any advice appreciated

[partgypsy]

"I feel really cross with someone at work. I don''t really have the right to either..."
I second and third what these people are saying. It''s not right he is behaving that way towards you, but again you are not giving him clear signs that it is UNACCEPTABLE for him to behave that way towards you. You don''t have to yell, or get emotional, in fact it''s better if you don''t, but you need to give him a clear message that is not going to fly. The next time he starts saying something don''t even let him finish speaking but say, "that''s inappropriate language and I''d appreciate that you don''t speak that way to me again". If he says he was just being funny just say "your idea of funny is not my idea of funny." If he touches you I would say something like "EXCUSE ME" move away and "Get out of my space". It''s unfortunate you didn''t nip it in the bud but from now on make it clear. As far as him cheating etc, I would only bring it up with your boss if it affected his job (i.e. missing work because of long lunch breaks, etc) but otherwise just deal with his behavior towards you and the same regarding the 18 year old.

Plus by doing this you will show the management you can hold your own and don''t need to run to the managment for everything.

I''ve worked in restaurants and yes sometimes not everything''s pc but you need to take care of yourself.

Of course if you do this and he persists, then it''s time to go to management, because (aside from harassment) his behavior is interfering with you doing your job.

 

[diamondfan]

Well, I do not agree that it is not your business, considering he is bringing the mistress to the work place and making it common knowledge amongst his co workers. I too find cheating distasteful, but maybe his wife is fine with it (doubtful but you never know) and luckily you are not married to him. Again, though, you have a right to your opinion and he is flaunting it a bit in front of you all.

I would also be annoyed with someone who does not do their job right or well, and leaves his messes for others to clean up. It is uncool to pass the buck knowing you will not be back from lunch and therefore someone else will get the angry customer in their face.

I also really think ANY sexual behavior (flirting, innuendo) that makes YOU uncomfortable is not okay. I am not sure about the laws in the UK but in the states it can be serious especially if you are a subordinate being pressured or harrassed in any way shape or form. I would clearly let him know that this makes you feel uncomfortable. If this is just "how he is", well, he needs to be careful. I am not a litigous person nor do I view a lawsuit as a casual thing to toss around, but there are laws about this stuff in place for a reason. If you are made uncomfortable by it he needs to respect it. One person's ability to handle something is their business. I think it is sad that a man is often afraid to tell a woman she looks lovely, but there ARE many guys who really carry things too far and are inappropriate. I am sorry you are going through this, he just sounds a bit yuck to me. And tell him that you would prefer to ersolve it with him and NOT go to your boss. If you must, your boss needs to know this is not about what OTHERS think or feel, but about how YOU feel. Touching your leg is gross. And he should keep his private business (i.e. that he cheats on his wife) out of work, unless he WANTS people to know and think he is a big stud or something.

 

[monarch64]

I don''t know if you''d be comfortable being so forward, but if it happened to me I would''ve given him a good smack on the hand for touching my leg! You might also ask your boss if this man would be allowed to touch customers in that way? I doubt if that would fly. You are not in the wrong here, don''t let anyone make you feel like you have to sit back and take this, it''s totally inappropriate. Sorry you are having to deal with this though, I know how excited you were to get this job.

 

[Maisie]

You know people do excuse his behaviour. They say its just his way. I suppose I was questioning myself as others seem to just accept it as funny. I don''t like it but thought maybe it was my problem and not his. I see now it is HIS problem but its me that has to put a stop to it.

 

[katebar]

Maisie you have been given some great advice here and please don''t think you have over reacted. The bottom line is this jerk is sexually harassing you pure and simple and you nor your employer should tolerate it. Here in Australia it is against the law to sexually harass someone at work. The definition of such harassment is :"• Uunwelcomed sexual attention that is offensive in some way". It''s not fun, flattering or flirting its harassment
It certainly appears that this jerks ''fun'' with you take the form of sexual harassment. I would suggest if you can talk to the harasser. Tell them what you think about what they are doing, and ask them to stop doing it.
If you don''t feel comfortable i would talk with your supervisor. I would also take notes on what has happened, when and where it was, what you did in response to the harassment . Just to show the nature of the harassment and the fact that you are serious about making this man stop!!
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[monarch64]

Date: 6/29/2007 1:03:36 AM
Author: katebar

Maisie you have been given some great advice here and please don''t think you have over reacted. The bottom line is this jerk is sexually harassing you pure and simple and you nor your employer should tolerate it. Here in Australia it is against the law to sexually harass someone at work. The definition of such harassment is :''• Uunwelcomed sexual attention that is offensive in some way''. It''s not fun, flattering or flirting its harassment
It certainly appears that this jerks ''fun'' with you take the form of sexual harassment. I would suggest if you can talk to the harasser. Tell them what you think about what they are doing, and ask them to stop doing it.
If you don''t feel comfortable i would talk with your supervisor. I would also take notes on what has happened, when and where it was, what you did in response to the harassment . Just to show the nature of the harassment and the fact that you are serious about making this man stop!!
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Keyword="unwelcomed." Doesn''t matter what the circumstances are at all. It''s so unfair that you have been made to feel uncomfortable by this person and your co-workers and boss have not been supportive.

