Anyone been through a divorce before? Seeking advice.

[momhappy]

momhappy - thank you for your reply! It's funny, when I tell people in person they kind of just blankly stare for a second and then say "are you serious?" I hate it. I would love to avoid that whole thing. I'm telling my friends in person as I see them. However, we have mutual friends that like to come hang out all the time and we haven't told them yet. I think a group message to them (there are 5-6 of them) will help them and help us get it out on the table. It will allow me to see what he is telling them as well. I don't want to give him the chance to spin this. Thanks for your advice - onward and upward!

Yes, I agree! Divorce is hard enough, so if you can make it a little easier in some small ways (like putting it out there in a joint email with your soon-to-be ex to reduce the awkwardness), then that's another small win that can keep the momentum moving forward.
Good luck with all of it and keep us posted.

 

[azstonie]

Hi ihy!!!

For your consideration: No email from the two of you because you two aren't a couple anymore so no pretending. If you are going to have a name change, start that immediately beginning with your email and FB and Instagram names. I was surprised at how fast people took up my maiden name but then none of 'our' friends went with him. For those who might think that is a 'shame,' remember that people don't like lying sneaking cheaters and don't select them as friends unless they too are lying sneaking cheaters.

And I LOVE your new jewels!

I promise you it is a short time of sadness starting from when you aren't cohabiting with him. Another reason to move out asap. So what you'll be at your folks' for a brief period of transition. Itll give you a chance to make decisions based on what's best for you.

 

[ihy138]

I'd make a guess and say now that he has lost you he has probably started to be needy and demanding towards the other woman which is why she has suddenly grown cold. IMHO people that have internet romances and romances in their heads and even affairs might be great at fantasy, but when they have to live with each other in the real world they sometimes aren't equipped for the trite every day stuff, the every day stuff just doesn't fit with the thrill of illicit meetings or being chased or chasing someone. That and the fact she might have worked out her own husband was probably a better catch than your husband.

Please, once again I stress take care of yourself, your parents will love you for you no matter what. You didn't hurt or disappoint anyone. You married a guy who put you in a shitty position. If he can do that to you once he can and will do it again. I'm another person that speaks from experience, and one of the most difficult things for me to rationalise was he didn't have the courage to say this isn't working and just move on, or move out or leave, I could have dealt with that, but being cheated on and lied to, I can honestly say all of the wonderful decent women on this forum that were put in that position, are worth so much more than that, we deserved so much more than that...... Move out as soon as you can, get on with your life and as hard as it is now, know there is better to come for you, because you are a great person and you deserve so MUCH more.

That's an interesting hypothesis, arkieb, one that I think has merit. The truth is, this other woman is not committed, she never was, and likely never will be. My husband says he understands that and is "pretty sure it won't work out." He's still willing to risk the end of our marriage, a partnership I know works at least decently well and both of us were willing to work for at one time. He even said that if he moves to be with this person that he would give me the dog. Our boy is his most loved thing in this world, and he's willing to give up that, too for her. Just blows my mind.

But I'm putting myself first, taking care of me, and not backing down. I've stood my ground asking for a settlement and he's given it to me. To think I wasn't going to ask for anything. I really appreciate your kind words. I'm sorry you went through this as well, but I admire how strong you seem to be as a result. Thank you - you are really kind and lovely. I hope all the women reading this also feel empowered to go out and get what they deserve.

 

[ihy138]

Hi ihy!!!

For your consideration: No email from the two of you because you two aren't a couple anymore so no pretending. If you are going to have a name change, start that immediately beginning with your email and FB and Instagram names. I was surprised at how fast people took up my maiden name but then none of 'our' friends went with him. For those who might think that is a 'shame,' remember that people don't like lying sneaking cheaters and don't select them as friends unless they too are lying sneaking cheaters.

And I LOVE your new jewels!

I promise you it is a short time of sadness starting from when you aren't cohabiting with him. Another reason to move out asap. So what you'll be at your folks' for a brief period of transition. Itll give you a chance to make decisions based on what's best for you.

Hi azstonie!! Thank you for your advice. We still haven't told mutual friends but have told our own friends and I actually told my parents today. It was very tough but they were so wonderful and supportive. They said I will always have a home there with them. They were shocked at first, and I felt terrible for bringing them bad news. But they were nothing but great. I have plans to move back there and be very much like a tenant. I won't be moving until after Christmas, but they said I could stay there whenever I'd like. They just need time to re-arrange things, which I fully understand. I think I could be happy there especially if I am paying down debt and figuring out my next move.

I never took his name (perhaps another sign that I had some reservations?), so no need to change social media or any other legal identification. I'm grateful for that as well.

Thank you all for your wonderful support. It means more than you all could ever know.I was thinking earlier today about how lucky I am. I have my health and people who care about me. What else could I need?

 

[lovedogs]

I'm glad to hear you are doing well--I've been thinking of you this week and hoping you weren't drowning between your situation and the election. UGH, your soon-to-be ex sounds like SUCH A MAN-CHILD! I'm sorry, but WTF?! IS HE SURPRISED THAT HE MADE MORONIC CHOICES AND NOW HAS TO DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES?! Surprised that you aren't going to keep being his "friend" and partner once he's been such a lying scumbag?! Sometimes I just can't fathom what is going through people's heads. I think (and I am trying not to be too "sexist" here), that this happens to men sometimes. Somehow they get used to women "taking care" of them, and get this idea that they can have a wife/friend/partner and also all the excitement of a mistress too, and then get confused when things don't work out. It's like they never learned that partnership is a 2-way street, and that they need to act like adults rather than children. Of course I'm sure there are women like this too, but stories like yours (e.g. with husbands) are the ones I hear more often than the other way around.

