bachelor party blues...

[Ladyoflovers]

Hello,

I know this is very personal and most of you may find it unnecessary but i guess this bachelor party is going to cancel our wedding plans. long story short, i wanted to tell him that the thought of his being alone in a private room with a stripper was just unacceptable to me no matter what an intercourse takes place or they just get an inch close to each other or she does her thing. he said i shouldn''t tell him what to do or what not to do, then we shouldn''t just get married at all. i said fine.

there isn''t even a planned event yet. i just wanted to tell him how i felt about these kinds of parties. i also emphasized that i was totally fine his going to strip clubs and watching naked girls on the stage as long as he sits at his table. but hotel rooms, vip rooms, or houses is just bothering me. especially when i saw his cousin''s bachelor party pictures from last year as my FI still keeps them! it makes me sick seeing him with that girl in pictures and his now wife and mother of a 3-month-old has no idea what went on that night. my understanding of "having fun" is definitely not this. and i don''t think i want to cope with this any more. i''m sure there should be some other guys somewhere who wouldn''t prefer private sessions with strippers over their 6 years of relationships. i''m just heartbroken.

 

[lumpkin]

I don''t blame you. I have no tolerance for that at all, even to the extent of going to a club.

Once at the office someone had a belly dancer come in for someone''s birthday. The dancer''s mother in law came with her.

I don''t know what else to say except that I would be very uncomfortable with that kind of activity, too. This is the age of STD''s, and promiscuity is a deal breaker for me. I''m very fortunate to have a husband who would himself be very uncomfortable at that type of bachelor party, or generally that type of situation.

 

[Beacon]

What a bad deal. I feel very sorry for you, but if that''s all it took for him to cancel the wedding then I think you are better off w/o him!

I have to agree with you on the bachelor party thing. Personally I find it totally repellant to do that stuff immediately before you are supposed to get married. It puts an unhappy face on the whole thing to me. i don''t think it sets up the scenario for a happy wedding. Of course, drinking with the guy friends is all good or dinner or whatever but when they get in the professional girls I just think it stinks. I have have seen it the other way, where the girls have a bachelorette party that probably would make the husband cancel the wedding if he knew all about it. But they didn''t know, so they did it. Is that good or bad?

 

[Ladyoflovers]

i don''t know what is good or bad anymore. i just know that i''m not stepping back this time. i just hate his attitude. we are getting married, of course i will tell him what to do or what not to do; the same way he does to me all the time! if what he tells me bothers me, i just don''t do it and tell him "nicely" why i refuse to do it. i never have an attitude of i don''t care what you say. maybe we are just not the right couple. it''s funny, besides this subject, we get along pretty well. he is kind of a guy, who wouldn''t be uncomfortable if his girlfriend had a crazy bachelorette party and happened to do "things" with male strippers. but i don''t like that! i would want my man to get jeolous of me a little. i guess i''m going crazy. sorry guys!

 

[decodelighted]

Is this the same guy who you were afraid would "take advantage of you" because you''re not American? The one you didn''t want to "get his hands on your income"? The one who always jokes about wishing he''d found a "rich girl" so he could stay at home & do nothing? The one who doesn''t like to pay for things?

I think many folks saw some red flags about this earlier. Take care of yourself! Do what''s best for YOU!

 

[luckystar112]

When I get engaged I don''t think that I will have any problem with my BF going to a strip club, or having a stripper show up to wherever they are. I used to by kind of psycho about it....like, "ABSOLUTELY NOT!" Didn''t even want him to go during someone else''s bachelor party. We got into a huge fight about it.

My BF''s friends are always talking about this one bachelor party where the actual bachelor passed out, and my BF took over as the "lucky guy" who got the lap dance from the stripper. Everyone wanted him to do it because they knew that he wouldn''t be able to handle it. I saw photos of the occasion, and my BF looked SO uncomfortable. He later told me that he wasn''t attracted to her AT ALL and what made it worse is that everyone was watching.

