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Update on living with the inlaws

february2003bride

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 18, 2005
Messages
3,546
I wanted to post in my old thread but it's already locked...
(https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/living-with-the-in-laws-for-4-6-weeks-how-to-cope.139148/)

Anyway, I just wanted to post an update since so many of you were kind enough to post to my problem. DH's parents are still living with my BIL but there was a huge, horrible arguement that happened and we got a phone call on sunday saying it was our turn for them to come down. That BIL and his wife had had enough, which is only fair given that the ILs had been there since spring. To make a long story short, there were various plans on getting them here, possibly BIL and his whole family visiting later, etc. In the end, they decided to all drive down together, in one SUV with 4 adults and 3 kids plus luggage- to our place. EVERYONE (12 people total) is staying with us for 8 days.

On one hand, I don't get this. BIL's wife needs mental/emotional/physical space from the ILs. Doing a two day drive in one car (to and from) and staying with them and us doesn't accomplish that. My guess is, BIL strong armed her into saying yes. One the other hand, we only get ILs for 8 days (thank god), and we get to see our nieces and nephew, whom we adore. DH has already mentioned that maybe BIL & family could go back after one week and his parents stay for another 4-6 weeks, I'm not sure what we'll decide on that one as DH has several trips to go on and I CAN NOT be alone with them.

That being said, the arguments between DH and I about his parents reached a point that we decided to see a marriage counselor. I've been once by myself, DH wil go with me to the next one, which is right smack dab in the middle of their visit. It got to the point that I couldn't ask any questions or have any reactions to anything regarding them without it sending him into almost a rage and saying that he wanted a divorce. The final boiling point was Sunday night, DH left on a trip Monday morning and I booked an appointment with a therapist. I'm SO GLAD I went as she's great, validated my feelings and reactions to them, that this was not really a cultural issue (DH always threw out that card) but a boundary issue.

Anyway, wish me luck for this week, lol. I do have some away time planned (suggested by the counselor) and am happy DH has agreed to go as well. This is definitely not an issue to get divorced over and we love each other to get to that extreme. I hope.
 

sctsbride09

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Sep 3, 2008
Messages
555
I dont remember your previous post, I just wanted to wish you luck. Dear lord if my in-laws even stayed for 8 days I would be pulling my hair out
27.gif
I cant even imagine several weeks. I think its great that you are both getting therapy for this, your inlaws should not have this much pull in your marriage. This is obviously a problem with your SIL too, so hopefully your husband will understand its not just you, that bounderies need to be put in place. Best of luck to you!
 

cara

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 21, 2006
Messages
2,202
Oh Feb, I remember your previous post and good for you going to therapy! I hope the joint sessions help you and your hubs reach a better place. Threatening divorce is no good!
 

Indylady

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 28, 2008
Messages
5,636
Oh dear..lots and lots of dust for this upcoming week!

Talking about the in-laws, and one's parents, bring out the worst in people. Sometimes my parents fight over their in-laws (all whom have passed away!), and things get heated quickly. Its easy to get defensive when it comes to family; hence "your mama" jokes.

I disagree with the counselor who says its not a cultural issue; I think that a large part of it is. It is a boundary issue, but its one that might not have been so extreme if not for his culture.

I think you and your hubby will be just fine, but I'll be thinking of you and sending dust regardless. I'd bring home lots of movies and snacks to keep everyone busy, and maybe send the crew out to a movie or the zoo for the day once that week. I'd also feign an appointment or two to get yourself out of the house. Good luck!
 

onedrop

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 24, 2006
Messages
2,216
Date: 7/2/2010 7:02:14 PM
Author: IndyLady

I disagree with the counselor who says its not a cultural issue; I think that a large part of it is. It is a boundary issue, but its one that might not have been so extreme if not for his culture.

I disagree with the counselor as well. It seems like major focus of the issue you expressed is cultural in nature in that the amount of time spent with the in-laws and how they related to you is probably largely rooted in their culture. So I think the cultural aspect must be taken into consideration when trying to resolve the problem.

I do wish you and your DH the best in dealing with the family issues. And I also think it''s a great step to seek counseling to try and work through things. Much luck to you!!!
 

cara

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 21, 2006
Messages
2,202
IndyLady, maybe it is splitting hairs, but in this case it sounds like feb's husband has been using 'cultural differences' as an excuse to not engage with meaningful compromise with his wife on this issue, and threaten her with divorce if she questions what is going on. Or maybe that is just his deep frustration talking. Of course their cultural differences are instigating/exacerbating the situation, but you can't just hide behind them and let your marriage fall apart and say that your only issue is cultural differences. In-laws from the same culture are just as capable of being poisonous houseguests and meddling in their children's marriages. Boundaries are needed, but most importantly, the married couple needs to be able to communicate about these issues and for each to feel as if their spouse has their back. If the husband is more willing to threaten his wife with divorce than to stand up to his parents (whom have specifically undermined his marriage previously) then that would not leave me feeling very confident in my marriage or my husband's ability/willingness to stand up to his parents when needed.
 

Indylady

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 28, 2008
Messages
5,636
Date: 7/2/2010 7:37:15 PM
Author: cara
IndyLady, maybe it is splitting hairs, but in this case it sounds like feb's husband has been using 'cultural differences' as an excuse to not engage with meaningful compromise with his wife on this issue, and threaten her with divorce if she questions what is going on. Or maybe that is just his deep frustration talking. Of course their cultural differences are instigating/exacerbating the situation, but you can't just hide behind them and let your marriage fall apart and say that your only issue is cultural differences. In-laws from the same culture are just as capable of being poisonous houseguests and meddling in their children's marriages. Boundaries are needed, but most importantly, the married couple needs to be able to communicate about these issues and for each to feel as if their spouse has their back. If the husband is more willing to threaten his wife with divorce than to stand up to his parents (whom have specifically undermined his marriage previously) then that would not leave me feeling very confident in my marriage or my husband's ability/willingness to stand up to his parents when needed.

I'm going through sentence by sentence; I certainly hope that Feb's hubby isn't avoiding a meaningful exchange and compromise on this situation. No, you can't hide behind the blanket of "circumstances", and I do agree that in-laws of the same culture can be just as toxic. I also agree that a married couple needs to know how to communicate with each other.

To your last few sentences: I am CERTAIN that Feb's hubby stands up for Feb. Though I don't know him and nor will I ever, I am positive he does so. He wouldn't have been able to marry Feb otherwise. That shows that he is willing to stand up to his parents.

Feb, I can understand your DH's reactions. I've been in his shoes. Heck, I am in his shoes. If my SO criticized my parents, I'd be livid. Thankfully, he doesn't. If you're constantly criticizing his parents, who are an extension of him, I can see how it would wear him down. Saying things like, "I cannot be alone with them" must be hard for him to hear. He gets a bashing from his family, and then one from you. Yes, he's the one that signed up for it, but it is a lot to handle. I wouldn't wish my worst enemy to be in that situation.

What do they do/say to you?

Again, Feb, lots of hugs and dust to you for the coming week. I hope things go smoothly!
 
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