I agree that you moving out ASAP is the best thing for you. I'm glad that your parents are supportive and that you'll be able to live with them while things settle. I'm also thrilled that your friends (the ones you've told) have been understanding. That's always a huge help to have people who support you and understand what you are going through. And as others have said, we are all here for you!!!

 

[katharath]

Ihy138- I have to tell you that I think you're doing amazingly well. I feel so vicariously proud of you - I guess maybe that sounds a bit strange, and if so I'm sorry! - but just reading your posts, I can see you making progress all the time. Your decisions, thoughts, outlook etc show that you're moving forward all the time. I love that you're setting boundaries and sticking to them. I have to admit that your comment about your husband's potentially future moldy laundry was pretty funny.

I really hope the best for you. I hope you get to move out soon. And it might be nice being with your parents for awhile!! If you end up there, make the best of it and let your parents spoil you

 

[Smores84]

Ihy138,
I am so sorry about all that you are going through. Sending you hugs and wishing for the absolute best for you!

 

[kylier]

So glad you were able to tell your parents and that they were supportive. Having a safe place helps so much at a time like this. Best wishes.

 

[missy]

ihy, I am continuing to send good thoughts your way and you are doing so well!
I am glad your parents are supportive and there for you. That will make such a difference in this ordeal.

You are a strong wonderful woman and I know you will come out of this even stronger and happier than you ever could have imagined. Biggest (((hugs))) and love your way.

 

[Bron357]

My advice, gather up all the things you want, including the dog if you can home him, and tell the ex goodbye. If you have no joint assets to divide I'd forget any ideas of lawyers and "getting restitution". The only people who make money or get a benefit out of legal action is the lawyers. It just drags the situation on and on. It's incredibly toxic to do that, you want to just shut the door, walk and never look back. Unfortunately he is an immature jerk. He isn't a nice person, planning an affair/ new life behind your back, getting caught out, pretending to commit to repairing the relationship and then saying no, I'm not into this. Whether he fell out of love with you or whether he even knows what love is is his problem, his flaw and his short coming. Not your problem. And please, please, if in 6 to 12 months he is back knocking on your door because he finds the whole dating scene and finding another as good as you too difficult and you hear "I made a mistake, I see that now, I'm so sorry, I want to try us again", shut, no SLAM the door in his face. Good riddance to bad rubbish. Wishing you well and a lovely new kind, honest, genuine and loving partner when the time is right.

 

[partgypsy]

I'm glad to hear you are doing well--I've been thinking of you this week and hoping you weren't drowning between your situation and the election. UGH, your soon-to-be ex sounds like SUCH A MAN-CHILD! I'm sorry, but WTF?! IS HE SURPRISED THAT HE MADE MORONIC CHOICES AND NOW HAS TO DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES?! Surprised that you aren't going to keep being his "friend" and partner once he's been such a lying scumbag?! Sometimes I just can't fathom what is going through people's heads. I think (and I am trying not to be too "sexist" here), that this happens to men sometimes. Somehow they get used to women "taking care" of them, and get this idea that they can have a wife/friend/partner and also all the excitement of a mistress too, and then get confused when things don't work out. It's like they never learned that partnership is a 2-way street, and that they need to act like adults rather than children. Of course I'm sure there are women like this too, but stories like yours (e.g. with husbands) are the ones I hear more often than the other way around.

I agree that you moving out ASAP is the best thing for you. I'm glad that your parents are supportive and that you'll be able to live with them while things settle. I'm also thrilled that your friends (the ones you've told) have been understanding. That's always a huge help to have people who support you and understand what you are going through. And as others have said, we are all here for you!!!

This sounds like my ex. He was the classic wanting his cake and eating it too. When breaking up he first suggested that we still live (and sleep) together but other than stuff for the kids he would have "complete autonomy" (while I of course continued to pay all the bills and hold down the fort). Then he suggested that we continue to be friends and own the house together (basically pretend that we were a family, but he would still have his girlfriend and his freedom). Some times he seems genuinely apologetic how much he "messed up" but most of the time he is angry and acts like I ruined his life by setting simple boundaries. The first 4 months he didn't have the kids any nights. Now he has the kids 2 nights and says he doesn't want to pay child support. There are so many stories, but I just want to get through this, in a healthy enough position I can care for my children and give them somewhat of a stable life.

 

[athenaworth]

athenaworth - thank you for posting! I realized a while back that I follow you on Instagram and I know you've been through a separation as well. I've admired you for a while, even before this happened to me. Thank you for sharing your experience and I hope you are rebuilding and living the life you dream! Or working toward it anyway.

Awww thank you for the kind words. I've definitely come out on the other side feeling happier than I ever thought I could be. It was hard to see the forest for the trees when I was in the thick of it but now I feel like all of this happened so I could find my true path. It sounds like you've got a good grip on all of this as well and you'll soon find your true happiness. I wish you the best of luck.

