repressed. Not allowed to make any noise, not allowed new clothes, kept from expressing our feelings about anything. We used to be fed on beans on toast while he ate meat and vegetables. We were all underweight and not particularly healthy. He didn't work and so we lived on benefits. He would spend the fuel money on drugs and cigarettes so we would have no light or heating a lot. We used to sit in sleeping bags to keep us warm. When he hit me while pregnant I was actually trying to defend my younger sister (who was also pregnant). I stepped between them to stop him hitting her and he hit me so hard I fell on my bed and the whole frame collapsed. He had no remorse for anything he did. He said we deserved it. We both left home soon after that. We couldn't live like that anymore.

He turned on my mother after we left home. He had nobody else to bully. He fractured her skull and left her unconscious. She could have died. After that she decided that enough was enough and made him leave. He had been having an affair for years anyway so he just went to her.

I saw him recently. He lives in a grotty bedsit alone. He is addicted to drugs and doesn't eat so he can pay for them. I don't have it in me to feel sorry for him. That disappoints me - I am a compassionate person. I guess he just did too much damage. In fact I am still scared of him.