Anyone been SemiSTALKED?

[decodelighted]

Not ACTUALLY "stalked stalked" ... no hiding in the bushes etc ... but lots of hang-ups, unwanted emails etc? What did you do about it?

Readers Digest version:

Ex-boyfriend of like SEVEN years ago. Won''t stop contact no matter how hard I try. Managed to finally get him to stop calling me by threatening him with a restraining order (he is somewhat in the public eye, so any word of this leaking out would look really bad for him & his reputation). But he still calls & hangs up - even though my fiance lives here now & I KNOW he''s heard his voice. And the emails come at least once every four months ... mostly either to a) ask for my help in some unspecific way that only I can help with

or b) brag about some new acheivement/beg me to read it & give feedback. My last therapist convinced me that he gets pleasure out of any response from me so I haven''t been giving ANY in over three years. Not a word. Not a peep. Not a "get lost" email. NOTHING. And it still comes like clockwork.

Do I just have to live with it? Do I have any legal recourse for e-mail? Hangups? How much do I have to prove? Do I need an attorney? AIIGH. I know he''s probably sick & don''t have any romantic notions about how much he must "love" me, believe me! I know I''m I just an object to him. A game. And I want it to STOP.

Ideas? Similar situations? Sniff.

 

[Jelly]

Deco, I''m sorry to hear this is happening. Perhaps you can just talk to the police and ask them to pay him a visit for a chat. I''m not sure about the legal details, but he''ll (hopefully) get the hint that this is not amusing and you are serious.

Just to be safe, get the restraining order.

(((HUGS)))

 

[FireGoddess]

That sucks. The emails can be deleted without reading them, or you could change your email address (which might be a pain for you). The thing that would really piss me off is the hangups on the phone. There''s always a last resort of changing your phone number. Do you have caller ID so that you can prove it''s him calling? Would the police need some proof like that in order to ''pay him a friendly visit?'' I''m kinda thinkin'' so.

 

[Kaleigh]

What a PITA, so sorry. I'd have caller ID on the phones so you can avoid picking up. I'd have the police come to you and have a chat about ALL that is going on and go from there. Good luck, and stay safe!!

 

[rainbowtrout]

maybe some of the law students could chime in? I bet if you document him calling you (perhaps even record a conversation with him?) then something could be done...

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 4/18/2006 11:45:30 PM
Author: FireGoddess
That sucks. The emails can be deleted without reading them, or you could change your email address (which might be a pain for you). The thing that would really piss me off is the hangups on the phone. There''s always a last resort of changing your phone number. Do you have caller ID so that you can prove it''s him calling? Would the police need some proof like that in order to ''pay him a friendly visit?'' I''m kinda thinkin'' so.

Re the not reading -- yes! I do that every chance I get. Sometimes I end up reading it accidently ''cause my email goes to Entourage, which has a preview pane for incoming emails. I don''t have to "open" ... it shows the inside automatically.

Changing my email & phone # would be super tough as I''m a freelances & work mostly from home. It''s been my biz email & phone for over 10 years, biz cards, stationary, the works. Hard to hide when you''re "in biz for yourself". OOOooof.

The hang-ups are hard to prove because he uses "Private Caller" to block his # ... but I haven''t blocked all Private Caller calls from my phone because my neighbor has that too and the odd biz call. Hang ups that are Private Caller get blamed on him (maybe unfairly. I''m over sensitive now!!) I can also feel things heating up ... one email a flurry of hang ups that don''t occur any other time. Or ... flurry of hangups followed shortly by email. Leads me to my "theory". Now I do make my fiance answer them if he''s home. All hangups.

I wish I knew if any of the continued contact after my request of "no more" is actually ILLEGAL. Lawyers? Lysser? I should ask my lawyer sister too - but I''m a little embarrassed. I should suck it up, huh.

 

[Jelly]

Better to be safe than sorry. The description of his behavior makes me uncomfortable.