 

[monarch64]

My advice, gather up all the things you want, including the dog if you can home him, and tell the ex goodbye. If you have no joint assets to divide I'd forget any ideas of lawyers and "getting restitution". The only people who make money or get a benefit out of legal action is the lawyers. It just drags the situation on and on. It's incredibly toxic to do that, you want to just shut the door, walk and never look back. Unfortunately he is an immature jerk. He isn't a nice person, planning an affair/ new life behind your back, getting caught out, pretending to commit to repairing the relationship and then saying no, I'm not into this. Whether he fell out of love with you or whether he even knows what love is is his problem, his flaw and his short coming. Not your problem. And please, please, if in 6 to 12 months he is back knocking on your door because he finds the whole dating scene and finding another as good as you too difficult and you hear "I made a mistake, I see that now, I'm so sorry, I want to try us again", shut, no SLAM the door in his face. Good riddance to bad rubbish. Wishing you well and a lovely new kind, honest, genuine and loving partner when the time is right.

THIS. I've been following this thread and have started to post a few times but thought better of it, knowing I couldn't offer what you needed to hear. You've needed commiseration. Now you need real talk. Yes, I've been there before. It's no fun and it's not easy, but you're young and resilient and it CAN be done.

What Bron says is very applicable to your case, in my opinion. Don't let yourself get caught up in thinking you NEED to go after money or assets that aren't really there or aren't really worth going after. And yes, it is definitely NOT your problem that the man you married decided without telling you first that he just wasn't as into being married as he originally told you. Not your fault, not your problem. It legit is what it is. He's done. Your job now is to come to terms with that as best you can right now, and deal with it from that standpoint. Cry and freak out later. And, never take him back. Be harsh even though you're not built that way. Get through this. You will be fine, I promise.

 

[Keeliamira]

I'm a newb here but felt compelled to chime in. First, I am so sorry you're going through this. It stinks. You are blessed, however, to be able to exit this marriage without the turmoil of splitting babies and bank accounts. One thing you said really struck me though...I've said it too. You said you feel as though you wasted your best years with him. Honey, your best years are most definitely still to come. You are older yes, but wiser for having tread this path. I went through a divorce at 33 from a man I'd been with since I was 20. When we divorced, I had custody of our four kids (all under the age of 4). I totally understand the feeling of losing those years. Despite those feelings, our divorce was a turning point. I had to go through the fire to get where I am now...married to the most amazing man. Walking the difiudifiucult path of divorce sucks but I wouldn't trade a bit of it because it brought me to where I am now. You are young, you are strong, and you will come through this a better woman. Much love to you.

 

[Sunstorm]

Ihy I know that you do not want to hear what I am going to tell you because we have all offered compassion and empathy but I feel that it is high time for a bit of tough talk and I hope you do not get angry at me for that.

I think you are not facing the problem, still not. You are in shock yes. You are in denial. You are way too patient and not moving on and out. This is a problem and a problem that you will pay a high price for because this situation you are stuck in now is very toxic to you. I think you are not realizing it now because you just want to hide under the covers like sometimes we all do and not have to make a decision now. I think a part of you is hoping that he will beg you back. Also normal. I just want you to be able to understand what you are feeling and why you are feeling it and how to manage it. This is not because you love this cheating, lying guy, it is because your self esteem has taken such a hit recently and you are taking the time to cope with it. But taking your time while continuing to live with this guy is something that you will greatly regret later from hindsight. You may pay for this with your sanity and/or your health but the worst thing you can do to yourself is to stay in this situation even a day longer, every day damages you further.

Yes, you need time to cope with it and come to terms with it but you cannot do this while living with the guy. The healing process will only begin once you are out of this situation that is hurting you like this so badly and we all fear the unknown, none of us wants to hurt ourselves and yes it will be shocking and grueling pain even perhaps at first but you need to make that move as fast as possible. You cannot tell yourself it is ok, this can wait, I will move out after Christmas. You are putting it off. You want to suffer like this during Christmas, really? I know you may suffer more in your opinion if you are moved out by then but you know even if this guy wants you back, he will do this again and maybe next time for real. The damage will keep adding up until your body, your soul will break down.

I will say this, stop putting it off, move out now. Why are you waiting? Just look inside yourself and make that decision and a room on your own is way better than sharing a house with someone that poisons you on a daily basis. He will never even have to miss you if you do not but clinging onto him and even clinging onto the idea of him turning out to be the prince on the white horse all of a sudden is a fantasy, an illusion that is not likely to happen because people do not change. Not like this.

The reason I am telling you this is because I have been through this pain before and several times. I know what it feels like to be damaged due to being cheated on. I have struggled with it myself, the pain, the hopes, the denial and all the damage that resulted from waiting. Do not wait around, your time is precious, your life is precious, you yourself are precious. The moment you move out will be tough, it will be tough at first, it will take time to move on, it is a very hard process and you have to want to get to the point of letting go and wanting to move on. You are worth it believe me.

Start doing what many of us have said helps, start getting that new career, learn something new, anything that diverts your mind is great. Do a lot of retail therapy if you can afford it, just little things. Like I said before friends, talking it out, therapy. A trip if you can. Reading and journalling really help me in tough situations. One allows me to vent and boom that moment the pressure is off. The other really takes my mind off the pain and hardship and makes me dream of a better future, takes me to a positive world, positivity is key. While you may not be able to focus on some of this right away that is ok, you will get there.