 

[Kaleigh]

Maisie,

I'd take the direct approach, next time he lays his sleezy hand on you, I'd grab it and say " Excuse me?"

But that's just me.

I'm thinking you are not that confrontational. You can make a log of all the inappropriate things he does or says, and take it to your boss. The fact that co workers say, oh that's just the way he is.... Really means, they are saying to you don't make a fuss. Is that right?? Hell NO!!!
You'll have to make a stand as a new hire, telling the management, that this treatment is not acceptable, and they need to take care if it..... I'm not sure about sexual harassment laws in the UK, here it is taken seriously. Stand up for youself, and don't let that creep get the best of you. I have no words for him!!!

 

[Matata]

Maisie are you in the U.S.? Somehow I got the impression you live in another country. If you are employed in the U.S. read this http://www.eeoc.gov/types/sexual_harassment.html

As a director of human resources and affirmative action officer, I deal with these issues every day. If your employer does not have a sexual harassment policy you can go directly to the EEOC to file a complaint. When these situations end up in court, the employer is held accountable for the actions of the harasser and they are accountable for "what they know or should have known." If your employer has a harassment policy and procedure for filing complaints, use it. If the situation is not remedied through the employer''s procedure you can still go to the EEOC. It is important that you demand that this person stop the behavior and get on record as having complained to your employer.

Good luck. And if you''re interested in a bit of irony, I just got my supervisor fired for sexual harassment. He has nearly 30 years of human resources experience and you would think he would know better but there appears to be no limit to human stupidity. You''re a victim only if you let yourself be one.

 

[AGBF]

Date: 6/29/2007 11:09:40 AM
Author: Matata
Maisie are you in the U.S.? Somehow I got the impression you live in another country.

She is in the U.K., Matata.

Deb

 

[enbcfsobe]

Maisie, I''m so sorry you''re having to deal with this. I don''t know anything about how harassment is handled in the UK, but I''ll try to give some practical (rather than legal) advice.
First off, I know exactly what you mean about cheating -- it skeeves me out too, even when it doesn''t impact me. That said, except to the extent that his cheating is affecting your work situation directly, it isn''t something you can do much about.
With regard to how he treats you, particularly any physical contact that makes you uncomfortable, it is really important that you respond in a firm, but polite way if you haven''t said anything about it thus far. A simple "it makes me uncomfortable when you stand that close to me" would suffice. If he wants to try to "discuss" why you''re uncomfortable, you do not need to explain or justify -- just repeat that it makes you feel uncomfortable. If he turns it into a contfrontation, that''s when you suggest that if he cannot respect your wishes, you will have to seek the assistance of your superiors in changing how he treats you or how much you have to interact with him. Also, if he continues despite a firm, but polite rebuke, go to your managers. Even if they don''t take him that seriously, there are a few good reasons for this: 1) if no one ever goes to them because they don''t think management sees him as a problem, the view from above will never change; 2) you will be on record expressing that you feel his behavior is inappropriate and harassing -- at least in the US, this obligates the employer to check out the situation; 3) they just might fix it. I don''t know how things are in the UK in terms of retaliation -- in the US employers are not allowed to punish someone for making a complaint that they are being harassed. From a practical standpoint, these situations usually get worse, not better, and are generally worth the risk. What I''ve seen a lot are sad situations where those being harassed don''t say anything, and their work is affected and they are disciplined or even terminated for poor work, when the decline in their motivation or concentration is, in part, due to the harassment. Not saying this always happens, but it happens enough to make standing up a better choice than it might seem.
While I appreciate what Perry had to say about being wrongfully accused of harassment, I think that''s one reason to make the first step a polite statement of your boundaries. Then, if it happens again, there''s no mistaking what is happening.
Best of luck, Maisie!!

 

[pricescope]

Make fun of him Maisie, works wonders

 

[Maisie]

Date: 6/29/2007 2:07:50 PM
Author: Pricescope
Make fun of him Maisie, works wonders

Now that sounds like a plan!