Bling at Work/ Work Issue (long)

[Phoenix]

Hi everyone,

So today I had a problem with the e-Calendar at work. I''d never used it prior to my current job. I sent an update to my e-invite (to all the Asia Pacific regional partners) on behalf of my partner (boss) following an earlier invite (to ask them to join my boss and I in a conference call regarding a big global/ also regional client). Now, most people accepted but some declined. My boss wanted me to send some new infor, hence the update.

I asked our group secretary (actually we have 3) how to send the update just to the people who have accepted the original invitation. I specifically asked this person, lets call her X, what I should do. I told her that I''d removed the names of the people who''ve declined (along with my boss'' name - since the updated infor, an attachment, came from him , so I didn''t want to send it back to him) whether I should click the "send to all invitees" option or "send to the invitees you''ve added/ updated". She told me to click the "send to all invitees" option.

So what happened?! It bl**dy bounced back from all the people I''ve removed, with a message to say the invite has been cancelled/ removed from the calendar!! That was NOT my intention!! I just wanted the update not to go to them. I didn''t want the original invite (which has all the relevant infor along with all the important attachments) to be removed from the people who declined the invite, because even though they couldn''t participate in this conference call, my boss and I still wanted them to have the infor because it''d be helpful to them when they get round to doing work for this client, which they will. So of course my boss received a notice (since I''d removed his name from the update invite) to say the invite to him had been cancelled. He was very cool about it (which he is usually but I suspect there''s a limit to his patience) and I explained that I hadn''t used e-Calendar before but I''d be sure to use it correctly in the future (inclg resending the whole invite, including the update, to all the original invitees). I didn''t blame it on X nor made any mention about X, since I thought he would think it pathetic of me to blame the secretary for my mistake (as I am a Director and thus should know better), even though she was the one giving me the wrong "help".

Afterwards, I told hubby about this. Now, this person X had previously made some unflattering comment about one of my dresses (actually rude comment - which I basically laughed off). Hubby suggested it was because of my bling that I wear to work (ie. a 3ct e-ring along with eternity band, a 3stone RHR along with another eternity band, 2ctwt earring studs, a Rolex watch and sometimes my coloured diamond bracelet and/ or my diamond halo''ed red garnet pendant). He suggested that some people at work must be seething about my bling. I suspect he may be right (and in fact someone has actually asked me to my face, which I think is actually not as bad as people talking about me behind my back, why I need to work?!! since I have all the bling (which to them means that we don''t need the money, which is actually not altogether true)).

Well, if you''re talking about "need" in terms of subsistence, then yes, I don''t need to work, but the money that I earn is put towards our future. In any case, to me, this is a moot point really, as I work because I enjoy working. I get to use my brain and I like the interaction with my boss, my clients and most of my colleagues.

So what should I do? Should I just carry on as I am and ignore her lame attitude (along others'') and put it down to jealousy (after all, is it anyone''s business that I/we''ve been successful and able to afford what we have?) or do you think I am being insensitive here and should I tone down on my bling accessorising for work?

What I should add also is that most of my colleagues (my peers as well as our staff, including support staff) live in government - subsidised housing with their parents or parents in law, whilst we live in a private house (relatively large compared to theirs and several times more expensive). Whilst I do not advertise this fact, I suspect they know simply from our address. I don''t see why I should apologise for our success/ what we have, particularly since we''ve worked our a**** off for what we have. We certainly haven''t had it handed to us on a silver platter. So why should we feel bad? But on the other hand, do you think I should tone down my bling?

All opinions and comments are welcome, however brutal!!

 

[lyra]

Wow. That is a difficult situation. The easy thing would be to say yes, tone down the bling. But that might not make a difference to certain people, if they are already envious. You could experiment, cut down and see if you''re treated any differently at all. If nothing changes, well, to heck with the jealous ones. You say you are a director, so you should have more leeway anyway IMO. If you are wanting to be promoted down the line (if this is a possiblity), it also might be wise to be more conservative. Tough call.