Then after one long night on the town with a bunch of couples, someone got the (drunken) idea that we should go to a strip club. All of us, including the women, were up for the adventure...so we went. Maybe it was because other girls were there with me, but I was able to stay relaxed, and I realized that these women have zero interest in my boyfriend. And really, he has no interest in them either.

So, nah....I don''t think I''ll care if there is a stripper at my BF''s bachelor party. And I can almost guarantee there will be one, because that''s just how all of his friends are.

But then again, if I EVER found out my BF went into a private room with a stripper and no one else, that would be a deal breaker for me. And the fact that he wanted to break off your engagement because you don''t like the idea of it either is just ABSURD.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 7/27/2007 6:11:57 PM
Author: Ladyoflovers
i don''t know what is good or bad anymore. i just know that i''m not stepping back this time. i just hate his attitude. we are getting married, of course i will tell him what to do or what not to do; the same way he does to me all the time! if what he tells me bothers me, i just don''t do it and tell him ''nicely'' why i refuse to do it. i never have an attitude of i don''t care what you say. maybe we are just not the right couple. it''s funny, besides this subject, we get along pretty well. he is kind of a guy, who wouldn''t be uncomfortable if his girlfriend had a crazy bachelorette party and happened to do ''things'' with male strippers. but i don''t like that! i would want my man to get jeolous of me a little. i guess i''m going crazy. sorry guys!

I''m sorry to hear this is taking such a toll.

However, being with a guy who has a history of jealousy, I will tell you, that is not something you ever want see in a guy. Don''t play with fire. I have very carefully managed the green-eyed monster in TGuy, and fortunately have not seen it at all. But I''ve heard stories. I want my guy to feel secure in our relationship and I make sure he feels that way, even if it takes a bit of extra coddling. Men!

As for the whole bachelor party thing...yeah, I didn''t like it. A bunch of guys took TGuy to Vegas, and I heard they did go to a strip club. TGuy came home and fessed up that the boys did sic the female dogs on him (he stayed mum on what the other guys did personally though, which I respect). Did it absolutely irritate me? Yes. Did I trust that nothing happened? Yes. I trust him...if I didn''t, I couldn''t have married him. Before he left, I said, look all you want. Let them crawl over you all they want. But please don''t lay a finger on anyone. Not that he could before a bouncer pounded him anyway.

Men, will always find pretty things to (hopefully subtly) gawk at. Heck, I''d be willing to bet there are women out there that TGuy may find prettier than me (

). But he made the commitment to me, and I hold near and dear to my heart that he meant it. I have to take his word for it, or it can drive a gal insane.

Ironically, I was thrown a surprise bachorette party that same weekend he left by all the wives of the guys who were with him. It was just a girl''s night out at a bar (no biggie), and he heard through the grapevine that I was hit on by some cute British guy. The thought that a *real* person was interested in me was way more terrifying to him than the thought of a stripper rubbing himself all over me!

 

[Ladyoflovers]

yes, you are all right. i guess i should just take off this ring now.

i need to head out to the park a little for some jogging, otherwise i don''t think i''ll be able to handle this calmly by staying indoors.

thank you for all the replies. i''ll check in again here in a few hours. unbelievable! an imaginery stripper is changing my life now. i can''t believe it!

 

[SuzyQZ]

My husband went to a bachelor party that consisted of a day of golf at a fabulous course, dinner, poker, great scotch and cigars. They had a great time (and not a stripper in sight!) The prevailing thought of the gathering was to wish their buddy well, congratulations and good luck with his upcoming married life and enjoy a few fun memories like a "roast".

It was NOT, "hey, time to get your one last fling in before you are tied to that old battle axe for the rest of your life!"

I think that bachelor parties in the sense of getting strippers and an excuse for a bunch of guys to behave badly is not as accepted as it once was.

Maybe I'm wrong??