National Domestic Violence Hotline

I''m not sure where you live, but a simple call with the same questions you listed above is a great idea!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Deco that sucks! I have never been in that situation but it sounds scary. Just be safe. I agree caller ID would help but he would still hear your voice on your voice mail. I would guess that is what he is really after. Are you in contact with his family or close friends? Maybe they can talk some sense into him.

 

[Jelly]

Start documenting every attempt at contacting you. Start telling friends, family, and the police. Even if the police ignore you, document that you have spoken to them.

Empower yourself by doing something about this situation and don''t let this jerk get you down.

 

[diamondfan]

I think it is terrible that he is putting you through this. What is with people?! You have made it clear you are not interested. The relationship is long over. You are marrying someone else. I mean, what else can you do? I had a boyfriend in high school and the beginning of college who stalked me when I broke up with him. Constant calls and following me and showing up at friends homes...even trying to beat up a guy friend who was dropping me home after the movies. He finally went overseas for something thank god. Then, a bunch of my friends saw the movie about Dorothy Stratten, the playmate who was murdered by her husband...(Star 80) and the hubby was played creepily by Eric Roberts...anyway, all of my friends were freaking because they said my ex reminded them of him!!! Gross. I am not sure LEGALLY what your recourse is, but damn if there should not be something you can do. It is getting to be insane. And yes, you should keep yourself safe but what does it say about the state of some of these laws and the state of some men (and women sometimes) who do this and cause anguish and stress?! I am sorry...

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 4/19/2006 12:00:33 AM
Author: Jelly
Start documenting every attempt at contacting you. Start telling friends, family, and the police. Even if the police ignore you, document that you have spoken to them.

Those are great ideas. I keep meaning to document but I guess I''ve been in denial - I keep thinking (hoping) he''ll get sick of no response. I have some of the emails (i used to delete immedately I was so angry, then I realized they might be evidence) - I''ll start tracking the hangups. My friends know - my fiance knows, I haven''t told my family but I will (esp. lawyer sis & bro in law).

Thanks for the suggestions!

 

[Mara]

eeee deco, so sorry to hear this!!

i guess i was 'stalked' at one of my old apartments...i used to get notes on my car with things like 'you are so pretty, i can't wait til we are walking on the sand together'

...i felt like he lived in the apartments across from us where you could see into our carports since the notes were on my car so he would know when i was there vs not. one day i came home and went inside to change and then came back out to go to dinner and there was a note on my car. so in like the 10 minutes i was home he put the note there. i was a little freaked out that he knew which apartment i lived in, or that one day i'd come out to my car and something would happen, but all i ever got were the notes. i called the cops once and made sure we stood outside near the car to file the report just in case he was watching. when i moved, i made sure to move everything out the front of the complex and not go near my car area at all so that he wouldn't know i was moving. then i just got in my car and drove out for the last time.

everyone has great advice here...just stay level-headed and clear about things and do what you can to get away from it. i know that you are in biz for yourself but what about changing email and phone and then only giving that out to clients and asking that they only pass it onto referrals? i know it may damage biz for a little while but what is more important?

my friend has something similar from this total loser ex...he instant messages her to ask her if she can work with him on a contract project, or emails her asking her how she is doing or that he heard she got married, he doesn't call at all but he just HAS to stay in touch with her. total weirdo.

 

[sunkist]

I would change my email and phone #. Tell mutual friends not to pass on info. I wouldn''t want to just ignore his incoming emails and phone calls. Knowing that he was trying to bug me would BUG me! Change your info so he can''t contact you anymore. Sorry you are going through this!

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 4/18/2006 11:55:10 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
Are you in contact with his family or close friends? Maybe they can talk some sense into him.

That''s a good idea too - unfortunately he''s also got a rocky relationship with them (um, red flags anyone - hindsight is EVERYTHING). I have thought of contacting his agent (assuming he has the same one).

I also just wanna say that when everything seems perfect "on paper" it doesn''t mean they''re not PSYCHO. This guy is from a very wealthy family, Ivy degrees including two Masters, in national publications constantly, written several books. DO NOT LET ACHIEVEMENT cloud your judgement on CHARACTER or SANITY!!!!