 

[Phoenix]

Date: 4/7/2008 9:59:06 AM
Author: lyra
Wow. That is a difficult situation. The easy thing would be to say yes, tone down the bling. But that might not make a difference to certain people, if they are already envious. You could experiment, cut down and see if you're treated any differently at all. If nothing changes, well, to heck with the jealous ones. You say you are a director, so you should have more leeway anyway IMO. If you are wanting to be promoted down the line (if this is a possiblity), it also might be wise to be more conservative. Tough call.

Thanks for your reply and suggestion, Lyra. It certainly isn't an easy call. I do want to get promoted to a partner in a couple of years' time. What I have noticed is that the (perceived) jealousy (and I/ DH could be totally wrong here) only seems to come from my peers/ staff. My bosses do not seem to have a problem at all with my bling. I know for a fact that one of my bosses drives a very expensive BMW (worth several hundreds of thousands of Singapore dollars, much much more than all my bling added up together), one that I know for certain that DH and I would never ever buy (even if we could afford it). If my bosses had a problem with my bling (either from their own perspective and/ or their perception of what clients might think), then I'm sure they would have brought it up already and that definitely would be something to think about, since they're the ones deciding on my promotion (along with pay rise, bonuses etc.).

It'd be interesting to see what the other PS'ers think.

Thank you again for your input.

 

[Skippy123]

PHX, I guess I sort of understand since I worked in the same industry as you. When I was working I tried to take my cues from what others were doing in the work profession. I think just some people like to judge people (I agree it honestly isn't any of their business). I tried not to talk too much about outside stuff. What do the other directors wear? I would do what they do, yanno? I guess outside of work I would express myself if that means wearing more bling. I tried to just follow what the profession did and I think it really helps. I am sorry, that is a pain!!

 

[LitigatorChick]

I love bling as much as the next girl, but it sounds like quite a lot all at one time. I think it is lame if your co-workers judge you or treat you differently because of it, but if you can avoid the issue, why not?

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

In my opinion that is WAY too much bling for work. The ring is fine, but I wouldn''t wear anything else. I grew up with wealthy lawyer and now work with wealthy insurance people and noone would ever wear that much to work. It does seem unprofessional and it might be percieved that you are trying to be above your station in the company. It might also be that being that conspicous with your wealth when you don''t have to is like saying you look down on others who aren''t as well off as you.
Maybe I am biased, but I think it is tacky for people to be so obvious with their wealth as though it is a sign of merit. Even as a child I could tell which laywers would be difficult or unpleasent because of how much more conspicously they wore their wealth.

 

[ephemery1]

Hmmm... hard for me to say, because I work in a field (social services) that directly serves underprivileged people, and that level of "bling" would never be appropriate (not that I have that much to wear!

) I think you just have to consider the environment you''re in. There is nothing wrong with wearing your beautiful jewelry, but if it could come across as insensitive or ostentatious in any way, you might want to tone it down a bit just out of respect for your colleagues. There is certainly no need to apologize for your success, but maybe just be a bit more sensitive to the fact that most of the others in your workplace are considerably less successful, and seeing you display that amount of bling on a daily basis could be taken the wrong way. Not your intention, I know, just the unfortunate reality of it.

 

[elle_chris]

You sound like you have a beautiful collection. I''d be proud to wear it as well, but probably not in the office.
In your field, I''d probably just do the wedding band, e-ring and studs. Occasionally throw in a strand of pearls. Leave the rest of that gorgeous bling for when you''re out where it would be appreciated alot more.

 

[Madam Bijoux]

I wouldn't conclude that a co-worker deliberately tried to make you look incompetent because she resents your jewelry/clothes/lifestyle unless she has tried to do it to you or other people before. Has she commented on the clothes or possessions of other co-workers? Is she an envious person? Did she fully understand what you wanted to do on the computer? I would shrug it off as a computer glitch or a misunderstanding unless I had strong evidence that the co-worker knowingly gave me wrong instructions.
As someone who always wears lots of bling to work, I say keep on wearing the things you enjoy. If it puts people's noses out of joint, that's just too bad.

 

[neatfreak]

Professionally, I do think you should take cues from others as far as what is appropriate to wear. But does this really have to do with your bling? It seems that you are implying that she told you the wrong thing because of your bling? Or are these two separate situations? Because if you are implying one and the same thing, it seems really odd to me that someone would do that!

