advice needed situation with elderly mother

[junebug17]

Hey all…it's late, so probably won't get any responses (maybe someone in Cali or midwest is still up)- but real quick, I'm spending the night at my 88 year old mother's house - she was at the kitchen sink, went to get her walker and fell on the floor. (stroke 3 years ago, poor balance but can walk with walker). I was able to get her up, she seems ok, she's in bed now - my brother is at the store, she asked me not to tell him she fell - worried he'll make a big deal about it - but I've got to tell him, right? I'm thinking of asking him to not say anything to her about it, but I can picture him saying something to her - I don't want her to feel I've betrayed her - sorry this is somewhat incoherent, I'm still shaking - this is the first time she's fallen, don't know if it's a fluke but I know it's not a good sign. If I wasn't here, I don't think she could have gotten up.

 

[asscherisme]

If you are close to your brother and/or if he is close to your mom I think you need to tell. What if he finds out later, wouldn't he be upset you did not tell him? Your mom put you in a tough spot but I would tell and ask him not to say anything. As your mom gets older, more health issues will come up and where will the line be drawn of what to tell and what not to tell? Better to be open and honest.

 

[junebug17]

You're a doll for answering, thank you…makes me feel I'm not so alone…as soon as I got her up, the phone rang and as I went to get it my mother said "don't say I fell" - it was my brother with a question - I didn't say anything on the phone - I know my mother doesn't want me to tell him, but yeah, this is something he should know. Hopefully I can get him to agree not to bring it up with her.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

That really is scary. Does she live alone or does he live with her? She will need one of those emergency things to wear around her neck if she is ever alone in case she falls again. I would tell her that you have to tell him. Don't try to keep it a secret because he probably will let on that he knows.

 

[junebug17]

Thank you DS - she lives with my brother, I come several times a week to give him a break, on days I'm not here he will go out for 2 to 3 hours at a time. she has a life alert pendant but won't wear it, takes if off - obviously we will have to insist she wears it from now on - another reason my brother should know about this. You make a good point about not keeping it a secret, he'll probably say something at some point anyway. This stinks.

 

[dreamer_dachsie]

I'm sorry you are going through this It's a tough phase in life, and eventually I guess we all go though it. First as caregivers and then as the aging person. I hope my kids will look after me the way you are looking after your mom. It is such a loving act.

Because your brother is her primary caregiver, he does need to know about the fall. Can you convince your mother to tell him or let you tell him? If she won't grant permission, then I would tell her that even though you love her and want to respect her privacy, and even though you know its embarrassing to fall and you can empathize with her desire to keep it secret, you have to tell your brother because he cares for her emotionally and physically, and he needs to be kept informed. Hopefully she will buy in! I don't think I would tell the brother as a secret. But you can let your mom know that you just can't keep it a secret.

Hugs.

 

[junebug17]

Thank you for your kind words Dreamer and for taking the time to respond - I'm so glad some people are still up lol - I think I do need to have a talk with my mother - I have a feeling she won't give her permission, she's embarrassed and doesn't want to show weakness but we have to be realistic here - she is frail, and he really should know.

 

[VRBeauty]

My family goes through this stuff all the time - my father doesn't tell us when my mother has been hospitalized, initially my brother and SIL didn't want my mother to know he had been hospitalized (she's going through chemo herself)... it goes on and on. We do it to my mother because she's such a worry wart. She does it to us because she's such a worry wart that she imagines we are too. And if something were to happen to me, honestly, I'd consider whether or not to let my parents know.

But - that doesn't make it a good practice! We want and need to be able to support each other. And I think there are times when keeping these secrets really does make us sicker. It's certainly not helping you!

If I were you I'd just tell her - I'm sorry Mom, but "Bob" needs to know this. We don't need to tell him right now, but I will mention it the next time I talk to him. Besides, you'll feel better if you aren't worrying about whether he'll find out. Trust me.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Don't approach it like you are asking for permission. I'd tell her you love her too much to just leave and not tell him, because the next time she fell, he could be gone for 3-4 hours before he found her and you cannot be responsible for that!

 

[amc80]

I agree with previous posters. If your brother is the primary caregiver he needs to know. I think it would be irresponsible not to tell him.

 

[TooPatient]

Sorry to hear about your mom's fall.

I do think you have to tell your brother. He needs to know so that he can continue to make sure she is cared for in the best way possible. If she has pain tomorrow, he needs to know what caused it so he can judge how much (if any) additional medical attention is needed. She may be telling you she is fine but it could be that there are issues there that he won't spot if he doesn't know to be looking.