 

[princessv]

Ugh..that sucks deco!

I had/have this problem still personally. I wrote about my situation some months ago in another thread. Short story, physically and verbally abusive guy and he beat me up really badly one day to the point that my parents had me brought to the ER. He was charged with two counts of assault and I had a TRO (temporary restraining order). Stupid me, after that still stayed with him for a whole year (and he convinced me to drop the charges) till I found out he was cheating on me with an older woman. I managed to break things off 2 months after that. He actually ''moved on'' first and was sure to tell me all about his new girlfriend who was 6 years younger than him and only 16 or 17. So things were ok...until somehow he found out that I was in a serious relationship. Then the phonecalls and emails started. By now, I had moved all the way across the country..no clue how he found me..I guess I was listed in the phone directory. I changed my home number, paid for it to be unlisted. It was so bad that he even called up my bf now fiance to threaten him and found his email address to send threatening emails as well.

I talked to the police in my hometown down South as well as my law professors and faculty. Basically the advice I got was, being in a big metropolitan city, I could get the restraining order enforced there BUT it would be highly doubtful that the police would really enforce it since there was no proof he was in the area anyway. My law professors also said that it might excaberate the situation if I enforced the restraining order up there anyway. (The calls were all hang ups with the exception of two where he tried to talk to me and I stupidly, did talk back for about 5 minutes)

Anyway, every few months after that he''d try to talk to me, send me emails like your ex is doing about how great he''s doing, what kind of new car he''s driving, what new things/houses/boats etc that he is buying.

Things especially got worse when he found out I was engaged through an acquaintance apparently. I''ve learned to just ignore every email and I recently had to change my cell number (again) and so far there is not so much as a peep...for now.

Deco, I highly recommend you get a restraining order, if your ex is somewhat in the ''public eye'' maybe this will scare him enough not to bother with you. What is better about your situation is that he is in the same area as you are (I''m guessing?) and that once you have a restraining order, the police will be aware of your situation and you can enforce the restraining order at any time.

The best advice I can give you is to continue ignoring his contact and act as if he does not exist and get that restraining order!!

 

[tawn]

I had a similar situation with an old boyfriend, and for a few years I would get the hangups and emails saying how he just couldn''t get over me and needed to see me to get closure, blah blah blah! Finally, my husband had enough, contacted him and told him to have some f*ing respect...and that he better not even think of contacting me again. Turns out, he had some mental health issues...which is sad because he was really sweet and totally sexy! I always feel sad (and a little scared) when I think of him!

I''ve had a few other short-term stalkers, a neighbor (who was 20yrs older than me...ick), my boss (under the guise of a secret admirer), a guy from my friend''s hubby''s baseball team (who got my address from a birthday invite on their fridge). My husband says I attract crazy people!

Document the calls, emails...and get the restraining order! A restraining order doesn''t really "stop" him from contacting you, but if he violates it....you have all the ammunition to really get him in big trouble! Don''t assume that he''s harmless either!! Be careful!

 

[Kaleigh]

#1 Get the restraining order

#2 Can you contact any sane member of his family?? I ask only because I had a similar situation in college and ended up talking to his mom after we broke up. He stalked me constantly and I couldn't do anything without having to look over my shoulder.

#3 Document everything, hang ups, emails etc..

#4 Caller ID, on EVERY phone. Call the phone company, there is a way to report hang ups. Plus they will give you info on how to proceed

I know you don't want to change your email and phone number for business purposes, but if it gives you freedom from this creep, may well be worth the time and expense. Let alone the peace of mind it will give you!!! {{{{ Big Hugs}}}}

 

[DonaBella]

I was "semistalked" as well...