 

[Circe]

My gut reaction is that these are two separate issues ... she''d have to be awfully petty and moderately clever to deliberately sabotage you like that: the bling being the ultimate motivation seems ... unlikely.

Aside from that, though, if you feel like your style is interfering at work, tone it down until you get the promotion - even if it *wasn''t* the reason this time, feeling nervous about it every time somebody looks at you oddly at work sounds like more trouble than it''s worth. I''ve had a couple of co-workers ask me awkward questions about my pretties, and that''s just with the low-key stuff I wear every day ... I can only imagine the responses I''d be getting with your lovelies!

 

[studyer83]

Madam Bijoux, I agree - I am not sure if we are missing some information/details???

Date: 4/7/2008 12:56:47 PM
Author: Madam Bijoux
I wouldn''t conclude that a co-worker deliberately tried to make you look incompetent because she resents your jewelry/clothes/lifestyle unless she has tried to do it to you or other people before. Has she commented on the clothes or possessions of other co-workers? Is she an envious person? Did she fully understand what you wanted to do on the computer? I would shrug it off as a computer glitch or a misunderstanding unless I had strong evidence that the co-worker knowingly gave me wrong instructions.

As someone who always wears lots of bling to work, I say keep on wearing the things you enjoy. If it puts people''s noses out of joint, that''s just too bad.

 

[Elmorton]

Circe, Definitely well said. Sounds like the issues here are separate, but I think the bling can unconsciously add to the problem.

As an undergrad, I worked as a secretary, and learned very quickly that the imbalance of work load and pay is not only frustrating, but confusing - you realize that you''re worth a lot more than you''re being compensated for/treated. And, whenever you stop work to do the work of someone who is paid 10x what you are, it doesn''t make matters better (for example, why am I copy editing a memo written by someone with a PhD or showing my boss how to use a PC when I''m being paid slightly over minimum wage? I have OTHER work to do!). I think this frustration is unfortunately more exaggerated when the both parties are female.

Definitely a smart move by not explaining to your boss that the secretary gave you poor instructions - I wouldn''t mention it to her either. I don''t think it''s too late to better your relationship with her. Start stopping by to say hello to the secretary when you don''t need any help at all. Treat her as your peer. At my previous job, I had a co-worker who would get so steamed because the secretary seemed to be "looking out" for me - and it was because I''d stop by in the afternoon when I knew she wasn''t busy just to chat for a minute or two instead of ignoring her desk until the minute that I frantically needed something. When the only time the secretary sees you, you seem rushed or frantic or unorganized or busy, she will assume that you''re like that all the time, and that doesn''t bode well for building a professional relationship.

What really caught my eye in your post though is that many of your co-workers live in subsidized housing? I would definitely, definitely tone it down with the bling. I used to live in a dying, midwest factory town where the literacy rate was pretty low and income even lower. One time, my husband and I saw a Bentley at the grocery store. I''d never seen one in real life before. While I was absolutely astounded by the beauty of the thing, it seemed like the most fitting metaphor for the disproportionate distribution of wealth in the city where I lived. All I could think of was how many people could be fed, or shoot, how many HOUSES could be purchased for what that car cost. I never thought about what kind of job someone would have to hold to afford that car (like I would if I saw it in say, LA or Chicago), but rather how almost disgusting it was that someone would flaunt their wealth so unnecessarily in that area - it just stuck out so clearly from what everyone else in this town was driving (seriously, where I lived, a "luxury import" was a VW). It''s possible that for some of your co-workers, your bling acts very much like that Bentley did for me.

When I got a plain wedding band to wear alone every now and then, one of my (very money/social class -conscious) friends pointed out "that''s always the classiest option, because no one will ever try to guess how much your husband makes." It''s sad, but my friend is completely right. Even looking at the Royal Jewels thread, less is always the classiest look for daytime.

 

[lyra]

Date: 4/7/2008 6:40:06 PM
Author: studyer83
Madam Bijoux, I agree - I am not sure if we are missing some information/details???

