Can you trust again after your SO cheated?

[qtiekiki]

I was listening to the radio station this morning, and a caller said that she thinks her husband is cheating again. The husband cheated once before. He came home late one night, and she just felt that he was cheating again in the back of her mind. So the host asked how do you trust again after your spouse cheated, and he basically doesn't think you can.

I don't think I would be able to trust again if my DH cheated. I would always wonder if he was cheating again when he comes home late or misses my call. I don't know if I can get through that and trust again.

So can you trust again after your SO cheated?

 

[Blackpaw]

I dont think i could either. I was wondering about this recently...i wonder if there being kids in the case makes a difference? but then that constant doubt/fear must be so upsetting

poor lady, i hope everything is alright for her...

 

[trillionaire]

I know I wouldn't trust them anymore, which is why I would leave.

 

[Autumnovember]

I want to say that I wouldn't be able to and that I would leave but I would be lying. It's a hard question to answer unless you've been in the situation yourself, IMHO. You can SAY you would or wouldn't but you really never really know until you've had to deal with it first hand.

 

[zoebartlett]

I want to say that I wouldn't be able to and that I would leave but I would be lying. It's a hard question to answer unless you've been in the situation yourself, IMHO. You can SAY you would or wouldn't but you really never really know until you've had to deal with it first hand.

This is what I think also. I think I'd know what I'd do but until faced with it, I can't say for sure.

 

[rosetta]

nope.

next question!

 

[TravelingGal]

I'd like to think so, but I have an active imagination...so...nope.

 

[Jessie702]

I would like to think i could trust him again, but it would be a very long road. I would always have trust issues, but he would have to understand, that he is the one who caused it, and if he couldnt deal with me not trusting him, and him not working on building the trust again, than i would leave. Im in it for life...

 

[kenny]

I can't.

I dumped a long term partner immediately when I found out he'd been cheating.
No discussion.
It's over.

 

[athenaworth]

I'm going through that all right now. My DH cheated on me in July. We've been going through therapy to work things out (no children, just furbabies), but it is hard to trust. I guess for me I really depend on my gut instinct (it was my gut that clued me in the first time) and look for this signs from him. So far, so good, but I don't trust him, and really, I probably never really will.

The worst part was that I was never an insecure wife. If he saw a hot girl in a bar or on the beach, we would both check her out and comment, etc. Now when we see a hot girl it makes me immediately feel like I'm not attractive enough to get his attention. I hate being that person and miss who I was. I hope I can get that back, but I don't know that I will.

 

[diva rose]

Athena - hugs - hope therapy works out for you.

I don't think I can ever trust someone if they cheated on me. Hence for that reason - yes I would leave him.

 

[onedrop]

If I were cheated on, I'd most likely try to forgive and try to move forward. However, I don't know how successful I'd be in truly being able to trust in my spouse again. Knowing myself, the trust would probably be forever broken. I'd hate the thought of constantly questioning his actions or word after the broken trust.

Athena - so sorry for what you are going through.

 

[perry]

It would depend on the reason and what you consider cheating.

I will admit that I'm always able to think of extreme situations that should be rare.

Example - what if either of you ended up in a true survival situation and the best way for you to survive was to partner with someone else.

To me - the survival matters more than the sex that occurred in that situation. I admit others may see it differently.

Another somewhat common issue is military spouses that are deployed. When you literally face death your sex drive may take over (there is a very primal drive to reproduce when in real danger - and it affects both men and woman). Personally, I give people involved in military service in combat zones (or where major accidents occur) a wide benefit of the doubt and understanding on what occurred.

However, in the above cases the issues normally end when the person is returned to a more normal societal setting.

A fling with a co-worker is usually a completely different situation.

So to me you have to look at the reason, and how honest they are about the situation later - and then decide if given the circumstances was their actions reasonable - and then decide if you could trust them.

Perry

 

[Skippy123]

I agree that it is one of those things you have to go through it before you can decide what you would do. I have a friend whose husband cheated on her and she was going to leave him and they worked it out and now their marriage is stronger. I guess for me the question would be, "would I be able to forgive him." I think if you can't forgive you cannot move on. Just my opinion; I don't know though.

eta: Athena, huge hugs

 

[Kaleigh]

I have a good friend who's husband cheated on her after 18 years of marriage, two kids. She tried to forgive, but couldn't foget or move on. He gave her the gift that keeps on giving, an STD!!!!! Oh I felt so badly for her.

Unless you have been through it, hard to say what you would do. Now after almost 25 years of marriage if this happened to me, I don't think I could forgive. But you never know... I don't give of my heart easily so it takes a lot for me to trust someone. Once that trust is broken, so is the relationship. JMHO.

 

[diva rose]

I have a good friend who's husband cheated on her after 18 years of marriage, two kids. She tried to forgive, but couldn't foget or move on. He gave her the gift that keeps on giving, an STD!!!!! Oh I felt so badly for her.

