Working Moms and Dads - a question

[sugarpie honeybun]

Curious- on average, how many hours per working week are you able to spend with your child(ren)? For example, I work around 45 hours per week (Mon-Fri), not including travel time back and forth to my office. I usually spend ½ hour in the morning with DS before I have to get ready for work, and then 1 hour in the evening playing with DS, before it’s time to give him his bath and put him to bed. It kills me that I only get around 8 waking hours of quality time with DS during the work week . Unfortunately, I have to continue working at this pace, at least for now.

Anyone else in the same boat? How do you manage?

 

[fieryred33143]

I leave before she wakes up in the morning. I get home around 7pm and she goes to bed at 8:30 so 1.5 hours. We play, have dinner together, gets a bath/brush teeth, read a book, and I put her to bed.

I try to get every single thing done during the week, as much as I can do. It's great having those early bedtime hours because then I have a lot of time to do stuff like laundry and cleaning. A successful week means a very playful weekend

 

[NovemberBride]

I am in a similar situation- I typically spend about an hour with DD in the mornings (although I am also getting her and I ready for the day, so it is not as if we are playing for that whole time). I also generally spend about 2 hours with her at night (she goes to bed at 8:30). There are also some days that I don't get to spend any time with her in the evenings because I am at work until after she goes to sleep. I try to counter balance those days by leaving work early and bringing home work to do after she goes to sleep when possible. I try to make the most of our time during the week by making it all about quality time, since I don't have a great quantity of time with her. From the time we get home to when DD goes to bed, DH and I make it all about her. We take walks, read to her, play with her, feed her, then bathe her and put her to bed. We don't turn on the tv, answer the phone, or eat dinner ourselves until after she goes to bed. I save all errands for the weekend so I can come home right after work. Of course I would love more time with her, but this works well for us and I feel like I get to spend a good amount of quality time with her each day. Of course, we also spend as much time with her as possible with her on weekends since we work all week. DH and I rarely go out without her on the weekends.

 

[MustangGal]

I work 40 hours a week, and spend about an hour with Kyle in the morning (getting ready and eating mainly) and 3 hours at night before bedtime at 7:30. It's been a good balance so far.

Work can be a necessary evil, just make the time you do have the best, and get in lots of quality time on the weekends.

 

[sugarpie honeybun]

Thanks for the feedback. It helps knowing there are many others out there in the same boat. I also try to spend as much time as possible with DS on the weekends, but I still cannot shake the guilt I feel during the week when I'm handing him over to the nanny or MIL while I scurry out of the house only to spend an hour sitting in traffic, then 9 hours at the office, then another hour coming home. Urgh.

And just to torture myself even more...

I came up with this little analysis:

8,766 total hours in a year
1,664 total (waking) hours spent with DS over a year period, or, 19% of the year

 

[fieryred33143]

SPH-it is hard. Especially when you do the math.

All parents do what is necessary for their families. Rarely do I run into a mother (working outside the home or not) that doesn't have their family's best interest at heart. Also, your son doesn't need much to feel loved by you. Even a warm smile that takes no time at all is enough to light up their world. They really do appreciate all of the things you do for them regardless of when you do it.

Sometimes when I get home, DD will grab a book to read. She'll hand it to me and sit in between my legs on the floor and I read to her. She laughs and points and tries to say words as I say them. It doesn't make one lick of a difference that I spent the entire day at the office. In that moment, it's mommy and a book and it's all that matters.

I always think back to my mom growing up. She was a SAHM throughout my entire childhood and then started working when I was a teenager. Yet, when I look back to it I don't remember my mom ever working. I felt like she was always there. My brothers feel the same and it's because of how she spent her time with us. We had family meals, we watched movies together, she would take us on trips on the weekends, lots of time spent laughing. I bet it sucked for her to have to work since her intention was always to be a SAHM but if it did suck, she was the only one that felt it. My brothers and I never noticed her skip a beat.

