A question for divorcees.

[JaneSmith]

How do you feel about marriage now? Would you like to get married again? Would you just like to have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Would you do a prenup or cohabitation agreement? Is marriage just a giant crock? No boyfriend/girlfriend ever again? Serial monogamy? Polygamy?


Edit: Also, when did you know you wanted a divorce? If it was you or mutual, that is.

 

[urseberry]

My husband and I separated in May of 2013, and I have been pondering these same sorts of questions myself.

I found it helpful to identify the different parts of marriage, and what they mean to me. The lifelong commitment? Yeah, I don't believe in that anymore. It is certainly possible for some people, but no one can guarantee it. I still love weddings, because of all the positive energy and love. The legal protections of marriage are pretty nice, too. I hope someday soon all couples may enjoy them, regardless of sexual orientation.

What is most important to me, and what I do desire in the future, is a romantic partnership where both people agree that they make every reasonable effort to prioritize the health and happiness of the union. Your partner's needs come before your wants. Any conflicting desires are discussed, and both people agree on a compromise or workaround. You do what's best for the team.

 

[monarch64]

I remarried. I like being married. I was just with the wrong person the first time! It didn't change my views towards marriage at all, though. I knew what my expectations were and they were not being met with the first husband. I knew I was going to leave him about 2 years before I actually did. I spent a lot of time in denial and worried about what people would think of me if I divorced.

I dated a bunch of silly people after I left my first marriage, and I had a lot of fun. When I met my now-husband, who is hands down the best person I have ever known, I was really skeptical and I put him through the ringer making sure he was who he purported himself to be. I guess I felt like I got fooled by the first one and wasn't going to end up with someone again who pretended to be one thing and was actually completely the opposite and went so far as to admit that he had always wanted to lead a "double life." So yeah, I had a few trust issues going on. We love each other so much though, that every single hurdle that has come up has made us stronger and closer, which is SUCH a good feeling. With my first husband any obstacle was like a wedge between us that kept getting bigger and deeper. I learned some important lessons about marriage and about myself from my first marriage, and while I regret spending more time than I should have in that relationship, I do not regret that it happened. I think it has made me appreciate my husband and my current marriage even more.

 

[dk168]

I would not consider getting married again, once was enough, thanks.

I don't see why a piece of paper would make any difference if two people are truly in love with each other, unless perhaps to legitimise any children born out of the relationship; or to make things easier to settle should one party dies before the other (a will should address this though).

However, I would not decline a ring!

DK

 

[packrat]

I'm going to be 40 on my next birthday. We've been best friends since we met when I was 18, married now for 12 years. If it doesn't work w/*him*, it's not going to work w/anyone. There've been and continue to be moments where it pops in my head. If it were to occur, I would rather be alone than spend time trying to find someone compatible and "train" him.

Johnny Depp has now gotten engaged, so my options are limited.

 

[Mayk]

Remarried and couldn't be happier, more at peace, just all the way around content. My first marriage was a financial disaster. Before I would even consider marriage I had to pick up the pieces and put myself back together. I did that as a single working mom. I learned a lot from that marriage and it helped me grow. I think I'm a better partner and I found a better partner. I enjoy being married. It suits me.

 

[dk168]

I decided to leave my then hubby for many reasons, and not just because I had met someone else.

My late partner left his wife after being married for 30 years or so, and neither of us wanted to re-marry.

We realised we were not suited to live in the same building, so we lived apart, and met up mid-week and spent all the weekends together, which suited us.

When he died suddenly of an accident in 2008, I was considered his next of kin at first, until it transpired that he did not leave a will, and his son was the next of kin.

I shall not go into what happened next, except to repeat what my mum said to me at the time, that I shall always be the woman that broke up his family, and had to grin and bear it.

To this day, I believe he did not leave a will on purpose, so that I did not have to sort out his affairs, and enabled me to get on with my life, for which I was very grateful.

I would urge anyone living together without being married to have a will in place to avoid any unpleasantness in case one partner leaves this Earth unexpectedly.

DK

 

[joflier]

I'm certainly believe in marriage and am certainly open to getting remarried. Sometimes people change, grow apart, or just plain and simple don't belong together. That doesn't mean you can't find fulfilling love with someone else down the road. The one thing I do see as being different now is that I'm not in much of a hurry to walk down the aisle. I've been with my partner for over 3 1/2 years now and we're very happy, but since we've both been married previously, neither of us feels any kind of rush or pressure to get married right now. I think with my first marriage, I was younger (college age) and we had been together for a few years and there was a sense of pressure and expectation from family and friends (and even ourselves) to get married.
As far as the divorce, it was NOT mutual, it was my decision. I knew things weren't right about a year or so into the marriage, but I thought we could work through it. Long story short, he wasn't really willing to work on anything and starting showing increasingly bizarre behavior (mostly with money and spending) and after 3 years, I finally filed. After the divorce, I had a few casual dating relationships over the course of about 18 months until I was ready to get serious with someone again. It was a good way to get my feet wet with dating again and to feel something positive about men. It reminded me that there were some good ones out there. I didn't want to let my marriage jade my feelings going forward.