I don't think telling him in secret is a good idea. Your mom is bound to find out and then your trust would be broken. Let her know that you need to tell him just so that everyone knows. She should know that it isn't to embarrass her -- it is because you love her and want her to be safe.

Another thing to think about is what else is she asking to not have told? Has stuff been happening with your brother or someone else around and her asking to keep it a secret? If people keep secrets for her when it comes to stuff like this, there may come a day when several people have secrets that if others had known may have saved her life.


Big hugs to you and your mom and brother!

 

[junebug17]

VRBeauty, I really like the way you phrased it, I think that's how I'll present it to her, thank you!

You're right DS, I'll emphasize the fact that I'll feel terrible if it happens again while she's by herself, and that's why he needs to know.

TooPatient, you brought up something that I was thinking about too - she might be sore tomorrow, or have some pain so he really should be aware of what happened.

Thanks amc, yeah, it would be wrong not to let my brother know, I don't feel as disloyal after reading these responses.

Wow, thanks everyone, I appreciate the support!

 

[movie zombie]

I agree with previous posters. If your brother is the primary caregiver he needs to know. I think it would be irresponsible not to tell him.

I agree.

 

[asscherisme]

Now that I know your brother lives with her, even more what I said before, he needs to know. And I take back what I said about asking him to keep quiet about it. I think that sends a bad message to your mom you are willing to keep health secrets.

Big hugs to you. Its hard when people we love get older.

 

[Polished]

Your mother might be more amenable to wearing an arm bracelet rather than a necklace.

My mother in law is 92 and has suffered numerous falls. She can only shuffle along now with the aid of a walker - she's determined about getting around though, hence the more frequent falls. My father in law is 94 and is no longer able to lift her up after a fall. She has the arm bracelet but their first port of call is the kids who live in the street. They have their phone numbers and they are very amenable to helping a hand in this way. My mother in law has a ready supply of chocolates that are handed out to the children occasionally. They've always worked in this sort of way which is one of the main reasons why they are still living independently now, even though it sometimes gives us the collywobbles.

I just wanted to normalise falls with the elderly for you junebug. I think part of the keeping it "secret" is somehow making a big deal of it when really it's just another thing to deal with. It might help her if she thinks you are somewhat relaxed about it. I know it's hard. We worry about injuries happening.

 

[arkieb1]

Hi my 91 year old grandmother had a fall about 2 weeks ago and my father didn't find her for a few hours. They took her inside and she insisted she was O.K, they took her to the doctors and she was deemed O.K. Fast forward a week and a half and she still felt a bit "off colour" they took her to the doctors again and they admitted her to hospital turns out she had a minor heart attack and no-one was the wiser.... and no this is not my mother who also just had major heart surgery as well.

The point I am making here is not to alarm you, your brother is her primary caregiver so in order for both of you to give her the best care possible you should all be kept in the loupe of what has occurred with her, I don't see that as breaking her confidence as my mother and grandmother insist they are fine even when clearly there have been times when they obviously were not.

 

[decodelighted]

Our elderly neighbor is living with her daughter & SIL ... and just suffered a broken hip & 2 month hospital stay from a fall. She's back at the house now but has 24 hour assistance, where there was only lunch delivery service during the day PRE-fall.

Good luck with the situation. You need to tell your brother, IMHO. But you already know that.

 

[JewelFreak]

Seems like you've gotten good advice, Junebug, & are going to take it.

She may be grateful later that you did talk to him. My mother had cancer & was very independent. My sister was at her house when the dying process began. They phoned me one night & Mom insisted she only had flu. With my sister on the other phone, Mom said No, you don't need to come out here (Conn. to Colo.), I'm fine. My sister backed her up, not wanting to tell me when Mom could hear. I didn't like my sister's tone of voice & flew out the next day anyway. When I arrived, instead of being upset, Mom whispered, "Oh, thank God, you came." She didn't want to admit weakness to herself, or to "bother" me -- but was hugely relieved when we took the decision out of her hands.

Fact-facing is a necessity sometimes, unhappy as it may be. If your mother is capable of it, of course you should let her know you will talk to your brother. She is incredibly lucky (& probably deserving) to have such loving kids and to have you both close by.

Good luck, honey. Hang in there -- I know it's a wearing & tearful time.

--- Laurie

 

[chrono]

I would first talk with your mum about the importance of why your brother has to know. When it comes to health and safety, there should be no secrets. DH's grandmother fell when she was alone and seemed to recover but was not feeling well by the end of the day, and was later admitted to the hospital. She passed away a few days later due to blood clots. Your brother definitely has to know about any such incidents as the primary caregiver. There would be a lot of unnecessary "blame game" should there be a negative reaction later.

