Update on dog issue

[partgypsy]

Probably everyone is sick of our travails with our dog. I was feeling hopeful when I last posted about Chuck because my husband was making a good effort to try to walk the dog. But then, slipped into usual routine. We have a pretty lassie faire lifestyle, which works ok with some dogs, but not with Chuck. He needs alot of routine, alot of structure, alot of exercise and he is not getting any of those things, and it is not right.

I have tried tried tried to start over again and become attached to Chuck. I think we have too much history at this point. In the best of times I feel sympathy for him for all the bad times he has had, or usually neutral noncommital. But because of our history together, and the fact that essentially my husband chose the dog over me, I have all these negative feelings when I see him. He is about 100 times better than when we got him. I just realize I am never going to care for him or even like him like I have all my other pets, and it makes me feel terrible. It makes me not want to be around him. It also makes me realize this is not going to get better, because I don''t want to train him let alone spend alot of time with him because of the way I feel, and my husband liking him, just doesn''t do it.
Thanks for letting me vent. Even if nothing can be done, it feels good to air it out, since I can''t talk to my husband about it.

 

[Loves Vintage]

Can you post the link to your prior topic about this? Have you had other dogs before? What kind of dog is he?

Sorry, but I don''t know the background about this situation. Do you and your DH ever walk him together?

 

[partgypsy]

https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/ever-not-bonded-with-a-pet.87719/

There is an earlier May posting. I used to be the biggest animal lover. Now I''m not sure if I even like dogs anymore

 

[Loves Vintage]

There is obviously a direct relationship between your husband exercising Chuck and Chuck''s behavior. Does your husband acknowledge this?

Is your backyard big enough for him to run around? Will he play fetch? One of my dogs (a beagle/hound mix) is a bit of a terror when she is not sufficiently exercised. My husband takes her into our backyard and plays with her. She loves to run! So, he''ll throw a tennis ball for her or he will pretend to chase her and she will run and run and run and be in her glory. Aside from this and running with my greyhound inside the fenced area of the yard, they do not get walked regularly, but her behavior is remarkably improved by her daily running outside. If she misses a day, I could tell in her behavior.

Would your husband be willing to take Chuck out for substantial playtime like that every day? If not, it seems that the re-homing advice from the prior thread still stands. Why does your husband want to keep Chuck if he doesn''t want to exercise him properly?

 

[Aloros]

I''m with Loves Vintage.

Don''t feel bad - you can''t expect to bond with every dog. Chuck is your husband''s responsibility. He wanted Chuck, he wants to keep Chuck, he needs to be doing the things that will keep Chuck well-behaved!

This is just such an impossible situation for you.

 

[partgypsy]

We all know the relationship between exercise and Chuck. I can only do it if there is someone else at home to watch the kids, since I can''t walk him the kids. I walked him this morning in fact. But the fact is, we can''t be consistent with it. My husband over-commits (he works 2x a week plus is the house husband). Alot of time that means watching other people''s kids in addition to our own, and also being away in the evening. So I get home from work, the house is a mess, the dog is not walked, and he is leaving to go somewhere. Chuck keeps escaping from our backyard (there is one place he gets out, keep fixing it, but he keeps breaking it down). The dog is hyper, escapes, and I have to leave my house with my children in it unattended while I try to get the dog back. It is not a safe situation.

Last evening he got out and was barking in front of our house. A young black man was walking home with groceries and Chuck was running around barking at hm, and I was really paranoid that he would take a nip at this person (he still does it to us). I realized that if that happens and we were sued and we would be liable because a) he is loose and b) he is untrained. I brought this up with my husband this morning and naturally he dismissed my concerns and of course is mad at me for bringing up the Chuck situation again.

I felt weepy this morning because I realized I was looking forward to the day 10+ years from now that Chuck dies peacefully in his sleep because I will finally be free.

 

[Loves Vintage]

So, I''m sorry, but Chuck really should be re-homed. Your husband seems out-of-touch with reality on this situation. Re-homing the dog is not failure!!! Every dog is not going to be a match for every family. Ask your husband how he thinks Chuck would feel if he were living with an active couple with no kids that goes on hikes every weekend? He would no longer be hyper, trying to escape or nipping at people and exposing your family to potential liability. This seems like a disaster waiting to happen.