Unless you have been through it, hard to say what you would do. Now after almost 25 years of marriage if this happened to me, I don't think I could forgive. But you never know... I don't give of my heart easily so it takes a lot for me to trust someone. Once that trust is broken, so is the relationship. JMHO.

Ouch - Poor woman. That is terrible.

 

[Trekkie]

It's always interesting to hear people's opinions on this.

I'm thinking of you, Athena. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

My dad was married for 15 years when he embarked on a 7 year long affair. The affair produced a child - me. My stepmom was devastated when she found out - how would you feel if your husband had not only an affair, but shared a home and a child with a coloured woman half your age?!

My dad and stepmom worked through their problems and are still together. Their relationship is stronger, my dad still goes away on golf weekends with the guys and my stepmom finally has the daughter she always wanted. They're even, dare I say it, happy.

Having seen this example in my own family, I firmly believe that if the couple really wants to be together they can. But it takes a lot of work.

 

[Nomsdeplume]

No way. I would leave him. If he can justify risking our relationship and hurting me, he is not the man I want to be with.

 

[swingirl]

If my husband was stupid enough to cheat and get caught I would assume he wanted to intentionally hurt me. So for me it wouldn't be a matter of if he'd do it again, it'd be a matter of not wanting to be around someone who would do that in first place.

If kids were involved I might stay to avoid hurting them but I'd be waiting to leave the day they turned 18. So no, there would be no trust but divorce isn't always the best choice for a family. Now if there were no kids I'd be gone in a heartbeat.

 

[zhuzhu]

A relative of mine forgave his cheating wife and re-marry her after 2 years of separation/divorce. Their kid is happy so I am happy for that. However I just don't think I can regain trust so easily on a cheating spouse. Without trust, I simply can't be married to that person.
I do wish them the best of luck though.

 

[MonkeyPie]

Example - what if either of you ended up in a true survival situation and the best way for you to survive was to partner with someone else.

What situation could possibly call for that? "We will both die unless we have sex, RIGHT NOW." Um...ok?

I could forgive, but I wouldn't forget, and it would eventually ruin the relationship because I would constantly be filled with doubt and I would basically be stalking him to know what he was doing and who he was with any time he was out of my sight. it just isn't worth it.

 

[atroop711]

I doubt I can but I haven't been in this situation with my husband (thank god). I do know that I'm the type of person that doesn't forgive easily and I NEVER forget. Someone very close to me hurt me really bad when I was around 18 yr old, it wasn't until my early 30s that I could even start feeling close to that person again. I didn't completely toss them out of my life BUT I hold on to hurt. I wish I didn't but this is one thing I dislike about myself. I have gotten better with age but I still hold on to the hurt..just for shorter periods of time.

I think if my spouse would cheat, I would NEVER trust him the same again. Would some trust grow back? Maybe BUT I would never completely trust him and I don't think that's any way to live (even if kids are involved)

I do know many men who have cheated and blamed their wives for not having sex with them (as the cause of the cheating). I don't care what gripe you have in your marriage...you should always act like an adult and TALK about what's bothering you..you don't go out and throw a fit, have an affair and then point fingers. If you discuss the concerns you have about your marriage, then hopefully the issue can be worked on.

 

[Natylad]

Maybe i shouldn't be talking about something that hasn't happened to me, but i will. Right now, i feel that if my husband cheated on me, i would NEVER EVER be able to forgive him and move forward with him. I feel that no matter what problems exist in a serious relationship or a marriage, everything can be worked out as long as the two partners haven't broken the trust that exists between them. I seriously believe that this is the one thing that i could never forget or forgive and i know for a fact that my husband feels the same way. He has made so many sacrifices in order to be with me and he has proved his unconditional love to me so many times...BUT...He has specifically made clear to me even before we got engaged, after we got engaged and the night before we got married that if i ever cheated on him, he would leave me immediately no matter how many kids we had or how much he loves me. I respect that because i feel the same way...
I wish i never get in the unfortunate position to find out that my husband cheated on me and deal with the situation in real life...Maybe because i know how strongly i feel about this, i chose the specific man who feels the exact same way...but you NEVER know what happens and no matter what people say, they might surprise you negatively when you least expect it, so i guess nobody can feel 100% safe about such things.

 

[Jennifer W]

I don't know.

If the underlying reason for the infidelity was addressed, then it's possible that I could. I'm married to a good man, so for that to happen, there would have to be something hugely wrong.

I can't really say for sure, because I can't imagine it happening, can't imagine my emotional response. Not because he couldn't possibly cheat (he's human) but because our relationship is fairly intense and it would be difficult to see when, how and where he could actually do it. I don't check up on him, but most of the time he's either with me or our daughter. He'd be very tired indeed if he was sneaking another woman in there too...