I know that you do not want to make the move because you know you will be miserable for a while. Yes, true but you have to be able to accept and even embrace your momentary pain. This situation now is silently killing you. Listen to us who have been through severe heartache before, some of of several times. You look back and you realize there is life after love and there is even love after love. You will once laugh at yourself just trying to imagine why you even liked this guy, let alone want to stay with him. We all learn and we really do get better and have much greater lives later than we did before. It is a process but a process that one must have the courage to face. Just think of his grief stricken face because of the ex lover. That seriously disgusts me and should you. One person is not enough to patch up the injury, two would be absolutely required. Do not sink so low that you are the one that wants to offer relief to a lowlife human being that did this to you.

I applaud you for your strength so far. Please do not take what I have said wrong. We have all had our weak moments and hung around too long at times but if you can avoid that, avoid it at all costs.

 

[ihy138]

To all - so sorry for my delay in response. I have been completely overwhelmed and busy with work and general life that I haven't checked back here all week. Also, I found out that we have a bit of a pest problem in our apartment (looks like carpet beetles) and I am really freaking out about it. We've been working to get that under control. I actually can't wait to leave!! Far too many pests in this place.

I'm glad to hear you are doing well--I've been thinking of you this week and hoping you weren't drowning between your situation and the election. UGH, your soon-to-be ex sounds like SUCH A MAN-CHILD! I'm sorry, but WTF?! IS HE SURPRISED THAT HE MADE MORONIC CHOICES AND NOW HAS TO DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES?! Surprised that you aren't going to keep being his "friend" and partner once he's been such a lying scumbag?! Sometimes I just can't fathom what is going through people's heads. I think (and I am trying not to be too "sexist" here), that this happens to men sometimes. Somehow they get used to women "taking care" of them, and get this idea that they can have a wife/friend/partner and also all the excitement of a mistress too, and then get confused when things don't work out. It's like they never learned that partnership is a 2-way street, and that they need to act like adults rather than children. Of course I'm sure there are women like this too, but stories like yours (e.g. with husbands) are the ones I hear more often than the other way around.

I agree that you moving out ASAP is the best thing for you. I'm glad that your parents are supportive and that you'll be able to live with them while things settle. I'm also thrilled that your friends (the ones you've told) have been understanding. That's always a huge help to have people who support you and understand what you are going through. And as others have said, we are all here for you!!!

Love dogs, I completely agree. How some people expect things to go for them just blows my mind. I have very much taken care of him throughout our marriage, although he does not see it that way and identifies me as not very nurturing at all. That's what he likes about the mistress, he says. I am looking forward to him realizing just how much I have taken care of over the last seven years, BUT I will be long gone before he does. Thanks for your feedback and kind words. They mean a lot!

Ihy138- I have to tell you that I think you're doing amazingly well. I feel so vicariously proud of you - I guess maybe that sounds a bit strange, and if so I'm sorry! - but just reading your posts, I can see you making progress all the time. Your decisions, thoughts, outlook etc show that you're moving forward all the time. I love that you're setting boundaries and sticking to them. I have to admit that your comment about your husband's potentially future moldy laundry was pretty funny.

I really hope the best for you. I hope you get to move out soon. And it might be nice being with your parents for awhile!! If you end up there, make the best of it and let your parents spoil you

Katharath that is not strange at all. It actually made me smile really wide to read that. I sometimes wonder if I'm doing this right or if I'm maybe not coping so well. I have my moments, believe me. But overall I think I'm doing okay, so thank you for saying that. I actually laughed about it - A LOT - with some friends last night over drinks. It felt really great. Thank you for your kindness. <3

Thank you so much smores, kylier, and missy again for your support! It means so much to me and I don't really have the words that can express that.

 

[ihy138]

My advice, gather up all the things you want, including the dog if you can home him, and tell the ex goodbye. If you have no joint assets to divide I'd forget any ideas of lawyers and "getting restitution". The only people who make money or get a benefit out of legal action is the lawyers. It just drags the situation on and on. It's incredibly toxic to do that, you want to just shut the door, walk and never look back. Unfortunately he is an immature jerk. He isn't a nice person, planning an affair/ new life behind your back, getting caught out, pretending to commit to repairing the relationship and then saying no, I'm not into this. Whether he fell out of love with you or whether he even knows what love is is his problem, his flaw and his short coming. Not your problem. And please, please, if in 6 to 12 months he is back knocking on your door because he finds the whole dating scene and finding another as good as you too difficult and you hear "I made a mistake, I see that now, I'm so sorry, I want to try us again", shut, no SLAM the door in his face. Good riddance to bad rubbish. Wishing you well and a lovely new kind, honest, genuine and loving partner when the time is right.

Bron, THANK YOU! Your advice is well-taken here. I agree that I want to stay away from lawyers and litigation. It will just drain both of our bank accounts when I'd rather both of us keep our hard-earned money and deal with this on our own. I know some people really lose their minds during a divorce and just want what they feel is due to them because they're angry. There is no amount of money or furniture that will make what happened here fair to me. It just won't. The bell can't be un-rung. We've reached a settlement and basically it says that he gave me x amount of money and I can keep my money and jewelry and whatever I want out of the apartment to either use, store, or sell. He just wants it done and to move forward. I very much anticipate that the dating world will not be kind to him. I was his first long-term relationship and I think he generally has trouble putting himself out there (hence why the computer is his outlet). He knows as well as I that once I have moved out, I have moved out and there will be no turning back. Maybe some day we can spend time in mutual friend environments but I don't plan on that anytime soon. I deserve much better than him in this short life. Thank you for your generous words.