I was 19 and has dated a guy quite a bit older than me, like 27. He started to become very physical with me and possessive and I eventually told him that I wanted to be friendly but that was all. He continued to show up at various places I was at. The worst of it was when I was housesitting for my cousin. It was there he tried to return a cassette tape or something to me and he...well...attacked me. I called my closest GF and she took me to the police where they failed to believe I was honestly attacked and forced to go into quite graphic detail and then asked to forget the whole thing and go home.

I was mortified!!!

Thank goodness for my sweet GF who refused to leave me alone and got me through that time. I was advised to get a restraining order, which I did.

Fast forward to when I was married and expecting my second baby. He gets my phone number in error from my little brother and haunts and taunts me for about 2 months, usually when my husband would leave for work or school at night. I was SO afraid! Soon, it sort of stopped and we moved to CA to San Diego then on to Huntington Beach. Guess what? He got a hold of me again and the calls started up---again! This time, my hubby was home during one of the many calls he placed to me and grabbed the phone, threatening to go and beat the sh$% out of him and hunt him down if he called again.

The calls stopped and I have never heard from that piece of cr#$ again! I did find out that he was pestering my folks off and on trying to find me until finally he gave up, thank goodness.

Just thought I''d share...thank goodness that is in the past...

 

[diamondfan]

I think we all have to take this stuff seriously...not to be an alarmist or scare monger, but we have all heard the tragic endings when something was ignored or someone was assumed to be harmless. Anyone who is NOT GETTING the message to leave you and your family and friends alone has problems. Restraining orders are really not much help, I know a girl who''s ex continually violated one and laughed about it...and if someone means you harm they can inflict it well before the police can get there. PLEASE be careful. Maybe it is a good idea to try one of his family members. He clearly has issues andlikely needs a mental health intervention...they need to know, so if they are not currently aware of his proclivities they can get him help...good luck, be strong, and protect yourself. A lot of times what starts out as annoying but not seemingly serious escalates...you do not want to always be looking over your shoulder...

 

[decodelighted]

I think you guys are completely right. Yikes how many of us have some personal experiences with it! I''m gonna take a lot of these suggestions to heart & start ACTING.

It''s weird though - I don''t know if he lives in the same place, or what his info is now (SEVEN YEARS have passed!) I''d have to research HIM a little to see if its the same & that''s so creepy to me. I guess I could just give the cops his old address, old phone # & email address he uses to contact me now. I could probably find out his agent or look up his friends (we don''t have any in common anymore thank goodness). He was estranged from his family when I knew him so they''d have no idea who I am or whether I was legit ..
Hmmmm.

I may not have made the job situation clear but I LITERALLY CAN''T HIDE ... my email address is the name of my company, which has a public website & tv credits etc. He can turn on the TV & know a lot about where I am or what I''m doing. Can''t say more - but short of changing my whole career/life/reputation/income ... no can do.

I did, however, move almost 100 miles away without leaving or publicising my new home address/phone after he showed up at my house unannounced & conned his way in. (No attack! Just begging etc.) He easily found my new # as home sale records etc are public!!! AIIGH. I live in fear of Google Maps! Though I don''t think he''d come this far, have never felt physically threatened by him & do now live with my fiance.

I had a really hard time during the whole NYC Peter Braunstein/Firefighter Rapist thing - when it turned out he was an NYC media figure. Hit a little too close to home for me & started to freak me out about my situation! Sometimes I think I''m overreacting & being a drama queen. Sometimes I think I''m in denial & should do more to STOP it. Hearing your opinions helps me realize I do have to take back some control and aggessively fight this harassment.

Thanks for that!

 

[rainbowtrout]

It''s not okay and you aren''t overreacting. Yes, women go nutters too, but the fact is men can be physically dangerous and the statistics on rape and battery are frightening. Sometimes being passive is the way to go (give them no attention) but since it isn''t working it''s time to take some action.

I''m not saying you should live in fear, but reasonable precautions and the recognition that this isn''t OK and should STOP is important.

RE: achievement vs sanity. Yeah. Some of the really crazy ones have the most padded resumes because they just don''t have that ''balance'' normal people do. Hello, neurotic and needy.