 

[janinegirly]

I agree this is a hard thing to come to terms with. I work one day at home which is the only way I feel ok about it. I have similar hours (which are actually pretty good) but my commute time is too much (3hrs a day at best). However my daughter stays up later..so I get several hours by the time I'm home. I think it's worth it. But this means zero time in the morning when I leave for work...

 

[MonkeyPie]

.I always think back to my mom growing up. She was a SAHM throughout my entire childhood and then started working when I was a teenager. Yet, when I look back to it I don't remember my mom ever working. I felt like she was always there. My brothers feel the same and it's because of how she spent her time with us. We had family meals, we watched movies together, she would take us on trips on the weekends, lots of time spent laughing. I bet it sucked for her to have to work since her intention was always to be a SAHM but if it did suck, she was the only one that felt it. My brothers and I never noticed her skip a beat.

I always think this about my mom, too. Both her and my dad worked at least 40 hours a week yet I never felt like they weren't there when I needed or wanted them. And I was a very happy child because of it.

I work 40 hours a week (usually). I get up at 5am, leave by 6:20, get home at 4. Occasionally Micah will wake up and have a bottle with DH while I am getting ready, and so I get to see him a little bit before I leave. Then I get home, we play, eat, and have some Dreaded Tummy Time before he goes to bed around 7-7:30. Then I have time to check email, clean a bit, whatever I need to do. And my weekends are Micah and Mommy 24/7. I never feel like I am deprived of him, but I have some adult interaction in there when I need it (at work).

And it helps that he is always so happy to see me both in the morning and when I get home! All I have to do is say, "Hi baby!" and he will turn to look at me and just beam and kick his feet.

 

[dreamer_dachsie]

I spent about 30 - 60 minutes in the morning (the longer if I drive Hunter to daycare) and then spend about 2 hours in the pm. On weekends it is 12 hours per day! I worked it out and he does spend more time awake with us than his caregivers. Hunter is well balanced and happy and has lots of fun at his daycare center and enjoys lots of quality time with us too. We do not watch TV with him and when he is awake we spend all our time with him. I think it is great!

Are you sad about the situation because you miss your child, or because you feel societal pressures about how you "should" be as a parent?

Just read your second post. Mommy guilt is alive and well!

The reality is that modern parents probably spend much more time with our chidren interacting with them and playing and educating than parents ever did historically, and certainly more time that parents in cultures where people must work truly long hours -- like all day -- to survive. Historically, unless you were uber wealthy, both parents have always worked. Not outside the home necessarily, but without modern convieniences of dishwashers, clothes washers, supermarkets etc., women would have been working much of the day and would not have been spending any quality time with kiddos. The notion that parents, and women in particular, should stay at home and devote all their attention to their kids is a very modern invention. As is the guilt that most mothers feel who work outside the home and cannot live up to that "ideal".

Fight the power sister! Rejecting unrealistic expectations -- whether you are a working mom outside or inside the home -- is part of being a feminist, and an important part at that. Guilt is highly overrated and all it does is make you unhappy and therefore less able to be an accessible and involved parent.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

DH takes James to MIL/Nan/Daycare before I'm up in the morning so I get a hug and a kiss on their way out. I usually work about 35 hours a week and get around 4 wakeful hours with James after work. Weekends are strictly family time. We don't "dump and run" unless absolutely necessary. DH and I do date nights about three times a month, and on those nights James will often stay the night with MIL. It's actually kind of a nice break to tell you the truth!

I very firmly believe that the quality of time spent with your children is more important than the quantity of time spent with them. When I see James after work I devote all of my attention to him. He's 2 so he loves to help mommy and daddy do whatever needs to be done around the house - including cooking dinner and folding laundry.

 

[sugarpie honeybun]

Guilt is the ABSOLUTE WORST!

Dreamer - to answer your question - I feel badly because I miss him tremendously during the day, and this morning (during my hellish 1-hour commute into work…grrr), it really hit me hard that I spend such little time with my child during the week. I just have to keep reminding myself that it’s the quality of the time spent together, not the quantity, that really matters.