This sounds like my ex. He was the classic wanting his cake and eating it too. When breaking up he first suggested that we still live (and sleep) together but other than stuff for the kids he would have "complete autonomy" (while I of course continued to pay all the bills and hold down the fort). Then he suggested that we continue to be friends and own the house together (basically pretend that we were a family, but he would still have his girlfriend and his freedom). Some times he seems genuinely apologetic how much he "messed up" but most of the time he is angry and acts like I ruined his life by setting simple boundaries. The first 4 months he didn't have the kids any nights. Now he has the kids 2 nights and says he doesn't want to pay child support. There are so many stories, but I just want to get through this, in a healthy enough position I can care for my children and give them somewhat of a stable life.

Ugh, so sorry part gypsy. That sounds like a very difficult situation, and very familiar to my own. It is amazing how selfish people can be. But I encourage YOU to be selfish and worry about yourself and your children getting to a better place. My husband very much wants the rest of his life to remain untouched. He hasn't told any of his friends or his family. I don't think he plans to until after the holidays, either. I know that as he tells people, his perfect vision for the future will start to unravel and things will get messy. But I won't be there to pick up his pieces. I've been picking up my own for the past few months and I'm stronger for it, and I've realized that I don't need him and probably never did. I hope you feel stronger every day.

 

[ihy138]

THIS. I've been following this thread and have started to post a few times but thought better of it, knowing I couldn't offer what you needed to hear. You've needed commiseration. Now you need real talk. Yes, I've been there before. It's no fun and it's not easy, but you're young and resilient and it CAN be done.

What Bron says is very applicable to your case, in my opinion. Don't let yourself get caught up in thinking you NEED to go after money or assets that aren't really there or aren't really worth going after. And yes, it is definitely NOT your problem that the man you married decided without telling you first that he just wasn't as into being married as he originally told you. Not your fault, not your problem. It legit is what it is. He's done. Your job now is to come to terms with that as best you can right now, and deal with it from that standpoint. Cry and freak out later. And, never take him back. Be harsh even though you're not built that way. Get through this. You will be fine, I promise.

Real talk is always appreciated even if it is hard to hear sometimes! Thank you, thank you, thank you. I read your comment and looked back on the past two weeks. I actually have been harsh. Maybe not harsh, but cold and professional. This is now a business transaction in my eyes. To be honest, I've cried and freaked out for the past several months and I think I'm beyond that point. I'm numb. I've done a good chunk of the grieving and now I'm taking action. I don't feel paralyzed by fear of losing him anymore. I lost him a long time ago, but I still have me. It's so empowering to think about. Thank you monarch for your vote of confidence. I am taking your word for it.

I'm a newb here but felt compelled to chime in. First, I am so sorry you're going through this. It stinks. You are blessed, however, to be able to exit this marriage without the turmoil of splitting babies and bank accounts. One thing you said really struck me though...I've said it too. You said you feel as though you wasted your best years with him. Honey, your best years are most definitely still to come. You are older yes, but wiser for having tread this path. I went through a divorce at 33 from a man I'd been with since I was 20. When we divorced, I had custody of our four kids (all under the age of 4). I totally understand the feeling of losing those years. Despite those feelings, our divorce was a turning point. I had to go through the fire to get where I am now...married to the most amazing man. Walking the difiudifiucult path of divorce sucks but I wouldn't trade a bit of it because it brought me to where I am now. You are young, you are strong, and you will come through this a better woman. Much love to you.

Thanks so much for chiming in and welcome to PS! I feel honored that you decided to share your experience. Thank you for your kind words, and know that I am just as sorry that you went through the same. But damn, you are tough!! I can tell just by your post. And I'm so happy that you've found happiness. I do feel at times that I've wasted my 20s on this relationship, but we had a lot of good times and I will always have that. "Nobody can take away the dances you've already had." But I thought about it last night, and I think my 30s are going to be my best decade yet. My 20s were confusing, often sad, and sometimes I've felt lost and like I have been running in circles. My goal is to spend the next two years getting out of debt and really being able to tackle my 30s with confidence. I think my best days are ahead of me, like you said. Thank you for that.

 

[ihy138]

Ihy I know that you do not want to hear what I am going to tell you because we have all offered compassion and empathy but I feel that it is high time for a bit of tough talk and I hope you do not get angry at me for that.

I think you are not facing the problem, still not. You are in shock yes. You are in denial. You are way too patient and not moving on and out. This is a problem and a problem that you will pay a high price for because this situation you are stuck in now is very toxic to you. I think you are not realizing it now because you just want to hide under the covers like sometimes we all do and not have to make a decision now. I think a part of you is hoping that he will beg you back. Also normal. I just want you to be able to understand what you are feeling and why you are feeling it and how to manage it. This is not because you love this cheating, lying guy, it is because your self esteem has taken such a hit recently and you are taking the time to cope with it. But taking your time while continuing to live with this guy is something that you will greatly regret later from hindsight. You may pay for this with your sanity and/or your health but the worst thing you can do to yourself is to stay in this situation even a day longer, every day damages you further.