 

[tawn]

Not to scare you even more...but one of the leading cause of death among women worldwide is being killed by their mates! Totally sickening in this day and age, so take all the action you can!

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 4/19/2006 2:04:11 AM
Author: tawn
Not to scare you even more...but one of the leading cause of death among women worldwide is being killed by their mates! Totally sickening in this day and age, so take all the action you can!

Oh thank goodness he''s not my "mate"! It feels like a LIFETIME ago. I know what you mean though -- ex-romantic attachements are a big source of violence. SUCH A SORRY state of affairs for WOMEN. Infuriating!

It has occured to me that he probably has no idea I''m engaged. We didn''t do an "announcement" and I''m not changing my name. We could be married before he finds out - if he ever even does! However - If there was ever gonna be a trigger - voila. Another reason the recent contacts have hit me a little differently. Growing fear, rational or not.

And Rainbowtrout ... Neurotic & Needy sure sums it up! Maybe with a side of incredible narcissism and "magical thinking".

 

[tawn]

Post your engagement announcement, and photoshop a pic of Vin Diesel or a UFC Fighter without his shirt on in your Fiance''s place. Mention something about your Fiance just getting out of prison for murder...

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 4/19/2006 2:25:26 AM
Author: tawn
Post your engagement announcement, and photoshop a pic of Vin Diesel or a UFC Fighter without his shirt on in your Fiance''s place. Mention something about your Fiance just getting out of prison for murder...

Ahhh. I needed a laugh! I''ll have to do some fast talking to my fiance beforehand! His parents might be confuzzled!

 

[tawn]

Date: 4/19/2006 2:56:05 AM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 4/19/2006 2:25:26 AM
Author: tawn
Post your engagement announcement, and photoshop a pic of Vin Diesel or a UFC Fighter without his shirt on in your Fiance''s place. Mention something about your Fiance just getting out of prison for murder...

Ahhh. I needed a laugh! I''ll have to do some fast talking to my fiance beforehand! His parents might be confuzzled!

Well, we know he won''t be scared off by the small cat-sized dog you''re holding there!

 

[allycat0303]

Oh Deco, how awful for you. Strangely enough I''m read about this in psychiartry, and basically in more severe forms, it''s classified as a mental disease where the person takes every protestation as a sign that you love him. Luckily, your semi stalker isn''t there yet. But they also say that these people are to be considered REALLY dangerous. So be careful!

Can you figure out the number he is calling from? My sister had this problem and my parents called the phone number and had the number blocked from making incoming calls. That worked for a long time, and then we started getting hang up calls from unknown numbers. We eventually changed our phone number and had it unlisted. The problem went away.

Take care of yourself Deco!

 

[perry]

You have been given some great advice:

I was stalked for years by a guy who''s stated goal was to kill me (this in a 3 hour police interigation after an attempt that the police botched so bad they could not charge him with anything that would stick: Honest mistake''s by the police - but I had to live with the results).

Essentially, their are three basic things that may work:

1) Going the legal route: Contacting police, restraining order, and tell the world about the contact and issues. Do not worry about the effect on his carrear. Admitedely - things may get worse under this scenerio if he blames you for all the attention he is now getting and the affect of that on his life. However, this gives you the legal ammo to get him more quickly charged and locked up if this behaviour gets worse (and he will be the #1 suspect if something happens).

2) Change all addresses and phone numbers. Businesses change addresses and email addresses all the time. Send a polite email or letter to all of your normal business contacts on the change. Tell your freinds - and tell them why and to not share your phone number with anyone (and especially with him). Ask them that if anyone wants to contact you to have them call you with the contact information for that person. Then you can initiate contact if you want to (this was the only way for people to contact me for years - they would ask a faminly memeber of a known freind how to contact me - I''d get a call from my close inner circle with the information - and then I''d contact them and if necessary explain what was up.

Separate your business phone from your personal phone.

3) Have someone threathen massive physical violance and harm. For some people - that''s the only thing that works (for others... ).

