Calling all married PSers...

[surfgirl]

Okay, so here''s the deal. As many of you know, Mr. Surfgirl and I got married on August 12th. On August 30th, I left for an assignment out of country and will be home the first week in October. I have had a rather dry spell this year on consultancies but when it rains, it pours...so now I have another contract being offered to me and if I take it, it means I''ll be home about 5 weeks, then I''m in Asia until early January. It means that my husband (hee!) will have to come to me for the holidays and we wont be able to have our "first holidays as a married couple" at home, which is a time we both love. But more than that, we were SO enjoying the "honeymoon" period, just giggling and looking at each other and saying, "can you believe we got married?!" "Hey, you''re my wife/husband! Hee!" It''s just been so much fun and I"m wondering if all this travel is going to kill that special time for me and I''ll miss out on it. I''m wondering if anyone here had to go away a lot for work right after they got married and did it ruin that special time for you? I dont want to miss out on this since I hope to only get married once in my life! ARGH. Damn work...not to mention that I miss my rings desperately!

 

[TravelingGal]

We got married in October. After his family left, I went straight on a business trip and spent what would have been our first weekend alone, apart.

I traveled for quite a bit after that. Our honeymoon period lasted about six months, so I felt like I got my fair share.

 

[wolftress]

I''d be missing my rings too, especially if they looked like yours

On a more serious note, DH and I went on a 2-week honeymoon, then spent 1 week together just hanging out at home and enjoying being newlyweds. At the end of that, DH had to plunge headfirst back into work because it had piled up a lot while we were away. He spent a lot of time travelling and we didn''t get to spend as much time together as we would have liked, but I think the ''just us'' time we spent together for 3 weeks really smoothed the way for the time we had to spend apart. And I think it made us even more lovey-dovey when he came home because we really missed each other. He said he talked about me all the time to his clients and whipped out my photo to show them. I thought it was really cute

 

[basil]

I''m not married, but I''m interested to see the responses to this thread, cause fiance and I will spend the first 8 months of our marriage living apart

I tend to think it will kind of postpone our "honeymoon" period til we are really living together.

 

[somethingshiny]

Shortly after hubby and I wed, he got put on a weird shift. We only saw each other for a few hours on Saturdays. That was hard, but we got used to it. I know it must be SO much harder to be REALLY away from each other.

Another thought...Are these assignments going to come along again? Can you go through your life being perfectly happy if you don''t do them (now or later)?

Good Luck!

 

[surfgirl]

Thanks to those who''ve responded to this thread, I really appreciate hearing your experiences...

Actually somethingshiney, it''s work. I mean, they''ll take someone else to do the work if I dont do it for them now so I''ll have lost that work. Which is a tidy sum of money that we could bank for our future. But I keep weighing the "money" aspect with the "isn''t it more important to share this time together and so what if it means I dont make this chunk of money right now" debate. Do I need this money? Yeah. I mean, this current job will get me financially healthy and the next one will just be icing on the cake. But I''m really torn about wanting to just stay home and experience our first holiday season together as husband and wife and not be so far away from him. It''s weird but I''ve travelled alot the entire 14.5 years we''ve been together and now that we''re actually married I just want to be at home with him. I feel sort of lame admitting that but that''s how I feel now. It''s really rather surprising to me since I''ve always travelled so much..I''m flummoxed!

 

[wolftress]

Date: 9/12/2007 10:42:31 PM
Author: surfgirl
Thanks to those who''ve responded to this thread, I really appreciate hearing your experiences...

Actually somethingshiney, it''s work. I mean, they''ll take someone else to do the work if I dont do it for them now so I''ll have lost that work. Which is a tidy sum of money that we could bank for our future. But I keep weighing the ''money'' aspect with the ''isn''t it more important to share this time together and so what if it means I dont make this chunk of money right now'' debate. Do I need this money? Yeah. I mean, this current job will get me financially healthy and the next one will just be icing on the cake. But I''m really torn about wanting to just stay home and experience our first holiday season together as husband and wife and not be so far away from him. It''s weird but I''ve travelled alot the entire 14.5 years we''ve been together and now that we''re actually married I just want to be at home with him. I feel sort of lame admitting that but that''s how I feel now. It''s really rather surprising to me since I''ve always travelled so much..I''m flummoxed!

Isn''t it weird how being married changes your whole perspective on life in general? I actually did DH''s laundry for the first time ever two weeks after we got married, and I''m someone who is completely against the idea of ''the woman''s place in the home''. I haven''t done it since, but it gave me the warm and fuzzies thinking I was doing my husband''s laundry

 

[surfgirl]

wolftress, YES, you get it! I know, it''s so weird...

 

[Tacori E-ring]

First off our anni is 8/12 too so it is a great day

Second I think the time apart will EXTEND the honeymoon period. It is healthy to miss each other. If this is important to your career I would go for it!