Yes, you need time to cope with it and come to terms with it but you cannot do this while living with the guy. The healing process will only begin once you are out of this situation that is hurting you like this so badly and we all fear the unknown, none of us wants to hurt ourselves and yes it will be shocking and grueling pain even perhaps at first but you need to make that move as fast as possible. You cannot tell yourself it is ok, this can wait, I will move out after Christmas. You are putting it off. You want to suffer like this during Christmas, really? I know you may suffer more in your opinion if you are moved out by then but you know even if this guy wants you back, he will do this again and maybe next time for real. The damage will keep adding up until your body, your soul will break down.

I will say this, stop putting it off, move out now. Why are you waiting? Just look inside yourself and make that decision and a room on your own is way better than sharing a house with someone that poisons you on a daily basis. He will never even have to miss you if you do not but clinging onto him and even clinging onto the idea of him turning out to be the prince on the white horse all of a sudden is a fantasy, an illusion that is not likely to happen because people do not change. Not like this.

The reason I am telling you this is because I have been through this pain before and several times. I know what it feels like to be damaged due to being cheated on. I have struggled with it myself, the pain, the hopes, the denial and all the damage that resulted from waiting. Do not wait around, your time is precious, your life is precious, you yourself are precious. The moment you move out will be tough, it will be tough at first, it will take time to move on, it is a very hard process and you have to want to get to the point of letting go and wanting to move on. You are worth it believe me.

Start doing what many of us have said helps, start getting that new career, learn something new, anything that diverts your mind is great. Do a lot of retail therapy if you can afford it, just little things. Like I said before friends, talking it out, therapy. A trip if you can. Reading and journalling really help me in tough situations. One allows me to vent and boom that moment the pressure is off. The other really takes my mind off the pain and hardship and makes me dream of a better future, takes me to a positive world, positivity is key. While you may not be able to focus on some of this right away that is ok, you will get there.

I know that you do not want to make the move because you know you will be miserable for a while. Yes, true but you have to be able to accept and even embrace your momentary pain. This situation now is silently killing you. Listen to us who have been through severe heartache before, some of of several times. You look back and you realize there is life after love and there is even love after love. You will once laugh at yourself just trying to imagine why you even liked this guy, let alone want to stay with him. We all learn and we really do get better and have much greater lives later than we did before. It is a process but a process that one must have the courage to face. Just think of his grief stricken face because of the ex lover. That seriously disgusts me and should you. One person is not enough to patch up the injury, two would be absolutely required. Do not sink so low that you are the one that wants to offer relief to a lowlife human being that did this to you.

I applaud you for your strength so far. Please do not take what I have said wrong. We have all had our weak moments and hung around too long at times but if you can avoid that, avoid it at all costs.

Sunstorm, I am not at all angered by what you wrote. In fact, I quite appreciate it. I could never be angry because I know it comes from a place of kindness and wisdom. I have read several times what you said and am pondering it over still. Everyone who I have told also wonders how I can live like this. My parents check in on me daily about how I'm doing and they think what I am living in is torture. The truth is, it was torture. What was incredibly toxic was knowing that something was off in our relationship and not knowing exactly what. That period of limbo that I lived in for months before I found confirmation myself that he was cheating was one of the darkest times in my life. I felt like I was losing my mind. But now that I see the situation for what it is, it feels a lot better than what it did. I feel more peace now than I have in a long time, because I know for sure.

I ask myself why I am still here, and most of what comes to mind are logistics. I can't have a cleared space at my parents' until after the holidays. I HATE moving, and would like to do so under the easiest circumstances I can. I don't have a lot of free time, but I am spending my free time selling things, packing, and generally getting ready for the move. I cannot possibly live out of a suitcase with most of my stuff left behind in the apartment. I'm very attached to my things, I am mildly OCD (truly am, not just saying that), and the idea of not having control over my belongings makes me more anxious than the idea of being newly single. I might be using "my stuff" as a distraction or a way to feel that I have some control over this. I'm working that out in therapy. But I'm trying to maintain some semblance of normalcy and being able to still do my routine is part of that. Without routines, I fall apart. I know my routine will have to change, and I'm planning out exactly how that's going to go with my parents. We sat down the other day and decided on boundaries for money and household chores. It helped me feel more control over this, which helps me keep my sanity. Rome wasn't built in a day, but it was destroyed in one. I'm just being cautious and making sure that destruction doesn't follow me into the future. I have worked very hard for the assets I've acquired and to leave them behind just to have this done and over with doesn't seem worth it to me.

I agree that staying here until my lease is up in March would be a HUGE mistake and incredibly bad for my well-being. Am I here because I hope that things will actually work out? That he will realize that he made a huge mistake and beg me for forgiveness? I'm certain that I'm not. Truthfully, he hasn't been this man for me in a long time. He of course never was, but my vision of him and our relationship came crashing down when he treated our marriage vows as a suggestion. If he were to come back and beg at my feet, the problem is that we can't go back in time. Our relationship could never be what it was or what I need it to be because he caused irreparable damage. I would always have that thought in the back of my mind: Is he going to do this again? Because the answer is, yes, he will. He needs to do a lot of growing and soul searching and I am not the person to help him do that. And when he does it again, it will be worse. Because it would be 10 years later and we would have kids and a house and I would be going through this all over again. No, thank you. I've seen the way this movie ends and I'd like to stop watching as soon as possible. I'm working on it, I promise you that. I appreciate your feedback and agree with you on many points.