ETA: If it's a choice between stripper "contact" vs your marriage and your marriage loses. Better to find out now. Hard to take, but better to know now.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Honestly the thought of my DH going to a strip club does not bother me (am I in the minority?). His cousin just got jilted at the alter (three weeks before their wedding) and I actually SUGGESTED they go to a strip club to help his cousin get his mind off his troubles when he was here to visit us. I trust my husband and know that he would never cross the line. That being said it sounds like you have more problems than his desire for a bachelor party. Like Suzy said, better you figure out if your marriage is going to work NOW than later.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 7/27/2007 6:30:33 PM
Author: SuzyQZ
My husband went to a bachelor party that consisted of a day of golf at a fabulous course, dinner, poker, great scotch and cigars. They had a great time (and not a stripper in sight!) The prevailing thought of the gathering was to wish their buddy well, congratulations and good luck with his upcoming married life and enjoy a few fun memories like a ''roast''.

It was NOT, ''hey, time to get your one last fling in before you are tied to that old battle axe for the rest of your life!''

I think that bachelor parties in the sense of getting strippers and an excuse for a bunch of guys to behave badly is not as accepted as it once was.

Maybe I''m wrong??

ETA: If it''s a choice between a bachelor party vs your marriage and your marriage loses. Better to find out now. Hard to take, but better to know now.

SuzyQ, THAT is what my husband would have totally preferred (and I actually believe him), but it seems all the married boys really like to embarrass the about-to-be married one!

LL, I don''t know too much about your relationship, except that some people here have seen a red flag or two. I''m not sure this should be the demise of your relationship if it is otherwise truly healthy. I can tell you now, the lame reaction you got won''t be the last you''ll see of the "she ain''t gonna tell ME what to do!" knee-jerk variety. Men aren''t always the most sensitive when it comes to others feelings. What matters to me is that they come around once their ego lands back on earth.

 

[Independent Gal]

I''m 100% with you Lady. I find that kind of thing completely repellant and am not sure I could deal with a guy who WANTED "that kind" of bachelor party. I''ve heard about some of these from my ex-BF and I could hardly even believe my ears, some of the things that went on. I''m sure they are not all "like that" but I didn''t even know some of these such things existed.

I think it would be nice if, just because you feel so strongly about it, your FI would NOT do it for that reason alone.

And frankly, the idea that you "can''t tell [your future husband] what he can or can''t do" when it comes to what is really sexual fidelity sounds silly to me.

(By the way, my FI is off to Turkey for three weeks for work! I''m so jealous.

)

 

[Beacon]

Date: 7/27/2007 6:30:33 PM
Author: SuzyQZ
My husband went to a bachelor party that consisted of a day of golf at a fabulous course, dinner, poker, great scotch and cigars. They had a great time (and not a stripper in sight!) The prevailing thought of the gathering was to wish their buddy well, congratulations and good luck with his upcoming married life and enjoy a few fun memories like a ''roast''.

It was NOT, ''hey, time to get your one last fling in before you are tied to that old battle axe for the rest of your life!''

I think that bachelor parties in the sense of getting strippers and an excuse for a bunch of guys to behave badly is not as accepted as it once was.

Maybe I''m wrong??

ETA: If it''s a choice between stripper ''contact'' vs your marriage and your marriage loses. Better to find out now. Hard to take, but better to know now.

Mine did a similar thing with his guy friends at a resort in Sonoma,CA. They had a great time.

It sounds like you and your man are on the opposites sides of some important marital issues, ones that will come up again later in life. That he will not even discuss it with you and wants to cancel the wedding speaks volumes. The red flag doesn''t get any bigger - you need a better guy. Sorry.

 

[SuzyQZ]

Date: 7/27/2007 6:39:31 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 7/27/2007 6:30:33 PM
Author: SuzyQZ
My husband went to a bachelor party that consisted of a day of golf at a fabulous course, dinner, poker, great scotch and cigars. They had a great time (and not a stripper in sight!) The prevailing thought of the gathering was to wish their buddy well, congratulations and good luck with his upcoming married life and enjoy a few fun memories like a 'roast'.