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 9/12/2007 11:01:37 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
First off our anni is 8/12 too so it is a great day

Second I think the time apart will EXTEND the honeymoon period. It is healthy to miss each other. If this is important to your career I would go for it!

I just typed a long response and lost it...but essentially I can just say ditto and still be on point.

 

[Richard Sherwood]

Date: 9/12/2007 10:42:31 PM
Author: surfgirl
Actually somethingshiney, it''s work. I mean, they''ll take someone else to do the work if I dont do it for them now so I''ll have lost that work. Which is a tidy sum of money that we could bank for our future. But I keep weighing the ''money'' aspect with the ''isn''t it more important to share this time together and so what if it means I dont make this chunk of money right now'' debate.

Here''s a something to ask yourself to help "crystallize" the question for you:

"On my deathbed, am I going to wish that I had worked more, or spent more time together?"

 

[~*Alexis*~]

I am not married but I spend alot of time away from my sweetie, I fly alot so its hard, but that time apart is good for us because it gets us to realize that we really miss eachother that much more. The way I see it if the money will help you out in the long run i would do it. When you get back have your own special holidays. Take some time off and go an a revistied holiday break. Sorta like a second honeymoon.
I am sure one of the reasons he married you is because you are ambitious and hard working.
The honeymoon stage will be there for as long as you both are feeling it. The longer you are apart the longer the stage....LOL...oh and making up is the fun part...wink wink.....

Best of luck on your decision I hoped that helped....

 

[surfgirl]

Date: 9/13/2007 12:03:42 AM
Author: Richard Sherwood

Date: 9/12/2007 10:42:31 PM
Author: surfgirl
Actually somethingshiney, it''s work. I mean, they''ll take someone else to do the work if I dont do it for them now so I''ll have lost that work. Which is a tidy sum of money that we could bank for our future. But I keep weighing the ''money'' aspect with the ''isn''t it more important to share this time together and so what if it means I dont make this chunk of money right now'' debate.

Here''s a something to ask yourself to help ''crystallize'' the question for you:

''On my deathbed, am I going to wish that I had worked more, or spent more time together?''

Rich...touche. I hear you...Hey! Wait a minute...You wouldn''t be throwing my advice to you on another thread, right back at me now, would you?

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 9/12/2007 10:42:31 PM
Author: surfgirl
It''s weird but I''ve travelled alot the entire 14.5 years we''ve been together and now that we''re actually married I just want to be at home with him. I feel sort of lame admitting that but that''s how I feel now. It''s really rather surprising to me since I''ve always travelled so much..I''m flummoxed!

I think you know your answer if you listen to YOURSELF. The $$ = "icing on the cake" (as opposed to say, paying or not paying the mortgage) And you never get another "first holidays as husband & wife" ... if you want to spend it nesting rather than exotic go-go-go-ing ... DO IT. JUST DO IT.

 

[just_looking!]

My husband and I are in a similar situation We''d been seeing each other for 10 years before we got married and 6 of those were spent in different countries / continents, but there were still a few raised eyebrows when I started my current job after only 6 months married. This time we''re 5 hours travel time away from each other by car and plane.

I''ve got another 6 months or so to complete then back to hubbie! I''ve managed to justify it as money for future children and it''s only for the short term. In all honesty I''m not sure I can keep up the killer work schedule - it''s 3 days off a month and 10 - 12 hr days plus travel !

 

[lauralu]

IMHO.if I had the choice. If I knew I could make the money another time. i did not NEED it to feed my family and keep a roof over our heads. i would definitely not take the job and stay home and enjoy my first Holiday as husband and wife.

Money opportunities will come and go. Your first only happens once. No amount of money can replace that.

Do what you think is best for the two of you....and all will work out great

 

[poptart]

In my opinion, you can always make more money, but you can''t ever make up time. DH and I spent almost 8 months apart just two months after we got married. We missed Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year''s, my birthday, and graduation together. I would have gladly given up the money in order to get that time back. This is the only time you will have your first holiday as a married couple, and it sounds like it''s important to you to be at home, so I would go for it. Like you said, the extra money is just icing on the cake.

*M*

 

[ImpatientOne]

I try to look at the potential positives! Perhaps the separation will actual make it seems like the "honeymoon phase" will start all over again come January

A few more months apart seems like a piece of cake to me, compared to what I am facing! My dh and I were married in March. He leaves next week for a 15 month depoyment to the Middle East

Yes, I said 15 months!!! He will get to come home on R&R for a couple of weeks at some point, but that is little consolation. So we will have spent less than 6 months as husband and wife before he leaves for nearly a year and a half. I really can''t complain, though, as I knew full well what it would mean to marry a service member.

Blessings!!!

 

[lyra]

That''s a tough one. My husband is away from home at least 3 days a week on average x 24 years of marriage. I figure we''ve only actually lived together about 10 years then.