I could forgive, but I don't know if I could forget? Not sure.

 

[atroop711]

I'm going through that all right now. My DH cheated on me in July. We've been going through therapy to work things out (no children, just furbabies), but it is hard to trust. I guess for me I really depend on my gut instinct (it was my gut that clued me in the first time) and look for this signs from him. So far, so good, but I don't trust him, and really, I probably never really will.

The worst part was that I was never an insecure wife. If he saw a hot girl in a bar or on the beach, we would both check her out and comment, etc. Now when we see a hot girl it makes me immediately feel like I'm not attractive enough to get his attention. I hate being that person and miss who I was. I hope I can get that back, but I don't know that I will.

please don't let his issues (whatever his reason was for cheating) EVER make you feel less attractive. I'm a firm believer that cheaters have a choice. They make up excuses for their behavior but ultimately it's their choice. I don't ever want a wife (or husband) to think that they must not be attractive and that's what caused the cheating. I was cheated on in a past relationship and my ex fiance tried to put the blame on me. I knew from experience that his actions were just that..his. Nothing wrong with the way I looked or treated him. Turns out his blaming me for his troubles was a way for him to hide his insecurities in his life that he was battling with...he was gay and didn't ever admit it to himself. I know I went off topic but what you wrote made me sad...please don't feel like your not attractive enough for his attention.

 

[elrohwen]

I honestly don't know. I won't say that I wouldn't try to make things work, because I think it's a possibility. I used to say I would leave a cheater immediately, but now I'm not so sure. The hardest part would be trusting again - I could try, but I'm not sure I would be able to do it even if I wanted.

 

[Haven]

I haven't experienced this, so I'm with everyone who says they just don't know how they'd react.

When I think about it, it's so difficult to say I'd leave or stay because I have two competing reactions:

1) If my husband ever cheated it would be hugely damaging to the way I view him, meaning I just can't even comprehend the notion of him ever cheating. SO, if he did cheat, it would probably make me seriously reconsider what I believe I know about him.

HOWEVER,

2) I cannot fathom my husband ever doing anything that would change the way I feel about him, or my desire to be with him. So I can't even wrap my head around the idea of my ever leaving him.

See what I mean? I have no clue how I would react, because I simply can't imagine how I'd feel if I were in that situation.

 

[qtiekiki]

Athen – Thank you for sharing your story.

Perry – I have to agree with MP that I can’t think of a situation where sex is needed for survival. But I agree that it would be different if DH has an one-night stand vs. has an affair with someone.

I wasn't really asking what/how you would react to cheating, but just if you can trust again. But it's hard to isolate the trust issue.

Yes, I don’t REALLY know what I would do in the situation. I do know for a fact that I will have trust issues. It happened to me in the past when an ex started hanging out with his ex behind my back. My friend saw them having dinner. All my ex said was “yes, I am taking care of her because I’ve done something bad to her”, and he also insisted that he wasn’t cheating. I stayed with him, but I was constantly wondering if he was out with her and was calling him constantly. It was really eating me inside, and I felt so annoying for being so insecure. After a month, I broke it off.

I don’t know if I can just divorce my DH though. I used to think that I WILL leave in the situation. But marriage is complicated, and then there are kids involved. I would worry about how my kids perceive my action/response to the infidelity though. Would they think that cheating is ok? My co-worker’s bf’s father cheated on his mom, and he and his siblings hate his father for it. Yet he cheated on my co-workers numerous times. I wouldn't want my DS to continue the cycle of the cheating or my DD to let her SO cheat on her. I think I am going off tangent here, but there will definitely be a lot to think if the situation happens.

 

[CUSO]

Can someone be so kind to define "cheating". Where is the line drawn? Which one of these are forgivable, and which ones are marriage ending?

Flirting?
Texting?
Sexting?
A kiss?
Massage w/ happy ending?
Oral?

I admit, I flirt a lot. The closest I ever got to crossing a line was when I was at a casino and this waitress kept letting me put my tip between the girls!!!! My wife saw it and she just thought it was funny.

 

[athenaworth]

Can someone be so kind to define "cheating". Where is the line drawn? Which one of these are forgivable, and which ones are marriage ending?

Flirting?
Texting?
Sexting?
A kiss?
Massage w/ happy ending?
Oral?

In my situation, he was mentally cheating for a long time (flirting, texting) and I turned a blind eye to it. He did a lot more than kiss, but thinking of him making out with someone else really sealed the deal for me, so to me, that's the line towards much worse.

And thank you everyone. You're all awesome. It does get easier with time. After out kitty died, the support and love he gave me was so special that it almost made me forget the past, but it always comes back. It's been 5 months now of intense therapy and his 180 degree attitude change and I still can't shake it. Who knows how long it will really take.