 

[MonkeysInk]

I got remarried about five years after I got divorced. I'm not sure I would have gotten married again, except that I wanted more children and I am not the sort to have children out of wedlock (raised Catholic in a small, conservative family - not judging others' choices, just remarking that it wouldn't have gone over well in my family/social circles). I love him very much, and he's very much what I set out to find. I made a list of what my ideal husband would be like and with some very small exceptions (like knowing the location of the laundry basket), he fits the bill. Someone remarked recently that I look radiant every time I speak of him, which is exactly how I feel when I think of him.

We have had some very frank discussions with our attorney about estate planning to keep our money separate and protected. Our money that we earn every day is shared, but money that came/comes from our families or our past is to be kept as our own to be retained in case we ever divorce. Our estate planning attorney is a lovely, candid man who helped us laugh through what could have been some very tense discussions and we both feel more at peace knowing we have made these legal distinctions, hoping never to have to use them.

 

[TC1987]

How do you feel about marriage now? Would you like to get married again? -- Back in 2004 when I divorced, I thought certainly I'd get remarried fairly soon. But then I relocated to a small town in a rural area, and it's been a real eye-opener in how the lower socioeconomic shack-ups live. Everyone here sleeps around with everyone else. Recreational sex and drinking are the chief forms of entertainment for the simple minds. So, no, I do not want any part of the worthless trash singles that make up the dating pool here. In small towns, all of the decent people are already married, and all of the singles are truly weirdos and losers, unless they happened to move here from somewhere better. (NEVER move to a place where all of the adults in your age group are working-class with just a GED or high school education.)

Would you do a prenup or cohabitation agreement? -- Definitely. I had a prenup for my marriage, and I definitely recommend one for any woman who has her own assets, particularly if she has more than the man. You may feel you want to share generously, but learning he's cheating on you or he has run up huge debts behind your back or he's drained the bank accounts can change your mind. Always keep something back for yourself. Always keep control of your own assets. Having some kind of cohabitation agreement is actually recommended for even platonic housemates or roommates of any kind, to delineate who brought in what, who pays for what, how to divide any property bought jointly, etc.

Is marriage just a giant crock? -- There are good ones and bad ones. If I were going to remarry, I would look for an engineer. I like high intellect and practicality. Also, most engineers don't have more kids than they can afford, and they want to get something else done in life besides continuously fool with children and debts. I am completely done with both childrearing and debts and don't want to get involved with either, ever again. Ever.

No boyfriend ever again? --- That's my policy regarding the local dating pool, yes.

Serial monogamy? Polygamy? -- Not intentionally. Polygamy is out. Serial monogamy would only happen accidentally, because I don;'t bother to date anyone who would not make a good mate. Men who would not make a good mate go into the "just friends" bin immediately.

Edit: Also, when did you know you wanted a divorce? If it was you or mutual, that is.[/quote] -- When it became apparent to me that I had been knocking myself out trying to please a man who was never going to grow up. I actually did still love him, in a way, but no longer liked him or respected him, and I just wanted to get away. It was a marriage that just fizzled out from the sheer tedium of being the only one who was actually working at it.

 

[Boatluvr]

I have been married and divorced twice. I doubt seriously that I would ever get married again as I have been single the majority of my life. I do get a bit lonely at times but on the other hand, I like being alone. Go figure.

A word to TC1987 - you might want to re-consider the engineer thing. My last 'ex' was an engineer. He's on his fourth marriage (at 50) and has three children by two different wives. The only thing that really matters to him is getting what he wants, when he wants it.

Really.

 

[NTave]

I divorced over 5 years ago. It was my choice, but it was because my husband had multiple addictions that I could not help him with. I was left to pick up a lot of pieces, and it took me a long time to get back onto my feet. During that time I didn't date. When I did get it back together and was ready to love again, I met someone and fell very quickly and "all in." This person was not who he said he was. That was a hard lesson. I went back to focusing on my family and myself. Ive dated, and I met someone I like to spend time with. Maybe marriage is in the cards, and maybe not.
I certainly think I would like to be married, but I think that that may have been my downfall the first time. I think I was a good wife, and I think I am a wonderful mother...but if it happens again I want it to be right in every aspect. Ive had children, Ive had the wedding...what I really want is that marriage with the person that I have always hoped for.