He''s also had extended away time, 3-4 weeks at a time, 10 days-2 weeks at a time and with 2 kids, that got extremely tiring and stressful. But the dynamic of him being away was built in and that''s just the way we live, so we don''t see it as a big deal, where other people say "I couldn''t stand it if my husband was away so much!". Well, it works for us. We''re still very close and are best friends. I see nothing wrong with your accepting this new contract if your husband can at least join you for the holidays like you suggested. But do what you both feel is best. This is a special time, even though you''ve been together a long time already.

 

[surfgirl]

Thanks all for such thoughtful posts! I can see both sides and I guess that''s why I feel so torn. For those who say you only get one "first this and that", you''re right. Of course we could always say our "first holiday was in Vietnam" and that would be different to say the least. OTOH, we both love that time of year and getting a tree and being at home and I always make a point to be home from an assignment at least 1-2 weeks before Christmas so we can have that time together.

OTOH, this money would essentially replace the money spent on my ering and could be put back into our retirement/emergency account so that''s the plus there.

Rich of course brings up the most important point, at the end of the day, is money or time well spent with loved ones more important? To me, that latter is more important...but in order to retire and not live on catfood, money is also important so when someone''s dangling a sizeable contract in front of me, I see "retirement fund"...crap. Why cant we just not have money? That would be an interesting world to live in, wouldn''t it?

 

[onedrop]

It''s nice to be able to answer this as a married woman.

My husband and I spent a lot of time apart during our relationship due to the fact that we lived in different countries. Now that we are finally together and just married, I couldn''t imagine spending several months away from him again. I think we both feel that way. Money is great and all...but for me the "us" time is much more meaningful. And I totally understand your predicament because I myself have been perusing some international opprtunities, but am holding off until after our first anniversary.

 

[rainydaze]

one thought, as i was reading through everyone's posts, is that what you decide could (and i emphasize could) set the stage for the rest of your marriage. it's a blanket statement to say this, so take it for what it's worth. i noticed that some who said they had to spend time apart at first indicated they did throughout their marriage and 'got used to it'. since it doesn't sound like it is necessary for you to take this job (financially or because you are just starting out and need it to get extablished) you have a choice, and the choice you make now could evolve into the choice you continue to make down the road. if you chose to take the job now, during a keystone (can't think of the right word) time in your relationship when it is probably the hardest time to make that choice, it will only be easier to make the same choice to be away from him at other times. and you might find yourselves with the kind of marriage where you have gotten accustomed to spend time apart frequently and it just works. nothing at all wrong with that; my point is simply that you may want to think down the road, if you feel this logic applies, to find out what you want long-term for yourselves. maybe that would help with this decision? and maybe i just wasted five minutes on a lot of nonsense!

ETA: certainly many people have jobs that require a lot of travel and both parties know this upon entering marriage, and they know this is how it's going to be. others come by a marriage where they are apart after the fact due to an unforseen job shift, and because it is necessary financially they make it work. if the former applies and you know that in the future you will be away quite a bit and during these times you will miss him terribly, then i say go for it now and spend the first holidays with your husband! you won't have any regrets going that route (a la rich's wisdom) and you will always have those memories to take with you on your trips! but if you don't foresee being apart a lot in the future, then my initial thoughts could apply, and the choice you make now might affect future such choices.

i don't know. don't you hate it when you have some deep philosphical point right on the tip of your tongue but you come out sounding more like an arse with a hiccup?!

 

[diamondfan]

My hubby traveled a lot to New York when we were first married. He was working on a huge case centered in the New York bankruptcy courts and had to be there all week most weeks. He would fly home Fri and take the red eye Sunday night back there. I had just started grad school so I had a lot of work and would see my friends during the week. I missed him a lot but we had a lot of fun each weekend too!

 

[somethingshiny]

surfgirl~ according to your own posts, it seems that you really want to be home with your new husband. I think it may just be hard for you to think that this is where your life is now. It''s OKAY to WANT to be home with him. It''s OKAY to WANT the memories of your first holidays together. I think you know what you want. JUST DO IT!

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 9/13/2007 12:21:48 AM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 9/12/2007 10:42:31 PM
Author: surfgirl
It''s weird but I''ve travelled alot the entire 14.5 years we''ve been together and now that we''re actually married I just want to be at home with him. I feel sort of lame admitting that but that''s how I feel now. It''s really rather surprising to me since I''ve always travelled so much..I''m flummoxed!

I think you know your answer if you listen to YOURSELF. The $$ = ''icing on the cake'' (as opposed to say, paying or not paying the mortgage) And you never get another ''first holidays as husband & wife'' ... if you want to spend it nesting rather than exotic go-go-go-ing ... DO IT. JUST DO IT.

Very much agree with Deco on this one......in your shoes, I''d choose to spend the holidays home with hubby.

Future plum assignments will come along again, but your first holiday at a married couple won''t. It can''t be deferred for a more convenient time.

There will be other times to travel. There won''t be "first holidays together" ever again.