It was NOT, 'hey, time to get your one last fling in before you are tied to that old battle axe for the rest of your life!'

I think that bachelor parties in the sense of getting strippers and an excuse for a bunch of guys to behave badly is not as accepted as it once was.

Maybe I'm wrong??

ETA: If it's a choice between a bachelor party vs your marriage and your marriage loses. Better to find out now. Hard to take, but better to know now.

SuzyQ, THAT is what my husband would have totally preferred (and I actually believe him), but it seems all the married boys really like to embarrass the about-to-be married one!

LL, I don't know too much about your relationship, except that some people here have seen a red flag or two. I'm not sure this should be the demise of your relationship if it is otherwise truly healthy. I can tell you now, the lame reaction you got won't be the last you'll see of the 'she ain't gonna tell ME what to do!' knee-jerk variety. Men aren't always the most sensitive when it comes to others feelings. What matters to me is that they come around once their ego lands back on earth.

TG:
Mine too. The truth is that he would not be the least bit intersted in a "stripper" type of party. He just would not go to something like that given a choice. On the other hand, give him an early tee time, on a challenging course, followed by a big juicy steak and some very old scotch. Well, the man would be in HEAVEN!!!.

I agree that what is going on here is "You're not going to tell me what I can and cannot do." Seems like it's the fact that Ladyoflovers doesn't want him to do it that is rubbing him the wrong way. In my opinion, that's not a good sign. If he's willing to can the wedding over this hypothetical situation that isn't really a tangible plan at this point, well, that's just not good.

 

[KimberlyH]

What comes down to is not whether the women on PS or anywhere else think strip clubs are okay or not, it''s whether or not this is a dealbreaker for you and the answer is: yes, it is. And I think he told you, in big bold figurative writing, how important your comfort and security is to him when he said "then we shouldn''t just get married at all." I would hope that anyone commiting to marriage would be adult enough to have a conversation about this and any other topic/potential conflict that is of importance to you as opposed to making such a bold statement and being done with it.

FWIW, I wouldn''t care if DH went to a strip club or , or went to one tonight for that matter, because I trust him implicitly; I couldn''t have said the same thing about any of the men I dated before him and that is part of the reason why I married him.

 

[SuzyQZ]

Date: 7/27/2007 7:25:01 PM
Author: KimberlyH
What comes down to is not whether the women on PS or anywhere else think strip clubs are okay or not, it''s whether or not this is a dealbreaker for you and the answer is: yes, it is. And I think he told you, in big bold figurative writing, how important your comfort and security is to him when he said ''then we shouldn''t just get married at all.'' I would hope that anyone commiting to marriage would be adult enough to have a conversation about this and any other topic/potential conflict that is of importance to you as opposed to making such a bold statement and being done with it.

FWIW, I wouldn''t care if DH went to a strip club or , or went to one tonight for that matter, because I trust him implicitly; I couldn''t have said the same thing about any of the men I dated before him and that is part of the reason why I married him.

KimberlyH:

Yes, you are right. That is the issue.
She expressed her feelings about it and he didn''t think they warranted consideration.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 7/27/2007 7:31:05 PM
Author: SuzyQZ

Date: 7/27/2007 7:25:01 PM
Author: KimberlyH
What comes down to is not whether the women on PS or anywhere else think strip clubs are okay or not, it''s whether or not this is a dealbreaker for you and the answer is: yes, it is. And I think he told you, in big bold figurative writing, how important your comfort and security is to him when he said ''then we shouldn''t just get married at all.'' I would hope that anyone commiting to marriage would be adult enough to have a conversation about this and any other topic/potential conflict that is of importance to you as opposed to making such a bold statement and being done with it.

FWIW, I wouldn''t care if DH went to a strip club or , or went to one tonight for that matter, because I trust him implicitly; I couldn''t have said the same thing about any of the men I dated before him and that is part of the reason why I married him.