 

[NTave]

When did I know when I wanted a divorce? When I didn't want to try anymore. I felt very much like I was up against the wall without another choice. I was still in love with my husband, but he was not willing to try to help himself, or open to any changes to help us together. I had found out that he had borrowed 60k from my parents, I found a lien on the house, I found months and months worth of bills that were unpaid that he was in charge of. And he wasn't willing to try to help his addictions. We had two little kids, and it was very hard, but I knew if I stayed everything would go up in smoke. So we divorced. Id like to say the decision was hard, but it wasn't. It was the single best decision I have ever made. I spent years without child support (this man cant help himself, never mind anyone else) and I paid back all the household bills and taxes myself, but it took a long time on my own.

 

[JaneSmith]

Thank you all very much for your thoughtful replies. Very interesting, and helpful.
Please keep them coming!

 

[Kaleigh]

How do you feel about marriage now? Would you like to get married again? Would you just like to have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Would you do a prenup or cohabitation agreement? Is marriage just a giant crock? No boyfriend/girlfriend ever again? Serial monogamy? Polygamy?


Edit: Also, when did you know you wanted a divorce? If it was you or mutual, that is.

I have a new life. Had to save myself. Have a great SO. I don't know what parameters are... Just enjoying being happy for once....

 

[JaneSmith]

Thank you too Kayleigh. I appreciate everyone who answered this question for me.

 

[MollyMalone]

I've been officially divorced for 12 years, Jane, but left my husband before initiating the divorce proceeding. We were no longer in partnership (hadn't really been in several years, I felt like it was a marriage of convenience -- for him), were not modeling a good marriage for our son. Plus, my husband was not willing to acknowledge his drinking was becoming a problem, let alone begin to address it.

I am not at all adverse to the idea of remarrying, but remarriage is not a goal of mine. It's being in a fun, mutually supportive, intimate relationship that matters to me & I'm happy that I've had two terrific SO's (not at the same time BTW) in my post-divorce life, even tho' ultimately neither was "the one" for me.

Were I to re-marry, I would want a prenuptial agreement, primarily to ensure that we both are on the same page re the disposition of our respective assets upon death.

Let me add that although I sometimes have felt lonely as a solo, I have never felt as alone as I did in the waning years of my marriage.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I am recently divorced. I feel marriage is wonderful but am not sure I would get married again. Do I want to date? I have the take it or leave it attitude right now. If I meet someone that's great but I am very careful and definitely have PTSD symptoms from my marriage. I think it will be difficult for me to trust someone and allow myself to be vulnerable again. I have no problems with prenups. I don't have many assets but if I eventually married someone who did I would understand why one would be important. Sometimes marriages end and protection is important. I think marriage is really difficult but I rather be alone forever than with the wrong person. I was unhappy in my marriage for awhile. When it was over I knew it was over. Almost like a switch was flipped in my head. I never regretted my decision to leave my marriage. My ex did not want to divorce but eventually accepted it.

 

[TC1987]

I have been married and divorced twice. I doubt seriously that I would ever get married again as I have been single the majority of my life. I do get a bit lonely at times but on the other hand, I like being alone. Go figure.

A word to TC1987 - you might want to re-consider the engineer thing. My last 'ex' was an engineer. He's on his fourth marriage (at 50) and has three children by two different wives. The only thing that really matters to him is getting what he wants, when he wants it.

Really.

More than 1 marriage would be red flag for me, when I'm evaluating a man. Any man can make 1 mistake, but 2 or more divorces = It's the man who is a problem, for certain. I'm in engineering, and I know more stable married ones than repeats. The only one I know who has been married 3 times or maybe more now also has a drinking problem, and that is what his women got sick and tired of. Most dual-engineer couples that I know have zero to 2 children at most, and the lone exception to that was the Morman who had 8 as of 2004 when I last talked to him. That's chemical engineering and a smattering of civil and mechanical.
I'd need a really self-sufficient man who is through with childrearing and family, though. I am thoroughly bored by homemaking and motherhood, and I am happiest when I am avoiding family life altogether. I think that's how some of those people get so many repeat divorces: They are just unable to look themselves in the eye(s) and say "Yanno, I really deep-down detest this lifestyle, and I don't want bothered with it ever again." That's how I feel about the small-town homemaker role that all these small town people here keep trying to force me to comply with. Sry, just aint innerested, thx.