Date: 4/7/2008 12:56:47 PM
Author: Madam Bijoux
I wouldn''t conclude that a co-worker deliberately tried to make you look incompetent because she resents your jewelry/clothes/lifestyle unless she has tried to do it to you or other people before. Has she commented on the clothes or possessions of other co-workers? Is she an envious person? Did she fully understand what you wanted to do on the computer? I would shrug it off as a computer glitch or a misunderstanding unless I had strong evidence that the co-worker knowingly gave me wrong instructions.

As someone who always wears lots of bling to work, I say keep on wearing the things you enjoy. If it puts people''s noses out of joint, that''s just too bad.

Being the paranoid person I am, I could absolutely see this thing as sabotage, regardless of the motivation. Envy and jealousy are strong emotions, and I can just see this person laughing about the outcome to other work friends later. But that''s just me and my very jaded view of corporate life, and because of unbelievably terrible things that have happened to DH during his 30 year career.

 

[diamondfan]

Well, to me, it is no one''s business to spend your money. Maybe it was gifts from your family etc, it is really not their business to decide if you need to be working or not. That said, people can be jerky and make a lot of assumptions so I am not surprised at all.

I hate to say give in and leave some of it at home, but if you think it causes you trouble at work, I might. I go around in a lot of bling sometimes (and sometimes none at all, just depends) and I know people make assumptions. You can try to correct those, which is not likely to make a lot of difference, of you can just try to minimize what they can be saying.

I am sorry if anyone is judging you based on that. Shame on them.

 

[nclrgirl]

Hmm.. I think that it is very likely that I don''t fully understand your situation as I work in a very different industry (I''m an engineer). I see a VERY large range as far as what people wear to work (clothing and jewelry), and it''s mostly personality-dependent. I never really think anything of it if people have very expensive or very modest jewelry, and the same thing goes for clothes. I think that people should wear what they enjoy to work, as long as it''s workplace appropriate (professional looking clothing, not too revealing for women).

As far as the e-invite goes, I also wondered what lead you to believe that person X purposely sabotaged you. She may have misunderstood, or not known how to do it. Can you fill in the blanks?

Either way, I''m very sorry to hear about your uncomfortable situation, and I hope you get the answers that you''re looking for!

 

[movie zombie]

1- i wouldn''t make an assumption that you were deliberately set up.
2- you''re over blinged for your work place.
3-you should be proud of your collection and should wear it proudly outside work.
4-in the old days [and many people still live with a sexist attitude] your display of bling would indicate you don''t need your job and don''t need to advance as obviously you can already afford the things you want. therefore, you don''t need a promotion.

re number 4: this is not my opinion. it is, however, the opinion of many others in the work place and while many men in corporations won''t admit it, this feeling/belief is still entrenched.

re number 2: i have worked in many environments both in the community service area as well as high profile power-house companies and no one wore the combination you described to work. part of your job as a manager/director is to elicit cooporation and foster an environment of good will. that means being sensitive to the reality of the work situation.....and regardless of what you can afford and how hard you''ve worked for it, you''re still in a work environment, not at a fancy dinner house.

i think you handled the mistake and the explanation with your boss with great poise and elegance.

in the future, perhaps if you get advice from this person on how to do something, you''ll have time to double check it with another person or with a training manual.


movie zombie

 

[akmiss]

It is a tough call. The last thing you want to do is come off as an insensitive b*%@! (which I am afraid you do.) Remarks about coworkers living in government subsidized housing and how you work "hard" for your money......... Hm mm, most people do work hard for their money. Are you a republican by any chance?

Did you buy the bling yourself?

But, on the lighter side, you should not have to feel embarrassed by your bling. Only your superiority complex. Maybe she made an honest mistake and wasn''t trying to sabotage your career. Move on and wear what makes you happy. I am not trying to be mean but you have to get along with people. Even if they have a lot less $$$ than you.

 

[LaurenThePartier]

Phoenix, not to completely miss the point of your post, but you can always Google for answers like this regarding typical office suites. I've found that working for mostly start-up software companies, I've had to be resourceful, and this was one of my old stand-bys. Sometimes asking colleagues is the quickest way to a major fumble, not because they intentionally steered you wrong, just because they were distracted working on something else.