KimberlyH:

Yes, you are right. That is the issue.
She expressed her feelings about it and he didn''t think they warranted consideration.

I hope that my statement didn''t come across as rude, it wasn''t my intent. I just didn''t want LOL to muddle the feelings of others, including my own, about bachelor parties and strip clubs/strippers with her own values and back down about something that is clearly so important to her.

 

[SuzyQZ]

Date: 7/27/2007 8:05:08 PM
Author: KimberlyH

Date: 7/27/2007 7:31:05 PM
Author: SuzyQZ

Date: 7/27/2007 7:25:01 PM
Author: KimberlyH
What comes down to is not whether the women on PS or anywhere else think strip clubs are okay or not, it''s whether or not this is a dealbreaker for you and the answer is: yes, it is. And I think he told you, in big bold figurative writing, how important your comfort and security is to him when he said ''then we shouldn''t just get married at all.'' I would hope that anyone commiting to marriage would be adult enough to have a conversation about this and any other topic/potential conflict that is of importance to you as opposed to making such a bold statement and being done with it.

FWIW, I wouldn''t care if DH went to a strip club or , or went to one tonight for that matter, because I trust him implicitly; I couldn''t have said the same thing about any of the men I dated before him and that is part of the reason why I married him.

KimberlyH:

Yes, you are right. That is the issue.
She expressed her feelings about it and he didn''t think they warranted consideration.

I hope that my statement didn''t come across as rude, it wasn''t my intent. I just didn''t want LOL to muddle the feelings of others, including my own, about bachelor parties and strip clubs/strippers with her own values and back down about something that is clearly so important to her.

No rudeness read into your statement at all. No worries.
I agree with you. The issue is her stong feelings about something (anything) and him not giving them validity and flippantly calling off the wedding. That IS a problem and big red flag.

It''s easy to digress into the appropriateness of strippers and strip clubs. I trust my husband too and would never for one minute have a concern if he were to attend a venue where strippers were present. But, that is not what should be focused on here.

When my husband and I have a difference of opinion about something, we agree to give more weight to the person who has the strongest feelings about something. If it really matters to one spouse, than it should be of importance to the other and taken into consideration, if for no other reason than they have really strong feelings about something. Does that make sense?

 

[Ladyoflovers]

Hello again. i am well aware that this is not how it is supposed to be between a soon-to-be-wed couple. i tried to express him what i''d prefer and what bothers me and it looks like he can''t even stand having that conversation with me. furthermore, i don''t want to leave a wrong image among you: i''m not a jeolous type of girl. he is always free to hang out with his friends, family, etc and i never question him or even bother calling him to check on. he has always been comfortable with his social life by himself. he even tells me how jeolous his friends'' girlfriends or wives are, that the poor boys have a hard time hanging out together. i even told him that he can go to a strip club and have fun as long as the girls are on the stage and doing their jobs. i just didn''t want the strippers being brought to some friends'' houses or hotel rooms. that bugs me only. according to him, a cheating occurs when the intercourse takes place. but i don''t agree with that. two organs do not need to get connection for a sexual affair. the girl''s being all over him or performing some other acts on him is perfectly cheating and i can''t stand even thinking about it. if he didn''t assure me that we were on the same page in this matter, my whole relationship would change the morning he got back from that party. i don''t think i could even touch him after all. ah, this is just awful.

 

[Ladyoflovers]

Date: 7/27/2007 8:26:50 PM
Author: SuzyQZ

Date: 7/27/2007 8:05:08 PM
Author: KimberlyH

Date: 7/27/2007 7:31:05 PM
Author: SuzyQZ

Date: 7/27/2007 7:25:01 PM
Author: KimberlyH
What comes down to is not whether the women on PS or anywhere else think strip clubs are okay or not, it''s whether or not this is a dealbreaker for you and the answer is: yes, it is. And I think he told you, in big bold figurative writing, how important your comfort and security is to him when he said ''then we shouldn''t just get married at all.'' I would hope that anyone commiting to marriage would be adult enough to have a conversation about this and any other topic/potential conflict that is of importance to you as opposed to making such a bold statement and being done with it.