 

[junebug17]

Thanks a lot for the input MZ, Asscherisme, arkieb, chrono and Deco - yeah, he does need to know, and she needs to know I'm not going to keep secrets like this - weird dynamic going on with this situation - I'm the good- will ambassador from the outside world since she's basically a shut-in - my role seems to have evolved into being a source of entertainment and distraction, I'm the "fun" one, so I guess it's hard for me to address these issues since I feel pressure to be light-hearted and upbeat (which is becoming difficult to do, but that's a whole other thread lol), so instinctively I tend to avoid negative subjects - but it's time for me to address this with her, and be more upfront with her in general.

Laurie, you make a good point - she was frightened by the fall, she might be relieved to have the decision taken out of her hands and have it out in the open. It's an odd phenomena how difficult it is for family members to be honest with one another, isn't it? There's a tendency to want to keep things hidden from loved ones. I'm so sorry for your loss, such a difficult time.

Polished, my mother gets around exactly like yours - my mother also has balance issues, which makes her even more wobbly. You are absolutely right of course - falling is a part of growing old, better to acknowledge it rather than bury our heads in the sand - keeping it a "secret" makes it more shameful. And talking about it will serve as a reminder to her that she needs to be very careful when moving about.

All of you have really helped me with this, thank you so much.

 

[yennyfire]

Awww Junebug, I'm so sorry that you're in this position. It's hard to see our parents aging and the struggles they go through in terms of independence. I hope that your Mom told your brother and starts to wear her alarm button consistently. Hopefully, if she realizes that it will help her maintain her independence and give you and your brother peace of mind, she will be more willing.


Hugs to you...

 

[JewelFreak]

she might be relieved to have the decision taken out of her hands and have it out in the open. It's an odd phenomenon how difficult it is for family members to be honest with one another, isn't it? There's a tendency to want to keep things hidden from loved ones.

Junebug, yes, especially when a condition or illness is not going to improve. Each person knows it but all are reluctant to acknowledge it out loud.

The best gift my mom gave us was to be honest & open about her cancer & its side-effects (2 strokes & a few other things). We talked about everything -- every single thing, past, present & future -- and joked around. Except for that one glitch, her openness, humor, and willingness to accept facts & make us accept them made us all stronger.

I mean that SO much is gained by treating your mother's fall(s) as a fact of life rather than something to gasp over. If you, your brother & she can get used to talking about her problems in the same tone of voice as a "what do you want for lunch?" kind of conversation, it takes enormous pressure off all of you. Pretending there's no elephant in the room is draining. A tone of voice often becomes a tone of mind, in that you can take setbacks more calmly, all of you, and handle them with less alarm. Give her a chance to try; don't just assume she won't want to. Aging & illness are as much a part of life as are going to school, mowing lawns, bringing up kids. I learned from my mom that letting them weave in & out of conversations naturally puts them in an easier perspective where they cause less grief.

Don't know if I'm expressing this well, but hope you get what I mean.

--- Laurie

 

[Boatluvr]

Oh, I am in such a similar position. I'm the eldest of four and my children are grown. Somehow I ended up living with my 88 year old mother. She is fiercely independent and the last thing she wants to admit to is her age. She takes her dog for a walk at least once a day which entails going up and down a flight (she's in a condo) of eighteen stairs with the dog and her cane. She 'forgets' to take her cell phone. OMG. After getting her cataracts done, she is now back to driving her beaten up Mercedes again. She insists on 'doing things for herself' - it's going to drive me crazy! She literally starts walking before she gets her balance and has come close to falling many times. She's left the burner on the stove (it's gas). I could go on and on - but it seems as if many of us are in the same situation. I just wanted to let you know I feel your pain. It's hard to watch your parents age and to think of how it will be for you/me - because it's not so far off.

I have 3 siblings who all live fairly close but are not around much to help with Mom. If something happened to my Mom and I was not informed I would be livid - it really does not effect my siblings the way it effects me. I think (OP) you have already decided to tell your brother - I'm just throwing in my two cents and agreeing with everyone else.

Isn't it strange how once you have your kids successfully flying on their own you find yourself taking care of yet another generation?

 

[KaeKae]

I wanted to lend my support, as my brother and I face the same kind of thing with our 82 year old aunt. She's adamant that she remain in her apartment of 40 years, but when she's needing help won't ask for it. She does wear the Life Alert, but doesn't use it. About a month ago, her knee gave out. Fortunately, she was able to get herself onto the sofa, but could not get up. When she wouldn't answer the phone, her neighbor called my brother for permission to get the building super to open the door, they did, and now she's been in the hospital, then rehab for the past month.