I''m really sorry you have to deal with this. What is it going to take to get your husband to agree to re-home him? Has he ever articulated the reason why he wants to keep him?

 

[purrfectpear]

How about getting a doggie treadmill? I realize it''s an added expense but it would solve the need for exercise and you could put it in the garage.

 

[Amandine]

Date: 6/12/2009 1:36:29 PM
Author: purrfectpear
How about getting a doggie treadmill? I realize it''s an added expense but it would solve the need for exercise and you could put it in the garage.

My cousin does this with her Lab! She just uses their normal treadmill, attaches the leash somehow and she supervises so he can''t be hurt. He loves it!

 

[partgypsy]

As far as re-homing had a big discussion what would be best for Chuck, etc, he said only situation give up Chuck if he unprovokedly seriously attacked our children (note I don''t even rate). Since obviously a dog of a tempermant like that would be euthanized, essentially he''s saying there is no (reasonable) situation where he would agree to re-home the dog. My husband and I are of two minds on this. I actually think it is unhumane for him to stay in home where he is not wanted/not fitting in.

Our house is on a really small lot; we don''t have a garage. We could hire a dog walker. Or maybe kennel him in the evenings.

 

[soocool]

Gypsy, I know this is hard on you. You''re at your wits end and your husband doesn''t want to give up the dog. Even though I love animals, there has to be that right match between pet and your household. Some dogs are somewhat self sufficient, others need more attention. Are there any trainers in your area who could help? Doggie daycare a couple of times per week could help with socialization and exercise. Even though my dog gets plenty of exercise, I take him there 2xs a week where he plays with other dogs (supervised) and comes home nice and tired. Other dogs who go there also get some time with the trainer who will work on certain issues owners have with their dogs. Just an option if there is no other recourse for you right now.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Doggie day care or a dog walker. It''ll cost money, but at least you''ll all be sane.

 

[partgypsy]

I think what I feel like doing, is tonight sit down with my older daughter and have a serious talk how she feels if I found another home for Chuck. If she is ok with it, I will on my own try to find a better home for Chuck. I know at some point in this process I will have to talk to my husband, but the last time it got to this point where I was making steps to find another home, he hit the roof, well I just don''t want to go through that again. Part of the stress with the dog is the division it has caused between us. I really don''t want to get to the point I can''t take it anymore and drop him off at the local shelter, where he will be put down in 24 hours. I don''t want it to come to that. When we first got him we didn''t bring up giving up on him because I think in our hearts we knew he was unadoptable at that point, and giving up on him was a death sentence. I don''t think he is unadoptable at this point, and would be beneficial to be in a different environment.

 

[packrat]

I agree w/the others about finding a new home for Chuck. What I don''t understand is why your husband so badly wants to keep the dog..yet doesn''t seem to want to have anything to do w/him. I think that''s selfish and certainly he''s not thinking about what''s best for poor Chuck. When he''s home w/the kids, can they all play outside together and burn off some of Chuck''s energy? Maybe all go for a walk together?

 

[partgypsy]

WAY TMI post. Brought up the issue with hubby, and it went over as well at WWIII. First we had a big fight, then an argument, and finally a discussion. It felt equivelant to 5 marital counseling sessions. We came to some understandings. He felt that past year about 60% of the time we have had big fights it has been about Chuck. He sees this as the problem not being Chuck, but primarily me (the way I respond to things). I admit that there is more at issue than the dog (primarily that we have become adversarial when problems are brought up) but also that I have been consistent with the way I have felt about Chuck. Also, that we both feel cornered with this situation, he feels backed in a corner when I bring it up because he is attached to Chuck and feels we have spent alot of time on him that is "wasted" if we don''t keep him. In turn I feel like I have no options because when I get to the breaking point, he dismisses my concerns as me being hysterial so I don''t feel I have any leverage in the relationship.