 

[sugarpie honeybun]

And I now have Public Enemy's "Fight the Power" stuck in my head.

 

[Jennifer W]

We get up at seven, leave at eight - we have an hour to have breakfast, play, watch Thomas the Tank Engine (well, DH watches it) then DH and Amelia go to work together. They have a 45 min - 1 hour drive, and he can have lunch with her if he doesn't have a meeting or urgent deadline. I can heartily recommend daycare at work if it is an option at all. Failing that, I'd look for daycare near work rather than near home. If you're stuck in traffic, you won't be fretting about getting home to pick up your LO in time, plus you spend the commute time together. DH and Amelia have been learning some deeply annoying songs recently. They are home by about 6:45, 7pm on a bad traffic night. We have a quick meal together then do the bath and bed routine, so not a lot of time in the evenings at all.

I think working days are a little shorter in the UK in general though- our full time jobs are 35 hours a week and we both have flexi time and homeworking options. That really does help, not least because it means we can say sod it, we're staying home with Amelia this morning, or we'll finish at lunchtime today and go to the park. That's worth a lot to us, although we could probably earn much higher salaries in more pressurised jobs.

 

[TravelingGal]

30 min to an hour in the morning, then 2-3 hours in the evening, depending on the day. Weekends, she's all ours.

She has such quality care with my mom, her nanny and preschool that I really don't feel she's deprived when she's not with me. If anything, she's having way more fun.

 

[MustangGal]

30 min to an hour in the morning, then 2-3 hours in the evening, depending on the day. Weekends, she's all ours.

She has such quality care with my mom, her nanny and preschool that I really don't feel she's deprived when she's not with me. If anything, she's having way more fun.

That's my feelings with Kyle too. He's interacting with other kids all day, learning to be social, share, etc.

If you add in naps and stuff, it's not all that much time you're "missing". I had that guilt when I dropped Kyle off at day care when he was 9 weeks old. At that point he slept like 4 hours of the 9 he was there. As he's gotten older he sleeps less, but spends more time playing with the other kids, which is something I'd like him to have since we probably won't be having another child. He's now 20 months and I've moved passed the guilt and accpeted it as how we function as a family.

 

[curlygirl]

30 min to an hour in the morning, then 2-3 hours in the evening, depending on the day. Weekends, she's all ours.

She has such quality care with my mom, her nanny and preschool that I really don't feel she's deprived when she's not with me. If anything, she's having way more fun.

Same here. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything with my children and I know they are having a blast and learning a heck of a lot when I'm not around. I actually start to go a little nuts on the weekends when I am with them around the clock! I have absolutely no guilt about it. Maybe that makes me seem like a bad mother but it keeps me sane which means I'm a happy mother.

 

[Mara]

I have worked out a modified schedule (for now) so I get a little bit more time with J than I would normally. I work from home one day a week and also 2 afternoons a week. On a 'normal work day', I get his morning bottle and snuggle time; and then I get home/pick him up at about 5:30pm. He goes to bed at 7pm. He's also CRABBIEST before bed--happiest in the morning. But the WFH day is great since I am with him all day even if I am working in the other room. And the 2 afternoons give me that little bit of extra time with him.

Before my mod schedule I'd just have his morning bottle and then the 1.5 hours in the evening. I did that for about a month (with a WFH day) and it wasn't enough time with him. My boss probably won't let me continue as I am going past our previously agreed upon Nov date, but I plan to tell him I still need the 2 afternoons (I do actually--our nanny can only stay til 2:30pm on those days) and that's it. Thankfully I am in a position where they do really need me, but of course anyone is replaceable over time.

I also don't think that J misses me much at all. He has other caretakers who are very loving and give him lots of attention. He also acts pretty independent. So I think it's more a matter of me missing him than other way around. Though he is very excited when I come home.