A fully agree that both of you need to tell your brother. My brother and I repeat and repeat that we need to know everything, so that we can help her stay in her apartment. If only we can get her to use that damn button!

 

[Kaleigh]

I agree you have to tell your brother since he's the primary caregiver. I was a caregiver to my grandmother once my granfather died and wish I had someone else to help me.. It's hard..
You sound like you are the breath of fresh air.. One to come and laugh with her. That's awesome. And much needed..
I think if It were me, I would tell her that you simply can't lie and need to tell your brother...

You guys can cook up what you say to your brother.... She might enjoy that part....

But your bottom line is that you love her too much not to inform your brother... And that it's wrong to keep secrets when her health is involved. And try to take the stigma away from the fall. I think she's embarrassed .. Falls happen and if not taken care of ...

Yanno?

You are a great daughter!!!

 

[junebug17]

Thank you yenny, I do think this was a heads-up to her that she has to be careful - she usually doesn't take chances but occasionally she forgets and just moves too fast.

Laurie, you expressed yourself very well and I agree with you! It's very stressful to pretend that my mother hasn't changed and discussing this incident will definitely diffuse it and if and when she falls again, it won't be so shocking or upsetting. I do worry that she might take a more serious fall in the future, but I guess as long as she's still mobile we can't totally control that. It's just not feasible for us to follow her from room to room.

Boatluvr, I feel for you! Your mother is very active at 88 years! The tricky part is when the abilities don't match the drive. It's so hard for our aging parents to come to terms with the changes that come with getting older. When my mother had her stroke, driving was very obviously out of the question, but she would proudly state that she decided that she shouldn't drive - as if it was open to discussion! Luckily my mother realizes she can't cook or clean - I think she recognizes she just can't because of her instability. I don't think she really wants to cook or clean anyway lol. I wish you all the best in caring for your mother, I understand all too well how difficult it can be - you're doing a great thing by being there for her.

KaeKae, I'm so sorry about your aunt, I hope she recovers quickly and is feeling better soon… maybe this incident will serve as a wake-up call for her and make her realize she can't do it all and does need some help. And maybe she'll start wearing that damn button!

Thanks for the kind words Kaleigh! I can only imagine how hard it must have been to do it all on your own, I really admire you for that. I feel compelled to do what I'm doing both to help out my brother and to cheer up my mother. Can't lie, there are days I really don't want to go (most days, TBH) - I'm not a saint by any stretch- but I keep plugging along and do my best because in my heart I know it's the right thing to do.

Well, after all this rigamarole guess what - she must have forgotten she didn't want my brother to know (short term memory issues), so she told him herself before I could talk to her - all that angst for nothing, but it made things easier for me!

Thanks to everyone for your help, I got a lot of comfort and support from this thread!

 

[TooPatient]

Parents!

Glad your mom told your brother! It may be from her short term memory, but at least it worked out.


I think you are pretty nearly a saint! Too many people face these same challenges and refuse to keep plugging along. I did volunteer work with Alzheimer's patients and it was shocking how many people had few visits from anyone. Seeing what they were going through was hard for me. I left most days and cried in my car.

Watching a loved one age is hard.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

So many of us are living this same experience....keep up the good work!

With you in spirit--Sharon

 

[manderz]

I know I'm late to this thread, but PLEASE, PLEASE if she hit her head, even if it seems minor, get her to the hospital to make sure she is ok. My gram is 87,and recently fell and it seemed minor, until we went to the hospital as a precaution, and she had bleeding inside her skull. She's had dementia and a rapid decline in her physical abilities since, and is now in an assisted living facility as a result.

 

[MissGotRocks]

I've lived it - it's very difficult and while the responsibility to make all the right decisions presses on you so, you can only do the best you can do. It's truly one day at a time because if you go any faster than that, it becomes overwhelming. I learned that the very hard way. I only had so many decisions to make each day concerning my mother but I kept wandering into the future wondering what will I do if this happens, if that happens. Truth is most of what you worry about never happens the way you imagine it. So much of it is really out of our control anyway - and that's a hard thing to accept.

I was the only caregiver so I had no one to share the burden but if I had, I would have been totally honest with them. It would have served no one to have been any different and clearly you see that as well. It's such a balance trying to respect their wishes and privacy against their own safety.

There were days I thought I'd lose my mind and other days I could roll with it and laugh sometimes. I had good friends that listened endlessly and a husband that was very supportive. If I had to go back and do it all over again, I'd have lightened up on myself a bit but at the time. . .

Hang in there and chin up. It all comes to an end in time so in the midst of all the angst, try to enjoy the little things and the small moments. At another point in time, they will become so important and special to you. . . hugs and peace to you!