The inlaws are coming....

[LitigatorChick]

Thanks everyone. I really really hate this whole situation.

Cara''s post really made sense to me, in a way I had never thought about things before:

Your script is a great way to work on mending fences with a reasonable, old friend with whom you have had a falling out. It is not a good way to begin with unreasonable, abusive people who will take advantage of any weakness or fault you admit to. And whom fundamentally think they are in the right - they are not going to hear anything in your script telling them to change their behavior.

These people have no friends - they have had huge battles with anyone they previously considered a friend. They have had massive falling-outs with 1/2 of their family. They are despised in the town that they have lived in for 30 years - they plan on moving next year, since they have no friends there.

I guess I live my life assuming everyone is like me and my family. I don''t have friends I don''t talk to, I don''t isolate my family. Generally, things work out for me with most people, and where I have disagreements, we can work them out reasonably.

I have been coming at this all wrong. I need a serious paradigm shift to tackle this right. These people are messed up. I think the "script" is out. I just need to have my comments ready, and if things get bad, Miller and I will go shopping (nothing like retail therapy), or out for coffee or to the park.

 

[Kismet]

Date: 7/11/2008 2:53:47 PM
Author: dreamer_dachsie

Date: 7/11/2008 12:29:56 PM

Author: Kismet

Date: 7/11/2008 12:19:07 PM

Author: dreamer_dachsie

Date: 7/11/2008 11:21:01 AM


Author: KimberlyH


''Considering our last conversation was quite unpleasant for all involved I think I need to be clear with you about a few things at the outset of this visit. We''re happy to have you here, and while you are here there are some things I expect from you...''



But frankly, if I were in your shoes and my husband took the stance yours is, I''d book a hotel and take Miller away for the weekend, not caring in the slightest if DH were going to ''explode.'' Or I''d leave Miller (I don''t think their comments about him are kind, but I don''t think they are abusive either, and my guess is they wouldn''t make those comments if you weren''t around because it seems that their goal isn''t to hurt their grandson, their intent is to upset you, and they succeed) and take off for a weekend of R&R all by myself.

I like this solution a lot, LC. Unless you believe he is in danger, then it will not hurt him to spend some time with his gross, crass grandparents.

I don''t know if I''d do that. Wouldn''t that be giving them exactly what they''ve been angling for with their behavior ... time alone with son and grandson? Plus they chased their wretched DIL out of her own home. Bonus!

You may be right. I guess there is a decision to be made about how seriously she wants to confront the issue. I don''t see leaving the house as letting them ''win'' but rather as a compromise that actually gives everyone what they want: she doesn''t haev to see them or deal with them, he hubby gets to see his parents, and they get to see the grandchild. But maybe this issue does indeed need to be tackled head on. I am just not sure how she can do that without the support of her hubby without putting her marriage in the middle of it all, and although many of us have said, ''Well you marriage should be in the middle!'' she may not wish do do that.

Ah, I was assuming a different want on the part of LC. I assumed she wanted to start to resolve the issues with her in-laws rather than avoid them. I think leaving, while a nice short term solution, makes things harder in the long run. What the in-laws will probably see is: We treated her like dirt and she left temporarily. We shall continue to treat her like dirt and maybe she''ll leave forever. I''m not saying that she should necessarily give her husband or the in-laws an ultimatum or at least not currently but then there''s a whole lot of middle ground between her leaving and telling the in-laws to get out.

Also, I''d want to tackle hubby about why his parents are so important to him now when they treated him so poorly in his younger days. What caused the big turn around?

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 7/11/2008 3:49:34 PM
Author: LitigatorChick
Thanks everyone. I really really hate this whole situation.

Cara''s post really made sense to me, in a way I had never thought about things before:

Your script is a great way to work on mending fences with a reasonable, old friend with whom you have had a falling out. It is not a good way to begin with unreasonable, abusive people who will take advantage of any weakness or fault you admit to. And whom fundamentally think they are in the right - they are not going to hear anything in your script telling them to change their behavior.

These people have no friends - they have had huge battles with anyone they previously considered a friend. They have had massive falling-outs with 1/2 of their family. They are despised in the town that they have lived in for 30 years - they plan on moving next year, since they have no friends there.

I guess I live my life assuming everyone is like me and my family. I don''t have friends I don''t talk to, I don''t isolate my family. Generally, things work out for me with most people, and where I have disagreements, we can work them out reasonably.