SugarPie.. I definitely think the way you do about how many hours at work vs with him etc. I do like my job. And I like being away and having 'me' time and using my corporate brain. I don't think I'd make a fabulous SAHM. But I would like to work less hours. Unfortunately my current job won't support it--so I'm making due with flex hours for now. I get paid quite well, so I really can't complain--even though I still do. Haha.

The other thing I think about is since we plan to only have one, I really want to make things work as best as possible for ME because I will only have this opportunity once. Career can always wait a year or two if absolutely necessary. I definitely am passing up an opportunity to climb the ladder right now and sometimes it grates on me but then I get to come home a little early and I'm ok with it.

 

[elrohwen]

Both of my parents worked 40 hours a week and I was in daycare and after school programs my whole childhood. I have very very few memories of daycare, but many memories of my parents. I always felt like they were there for me and that we spent a lot of quality time together. I also remember being very happy to see my mom at the end of a day in daycare and I think I appreciated her more than if I had been with her all day. I agree that quality of time is more important than quantity of time! I never felt deprived and, also because I was an only child, I always felt like I had their whole attention and love.

I don't have kids, but when I do I will most likely be a working full time. I've really enjoyed reading these responses because it's something I think about a lot and hearing real life perspective is great.

 

[Sniven]

I (Dad) am with my daughter (1 year old) from the time she wakes up around 8am until I go to work at 5:30pm. I don't usually get done work until 2:30am. My wife works a 9-5 so she takes care of DD until she goes to bed around 8pm. My wife and I only see each other in passing during the week, but it is a sacrifice we made to ensure our daughter would not have to be in someone else's care. We feel blessed to be able to do so.

 

[Pandora II]

Please don't feel guilty!

I'm a SAHM at the moment but hoping to go back to work 3/4 days a week as soon as I find something. Daisy is now 17 months and I honestly think that she would get more 'quality' time with me if I was working.

It's so difficult getting anything done at home with her as she doesn't nap and half the time won't go to bed till 10pm+ so I have to spend time doing chores, supervising builders, ordering light-fittings etc while she's hanging round my ankles. Everything takes 10 times as long and often involves me or her getting annoyed with the other.

I try to take her out to do something fun at least twice a week if I can but it doesn't always happen - and then I feel guilty that I'm neglecting or not stimulating her and that she'd be way better with a nursery or childminder who was 100% concentrating on her all day and not other things. Oh, and then I feel guilty again because I've been lucky enough to stay at home with my child and haven't used every minute on her...

 

[vespergirl]

Well, I'm home with my kids until I go back to school for my Master's, but my DH works full-time, and only sees them for about an hour a day (some days he doesn't see the baby at all).

But my 3 year old is obsessed with his dad, and thinks he hangs the moon. Even though he spends less time with him during the week, he is so excited the instant he walks through the door & then it's like I don't exist. They spend a lot of quality time together on weekends, so they really do have an incredible bond. So, even though they have a very limited amount of time together during the week, the time is wonderful, and my son loves it.

I think that children often cherish the working parent more, because the time that they have with them is so special. My son is totally tired of me because I'm around all the time, but his father is his hero. Maybe it is a little bit of "absence makes the heart grow fonder."

 

[steph72276]

Well, I'm home with my kids until I go back to school for my Master's, but my DH works full-time, and only sees them for about an hour a day (some days he doesn't see the baby at all).

But my 3 year old is obsessed with his dad, and thinks he hangs the moon. Even though he spends less time with him during the week, he is so excited the instant he walks through the door & then it's like I don't exist. They spend a lot of quality time together on weekends, so they really do have an incredible bond. So, even though they have a very limited amount of time together during the week, the time is wonderful, and my son loves it.

I think that children often cherish the working parent more, because the time that they have with them is so special. My son is totally tired of me because I'm around all the time, but his father is his hero. Maybe it is a little bit of "absence makes the heart grow fonder."

Totally the same at my house with my boys!