 

[cmd2014]

You know, you can always ask him to go stay with a friend or his family until you are moved out after Christmas. Just because you aren't ready to move doesn't mean that he has to be there (even if he's taking the apartment later). Maybe stop trying to be mature and reasonable, and put yourself first for once. He made this mess; he can afford to be inconvenienced for a few weeks. It's just a thought. You could even keep the dog for him until he comes back if that's a barrier.

 

[arkieb1]

Do you parents or any of your friends have a spare shed or garage you could put your stuff into until they are ready for you to move back in properly? I think the sooner you move out and sort things out the better off you will be. Even if you have to put some of your things into storage for a while, anything is going to be better than just getting by where you are.

Your last statement about where you would be in ten years with this guy, it's exactly it, the same place but possibly with the heartache of kids, a mortgage and a whole heap of other complications that you currently don't have. Ongoing hugs, I know it's still difficult, but you are doing so well and you will get through this!!!!

 

[Razz]

As much as we may all want to help you, the truth is that every situation is different, and even those who have gone through divorce before can't really know what your particular circumstance is like, and so I believe that the best advice anyone can give you is to take it one day at a time and try to find better feeling thoughts, so that you can help yourself find the positive in this situation. You may have to dig really deep to find what the lesson is, or what you are going to learn or gain from this, but it's there somewhere, and you're going to come out better, wiser, stronger and more confident than ever before!

 

[ihy138]

Thanks all for your continued support! I hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving!

You know, you can always ask him to go stay with a friend or his family until you are moved out after Christmas. Just because you aren't ready to move doesn't mean that he has to be there (even if he's taking the apartment later). Maybe stop trying to be mature and reasonable, and put yourself first for once. He made this mess; he can afford to be inconvenienced for a few weeks. It's just a thought. You could even keep the dog for him until he comes back if that's a barrier.

I actually asked him to do this early on and he declined. His name is on the lease and I've learned there's not much I can do about getting him to vacate unless he is being physically abusive, which he certainly isn't.

Do you parents or any of your friends have a spare shed or garage you could put your stuff into until they are ready for you to move back in properly? I think the sooner you move out and sort things out the better off you will be. Even if you have to put some of your things into storage for a while, anything is going to be better than just getting by where you are.

Your last statement about where you would be in ten years with this guy, it's exactly it, the same place but possibly with the heartache of kids, a mortgage and a whole heap of other complications that you currently don't have. Ongoing hugs, I know it's still difficult, but you are doing so well and you will get through this!!!!

Thank you for your suggestion!! I am about halfway through clearing out space at my parents' and have been moving things in actually, so the ball is rolling quicker than I thought it would. I have a car full of stuff that is going to be donated as we speak! It feels good to get rid of clutter and think about the future.

As much as we may all want to help you, the truth is that every situation is different, and even those who have gone through divorce before can't really know what your particular circumstance is like, and so I believe that the best advice anyone can give you is to take it one day at a time and try to find better feeling thoughts, so that you can help yourself find the positive in this situation. You may have to dig really deep to find what the lesson is, or what you are going to learn or gain from this, but it's there somewhere, and you're going to come out better, wiser, stronger and more confident than ever before!

Thank you so much for saying that. I think the lesson will become obvious to me in the future but right now it's hard to understand. I appreciate your kind words, and one day at a time is about all I can stand at the moment. It's getting better, though.

 

[azstonie]

ihy, I hope you had a good Thanksgiving! I want to reassure you that the hard times can be the waiting times--- when you're trying to separate households and get moved away from each other, and then again when you are waiting to have the gavel banged on the actual divorce itself. My fastest/biggest healing happened when I got moved out and again when the divorce became final.

Just wanted to say also that this is NOT a failure; you two weren't meant to go the distance and its good now to end it and let the rest of your life unfold. If you hold a positive attitude like this, you will have lots of dates and happiness in this part of your life. That and my personal 'policy' was that I never spoke about my exhusband or the marriage in specific or detail unless I was asked to and even then I kept it brief and focused. Nothing can kill a budding relationship like poison left over from the previous. When I met my now-DH I was separated from my ex-husband. I'd moved into my own place with a GF from work who wanted to upgrade her surroundings. When it came up, I told now-DH that even though the marriage had not worked out, I still believe in marriage and wanted to be remarried to the right man in the future. Left it at that. Married now-DH 7 months after my divorce was final.

So don't you hang the specter of failure over your head or let anyone else do it, for that matter

 

[MMtwo]

Hi Ihy,
You asked for a good book that was helpful during this period: Crazy Time: Surviving Divorce and Building a New Life. My therapist said it was her "go to" book and it helped guide me through the instability that accompanied my divorce.

I have a few thoughts on divorce, having been through it as a young woman and understanding it as a mature woman. First, I noticed you talked about your best years given to this marriage. You are in your beginning years. As you grow older life becomes richer and sweeter, I promise.

The man you have now is like a cup with holes in the bottom. If you were to bet on a horse at a race, you wouldn't pick the one with a broken leg. It is also true we can't fix them. When a man loves you, he devotes himself to you and works to keep you happy. He is 100% there in the moment with you and together you are a unshakable team.