There are other issues that I don''t think I brought up that complicates things. In the whole time line, I had heard about this dog through the neighborhood email list and responded would be interested if they couldn''t find anyone. They called me back, thanks, found someone. About a month and a half later the original foster couple called me frantically that they needed to find a new home for Chuck. That was when my dog was very ill and told them I was in no position to get another dog at that time. They wanted me for some reason to call the adoptive family to tell this to him. Apparently this was the third he had gone through in quick sucession. So I called them and told them I just couldn''t take the dog, but to get hold of the original foster faimly. The man was very non-commital, just said ok, but we can''t keep the dog. A couple days later the couple calls upset asking me what I told them, because they came by the adoptive person''s home and the dog was not there. The man and his son were evasive with their responses, saying the dog ran away, should check the pound. Sure enough they checked and Chuck was there, with a gunshot wound. He was shot, presumably to be killed. He was lucky as the bullet missed anything vital as it went through the front part of his body, breaking his leg when exiting. So the main thing, is that Chuck does have some serious stuff in his background, and I got involved in such a way I felt some obligation to Chuck at that point.

The other complicating thing is that the past year has been unusual for us in the amount of strife we have had domestically. Since I''m not on birth control I do respond more emotionally to things (aka pms) and also have low level anemia. In turn he has something that is making him progressively more anemic which we are in the process of investigating (most probably a gi bleed).

So, what I am thinking is that we will defer the Chuck issue until we resolve these other issues. Hopefully we will then have more "reserves" to deal with conflicts in our marriage (including Chuck.

 

[Lorelei]

Gypsy,

You know I don't know if this would help but don't put pressure on yourself to love Chuck or even feel love towards him - if this is what is happening in part that you are trying to make yourself love him and are in a cycle of trying to love him, and can't, that won't work. It may sound bad but trying to force feelings towards him could be making things worse. Just feed him and make sure he is taken care of in all respects as he needs but don't put any pressure on yourself to bond with him or try to have feelings for him right now. It isn't ideal and the poor chap has had a very rough time of it by the sound of it ( SHOT!!!!

) but can you find it within you to care for him and keep him safe in his home? Just try taking that pressure off yourself in feeling bad that you don't love him for now. If you could do that it might help a bit.

Also see if there is a doggy daycare in your area where you could drop him off and have a break, that might help too.

 

[partgypsy]

Lorelei, I think that is very astute about part of what is hard my ambivelance towards him emotionally makes me feel so divided, and welling up bad feelings in me. I feel emotionally better about framing it as we are"fostering" him providing him a good home, making sure he has the things he needs. We do better when we focus on small concrete things about Chuck such as making sure he gets walks, etc than the big questions. I know that he is not an ideal dog, not one I would have picked, but also know that doesn''t mean we can''t provide a home for him that''s at least somewhat healing. Also we discussed and he agreed if I need to take a break for a few days he can go to this daycare/kennel place, which who knows might be nice for him as well (they get to interact with other dogs there).

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 6/14/2009 4:03:47 PM
Author: part gypsy
Lorelei, I think that is very astute about part of what is hard my ambivelance towards him emotionally makes me feel so divided, and welling up bad feelings in me. I feel emotionally better about framing it as we are'fostering' him providing him a good home, making sure he has the things he needs. We do better when we focus on small concrete things about Chuck such as making sure he gets walks, etc than the big questions. I know that he is not an ideal dog, not one I would have picked, but also know that doesn't mean we can't provide a home for him that's at least somewhat healing. Also we discussed and he agreed if I need to take a break for a few days he can go to this daycare/kennel place, which who knows might be nice for him as well (they get to interact with other dogs there).

I do understand and kudos to you for not giving up on Chuck!!!

I know it must be so hard having this doggie and not feeling love towards him but it doesn't mean you are a bad person, nor is it something wrong with Chuck - it just is. Take that pressure off, you don't have to love Chuck or reproach yourself in any way for not doing so. Congratulate yourself on your willingness to work through this and your courage in asking for help, rather than walking away from Chuck. You are doing a wonderful thing in giving him a home and making sure his needs are met - try the doggie daycare as soon as is practical to give yourself a break and recharge and above all keep that pressure off yourself about your feelings towards him. Maybe in time the love will flow all of a sudden, but if it never does then you have given an unwanted abused dog a home, a family and care and attention and that is something to be PROUD of!!!