The problem of course is you do not know which one of the above - or if any or all of them combined - will actually work. It depends on the person on the other end.

A few things that can be done if things get worse.

Physically move and disappear: You think changing phone numbers and email addresses are tough. Move a half dozen times in several years. I had most of my possessions in storage - it''s amazing how little stuff you need to live for a few years. 2 car loads was all I had.

For mail; get a PO box (I used PO boxes for years - also my "legal" address would be a family member''s place that I rarely visited).

For the phone: Hire an answering service to screan your calls: they automatically pass through a preapproved list. For the others they will either call you direct and ask or take a message (I''ve done this). A lessor option: Get an 800# voicemail system. The number would never change (I''ve got this - and I always tell people when I give out business cards that I''ve been known to move - but that the 800 # Voicemail never changes.

Finally, if the situation gets worse: Look into physically protecting your house, yourself, and your family. In some cases this can get serious.

Hope this helps,

Perry

 

[fountainfairfax]

Deco,

You've gotten such great advice already and everything I have to say is probably just repetitive but I went through a short-term (6 month long) situation about 6 years ago. None of what you have to do is fair to you, as it takes time and effort, but if it ensures your mental and physical well-being it will all be worth it.

1) understand that to him this repetitive, consistent behavior is like playing the lottery- the chances of winning aren't very high but all it takes is just ONE TIME to get it right and he wins. He is hoping for that one time that you pick up the phone, answer his email, any type of acknowledgement. So consistency in no contact with him is key- most email systems allow you to block specific email addresses, not just send them to junk mail (if you feel you must receive them as documentation, have them forwarded to a third party before opening and let him/her record them and check content.) Screen every phone call- from now on no-one at your number picks up the phone until the caller has begun to speak and has identified themselves. Your business accts will understand this- you can even send a letter to your clients that this is being done for security reasons. People will understand. Also, have someone else record the outgoing phone message, preferably male. Because you use the phone for business the screening message can sound like it's almost an on-hold tape, very professional but not your voice.

2) now is the time to tell your sister. With her law background she will have some good advice on how to proceed. Ask her about cease and desist in regards to nuissance. I know someone who had a very simple letter drafted stating that "may it be known to Mr Johnny X that Mr & Mrs James Z are insistent that any all contact be ceased immediately. Failure to do so will result in legal action. Anything in regard to this matter must be conducted through the ABC law firm and a copy of this notice has been filed with local authorities." They never heard from Mr X again.

3) document everything you can remember and be sure to do so going forward. I'm not sure, but I believe that you will have a hard time with the hang-ups being considered in a restraining order if they come up "unknown caller" so it's really important that you save letters and any emails that may get through.

4) and just what everyone else said, what worked for me the most was contacting someone in his family, explaining the situation- I said to this guy's father "Right now this is an annoyance for me. He needs to stop it before it becomes a legal issue or worse." You do not need to be appologetic or bashful. This is unwanted contact and it needs to stop immediately. I made sure not to use phrases like "maybe he doesn't know this is a problem" or "I'm sorry if he takes this the wrong way, but....." Only I needed to consider this a problem for it to be one....

Never heard another word from that night on (this was someone who called my home and cell 50 times a day, sent flowers, gifts and did the drive-by snooping nightly.)

Good luck Deco, take this very seriously because your right to privacy and safety is very important and your stalker is not dealing with the same reality as you. Unfortunately, logic does not apply to people such as these. Legal action does.

(Not that this applies here but I have a blow-hard ex-boyfriend who sends detailed emails about his current achievements, not stalking, just a huge ego. I got an additional email address w/AOL, emailed him that I was changing addresses and now just don't ever go to that address...every so often my FI just goes in and deletes everything for me. If he's climbing Everest or dating a supermodel, I'll never know)

 

[mrssalvo]

Oh goodness Deco, how scary

You''ve already been given some good advice I just wanted to chime in and say I''m so sorry and hope you can find a solution quickly