You know, I work with a former C-level of HP (she's our COO now), and works basically for the fun of taking a start-up public. Her husband stays at home with their 11 year old son, and she's made millions upon millions from HP. She wears modest jewelery, modest clothes, although if she's wearing designer labels, it's only obvious because of the impeccable quality. She never talks about her home, which we all know was in the neighbourhood of $2 million (which is really in the upper level of homes in DFW). I seem to find that in my career, the smartest of women never make it obvious that they have loads of funds.

I do think you're wearing WAY too much bling to the office, but your paranoia about being deliberately sabotaged seems unfounded. If you don't make the effort to "befriend" those you will rely on for critical projects, you can't really complain when your projects (or questions) are lowest in priority.

Lastly, from the tone of your post, you sound (I hate to say it) almost like you perpetuate this perceived jealousy. Maybe I just don't get why your hubby would instantly jump to the conclusion that the same girl who was a bit rude about a dress, would intentionally try to make you look bad in your career because you wear a lot of expensive things. Or maybe I'm just naive . . .

Good luck - hopefully things will work out for you.

 

[diamondfan]

Akmiss, I did not take her comments at the end as snarky, I think she was giving background. Now, having said that, I might be a bit sensitive to people''s perceptions and with my knowledge of the economic situation where I live, I might think it best to tone things down. Why engender animosity if you can avoid it? And I am not assuming anyone is being overtly nasty based on her jewels, but, human nature being what it is sometimes, I think it is fair to say someone of lesser means might look at all the bling and think she does not need her salary in the same way someone else might.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Hi,

Sounds like you have an amazing collection of jewelry and all the pictures you''ve posted attest to that, but regardless of that, I do agree with the others who''ve stated you''re wearing too much. In your shoes, I''d taper the amount back from what you wear now, to one less piece every week or two (just down to earrings and your wedding set). Don''t cut back all at once or the gals at work will thing they won!

FWIW, I think the majority of people have jealousy issues regarding jewelry. Even if that person isn''t into diamonds, there''s still the concept of someone else having disposable income to spend on luxuries. We all want that!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 4/7/2008 7:56:38 PM
Author: movie zombie

4-in the old days [and many people still live with a sexist attitude] your display of bling would indicate you don''t need your job and don''t need to advance as obviously you can already afford the things you want. therefore, you don''t need a promotion.

re number 4: this is not my opinion. it is, however, the opinion of many others in the work place and while many men in corporations won''t admit it, this feeling/belief is still entrenched.

Yep, I was reading in a resume writing book the other day that when women go in for job interviews jewelry is a big no-no. It''s considered distracting and the book claims MEN do not find it suited for a work environment!

 

[dreamer_dachsie]

I don''t know whether or not the jewelry is related to the mis-information about the e-vite, but I do think that maybe it would be respectful to your colleagues if you tone it down a little. Maybe pick one item each day to wear, then you can enjoy your collection and your colleagues can avoid being constantly reminded of their relative poverty. You should not be ashamed of your collection or you accomplishments. But it is possible that seeing your jewelry makes some of your colleagues feel ashamed about their financial situations. And if they feel uncomfortable or bad about themselves when they spend time with you, then they won''t treat you with the respect you deserve.

DD

 

[akmiss]

dd and diamondfan, I think that you both addressed the issue correctly. I wasn''t sure if she had all the facts about her colleagues and maybe the issue at work is not jewelry related at all. But I do agree that one must dress appropriately for work and toning down the jewelry may help.