FWIW, I wouldn''t care if DH went to a strip club or , or went to one tonight for that matter, because I trust him implicitly; I couldn''t have said the same thing about any of the men I dated before him and that is part of the reason why I married him.

KimberlyH:

Yes, you are right. That is the issue.
She expressed her feelings about it and he didn''t think they warranted consideration.

I hope that my statement didn''t come across as rude, it wasn''t my intent. I just didn''t want LOL to muddle the feelings of others, including my own, about bachelor parties and strip clubs/strippers with her own values and back down about something that is clearly so important to her.

No rudeness read into your statement at all. No worries.
I agree with you. The issue is her stong feelings about something (anything) and him not giving them validity and flippantly calling off the wedding. That IS a problem and big red flag.

It''s easy to digress into the appropriateness of strippers and strip clubs. I trust my husband too and would never for one minute have a concern if he were to attend a venue where strippers were present. But, that is not what should be focused on here.

When my husband and I have a difference of opinion about something, we agree to give more weight to the person who has the strongest feelings about something. If it really matters to one spouse, than it should be of importance to the other and taken into consideration, if for no other reason than they have really strong feelings about something. Does that make sense?

it perfectly does. that is how it is supposed to be for a long lasting relationship.

 

[SuzyQZ]

Date: 7/27/2007 8:30:47 PM
Author: Ladyoflovers
Hello again. i am well aware that this is not how it is supposed to be between a soon-to-be-wed couple. i tried to express him what i''d prefer and what bothers me and it looks like he can''t even stand having that conversation with me. furthermore, i don''t want to leave a wrong image among you: i''m not a jeolous type of girl. he is always free to hang out with his friends, family, etc and i never question him or even bother calling him to check on. he has always been comfortable with his social life by himself. he even tells me how jeolous his friends'' girlfriends or wives are, that the poor boys have a hard time hanging out together. i even told him that he can go to a strip club and have fun as long as the girls are on the stage and doing their jobs. i just didn''t want the strippers being brought to some friends'' houses or hotel rooms. that bugs me only. according to him, a cheating occurs when the intercourse takes place. but i don''t agree with that. two organs do not need to get connection for a sexual affair. the girl''s being all over him or performing some other acts on him is perfectly cheating and i can''t stand even thinking about it. if he didn''t assure me that we were on the same page in this matter, my whole relationship would change the morning he got back from that party. i don''t think i could even touch him after all. ah, this is just awful.

It seems to me that you are being resonable and you specifically only object to certain proximity and physical contact issues with a stripper. That is your "line in the sand". It doesn''t seem like it should be so hard for him to honor your wishes. Telling you that cheating doesn''t happen until there is actual physical intercourse, well that''s just plain scary!

 

[KimberlyH]

LOL, you haven''t come across as someone who is controlling, we all have things that are important to us in a relationship and this is one of yours. I respect you for knowing what you can compromise on and what just doesn''t work for and with you. You''ve made a reasonable request, be proud of yourself for standing your ground.

 

[iheartscience]

Ladyoflovers, I have the same feelings as you do about strip clubs vs. private parties. The things that go on in private parties would never happen at a strip club. They''re usually essentially sex shows that involve either two strippers doing things with each other or with the bachelor and others doing things to the stripper. Maybe not with his own body, but you can probably figure out what I mean without me spelling it out. It''s seriously disgusting and bewildering to me that anyone would want to participate in something so degrading.

I think it''s unacceptable that your fiance is so dismissive of your EXTREMELY reasonable concern. I really hope you make the right decision for yourself because his reaction to your concerns seems very unhealthy. In my opinion, it''s definitely a sign of bigger problems in your relationship. Good luck.