I have been coming at this all wrong. I need a serious paradigm shift to tackle this right. These people are messed up. I think the ''script'' is out. I just need to have my comments ready, and if things get bad, Miller and I will go shopping (nothing like retail therapy), or out for coffee or to the park.

Caras post was well-spoken and that was my reasoning behind most of my suggestions. You can''t reason with crazy! They won''t or can''t change. So unless you want to create a huge family drama then your plan may be the best one. Don''t let them treat you disrespectfully, no way no how, but if you want to leave to get a break from their brand of cukoo, who cares... no one has "won" or "lost" if your refuse to participate in their drama.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 7/11/2008 12:29:56 PM
Author: Kismet

Date: 7/11/2008 12:19:07 PM
Author: dreamer_dachsie

Date: 7/11/2008 11:21:01 AM

Author: KimberlyH

'Considering our last conversation was quite unpleasant for all involved I think I need to be clear with you about a few things at the outset of this visit. We're happy to have you here, and while you are here there are some things I expect from you...'


But frankly, if I were in your shoes and my husband took the stance yours is, I'd book a hotel and take Miller away for the weekend, not caring in the slightest if DH were going to 'explode.' Or I'd leave Miller (I don't think their comments about him are kind, but I don't think they are abusive either, and my guess is they wouldn't make those comments if you weren't around because it seems that their goal isn't to hurt their grandson, their intent is to upset you, and they succeed) and take off for a weekend of R&R all by myself.

I like this solution a lot, LC. Unless you believe he is in danger, then it will not hurt him to spend some time with his gross, crass grandparents.

I don't know if I'd do that. Wouldn't that be giving them exactly what they've been angling for with their behavior ... time alone with son and grandson? Plus they chased their wretched DIL out of her own home. Bonus!

I think they're getting what they want either way, time with their son and grandson. If she stays the added bonus is they get to irritate her. Since the husband refuses to get involved and she won't rock the marital boat by insisting he stick up for her or not have them in their home, this is just a lose-lose situation all around. At least if she removes herself she doesn't have to deal with the nastiness. I through my thoughts in, after my conversation starter suggestion, because that solution would be mine; I would expect my husband to support me or deal with my wrath if my in-laws ever mistreated me and he didn't stand up for me. LC's husband is lucky that she's willing to look for alternative solutions.

ETA: I believe the weekend has already begun in LC's neck of the woods. I wish you the best, whatever approach you've chosen to take.

 

[icekid]

Eeek... LC, I am a bit late to your thread and I suspect you''re probably with the in-laws right this minute! I feel terrible that your husband will not support you and don''t understand what his problem is. However, I just wanted to know that everyone out in PS-land is sending you strength vibes as you deal with the crazies. You can do it, for you and Miller! I am not super close with my in-laws, but boy does this thread make me appreciate their normalness

 

[diamondfan]

It is a tough call. If she leaves, with Miller or alone, it gives them the sense that they have "won" by driving her from her home and they get to have their son to themselves.

If she stays she is tortured.


His parents are not reasonable. No amount of reason will really penetrate. Firm and clear boundaries are the best hope.

And while retail therapy does not suck, it really does not solve the issues, though you will have some great shoes! It makes you happy for a moment (again, not bad) but they still are at your home or somehow in your life. They are not going away for a while, and having bad blood all around is stressful.
This is why I think she needs to get hubby to understand the complex processes occurring, maybe via her therapist. It might be less threatening if he hears it from someone more neutral.

Good luck LC. You are tough and a fighter, and know you are backed by your own strength and our good positive energy! Good luck, and fill us in when you can.

 

[Gemma12]

LC, you are probably dealing with this at the moment-I''m so sorry you are in this situation. I do agree with DD-you can reason with reasonable people. These people do not sound reasonable.

Good luck and I REALLY hope your DH comes through for you and Miller.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

Just popping by to lend support (we are in Cali for the month.....). Take care! Would be nice to GTG in Aug. sometime....

cheers--Sharon

 

[LitigatorChick]

I SURVIVED!!! I think I will get a shirt made!

All and all, things went well. They arrived late Friday, and were on their best behaviour. I did not have the "chat", and I am glad. They were terrified of me, and we walking on egg shells. Things were also good on Saturday.