 

[akmiss]

Date: 4/7/2008 7:56:38 PM
Author: movie zombie
1- i wouldn''t make an assumption that you were deliberately set up.
2- you''re over blinged for your work place.
3-you should be proud of your collection and should wear it proudly outside work.
4-in the old days [and many people still live with a sexist attitude] your display of bling would indicate you don''t need your job and don''t need to advance as obviously you can already afford the things you want. therefore, you don''t need a promotion.

re number 4: this is not my opinion. it is, however, the opinion of many others in the work place and while many men in corporations won''t admit it, this feeling/belief is still entrenched.

re number 2: i have worked in many environments both in the community service area as well as high profile power-house companies and no one wore the combination you described to work. part of your job as a manager/director is to elicit cooporation and foster an environment of good will. that means being sensitive to the reality of the work situation.....and regardless of what you can afford and how hard you''ve worked for it, you''re still in a work environment, not at a fancy dinner house.

i think you handled the mistake and the explanation with your boss with great poise and elegance.

in the future, perhaps if you get advice from this person on how to do something, you''ll have time to double check it with another person or with a training manual.


movie zombie

 

[nclrgirl]

I must say, that I think this forum is wonderful and all of the ladies and men here are very helpful and kind. However, I do feel that some have been very hard on Phoenix in their responses to this post.

I''m NOT talking about the responses stating that she''s wearing too much bling to work, as she was asking for honest opinions and many people have tastefully shared their feelings.

I just hope that we all remember that there is always a way to express yourself without judging or insulting others. I mean no ill will, and I hope that noone is offended by this post in any way.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I think Movie Zombie''s post had a lot of insight. I have always understood that it wasn''t proper to wear a lot of jewelry in a professional business environment.

I agree with the wedding set, the studs, a simple pendant or pearls, and the watch. Even though my jewelry is on a MUCH smaller scale, it is still nicer than that of most of the people I am around at work. I teach so I am in a more casual enviroment, but I never wear a RHR or my diamond bracelet, etc. to work....just the earrings, a small pendant, a watch, and my wedding set. The other things are worn when we go out somewhere special or to weddings, etc.

 

[diamondfan]

While I do not at all think you should be ashamed or hide it down deep, I do think, knowing the likely lack of discretionary money your co workers have, it just seems sensible and kind to play it down a bit. Please know I am not judging you at all, and think it is wonderful that you have accomplished so much. But if your peers are really not in the ball park, it just seems more considerate to be low key. Still know that what you have accomplished is great, and not to be devalued, but that it is a matter of savvy and consideration. Them knowing what you have is a general thing, it stays quiet at work. That said, I would hope no one sabotaged you deliberately, that would be nasty.

 

[Circe]

Aw, thanks, EM. Dittoing, in turn, everything you said - it hadn''t occurred to me, but it can''t be said often enough. I''m pretty damned startled sometimes by how people treat the support staff in their offices (this isn''t aimed directly at you, Phoenix, btw - it just seems worth reiterating, because so many people do it without thinking).

Getting back to the original issue, though, and just to take it out of the loaded context of bling and its relationship to wealth, status, presentation, etc. ... try thinking about it in terms of clothes, and not designer vs. off-the-rack, either: rather, in terms of the *other* kind of rack (sorry for the crassness, but my inability to resist a pun verges on being a disorder). Those who have the build look fantastic in plunging necklines ... but are they necessarily work-place-appropriate? Nope. I love me some cleavage after hours, but I''d wrap myself in burlap before coming to work showing anything more than collar-bone. It''s not necessarily a contradiction to my general got-it-flaunt-it philosophy: it''s just that there''s a time and a place. Your collection is gorgeous, and you should enjoy it ... but not if it damages your chances for professional advancement, or your relationships in the workplace (as other people have said with considerably more eloquence).

 

[D2B]

HI
I agree with PP advice about toning down the bling and cultivating your secretary, (I have found this pays off and most of the time we end up great work friends as well).

One other factor to consider apart from the organisational culture you operate in, is the country culture. From memory, are you in the australasia region? If so, then excessive bling is not part of the general social scene , I know if I wore that much in australia I would be really frowned upon. My understanding of Asian diamond culture is that it is quality rather than quantity, coupled with general conservative work cultures and appropriate ''dress'' which inlcudes accessories, they all make subconcious statements at work, which sends of signals we need to be aware off. Silly, but that is how it is.

Hope that makes sense. I live in an affluent town outside london at the moment, and the amount of eternity bands I have seen since moving here, you could count on one hand, I am so blinged out in this country, (in terms of normal people), however in reality, I would be one of the least blingy on PS. I guess it is all relative to job/organisation and country.

Good luck
D2B