 

[Ladyoflovers]

thanks for all your support. knowing that i''m not being unreasonable helps. well, i already took out my beautiful ring. i''m just glad that this is happening before i signed the contract with the hotel where all our ceremony and reception would take place. some things really happen for a reason i guess.

 

[SuzyQZ]

Date: 7/27/2007 9:03:09 PM
Author: Ladyoflovers
thanks for all your support. knowing that i''m not being unreasonable helps. well, i already took out my beautiful ring. i''m just glad that this is happening before i signed the contract with the hotel where all our ceremony and reception would take place. some things really happen for a reason i guess.

Ohh, I feel so sad for you. You sound so heart-broken

.

Don''t ever lose hope. Maybe after he thinks about it he will reconsider his position. Only you know in your heart if he recants if you can trust him and know he is sincere. I hope he does come around and see things your way.

You sound like such a lovely person and I think you are being very reasonable in what you are asking of him.

Good luck to you. ((hugs))

 

[luckystar112]

ladyofllovers,

Besides this whole stripper fiasco, I hope you realize that him saying "maybe we shouldn''t get married then" is a HUGE issue. Say this whole situation blows over and the wedding is back on. Down the road when you get into a tiff will it be, "well maybe we should get divorced then?" or "well maybe I should move out then". It''s just an extremely immature way to communicate with your spouse. Do you want to walk around on your tip toes your whole marriage wondering if he''s serious the next time he says it?

 

[LAJennifer]

If I remember correctly - didn''t you already marry this guy in a civil ceremony? In order to split up, do you have to get divorced?

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 7/27/2007 9:44:21 PM
Author: luckystar112
ladyofllovers,

Besides this whole stripper fiasco, I hope you realize that him saying ''maybe we shouldn''t get married then'' is a HUGE issue. Say this whole situation blows over and the wedding is back on. Down the road when you get into a tiff will it be, ''well maybe we should get divorced then?'' or ''well maybe I should move out then''. It''s just an extremely immature way to communicate with your spouse. Do you want to walk around on your tip toes your whole marriage wondering if he''s serious the next time he says it?

I agree that it''s a very immature way of communication.

However, this does not mean the person can''t mature!

My husband and I BOTH have a temper. (I know...I just seem so SWEET here on PS...not.) We have said some lame things when we argue, which included things like "the wedding is off!" or "I''m not afraid to divorce your a**, you know!" OK, the last one was only said once, and not by me...since once we were married I was committed to being stuck, hehehe, but I''ve said equally dumb things.

The thing is we sit down after the temper cools and discuss. We learn that we don''t mean those things but they are still not healthy things to say. We learn how to improve communication and we actually DO it. We inch forward, literally and as time passes we can actually see the uptick. It''s great. It''s work. It''s rewarding.

Feelings are going to get hurt in a relationship. Now, again, I don''t know your man...he really could be someone worth getting away from, I don''t know. But for many of us, communication does not come naturally...it''s a skill that is constantly being honed as your partner constantly is surprising you with how lame s/he can be.

 

[luckystar112]

Date: 7/27/2007 9:49:59 PM
Author: LAJennifer
If I remember correctly - didn''t you already marry this guy in a civil ceremony? In order to split up, do you have to get divorced?

Yikes! Yes, she is already married.

 

[Ladyoflovers]

Hi again. Yes, we are. But when we went to city hall, we weren''t even engaged but have been together for 5 years. we did this "secretly" for my expiring visa problems. we were planning on getting married, but i just wanted everything to be traditional although my time for visa expiration was clicking. noone knows about it besides you guys and my mom. for about 2.5 half months after we got married, he proposed and we got engaged. i didn''t transfer my wedding docs to my home country, to be able to say "i do" in front of my family and friends.

i have been thinking today. since he kept this as a secret from his family, maybe we could file annulment (spelling maybe wrong) not to ruin his relationship with them. i know for sure that if you really love someone, you can not just spend the words "let''s not get married" or let that person be upset over your stripper fantasies!