Okay, popping off my motherly soap box.

Wishing you well!

 

[Winks_Elf]

As a wife who's been through just about everything she can possibly go through with her husband, I wish you strength. It can be scary, but every coin has a flip side. We choose which side of the coin we want to see on the daily. See the advantages of starting over at your age because you are so young. Life hasn't even started getting really good yet, so pick your adventures, and enjoy!

 

[Scandinavian]

Was thinking about you this weekend, hope you are doing OK. Hugs.

 

[ihy138]

ihy, I hope you had a good Thanksgiving! I want to reassure you that the hard times can be the waiting times--- when you're trying to separate households and get moved away from each other, and then again when you are waiting to have the gavel banged on the actual divorce itself. My fastest/biggest healing happened when I got moved out and again when the divorce became final.

Just wanted to say also that this is NOT a failure; you two weren't meant to go the distance and its good now to end it and let the rest of your life unfold. If you hold a positive attitude like this, you will have lots of dates and happiness in this part of your life. That and my personal 'policy' was that I never spoke about my exhusband or the marriage in specific or detail unless I was asked to and even then I kept it brief and focused. Nothing can kill a budding relationship like poison left over from the previous. When I met my now-DH I was separated from my ex-husband. I'd moved into my own place with a GF from work who wanted to upgrade her surroundings. When it came up, I told now-DH that even though the marriage had not worked out, I still believe in marriage and wanted to be remarried to the right man in the future. Left it at that. Married now-DH 7 months after my divorce was final.

So don't you hang the specter of failure over your head or let anyone else do it, for that matter

Hi azstonie!! My thanksgiving was lousy. I tried out a new facial moisturizer the night before and had a severe allergic reaction. I looked pretty scary, so I ended up staying in bed all goofy on Benadryl. BUT it's over and I'm glad. This in between, this limbo, has been really challenging. It can take a long time to separate households. If I had given my parents earlier warning about what was happening, perhaps they wouldn't be so paralyzed by shock. It's hard to do things quickly with all the emotional stuff to deal with. Thanks as always for sharing your experience. I think I'm going to heal leaps and bounds once I leave. I appreciate you saying this is not a failure. It feels a lot like one. I always thought a successful relationship was one that lasted forever, but I think it's that attitude that led to some complacency on my part and contributed to the demise of my marriage. The thought of dating again freaks me out a little, but that's really excellent advice on how to handle it. Thank you for your kindness.

Hi Ihy,
You asked for a good book that was helpful during this period: Crazy Time: Surviving Divorce and Building a New Life. My therapist said it was her "go to" book and it helped guide me through the instability that accompanied my divorce.

I have a few thoughts on divorce, having been through it as a young woman and understanding it as a mature woman. First, I noticed you talked about your best years given to this marriage. You are in your beginning years. As you grow older life becomes richer and sweeter, I promise.

The man you have now is like a cup with holes in the bottom. If you were to bet on a horse at a race, you wouldn't pick the one with a broken leg. It is also true we can't fix them. When a man loves you, he devotes himself to you and works to keep you happy. He is 100% there in the moment with you and together you are a unshakable team.

Okay, popping off my motherly soap box.

Wishing you well!

Thank you so much for your book advice moneymeister! And thank you for getting on your motherly soap box. It's nice to read from someone who has been through it and can look back positively. My peer group is just getting married or some still dating, so I don't know many people who have gotten divorced, much less someone who went through it as a young person. Thank you for saying it only gets better from here.

 

[ihy138]

As a wife who's been through just about everything she can possibly go through with her husband, I wish you strength. It can be scary, but every coin has a flip side. We choose which side of the coin we want to see on the daily. See the advantages of starting over at your age because you are so young. Life hasn't even started getting really good yet, so pick your adventures, and enjoy!

Thank you for your wise words, Winks_Elf. Sorry you have been through a lot as well. Every day I think about how I'm so glad that this happened now and not in five or ten years when it would be even more complicated to separate. Every night I reflect on the day and try to name 3 positive things that happened. Sometimes I try to think positively about this split (Today I realized I don't have to clean up after him anymore!). Hard to do but an important exercise. Thank you again!

Was thinking about you this weekend, hope you are doing OK. Hugs.

Thank you!! You're so sweet!! As I wrote above, I was dealing with a severe allergic reaction all weekend (as if I didn't already feel undesirable ), but things were better by Tuesday and I finally left the apartment. It's nice to know I have such a supportive online community at PS.

 

[Scandinavian]

I think I'm going to heal leaps and bounds once I leave. I appreciate you saying this is not a failure. It feels a lot like one. I always thought a successful relationship was one that lasted forever, but I think it's that attitude that led to some complacency on my part and contributed to the demise of my marriage. The thought of dating again freaks me out a little, but that's really excellent advice on how to handle it. Thank you for your kindness.

Please move out of that apartment.. soon! As in this weekend? Perhaps you can stay on the couch with a friend (perhaps a male one to drive your DH a little crazy, he has deserved that, lol) or live under a bridge or something? The bridge part might be a joke, but it might still be better for you.. I feel like perhaps your DH is not exactly doing good things for your self-confidence or positive thinking these days.. Just move? And come back for the stuff that is yours when you are able to and there is room for it at your parents? I don't mean to put pressure on you, just think you deserve better than this. Hugs!