Then Sunday came. They started to get "comfortable" and back into their routine. Luckily, DH had FIL (the main problem) busy, so that left MIL. MIL is annoying, but generally harmless. She took a couple of attacks on my weight ("You look a bit flabbier (yes, she said flabby) than the last time - have you gained weight?" I say, no. She says "Oh, well you should gain weight, the last time we saw you you looked anorexic". I say "Thanks for your concern, but I am fine with my weight."). She then tried to intervene in my parenting a few times. Miller had a couple temper tantrums, and when he does, I sit near him, but don''t really respond, so he can try to work it out. Each time, she started to come over to pick him up and I said "No MIL, please leave him alone.". The first time, she was miffed and went on with her business. The last couple of times she had a full tantrum herself, and stormed out of the house to see DH and FIL who were working outside. They made a few comments about Miller sucking his thumb (they disapprove) and I said "It comforts Miller and I don''t have a problem with that".

So all in all, good. I think if they would have stayed longer, it would have been worse. I think that MIL at least also got the message that she would no longer be able to do whatever she wanted and when I say "no", that is the end of it.

 

[diamondfan]

Yeah, that is great news. Overall not too bad. Glad the talk was not needed but know it might be down the line, and you are prepared for that. Better to have been prepared without needing it than the opposite.

My mother in law is the same way. When I had my second child I got extremely thin, I was 116 pounds and I am almost 5 foot 6. She noticed I had lost weight but then proceeded to tell me that I had been "fat" before (okay, I was PREGNANT and lost 75 pounds plus an extra 10 pounds in under 6 months, what a moron) and then proceeded to tell me now I was TOO THIN. Thanks a bunch.

She also tries to come in to my home and butt in on things going on. It drives me nuts. I have told her to back off. If I am telling my son he has had enough sweets for the night, she will say, Oh, here, have one more cookie, what is the big deal? I turn around and tell her, the big deal is I SAID NO. And it is bedtime, he has had enough. I have to treat her like another child as she is provocative and likes to cause dramas. I have told her to back off many times, and told her she is not here to interfere in how we parent, but to be a grandmother and that is it. She also tries to criticize, and again I tell her cool it, she is here once in a while and should be a nice grandmother. All of my kids are great and kind and well behaved and it is nasty how she gets. I do not let her get away with it. She gets pissy but I could care less.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 7/14/2008 9:37:57 AM
Author: diamondfan
Yeah, that is great news. Overall not too bad. Glad the talk was not needed but know it might be down the line, and you are prepared for that. Better to have been prepared without needing it than the opposite.

My mother in law is the same way. When I had my second child I got extremely thin, I was 116 pounds and I am almost 5 foot 6. She noticed I had lost weight but then proceeded to tell me that I had been ''fat'' before (okay, I was PREGNANT and lost 75 pounds plus an extra 10 pounds in under 6 months, what a moron) and then proceeded to tell me now I was TOO THIN. Thanks a bunch.

She also tries to come in to my home and butt in on things going on. It drives me nuts. I have told her to back off. If I am telling my son he has had enough sweets for the night, she will say, Oh, here, have one more cookie, what is the big deal? I turn around and tell her, the big deal is I SAID NO. And it is bedtime, he has had enough. I have to treat her like another child as she is provocative and likes to cause dramas. I have told her to back off many times, and told her she is not here to interfere in how we parent, but to be a grandmother and that is it. She also tries to criticize, and again I tell her cool it, she is here once in a while and should be a nice grandmother. All of my kids are great and kind and well behaved and it is nasty how she gets. I do not let her get away with it. She gets pissy but I could care less.

UGH!!!! I so feel for you DF having to put up with that, with the toast tale my jaw literally dropped - that she had the audacity to remove yours from the toaster and put hers in

Good for you for putting her in her place!!

LC - I am glad you survived it, good for you also for not taking their nonsense!!

 

[Linda W]

LC: YAY!!!!

I am so happy you survived their visit. I had been worried about you, but so glad things turned out well.


Caroline: I know your MIL just does things to bug you. Mine always did. They get their kicks out of it.


Linda

 

[2Artists]

Congratulations on surviving that visit. Give yourself a big pat on the back!

Mrs. 2Artists

 

[saltymuffin]

LC,

I am so glad that the weekend wasn't awful. I totally feel for you. I can also see things from your husband's perspective.

My parents are the awful in-laws. They aren't as bad as yours - everyone doesn't hate them, they have lots of friends, but they have always treated me in very "parental" ways. They don't treat me with respect, and feel that they can say whatever they want to me without consequence. I met my (now) DH when I was 18. He was my first serious boyfriend. At that time, they treated him just like they did me. They made "comments" and said things which hurt him. At first I reacted like your DH, I said he was being too sensitive, and that they didn't mean harm by it. I was raised by these people and had always been treated like that. Despite the fact that I was often hurt by what they said, I couldn't comprehend that they were being hurtful. It is very difficult to learn to see your parents faults when you are so used to them. Over the years, as we got more serious, things got worse.

My DH, who is a very confident and strong person who doesn't take crap from anyone, didn't know how to deal with my parents at all. If anyone else in the world made comments to him like they did he would say something back to them, but he didn't want to be rude. He would beg me to stand up for him, but I could never identify the negative comments in order to say something when they were being offensive. I was completely blind to their games. It caused us so both much grief. I started visiting them by myself.

I was frustrated with him at first and felt like he should just "buck up" and bear the evening/visit/whatever. After many LOOONG discussions, I slowly began to realise that what they said wasn't appropriate, and was hurtful. I began to be able to identify the negative things that they would say, and did finally talk to them. I wasn't as clear as I should have been, and said things like he "isn't used to being treated that way", and "he gets hurt when you say those things". I kind of made him out to be an overly sensitive person, but I just couldn't bring myself to tell them how rude they are generally. It wasn't the best approach to take at the time, but it helped a LOT. They started treating him with kid gloves, which wasn't ideal, but a huge improvement, and meant we could manage to visit them for dinner.

We chose to elope when we finally got married. Neither of us wanted to deal with any family issues. We didn't need that stress. We no longer live in the same city as them, but I get mini panic attacks when we do have a visit planned. I am terrified that they will say something obnoxious, and I'll have to deal with it. We haven't had a major incident in years though, and DH actually is much more calm than I am about them now.

You don't have to take your husband to a therapist to help him understand you. Keep trying to talk. Be persistant, but not insulting. Maybe get some suggestions for these discussions from your therapist. He was raised by obnoxious hurtful people, it is what he knows parents to be. Like you said, he knew what they were when he was 16, and deep down he still does. I am guessing he is just afraid of them, the same way I am of my parents. With work he will be able to see your point of view.

Good luck, and best wishes!

 

[Dreamer_D]

That''s great LC! Sounds like limiting their visits to 2 days may be the way to go in the future

And congrats on being more firm, slowly over time they will get the picture. And although your DH didn''t directly support you, he was showing support by keeping FIL out of the house. That seems like a good strategy.

 

[Miranda]

Yay LC, I''m so glad you made it! Your in-laws sound like a cranked up version of mine. Though they don''t criticize my parenting very often they make digs regarding other things if they can. At BIL''s wedding I was looking just lovely (if I do say so myself

- no ego here) in my bridesmaid dress. The only *nice* thing FIL could say was, "Don''t you think you are too skinny?" They are never happy with the way I look either. I guess it''s just another thing we have in common!

FWIW, I''ve been a parent for 14 years and I''ve seen all different types of parenting styles. The only one of them that doesn''t work is inconsistency. Just because you aren''t doing things their way doesn''t mean it''s wrong. Letting your guy go about his fit and ignoring it IS an effective way of parenting. It may not be the way for everyone, but, what''s important is that it works for you! Good for you for ignoring THEIR negative behavior.

 

[Ellen]

Yay!!

She may now know she can''t pull this stuff like she used to, and you may have begun to find your voice lady.

Now get that shirt made!

 

[tiffanytwisted]

LC-Congrats for making it through the weekend. Forget the shirt, you need some BLING for what you''ve been through!!

 

[LitigatorChick]

Hi everyone. Thanks for all your comments and encouragement. My SIL also followed up with me to see how things went. All in all, good news. Now for that bling.....

Sorry I was so late to respond. I have been toiling away at work in my trial prep room, which I have affectionately called the "thinktank". Catch ya later!

 

[Eva17]

glad to see that all went well. hopefully it will keep getting easier and easier with the IL''s.

i am just like you with, trying to avoid confrontation at all costs. my heart pounds and i have to rehearse what i think i might want to say to someone....
i do not have very good verbal arguing skills. i am one of those people who think later on, shoot, i should have said this or that.

please don''t take offense in my question, but aren''t you a trial attorney? your avatar name, litigatorchick, sound so tough and full of moxy. i would never have thought you were like me. does your heart pound when you have to present a case?